And laid myself down there as snug and as still,
(As a body may say) like a thief in a mill ;
And of all the fine sights I have seen, my dear mother,
I never expect to behold such another :
How the ladies did giggle and set up their clacks,
All the while an old woman was rubbing their backs !
Oh 'twas pretty to see them all put on their flannels,
And then take the water, like so many spaniels;
And tho' all the while it grew hotter and hotter.
They swam, just as if they were hunting an otter.
'Twas a glorious sight to behold the fair sex
All wading with gentlemen up to their necks,
And view them so prettily tumble and sprawl
In a great smoking kettle as big as our hall :
And to-day, many persons of rank and condition
Were boil'd by command of an able physician;
Dean Spavin, Dean Mangey, and Doctor De'squirt,
Were all sent from Cambridge to rub off their dirt ; •
Judge Bane, and the worthy old Counsellor Pest,
jfoind issue at once, and went in with the rest ;
And this they all said was exceedingly good
For strength'ning the spirits and mending the blood.
32 THE NEW BATH GUIDE.
It pleas'd me to see how they all were inclin'd
To lengthen their lives for the good of mankind ;
For I ne'er would believe that a bishop or judge
Can fancy old Satan may owe him a grudge ;
Tho' some think the lawyer may choose to demur,
And the priest till another occasion defer ;
And both to be better prepar'd for herea'ter,
Take a smack of the brimstone contain'd in the water.
But, what is surprizing, no mortal e'er view'd
Any one of the physical gentlemen stew'd ;
Since the day that King Bladud* first found out these bogs,
And thought them so good for himself and his hogs,
Not one of the faculty ever has try'd
These excellent waters to cure his own hide ;
Tho' many a skilful and learned physician,
With candour, good sense, and profound erudition,
Obliges the world with the fruits of his brain,
Their nature and hidden effects to explain.
Thus Chiron advis'd Madam Thetis to take
And dip her poor child in the Stygian lake,
* Vide Old Bath Guide.
THE NEW BATH GUIDE. ^^
But the worthy old doctor was not such an elf
As ever to venture his carcase himself.
So Jason's good wife us'd to set on a pot,
And put in at onoe all the patients she got,
But thought it sufficient to give her direction,
Without being coddled to mend her complexion :
And I never have heard that she wrote any treatise
To tell what the virtue of water and heat is.
You cannot conceive what a number of ladies
Were wash'd in the water the same as our maid is :
Old Baron Vanteazer, a man of great wealth,
Brought his lady the Baroness here for her health ;
The Baroness bathes, and she says that her case
Has been hit to a hair, and is mending apace :
And this is a point all the learned agree on,
The Baron has met with the fate of Acteon ;
Who, while he peep'd into the bath, had the luck
To find himself suddenly chang'd to a buck.
Miss ScRATCHiT wcut in, and the Countess of Scales,
Both ladies of very great fashion in Wales ;
Then all on a sudden two persons of worth,
My Lady Pandora Macscurvy came forth,
With General Sulphur arriv'd from the North.
34 THE NEW BATH GUIDE.
So Tabby, you see, had the honour of washing
With folks of distinction, and very high fashion ;
But in spite of good company, poor little soul,
She shook both her ears like a mouse in a bowl.
Ods-bobs ! how delighted I was unawares
With the fiddles I heard in the room above stairs ;
For music is wholesome, the doctors all think,
For ladies that bathe, and for ladies that drink ;
And that's the opinion of Robin our driver.
Who whistles his nags while they stand at the river :
They say it is right that for every glass
A tune you should take, that the water may pass,
So while little Tabby was washing her rump,
The ladies kept drinking it out of a pump.
Fve a deal more to say, but am loth to intrude
On your time, my dear mother, so now FU conclude.
S B — N — R D.
THE NEW BATH GUIDE. 35
Mr. SiMKiN B — N — R — D to Lady B — n — r — d, at —
A Panegyric on Bath, and a Moravian Hymn.
