ARC. Two thousand francs, my love.
BEL. Do not speak to me of property, I pray you. By
the bye ! . . .for how much are the two bills.
ARC. They are, my dear, one for four thousand francs,
and the other for six.
BEL. All the riches in the world, my friend, are nothing
compared with you.
MR. DE B. (T<? Argan). Shall we proceed to the making
of the will ?
ARG. Yes, Sir ; but we shall be more at ease in my
little study. Pray, my love, conduct me.
BEL. Come, my poor dear child.
SCENE X. ANGELIQUE, TOINETTE.
Toi. They are with a notary and I heard them speak-
ing about a will. Your step -mother does not go to sleep ;
and it is no doubt some conspiracy against your interests
to which she drives your father.
AN. Let him dispose of his property according as he
likes, provided he does not dispose of my heart. You see,
Toinette, the violent designs which they have upon it. Do
not abandon me, I pray you, in the strait I am in.
Toi. I, abandon you ! I would rather die. Your step-
mother may make me her confidante, and draw me in to
her interests as much as she likes, I was never able to like
her ; and have always been on your side. Let me man-
age ; I shall do everything to serve you ; but, to do so
with more effect, I shall change my tactics, conceal the
interest I take in you, and pretend to enter into the feel-
ings of your father and step-mother.
AN. Try, I beseech you, to send C16ante word of the
marriage that has been resolved upon.
Tor. I have no one that I can employ for this errand
but the old usurer, Punch, my lover ; and it will cost me
176 THE IMAGINARY INVALID.
some sweet words, which I do not begrudge for your sake.*
To-day it is too late, but the first thing to-morrow I shall
send for him, and he will be delighted to ...
SCENE XI. BELINE in the house, ANGELIQUE, TOINETTE.
BEL. Toinette!
Toi. ( To Angelique). I am being called. Good-night.
"Rely upon me.
FIRST INTERL UDE.
The Scene changes and represent a town.
Punch, in the night, conies to serenade his mistress. He
is first of all interrupted by the violins, with which he gets
into a passion, and afterwards by the watch, composed of
dancers and musicians.
PUNCH. (Alone). O, love, love, love, love ! Poor
Punch, what a deuce of a fancy has got into your brain !
What are you amusing yourself with, wretched idiot that
you are ? You leave the care of your business, and let
your affairs go anyhow ; you no longer eat, you do hard-
ly drink, you lose your rest at night ; and all this, for
whom ? For a dragon, a downright dragon ; a she-devil
who repulses you, and mocks at all you say to her. But
it is no good arguing on that point. You will it so,
Cupid : one must be a fool, like many others. It is not
the wisest thing for a man of my age; but what can
I do to it ? One cannot be wise when one will, and old
brains get out of order as well as young ones. I have
come to see if I cannot soften my tigress by a serenade.
At times there is nothing so touching as a lover who
comes to sing his plaints to the bolts and bars of his mis-
tress's door. (After having taken his lute}. Here is some-
thing to accompany my voice with. Oh night ! O dear
night ! carry my love-sick plaints to the bed of my ob-
durate one.
30 Toinette mentions Punch only to introduce the following Interlude.
THE IMAGINARY INVALID. 177
Night and day I love and adore you.
I seek a yes that shall restore me;
But if you answer, No,
Fair ingrate, I shall die.
Hope deferred
Makes the heart sick;
And far from you
It consumes its hours.
This sweet error
That does persuade me
That my grief is about to end,
Alas ! lasts too long.
Thus, through loving you too much, I languish
and I die.
Night and day I love and adore you.
I seek a yes that shall restore me;
But if you answer, No,
Fair ingrate, I shall die.
If you are not asleep,
Think at least
Of the wounds
You give to my heart.
Ah ! pretend at least,
For my consolation,
If you will kill me,
To be in the wrong ;
Your pity will assuage my martyrdom.
Night and day I love and adore you.
I seek a yes that shall restore rue ;
But if you answer, No,
Fair ingrate, I shall die. 21
21 The original is in Italian.
178 THE IMAGINARY INVALID.
SCENE II. PUNCH, AN OLD WOMAN, SHOWING HERSELF
AT THE WINDOW, AND ANSWERING PUNCH, MOCKING HIM.
