works : fo that this, like a thoufind other
things, falls out for us in a way, which
tho* we cannot reafon upon it — yet we
find the good of it, may it pleafe your

reverences and your worfhips and

that's enough for us.

Now, my father could not lie down

with this affliction for his life nor

<i,2



2,30 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS

could he carry it up flairs like the other
— he walked compofedly out with it to
the fifh-pond.

Had my father leaned his head upon
his hand, and reafoned an hour which

way to have gone reafon, with all

her force, could not have direfted him
to any thing like it : there is fomething.

Sir, in fiili-ponds but what it is, I

leave to fyftem-builders and fifh-pond-
diggers betwixt 'em to find out — but
there is fomething, under the firft difor-
derly tranfport of the humours, fo unac-
countably becalming in an orderly and a
fober walk towards one of them, that I
have often wondered that neither Pytha-
goraSy nor Plato, nor Solon, nor LycurguSt
nor Mahomet, nor any one of your noted
lawgivers, ever gave order about them.

CHAP. Llir.

YOUR honour, faid 'Trim, fhutting
the parlour-door before he began
to fpeak, has heard, I imagine, of this
unlucky accident ' O yes, 7r/;»,



OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 231

faid my uncle Ti'ohyy and it gives me
great concern. — I am heartily concerned
too, but I hope your honour, replied
^riniy will do me the juftice to believe,
that it was not in the leaft owing to me.

To thee — Trim ? — cried my uncle

Tohyj looking kindly in his face



'twas Sufannah's and the curate's folly be-
twixt them. What bufinefs could

they have together, an' pleafe your ho-
nour, in the garden ? In the gallery

thou meaneft, replied my uncle Toby.

Trim found he Avas upon a wrong
fcent, and flopped fhort with a low bow
Two misfortunes, quoth the corpo-
ral to himfelf, are twice as many at leail
as are needful to be talked over at one

time y the mifchief the cow has done

in breaking into the fortifications, may

be told his honour hereafter. -Trim's

caiiiiftry and addrefs, under the cover of
his low bow, prevented all fufpicion in
my uncle Tofyj fo he went on with what
he had to fay to Trim as follows :

For my own part, Trim, though

I can fee little or no difference betwixt

0^3



232 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS

my nephew's being called 'Trijlram or
^Trifmegijius — yet as the thing fits fo near

my brother's heart, 'Trim 1 would

freely have given a hundred pounds ra-
ther than it fliould have happened. — —
A hundred pounds, an' pleafe your ho-
nour ! replied Trim^ 1 would not give

a cherry-ftone to boot. Nor would

I, 'Trm^ upon nay own account, quoth

my uncle Toby but my brother,

whom there is no arguing with in this
cafe — -maintains that a great deal more
depends, Trim^ upon chriftian-names,
than what ignorant people imagine
for he fays there never was a great or
heroic aftion performed fince the world
began by one called Trijlram — nay, he
will have it, Trim, that a man can neither

be learned, or wife, or brave. 'Tis

all fancy, an' pleafe your honour — I
fought juft as well, replied the corporal,
when the regiment called me Trim^ as

when they called me James Butler.

And for my own part, faid my uncle
Toby J though I fhould blufh to boafl of
myfelf, Trim yet had my name been



OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 2^^

Alexander J I could have done no more at
Na}hur than my duty. — Blefs your ho-
nour ! cried Tr/w, advancing three fteps
as he ipoke, does a man think of his
chriftian-name when he goes upon the

attack? Or when he ftands in the

trench, T'rim ? cried my uncle I'obyy look-
ing firm. Or when he enters a breach?

faid I'rimj pufhing in betv/een two chairs.
—Or forces the lines ? cried my un-
cle, rifing up, and pufhing his crutch

like a pike. Or facing a platoon?

cried Tr/»/, prefenting his ftick like a

firelock. Or when he marches up the

glacis ? cried my uncle Toby^ looking
warm and fetting his foot upon his
ftool.

CHAP. LIV.