Of all the gay places the world can afford,
By gentle and simple for pastime ador'd,
Fine balls, and fine concerts, fine buildings, and springs,
Fine walks, and fine views, and a thousand fine things,
(Not to mention the sweet situation and air)
What place, my dear mother, with Bath can compare ?
Let Bristol for commerce and dirt be renown'd,
At Sals' bury pen-knives and scissars be ground ;
The towns of Devizes, of Bradford and Frome^
May boast that they better can manage the loom ;
I believe that they may ; — but the world to refine,
In manners, in dress, in politeness to shine,
O Bath ! let the art, let the glory be thine.
3^ THE NEW BATH GUIDE.
I'm sure that I've travell'd our country all o'er,
And ne'er was so civilly treated before ;
Would you think, my dear mother, (without the least hint
That we all should be glad of appearing in print)
The news-writers here were so kind as to give all
The world an account of our happy arrival ? —
You scarce can imagine what numbers I've met,
(Tho' to me they are perfectly strangers as yet)
Who all with address and civility came,
And seem'd vastly proud of subscribing our name.
Young Timothy Canvass is charm'd with the place,
Who, I hear, is come hither, his fibres to brace;
Poor man ! at th' election he threw, t'other day,
All his victuals, and liquor, and money away ;
And some people think with such haste he began,
That soon he the constable greatly outran.
And is qualify'd now for a parliament-man :
Goes every day to the coffee-house, where
The wits and the great politicians repair ;
Harangues on the funds and the state of the nation.
And plans a good speech for an administration,
THE NEW BATH GUIDE. 37
In hopes of a place which he thinks he deserves,
As the love of his country has ruined his nerves. —
Our neighbour, Sir Easterlin Widgeon, has swore
He ne'er will return to his bogs any more ;
The Thicksculls are settled ; we've had invitations
With a great many more on the score of relations :
The Loungers are come too. — Old Stucco has just sent
His plan for a house to be built in the Crescent ;
'Twill soon be complete, and they say all their work
Is as strong as St. PauVs, or the minster at York.
Don't you think 'twould be better to lease our estate,
And buy a good house here before 'tis too late?
You never can go, my dear mother, where you
So much have to see, and so little to do.
I write this in haste, for the Captain is come,
And so kind as to go with us all to the Room ;
But be sure by the very next post you shall hear
Of all I've the pleasure of meeting with there :
For I scribble my verse with a great deal of ease,
And can send you a letter whenever I please :
38 THE NEW BATH GUIDE.
And while at this place I've the honour to stay,
I think I can never want something to say.
But now, my dear mother, &:c. fcc. &:c.
S- B — N — R D.
I'm sorry to find at the city of Bath^
Many folks are uneasy concerning their faith :
NicoDEMus, the preacher, strives all he can do
To quiet the conscience of good sister Prue ;
But Tabby from scruples of mind is releas'd
Since she met with a learned Moravian priest,
Who says. There is neither transgression nor sin ;
A doctrine that brings many customers in.
She thinks this the prettiest ode upon earth,
Which he made on his infant that dy'd in the birth.
THE NEW BATH GUIDE. 59
O D E.*
Little bee on Jesu's breast I
From the hurry
And the flurry
Of the earth thou'rt now at rest.
* The learned Moravian has pirated this Ode from Count Zinzendorf's
Book of Hymns. Vid. H. 33.
40 THE NEW BATH GUIDE.
Mr. Sim KIN B — n — r — d to Lady B — n — e — d, at •
Mr. B — N — R — D goes to the Rooms. His Opinion of Gaming.
r ROM the earliest ages, dear mother, till now,
All statesmen and great politicians allow
That nothing advances the good of a nation.
Like giving all money a free circulation :
This question from members of parliament draws
Many speeches that meet universal applause ;
And if ever, dear mother, I live to be one,
I'll speak on this subject as sure as a gun:
For Bath will I speak, and I'll make an oration
Shall obtain me the freedom of this corporation ;
I have no kind of doubt but the Speaker will beg
All the members to hear when I set out my leg.
