for if you hold your hand over your eyes,
and look very attentively, you may per-
ceive fome fmall glimmerings (as it were)
of wit, v/ith a comfortable provifion of
good plain houfiold judgment, which,
taking the quality and quantity of it to-
gether, they make a very good fhift
with ^and had they more of either
the one or the other, it would dcftroy
the proper balance betwixt them, and I
am fatisfied moreover they would want
occafions to put them to ufe.
Now, Sir, if I condud you home again
into this warmer and more luxuriant
ifland, where you perceive the fpring-
tide of our blood and humours runs
E 3
54 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS
high where we have more ambi-
tion, and pride, and envy, and lechery,
and other whorefon paflions upon our
hands to govern and fubjeft to reafon
the height of our wit, and the
depth of our judgment, you fee, are ex-
aftly proportioned to the length and
breadth of our necelTities and ac-
cordingly we have them fent down a-
mongH us in fuch a flowing kind of de-
cent and creditable plenty, that no one
thinks he has any caufe to complain.
It mull however be confeffed on this
head, that, as our air blows hot and
cold — wet and dry, ten times in a day,,
we have them in no regular and fettled
way i — fo that fometimes for near half
a century together, there Ihall be very
little wit or judgment either to be ittn.
or heard of amongft us : -the fmall
channels of them Ihall feem quite dried
up then all of a fudden the fluices
fhall break out, and take a fit of run-
ning again like fury you would think
they would never flop : and then it
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 55
is, that in writing, and fighting, and
twenty other gallant things, we drive all
the world before us.
It is by thefe obfervations, and a wary
reafoning by analogy in that kind of ar-
gumentative procefs, which Suidas calls
diale^ick indu5fion that I draw and
fet up this pofition as moft true and ve-
ritable i
That of thefe two luminaries fo much
of their irradiations are fufFered from time
to time to fhine down upon us, as he,
whofe infinite wifdom which difpenfes
every thing in exa6l weight and meafure,
knows will juft ferve to light us on our
way in this night of our obfcurity; fo
that your reverences and worfhips now
find out, nor is ic a moment longer in
my power to conceal it from you, That
the fervent wifli in your behalf with which
I fet out, was no more than the firft in-
finuating How d'ye of a careffing pre-
facer, ftifling his reader, as a lover f jme-
times does a coy miftrcfs, into filence.
For alas ! could this effufion of light
have been as eafily procured, as the ex-
B 4
56 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS
ordiiim wifhed it — I tremble to think
how many thoufands for it, of benighted
travellers (in the learned fciences at leaft)
muft have groped and blundered on in
the dark, all the nights of their lives
â– running their heads againft pofts,
and knocking out their brains without
ever getting to their journies end ; :
fome falHng with their nofes perpendicu-
larly into finks others horizontally
with their tails into kennels. Here one
half of a learned profeflion tilting full
but againft the other half of it, and then
tumbling and rolling one over the other
in the dirt like hogs. — Here the brethren
of another profeflion, who Ihould have
run in oppofition to each other, flying
on the contrary like a flock of wild geefe,
all in a row the fame way.— What con-
fufion !— what miftakes ! fiddlers and
painters judging by their eyes and ears
— admirable! — trufting to the paflions
excited — in an air fung, or a ftory paint-
ed to the heart inftead of mieafuring
them by a quadrant.
In the fore-ground of this pifture, a
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY, 57
fiatejman turning the political wheel, like
a brute, the wrong way round aga'inft
the ftreann of corruption — by Heaven 1
inflead oiwith it.
In this corner, a fon of the divine
EJculapiuSy writing a book againft pre-
deftination; perhaps worfe— fechng his
patient's pulfe, inftead of his apotheca-
ry's a brother of the Faculty in the
back-ground upon his knees in tears—
drawing the curtains of a mangled vic-
tim to beg his forgivenefs; — offering a
fee — inftead of taking one.
