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C^n JSO^' CP'
HARVARD COLLEGE
T.TRRARY
WILLIAM INGLIS MORSE
CURATOR OF
CANADIAN HISTORY AND LITERATURE
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•7
NOTES aN TI& ROAD;
BY A
CANADIAN " GUERILLA,"
ALIAS
COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER.
TORONTO:
PRINTED AT THE DAILY T;ELEGRAPH PRINTINQ HOUSE,
COBWBR OP BAY AND KINO STKBBTS.
18^..
c
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^
1
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NOTES ON THE ROAD;
BY A
CANADIAN " GUERILLA,"
ALIAS
COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER.
\
TORONTO:
PBINTBD AT THE DAILY TELEaRAPH PRINTING HOUSE,
OOKms OF BAY AND KINO STBKKTS,
18681
*• ♦
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Can 15-^?. ^r
HARVARD^
[UNIVERSITY
LIBRARY
KViU^u^^Ali
'a\^kJ(^
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RESPECTFULLY DEBICATED
TO
JAMES G. SHEPHEKD, Esq.
OF MONTREAL,
AS A TOKEN OF
THE AUTHOR'S ESTEEM.
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NOTES ON THE ROAD.
It is possible some fastidious Knight of the Bag may feel his
dignity aggrieved by the cognomen " Guerilla," applied, as it is, in
conjunction with his honorable calling, and such a one may un-
cork his vial of wrath and pronounce the author a " demn d vulgah
fellah." Well, so mote it be, there are some thin-skinned, would-
be aristocratic members of the brotherhood of commercial travel-
lers, alias guerillas, whose only recommendation in the useful line
is the faithftdness with which they perform the part of a walking
advertisement for their tailor, and their acquaintance with the
last new thing in the perfumery biz. To fear the displeasure of
such, would betray an imnecessary timidity, I therefore, with aU
due respect, adhere to the alias, and thus ei^press the reason of my
so doing.
During the late American war, the guerilla troops attached to
both armies particularly distinguished themselves by their imcom-
mon activity and their numerous successful raids; the chief
characteristic of the class was a cool assumption, and inimitable
sang froid — always jolly if provender was plenty, and never
hesitating on the score of a formal introduction about making a
visit. Their intentions were doubtless less honorable and friendly
than their Canadian namesake. The latter, however, emulate
them in the following accomplishments : A restless activity, keen
scent of fat game at unheard-of distances, a presence of mind that
nothing can overcome, and a total disregard of danger, as exem-
plified by the hundreds of miles they travel on the G. T. R., and
dare I add, the professional manner in which they deal with liquid
samples ; in the latter they are immense. I wiQ not include all
the firatemifcy in this remark, for there are several present to my
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6 NOTES ON THE ROAD.
imn(^ "who swear by ginger wine and lemonade. Poor fellows, ruin-
ing their health, or why do they require so o^en to obtain a
medical certificate; once carry that quarter sheet of foolscap in
their pocket, bearing the symbolistic letters, " I D," — ^they all seem
addicted to craix^s a,i[xd' colliwogs in the abdominal regioii, demand-
ing instantaneous internal treatment through the medium of a
powerftd medicine.
I notice the medicine mu^t be of a palatable taste, for, like the
urchin who was blessed with a huge supply of sugar previous to
taking his powders, fond remembrance of the first instalment
generally induces a call for a little more physic.
Another advantage this same written moral reputation confers
upon the owner: when asked to "smile," they, with intense satisfac-
tion, produce the magic lines and assert that they doiit drink,
in fact are temperance men ; but feeling a little squeamish, some-
thing they eat for dinner not agreeing with them, don't mind if
they take a smaU decoction of brandy, just to settle things. Good
presence of mind, my boys, when that same thing will produce
brandy every time you are sensible enough to be temperate on all
' such common drinks as beer, whiskey, etc. These practitioners are
old travellers, thoroughly posted on all the ins and outs ; difficult
as a weasel to catch asleep ; immense in the line of practical jokes ;
ready at any time to get off the last new thing on an acquaint-
ance, but slippery as an eel if the individual should undertake
to retaliate. These guerillas are muchly suspicious, and are as
wary to bite as any trout that ever wore out the patience of the
angler.
Well,let us clothe such motives with the mantle of charity. If the
disease is of a contagious character, there is a danger of our be-
coming infected, so let us act unto others as we would they should
do unto us, if us were placed in the same cold-water predicament.
And no wv while inculcating charity, the author asks frbm his bro-
ther "knights of the road," their kind consideration and lenient
judgement upon the contents of this book. Those who commence
these pages with the expectation of reading a work of fiction, and
following out some cunningly devised plot of romance, will be
rn/uchly mistaken.
