A. D. (Alfred Denis) Godley.

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JAMES K.MOFFITT



PAULINE FORE MOFFITT
LIBRARY

UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA
GENERAL LIBRARY. BERKELEY



i



THE CASUAL WARD



THE
CASUAL WARD

ACADEMIC AND OTHER
ODDMENTS



BY

A. D. GODLEY



LONDON
SMITH, ELDER & CO.

15 WATERLOO PLACE
1*912

[All rigUs reserved}



PRINTED BY

WILLIAM CLOWES AMD BOKB, LIMITED
LOHDON AND BECCLE8



GIFT



C-XO



CONTENTS



PAGE

M. T. ClCERONIB DE LEGB BODLEIANA OfiATIO . . 1

THE EIGHTS IN FICTION 6

I. OLD STYLE 6

II. NEW OB KODAK STYLE (From the French) . 10

THUCYDIDES ON THE INFLUENZA 13

HERODOTUS ON HORSEBACK 17

TAG. HIST., BK. VI 21

THE JOURNALISTIC TOUCH 24

I. THE TRUE TALE OF TROY 24

II. FORGOTTEN HISTORY 32

PHILOGEORGOS, OR CONCERNING BRIBERY ... 38

PHILELEUTHEROS ; OR, CONCERNING THE PEOPLE'S WILL 43

THE TUTOR'S EXPEDIENT 49

THE END AND OBJECT 64

THE TORTURED TUTOR : A DIALOGUE OF THE DEAD . 71

THE DIFFICULTIES OF MR. BULL 77

THE NATION IN ARMS 87

THE INCUBUS 92



353



CONTENTS

PAGE

THE WORKING MAN 94

CONCERNING A MILLENNIUM 97

FORECAST 100

PAGEANTS 103

RULES FOR FICTION 105

ART AND LETTERS 107

THE NOVEL 112

FRAGMENT OF A JARGONIAD 116

THE PUPILS' POINT OF VIEW 119

HINTS FOR THE TRANSACTION OF PUBLIC BUSINESS . 122

EQUALITY OF OPPORTUNITY 125

UNIVERSITY COMMISSIONS 127

DIPLOMAS IN ARCHITECTURE AT CAMBRIDGE . . . 130

ICHABOD: A MONODY 133

THE PANACEA 137

THE HEROIC AGE 139

MAKERS OF HISTORY 142

ALMA MATER FILIO 145

IN MEMORIAM EXAMINATORIS CUIUSDAM . . . 148



NEARLY all the flights in this book have
been first taken in the Comhill Magazine,
the Oxford Magazine, or the Saturday
Review. They are reproduced by the
kind permission of the Editors of these
periodicals. I am allowed also to reprint
a set of verses published by Messrs.
Constable & Co.

A. D. G.

November, 1912



THE CASUAL WARD

M. T. CICERONIS DE LEGE
BODLEIANA ORATIO

(LITERALLY TRANSLATED BY A BALLIOL FIRST-CLASS MAN)

[On a Proposal to place Bicycles within the precincts of the
Bodleian Library]

I. NOT concerning a thing of no moment, O Con-
script Fathers, you are now called upon to decide :
whether to one man by the counsel and advice
of Curators it is to be permitted that he should
take away from you the power of placing in the
Proscholium the instruments of celerity, the assist-
ances of (your) feet, the machines appointed by a
certain natural providence for the performance of
your duties : whether, in which place our ancestors
sold pigs with the greatest consent and indeed
applause of the Roman people, from that (place)
bicycles are to be ejected by one guardian of books.
O singular impudence of the man ! For be un-
willing, Conscript Fathers, be unwilling to believe

i B



THE CASUAL WARD

that in this pretence of consulting for (the interests
of) a public building something more is not also
being aimed at and sought to be obtained : in
such a way (lit. so) he attacks bicycles that in
reality he endeavours to oppress the liberty of each
one of you : that by this example and as it were
by the thin end of a certain wedge he may lay the
foundation of a royal power over all these things,
which I (as) consul preserved. Concerning which
matter I could say much, if time allowed me : now
behold and examine the miserable condition of those
whom a man devoid of constancy and gravity
overturns from (their) fortunes.