In that Ipacious hall, a coalition of
the gown, from all the bars of it, driving
a damn'd, dirty, vexatious cauf; before
them, with all their might and main,
the wrong way ! kicking it out of the
great doors, inftead of, in and with
fuch fury in their looks, and fuch a de-
gree of inveteracy in their manner of
kicking it, as if the laws had been ori-
ginally made for the peace and preferva-
tion of mankind : perhaps a more
enormous mif:uke committed by them
ftill a litigated point fairly hung
5? THE LIFE AND OPIxVIONS
up; — for inflance, Whether John
oNokes his nofe tould Hand in 'J^om o Stiles
his face, without a trefpafs, or not —
rafhly determined by them in five-and-
twenty minutes, which, with the cau-
tious pros and cons required in fo intri-
cate a proceeding, might have taken up
as many months and if carried on
upon a miUtary plan, as your honours
know an action fhould be, with all the
ftratagems pradicable therein,
fuch as feints, - forced marches,
furprizes ambulcades mafk- bat-
teries, and a thoufand other ftrokes of
generaifhip, which confift in catching at
all advantages on both fides might
reafonably have iafted them as many
years, finding food and raiment all that
term for a centumvirate of the pro-
feiTion.
As for the Clergy No if I
fay a word againft them, I'll be fnot.
1 have no defirej — and befides, if
I had — I durft not for my foul touch
"upon the fubjedl with fuch weak
nerves and fpirits, and in the condition
OF TRISTP.AM SHANDY.
S9
I am in at prefent, 'twould be as much
as my life was worth, to dejedl and con-
trift myfelf with fo bad and melancholy
an account — and therefore 'tis fafer to
draw a curtain acrofs, and haften from
it, as faft as I can, to the main and prin-
cipal point I have undertaken to clear
up and that is. How it comes to
pafs, that your men of leaft ivit are re-
ported to be men of moft judgment.
But mark — I fay, reported to be — for it is
no m.ore, my dear Sirs, than a report,
and which, like twenty others taken up
every day upon truft, I maintain to be a
vile and a malicious report into the bar-
gain.
This by the help of the cbfervation
already premifed, and I hope ahxady
weighed and perpended by your reve-
rences and worll:iips, I iliall foithv/iili
make appear.
I hate fet diflertations and above
all things in the v/orld, 'tis one cf the
fillieft things in one of them, to darken
your hypothefis by placing a number of
tall, opake words, one before another.
cc
cc
(C
60 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS
in a right line, betwixt your own and
your reader's conception— when in all
likelihood, if you had looked about,
you might have feen fomething Handing,
or hanging up, which would have cleared
the point at once — " for what hindrance,
" hurt, or harm doth the laudable de-
" fire of knowledge bring to any man,
if even from a fot, a pot, a fool, a
ftool, a winter-mittain, a truckle for
a pully, the Hd of a goldfmith's cru-
" cible, an oil bottle, an old flipper, or
" a cane chair ?" — I am this moment
fitting upon one. Will you give me
leave to illuftrate this affair of wit and
judgment, by the two knobs on the top
of the back of it P-^thejr are fattened on,
you fee," with two pegs fluck flightly into
two gimlet-holes, and v/ill place what 1
have to fay in fo clear a light, as to let
you fee through the drift and meaning of
my whole preface, as plainly as if every
point and particle of it was made up of
fun-beams.
I enter now dire6tly upon the point.
— Here ftands wit — and there Hands
OF TRISTRAM SHANDV. 6i
judgment, clofe befide it, jiift like the
two knobs I'm fpeaking of, upon the
back of this felf-fame chair on which^ I
am fitting.
— You fee, they are the higheft and
mod ornamental parts of its frame — as
wit and judgment are of ours — and like
them too, indubitably both made and
fitted to go together, in order, as we
fay in all fuch cafes of duplicated embel-
lifhments to anfiver one another.
