ilifornia
ional
Llity
PAUL
GARDHS
A DRUMMER'S
PARLOR STORIES.
SPECIAL GUESTS OF THE PROPRIETOR.'
No CHARGES"
Another Kind of Man. Page
A
DRUMMER'S
PARLOR
STORIES
PAUL GARDINER
The Author of " Vacation Incidents," "Paul's Adventuri
To Date," and others.
ILLUSTRATED BY
E. J. READ
A. P. GARDINER
New York
J898
Copyright, J898, by A. P. GARDINER.
CONTENTS.
A RIDE WITH AN ARKANSAS PICNIC - 43
MORNING OBSERVATIONS IN TAYLORVILLE - - 19
HELPING THE BRIDE ALONG ... 27
OVER DIAMOND JOE'S RAILROAD :
I. THE MAN, BOB, I, AND THE "RAZOR
BACK" 37
II. BOB, I, AND ANOTHER MAN . - 45
III. ANOTHER KIND OF A MAN - 51
ON THE OTHER FELLOW'S TICKET - . . 61
DEATH OF THE LOVED UNKNOWN - . . 71
INTO THE MOONSHINE COUNTRY :
I. I KICKED YOUR DOG . . 83
II. A PIECE OF FRIENDLY ADVICE - - 93
III. You MATCH ME ..... 103
2034586
ILLUSTRATIONS.
Frontispiece.
" 'Special guests of the proprietor. 1 No charges." -
The Arkansas Traveller .... 13
'^So to the great amusement of the car I adopted
temporarily, the orphan " - - - - 14
" We received in return a smile " 15
" 1 had left Bob asleep " ..... 2p
" On the ' Gossip's Bench ' " - . . . 21
" // didn't work like his cob pipe" 23
" Bob wanted to pass the fan to the bride " - 29
' ; Now look here,' says Bob to me" - - . 31
Everything in readiness, we struck out for the citv " 32
" ' Gentlemen, you might find it more comfortable sit-
ting on my veranda ' " 38
' The 'razor back' winked the other eye when he
saw us retttrning " - - - -40
" ' You just pick me out a box of the white ones ' " 46
'' With an inquiring smile, I said to Bob : ' It's ten
per day, sure ' " 53
" ' Special guests of the proprietor.' No charges "
(full page) ...... 55
Riding over and back we busied ourselves figuring
out what our expenses would be " 56
'A visit down the street in Houston to some of the
cut rate ticket brokers " ..... 62
" I was to pass as a man with red hair, brown mus-
tache and chin whiskers, a scar on the right
cheek bone - - - - 64
Page
' / was gently assisted over the platforms and into
the car" (full page) .... 65
'Bob's voice I could hear, as he told the conductor
of the sick friend who occupied ' Lower Number
Six '" 67
'They find themselves seated opposite each other at
dinner table " - - 73
' There he stood in his long linen duster, hat in
hand, smiling " - - - - - . 75
' He chewed the end of an unlit cigar, and was look-
ing with a far-away, sad expression out of the
window " 77
' To satisfy my wavering hopes, I read again and
again the letter " - - - - 85
' ; Want a hotel, young feller ? ' says he. ' Only one
here '" 87
' ' Now slope with me, young one ! ' " - - 88
' With a jerk of his thumb over his shoulder, the
clerk indicated where the boss could be found " 95
'//<? was marking the retail prices upon the bottoms
of the boxes" ....... gg
'Looking at imaginary pictures on the walls, I lei-
surely sauntered out of sight of the hotel office" 105
1 "-It's heads for a dollar" " .... 106
A Ride with an Arkansas
Picnic.
A Ride with an Arkansas
Picnic.
in Arkansas in the mid-
|B.I8| die of July is not indulged in by
non-residents of that part of the country
for health or pleasure. It was the stern
necessity to go where we could turn a dol-
lar our way, which was chargeable to Bob
Williamson and me being on the train
which was to pick up a church picnic some-
where between Pine Bluff and Little Rock.
The day was one of the hottest, and the
dust fought with the soft coal cinders for
the easiest lodging places upon our linen
dusters. Bob and I occupied two seats,
arranged facing each other. We buttoned
our dusters up, and only for the rakish
way in which our handkerchiefs were tied
around our necks and the tilt of our soft
felt hats, we might have been mistaken
fora pair of native parish preachers. Per-
haps the resemblance is what furnished
the material for this sketch.
13
A DRUMMER'S PARLOR STORIES.
