* kin to her child.

And what faid the duchefs o^ Suffolk to
it ? laid my uncle 'Toby.

The unexpe6lednefs of my uncle To-
by's queftion, confounded Kyfarcius more

than the ableft advocate He flopp'd

a full minute, looking in my uncle Toby's

face without replying and in that

fingle minute Tripe lemus put by him,
and took the lead as follows.

'Tis a ground and principle in the
law, faid TriptolemuS:, that things do not
afcend, but defcend in it ; and I make
no doubt 'tis for this cauTe, that how-
ever true it is, that the child may be of

* Mater non numeiatur inter confanguineor, Bald, in
ult. C. de Verb, figniiic.

T J



aoO THE LIFE AND OPINIONS

the blood and feed of its parents —
that the parents, neverthelefs, are not
of the blood and feed of it ; inafmuch as
the parents are not begot by the child,
but the child by the parents — For fo
they write, Libert Junt de Janguine patris
6? mairis, Jed pater ^ mater non Junt de
Janguine liherorum.

But this, TCriptolemus, cried Didi-

Us, proves too much — for from this au-
thority cited it would follow, not only
what indeed is granted on all fides, that
the mother is not of kin to her child —

but the father likewife. It is held,

faid T'riptolem.usy the better opinion ; be-
caufe the father, the mother, and the
child, though they be three perfons, yet
are they but (una caro ^) oae flelh j and

confequently no degree of kindred

or any method of acquiring one in na-
ture. There you puili the argument

again too far, cried Didius for there

is no prohibition in nature, though there
is in the Levitical law but that a

* Vide Brook Abridg. tit. Adminiftr. N. 47.



OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 1^1

man may beget a child upon his grand-
mother in which cafe, fuppofing the

iflfue a daughtei", ilie would ftand in re-
lation both of But who ever thought,

cried Ky/arcius, of laying with his grand-
mother ? The young gentleman,

replied 2~orkk, whom Selderi fpeaks of

. who not only thought of it, but juf-

tifted his intention to his father by the
argument drawn from the law of retalia-
tion. — " You laid, Sir, with my mo-
*' ther," faid the lad — ** why may not I

" lay with yours r" 'Tis the yfr-

gumentum commune j added Torick.

'Tis as good, replied Eugenius, taking
down his hat, as they deferve.
The company broke up.

CHAP. LXV.

— yt N D pray, faid my uncle Tohy,

Mm, leaning upon Tc/'icky as he and

my father were helping him leifurely

down the ftairs don't be terrified,

madam, diis ftair-cafe converfadon is

T 4



292 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS

not fo long as the laft And pray,

Toricky faid my uncle Toby^ which way
is this faid affair of T^riftram at length
fettled by thefe learned nrien ? Very fa-
tisfa(5lorily, replied Torick -, no mortal.

Sir, has any concern with it for Mrs,

Shandy the mother is nothing at all a-kin

to him -^ and as t;he mother's is the

fijrefc fide Mr. S bandy j in courfe is

ftill lefs than nothing In fhort, he

is not as m.iich a-kin to him. Sir, as

I am,

That may well be, faid my



father, IhaV.ing his head.

Let the learned fay what they

will, there mull . certainly, quoth my un-
cle Toly, have been fome fort of confan-
guinity betwixt the duchefs of Suffolk
and her fon.

The vulgar are of the fame opinion^
quoth Torick, to this hour.



OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 1^2



CHAP. LXVI.

TH O U G H my father was hugely-
tickled with the fubtleties of thefe-

learned difconrfes ■■ — 'twas flill but

like the anointing of a broken bone

. The moment he got home,

the weight of his affliftions returned
upon him but fo much the heavier, as
is ever the cafe when the flafF we lean
on flips from under us. — He became
penfive — walked frequently forth to the
fifh-pond— let down one loop of his hat

figh'd often forbore to fnap-^

and, as the hafty fparks of temper, which
occafion fnapping, fo much allift perfpi-
ration and digeftion, as Hiypccrates tells
us — he had certainly fallen ill with the
extinftion of them, had not his thoughts
been critically drawn off, and his health
refcued by a frefli train of difquietudes
left him, with a legacy of a thoufand
poundsj by my aunt Dinah.