Now for the fake of an experiment,
and for the clearer illudrating this mat-
ter — let us for a moment take off one of
thefe two curious ornaments (I care not
which) from the point or pinnacle of
the chair it now flands on — nay, don't
laugh at it, — but did you ever fee, in the
whole CGurfe of your lives, fjch a ridi-
culous bufmefs as this has made of it ?
— Why, 'tis as miferable a fight as a
fow with one earj and there is juft as
much fenfe and fymmetry in the one as
in the other: do pi^ay* get off-
ycur feats only to take a view of it.
Now would any man who valued his cha-
$2 THE LIFE AN'D OPINIONS
rafter a ftraw, have turned a piece of
work out of his hand in fuch a condi-
tion ? nay, lay your hands upon your
hearts, and anfv/er this plain queftion.
Whether this one fingle knob, which
now Hands here like a blockhead by it-
felf, can ferve any purpole upon earth,
but to put one in mind of the want of
the other ? — and let me farther alk, in
cafe the chair was your own, if you
would not in your confciences think,
rather than be as it is, that it would
be ten times better without any knob
at all ?
Now thele two knobs or top
ornaments of the mind of man, which
crown the whole entablature -being,
as I faid, wit and judgment, which of all
others, as I have proved it, are the moll
needful the moft priz'd — the moll
calamitous to be without, and confe-
quently the hardeft to come at — for all
thefe reafons put together, there is not a
mortal among us, fo deftitute of a love
of good fame or feeding or fo igno-
rant of what will do him good therein —
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY, Cj
who does not wifli and ftedfaftly refolve
in his own mind, to be, or to be thought
at Icaft, m after of the one or the other,
and indeed of both of them, if the thing
feems any way feafible, or likely to be
brought to pafs.
Now your graver gentry having little
or no kind of chance in aiming at the
one — unlefs they laid hold of the other,
pray what do you think would be-
come of them ? Why, Sirs, in fpite
of all their gravities, they muft e'en have
been contented to have gone with their
infides naked « this was not to be
borne, but by an effort of philofophy
not to be fuppofed in the cafe we are
upon fo that no one could well have
been angry with them, had they been fa-
tisfied with what little they could have
{hatched up and fecreted under their
cloaks and great perriwigs, had they not
raifed a hue and cry at the fame time
againft the lawful owners.
I need not tell your worfliips, that
this was done with fo much cunning and
artifice- â– that the great Lccke, who
64 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS
was feldom outwitted by falfe founds
was neverthelefs bubbled here*
The cry, itfeems, was fo deep and folemn
a one, and what with the help of great
wigs, grave faces, and other implements
of deceit, was rendered fo general a one
againfl: the poor wits in this matter, that
the philofopher himfelf was deceived by
it — it was his glory to free the world
from the lumber of a thoufand vulgar
errors j but this was not of the num^
ber ; fo that inflead of fitting down cooly,
as fuch a philofopher fhould have done,
to have examined the matter of fa6l be-
fore he philofophifed upon it on the
contrary he took the fad for granted,
and fo joined in with the cry, and hal-
loo'd it as boifteroufly as the refl.
This has been made the Magna Chart a
offtupidity ever fince but your re-
verences plainly fee, it has been obtained
in fuch a manner, that the title to it is
not worth a groat : which by-the-bye
is one of the many and vile impofitions
which gravity and grave folks have to
anfwer for hereafter.
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 65
As for great wigs, upon which I may
be thought to have fpoken my mind too
freely 1 beg leave to qualify what-
ever has been unguardedly faid to their
difpraife or prejudice, by one general de-
claration That I have no abhorrence
whatever, nor do I deteft and abjure ei-
ther great wigs or long beards, any far-
ther than when I fee they are befpoke
and let grow on purpofe to carry on this
felf-fame impofture — for any purpofe
peace be with them 1— j^- mark only
1 write not for them.
CHAP. XIV.