*' Circulation of cash — circulation decay 'd —
*' Is at once the destruction and ruin of trade ;
THE NEW BATH GUIDE. 4I
*' Circulation — I say — circulation it is,
" Gives life to commercial countries like this :"
What thanks to the city of Bath then are due
From all who this patriot maxim pursue !
For in no place whatever that national good
Is practis'd so well, and so well understood.
What infinite merit and praise does she claim in
Her ways and her means for promoting o^ gaming!
And gaming^ no doubt, is of infinite use
That same circulation of cash to produce.
What true public-spirited people are here,
Who for that very purpose come every year !
AH eminent men, who no trade ever knew
But gaming^ the only good trade to pursue ;
All other professions are subject to fail,
But gaming s a bus'ness will ever prevail ;
Besides, 'tis the only good way to commence
An acquaintance with all men of spirit and sense ;
We may grub on without it thro' life, I suppose.
But then 'tis with people — that nobody knows.
We ne'er can expect to be rich, wise, or great,
Or look'd upon fit for employments of state :
4fe THE NEW BATH GUIDE.
'Tis your men of fine heads, and of nice calculations,
That afford so much service to administrations,
Who by frequent experience know how to devise
The speediest methods of raising supplies :
*Tis such men as these, men of honour and worth,
That challenge respect from all persons of birth ;
And is it not right they should all be carest,
When they're all so polite, and so very well drest,
When they circulate freely the money they've won.
And wear a lac'd coat, tho' their fathers wore none ?
Our trade is encourag'd as much, if not more.
By the tender soft sex I shall ever adore ; ^
But their husbands, those brutes, have been known to complain,
And swear they will never set foot here again. —
Ye wretches ingrate ! to find fault with your wives,
The comfort, the solace, and joy of your lives ;
Oh ! that women, whose price is so far above rubies,
Should fall to the lot of such ignorant boobies !
Does n't Solomon speak of such women with rapture.
In verse his eleventh and thirty-first chapter ?
THE NEW BATH GUIDE. 43
And surely that wise king of Israel knew
What belong 'd to a woman much better than you !
He says, *' if you find out a virtuous wife,
" She will do a man good all the days of her life;
** She deals like a merchant, she sitteth up late."
And you'll find it is written in verse twenty-eight,
" Her husband is sure to be known at the gate.
" He never hath need or occasion for spoil,
" When his wife is much better employ 'd all the while;
*' She seeketh fine wool, and fine linen she buys,
" And is clothed in purple and scarlet likewise."
Now pray don't your wives do the very same thing,
And follow th' advice of that worthy old king ?
Do they spare for expences themselves in adorning ?
Don't they go about buying fine things all the morning?
And at cards all the night take the trouble to play,
To get back the money they spent in the day ?
And sure there's no sort of occasion to shew
Ye are known at the gate, or wherever ye go.
Pray are not your ladies at Bath better plac'd
Than the wife of a king, who herself so disgrac'd,
And at Ithaca liv'd in such very bad taste P
44 THE NEW BATH GUIDE.
Poor soul ! while her husband thought proper to leave her,
She slav'd all the day like a Spilalfields weaver,
And then like a fool, when her web was half spun,
Pull'd to pieces at night all the M'ork she had done :
But these to their husbands more profit can yield,
And are much like a lily that grows in the field ;
They toil not indeed, nor indeed do they spin,
Yet they never are idle when once they begin.
But are very intent on increasing their store,
And always keep shuffling and cutting for more :
Industrious creatures ! that make it a rule
To secure half the fish, while they manage the pool ;
So they win, to be sure ; but I very much wonder
Why they put so much money the candlestick under;
For up comes a man on a sudden, slap-dash.
Snuffs the candles and carries away all the cash :
And as nobody troubles their heads any more,
I'm in very great hopes that it goes to the poor. —
Methinks I should like to excel in a trade
By which such a number their fortunes have made.