II. What! shall the Masters of Arts, what!
shall the Doctors, what! shall the Proctors them-
selves (than which kind of men nothing can exist
more holy, nothing more upright, nothing more
auspiciously established) be compelled to come on
foot that they may consult those most sacred
volumes in which the Roman people have wished
that all learning should be included? The Hypo-
bibliothecarii, what men ! what citizens ! will, I
believe, walk, especially considering that it is to be
contended by them against the lengthiness of a
journey : and then, if, as (usually) happens, some
sudden tempest should arise, they must suffer

2



CICERO NIS DE LEGE BODLEIANA ORATIO

(their) bicycles lacking shelter to be most miserably
corrupted by rain. It has been handed down to
memory, Conscript Fathers, that Caius Duilius was
permitted by the republic, which he had saved
by (his) incredible fortitude, to be borne by an
elephant whenever he had been invited to a dinner.
Therefore, did he use a most luxurious quadruped
that he might by so much the more quickly arrive
at a banquet : shall we, who desire to hasten not
for the sake of lust and the belly, but for the
sake of this learning and books, be forbidden to
employ bicycles ? I pray and entreat you, Con-
script Fathers, do not allow this disgrace to be
branded upon the heart itself and entrails of the
commonwealth.

III. But for(sooth) the College of All Souls
(which I name for the sake of honour) is near, in
which machines may be sheltered. O thing before
unheard (of) ! From which place even under-
graduates have been excluded by a certain divine
will : into that shall bicycles be thrown ? O times,
O manners ! It is not fitting, Conscript Fathers,
that the studies of most learned men, Fellows,
should be interrupted in this way. Moreover, they
also have a library, that to them also it may be
possible to say that wheels should be kept afar

3



THE CASUAL WARD

off : they have keys, bolts, bars, a gate, a porter :
they will exclude, reject, expectorate them. Which
act I blame in such a way that I confess and
acknowledge that it will be done with the greatest
legality.

IV. If the Founder of the Library, if Sir
Thomas Bodley himself, I say, should stand forth
from the Elysian fields, it is not necessary that I
should remind you with what ancient severity he
would inveigh against this new power, against the
Bibliothecarius, nay rather, against the Curators
themselves: for you can calculate (it) in (your)
minds. He would say to them, " Did I give you
authority over books, that you should use it against
bicycles ? did I place you in an upper part of a
most convenient building, that you should also
rule the lower ? did I endow you with huge wealth
and an enormousness of stipend, that you should
therefore the more exercise a kingly dominion over
the common utility, and the necks, heads, lives,
fortunes of the poorer citizens?' 1 To which
interrogation and most stern reproach I do not
think they, although they are of a remarkable
audacity, could answer anything : for neither is
there (anything) that can be replied.

V. Although I wish to say more things, I am

4



CICERONIS DE LEGE BODLEIAN A ORATIO

deterred by the will of the editor of that most
known Magazine (than which paper I do not think
that anything is more conjoined with the safety of
the republic) : nor am I not also prevented by tears
and weeping itself. Conscript Fathers, if there is
anything in you of constancy, if of gravity, if of
fortitude, if of humanity (which that there is I
most certainly know), fortify this common citadel
of the good : open the Pig Market, closed by the
intolerable influence of bad men : be unwilling, be
unwilling that the seat of the Muses, the School
of Divinity, the most delightful meeting-places of
Boards of Faculties, should be stained by royal
power and polluted by cruelty. Which that it will
certainly happen if you do not prevent it by your
votes, I most confidently predict and vaticinate.