MY father was returned from his
walk to the fiih-pond and

opened the parlour-door in the very
height of the attack, juft as my urxle

Toby was marching up the glacis

'Trim recovered his arms never was

<i.4



£34 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS

my uncle Tiohy caught in riding at fuch
a defperate rate in his life ! Alas ! my
uncle Toby ! had not a weightier matter
called forth all the ready eloquence of
my father — how hadft thou then and
thy poor HoBBY-HoRSE too been in-
fulted !

My father hung up his hat with the
fame air he took it down ; and after
giving a flight look at the diforder of
the room, he took hold of one of the
chairs which had formed the corporal's
breach, and placing it over-againft my
uncle 'Tobyy he fat down in it, and as
foonas the tea-things were taken away,
and the door iliut, he broke out in a I3,-
mentation as follows.

My Father 's Lamentation.

IT is in vain longer, faid my father, ad-
dreffing himfelf as much to Ernul-
fhus\ curfe, which was laid upon the

corner of the chimney-piece as to

my uncle Toby who fat under it it is

in vain longer, faid my father, in ths



OF TRISTRAM SHANDY, 2-35

moft querulous monotony imaginable,
to flrusorle as I have done a^ainft this
moft uncomfortable of human perfua-

fions 1 fee it plainly, that either for

my own fins, brother Toby, or the fins
and follies of the Shandy family. Heaven
has thought fit to draw forth the heavieft
of its artillery againft me j and that the
profperity of my child is the point upon
which the whole force of it is diredted
to play. Such a thing would bat-
ter the whole univerfe about our ears,
brother Shandy y faid my uncle T!oby — if
it was fo — Unhappy T^rijiram ! child of
wrath ! child of decrepitude ! interrup-
tion I miftake ! and difcontent ! What
one misfortune or difafter in the book of
lembryotic evils, that could unmechanize
thy frame, or entangle thy filaments !
which has not fallen upon thy head,
or ever thou camicft into the world

what evils in thy paflage into it !

what evils fince ! produced

into being, in the decline of thy father's

days when the powers of his imagi-

pation and of his body were waxing fee-



236 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS

ble — when radical heat and radical
moifture, the elements which fhoiild
have temper'd thine, were drying up;
?.nd nothing left to found thy flamina in,

but negations — 'tis pitiful brother

^ohy, at the befl, and called out for all
the little helps that care and attention
on both fides could give it. But how
were we defeated ! You know the event,

brother Tchy 'tis too melancholy a

one to be repeated now when the

few animal fpirits I was worth in the
world, and with which memory, fancy,
and quick parts jQiould have been con-

vey'd were all difperfed, confufed,

confounded, fcattered, and fent to the

devil.

Here then was the time to have put a
flop to this perfecution againft him;

and tried an experiment at leail

whether calmnefs and ferenity of

mind in your filler, with a due attention,
brother T^ohy^ to her evacuations and re-
pletions and the reft: of her non-
naturals, might not, in a courfe of nine
months gellation, have fet all things to



OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. I^J

Y'lohts. • My child was bereft of

t-hefe! What a teazlng life did flie

lead herfelf, and confequently her fcEtus
too, with that nonfenfical anxiety of hers
about lying-in in town ? I thought my
filter fubmitted with the greateft patience,

replied" my uncle Tol'y 1 never

heard her utter one fretful word about it.

. She fumed inwardly, cried my

father j and that, let me tell you, bro-
ther, was ten times worfe for the child —
and then '. what battles did ihe fight with
me, and what perpetual ftorms about the

midwife. There Ihe gave vent,

faid my uncle Tol^y. Vent ! cried

my father, looking up.

But what was all this, my dear Toky,
to the injuries done us by my child's
coming head foremoft into the world,
when all I wifhed, in this general wreck
of his frame, was to have faved this httle
cafket unbroke, unrifled.

With all my precautions, how was my
fyftem turned topfide-turvy in the womb
with my child ! his head expofed to the
hand of violence, and a preilure of 470



i^3S THE LIFE AND OPINIONS

pounds avoirdupois weight afting fo per-
pendicularly upon its apex — that at this
hour 'tis ninety pr Cent, infurance, that
the fine net- work of the intelledlual web
be not rent and torn to a thoufand
tatters.

