Here teach fond swains their hapless loves
In gentle strains to weep.
From water sprung, like flow'rs from dew,
What troops of bards appear !
The god of verse and physic too,
Inspires them twice a year.
Take then, my friend, the sprightly rhyme,
While you inglorious waste your prime,
At home in cruel durance pent,
On dull domestic cares intent,
Forbid, by parent's harsh decree.
To share the joys of Bath with me.
THE NEW BATH GUIDE.
Ill-judging parent ! blind to merit,
Thus to confine a nymph of spirit !
With all thy talents doom'd to fade
And wither in th' unconscious shade !
I vow, my dear, it moves my spleen.
Such frequent instances I've seen
Of fathers, cruel and unkind,
To all paternal duty blind.
What wretches do we meet with often,
Whose hearts no tenderness can soften !
Sure all good authors should expose
Such parents, both in verse and prose,
And nymphs inspire with resolution
Ne'er to submit to persecution.
This wholesome satire much enhances
The merit of our best romances.
And modem plays that I could mention.
With judgment fraught, and rare invention.
Are written with the same intention.
But, thank my stars â¢ that worthy pair.
Who undertook a guardian's care.
THE NEW BATH GUIDE.
My spirit never have confin'd I
(An instance of their genVous mind)
For Lady B â n â r â d, my aunt,
Herself propos'd this charming jaunt,
All from redundancy of care
For Sim, her favVite son and heir;
To him the joyous hours I owe
That Bath's enchanting scenes bestow ;
Thanks to her book of choice receipts,
That pamper'd him with sav'ry meats ',
Nor less that day deserves a blessing
She cramm*d his sister to excess in :
For now she sends both son and daughter
For crudities to drink the water.
And here they are, all bile and spleen,
The strangest fish that e'er were seen ;
With Tabby Runt, their maid, poor creature.
The queerest animal in nature.
Tm certain none of Hogarth's sketches
E'er form'd a set of stranger wretches.
I own, my dear, it hurts my pride^
To see them blundering by my side ;
THE NEW BATH GUIDE.
My spirits flag, my life and fire
Is mortify 'd au desespoir.
When Sim, unfashionable ninny,
In public calls me cousin Jenny ;
And yet, to give the wight his due, [
He has some share of humour too,
A comic veiri of pedant learning
His conversation you'll discern in,
The oddest compound you can see
Of shrewdness and simplicity,
With natural strokes of aukward wit.
That oft, like Parthian arrows, hit ;
For when he seems to dread the foe,
He always strikes the hardest blow ;
And when you'd think he means to flatter.
His panegyrics turn to satire ;
But then no creature you can find
Knows half so little of mankind.
Seems always blundering in the dark,
And always making some remark ;
Remarks that so provoke one's laughter,
One can't imagine what he's after :
6 THE NEW BATH GUIDE.
And sure you'll thank mc for exciting
In Sim a wonderous itch for writing :
With all his serious grimace
To give descriptions of the place.
No doubt his mother will produce
His poetry for general use,
And if his bluntness does not fright you,
His observations must delight you ;
For truly the good creature's mind
Is honest, generous, and kind :
If unprovok'd, will ne'er displease ye.
Or ever make one soul uneasy. â
I'll try to make his sister Prue
Take a small trip to Pindus too.
And Me the Nine shall all inspire
To tune for thee the warbling lyre :
For thee the Muse shall every day
Speed, by the post, her rapid way.
For thee, my friend, I'll oft explore
Deep treasures of romantic lore :
THE NEW BATH GUIDE.
No wonder if I gods create,
As all good bards have done of late ;
'Twill make my verse run smooth and even,
To call new deities from heaven :
Come then, thou goddess I adore !
But soft â my chairman's at the door.
The ball's begun â my friend, no more.
Wâ Dâ R.
THE NEW BATH GUIDE.
Mr. SiMKiN B â N â R â D to Lady B â n â r â d, at
Mr. B â N â R â D*s Reflections on his Arrival at Bath. â The Case of Himself
and Company. â ^The Acquaintance he commences, &c. &c.