THE EIGHTS IN FICTION



OLD STYLE

" THERE'S nothing that emphasizes the amari aliquid
of life like one's tobacconist," mused Fane Trevyllyan
as he flung a box of eighteenpenny Emeticos into
the fire and lit a Latakia cigarette.

It was a lovely August morning in the Eights of
18 ; and the stroke of the Charsley Hall boat
reclined wearily in his luxuriously furnished apart-
ments within that venerable College and watched the
midday sun gilding the pinnacles of the Martyr's
Memorial. It had been a fast and furious night, and
Trevyllyan had lost more I.O.U.s than even he cared
to remember : and now he was very weary of it all.
Had it not been for one thing, he would have thrown
it all up sent dons, deans, duns, and dice to the
devil, and gone down by the afternoon train : as it
was, there was nothing for it but to recline on his

6



THE EIGHTS IN FICTION

tiger-skins and smoke countless cigars. He never
would train.

"Going to row to-day, P'ane?" It was little
Bagley Wood, the cox. Trevyllyan sanctioned his
presence as if he had been a cat or a lapdog : to all
others he was stern and unapproachable a true
representative of his Order.

" Don't know, caro mio" was the reply. " It's such
a bore, you know : and then I half think I promised
to take La Montmorenci of the Frivolity up the
Cherwell to Trumpington in the University Barge."

"What! when the Lady Gwendolen de St.
Emilion has come down on purpose to see us catch
Christ Church ! why, sapristi, where can your eyes
be ? " The stroke hissed something between his
clenched teeth, and Bagley Wood found himself
flying through an unopened window.

" Cherchez lafemme ! it's always the way with the
Trevyllyans," muttered the lad, as he picked himself
up from the grass plot in the quadrangle and strolled
off to quiet his nerves with a glass of aguardiente at
the Mitre.

An August moon shone brightly on the last night
of the great aquatic contest : the starter had fired
his pistol, and all the boats but one were off.



THE CASUAL WARD

" Hadn't you better think about starting, Tre-
vyllyan ? " asked the coach of the Charsley Hall
Eight, a trifle pale and anxious. " See, they are all
under way. Glanville Ferrers, the Christ Church
stroke, swears you shan't bump him as you did last
week. He must be past the Soap works by this time."

" Caramba I then I suppose we ought to get in,"
replied the other ; and as he spoke he divested him-
self of the academical garb that scarcely concealed
his sky-blue tights, and stood, a model of manly
beauty, on the banks of the rushing river. Then,
throwing away a half-finished cigar, Trevyllyan
strode into the boat. Per Bacco ! 'twas a magnificent
sight. As the crack Eight of the river sped swiftly
after her rival, cheers arose from the bank, and odds
on both boats were freely taken and offered by the
cognoscenti.

You and I, amigo mio! have seen many a race
in our day. We have seen the 'Varsity crews flash
neck and neck past Lillie Bridge : we have held our
breath while Orme ran a dead heat with Eclipse for
the Grand National : we have read how the victor of
the pancratium panted to the rneta amid the lo
Triumphes of Attica's vine-clad Acropolis. But we
did not see the great Christ Church and Charsley's
race that great contest which is still the talk of

8



THE EIGHTS IN FICTION

many a learned lecture-room. They say the pace
was tremendous. Four men fainted in the Christ
Church boat, and Trevyllyan's crew repeatedly
entreated him to stop. But he held on, inexorable
as the Erinnyes.

Fair as Pallas Anadyomene fair as the Venus
whom Milo fashioned pour se desennuyer in his exile
at Marseilles the Lady Gwendolen de St. Emilion
sat throned on the University Barge, and watched
the heroes as their bare arms flashed in the moon-
light. And now they were through the Gut, and the
nose of the Charsley^s boat pressed hard on its
rival : yet Fane Trevyllyan did not make his final
effort. Would he spare Glanville Ferrers ? Quien
sabef They had been friends once. But the die
was cast. As the boats sped past her the Lady
Gwendolen stooped from her pride of place and
threw a rose just one into the painted poop of
the Christ Church wherry. That was all : but it was
enough. Trevyllyan saw the action where he sat :
one final, magnificent, unswerving stroke those who
saw it thought it would never end ! and with a
muttered " Habet ! " he sent the brazen beak of his
Eight crashing in among the shattered oars of his
helpless competitor.