EVERY day for at lead ten years to-
gether did my father refolve to have
it mended — 'tis not mended yet i — no
family but ours would have borne with
it an hour and what is moft ailonifh-
ing, there was not a fubje(fl in the world
upon which my father was fo eloquent,
as upon that of door- hinges. And
yet at the fame time, he was certainly
one of the greateft bubbles to them, I
VOL. II. F
66 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS
think, that hiftory caa produce : his rhe-
torick and condu6l were at perpetual
handy-cufFs. — Never did the parlour-
door open — but his philofophy or his
principles fell a vi6lim to it ; three
drops of oil with a feather, and a fmart
ftroke of a hanamer, had faved his ho-
nour for ever.
Inconfiftent foul that man is!
languiiliing under wounds, which
he has the power to heal 1 — his whole
life a contradi6lion to his knowledge !—
his reafon, that precious gift of God to
him — (inftead of pouring in oil) ferving
but to Iharpen his fenfibilities — to mul-
tiply his pains, and render him more me-
lancholy and uneafy under them ! — Poor
unhappy creature, that he fhould do fo !
Are not the neceflary caufes of mi-
fery in this life enow, but he muft add
voluntary ones to his flock of forrow;
— ftruggle againft evils which cannot be
avoided, and fubmit to others, which
a tenth part of the trouble they create
him would remove from his heart for
ever ?
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 6'/
By all that is good and virtuous, if
there are three drops of oil to be got,
and a hammer to be found within ten
miles of Shandy Hall -the parlour
door hinge fhall be mended this reign.
CHAP. XV.
WHEN Corporal Tr/;;? had brought
his two mortars to bear, he was
delighted with his handy-work above
meafure ; and knowing what a pleafure
it would be to his mafter to fee them,
he was not able to refill: the defire he
had of carrying them directly into his
parlour.
Now next to the moral leflbn I had in
view in mentioning the ^^2dr o^ hinges y I
had a fpeculative confideration arifing out
of it, and it is this.
Had the parlour door opened and
turn'd upon its hinges, as a door fhould
do—
Or for example, as cleverly as our
government has been turning upon its
hinges (that is, in cafe things have
68 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS
all along gone well with your worlKIp,—
otherwife I give up my finnile) — in this
cafe, I fay, there had been no danger
either to mafter or man, in Corporal
Trim's peeping in : the moment he had
beheld my father and my uncle Tol'y faft
afleep — the refpedfulnefs of his carriage
was fuch, he would have retired as filent
as death, and left them both in their arm-
chairs, dreaming as happy as he had found
them : but the thing was, morally fpeak-
ing, fo very impradicable, that for th^
many years in which this hinge was fuf-
fered to be out of order, and amongft
the hourly grievances my father fubmit-
ted to upon its account — this was one ;
that he never folded his arms to take his
nap after dinner, but the thoughts of be-
ing unavoidably awakened by the firft
perfon who fiiould open the door, was
always uppermoft in his imagination^
and fo inceflantly llepp'd in betwixt him
and the firft balmy prefage of his repofe,
as to rob him, as he often declared, of
the whole fweets of it.
*f ^Vben things move upn had hinges.
li
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 69
an' pleafe your lordlliips, bow can it be
otherwije?"
Pray what's the matter ? Who is there ?