These lines are merely the record of the soberrealitiesof a com-
mercial travellers' every day life, interspersed with anecdotes and
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NOTES ON THE ROAD. 7
fiw^ a» they really occurred. How many score of times I have heard
a novice express his admiration of a guerilla's life, and^paint with
his own imaginative fancy the jolly times he would have, the=
sights he would see, and the tales he would hear. Verily, young
man, thy dreams of the same are pleasant. Continue to indulge
' in the soothing delusion ; but for the sake of romance, never
imdertake the sober reality. Your humble servant once felt as
you feel; imagined the same jolly prospects ahead, but eight
years of actual experience rubbed oflf the gilt, and provoked
many a smile at the remembrance of his first impressions.
My first journey was made in the summer of 1859, over the
country west of Toronto. All went well while I continued on the
line of railroad, but an evil fate seemed to follow me through the
ba;ck country — tough customers, and still tougher grub (excuse such
plain English) were the daily bill of fare, while the less said in
favor of the sleeping accommodation, the more will I show my
regard for tinith. Feather beds made from straw,'Jcrowned with
an almost invisible pillow (called such by courtesy), and lined
with tw;o sheets ; the dampness of which gave me a nightly attack
of the ague, and vividly brought to mind the memory of the man
who couldn t get warm ; " only this and nothing more," such was
my nightly experience, once ** inside my chamber door." (The
- ghost of Poe will please excuse the above quotation.)
I can stand fried pork for breakfast, boiled pork to dinner, and
pork cold for supper, and comfort myself with the knowledge,
that as the landlord has ordered a barrel of pork, there is a reason-
able prospect of a change in the bill of fare when next I travel his
way, but I never can and never will forgive him for dousvng me
at night in a miniature mill pond. At his own quotation, wood
is bought for one hundred and fifty cents per cord ; and were he
to bless my bed clothes to the extent of a dime s worth of fuel, he
may stuff me with pork to his heart's content, and I promise never
to grunt dissatisfaction ; his wife may pour down my throat a
decoction of yarbs and call it genuine gunpowder; she may load
my plate with dough-nuts that have been fiied in cosmopolitan
fat, and the prongs of my fork may bend under the weight of a
slice of her home-made pies, warranted to do no hann, as she
declares, " they are not like those nasty rich things made by your
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8 NOTES ON THE ROAD.
city cooks." Honest woman, verily you speak the tnith ; pie-
ology is a science that no two study alike. Thy tea, however, I
will drink — excuse me if I decline a second draught, I never take
but one cup. Thy dough-nuts I will try to masticate, and the
pie, if there is no opportunity to pocket, I will make it disap-
pear otherwise ; but, good old soul, reward me for my martyrdom ;
air well my bed-linen, and don't compel me to nightly sing, " Oh,
mother, where s your darling now ?" I believe some enthusiastic
Irishman advised pouring spirits down to keep the spirits up.
Pity the poor unfortunate who, in Canadian back country villages,
undertakes to prove the value of the^ recipe. The pouring down
part of the business may be got through with if your wind-pipe is
warranted fire-pr6of, and a very limited quantity of " tangle-leg,"
will produce a very respectable drunk ; but the melancholy reflec-
tions of the succeeding n^oming are such as fearfully overshadow
any benefit derived fi'om the artificial hilarity of the previous
night. Some, grown desperate in the suffering, go in for a hair of
the dog that bit 90 sharp. Prophets recommend this as a good
cure ; well, if the patient is copper-lined and bullet-proof, he may
stand the treatment for a limited time ; but I defy the Nqw Jersey
cast iron steam man to stand the treatment for any lengthened
period without a fatal termination. This domestic tinkering with
liquor, already more than sufficiently tinkered when purchased
from the wholesale dealer, is a disgracefal practice, and cannot be
too severely exposed. Country tavern keepers may thoroughly
understand the manufacture of a " bran mash," yet not be compe-
tent to properly distil a healthy sample of " old rye.'' Cayenne
pepper is a useful article of household consumption; but for
humanity's sake, don't fill an old woollen stocking with the fiery
powder, and drop the same in the bung hole of a forty-gallon barrel
of com whiskey, and swear the same to be genuine " old rye."
Spirits of turpentine is a usefiil mixing medium in the paint trade;
but I object on business principles to paint the interior of my
domicile with any such inflammable material. Shun as you would
the plague, whiskey at two pence a glass. Fight shy of " Old
Tom," Holland's and Hennessys brandy at five cents. The drink, if
imbibe you must, call for beer, and trust to luck that no fatal con-
sequences will ensue.