We soon arrived at a small station where
an unusual crowd of children, accompanied
by their mothers, darky "mammies," and
overgrown and underfed boys, were assem-
bled. As soon as the train came to a
standstill this motley array fiercely at-
tacked the entrances. Bob held posses-
sion of our two seats until an appeal came
before him in this way, which completely
broke down his resolution. A woman
came in carrying two urchins, apparently
of the same age, herself weighing over two
hundred pounds, with a good-natured face
of ruby red, her hat pushed on one side,
and she all but overcome with the heat.
"You are
welcome to
one of our
seats," says
Bob. In 'a
minute we
had our three
new neighbors
facing us on our
extra seat. The
extreme heat had
made the children
hard to manage,
and the poor woman
was exhausted.
"Let me have one
of your children? "en-
quired Bob. Yes, she
says, certainly, take this one. Bob played
the role of indulgent father with such suc-
cess that soon his charge was fast asleep
in his arms. The mother, tired with the
14
" SO to the great amusement of
Ui<> whole car I adopted, tempora-
rily, the orphan."
A RIDE WITH AN ARKANSAS PICNIC.
day's efforts and having perfect confidence
in her newly made acquaintances, also
goes peacefully to sleep. The remaining
baby, left to fall from the arms of
the helpless sleeper, is in imminent
peril. I reasoned with myself thus,
if Bob had nerve enough to cap-
ture one of the twins while the
mother was awake, I certainly am
entitled to the other when 1 find
it asleep and in danger. So to the
great amusement of the
whole car I adopted, tem-
porarily, the orphan.
The mother slept peace-
fully on, dreaming of the
"pink lemonade " and the
"hot tomales" passed
around at the picnic, 'til
a rude call from the porter
announcing the end of
the ride for the Sunday
School, the sleeping
woman awoke startled.
With a Chesterfieldian
bo w we gave back the chil-
dren and in return received
a smile, which meant
more from this grateful mother than the
remark we often hear in higher society,
"Oh, thank you, very kind of you I am
sure."
We received in return a smile.''
A DRUMMER'S PARLOR STORIES.
I saw him in a lonely room,
A-pacing to and fro;
His step was hurried and he paused
From time to time in woe.
His face was buried in his hands,
His tears fell thick and fast;
"Oh, from these tortured eyes," cried he,
" Has peace forever passed ? "
I shared his grief: the poignant words
Came sobbing from his heart,
And so I tried with sympathy
Some solace to impart.
But all he said was, "Ne'er like me
May you make this avowal
I've washed my face with yellow soap
And cannot find a towel ! "
16
Morning Observations in
Taylorville.
Morning Observations
in Taylorville.
WAS prompted by one of those stray
ideas that carelessly wander through
your mind at times, feeling perfectly safe
that they will never be detained, because
of the indifference or inability of the pos-
sessor of that mind to catch on to a "good
thing." This particular idea was to get
up early, and board a morning train which
passed through Decatur at sunrise on its
way to St. Louis, and get off at Taylorville,
a distance of about thirty miles down the
road. I could then, after waiting two
hours for the business part of the town
to awaken, have an hour in which to pass
the time with the unsuspecting (?) mer-
chants, and incidentally have them admit,
after a careful manipulation of the conver-
sation, that they needed something, in my
line.
19
A DRUMMER'S PARLOR STORIES.
I had left Bob asleep, but he was car-
rying on an animated controversy with a
couple of persistent
flies, who always in-
sist that "drum-
mer s" are entitled
to all there is to be
had for their money
at cheap hotels. I
left word at the of-
fice that, as a penal-
ty for his not being
wakeful and atten-
tive to business, he
could pay my bills
1 / had left Bo6 asleep.'
and carry my baggage to the depot, and I
\vould be on the train we had planned to
take the night before, which would leave
Decatur at ten o'clock in the morning.
Walking from the station, which was an
eighth of a mile outside of the town of
Taylorville, that lovely Summer's morn-
ing, with nobody to talk to nor any noise
to disturb me, it seemed a good chance to
observe things. The first observation was
that the sun was up just far enough to
show the sparkling of the dew on the broad
leaves of corn which could be seen for miles
around the town. Corn raising was the in-
dustry in that section. The people you met
talked about corn, they lived on corn,
and corn growing was their only business.
And thus it was when a new-comer pranced
into town at that time of morning in the
corn growing season carrying an indis-
putable air and manner about him that
plainly said, "Well! the whole country is
20
MORNING OBSERVATIONS IN TAYLORVILLE.
not engaged in corn raising," that three of
the "oldest citizens" \vere surprised 011
the "gossip's bench."
Taylorville was then composed of one
principal square, having one-story buildings
fronting on all sides. The centre of the
square is used for an open market-place
and hitching posts for farm teams.