We all are a wonderful distance from home !
Two hundred and sixty long miles are we come !
And sure you'll rejoice, my dear mother, to hear
We are safely arriv'd at the sign of the Bear.
Tis a plaguy long way ! â but I ne'er can repine,
As my stomach is weak, and my spirits decline :
For the people say here, â be whatever your case,
You are sure to get well if you come to this place. â
Miss Jenny made fun, as she always is wont,
Of Prudence my sister, and Tabitha Runt ;
And every moment she heard me complain,
Declar'd I was vapour'd, and laugh'd at my pain.
To f nee Ta ^f () â
THE NEW BATH GUIDE. <
What tho' at Devizes I fed pretty hearty,
And made a good meal, like the rest of the party,
When I came here to Bath^ not a bit could I eat,
Tho* the man at the Bear had provided a treat :
And so I went quite out of spirits to bed.
With wind in my stomach, and noise in my head.
As we all came for health (as a body may say)
I sent for the doctor the very next day,
And the doctor was pleas'd, tho' so short was the warning.
To come to our lodging betimes in the morning ;
He look'd very thoughtful and grave, to be sure,
And I said to myself, â There's no hopes of a cure !
But I thought I should faint, when I saw him, dear mother,
Feel my pulse with one hand, with a watch in the other ;
No token of death that is heard in the night
Could ever have put me so much in a fright ;
Thinks I â 'tis all over â my sentence is past,
And now he is counting how long I may last. â
Then he look'd at , and his face grew so long,
I'm sure he thought something within me was wrong. â
He determin'd our cases, at length, (G â d preserve us I)
I'm bilious, I find, and the women are nervous ;
10 THE NEW BATH GUIDE.
Their systems relax'd, and all turn'd topsy-turvy,
With hypochondriacs, obstructions, and scurvy ;
And these are distempers he must know the whole on,
For he talk'd of the peritoneum and colon^
Of phlegmatic humours oppressing the women,
From foeculent matter that swells the abdomen ;
But the noise I have heard in my bowels like thunder,
Is a flatus, I find, in my left hypochonder.
So plenty of med'cines each day does he send
Post slngulas liquidas sedes sumend'
Ad crepitus vesper & mart promovend*
In English to say, we must swallow a potion
For driving out wind after every motion ;
The same to continue for three weeks at least,
Before we may venture the waters to taste.
Five times have I purg'd, yet I'm sorry to tell ye
I find the same gnawing and wind in my belly ;
But, without any doubt, I shall find myself stronger,
When I've took the same physic a week or two longer.
He gives little Tabby a great many doses.
For he says the poor creature has got a Chlorosis^
THE NEW BATH GUIDE. 1 1
Or a ravenous Pica^ so brought on the vapours
By swallowing stuff she had read in the papers ;
And often I've marveird she spent so much money
In Water-dock Essence^ and Balsam of Honey ;
Such tinctures, elixirs, such pills have I seen,
I never could wonder her face was so green.
Yet he thinks he can very soon set her to right
With Testic Equin that she takes every night ;
And when to her spirits and strength he has brought her,
He thinks she may venture to bathe in the water.
But Prudence is forc'd ev'ry day to ride out,
For he says she wants thoroughly jumbling about.
Now it happens in this very house is a lodger.
Whose name's Nicodemus, but some call him Roger,
And Roger's so kind as my sister to bump
On a pillion, as soon as she comes from the pump ;
He's a pious good man, and an excellent scholar,
And I think it is certain no harm can befall her;
For Roger is constantly saying his prayers.
Or singing some spiritual hymn on the stairs.
But my cousin Miss Jenny's as fresh as a rose.
And the Captain attends her wherever she goes :
IS THE NEW BATH GUIDE.
The Captain's a worthy good sort of a mariy
For he calls in upon us whenever he can,
And often a dinner or supper he takes here,
And Jenny and he talk of Milton and Shakspeare :
For the life of me now I can't think of his name, -:\
But we all got acquainted as soon as we came.