I've heard of a wise, philosophical Jew,
That shuffles the cards in a manner that's new ;
THE NEW BATH GUIDE. 45
One Jonas, I think : — And could wish for the future
To have that illustrious sage for my tutor;
And the Captain, whose kindness I ne'er can forget,
Will teach me a game that he calls Lansquenet,
So I soon shall acquaint you what money Tve won ;
In the mean time I rest your most dutiful son,
S B— N— R— D.
THE END OF THE FIRST PART.
NEW BATH GUIDE.
THE NEW BATH GUIDE. 4^
Miss Jenny W — d — r, to Lady Eliz. M — d — ss, al
— : Castle, North.
1 o humbler strains, ye Nine, descend, ^
And greet my poor sequester'd friend.
Not odes, with rapid eagle flight, 1
That soar above all human sight, c/ ^
Not Fancy's fair and fertile field, ^ <.
To all the same delight can yield. ^
But come. Calliope, and say
How pleasure wastes the various day :
50 THE NEW BATH GUIDE.
Whether thou art wont to rove
By Parade, or Orange Grove,
Or to breathe a purer air
In the Circus or the Square ;
Wheresoever be thy path, ^
Tell, O tell the joys of Bath,
EvVy morning, ev'ry night,
Gayest scenes of fresh delight ;
When Aurora sheds her beams,
Wak'd from soft Elysian dreams.
Music calls me to the spring,
Which can health and spirits bring :
There Hygeia, goddess, pours
Blessings from her various stores ;
Let me to her altars haste,
Tho' I ne'er the waters taste,
Near the pump to take my stand, J
With a nosegay in my hand.
And to hear the Captain say,
" How d'ye do, dear Miss, to-day?"
THE NEW BATH GUIDE. 5 1
The Captain ; — Now you'll say, my dear,
Methinks I long his name to hear: —
Why then — but don't you tell my aunt,
The Captain's name is Cormorant ;
But hereafter you must know,
I shall call him Romeo,
And your friend, dear lady Bet,
Jenny no more, but Juliet.
O ye guardian spirits fair,
All who make true love your care,
May I oft my Romeo meet,
Oft enjoy his converse sweet ;
I alone his thoughts employ,
Through each various scene of joy I
Lo ! where all the jocund throng
From the pump-room hastes along.
To the breakfast all invited
By Sir Toby lately knighted.
See with joy my Romeo comes !
He conducts me to the Rooms ;
St THE NEW BATH GUIDE.
There he whispers, not unseen,
Tender tales behind the screen ;
While his eyes are fix'd on mine.
See each nymph with envy pine,
And, with looks of forc'd disdain,
Smile contempt, but sigh in vain !
O the charming party's made !
Some to walk the south Parade,
Some to Lincomb's shady groves,
Or to Simpson's proud alcoves ;
Some for chapel trip away,
Then take places for the play ;
Or we walk about in pattens.
Buying gauzes, cheap 'ning sattins :
Or to Painter's we repair, f;^
Meet Sir Peregrine Hatchet there,
Pleas'd the artist's skill to trace
In his dear Miss Gorgon's face:
Happy pair ! who fix'd as fate
For the sweet connubial state,
Smile in canvass tete-d-tete.
THE NEW BATH GUIDE. 55
If the weather, cold and chill,
Calls us all to Mr. Gill,
Romeo hands to me the jelly,
Or the soup of vermicelli :
If at Toyshop I step in,
He presents a diamond pin ;
Sweetest token I can wear,
Which at once may grace my hair,
And in witness of my flame.
Teach the glass to bear his name :
See him turn each trinket over,
If for me he can discover
Aught his passion to reveal,
Emblematic ring or seal,
Cupid whetting pointed darts.
For a pair of tender hearts ;
Hymen lighting sacred fires.
Types of chaste and fond desires.
Thus enjoy we ev'ry blessing. ^, f-i
Till the toilet calls to dressing ;
Where's my garnet, cap, and sprig?
Send for Singe to dress my wig :
54 THE NEW BATH GUIDE.
Bring my silver'd mazarine,
Sweetest gown that e'er w;as seen : ^y
Tabitha, put on my ruff:
Where's my dear delightful muff?