Gakotto fu il libro, e chi lo scrisse.

9



THE CASUAL WARD

II

NEW OR KODAK STYLE
(From the French)

IF they are frivolous, these Universities !

At present great sensation in Oxford : this town,
so gloomy, so sad ordinarily, is to-day en fete.

Is it that one elects a new Vice- Chancellor?

No.

It is the contest aquatic of the Colleges which
goes to take place.

One discusses in the salons the most chic how
many kilogrammes they weigh, these heroes of the
oar.

Everywhere Professors in straw hats and Heads
of Colleges en matelot.

What a spectacle !



On the barges. . . .

Grouped on these venerable hulks, crowds of
ladies excite our admiration by their beauty and
our respect by their intelligence.

Whence do they come, these damsels, so young,
so charming ?

It is that they have arrived from the metropolis
10



THE EIGHTS IN FICTION

at the request of their brothers, their cousins
what do I know of it ? perhaps their pretendants
of whom they wish to enhance with their applause
the athletic triumph.

After all, they are adorable, these English misses !

On the bank. . . .

One hears the portentous echo of the Five-
Minutes- Gun.

Moment tremendous !

They have started : one sees already the strokes-
man of the first-boat.

One would say a whole University that runs on
the towing-path, and that utters loud cries.

Here and there coachmen are seen carrying
pistols and pronouncing terrible execrations.

Why these pistols ? . . .

A little brutal, these English : but of a force, a
virility !

I myself who speak to you am infected by this
enthusiasm.

I run : I utter cries : I raffole of the leading-
boat : I shout En avant ! Vive la Madeleine ! Vive
le Cercle Nautique ! Hourra ! . . .

ii



THE CASUAL WARD

But one does not do these things at forty years.

I am out of breath, what ? I wish to stop.

Arrest yourselves, my friends too impetuous !

I appeal to you in the name of France,
who respects you : do not annihilate me, do not
pulverize me. . . .

Vain appeal ! One would say the car of
Juggernaut.

I am knocked down : I am crible with kicks :
I am massacred.

Ah! .



J2



THUCYDIDES ON THE
INFLUENZA

THUCYDIDES, an Athenian, wrote the history of the
epidemic among the Oxonians, how they had the
epidemic, having begun to write as soon as it
broke out on No. 2 Staircase, and considering it
to be the most noticeable of all that had appeared
previously. (For the place was not liable to
diseases at other times, but especially free from
them, except that which affected the teeth : on
account of which they used to go up to the metro-
polis, in word to consult the Delphic oracle but
in deed to go to Olympia, so that not a few were
banished from the city both for other reasons and
not least this.) As to the causes of it, then, let
any one speak who is aware of them : but I will
show what things happened on account of it,
having both myself put on an aeger and seen
others similarly afflicted, so that I can describe it
with equal certainty more than the narrative of
another not having done so, but relying on the

13



THE CASUAL WARD

incredibility of historians more than the sureness
of experience.

For in the first beginning of the sickness men
remembered what Homer says about the lower and
higher animals in the Trojan business

First did he assail the mules and fleet dogs, but after-
ward, aiming at the men his piercing dart, he smote,

seeing that now too not less but equally as much
first, the College Tutors were attacked, and next
the scouts, and last of all the men themselves.
But most of all the scouts were affected, and this
caused the greatest calamity : so that a man must
often wish that his scout might recover, wishing
indeed contrary to nature, but being persuaded by
the greatness of the surrounding misfortune, lest
he should suffer even worse things at the hands of
a scout's boy, or considering it terrible if he shall
lose even the daily enjoyment of his breakfast not
being brought to him. And all laws concerning
meals were brought into a state of confusion, so
that many anticipated taking the commons of
another. And they welcomed the hospitality of
those outside the walls, regarding their hunger in
the present as much more important than another
man's inability to pay his debts in the future.