Sitting in front of one of these buildings,
which had a lean-to roof as an awning
over the sidewalk, were three typical old
characters of that region ; one chewed the
end of a straw, one whittled a stick, and
21
A DRUMMER'S PARLOR STORIES.
all three wore the same style of clothing,
cut from the bolt of blue jeans at the cor-
ner store. All three were tall, thin, and
sat with the grapevine twist to their
legs.
" Good morning, gentlemen," I said, as I
walked briskly up to them. "Could you
tell me where I can find the hotel ? "
Each looked at the other, one made as
though to speak, then the third man said :
"You might try over thar."
I hurried over the street and found what
served as a hotel. Leaving my order for a
breakfast of ham and eggs, (the standing
order when in doubt as to the cuisine de-
partment), I sallied forth again, this
time in search of a barber. Meeting my
acquaintances once more, I inquired for
the town barber. The spokesman this
time untwined his legs, and giving me a
look ofcuiious interest, said:
" I think I kin show you."
"Come along," I said, "looks to be a
fine day."
" Good growin' corn weather," says he.
Arriving at the door of the barber shop,
I saw a case of cigars inside.
" Will you smoke, sir ? " I inquired.
With a childish bashfulness he accepted
the cigar, with a light, which I handed
him.
Turning to prepare for the shave, I re-
moved my coat, collar and tie. , Then
glancing back at my new found friend, I saw
he was having trouble. The end of the cigar
was all ablaze, but despite the tremendous
efforts he made, no smoke was visible from
22
MORNING OBSERVATIONS IN TAYLOKVILLE.
the right end of the cigar. He had just dis-
covered the " durn thing" didn't work like
his cob pipe. I turned away
to hide my amusement he
had failed to bite off the end
of the cigar. I saw in the
mirror that he, thinking no
one was looking, quickly
stumped out the fire, placed
the cigar carefully in the
pocket of his blue jean
trousers and hurried out to
investigate further while
hoeing among the rows of
corn, promising himself
never to let another new-
comer disturb his peaceful
thoughts.
It didn't work like Ms cnb pipe."
Helping the Bride Along.
Helping the Bride Along.
|NE of the incidents which become
familiar to the constant traveller is
the encountering of wedding parties, with
the attendant "send off" by friends at
the railroad stations, and the showers
of rice thrown in at the windows upon the
other passengers. Such experiences hap-
pening to the same persons at frequent in-
tervals during a trip, are calculated to de-
stroy the pretty romances and visions of
cupids which flutter about the bridal pair.
By the quick-eyed salesman, all the little
ruses ad opted by newly- wed couples to con-
ceal from the travelling public their identity
as bride and groom, are seen through at a
glance.
27
A DRUMMER'S PARLOR STORIES.
On the occasion of which I write, it was
not the customary tactics of wedding
couples which interested Bob and myself,
but rather the peculiarities of the groom,
his dress, and more particularly, the atti-
tude he assumed toward his bride and fel-
low passengers. His self-consciousness,
and above all, his boorishness toward his
pretty companion, were so apparent that
the sympathies of the nearby passengers
were soon enlisted with his "better half."
The groom (who, by the way, sat oppo-
site us) evidently had a few points in
mind which he felt necessary to impress
upon the company. The first was that he
had just been married, the second, that he
had on his best clothes, and thirdly, he
wanted no interference with his bride by
outsiders.
It was this last named resolution that
Bob "ran up against" principally, in his
efforts to "help the bride along." He
seemed to be one of those fellows who are
unwilling to admit with an easy grace that
the surroundings and situations are new
to them and that they would be glad to
receive any little suggestions or informa-
tion to be had from their fellow travellers,
but who rather assume an air of "know-
ing it all " which is a certain indication of
ignorance.
As to the second point, it may first be re-
marked that June weddings in Arkansas
might be more popular if the contracting
parties would adopt a travelling trousseau
suited to the demands of the climate. The
middle of June down there is a warm time,
28
HELPING THE BRIDE ALONG.
and a favorite costume of the male sex,
which allows for a certain amount of style
and a whole lot of comfort, is made up of
a black lustre coat, a pair of light-weight
trousers, negligee shirt, low shoes and
straw hat.
But as for our groom's attire, suffice it to
say that he was done up in a very warm
black, a rural high hat with a sack coat,
" Bob wanted to pass thtfan to the brttle."
black kid gloves, a turn-do wn collar and a
watch chain which would have done coup-
ling service for the train.
After riding along for a half hour, the
heat and dust in the car seemed almost un-
29
A DRUMMER'S PARLOR STORIES.
bearable, and our neighbor looked more
aggressive each time we glanced his way.