Muff, my faithful Romeo's present !
Tippet too from tail of pheasant !
Muff from downy breast of swan !
O the dear enchanting man \
Muff that makes me think how Jove
Flew to Leda from, above —
Muff that — Tabby, see who rapt then.
*' Madam, Madam, 'tis the Captain !"
Sure his voice I hear below,
'Tis, it is my Romeo !
Shape and gait, and careless air,
Diamond ring, and solitaire,
Birth and fashion all declare.
How his eyes, that gently roll, h
Speak the language of his soul !
See the dimple on his cheek,
See him smile and sweetly speak ;
THE NEW BATH GUIDE. 65
" Lovely nymph, at your command,
" I have something in my hand,
" Which I hope you'll not refuse,
*' 'Twill us both at night amuse:
*' What tho' Lady Whisker crave it,
" And Miss Badger longs to have it,
" 'Tis, by Jupiter I swear,
" Tis for you alone, my dear :
" See this ticket, gentle maid,
" At your feet an offering laid :
'* Thee the loves and graces call
" To a little private ball :
" And to play I bid adieu, y
" Hazard, lansquenet, and loo,
" Fairest nymph, to dance with you."
— I with joy accept his ticket, , .
And upon my bosom stick it : .
Well I know how Romeo dances,
With what air he first advances,
With what grace his gloves he draws on.
Claps, and calls up JVancy Dawson ;
56 THE NEW BATH GUIDE.
Me thro' ev'ry dance conducting,
And the music oft instructing ;
See him tap, the time to shew, f Mf ^^^
With his hght fantastic toe ;
Skill'd in ev'ry art to please,
From the fan to waft the breeze, i
Or his bottle to produce,
Fill'd with pungent Eau de Luce.
Wonder not, my friend, I go
To the ball with Romeo.
Such delights if thou canst give,
Bath, at thee I choose to live.
W— D— R.
THE NEW BATH GUIDE. 51
Inclos'd you'll find some lines, my dear, ^
Made by a hungry poet here,
(^ A happy bard, who rhymes and eats,
And lives by uttering quaint conceits ;
>^ Yet thinks to him alone belong -^"^^
V The laurels due to modern song.
58 THE NEW BATH GUIDE.
A CHARGE TO THE POETS.
Written at Mr. Gill's, an eminent Cook at Bath.
Ov wpoq wavTog etrriv uorvcroci icocXug. Frag. Vet. Poet.
Y E bards who sing the hero's praise,
Or lass's of the mill, [Forle,
A loftier theme invites your lays.
Come tune your lyres to Gill.
Of all the cooks the world can boast,
However great their skill.
To bake, or fry, to boil, or roast.
There's none like Master Gill.
Sweet rhyming troop, no longer stoop
To drink Castalia's rill.
Whene'er ye droop, O taste the soup
That's made by Master Gill.
THE NEW BATH GUIDE. 59
O taste this soup, for which the fair,
When hungry, cold, and chill.
Forsake the Circus and the Square
To eat with Master Gill.
Tis this that makes my Chloe*s lips
Ambrosial sweets distil ; [Affetiuoso.
For leeks and cabbage oft she sips
In soup that's made by Gill.
Immortal bards view here your wit.
The labours of your quill.
To singe the fowl upon the spit
Condemn'd by Master Gill.
My humble verse that fate will meet.
Nor shall I take it ill ;
But grant, ye gods ! that I may eat
That fowl when drest by Gill.
These are your true poetic fires
That drest this sav'ry grill ;
E'en while I eat the muse inspires,
And tunes my voice to Gill.
50 THE NEW BATH GUIDE.
When C strikes the vocal lyre,
Sweet Lydian measures thrill ;
But I the gridir'n more admire,
When tun'd by Master Gill.
" Come take my sage of ancient use,*^
Cries learned Doctor H — ll :
" But what's the sage without the goose ?"
Replies my Master Gill.
He who would fortify his mind,
His belly first should fill ; [Forte.
