thought of putting down fifty.
11 See note above. 1J See note above.
SCKNKH.] THE IMAGINARY INVALID. l6l
five, and five make ten, and ten make twenty. Sixty-
three livres, four sols, and six deniers. So that, this
month, I have taken, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven
and eight remedies ; and one, two, three, four, five, six,
seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven and twelve enemas ; and
the other month, there were twelve remedies and twenty
enemas. I am not surprised that I am not so well this
month as the other. I had better tell this to Mr. Purgon,
so that he may set this matter to rights. Come, take all
this away. (Seeing that no one comes, that there are none
of his servants in the room). There is no one here. I
may say what I like, I am always left alone: there is no
means of making them stay here. (After having rung a
bell that is on the table}. They do not hear, and my bell
does not make sufficient noise. Tingle, tingle, tingle. 13
Not a bit of use. Tingle, tingle, tingle ! They are
deaf. . . . Toinette ! Tingle, tingle, tingle. Just as
if I did not ring at all. You wretch ! you slut ! Tingle,
tingle, tingle." I am in a rage ! Tingle, tingle, tingle !
To the devil with you, baggage ! Is it possible that they
can leave a poor invalid by himself in this way ? Tingle,
tingle, tingle. This is most wretched. Tingle, tingle,
tingle! Ah! good Heavens! they will leave me to die
here 1 tingle, tingle, tingle.
SCENE II. ARGAN, TOINETTE.
Toi. {Entering). Coming, coming.
ARG. Ah ! slut ! ah ! baggage . . .
Toi. (Pretends to have knocked her head"). The deuce
take your impatience ! You hurry people so, that I have
given myself a great knock on the head against the out-
side corner of the shutter.
ARG. (Angry). Ah ! you wretch ! . . .
Toi. (Interrupting him). Ah !
ARG. It is an . . .
Toi. Ah ! . . .
ARG. It is an hour . . .
18 In the original, Drelin, a word invented to imitate the sound of a bell
when rung.
14 Argan no longer rings his bell, but shouts.
l62 THE IMAGINARY INVALID. [ AC r i
Toi. Ah!
ARG. That you have left me . . .
Toi. Ah!
ARG. Hold your tongue, you slut, that I may scold you.
Toi. Upon my word, I like that. I should advise you
to do so, after what I have just done to myself.
ARG. You have given me a sore throat, you slut.
Toi. And you have given me a broken head : one is as
good as the other. We are quits, if you like.
ARG. What ! you baggage . . .
Toi. If you scold, I shall cry.
ARG. To leave me, you wretch . . .
Toi. ( Once more interrupting Argari). Ah !
ARG. You slut ! . . . you wish me to ...
Toi. Ah !
ARG. What ! I am not to have the pleasure of scolding
her 1
Toi. Scold as much as you like : I am agreeable.
ARG. You prevent me, you slut, by interrupting me at
every point.
Toi. If you have the pleasure of scolding, I may, on
my side, have the pleasure of crying : each his own ; that
is not too much. Ah !
ARG. Come, I shall have to do without it. Take this
away, you wretch, take this away. (After having risen).
Has my enema of to-day acted well ?
Toi. Your enema ?
ARG. Yes. Had I much bile ?
Toi. Upon my word, I do not meddle with these things,
it is for Mr. Fleurant to put his nose into them, since he
profits by them.
ARG. Let them take care to keep some beef-tea ready
for me, for the other which I am to take by-and-bye.
Toi. This Mr. Fleurant, and this Mr. Purgon amuse
themselves very much with your body; they have a good
milch-cow in you ; and I should much like to ask them
what disease you have, to want so many remedies.
ARG. Hold your tongue, you ignorant woman ; it is not
for you to control the prescriptions of the faculty. Send
my daughter Angelique to me : I have something to say
to her.
SCENE iv.] THE IMAGINARY INVALID. 163
Toi. Here she comes of her own accord ; she has
guessed your thought.
SCENE III. ARGAN, ANGELIQUE, TOINETTE.
ARG. Come here, Angelique : you come opportunely;
I wished to speak to you.