OLD WOMAN. (Sings.')
Gallants, who, at every moment, with deceitful looks.
And lying wishes,
And false sighs,
And perfidious tores,
Pride yourself on being faithful,
Ah ! do not deceive yourselves.
From experience I know
That neither constancy nor faithfulness
Is to be found in you.
Ah ! how foolish is she who believes you !
These languishing regards
Do not inspire me with any love,
These ardent sighs
Do not inflame me,
I swear to you on my faith.
Unhappy gallant !
My heart, insensible to your complaint,
Will ever laugh at it :
Believe me;
For from experience I know
That neither constancy nor faithfulness
Is to be found in you.
ill \ how foolish is she who believes you ! w
SCENE III. PUNCH, VIOLINS BEHIND THE SCENES.
The violins commence an air,
PUNCH. What impertinent harmony comes to interrupt
my song !
The violins continue to play.
PUNCH. Peace, there ! be still, you violins. Let me
bewail at my ease the cruelties of my inexorable fair one.
The violins continue.
PUNCH. Keep still, I tell you : it is I who wish to sing.
**The original is also in Italian.
THE IMAGINARY INVALID. I 79
The violins continue.
PUNCH. Silence then!
The violins continue.
PUNCH. Good gracious !
The violins continue.
PUNCH. Ah !
The violins continue.
PUNCH. Is this in fun ?
The violins continue.
PUNCH. Ah ! what a noise !
The violins continue.
PUNCH. May the devil take you !
The violins continue.
PUNCH. I am bursting with rage !
The violins continue.
PUNCH. You will not be still then ! Ah ! Heaven be
praised !
The violins continue.
PUNCH. What ! again ?
The violins continue.
PUNCH. A plague upon these violins !
The violins continue.
PUNCH. What silly music this !
The violins continue.
PUNCH. (Singing, in imitation of the violins}. La, la, la,
la, la, la.
The violins continue.
PUNCH. (Same}. La, la, la, la, la, la.
The violins continue.
PUNCH. (Same). La, la, la, la, la, la.
l8o THE IMAGINARY INVALID.
The violins continue.
PUNCH. (Same). La, la, la, la, la, la.
The violins continue.
PUNCH. (Same}. La, la, la, la, la, la.
The violins continue.
PUNCH. Upon my word this amuses me. Go on, gen-
tlemen violin-players ; you are giving me great pleasure.
(No longer hearing anything). But continue, I pray you.
Scene IV. Punch, alone.
This is the way to quiet them. Music is accustomed not
to do what we wish. And now, it is my turn. I must pre-
lude a bit, and play a little piece before singing, so as the
better to catch my tone. (He takes his lute, upon which
he pretends to play, imitating with his lips and tongue
the sound of that instrument). Plan, plan, plan, plin, plin,
plin. This is a nasty time to tune a lute to. Plin, plin,
plin. Plin, tan, plan. Plin, plan. The strings do not
hold in such weather. Plin, plin. I hear some noise.
Let us put our lute against the door.
Scene V. Punch; Archers passing in the street, attracted
by the noise which they hear.
ARCH. (Singing). Who goes there ! who goes there ?
PUNCH. (Softly). What the devil is that? Is it the
fashion to speak in music ?
ARCH. Who goes there ? who goes there ? who goes
there ?
PUNCH. (Frightened*). I, I, I.
ARCH. Who goes there ? who goes there ? I ask you.
PUNCH. I, I, I tell you.
ARCH. And who are you? who are you?
PUNCH. I, I, I, I, I, I.
ARCH. Tell your name, tell your name, without delay-
ing longer.
PUNCH. (Pretending to be courageous'). My name is, Go
and get yourself hanged.
ARCH. Here, comrades, here.
And seize the insolent who answers us thus.
THE IMAGINARY INVALID. l8l
First Entry of the Ballet.
The whole of the watch come, seeking for Punch in the
dark.
Violins and Dancers.
PUNCH. Who goes there ?
Violins and Dancers.
PUNCH. Who are the scoundrels whom I hear?
Violins and Dancers.
PUNCH. Ugh !
Violins and Dancers.
PUNCH. Hullo ! my servants ! my lacqueys !
Violins and Dancers.