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NOTES ON THE ROAD. 9
After two weeks of back country experience, I drive into Owen
Sound with a joyful anticipation of the good things in store, a clean
well aired bed, and a healthy bill of fare. Although the Sound is
like the places! have just visited, away back in the wilderness,
its central position, large trade, and enterprising inhabitants, have
combined to build up a town inferior in appearance to no other
place of its size in the Province. The accommodation I met with
at the hotel was a decided improvement over the previous fourteen
days. The comfortable bed I occupied upon the night of ,my
arrival, led me to a lengthened indulgence in the same, not making
my appearance before 9 a.m., for which disgraceful conduct I
received a broadside at the hands of the landlord, and a grumbling
complaint about providing any breakfast for pjeople who were too
lazy to come down at the proper hour. A desire to give credit
when it is due, leads me to speak favorably of the accommodation
met with; but I decidedly object to say one word in fiivor of the
proprietor, or recommend one friend to the hospitalities of his
" hostelrie." He is one of those self-conceited, dogmatic specimens
of humanity ; in their own estimation, always right, prepared to
back an opinion with a volley of oaths that would do credit to a
South Sea pirate, and for services rendered, is ever ready to inflict
a charge, before which, that of the famous Six Himdred pales into
insignificance. With him there is but one way to avoid getting
fleeced — ^nevter ask for your bill when leaving, if you know his
proper rate yourself Count up the number of days you have
tarried, and tender him the amount from daily experience of this
sort of thing. He thoroughly understands the delicate allusion,
and like most men of his stamp, when he finds he cannot cheat
you, he invariably apes the jolly-good-fellow line of business,
anxious to accommodate regardless of expense.
In connection with the above remarks, I introduce no initials,
or name the man I have alluded to. He will be known by the
above description to every guerilla on the road ; to the opinion ot
the majority of whom I am willing to defer the truthful correctness
of my remarks, while his many victims in our ranks, I doubt not,
will declare that I have not been sufllciently condemnatory to do
justice to his character.
It was on the occasion b{ my first visit to Owen Sound that I
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10 NOTi^ ON THE BOA0;
had tbe pleasure of making the acquaintance of the illustrious Jack,
then practising, like myself, his first trip. Those anxious to be-
come acquainted with his surname, I beg to refer to the records
of Scriptural History, where a namesake of his gained a world
wide reputation. If that is not sufficient, allow me to admit his
identity with the individual who makes a rule of objecting to
sleeping apartments in a hotel, having a bell handle in too close
proximity to the head of the bed. His reason for the above
objection, deponent knoweth not, but slyly guesseth. Take this
same Jack, all in all, he is not far removed on his male parient's
side, from that historic individual whom noisy revellers are fond of
declaring a "jolly-good-fellow." His capacity is great. What
for ? I will not say ; but if Scotch whiskey was scarce, and my
locker was the only one in his neighborhood that held the moun-
tain dew, I should be very carefiil to whom I entrusted the cus-
tody of the key. I wonder does he remember that occasion in St
M's, when Scotland's national beverage flew quick and fast, and
Scottish patriotism bubbling to an overflow in the breast of the
canny Mac, elevated him at 3 a.m. to the position of honor in the
centre of the table, where he unsuccessfully assayed alone and
unaided to sing a duett, the words of which were a queer admix-
ture of' Auld lang syne," and "God save the Queen." If he has a
retentive memory, he doubtless remembera all this ; yea, and some-
thing more. That something more I care not to talk about ; but
one thing I will honestly affirm, that the redoubtable Jack, on
that night, in the year of our Lord 1859, did a little in the pedes-
trian line that would have ranked a creditable performance for
Deerfoot himself It is for his enemies to find out if any shadow
pursued his flying footsteps.
flas any reader of these pages been detained over night at this
same St. M*s, if so, he is deserving of compassion. Could the
stones of the corner building speak out a tithe of the curses both
loud and deep that have been uttered against their unworthy
proprietor, the record would, I fear, shock the virtuous sense oi
the community, and forever cloud the moral reputation of the
whole race of commercial travellers. I never swore at this degen-
erate landlord, for the very good reason, that I was too mad to
express my feelings. He is one of those oily individuals, slippery
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NOTES OX THE ROAD. 11
and unreliable, aud the table he spreads fdr»the entertainment of
his guests would shame* a first-clrtss poor houses but more particu-
larly, do I find &ult' with this Shyloek taTem keeper, for the skill
he displays in so arranging matters, that a guest desirous of leav-
ing on the evening train, is often, through his representations
about the hour of departure of the omnibus to the station, forded
to remain over till the following, morning. Having, like a score of
others, experienced this contemptible treatment, I can safely'
pronounce it the very refinement of cruelty, especially if the
season be, as when it happened with me, midsummer. A room
eight by ten, furnished with a bed, invented apparently for the
purpose of making its occupant for the night do penance for the
sins of the day ; wash stand furnished on economical principles ;
a lump of that useful compoutid called yellow soap, and one towel,
I beg pardon, it would require an imagination strong as Munchau-
sen's to trace any resemblance between this eight by six inch rag,
and what generally passes current for a towel Have I got
through the inventory ? No. By all means don't let us pass by
unnoticed that unique object tacked to the wall which does service
for a looking-glass, or at least is supposed to do so. Before smashed
out of all fair proportions, it doubtless was a reasonable bargain at
twenty-five cents, retail ; but since, the remaining portions that
survived the crash have been divided out and made do service for
so many rooms. Their usefulness is only a reminiscence of the past.