AN. Behold me ready to listen to you.
ARG. Wait. {To Toinette). Give me my stick. I shall
be back in a moment.
Toi. Go quickly, Sir, go. Mr. Fleurant gives us some
work.
SCENE IV. ANGELIQUE, TOINETTE.
AN. Toinette !
Toi. What !
AN. Just look at me.
Toi. Well ! I am looking at you.
AN. Toinette !
Toi. Well ! what, Toinette ?
AN. Cannot you guess what I wish to speak about ?
Toi. I have my doubts about it : of our young lover ;
for it is on him that for six days all our conversations
turn ; and you are not at your ease, unless you talk of
him at every moment.
AN. Since you know that, why are you not the first to
converse with me about it ? And why do you not save
me the trouble of dragging you into this conversation ?
Toi. You do not give me time to do so ; and you are
so anxious about it, that it becomes difficult to forestall
you.
AN. I confess to you that I cannot tire of speaking of
him to you, and that my heart warmly takes advantage of
every moment to open itself to you. But tell me, Toi-
nette, do you condemn the sentiments which I have for
him?
Toi. I have no such thoughts.
AN. Am I wrong in abandoning myself to these sweet
impressions?
Toi. I do not say so.
AN. And would you have me be insensible to the ten-
der protestations of this ardent passion which he shows
for me ?
164 THE IMAGINARY INVALID. [ ACT ,.
Toi. Heaven forbid !
AN. Just tell me ; do not you see, with me, something
from Heaven, some working of destiny, in the unexpected
adventure of our acquaintance ?
Toi. Yes.
AN. Do not you find that this action of taking up my
defence, without knowing me, is altogether that of a
gentleman ?
Toi. Yes.
AN. That one could not have behaved more gene-
rously ?
Toi. Agreed.
AN. And that he did all this with the best possible
grace?
Toi. Oh! yes.
AN. Do not you think, To'inette, that he is well made
in person ?
Toi. Assuredly.
AN. That he has the finest appearance in the world ?
Toi. No doubt.
AN. That his conversations, like his actions, have some-
thing noble?
Toi. That is certain.
AN. That there could be nothing more passionate than
what he says to me?
Toi. It is true.
AN. And that there is nothing more annoying than the
restraint under which I am kept, which stops all inter-
change of the sweet eagerness of this mutual aifection with
which Heaven inspires us ?
Toi. You are right.
AN. But, my dear Toinette, think you that he loves me
as well as he says to me ?
Toi. Eh ! eh ! these things are sometimes a little to be
doubted. The vain pretences of love are very like the
truth ; and I have seen some great actors on that subject.
AN. Ah ! Toinette, what are you saying there ? Alas 1
from the way he speaks, could it well be possible that he
does not tell me the truth ?
Toi. At any rate, you will be soon enlightened ; and
the resolve, of which he wrote to you yesterday, that he
SCENE v.] THE IMAGINARY INVALID. 165
had taken to ask for your hand, is a prompt way to show
you whether he loves you or not. 15 That will be the
right proof.
AN. Ah ! Toinette, if this one deceives me, I shall
never in my life believe another man.
Toi. Here is your father coming back.
SCENE V. ARGAN, ANGELIQUE, TOINETTE.
ARC. Daughter, I am . going to tell you some news
which, perhaps, you did not expect. You are being asked
in marriage. What is this ? You laugh ? That is plea-
sant, yes, this word marriage ! There is nothing more
funny to young girls. Ah ! nature, nature ! From what
I can perceive, daughter, I need hardly ask you, whether
you would like to get married.
AN. I must do all, father, that* it pleases you to order
me.
ARG. I am glad to have so .obedient a daughter : so the
matter is settled, and I have promised your hand.
AN. It is for me, father, blindly to follow all your
wishes.
ARG. My wife, your step-mother, wished me to make
you a nun, as well as your little sister Louison ; and she
has always persisted in it.
Toi. (Aside). The innocent has her reasons.
ARG. She would not consent to this marriage ; but I
have carried the day, and I have given my word.