^94 'f'"^ ^^^^ AND OPINIONS

My father had fcarce read the letter,
-when taking the thing by the right end,
he inftantly began to plague and puzzle
his head how to lay it out moftly to the
honour of his family. — A hundred-and-
fifty odd projefts took poiTeffion of his
brains by turns — he would do this, and
that, and t'other ' — He would go to

Rome he would go to lav/ he

would buy (lock he would buy John

Hohjon^ farm — he would new fore-front
his houfe, and add a new wing to make

it even There was a fine water-mill

on this fide, and he would build a wind-
mill on the other fide of the river in full
view to anfwer it — But above all things
in the world, he would inclofe the great
Ox-moor J and fend out my brother Bobby
immediately upon his travels.

But as the fum was finite, and confe-

quently could not do every thing

and in truth very few of thefe to any
purpofe — of all the projefhs which offer-
ed themfelves upon this occafion, the
two lall feemed to make the deepeft im-



OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 195

preffion ; and he would infillibly have
determined upon both at once, but for
the fmall inconvenience hinted at above,
which abfokitely put him under a ne-
cefiity of deciding in favour either of the
one or the other.

This was not altogether fo eafy to be
done; for though 'tis certain my father
had long before fet his heart upon this
neceffary part of my brother's education,
and like a prudent man had aflualiy de-
termined to carry it into execution, with
the firft money that returned from the
fecond creation of adions in the Miffifip^
^z-fcheme, in which he was an adventu-
rer yet the Ox-moor ^ which was a fine,

large, whinny, undrained, unimproved
common, belonging to the Shandy -t^2Ltc,
had almoft as old a claim upon him :
he had long and affedionately fet his
heart upon turning it lil'iewife to fome
account.

But having never hitherto been pref-
fed with fuch a conjuncShure of things, as
made it neceffary to fettle either the pri-



^g6 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS

ority or juftice of their claims like a

wife man he had refrained entering into
any nice or critical examination about
them : fo that upon the difmifiion of

every other projeft at this crifis

the two old projefls, the Ox-moor and
my Brother, divided him again j and
fo equal a match were they for each
other, as to become the occafion of no
fmall contefl in the old gentleman's
mind — which of the two fliould be kt
©'going firil.

People may laugh as they wdll—



but the cafe was this.

It had ever been the cuflom of the
fem.Ily, and by length of time was al-
mofl become a matter of common right,
that the eldeft fon of it fliould have free
ingrefs, egrefs, and regrefs into foreign
parts before marriage — not only for the
fake of bettering his own private parts,
by the benefit of exercife and change of
fb much air — but fimply for the mere
delectation of his fancy, by the feather
put into his cap, of having been abroad



OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. . 297

f—tantum valet j my father would fay, quaji-
tumjonat.

Now as this was a reafonable, and in

courfe a mofb chriftian indulgence «

to deprive him of it, without why or
wherefore and thereby make an ex-
ample of him, as the firft Shandy un-
whirl'd about Europe m a poft-chaife,

and only becaufe he was a heavy lad

would be ufing him ten times worfe than
a Turk.

On the other hand, the cafe of the Ox-
moor was full as hard.

Exclufive of the original purchafe-mo-
ney, which was eight hundred pounds
it had coft the family eight hun-
dred pounds more in a law-fuit about
fifteen years before — befidcs the Lord
knows what trouble and vexation.

It had been moreover in pofiefTion of
the Shandy-id.mi\y ever fince the middle
of the laft century j and though it lay
full in view before the houfe, bounded
on one extremity by the water- mill, and
on the other by t!ie proje-fled wind-miU



29S THE LIFE AND OPINIONS

fpoken of above — and for all thefe reafons
fremed to have the faireft title of any
part of the eftate to the care and protec-
tion of the family — yet by an unaccount-
able fatality, common to men, as well as

the ground they tread on it had all

along moft iTiam.efully been overiook'd ;
and to fpeak the truth of it, had fuffered
fo much by it, that it would have made
any man's heart have bled (Ohadiah faid)
who underftood the value of the land, to
have rode over it, and only feen the con-
dition it was in.