THUCYDIDES ON THE INFLUENZA

But when the men themselves began to suffer,
then indeed the disease was the commencement of
lawlessness to a greater extent for the city. For
cuttings of chapels and avoidings of lectures, which
are an agony for the present more than a posses-
sion for ever, and in short all such things as the
indulgence of was formerly more disguised, these a
man easily dared to do, it being uncertain on the
one hand whether his tutor has the influenza, and
on the other if he himself might not put on an
aeger before being hauled he should pay the
penalty. And though some, indeed, did things
exactly contrary to this, and being before un-
accustomed now went in the morning with a run
to chapel in order that fewer being present the
paradoxicalness of their appearance when compared
with the multitude of those who were absent might
gain them a prestige of virtue not real but simu-
lated yet with most there was now neither fear of
the Dean by land nor by sea of their coaches :
disobeying whom they ate and drank all kinds of
things contrary to law, no one being willing to
exert himself for that which seemed to be honour-
able, and calculating that the present abstention
from pastry was not equivalent to the possibility of
being bumped in the future about as much and



THE CASUAL WARD

not less than if he had smoked three pipes and a
cheroot. And not only was injustice prevalent
among those who were as yet in good health, but
many of those in the ships, being or seeming to
themselves to be sick, had their places taken by
others accustomed rather to fight upon the land,
whose manly inexperience, though in word more
creditable than the cowardice combined with experi-
ence of the others, was in reality less powerful than
the language which those on the bank thought
worthy to use concerning them.

Nevertheless, about this time the Oxonians sent
an expedition against Cambridge, having manned a
slow train to Bletchley, Nicolaidas being commander
second himself; and they advanced as far as Third
Trinity, and having ravaged part of the land and
set up a trophy, they returned home.



16



HERODOTUS ON HORSEBACK

AT this time the Chancellor being among the Oxonii
there was instituted a contest of horses such as this
nation is accustomed to celebrate every spring.
And this contest is of such a kind, not being well
arranged according at least to rny opinion : Having
dug trenches and built other ramparts parallel indeed
to each other but transversely to the running of the
horses themselves, they do not any longer stand
round them invoking the gods as those do who play
golf, but on the contrary, when they have placed
men upon horses they cause them to cross these by
leaping under the lash, as far as the goal : and
whoever anticipates the others arriving at the goal,
sitting at least on the same horse on which sitting
he set out, and not it running, having left him
behind, nor he himself on foot, he is considered to
have conquered. The reason why I said that this
contest is not well arranged, is of the following
kind : because it being possible to contend in a level

17 c



THE CASUAL WARD

place without danger or difficulty, the Oxonii never-
theless themselves make obstacles so as to prevent
the horses from (not) arriving at the end of the
course, neither being compelled nor there being any
necessity (oi/Stjunje avajKai^ touoTje). Then, how-
ever, they did these things, and also, as they are
accustomed to do on such occasions, they sent
messengers to inquire of other prophets and also of
the Delphic oracle who should be the conqueror.
The Pythian priestess, being mindful how she had
formerly made a good shot in respect of the Median
business, replied in the hexameter rhythm that the
issues of victory lay around a wooden wall. Now
having this as a proof I will neither refuse to believe
in oracles myself nor allow others to disbelieve them.
For when the race had begun and the horses had
been sent away by the sound of a trumpet, other
men were taking part in the contest, and also
Pheron the son of Trapezites a Corinthian : this is
not the Pheron who, his father having founded a
city, was himself expelled from it by the few, who
were called Hetairi, because he had allied himself
with the democracy forsooth (&}& v). And there are
other things written about this Pheron in the history
composed by Proctor, who was tyrant of Oxonia
second himself for one year, and in fact caused