Don't wonder, dear mother, in verse I have writ,
For Jenny declares I've a good pretty wit ;
She says that she frequently sends a few verses
To friends and acquaintance, and often rehearses :
Declares 'tis the fashion ; and all the world knows
There's nothing so filthy, so vulgar as prose.
And I hope, as I write without any connection,
I shall make a great figure in Dodsley's Collection;
At least, when he chooses his book to increase,
I may take a small flight as 2i fugitive piece. â
But now, my dear mother, I'm quite at a stand.
So I rest your most dutiful son to 'command.
S Bâ Nâ Râ D.
THE NKW BATH GUIDE. 13
Miss Jenny W â d â r, to Lady Eliz. M â d â ss, at
The Birth of Fashion, a Specimen of a modern Ode.
OuRE there are charms by Heaven assign'd
To modish hfe alone ;
A grace, an air, a taste refin'd,
To vulgar souls unknown.
Nature, my friend, profuse in vain,
May every gift impart ;
If unimprov'd, they ne'er can gain
An empire o'er the heart.
Dress be our care in this gay scene
Of Pleasure's best abode :
Enchanting Dress I if well I ween,
Meet subject for an Ode.
14 THE NEW BATH GUIDE.
Come then, nymph of various mien,
Votary true of Beauty's queen.
Whom the young and ag'd adore,
And thy different arts explore,
Fashion, come: â On me a-while
Deign, fantastic nymph, to smile.
MoRiA* thee, in times of yore,
To the motley Proteus bore ;
He, in bishop's robts, array'd,
Went one night to masquerade,
Where thy simple mother stray 'd :
She was clad like harmless quaker,
And was pleas'd my Lord should take her
By the waist, and kindly shake her ;
And, with look demure, said she,
" Pray, my Lord, â do you know me ?"
He, with soothing, flattering arts,
Such as win all female hearts.
Much extoll'd her wit and beauty.
And declar'd it was his duty,
* The Goddess of Folly.
THE NEW BATH GUIDE. i|
As she was a maid of honour,
To confer his blessing on her.
There, 'mid dress of various hue,
Crimson, yellow, green and blue,
All on furbelows and laces,
Slipt into her chaste embraces ;
Then, like sainted rogue, cry'd he,
" Little quaker â you know me" i T'oil
Fill'd with thee she went to France,
Land renown'd for complaisance, aiHailV/
Vers'd in science debonair, .***f^/
Bowing, dancing, dressing hair ;
There she chose her habitation, iiv/.i.
Fix'd thy place of education.
Nymph, at thy auspicious birth,
Hebe strew'd with flow'rs the earth ;
Thee to welcome, all the Graces
Deck'd in ruflBles, deck'd in laces,
With the God of Love attended.
And the Cyprian queen descended.
16 THE NEW BATH GUIDE,
Now you trip it o'er the globe,
Clad in party-colour'd robe,
And, with all thy mother's sense, â
Virtues of your sire dispense.
Goddess, if from hand like mine,
Aught be worthy of thy shrine,
Take the flow'ry wreath I twine.
Lead, oh ! lead me by the hand.
Guide me with thy magic wand, ;; mj.
Whether deck'd in lace and ribbons, :(oaprt hmLl
Thou appear St like Mrs. Gibbons,
Or the nymph of smiling look.
At Bath yclept Janetta Cook.
Bring, O bring thy essence-pot,
Amber, musk, and bergamot,
Eau de chipre, eau de luce, /vfaija %siii
Sans pareil and citron juice,
Nor thy band-box leave behind,
Fill'd with stores of every kind ;
All th' enraptur'd bard supposes,
Who to Fancy odes composes;
THE NEW BATH GUIDE. 17
All that Fancy's self has felgn'd,
In a band-box is contain'd :
Painted lawns, and chequer'd shades,
Crape, that's worn by love-lorn maids,
Water'd tabbies, flower'd brocades ;
Vi'lets, pinks, Italian posies,
Myrtles, jessamins, and roses,
Aprons, caps, and 'kerchiefs clean,
Straw-built hats, and bonnets green,
Catguts, gauzes, tippets, ruffs.