AN. Ah ! father, how obliged I am to you for all your
goodness !
Toi. ( To Argan). Truly, I like you for this ; and this
is the most sensible thing you ever did in all your life.
ARG. I have not yet seen the gentleman ; but I have
been told that I should be satisfied with him, and you
also.
AN. Assuredly, father.
ARG. How ! have you seen him ?
AN. Since your consent authorizes me to open my heart
to you, I will not dissemble, but tell you that accident
15 Toinette prepares us for the mistake of the next scene, by informing
us that Cleante had asked for the hand of Angelique. In the third act we
shall see, however, that he had asked Beralde to do so.
1 66 THE IMAGINARY INVALID. [ACT I.
made us acquainted six days ago, and that the request which
has been made to you is the result of the inclination,
which we, at this first sight, have conceived for each other.
ARC. They did not tell me this : but I am very glad of
it, and it is much better that matters are so. They tell
me that he is a tall young man, well made,
AN. Yes, father.
ARC. Of good stature.
AN. No doubt.
ARC. Agreeable in person.
AN. Assuredly.
ARC. Good-looking.
AN. Very much so.
ARC. Steady and well born.
AN. Quite.
ARC. Well bred.
AN. Could not possibly be better.
ARC. Who speaks Latin and Greek well.
AN. That is what I do not know.
ARC. And that he will take his diploma as a physician
in three days.
AN. He, father ?
ARC. Yes. Has he not told you ?
AN. No indeed. Who told you ?
ARC. Mr. Purgon.
AN. Does Mr. Purgon know him ?
ARC. A pretty question ! He should know him, seeing
that he is his nephew.
AN. Cleante, the nephew of Mr. Purgon ?
ARC. Which Cleante ? We are speaking of the one
who has asked you in marriage.
AN. Well ! yes.
ARG. Well ! he is the nephew of Mr, Purgon, the son
of his brother-in-law Dr. Diafoirus; and this son's name
is Thomas Diafoirus, and not Cleante ; and we have settled
this match this morning, Mr. Purgon, Mr. Fleurant, and
I; and to-morrow this intended son-in-law is to be
brought to me by his father. What is the matter ? You
look altogether amazed !
AN. It is father, because I find that you have been
speaking of one person, and that I understood another.
SCENE v.] THE IMAGINARY INVALID. 167
Toi. What ! Sir, you could have formed that ridiculous
design ? And, with all the wealth you have, you would
marry your daughter to a physician ?
ARC. Yes. What are you interfering with, you slut,
impudent hussy that you are ?
Toi. Good gracious ! gently. You begin immediately
with invectives. Can we not argue together without
getting into a passion ? There, let us speak in cool '
blood. What is your reason, if you please, for such a
match ?
ARG. My reason is that, seeing myself infirm and ill as
I am, I wish to have a son-in-law and relations who are
physicians, so as to have the support of good assistance
against my illness, to have in my own family the sources
of the remedies which are necessary to me, and to be in a
position of having consultations and prescriptions.
Toi. Well ! that is giving your reason, and it is a plea-
sure to answer each other gently. But, Sir, consult your
own conscience. Are you ill ?
ARG. How ! you wretch ! am I ill ! Am I ill, impu-
dent hussey !
Toi. Well ! yes, Sir ; you are ill, let us not quarrel
about that. Yes, you are very ill, I am agreed, and more
ill than you imagine ; that is settled. But your daughter
must marry a husband for herself; and, not being ill, it is
not necessary to give her a doctor.
ARG. It is for me that I give her this doctor ; and a
well disposed daughter ought to be delighted to marry that
which is useful to the health of her father.
Toi. Upon my word, Sir, shall I as a friend give you an
advice?
ARG. What is it, this advice ?
Toi. Not to think of this marriage.
ARG. And the reason ?
Toi. The reason is, that your daughter will not consent
to it.
ARG. She will not consent to it ?
Toi. No.
ARG. My daughter ?
Toi. Your daughter. She will tell you that she has
nothing to do with Mr. Diafoirus, nor with his son
!68 THE IMAGINARY INVALID. [ACT L
Thomas Diafoirus, nor with any of the Diafoiruses in the
world.