Bob wielded a large sized palm-leaf fan,
and having besides the proper kind of cloth-
ing for comfort, we seemed to get along
very well. Bob wanted to pass the fan to
the bride, but each time he looked her wa\ r
he met the discouraging look of her ' ' liege
lord." Not to be baffled, at length he
reached across the aisle and politely of-
fered her the fan. As the groom was hesi-
tating \vhether it might give him more
trouble to accept it, the lady smiled and
thanked him for his thoughtfulness.
We were proceeding along our way with-
out further incident when suddenly the train
came to an unexpected stop. Hurrying
out, I found that the tracks ahead were
blockaded by a freight wreck, and that we
were three miles distant from Little Rock.
A few enterprising cabbies had driven out
from the city, and they were quickly appro-
priated by those in the forward cars.
We soon realized that we must get some
conveyance to carry our sample trunks into
town or the day would be entirely lost, our
competitors thus gaining a day's lead on
us. We were not in despair long, however,
for not many moments later Bob espied
approaching an old horse and weather-
beaten wagon with a colored driver.
Swooping down on the inoffensive old nig-
ger, we took possession of his outfit. No
argument was made over the price, nor did
we tell what we wanted the rig for. I
drove the wagon up to the end of the train
30
HELPING THE BRIDE ALONG.
where the baggage-car stood, and together
we hustled our trunks in.
We had just turned about to make the
start for Little Rock and the hotel, when
' Now look here, 1 says Bob to me.
there beside the wreck we beheld a picture
of helplessness, the bride and her "Jonah,"
the groom.
"Now look here," says Bob to me, "I
don't think it right to leave this poor girl
31
A DRUMMER'S PARLOR STORIES
Everything in readiness, we struck i
Singing through the forests,
Rattling over ridges;
Shooting under arches,
Rumbling over bridges;
Whizzing through the mountains,
Buzzing o'er the vale,
Bless me ! this is pleasant,
Riding on the rail !
Men of different " stations "
In the eye of fame,
Here are very quickly
Coming to the game;
High and lowly people,
Birds of every feather,
On a common level,
Travelling together.
John G. Saxe.
HELPING THE BRIDE ALONG.
out here with that 'chump' of a husband. If
we do she will have to lead him all the way
to town afoot. ' ' So throwing aside furtheV
ceremony, Bob goes up to the couple and
sharply demands from the fellow the check
for their trunk.
Two valises comprised their baggage, and
ourcolored man placed them in the wagon.
Bob, meanwhile, gallantly helped the bride
over the wheel and seated her upon the
sample trunk, the groom still sullenly act-
ing as though things should be different,
but not even removing his black kid gloves
to help load the baggage. Everything in
readiness, we struck out for the city.
After we had gone about two miles, we
came across the street-car track. Seeing
in the distance a mule-car approaching, we
then suggested to the bride that perhaps it
would be pleasanter for her to take the
groom aboard the car, and we \vould guar-
antee the safe delivery of the valises at the
hotel if she could look after her husband.
Over Diamond Toe's Railroad. <
I. The Man, Bob, I, and the '"Razor Back/
II. Bob, I, and Another Man,
III. Another Kind of a Man,
The Man, Bob, I, and the
" Razor Back.'
spent several weeks in Arkansas
travelling aimlessly about, only now
and then making a sale of goods. It
was very necessary to procure some orders
to accompany the frequent requests we
made on our firms for remittances to pay
our daily expenses. The orders themselves
(needless to say) were never very large;
but the promises for better results, should
we be allowed to come again, were of a
very roseate hue.
Before leaving the scenes of our late ex-
ploits, we \vere desirous of visiting the one
place of interest which takes rank far and
37
./ DRUMMER'S PARLOR STORIES.
above anything else in the state, or in
fact the whole United States. It is known
as the Monte Carlo of America, the Mecca
of the gambler, the retreat of the invalid,
Memrn, you might find it more comfortaM,' sitting on my veranda,:'
and the delight of the pleasure tourist the
Hot Springs of Arkansas.
Malvern Junction is the name of the sta-
tion where Diamond Joe's narrow gauge
railroad emerges from the grim mountain
38
THE MAN, BOB, /, AND THE "RAZOR BACK."
defiles and connects with the Iron Moun-
tain R. R. system. Here is where our ex-
periences began as tourists for pleasure.
We had about an hour to wait before the
train of narrowly-built cars would leave
to take us through the rocky passes to Hot
Springs. We loitered about the station,
looking at the axle grease frying in the
Summer's sun on the car tracks, while the
"razor back" hogs critically nosed our
baggage on the platform.