Fans, and hoods, and feather'd muffs,
Stomachers, and paris-nets.
Ear-rings, necklaces, aigrets,
Fringes, blonds, and mignionets ;
Fine vermilion for the cheek,
Velvet patches a la grecque.
Come, but don't forget the gloves,
Which, with all the smiling loves,
Venus caught young Cupid picking
From the tender breast of chicken ;
Little chicken, worthier far,
Than the birds of Juno's car,
18 THE NEW BATH GUIDE.
Soft as Cytherea's dove,
Let thy skin my skin improve ;
Thou by night shall grace my arm, ,
And by day shalt teach to charm.
Then, O sweet goddess, bring with thee
Thy boon attendant Gaiety,
Laughter, Freedom, Mirth, and Ease,
And all the smiling deities ;
Fancy, spreading painted sails,
Loves that fan with gentle gales. â ^.nn"^
But hark ! methinks I hear a voice,
My organs all at once rejoice ; ,
A voice that says, or seems to say,
" Sister, hasten, sister gay,
" Come to the pump-room â come away/'
^ ' IU>1> JiKi ,
Jâ Wâ Dâ R.
THE NEW BATH GUIDE. 19
Mr. SiMKiN B â N â R â D to Lady B â n â r â d, at
A Consultation of Physicians.
Dear mother, my time has been wretchedly spent,
With a gripe or a hickup wherever I went.
My stomach all swell'd, till I thought it would burst,
Sure never poor mortal with wind was so curst !
If ever I ate a good supper at night,
I dream'd of the devil, and wak'd in a fright :
And so. as I grew evVy day worse and worse.
The doctor advis'd me to send for a nurse,
And the nurse was so willing my health to restore, .
She begg'd me to send for a few doctors more ;
For when any difficult work's to be done.
Many heads can dispatch it much sooner than one } *
And I find there are doctors enough at this place,
If you want to consult in a dangerous case !
20 THE NEW BATH GUIDE.
So they all met together, and thus began talking :
" Good doctor, Tm your's â 'tis a fine day for walking â
" Sad news in'the papers â G-d knows who's to blame !
" The colonies seem to be all in at flame â
" This stamp ad, no doubt, might be good for the crown,
" But I fear 'tis a pill that will never go down â
" What can Portugal mean ? â Is she going to stir up
" Convulsions and heats in the bowels of Europe ?
" 'Twill be fatal if England relapses again,
" From the ill blood and humours of Bourbon and Spain.''
Says I, ' My good doctors, I can't understand
* Why the deuce ye take so many patients in hand ;
' YeVe a great deal of practice, as far as I find,
' But since ye're come hither, do pray be so kind
' To write me down something that's good for the wind.
' No doubt ye are all of ye great politicians,
* But at present my bowels have need of physicians :
' Consider my case in the light it deserves,
' And pity the state of my stomach and nerves." â
But a tight little doctor began a dispute
About administrations, Newcastle and Bute^
THE NEW BATH GUIDE. 21
Talk'd much of oeconomy, much of profuseness. â
Says another â " This case, which at first was a loosiiess,
" Is become a Tenesmus^ and all we can do
" Is to give him a gentle cathartic or two;
'â¢ First get off the phlegm that adheres to the Plicce,
" Then throw in a med'cine that's pretty and spicy ; â
" A peppermint draught, â or a â Gome, let's be gone, ..nH
" We've another bad case to consider at one."
So thus they brush'd off, each his cane at his nose,
When Jenny came in, who had heard all their prose;
" ril teach them," says she, " at their next consultation,
" To come and take fees for the good of the nation."
I could not conceive what a devil she meant,
But she seiz'd all the stuff that the doctor had sent.
And out of the window she flung it down souse.
As the first politician went out of the house.