I well remember the morning I undertook to dress in the limited
space at my disposal. It required considerable ingenuity to engi-
neer through the difficulties that surrounded me. Recollect bell-
ropes are a fashionable innovation and luxury, not countenanced
by this puritanical Boniface ; but I believe a naturally strong pair
of lungs, perseveringly worked, started echoes through the house
that speedily brought to my chamber-door, landlord, chamber-
maids, bar-tender, and, by the horsey perfume that scattered its
fragrance around, I should add the hostler. By their aflnghted
looks they evidently imagined that I had shouted "fire." I at once
undeceived them, paying particular attention to the chamber-
maid, who was neither old nor ugly. I earnestly explained the
dilemma I was in by di'awing her attention to the size of the towel,
then comparing the same with the breadth of my figure-head, and
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12 NOTES ON THE ROAD.
in pathetic tones pleaded for a dozen or so more of the same, or if
this was impossible, I begged her to emulate the conduct of one of
Bobbie Bum's hereoines, who, for his especial benefit, tore up a
pair of sheets. LucLily for the prosperity of the household linen,
she remembered the three and a half yards of bagging that did
service behind the kitchen door. She quickly returned with this
specimen of Canadian manufacture. By the many impressions of
black fingers upon its surface, I judged some neighboring
foundiymen had the rmi of the premises ; but considering by these
very marks that so many had evidently been satisfied with its
accommodation, I gmmbled, not audibly, but went in on a vigor-
.ous search for a clean spot It would, however, have required the
vigilance of a baker's dozen of Hawkehaws for the successtul
accomplishment of the same. I must not omit to mention the first
impression made upon my mind when I undertook to peer into the
reflective surface of that twentieth section of a mirror. That first
impression was also the last and only one, and so powerfully did
it arrest my attention and stamp its remembrance on my mind,
that I actually, ten minutes after, caught myself going down the
street singing, in a mournful voice, " I'm not myself at aU." I
advise all who visit the town wherein occurred what I have just
mentioned, to be particular in getting there if at all possible on a
morning train, and if you value your peace of mind for a week
after, don't fail to get out of it before the shades of night settle over
its 'flour mills.
Passing on to London after such miserable fare, one doubly
appreciates the comfort of the Tecumseh, where a bounteous
spread satisfies the inner requirements, and large, airy chambers
woo the tired to refreshing slumber. ,That member of the frater-
nity who pronounced London an expensive place, to live in, it
having cost him an odd twenty-five dollars for a night's amusement,
had better, in his succeeding visits, remember the old adage that
fools rush in where wise men fear to tread. Those who do less
circumferentiating (this word to be contiijued) pronounce this
nainesake of old London a very agreeable resting place.
It is much to be regretted that the commercial travellers of Can-
ada do not foUow the example set by their brethren in England, and
inaugurate a society having for its object mutual benefit and pro-
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KOTES ON THE KOAD, . 13
tection. There is also much other wqrk that would very properly
come under their notice, and should receive their attention. A
great number of hotel keepers throughout the Dominion make a
practice of swindling every bag-man that stops at their house.
Knowing them to be a liberal set of fellows, they invariably stretch
their biU to the utmost limits they think the victim's patience
will stand, and often overshoot the mark and practice downright
extortion. A very effective remedy to bring into use against such
sharks, would be for the manager of the society to request informa-
tion of all such occurrences, and upon three substantiated reports
being sent in against any hotel for such practices, let him by circu-
lar or otherwise notify the whole body of travellers, specify the
complaints made, and call upon them as members of the society to
shew their disapproval by all agreeing to transfer their custom to
Bome other inn in the same town. Such a course as this would
very speedily remedy the evil now so often complained of. The
same attention might also with beneficial results be bestowed upon
many livery stable keepers who pay but little attention to that
golden adage, " Do unto others as you would they should do unto
you." All such avaricious, grasping individuals should be taught
a lesson, and the only effectual way to accomplish the same is to
pinch their pockets. Through its magic influence you can reach
their soul, but in no other way can it be done. The amount of