PUNCH. S'death!
Violins and Dancers.
PUNCH. S'blood!
Violins and Dancers.
PUNCH. I shall knock some of them down.
Violins and Dancers.
PUNCH. Here ! Champagne, Poitevin, Picard, Basque,
Breton. 23
Violins and Dancers.
PUNCH. Just hand me my musket. . . .
Violins and Dancers.
PUNCH. (Pretending to discharge a Pistol'}. Paff.
( They all fall down, and run away afterwards).
SCENE VI. PUNCH (Alone}.
Ah ! ah ! ah ! ah ! what a fright I have given them !
They must be silly people to be afraid of me, who am
afraid of others. Upon my word, there is nothing like
being artful in this world. If I had not imitated the
23 See Pretentious Young Ladies, Vol. I., page 162, note 40.
l82 THE IMAGINARY INVALID.
grand nobleman, and pretended to be brave, they would
not have failed to lock me up. Ah ! ah ! ah ! ( The Ar-
chers draw near, and having heard what he said, catch him
by the collar}.
SCENE VII. PUNCH; ARCHERS, singing.
ARCH. (Seizing Punch).
We have got him. Here, comrades, here !
Make haste ; bring a light.
( The whole of the watch come with lanterns}.
SCENE VIII. PUNCH ; ARCHERS, dancing and singing.
ARCH. Ah ! traitor ; ah ! rogue, it is you ?
Wretch, cur, hangdog, impudent, audacious,
Insolent, brazen-faced fellow, scoundrel, cut-
purse thief,
You dare give us a fright !
PUNCH. Gentlemen, it is because I was drunk.
ARCH. No, no, no ; no arguing :
We must teach you to behave.
To prison, quick, to prison.
PUNCH. Gentlemen, I am not a thief.
ARCH. To prison.
PUNCH. I am a citizen of the town.
ARCH. To prison.
PUNCH. What have I done ?
ARCH. To prison, quick, to prison.
PUNCH. Let me go, gentlemen.
ARCH. No.
PUNCH. I beseech you !
ARCH. No.
PUNCH. Eh !
ARCH. No.
PUNCH. I beseech you.
ARCH. No, no.
PUNCH. Gentlemen.
ARCH. No, no, no.
PUNCH. If you please !
ARCH. No, no.
PUNCH. For charity !
ARCH. No, no.
THE IMAGINARY INVALID. 183
PUNCH. In Heaven's name !
ARCH. No, no.
PUNCH. Have mercy.
ARCH. No, no, no arguing,
We must teach you to behave.
To prison, quick, to prison.
PUNCH. Eh ! gentlemen, is there nothing capable of
softening your hearts?
ARCH. It is easy to move us ;
And we are more tender-hearted than you
would believe.
Only give us six pistoles to drink your health
with,
And we will let you go.
PUNCH. Alas ! gentlemen, I assure you that I have not
a penny upon me.
ARCH. In default of six pistoles,
Choose then without ado
To receive thirty fillips,
Or twelve blows with the stick.
PUNCH. If it must be, and that I must pass through that,
I choose the fillips.
ARCH. Come then, prepare yourself,
And count the fillips well.
Second Entry of the Ballet.
The dancing archers give him the fillips, keeping time with
the music.
PUNCH. (Counting the fillips which they are giving him).
One and two, three and four, five and six, seven and
eight, nine and ten, eleven and twelve, and thirteen, and
fourteen, and fifteen.
ARCH. Ah ! ah ! you will pass through it !
Let us begin once more.
PUNCH. Ah ! gentlemen, my poor head can stand this
no longer, and you have just made it like a cooked apple.
I prefer the blows with the stick to your beginning again.
ARCH. Be it so. Since the stick has more charms
for you,
You shall be satisfied.
1 84 THE IMAGINARY INVALID. [ACT u.
Third Entry of the Ballet.
The dancing archers give him blows with the stick, keeping
time to the music.
PUNCH. {Counting the blows of the stick). One, two,
three, four, five, six. Ah ! ah ! ah ! I can resist no longer.
Here, gentlemen, here are six pistoles which I give you.
ARCH. Ah ! what a gentleman ! Ah ! what a great and
generous soul ;
Good-bye, Sir; good-bye, Mr. Punch.