Decoctions and syrups around him all flewÂ»
The pill, bolus, julep, and apozem too;
His wig had the luck a cathartic to meet.
And squash went the gallipot under his feet.
22 THE NEW BATH GUIDE.
She said, 'twas a shame I should swallow such stuff,
When my bowels were weak, and the physic so rough ;
Declar'd she was shock'd that so many should come
To be doctor'd to death such a distance from home,
At a place where they tell you that water alone
Can cure all distempers that ever were known.
But, what is the pleasantest part of the story^
She has ordered for dinner a piper and dory ;
For to-day Captain Cormorant's coming to dine,
That worthy acquaintance of Jenny's and mine.
'Tis a shame to the army, that men of such spirit
Should never obtain the reward of their merit ;
For the Captain's as gallant a man I'll be sworn, .
And as honest a fellow as ever was born:
After so many hardships, and dangers incurred,
He himself thinks he ought to be better preferr'd,
And Roger, or what is his name? Nicodemus,
Appears full as kind, and as much to esteem us ;
Our Prudence declares he's an excellent preacher,
And by night and by day he's so good as to teach her ;
His doctrine so sound with such spirit he gives.
She ne'er can forget it as long as she lives.
THE NEW BATH GUIDE. gj
I told you before, that he's often so kind
To go out a riding with Prudence behind,
So frequently dines here without any pressing,
And now to the fish he is giving his blessing ;
And as that is the case, though I've taken a griper,
I'll venture to peck at the dory and piper.
And now my dear mother, &:c. &:c. &;c,
S B â N â R â D.
24 THE NEW BATH GUIDE.
Mr. SiMKiN B â N â R^D to Lady B â n â r â d, at
Salutatiohs of Bath, and an Adventure of Mr. B â n â r â d's in
^ o city, dear mother, this city excels,
In charming sweet sounds both of fiddles and bells ;
I thought, like a fool, that they only would ring
For a wedding, or judge, or the birth of a king ;
But I found 'twas for me, that the good-natur'd people
Rung so hard that I thought they would pull down the steeple;
So I took out my purse, as I hate to be shabby.
And paid all the men when they came from the abbey ;
Yet some think it strange they should make such a riot
In a place where sick folk would be glad to be quiet ;
But I hear 'tis the bus'ness of this corporation
To welcome in all the great men of the nation ;
THE NEW BATH GUIDE. 25
For you know there is nothing diverts or employs
The minds of^ great people like making a noise:
So with bells they contrive all as much as they can
To tell the arrival of any such man.
If a broker, or statesman, a gamester, or peer,
A nat'raliz'd Jew, or a bishop comes here,
Or an eminent trader in cheese should retire,
Just to think of the bus'ness the state may require,
With horns and with trumpets, with fiddles and drums,
They'll strive to divert him as soon as he comes ;
Tis amazing they find such a number of ways
Of employing his thoughts all the time that he stays !
If by chance the great ina.n at his lodging alone is,
He may view from his window the colliers' ponies
On both the parades, where they tumble and kick,
To the great entertainment of those that are sick :
What a number of turnspits and builders he'll find
For relaxing his cares and unbending his mind.
While notes of sweet music contend with the cries
O^ fine potted laver afresh oysters^ and pies !
And music's a thing I shall truly revere,
Since the city-musicians so tickled my ear :
S6 THE NEW BATH GUIDE.
For when we arriv'd here at Bath t'other day^
They came to our lodgings on purpose to play ;
And I thought it was right as the music was come,
To foot it a little in Tabitua's room ;
For practice makes perfect^ as often I've read,
And to heels is of service as well as the head :
But the lodgers were shock'd such a noise we should makeÂ»
And the ladies declar'd that we kept them awake ;
Lord Ringbone, who lay in the parlour below,
On account of the gout he had got in his toe,
Began on a sudden to curse and to swear :
I protest, my dear mother, 'twas shocking to hear
The oaths of that reprobate gouty old peer:
" All the devils in hell sure at once have concurr'd
" To make such a noise here as never was heard '^
" Some blundering blockhead, while I am in bed,
" Treads as hard as a coach -horse just over my head ;
" I cannot conceive what a plague he's about :
" Are the fiddlers come hither to make all this rout
" With their d â 'd squeaking catgut, that's worse than the
THE NEW BATH GUIDE. t7
" If the aldermen bad 'em come hither, I swear,
" I wish they were broiling in hell with the May'r;
" May flames be my portion if ever I give
" Those rascals one farthing as long as I live!"