^ Still we could have done. ■ . -

Fool, coxcomb, puppy give him but

a Nose 'Cripple, Dwarf, Driveller,

Goofecap (fhape him as you will)

the door of fortune Hands open — O Li-
cetiis I Licetus I had I been bleft with a
foetus five inches long and a half, like
thee — Fate might have done her worfl.

Still, brother Tobyy there was one call
of the dye left for our child ^fter all—
Trijlram ! 'Trijiratn ! Trijlram !

We will fend for Mr. Toricky fajd my
vincle 'Toby,

— — You may fend for whom you
vill, replied my father,



Of TRISTRAM SHANDY. 2^9

C H A P. LV.

WH A T a rate have I gone on at,
curvetting and frifking it away,
two lip and two down for three volumes*
together, without looking once behind,
or even on one fide of me, to fee whom
I trod upon ! — I'll tread upon no one

quoth I to myfelf when I mounted

I'll take a good rattling gallop;

but I'll not hurt the pooreft jack-afs

upon the road. So off I fet up

one lane — —down another, through
this turnpike over that, as if the arch-
jockey of jockeys had got behind me.
Now ride at this rate with what good

intention and refolution you may 'tis

a million to one you'll do fome one a

mifchief, if not yourfelf He's flung

— he's off — he's loft his hat — he's down

he'll break his neck fee ! if

he has not galloped full among the fcaf-

folding of the undertaking criticks !

he'll knock his brains out againft

fome of their pofts — he's bounced out!

♦ According to the preceding Editions,



240 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS

—look— he's now riding like a mad-cap
full tilt through a whole crowd of paint-
ers, fiddlers, poets, biographers, phyli-
cians, lawyers, logicians, players, fchool-
men, churchmen, llatefmen, foldiers, ca-
fuifts, connoifieurs, prelates, popes, and
engineers. — Don't fear, faid I — Fll not
hurt the pooreft jack-afs upon the king's
highway. — But your horfe throws dirtj

lee you've fplalh'd a bifliop 1 hope

in God, 'twas only Ernulphus, faid I.

— But you have fquirted full in the

faces of MefT. Le Moyne, De Romigny,
and De Marcilly^ do6lors of .the S or bonne.

That was laft year, replied I. —

But you have trod this moment upon a

king. -Kings have bad times on't,

faid I, to be trod upon by fuch people
as me.

You have done it, repHed my accufer.

I deny it, quoth I, and fo have got
off, and here am I Handing with my
bridle in one hand, and with my cap in

the other, to tell my ftory. And

:what is it f" You lliall hear in the next
chapter.



CF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 1^1

CHAP. LVI.

As Francis the firfl of France was one
winterly night warming himfelf
over the embers of a wood fire, and talk-
ing with his firll minifler of fundry
things for the good of the ftate* — It
would not be amifs, faid the king, ftirring
up the embers with his cane, if this
good iinderftanding betwixt ourlelves
and Switzerland was a little ftrengthened.
— There is no end. Sire, replied the mi-
nifler, in giving money to thele people
— they would fvv allow up the treafury of
France. — Poo 1 poo ! anfwered the king
< — there are more vf ays, Monf. k Premier,
of bribing flates, befides that of giving
money — I'll pay S-witzerland the lionour
of flanding godfather for my next child.

Your majefly, faid the miniiler, in

fo doing, would have all the grammari-
ans in Europe upon your backj Swit-

zerlandy as a republick, being a female,
can in no conllrudlion be godfather.—"

• Vide Menagiana, Vol. I



24^ THE LIFE AND OPINIONS

She may be godmother, replied Francis
haftily — lb announce my intentions by a
courier to-morrow morning.

I am aftonifhed, faid Francis the Yvc^,
(that day fortnight) fpeaking to his mi-
nilucr as he entered the clofet, that we
have had no anfwer from Switzerland.