cried my father, waking, the moment
the door began to creak. 1 wifh the
fmith would give a peep at that con-
founded hinge. 'Tis nothing, an'
pleafe your honour, faid Trimy but two
mortars I am bringing in. — They fhan't
make a clatter with them here, cried my
father haftily. — If Dr. Slop has any drugs
tojpound, let him do it in the kitchen.-^
May it pleafe your honour, cried Trzw,
they are two mortar-pieces for a fiege
next fummer, which I have been making
out of a pair of jack- boots, which Oba-
diah told me your honour had left off
wearing. — By Heaven ! cried my father,
Ipringing out of his chair, as he fwore
1 have not one appointment belong-
ing to me, which I fet fo much ftore by
as I do by thefe jack-boots they
were our great grandfather's, brother Tb-
Iry — they were hereditary. Then I fear,
quoth my uncle 'Toby, 'Trim has cut off
the entail. — I have only cut off the tops,
r 3
70 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS
an' pleafe your honour, cried 'Trim â– *
I \\2iX.t perpetuities as much as any man
alivcj cried my father-^- — -but thefe jack-
boots, continued he (fmiling, though
very angry at the fame time) have been
in the family, brother, ever fince the ci-
vil wars; Sir Roger Shandy wore
them at the battle of Marfion-Moor, — I
declare I would not have taken ten
pounds for them. I'll pay you the
money, brother Shandy y quoth my uncle
Tohy^ looking at the two mortars with
infinite pleafure, and putting his hand
into his breeches pocket as he viewed
them^ I'll pay you the ten pounds this
moment with all my heart and foul.
Brother To^y, replied my father, alter-
ing his tone, you care not what money
you diffipate and throw away, provided,
continued he, 'tis but upon a siege.
Have I not one hundred and twenty
pounds a year,befides my half pay? cried
my uncle T^ohy. — What is that— replied
my father haftily— to ten pounds for a
pair of jack-boots?— twelve guineas for
your fontoons .?— half as mijch for your
Vol n â– :,,.
iy'Us/ud^.-:Ai-.lccJtmtc.JaiCi*i2C>i>.h' h'.S6xiAtm.'l'u'hhH..UKHi'lc\.S^'-'.^f'i"\n\:
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 7 1
T>utch draw-bridge ? — to fay nothing of
the train of little brafs artillery you be-
fpoke lall week, with twenty other pre-
parations for the fiege of Mejfina: be-
lieve me, dear brother T^ohy^ continued
my father, taking him kindly by the
hand — thefe military operations of yours
are above your ftrength ; — you mean
well, brother but they carry you in-
to greater expences than you were firft
aware of; — and take my word, dear Tb-
byi they will in the end quite ruin your
fortune, and make a beggar of you. —
"What fignifies it if they do, brother, re-
plied my uncle Tohy^ fo long as we know
'tis for the good of the nation ?
My father could not help faiiling for
his foul— his anger at the worft was ne-
ver more than a fparkj — and the zeal
and fnnplicity of Trim — and the generous
(though hobby-horficjl) gallantry of
my uncle Tohy^ brouglit him into per-
fedl good humour with them in an in-
ftant.
Generous fouls ! — God profper you
F 4
72 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS
both, and your mortar-pieces too ! quoth
my father to himfclf.
CHAP. XVI.
ALL is quiet and hufh, cried my fa-
ther, at leaft above flairs — I hear
not one foot flirring. — Prithee, 'Trim,
who's in the kitchen ? There is no one
foul in the kitchen, anfwered Trimj mak-
ing a low bow as he fpoke, except Dr.
Slop. — Confufion ! cried my father (get-
ting up upon his legs a fecond time) — not
one fingle thing was gone right this day !
had I faith in aftrology, brother, (which,
by the bye, my father had) I would have
fworn fome retrograde planet was hang-
ing over this unfortunate houfe of mine,
and turning every individual thing in it
out of its place. Why, I thought
Dr. Slop had been above flairs with my
wife, and fo faid you. What can the
fellow be puzzling about in the kitchen !
' — He is bufy, an' pleafe your honour,
replied Trimj in making a bridge.
'Tis very obliging in him, quoth my
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 7J
uncle Toby :• pray, give my hum-
ble fervice to Dr. Slopy 'Trimj and tell him
I thank him heartily.