So while they were playing their musical airs,
And I was just dancing the hay round the chairs,
He roar'd to his Frenchman to kick them down stairs.
The Frenchman came forth, with his outlandish lingo,
Just the same as a monkey, and made all the men go ;
I could not make out what he said, not a word.
And his lordship declar'd I was very absurd.
Says I, ' Master Ringbone, I've nothing to fear.
* Tho' you be a Lord, and your man a Mounseer,
* For the May'r and the aldermen bad them come here :
' As absurd as I am,
* I don't care a damn
* For you, nor your valee de sham :
* For a Lord, do you see,
^ Is nothing to me,
* Any more than a flea ;
* And your Frenchman so eager,
' With all his soup meagre.
28 THE NEW BATH GUIDE.
* Is no more than a mouse,
' Or a bug, or a louse,
* And I'll do as I please while I stay in the house ;
* For the Bâ n â r â d family all can afford
' To part with their money as free as a Lord.'
So I thank'd the musicians, and gave them a guinea,
Tho' the ladies and gentlemen call'd me a ninny ;
And I'll give them another the next time they play,
For men of good fortune encourage, they say.
All arts and all sciences too in their way ;
So the men were so kind as to halloo and bawl,
*' God bless you. Sir, thank you, good fortune befall
" Yourself, and the B â n â r â d family all."
Excuse any more â for I very well know.
Both my subject and verse â is exceedingly low;
But if any great critic finds fault with my letter,
He has nothing to do but to send you a better.
And now, my dear mother, &;c. kc. kc.
Bath, 1766. S Bâ Nâ Râ D.
THE NEW BATH GUIDE. S9
Mr. SiMKiN B â N â R â D to Lady B â n â r â d, at
Mr, B â N â R â D gives a Description of the Bathing,
1 H I s morning, dear mother, as soon as 'twas light,
I was wak'd by a noise that astonish'd me quite ;
For in Tabitha's chamber I heard such a clatter,
I could not conceive what the deuce was the matter ;
And, wou'd you believe it, I went up and found her
In a blanket with two lusty fellows around her,
Who both seem'd a going to carry her ojBP in
A little black box just the size of a coffin :
* Pray tell me,' says I, ' what ye're doing of there ?'
** Why, master, 'tis hard to be bilk'd of our fare,
" And so we were thrusting her into a chair ;
" We don't see no reason for using us so,
" For she bad us come hither, and now she won't go:
30 THE NEW BATH GUIDE.
" We've earn'd all the fare, for we both came and knock 'd her
" Up as soon as 'twas light,- by advice of the doctor;
*' And this is a job that we often go a'ter,
" For ladies that choose to go into the water."
* But pray,' says I, Tabitha, what is your drift
' To be cover'd in flannel instead of a shift ?
* *Tis all by the doctor's advice, I suppose,
* That nothing is left to be seen but your nose :
' I think if you really intend to go in,
* 'T would do you more good if you stript to the skin ;
' And if you've a mind for a frolick, i'fa'th,
* I'll just step and see you jump into the bath.'
So they hoisted her down just as safe and as well â¢
And as snug as a hodmandod rides in his shell :
1 fain wou'd have gone to see Tabitha dip,
But they turn'd at a corner and gave me the slip.
Yet in searching about I had better success.
For I got to a place where the ladies undress :
Thinks I to myself, they are after some fun,
And 111 see what they're doing, as sure as a gun ;
So I peep'd at the door, and I saw ^ great mat,
That cover'd the table, and got under that,
THE NEW BATH GUIDE. 51