PUNCH. Gentlemen, I wish you good-night.
ARCH. Good-bye, Sir; good-bye, Mr. Punch.
PUNCH. Your servant.
ARCH. Good-bye, Sir; good-bye, Mr. Punch.
PUNCH. Your very humble servant.
ARCH. Good-bye, Sir ; good-bye, Mr. Punch.
PUNCH. Until we meet again.
Fourth Entry of the Ballet.
They all dance from joy, at the money they have received.
ACT II.
The scene represents Argan* s room.
SCENE I. CLEANTE, TOINETTE.
Toi. (Not recognizing Cleante). What is your pleasure,
Sir?
CLE. What is your pleasure ?
Toi. Ah ! ah ! it is you ! What surprise ! What come
you to do here ?
CLE. To learn my fate, to speak to the amiable An-
gelique, to consult the sentiments of her heart, and to ask
her decision about this fatal match of which I have been
informed.
Toi. Yes; but you cannot speak so inconsiderately to
Angelique : it requires secrecy, and you have been told
of the careful watch that is kept over her, that she is
never allowed to go out, nor to speak to any one ; and
that it was only the curiosity of an old aunt, who ob-
SCENE HI.] THE IMAGINARY INVALID. 185
tained permission for us to go to this comedy, which gave
rise to your passion ; and we have taken good care not to
speak of this adventure.
CLE. For this reason do I not come as Clante, and in
the guise of her lover ; but as a friend of her music-
teacher, of whom I have obtained leave to say that he
sends me in his stead.
Toi. Here comes her father. Just retire a little, and
let me tell him that you are there.
SCENE II. ARGAN, TOINETTE.
ARC. (Believing himself alone, and not noticing Toinette).
Mr. Purgon has told me to walk about this morning, in
my room, a dozen times up and a dozen times down, but
I have forgotten to ask him whether it should be the
length or the breadth of the room.
Toi. Sir, here is a . . .
ARC. Speak low, you hang-dog. You shake my brain,
and you forget that invalids should not be spoken to so
loudly.
Toi. I wished to say to you, Sir . . .
ARG. Speak low, I tell you.
Toi. Sir . . . (She pretends to speak.
ARG. Eh?
Toi. I was telling you that . . .
(She again pretends to speak.
ARG. What do you say ?
Toi. {Loud}. I say that there is a man who wishes to
speak to you.
ARG. Let him come here. {Toinette beckons Cleante to
draw near).
SCENE III. ARGAN, CLEANTE, TOINETTE.
CLE. Sir . . .
Toi. (To Cleante). Do not speak so loud, for fear of
shaking master's brain.
CLE. Sir, I am charmed to find you up, and to see that
you are convalescent.
Toi. (Pretending to be angry). How ! convalescent !
That is false. Master is always ill.
OLE. I heard it said that Mr. Argan was getting better ;
and I find that he looks well.
l86 THE IMAGINARY INVALID. [ACT n.
Toi. What do you mean by "he looks well?" Master
looks very bad ; and they are impertinent fellows who
have told you that he was better. He has never been
worse.
ARC. She is right.
Toi. He walks, sleeps, eats and drinks like other peo-
ple ; but that does not prevent him from being very ill.
ARC. That is true.
CLE. I am sorely grieved, Sir. I come from your
daughter's singing-master; he has been obliged to go into
the country for a few days, and, as his intimate friend, he
sends me in his stead to continue the lessons, for fear that,
in interrupting them, she should forget what she already
knows.
ARG. Very good. {To Toinette). Call Angelique.
Toi. I think, Sir, that it would be better to take this
gentleman to her room.
ARG. No. Fetch her here.
Toi. He could not give her a proper lesson, if they be
not alone.
ARG. Yes, yes.
Toi. It will upset you, Sir; and there should be
nothing to excite you, and to shake your brain, in the
state you are in.
ARG. Not at all, not at all : I love music, and I shall
be glad to . . . Ah! here she is. (To Toinette). Go
you and see, you, whether my wife is dressed.
SCENE IV. ARGAN, ANGELIQUE, CLEANTE.
ARG. Come here, daughter. Your music-master is gone
to the country ; and here is some one whom he sends in
his stead to teach you.