Sire, I wait upon you this moment,

laid Monf. le Premier, to lay before you
my diipatches upon that bufinels. — They
take it kindly, faid the king. — They do.
Sire, replied the minider, and have the
highefi fenfe of the honour your majefty

has done them but the republick, as'

godmother, claims her right, in this cafe,
of naming the child.

In all reafon, quoth the king— — ^fhe
will chriften him Francis, or Henry, or
Lewis, or fome name that fhe knows
will bci agreeable to us. Your majefty

is deceived, replied the minifter 1

have this hour received a difpatch from
our refident, with the determination of
the republick on that point alfo. — ■ — ••
And what name has the republick fixed
upon for the Dauphin ? » Shadrach,



OF TRISTRAM SHA^JdV. 1^^

Mejech^ Abed-nego, replied the minifter.
-^ By Saint Peter's girdle, I will have
nothing to do with the Swifs^ cried Francis
the Firft, pulling up his breeches and
walking haftily acrofs the floor.

Your majefty, replied the minifter
calmly, cannot bring yourfelf off.

We'll pay them in money faid

the king.

Sire, there are not fixty thoufand
crowns in the treafury, anfwered the mi-
nifter. I'll pawn the beft jewel in my

crown, quoth Francis the Firft.

Your honour ftands pawn'd already
in this matter, anfwered Monfieur le
Premier,

Then, Monf. !e Premier^ faid the king,
by we'll go to war with 'cm.

CHAP. LVII.

ALBEIT, gentle reader, I have
lufted earneftly, and endeavoured
carefully (according to the meafure of
fuch a flender fkill as God has vouch-
fafed me, and as convenient Icifure fr.m

VOL. II. R



244 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS

Other occafions of needful profit and
healthful paftime have permitted) that
thefe little books which I here put into
thy hands, might ftand inftead of many-
bigger books — yet have I carried myfelf
towards thee in fuch fanciful guife of
carelefs difport, that right fore am I
afhamed now to intreat thy lenity fe-
riouily in befeeching thee to be-
lieve it of me, that in the llory of my
father and his chriftian-names — I have
no thoughts of treading upon Francis
the Firfi nor in the affair of the nofe

— vi^on Francis the Ninth — nor in the

charader of my uncle l^ohy of cha-

raCterizing the militiatlng fpirits of my
country — the wound upon his groin, is a
wound to every comparifon of that kind

— nor by T^rini — that I meant the duke

of Orr/iond or that my book is wrote

againit predeitination, or free-will, or tax-
es — If 'tis wrote againfi: any thing,

'tis wrote, an' plcafe your worllnips, againft
the fpleen ! in order, by a more frequent
and a more convulfive elevation and de-
prefTion of the diaphragm, and the fuc-



OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 245

culTadons of the intercoftal and rbdomi-
nal mufcles in laughter, to drive the gall
and other hitter juices from the gall-blad-
der, liver, and fweet-bread of his majef-
ty's fubjecls, with all the inimicitious
paflions vvhich belong to them, down into
their duodeniims.

CHAP. LVIir.

""""O '^ ^ ^^" ^^^ thing be undone, Yo-
iL3 rick ? faid iTiy father — for in my
opinion, continued l;e, it cannot. I am
a vile canonifb, replied Torick — but of all
€vils, holding fufpenfe to be the mod
torm.enting, we Ihall at leaft know the
worft of this matter. I hate thefe great

dinners faid my father — The fize of

the dinner is not the point, anfwered

Torick we want, Mr. Shandy^ to dive

into the bottom of this doubt, whether
the name can be chano-ed or not — and as
the beards of fo many commifiaries, offi-
cials, advocates, proftors, rcgifters, and
of the moll eminent of our fchool-di-
vincs, and others, are all to meet in the

R 2



246 THE LIFE AND OPINION'S

middle of one table, and Didius has fa
prefTingly invited you — who in your dlf-
trefs would mifs fuch an occafion ? All
that is requifite, continued. Torick) is to
apprize DidiuSy and let him manage a
converfation after dinner fo as to intro-
duce the fubjedl. — Then my brother To-
fyy cried my father, clapping his two
hands together, fhall go with us.