Roast beef gainst terrors best you'll find ;
*' The Greeks knew this," says Gill.
Your spirits and your blood to stir.
Old Galen gives a pill ;
But I the forc'd-meat ball prefer,
Prepar'd by Master Gill.
While he so well can broil and bake,
I'll promise and fulfil.
No other physic e'er to take
Than what's prescrib'd by Gill.
THE NEW BATH GUIDE. 61
Your bard has liv'd at Bath so long, [Piano,
He dreads to see your bill —
Instead of cash accept this song, [Pianissimo,
My worthy Master Gill.
62 THE NEW BATH GUIDE.
Mr. SiMKiN B — N — R — D to Lady B — n — r — d, at
Taste and Spirit. Mr. B — n — k — d commences a Beau GAR90N.
00 lively, so gay, my dear mother, I'm grown,
1 long to do something to make myself known ;
For persons of taste and true spirit, 1 find,
Are fond of attracting the eyes of mankind :
What numbers one sees, who, for that very reason,
Come to make such a figure at Bath, ev'ry season !
'Tis this that provokes Mrs. Shenkin Ap-Leek
To dine at the ord'nary twice in a week,
Tho' at home she might eat a good dinner in comfort,
Nor pay such a cursed extravagant sum for't :
But then her acquaintance would never have known
Mrs. Shenkin Ap-Leek had acquir'd the bon ton;
Ne'er shewn how in taste the Ap-Leeks can excel
The Dutchess of Truffles, and Lady Morell ;
THE NEW BATH GUIDE. 6s
Had ne'er been ador'd by Sir Pye Macaroni, /
And Count Vermicelli, his intimate crony;
Both men of such lasle, their opinions are taken
From an ortolan down to a rasher of bacon.
What makes Kitty Spicer, and little Miss Sago,
To auctions and milliners shops ev'ry day go?
What makes them to vie with each other and quarrel
Which spends the most money for splendid apparel ?
Why, Spirit — to shew they have much better sense
Than their fathers, who rais'd it by shillings and pence.
What sends Peter Tewksbury every night
To the play with such infinite joy and delight?
Why, Peter's a critic, with true Attic salt,
Can damn the performers, can hiss, and find fault.
And tell when we ought to express approbation.
By thumping, and clapping, and vociferation;
So he gains our attention, and all must admire
Young Tewksbury's judgment, his spirit and fire,
But Jack Dilettante despises the play'rs,
To concerts and musical parties repairs.
64 THE NEW BATH GUIDE.
With benefit tickets his pockets he fills,
Like a mountebank doctor distributes his bills ;
And thus his importance and interest shews,
By conferring his favours wherever he goes ;
He's extremely polite both to me and my cousin.
For he often desires us to take off a dozen ;
He has taste, without doubt, and a delicate ear,
No vile oratorios ever could bear ;
But talks of the op'ras and his Signiora^
Cries bravo, benissimo, bravo, encora!
And oft is so kind as to thrust in a note
While old Lady Cuckow is straining her throat,
Or little Miss Wren, who's an excellent singer;
Then he points to the notes, with a ring on his finger ;
And shews her the crotchet, the quaver, and bar,
All the time that she warbles and plays the guitar ;
Yet, I think, though she's at it from morning 'till noon.
Her queer little thingumbob's never in tune.
Thank Heaven ! of late, my dear mother, my face is
Not a little regarded at all public places ;
THE NEW BATH GUIDE. 6S
For I ride in a chair, with my hands in a muff,
And have bought a silk coat; and embroider d the cuff;
But the weather was cold, and the coat it was thin,
So the taylor advis'd me to Hne it with skin :
But what with my JYivernois' hat can compare,
Bag-wig, and lac'd ruffles, and black solitaire?
And what can a man of true fashion denote,
Like an ell of good ribbon tied under the throat ?
My buckles and box are in exquisite taste,
The one is of paper, the other of paste :
And sure no Camay eu was ever yet seen
Like that which I purchas'd at Wicksted's machine :
My stockings of silk are just come from the hosier.