ARG. I have to do with them, besides that the match is
more advantageous than the world imagines. Mr. Diafoi-
rus has no other heir than this son ; and, what is more,
Mr. Purgon, who has neither wife nor child, leaves him
all his property in consideration of this marriage, and Mr.
Purgon is a man who has eight thousand livres a-year.
Toi. He must have killed a good many people, to have
made himself so rich !
ARC. Eight thousand livres a-year are something, with-
our reckoning the father's property.
Toi. All that is well and good, Sir ; but I am always
coming back to this : I advise you, between ourselves, to
choose her another husband ; and she is not made to be
Mrs. Diafoirus.
ARG. And I wish it to be so.
Toi. Eh, fie ! do not say so.
ARG. How ! do not say so.
Toi. Eh, no.
ARG. And why should I not say so ?
Toi. One would say you are not thinking of what you
are saying.
ARG. One may say what one likes ; but I tell you that
it is my wish that she shall fulfil my given promise.
Toi. No ; I am sure that she will not do so.
ARG. I will force her to do so.
Toi. She will not do so, I tell you.
ARG. She shall do so, or I shall put her in a convent.
Toi. You?
ARG. I.
Toi. Good !
ARG. How ! good ?
Toi. You will not put her in a convent.
ARG. I will not put her in a convent ?
Toi. No.
ARG. No?
Toi. No.
ARG. Hoity toity ! This is pleasant ! I shall not put
my daughter in a convent, if I wish it ?
Toi. No; I tell you.
SCKNBV]. THE IMAGINARY INVALID. 169
ARC. Who shall prevent me?
Toi. Yourself.
ARG. I!
Toi. Yes. You will not have the heart.
ARG. I shall have it.
Toi. You are jesting.
ARG. I am not jesting at all.
Toi. Your paternal tenderness will prevent you.
ARG. It will not prevent me.
Toi. A little tear or two, arms thrown round the neck,
"My darling little papa," tenderly pronounced, will be
enough to touch you.
ARG. All that will have no effect.
Toi. Yes, yes.
ARG. I tell you that I shall not go back from it.
Toi. Nonsense.
ARG. You must not say, Nonsense.
Toi. Good Heavens ! I know you, you are naturally
kind-hearted.
ARG. {Getting angry). I am not kind-hearted, and I
am very spiteful when I wish to be so. 16
Toi. Gently, Sir. You forget that you are ill.
AKG. I absolutely command her to prepare herself to
take the husband I tell her.
Toi. And I absolutely forbid her to do anything of the
kind.
ARG. Where in the world are we ? and in what sort of
audacity is this, for a slut of a servant to talk in this
manner before her master ?
Toi. When a master forgets what he is doing, a sensible
servant has a right to correct him.
ARG. {Running after Toinette). Ah ! you insolent hussy,
I shall have to knock you down.
Toi. (Avoiding Argan, placing a chair between herself
and him}. It is my duty to oppose myself to things which
might disgrace you.
ARG. (.Running round the chair, with his stick, after
Toinette). Come here, come, that I may teach you how to
speak.
16 This dialogue is copied almost literally from the Sixth Scene of the
First Act of The Rogueries of Scapin.
170 THE IMAGINARY INVALID. [ACT i.
Toi. (Dodging away at the opposite side}. I interest my-
self, as I ought to do, not to let you commit any folly.
ARC. (Same business]. You slut !
Toi. (Same business}. No, I shall never consent to
this marriage.
ARC. (Same business}. You good-for-nothing.
Toi. (Same business). I will not have her marry your
Thomas Diafoirus.
ARC. (Same business). Baggage !
Toi. (Same business). She will obey me rather than
you.
ARC. {Stopping). Angelique, will you not stop this slut
for me ?
AN. Eh ! father, do not make yourself ill.
ARC. {To Angelique). If you do not stop her for me, I
will give you my curse.
Toi. (Going). And I shall disinherit her, if she obeys
you.
ARC. (Throwing himself in his chair). Ah! Ah ! I am
exhausted. This is enough to kill me."