Let my old tye-wig, quoth my



uncle Tolpyj and my laced regimentals, be
hung to the fire all night. Trim.



OF TRISTRAM SHANDY, 257



CHAP. LX.

— 'V T O doubt. Sir, — there is a whole
JL ^ chapter wanting here — and a
chafm often pages made in the book by-
it —-but the book-binder is neither a
fool, or a knave, or a puppy — nor is
the book a jot more imperfect (at lead
upon that fcore) but, on the con-
trary, the book is more perfed and corri-
plete by wanting the chapter, than hav-
ing it, as I lliall demonftrate to your re-
verences in this manner. — I queftion firft,
by-rhe-bye, whether the fame experi-
ment might not be made as fuccefsfully

upon fundry other chapters but

there is no end, an' pleafe your reveren-
ces, in trying experiments upon chapters
' we have had enough of it— •

So there's m end of that matter,



R



258 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS

But before I begin my demonfliration,
let me only tell you, that the chapter
which I have torn out, and which other-
Vv'ife you would all have been reading juil

nov/, infbead of this was the deicrip-

ticn of my father's, my uncle Tohy^s,
'Trh/is, and Obadiah\ fenting out and
journeying to the vifitation at * * * *.

We'll go in the coach, faid my father
— Prithee, have the arms been altered,
Obadiah .?— It would have made my ftory
much better to have begun with telling
you, that at the time my mother's arms
were added to the Shandy's^ when the
coach was re-pain Led upon my father's
m.arriage, it had fo fallen out, that the
coach-painter, whether by performing
all his worlcs with the left-hand, like
'Turpilius the Ro'inan, or Hans Holbein of

Bfffil or v.-hcther 'twas more from

the blunder of his head than hand or

whether, lailly, it was from the finifter
turn v/hich every thing relating to our

family was apt to take it fo fell out,

however, to our reproach, that inftead
of the bend-dexter J which fince Harry tJie



OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 259

Eighth's reign was honeftly our due

a bend-finifter, by ibme of thefe

flitalities, had been drav/n quite acrofs
the field of the Shandy arms. 'Tis fcarce
credible that the mind of fo wife a man
as my father was, could be fo m.uch in-
commoded with fo fmall a matter. The
word coach—let it be whofe it would —
or coach -man, or coach- horfe, or coach-
hire, could never be named in the fami-
ly, but he conftantly complained of car-
rying tliis vile mark of illegitimacy upon
the door of his own ; he never once was
able to ftep into the coach, or out of it,
without turning round to take a view of
the arms, and making a vow at the fame
time, that it was the laft time he would
ever fct his foot in it again, till the hend-
finijier was taken out — but like the affair
of the hinge, it was one of the many
things which the Defiinies had fet down
in their books ever to be grumbled at:

(and in wifer families than ours)^ but

never to be mended.

— Has the hend-finijier been brufli'd
out, I fay ? faid my father. There



Ci6o THE LIFE AND OPINIONS

has been nothing brufh'd out, Sir, an-
fwercd Obadiahy but the hning. We'll
go o'horfeback, laid my father, turning

to Torick. Of all things in the world,

except politicks, the clergy know the
leafl of heraldry, faid Torick. — No mat-
ter fc r that, cried my father 1 fhould

be forry to appear with a blot in my ef-
cutcheon before them. — Never mind the
hend-fimjlery faid my uncle Tobyj putting
on his tye-wig. — — No, indeed, faid my
father — you may go with my aunt Dinah
to a vifitation with a hend-finijler, if you
think fit — My poor uncle Toby blufli'd.

My father was vexed at himfelf. —.