You muft know, my uncle Toby mil^
took the bridge — as v/idely as my father
miftook the mortars ; but to under-
ftand how my uncle Toby could miflake
the bridge — I fear I muft give you an
exafb account of the road which led to
it; — or to drop my metaphor (for there
is nothing more dilTioneft in an hiftorian
than the ufe of one) in order to con-
ceive the probability of this error in my
uncle Toby aright, I muft give you fomc
account of an adventure of TW;?/'s, though
much againft my will, I fay much againft
my will, only becaufe the ftory, in one
fenfe, is certainly out of its place here;
for by right it fhould come in, either
amongft the anecdotes of my uncle To-
by's amours with widow JVadjnan, in
which corporal Trim was no mean ac-
tor — or elfe in the middle of his and my
uncle Toby's campaigns on the bowling-
green — for it will do very well in either
place; — but then if I referve it for ei-
74 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS
ther of thofe parts of my ftoiy 1
ruin the flory I'm upon ; and if I teii
it here — I anticipate matters, and ruin it
there.
— What would your worfiiips have me
to do in this cafe ?
— Tell it, Mr. Shandy, by all means.—
You are a fool, 'Trijiram, if you do.
ye powers ! (for powers ye are, and
great ones too) — which enable mortal
man to tell a ilrory worth the hearing
that kindly lliew him, where he
is to begin it- — and where he is to end it
! what he is to put into it- ^and
what he is to leave out — how much of it
he is to call into a fhade— -and where-
abouts he is to throw his light ! — Ye,
who prefide over this vaft empire of
biographical freebooters, and fee how
many fcrapes and plunges your fubjefts
hourly fall into j will you do one
thing ?
1 beg and befeech you (in cafe you will
do nothing better for us) that wherever
in any part of your dominions it fo falls
out, that three feveral roads meet in one
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. J^
point, as tliey have done juft here >
that at lead you fet up a guide-poft in
the centre of them, in mere charity, to
dired an uncertain devil which of the
three he is to take,
CHAP. XVII,
THO' the fhock my uncle ^oby re-
ceived the year after the demoli-
tion of Dunkirk, in his affair with widow
Wadman, had fixed him in a refolution
never more to think of the fex — or of
aught which belonged to it;— yet cor-
poral 'Trim had made no fuch bargain
with himfelf. Indeed in my uncle Toby'^
cafe there was a ftrange and unaccounta-
ble concurrence of circumllances, which
infcnfibly drew him in, to lay fiege to
that fair and ftrong citadel. In Trim's
cafe there was a concurrence of nothing
in the world, but of him and Bridget in
the kitchen > - though in truth, the love
and veneration he bore his mailer was
fuch, and fg fond was he of imitating
7^ THE LIFE AND OPINIOXS
him in all he did, diat had my uncle
^oby employed his dme and genius in
tagging of points 1 am perfuaded
the honeft corporal would have laid down
his arms, and followed his example with
pleafure. When therefore my uncle To-
hy fat down before the miftrefs — corpo-
ral 'Urim incontinendy took ground be-
fore the maid.
Now, my dear friend Garricky whom I
have fo much caufe to efteem and ho-
nour — (why, or wherefore, 'tis no mat-
ter) — can it efcape your penetration — I
defy it— that fo many play-wrights, and
opificers of chit-chat have ever fince
been working upon 1'rms and my uncle
Ti?^_y's pattern. ^^I care not what Ari-
fiotky or PacuviuSj or BoJJ'Uy or Ricaboni
fay — (though I never read one of them)
there is not a greater difference be-
tween a fingle-horfe chair and madam
Pompadot{r''s vis-a-vis ; than betwixt a
fingle amour, and an amour thus nobly
doubled, and going upon all four, pranc-
ing throughout a grand drama Sir, a
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 77
fimple, fingle, filly affair of that kind-
is quite loft in five adsj — but that is
neither here nor there.
After a feries of attacks and repulfes
in a courfe of nine months on my uncle
Tobys quarter, a moft minute account of
every particular of which fhall be given
in its proper place, my uncle Toby, ho-
neft man ! found it neceffary to draw off
his forces and raife the fiege fomewhat
indio;nantlv.
Corporal Trim, as I faid, had made no
fuch bargain either with himfelf or
with any one elfe the fidelity how-
ever of his heart not fuffering him to go