Very soon we were approached by a man
who looked not at all like the Mary's Lit-
tle Lamb variety, but the soft gentleness
of his voice as he volunteered a remark,
was the cause for both a surprise and an
uneasiness to us later on. He said :
" Gentlemen, you might find it morecom-
ibrtable sitting on my veranda till the
train arrives."
We looked across the tracks and saw a
very unpretentious, low front, rough board
structure, with a sign over the door which
read, "Railroad Hotel." The stranger
seeming so very kind, and we not being com-
fortable where we were, we took in the
bait and strolled across.
We had no more than settled ourselves
on his rough benches when a voice from
the rear fell upon our unsuspecting ears so
rough and full of ominous meaning that
we looked up with a start to see who the
ruffian might be. Imagine our surprise
when standing over us, we recognized our
solicitous friend of the lamb-like gentleness.
He had announced that supper was ready
and we had just ten minutes in which to
39
A DRUMMER'S PARLOR STORIES.
eat it. There was no doubting his mean-
ing, it was simply this, he wanted a dol-
lar apiece out of us ! I looked at Bob, he
looked at the man, then both of us started
for the dining-room. Nothing was said
and a very little was eaten. We paid over
the money without even the privilege of
registering a single objection, then calmly
walked back again across the tracks to the
40
THE MAN, BOB, /, AND THE -RAZOR BACK."
railroad platform. I knocked my fist
against the open palm of my other hand,
Bob showed his white teeth, and the "razor
back" winked the other eye as he saw us
returning.
II.
Bob, I, and Another Man.
Bob, I, and Another Man.
JFTER gathering together our shat-
tered courage and seeing our bag-
gage put aboard the train, the start was
made for Hot Springs. Some young sports
of the neighborhood stood on the plat-
form of the car and discharged their re-
volvers at whatever chanced to take their
fancy, so that from the beginning of this
short ride events of interest followed one
another in quick succession.
Bob and I were conversing in whispers
over our treatment at the hands of the
hotel-keeper at Malvern Junction and
wondering what would be the nature of
the next experience, when we became con-
scious that somebodvwas standing at our
45
A DRUMMER'S PARLOR STORIES.
side awaiting recognition. Looking up,
we saw a large man with a flowing
black beard, wide-rimmed felt hat, broad
shouldered, and wearing a pair of blue gog-
gles.
But for a sign hanging across his breast
which read, "Help the Blind," we might
have taken him for a prosperous native
Arkansan. A large tray hung suspended by
a strap around his neck, containing several
small crates of long blackberries. He edged
his way into our cross-seat, sat himself
" Ton justplck me out a box of the white ones."
clown comfortably, and immediately began
to talk to us in an interesting manner,
knowing apparently our vocation in life,
and the section of the country from which
we came.
Bob, whose suspicions had been aroused
by the recent happenings, did not intend
this time to be so easily worked for "a
46
BOB, 7, AND ANOTHER MAN.
tenderfoot," so he ventured the query,
' ' Selling berries ? ' '
"Yes; won't you buy a box ? They are
fresh," he suavel~y replied.
There were boxes of blacks and other
boxes mixed with white blackberries.
"Are the blacks and whites the same
price ? " says Bob.
"Yes, the same price, stranger," said he.
"Well," answered Bob, "you just pick
me out a box of the white ones while I hunt
for my change."
The trick was superbly worked. The
fake " blind man " quickly selected the box
of white blackberries from his tray, but
just as quickly discovered the trap he had
fallen into. Just then the train pulled into
Hot Springs, thus saving the " sharp " any
further embarrassment. On inquiry, we
learned at the station that this poor blind
man was the most successful "bunco
steerer" and gambler in the town.
47
III.
Another Kind of a Man.
Another Kind of a Man.
I HE adventures we had met with since
we started on our little pleasure trip
were not calculated to inspire a great
amount of confidence in the acquaintances
we were making in that particular section,
and thus it happened when Bob was ap-
proached in a familiar manner by a gentle-
man who said that he hailed from the same
town as he did, back in Ohio, that he was
inclined to resent his advances.
This gentleman informed us that he was
the proprietor of one of the best hotels in
the place and that for old acquaintance
sake he would be pleased to entertain us
during our stay at Hot Springs. We hesi-
tated before accepting the invitation, both
51
A DRUMMER'S PARLOR STORIES.
of us thinking very hard of what dangers,
if any, we would be subjected to should
we accept. Knowing that we would be
as safe in one hotel as another, however, -we
decided to take our chances with Bob's
friend.
Our hand bags were taken in charge by