AN. (Recognizing Cleante). Oh Heavens !
ARG. What is the matter ? Whence this surprise ?
AN. It is .
ARC- What ? What moves you in this manner ?
AN. It is a most surprising adventure that is happening
here, father.
ARG. How?
AN. I dreamt last night that I was in the greatest diffi-
culty, and that some one, just like this gentleman, pre-
SCENE vi.] THE IMAGINARY INVALID. 187
sented himself to me, of whom I implored assistance, and
who came to deliver me from the trouble in which I was ;
and my surprise was great to see unexpectedly, on arriving
here, what was in my mind all night.
CLE. It is being very fortunate to occupy your thoughts,
whether sleeping or waking ; and my happiness would be
great, no doubt, if you were in some danger, from which
you deemed me worthy to extricate you. There is nothing
I would not do to ...
SCENE V. ARGAN, ANGELIQUE, CLEANTE, TOINETTE.
Toi. (To Argari). Upon my word, Sir, I am entirely
on your side this time, and I retract everything which I
said yesterday. Here are Mr. Diafoirus, the father, and
Mr. Diafoirus, his son, who come to pay you a visit.
What a nice son-in-law you will have ! You shall see the
handsomest young fellow possible, and the wittiest. He
has said but two words which have delighted me, and
your daughter will be charmed with him.
ARG. (To Cleante, who pretends to go}. Do not go, Sir.
My daughter is about to be married, and her intended,
whom she has not seen as yet, has just come.
CLE. It is doing me a great honour, Sir, to wish me to
assist at so pleasant an interview.
ARG. He is the son of a very able physician ; and the
marriage is to take place in four days.
CLE. Very good.
ARG. Just mention it to her music-master, so that he
may be at the wedding.
CLE. I will not fail to do so.
ARG. I invite you also.
CLE. You are doing me much honour.
Toi. Come, let us place ourselves in position; here
they are.
SCENE VI. MR. DIAFOIRUS, THOMAS DIAFOIRUS, ARGAN,
ANGELIQUE, CLEANTE, TOINETTE, A LACQUEY.
ARG. (Putting his hand to his cap, without taking it ojf).
Mr. Purgon, Sir, has forbidden me to uncover my head.
You belong to the profession : you know the conse-
quences.
1 88 THE IMAGINARY INVALID. [ACTII.
Mr. D. In all our visits we aim at bringing help to
those who are ill, and not inconvenience.
(Argan and Mr. Diafoirus speak at the same time.}.
ARG. I receive, Sir,
MR. D. We come here, Sir,
ARG. With great joy,
MR. D. My son Thomas, and I,
ARG. The honour whkh you do me,
MR. D. To assure you, Sir,
ARG. And I should have wished . . .
MR. D. How delighted we are . . .
ARG. To be able to go to you . . .
MR. D. At the graciousness you show us ...
ARG. To assure you of it ;
MR. D. In receiving us ...
ARG. But you know, Sir,
MR. D. To the honour, Sir,
ARG. What it is to be a poor invalid,
MR. D. Of your alliance ;
ARG. Who can do nothing else . . .
MR. D. And to assure you . . .
ARG. Than to tell you in this spot . . .
Mr. D. That in all things pertaining to our profession,
ARG. That, he will seek every opportunity . . .
MR. D. As well as in everything else,
ARG. To tell you, Sir,
MR. D. We shall always be prepared, Sir.
ARG. That he is entirely at your service.
MR. D. To prove our zeal to you. ( To his son). Come
Thomas, approach and pay your respects.
THOM. (To Mr. Diafoirus). Is it not with the father
that I ought to begin ? 24
Mr. D. Yes.
THOM. (To Argan). Sir, I come to salute, to acknowledge,
to cherish, and to revere in you a second father, but a second
father to whom, I make bold to say, I find myself more
indebted than to the first. The first engendered me ; but
14 In the edition of Moliere's works of 1682 is the following note : " Mr.
Thomas Diafoirus is a great booby, having newly left the schools, and
doing everything awkwardly and at the wrong time."