However, as neither the purchafing

this tra6t of ground nor indeed the

placing of it where it lay, were either of
them, properly fpeaking, of my father's

doinor he had never thousrht himfelf

any way concerned in the affair >

till the fifteen years before, when the
breaking out of that curfed law-fuit
mentioned above (and which had arofe

about its boundaries) which being

altogether my fatlier's own a6l and deed,
it naturally awakened every odier argu-



©F TRISTRAM SHANDY. 299

ment in its favour, and upon fumming
them all up together, he faw, not merely
in intereft, but in honour, he was bound

to dofomething for it and that now

or never was the time.

I think there muft certainly have been
a mixture of ill-luck in it, that the rea-
fons on both fides fhould happen to be
fo equally balanced by each other; for
though my father weigh'd them in alj^
humours and conditions — fpent ma-
ny an anxious hour in the moft profound,
and abftrafted meditation upon what
was belt to be done — readinji; books of

farming one day books of travels

another laying afide all paflion v»'hat-

cver — viewing the arguments on both
fides in all their lio;hts and circumftances
— communing every day with my uncle
iToI^y — arguing with Toricky and talking
over the whole affair of the Ox-moor with

Obadiah yet nothing in all that

time appeared fo ilrongly in behalf of the
one, which was not either flri(5lly appli-
cable to the other, or at lead: fo far



300 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS

counterbalanced by fome confideratioft
of equal weight, as to keep the fcales
even.

For to be fure, with proper helps, and
in the hands of fome people, tho' the
Ox-moor would undoubtedly have made
a different appearance in the world from
what it did, or ever could do in the

condition it lay yet every tittle of

tliis was true, with regard to my bro*

ther Bchhy let Ohadiah fay what he

would.

In point of intereft the conteft, I

own, at firft fight, did not appear fo un-
decilive betwixt them ; for whenever my
father took pen' and ink in hand, and fet
about calculating the fimple expence of
paring and burning, and fencing in the
Ox-moor y &c. &c. — with the certain pro-
fit it would bring him in return the

latter turned out fo prodigioufly in his
way of working the account, that you
would have fworn the Ox-moor would
have carried all before it. For it was
plain he faould reap a hundred lafts of



OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. JOJ

rape, at twenty pounds a laft, the very

firft year befides an excellent crop of

wh«at the year following -and the

year after that, to fpeak within bounds,

a hundred -but in all likelihood, a

hundred and fifty if not two hun-
dred quarters of peafe and beans be-
fides potatoes without end. But then,

to think he was all this while breeding
up my brother, like a hog to eat them

• knocked all on the head again, and

generally left the old gentleman in fuch
a ftate of fufpence that, as he of-
ten declared to my uncle Tol^y he

knew no more than his heels what to
do.

No body, but he who has felt it, can
conceive what a plaguing thing it is to
have a man's mind torn afunder by two
proje6ls of equal flrength, both obfti-
nately pulling in a contrary diredion at
the fame time : for to fay nothing of the
havock, which by a certain confequencc
is unavoidably made by it all over the
finer fyftem of the nerves, which you

VOL. ir. u



^0!2 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS

know convey the anlnnal fpirits and more
fubtle juices from the heart to the head,

and fo on it is not to be told in what

a degree fuch a wayward kind of fric-
tion works upon the more grofs and folid
parts, wailing the fat and impairing the
ftrength of a man every time as it goes
backwards and forwards.

My father had certainly funk under
this evil, as certainly as he had done

under that of my christian name

had he not been refcued out of it, as he

was out of that, by a frefh evil

the misfortune of my brother Bohby\
death.

What is the life of man! Is it not to
fhift from fide to fide ? â–  from for-

row to forrow ? to button up one

caufe of vexation — -^ and unbutton

another ?



OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 303



CHAP. LXVII.

FROM this moment I am to be con-
fidered as heir- apparent to the Shan-
dy family and it is from this point

properly, that the flory of my Life and
my Opinions fets out. With all my
huriy and precipitation, I have but been
clearing the ground to raife the building

and ilich a building do I forefee it

will turn out, as never was planned, and
as never was executed fince Adam. In
lefs than five minutes I fhall have thrown
my pen into the fire, and the little drop
of thick ink which is left remaining at
the bottom of my ink-horrjj after it — I
have but half a fcore things to do in the

time 1 have a thing to name a

thing to lament a thing to hope

a thing to promife, and a thing to
threaten — I have a thing to fuppofe — a
thing to declare a thing to con-
ceal a thing to choofe, and 9.

u 2



304 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS

thing to pray for This chapter,

therefore, I name the chapter of Things

and my next chapter to it, that

is, the firft chapter of my next volume,
if I Hve, fhall be my chapter upon whis-
kers, in order to keep up fome fort of
connexion in my works.

The thing I lament is, that things
have crowded in fo thick upon me, that
I have not been able to get into that
part of my work, towards which I have
all the way looked forwards, with fo
much earneft defirc j and that is the
Campaigns, but efpecially the amours of
my uncle 'Tobjj the events of which are
of fo fingular a nature, and fo Cervan-
tick a call, that if I can fo manage it, as
to convey but the fame imprefllons to
every other brain, which the occurrences
themfelves excite in my own — I will an-
fwer for it the book fliall make its way
in the world, much better than its mal-

ter has done before it. Oh 'Trijiram !

Trlftram ! can this but be once brought
jibout' the credit, which will attend



OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 305

thee as an author, fhall counterbalance
the many evils which have befallen thee

as a man thou wilt feaft upon the

one when thou haft loft all fenfe and

remembrance of the other !

No wonder 1 itch fo much as I do, to
get at thefc amours — They are the
choiceft morfel of my whole ftory ! and

when I do get at 'em affure your-

felves, good folks — (nor do I value whofe
fqueaQiilh ftomach takes offence at it) I
Ihall not be at all nice in the choice of

my words ! and that's the thing I

have to declare. I fhall never get

all through in five minutes, that I fear

and the thing I hope is, that your

worfliips and reverences are not offended
— if you are, depend upon't I'll give you
fomething, my good gentry, next year

to be offended at that's my dear

Jenny's way — but who my Jenny is -7-
and which is the right and which the
wrong end of a woman, i^ the thing to
be concealed — it flull be told you in the
next chapter but one to my chapter of



306 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS

Button-holes and not one chapter

before.

And now that you have jufl; got to

the end of thefe * three volumes the

thing I have to ajk is, how you feel your

heads ? my own akes difmally ! as

for your healths, I know, they are much
better. — True Shandeijm^ think what you
will againft it, opens the heart and lungs,
and like all thofe affedions which par-
take of its nature, it forces the blood
and other vital fluids of the body to run
freely through its channels, makes the
wheel of life run long and chearfully
round.

Was I \t{t, like Sancho Panca^ to
choofe my kingdom, it fhould not be
maritime — or a kingdom of blacks to
make a penny of ^ — no, it fliould be a
kingdom of hearty laughing fubjefts :
And as the bilious and more faturnine
paflions, by creating diforders in the
blood and humours, have as bad an in-
fluence, I fee, upon the body poUtick

* According to the preceding Editions.



OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 307

as body natural and as nothing but

a habit of virtue can fully govern thofe
paffions, and fubjeft them to reafon

1 fliould add to my prayer — that

God would give my fubjedls grace to be
as WISE as they were merry ; and then
fhbuld I be the happieft monarch, and.
they the happieft people under heaven.

And fo, with this moral for the pre-
fent, may it pleafe your worlhips and
your reverences, I take my leave of you
till this time twelve-month, when, (un-
lefs this vile cough kills me in the mean
time) I'll have another pluck at your
beards, and lay open a ftory to the world
you little dream of.



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