No my dear brother Toby^ faid my

father, changing his tone but the

damp of the coach-lining about my loins,
may give me the fciatica again, as it did
December i January^ and February lad win-
ter — fo if you pleafe you fhall ride my

wife's pad— and as you are to preach,

Torick^ you had better' make the befl of

your way before and leave me to take

care of my brother Toby^ and to follow atj
pur own rates,



OF TRISTRAM SHANDV. 261"

Now the chapter I was obliged to tear
out, was the defcription of diis caval-
cade, in which Corporal 'Trim and Oba-
diahy upon two coach horfes a-breaft,

led the way as (low as a patrole

whilft my uncle Tobyy in his laced regi-
mentals and tye-wig, kept his rank with
my father, in deep roads and difierta-
tions alternately upon the advantage of
learning and arms, as each could get
the ftart.

— But the painting of this journey,
upon reviewing it, appears to be fo much
above the ftile and manner of any thing
elfe I have been able to paint in this
book, that it could not have remained
in it, without depreciating every other
fcene ; and deftroying at the fame time
that neceflary equipoife and balance,
(v/hether of good or bad) betwixt chap-
ter and chapter, from whence the juft
proportions and harmony of the whole
work refults. For' my own part, I am
but juft fet up in the bufinefs, fo know-
little about it — bur, in my opinion, to
write a book is for ail the world like



262 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS

humming a fong — be but in tune with
yourfelf, madam, 'tis no matter how high
or how low you take, it.

— I'his is the reafon, may it pleafe
your reverences, that Ibme of the low-eft
and fiatteil compofitions pafs oft very

well (as Torick told my uncle 'Toby

one night) by fiege. — — My uncle "Toby
looked brifk at the found of the word
Jiege, but could make neither head or
tail of it.

Fm to preach at court next Sunday,

faid Homenas run over my notes — •■ —

fo I humm'd over do6lor Homenash notes

— the modulation's very well 'twili

do, Homenas, if it holds on at this rate

fo on I humm'd and a tolerable

tune I thought it was ; and to this hour,
may it pleafe your reverences, had never
found out how low, how flat, how fpi-
ritlefs and jejune it was, but that all of a
fudden, up ftarted an air in the middle
of it, fo fine, fo rich, fo heavenly, — it
carried my foul up with it into the other
world; now had I (as Montaigne com-
plained in a parallel accident) — had \



OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 2.63

found the declivity eafy, or the afcent
accefiible certes I had been out-
witted. Your notes, HomenaSj I

fliould have faid, are good notes ; •

but it was fo perpendicular a precipice

fo wholly cut off from the reft of

the work, that by the firft note I hunnm'd
I found myfelf flying into the other
world, and from thence dilcovered the
vale from whence I came, fo deep, fo low,
and difmal, that I Ihall never have the
heart to defcend into it again.

^ A dwarf who brings a ftandard
along with him to meafure his own fize
— take my word, is a dwarf in more ar-
ticles than one. — And fo much for tear-
ing out of chapters.



s



C H A P. LXI.

E E if he is not cutting it into
(lips, and giving them about
him to light their pipes! 'Tis abomi-
nable, anfwcred Didiiis ; it fhould not go

unnoticed, faid dodlor Kyjarcius

t^ he was of the Kyjarcn of the Low
Countries.



264 THE LIFE AN-D OPINIONS

Methinks, faid Didius, half rifing from
his chair, in order to remove a bottle
and a tall decanter, which flood in a di-

re6t line betwixt him and Torick

you might have fpared this farcaftic
ilroke, and have hit upon a more pro-
per place, Mr. Torick— or at leaft upon
a more proper occafion to have fl:iewn
your contempt of what we have been
about : If the fermon is of no better

worth than to light pipes with 'twas

certainly. Sir, not good enough to be
preached before fo learned a body ; and
if 'twas good enough to be preached be-
fore fo learned a body 'twas certainly.

Sir, too good to light their pipes with af-
terwards.

I have got him fall hung up,

quoth Didius to himfelf, upon one of the

two horns of my dilemma let him get

off as he can.

I have undergone fuch unfpeakable
torments, in bringing forth this fermon,

quoth T'oricky upon this occafion

that I declare, DidiuSy I would fuffer
martyrdom — and if it was poffible my



OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 265

horfe with me, a thoufand times over,
before I would fit down and make fuch.
another : I was delivered of it at the