SCENE vi.] THE IMAGINARY INVALID. 189
you have chosen me; he received me through necessity,
but you have accepted me out of kindness. 26 What I have
from him is the work of his body ; but what I have from
you is the work of your will ; and inasmuch as the spirit-
ual faculties are above the corporal, so much the more do
I owe you, and so much the more do I hold precious this fu-
ture filiation, of which I come this day to render to you,
before-hand, the very humble and very respectful homage.
Toi. Long life to the colleges which turn out so able a
man !
THOM. (To Mr. Diafoirus}. Has this been right, father?
MR. D. Optime.
ARC. (To Angtlique). Come, salute this gentleman.
THOM. (To Mr. Diafoirus). Shall I kiss her? 26
MR. D. Yes, yes.
THOM. (To Angelique). Madam, it is with justice,
that Heaven has conceded you the title of stepmother,
since we ...
ARC. (To Thomas Diafoirus). This is not my wife, it is
my daughter to whom you are speaking.
THOM. Where is she then ?
ARC. She will be here directly.
THOM. Shall I wait, father, until she comes ?
MR. D. Offer your compliments to the young lady.
THOM. Miss, neither more nor less than the statue of
Memnon gave forth an harmonious sound, when it was
illuminated by the rays of the sun, so do I feel myself
animated by a sweet transport of the appearance of the
sun of your charms ; 27 and as naturalists observe that the
flower named heliotrope turns incessantly towards that
star of the day, so shall my heart henceforth turn towards
the resplendent star of your adorable eyes, as to its only
pole. Permit me then, Miss, to bring to-day to the altar
of your charms the offer of that heart which aspires and
25 This beginning seems imitated from a passage of a speech of Cicero
Ad Qulrites, post reditum.
586 In the Elzevir edition of this play we find here : " He first makes a
bow, and then turns his face towards his father. Isabelle (Angelique)
receives the kiss with great disdain, while turning her head towards Cato
(Toinette)."
47 The Abbe d'Aubignac, in a dissertation against Corneille, uses nearly
the same simile.
190 THE IMAGINARY INVALID. [ACT IL
aims at no other glory than to be, all its life, Miss, your
very humble, very obedient, and very faithful servant and
husband.
Toi. See what it is to study ! one learns to say beauti-
ful things.
ARC. (To Cleante). Eh ! What say you to this?
CLE. That this gentleman does wonders, and that, if
he be as good a physician as he is an orator, it would be
a pleasure to be counted among his patients.
Toi. Assuredly. It will be something admirable, if his
cures are as good as the speeches which he makes.
ARC. Come, quick, my chair, and seats for everybody.
(Servants hand chairs). Place yourself there, daughter.
(To Mr. Diafoirus). You see, Sir, that everyone admires
your 'son ; and I think you very fortunate in finding
yourself possessed of such a boy.
MR. D. Sir, it is not because I am his father; but I can
say that I have reason to be satisfied with him, and that
all who see him speak of him as a youth who has no harm
in him. He never had a very lively imagination, nor that
brilliant wit which is noticed in some ; but it is exactly on
this account that I have argued well of his judgment, a
quality requisite for the exercise of our art. He never
was, when little, what they call sharp and wide-awake ; he
was always seen to be gentle, peaceable and taciturn,
never saying a word and never playing at those little
games which are called infantine. They had all the dif-
ficulty in the world in teaching him to read, and at nine
years of age, he did not yet know his letters. Good, said
I to myself, the backward trees are those that bear the best
fruit. One cuts into marble with far more difficulty than
into sand ; but things are preserved much longer there ;
and that slowness of apprehension, that dulness of imagi-
nation, is the sign of a future good judgment. When I
sent him to college, he found it very hard, but he bore up
against the difficulties ; and his tutors always praised him
to me for his assiduity and his application. In short, by
dint of hammering, he has gloriously obtained his diplo-
mas ; and I may say, without vanity, that in the two years
after he took his degree, there is no candidate who has
made more noise than he in all the disputes of our school.
SCENE vij THE IMAGINARY INVALID. 1 91
He has rendered himself formidable ; and there is no act
propounded upon which he does not argue as long as he
can for the contrary proposition. He is firm in a dispute,
strenuous as a Turk in his principles, and pursues an argu-
ment into the farthest recesses of logic. But, that which
above all pleases me in him, and in which he follows my
example, is that he attaches himself blindly to the opinions