18



HERODOTUS ON HORSEBACK

Pheron to fall out by reason of sedition. What I
have said just now is a digression and refers to other
matters, and I will now come back to my former
story. So then the men, having in the first part of
the contest done things worthy of themselves, and
having for the most part, although not all, yet the
majority, avoided the (not) falling into ditches and
the like incurably at least, came presently to the
wooden fence, which I conjecture to be the wall
meant by the Delphic oracle. It being then neces-
sary either remaining on the hither side to be driven
away from all hope of the prize or leaping to run
risks concerning their lives, and the rest having
leapt in such a way that they crossed the fence
sitting rather upon the ground than upon their
horses, and some neither with them nor upon them,
as the Lacedaemonians say about their shields : this
Pheron, of whom I have before made mention,
showed himself to be prudent in other things and
also in this. He, having a horse much the most
active of all the rest, was not left behind by it, but
sat there holding on firmly until he had arrived at
the farther side; and from thence, the race being
easy for him, he came to the goal very much the
first, having anticipated. In this way he obtained
the prize. I have learnt the names of all the other

19



THE CASUAL WARD

competitors : but I do not think it proper to relate
them, not now at least.

When the spectators had seen these things (and
there was also a contest for the natives of the
country, in which not a few were roughly handled)
they returned in chariots to the city, driving not
straight like the Greeks, but obliquely, as is
customary. This story some relate, relating things
credible to me at least ; there being two Oxonii in
one chariot, and no one else, one of them entreated
the other after they had gone some way without
misfortune that he also might be allowed to hold
the reins of the horses : to whom the other replied
" But for do you not already hold them ? " These
men then having left such a memorial of themselves
did nevertheless arrive safely at the city.



20



TAC. HIST., BK. VI.

DE AVLA S. EDMVNDI.

1. Nunc initia causasque motus Mauretanici ex-
pediam. Mauretaniam post decessum Tedimurii
cuicumque servitio expositam avaritia et mala
cupidine fines augendi contemptis populi studiis
occupaverant Brigantes, barbara gens, mox rectorem
imposuere e sacerdotibus Peripateticorum instituta
professum. non tulere Mauri intempestivam sapi-
entiam. namque ut divitias ita librorum scientiam
contemptui habent : et est plerisque indocta canities.
2. Pollebat inter Mauros Rursus quidam Aratus
multa scholarum patientia. is collectis in aulam
Edmundi popularibus ad seniores hunc in modum
locutus fertur : " si apud rerum humanarum inscios
verba facerem plura cohortandi causa dicenda erant.
nunc autem sunt in oculis quibus alios iniuriis
validiorum potentia laeserit. quid memorem Scotos
Stubbinsiorum dominatu potitos ? quid Tabernarios
Balliolensibus traditos, mox ab iisdem suum lucrum

21



THE CASUAL WARD

ex aliena benevolentia comparantibus invitos venditos
atque mancipatos? Scimmerios cum maxime
Rhodesii subiectos habent, puerili rei nummariae
imperitia generis human! regimen expostulantes.
quanta profanarum litterarum scientia pacatissima
loca polluerint, non est opus dictu apud gnaros.
quid meliora ab iis expectatis qui Hiberniam nuper
[praemii nomen] occupaverunt ? eandem nobis
Brigantes necessitatem imponent, gradum capessendi.
et baccalaureos videbimus." turn ad iuvenes con-
versus " eone ventum esset " interrogat " ut anti-
quissima aulae iura corrumpi sinerent ? Reginensium
specioso vocabulo nuncupates pessimam servitutem
passuros : praelectiones et deorum templa prope
noctu insolitis adeunda: et praecipua foeditate
Brigantium arcana. mox et specimen parti um


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