SCENE VI. BELINE, ARGAN.
ARG. Ah ! wife, come here.
BEL. What ails you, my poor husband ?
ARG. Come here to my assistance.
BEL. But what is the matter, dear ?
ARG. My darling !
BEL. My pet !
ARG. I have been put into a passion.
BEL. Alas ! poor dear husband ! But how, my friend ?
ARG. Your slut of a Toinette has been more insolent
than ever.
BEL. Do not excite yourself.
ARG. She has put me into a rage, my dear.
BEL. Gently, my son.
ARG. During an hour, she has opposed the things which
I wish to do.
BEL. There, there, gently.
17 Compare the Second Scene of the Second Act of Tartuffe. (See
Vol. II.)
SCENE vii. J THE IMAGINARY INVALID. 1 71
ARC. And she has had the effrontery to tell me that I
am not ill.
BEL. She is an impertinent hussey.
ARC. You know, my heart, what is the case.
BEL. Yes, my heart, she is wrong.
ARG. My love, this wretch will kill me.
BEL. Eh! eh!
ARG. She is the cause of all my bile.
BEL. Do not get so angry.
ARG. And I have told you, I do not know how often,
to get rid of her.
BEL. Good Heavens ! child, there are neither men nor
women servants who have not their faults. One is often
obliged to put up with their bad qualities, for the sake of
their good ones. This one is handy, careful, diligent, and
above all faithful ; and you know that we must be very
cautious now-a-days with the folks we take. 18 Hullo !
Toinette !
SCENE VII. ARGAN, BELINE, TOINETTE.
Toi. Madam.
BEL. Why do you put my husband into a passion ?
Toi. (Jn a coaxing tone). I, Madam ? Alas ! I do not
know what you mean, and I strive to please master in
everything.
ARG. Oh ! the wretch !
Toi. He told us that he wished to give his daughter in
marriage to the son of Mr. Diafoirus : I answered him that
I thought that the match was advantageous to her, but
that I believed he would do better to put her into a con-
vent.
BEL. There is not much harm in that, and I think that
she is right.
ARG. Ah ! my love, do you believe her ? She is a
good-for-nothing ; she has said a hundred insolent things
to me.
BEL. Well ! I believe you, my friend. There, calm
yourself. Listen, Toinette : if ever you vex my husband,
18 This defence of Toinette by Beline shows that she afterwards intends
to use her ; but we have already seen in the servant's exclamation '' What
an innocent woman ! " that Toinette knows her well.
jy 2 THE IMAGINARY INVALID. f ACT i.
I will put you out of the house. There, now give me his
furred cloak and some pillows, that I may make him com
fortable in his chair. You are I do not know how. Pull
your cap well over your ears : there is nothing that gives
cold like catching a draught in the ears.
ARG. Ah ! my dear, how obliged I am for all the care
you take of me.
BEL. (Arranging the pillows which she puts round Ar-
gan). Just lift yourself, that I may put this under you.
Let us place this one to lean upon, and that one on the
other side. Let us put this one behind your back, and
the other one to support your head.
Toi. (Rudely putting a pillow on his head}. And this
one to keep the night dew away from you.
ARG. (Rising and throwing his pillows at Toinette, who
runs away). Ah, you wretch ! you want to stifle me.
SCENE VIII. ARGAN, BELINE.
BEL. Hullo ! hullo ! What is the matter now ?
ARG. (Throwing himself into his chair). Ah! ah! ah!
1 am exhausted.
BEL. Why get into such a passion ? She thought of
doing right.
ARG. My love, you do not know the spitefulness of the
good-for-nothing. Ah ! she has entirely put me out ; and
I shall want more than eight doses of medicine and twelve
enemas to put all this right.
BEL. There, there, my little dear, try to quiet yourself
a little.
ARG. My darling, you are my only consolation.
BEL. Poor dear child !
ARG. To try to acknowledge the love which you have
for me, my heart, I wish, as I have told you, to make my
will.
BEL. Ah, my friend, do not let us speak of this, I pray ;
I cannot bear the thought ; and the very word, will, makes
me shudder with pain.
ARG. I had told you to speak about it to your notary.
BEL. He is just inside. I brought him with me.
ARG. Make him come in, my love.
SCKNEIX.J THE IMAGINARY INVALID. 1 73
BEL. Alas ! my friend, when one loves a husband well,
one is hardly able to think of all this.
SCENE IX. MR. DE BONNKFOI, BELINE, ARGAN.
ARC. Draw near, Mr. de Bonnefoi ; draw near. Take
a seat, if you please. My wife has told me, Sir, that you
are a very honest man, and altogether her friend ; and I
have told her to speak to you about a will which I wish
to make.
BEL. Alas ! I am not able to talk of these matters.
MR. DE B. She has explained your intentions to me,
Sir, and what you purpose to do for her; and I must tell
you on this score that you cannot give anything to your
wife by your will.
ARG. But why?
MR. DE B. Common law is opposed to it. If you were
in a country where there is statute law, it could be done ;
but in Paris, and in all the countries where common law
exists, at least in most of them, this cannot be ; and the
disposition would be invalid. All the good which man
and woman joined in wedlock can do to each other, is a
mutual gift while living ; and then there must be no chil-
dren, either of the two contracting parties, or of one of
them, at the time of decease of the one who dies first. 19
ARG. This is a Very impertinent custom, that a husband
can leave nothing to a wife by whom he is tenderly beloved,
and who takes so much care of him ! I would feel inclined
to consult my barrister, to see how I might act.
MR. DE B. It is not to barristers that you must go ; for
they are, as a rule, very strict on these matters, and
imagine that it is a great crime to dispose of property
contrary to law : they are people of difficulties, who are
ignorant of the intricacies of one's conscience. There are
other people to consult, who are very much more accom-
modating, who have expedients to glide gently over the
law, and to make that right which is not allowed ; who
know how to smooth the difficulties of an affair, and to
find means of eluding custom by some indirect advantage.
19 This is according to articles 280 and 282 of the ancient Common Law
of Paris.
I 74 THE IMAGINARY INVALID. [ACT i
Without this, where should we be every day? There must
be some elasticity in affairs; otherwise we should do
nothing, and I would not give a halfpenny for our pro-
fession.
ARG. My wife has indeed told me, Sir, that you are a
very able and a very honest man. How am I to do, if
you please, to give her my property, and to deprive my
children of it ?
MR. DE B. How are you to do ? You can quietly choose
an intimate friend of your wife's, to whom you will give,
in due form, by your will, all that you can ; and this friend
shall afterwards give it all back to her. You can also
contract a great many plausible obligations for the benefit
of various creditors who will lend their names to your wife,
and into whose hands they will put a declaration that what
they did was only to benefit her. You can also, while you
are alive, put into her hands ready money, or bills which
you may make payable to the bearer.
BEL. Good Heavens ! you must not torment yourself
about all that. If you should happen to die, I should no
longer remain in this world.
ARG. My darling !
BEL. Yes, my friend, if I am unfortunate enough to
lose you . . .
ARG. My dear wife !
BEL. Life will no longer be anything to me.
ARG. My love !
BEL. And I shall follow you, to show the tenderness I
have for you.
ARG. My darling, you rend my heart ! Console your-
self, I pray you.
MR. DEB. (To Beline). These tears are unseasonable.
Matters have not come to that yet.
BEL. Ah ! Sir, you do not know what a husband is whom
one loves tenderly.
ARG. All the regret which I shall have, if I die, my
dear, is not to have a child by you. Mr. Purgon had told
me that I should have one.
MR. DE B. This may come yet.
ARG. I must make my will, love, in the manner this
gentleman says ; but as a precaution, I will put into your
SCMNE x.] THE IMAGINARY INVALID. 1 75
hands the twenty thousand francs in gold which I have in
the wainscoting of the recess of my bed, and two bills
payable to the bearer, one from Mr. Damon, and the other
from Mr. Gerante.
BEL. No, no, I will have nothing of all this. By the
bye ! . . . how much say you is there in your recess ?