—(now I'ribonius the civilian and church
lawyer's beard being three inches and a
half and three eighths longer than Di-
dius his beard — I'm glad he takes up the
cudgels for me, fo I give myfelf no far-a
OF TRISTRAM SHANDV. lOj
ther trouble about the anfwer.) — Brother
Didius, "Tribonius will fay, it is a decreed
cafe, as you may find it in the fragnnents
of Gregorius and Mermogines's codes, and
in all the codes from Jujiinian's down to
the codes of Louis and Des Eaux — That
the fweat of a man's brows, and the ex-
fudations of a man's brains, are as much
a man's own property as the breeches
upon his backfide ; — which faid exfuda-
tions, ^c, being dropp'd upon the faid
apple by the labour of finding it, and
picking it up ; and being moreover in-
diflblubly wafted, and as indillolubly an-
nex'd, by the picker up, to the thing
pick'd up, carried home, roafted, peel'd,
eaten, digefted, and fo on ; 'tis evi-
dent that the gatherer of the apple, in
fo doing, has mix'd up fomething which
was his own, with the apple which was
not his own, by which means he has ac-
quired a property ;— or, in other words,
the apple is Jchns apple.
By the fame learned chain of reafoning
my father ftood up for all his opinions ;
he had fpared no pains in picking them
II 4
104 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS
up, and the more they lay out of the
common way, the better ftill was his.
title. No mortal claimed them ; they
had coft him moreover as much labour
in cooking and digefting as in the cafe
above, fo that they might well and truly
be faid to be of his own goods and chattels.
— Accordingly he held faft by 'em, both
by teeth and daws — would fly to what-
ever he could lay his hands on — and, in
a word, would intrench and fortify them
round with as many circumvallations and
breaft-works, as my uncle '^ohy would a
citadel.
There was one plaguy nib in the way
of this the fcarcity of materials to
make any thing of a defence with, in cafe
of a fmart attack j inafmuch as few men
of great genius had exercifed their parts,
in writing books upon the fubjedt of
great nofes : by the trotting of my lean
horfe, the thing is incredible 1 and I am
quite loft in my vnderftanding, when 1
am confidering what a treafure of pre-
cious time and talents together has been
wafted upon worfe fubjads — and how
OF TRISTT^AM SHANDY. 10?
fnany millions of books in all lan^'ages,
and in all poflible types and bindings,
have been fabricated upon points not
half {o much tending to the unity and
peace-making of the world. What was
to be had, however, he fet the greater
^ore by; and though my father would
oft-times fport with my uncle 'Tcly's li-
brary wliich, by-:he-bye, was ridicu-
lous enough — yet at the very fame time
he did it, he collected every book and
treatife which had been fyftematically
wrote upon nofes, with as much care as
my honeft uncle Tc/py had done thofc
upon military architecture. 'Tis true,
a much lefs table wouid have lield them
— but that was not thy tranfgreruon, my
dear uncle.
Here but why here rather than
in any other part of my ftory 1 am
not able to tell : — : but here it is
my heart flops me to pay to thee,
my dear uncle Tc^j, once for all, the
tribute I owe thy goodnefs. Here
' let me thruft my chair afide, and kneel
down upon the ground, whilft I am pour-
106 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS
jng forth the warmeft fentuTient oflovc
for thee, and veneration for the excellen-
cy of thy charafter, that ever virtue and
nature kindled in a nephew's bofom.
â– Peace and comfort reft for ever-
more upon thy head ! — Thou enviedft
no man's comforts infultedft no
man's opinions Thou blackenedft no
man's character — devouredft no man's
bread: gently, with faithful I'rim be-
hind thee, didft thou amble round the
little circle of thy pleafures, joftling no
creature in thy way : — for each one's
forrows, thou hadft a tear, — for each man's
need, thou hadft a ftiilling.
"Whilft I am worth one, to pay a weed-
cr — thy path from thy door to thy bowl-
ing-green ftiall never be grown up.
Whilft there is a rood and a half of land
in the Shandy family, thy fortifications,
my dear uncle T^oby, fhall never be de-
molifti'd.
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY, 10/
CHAP. XXVIII.
MY father's colleftion was not great,
but to make amends, it was cu-
rious J and confequently he was fome
time in making it ; he had the great
good fortune however, to fet off well, in
getting Brufcambillis prologue upon long
nofes, almoft for nothing — for he gave
no more for Brufcamhille than three half-
crowns ; owing indeed to the ftrong fan-
cy which the ftall-man faw my father
had for the book the moment he laid
his hands upon it.- There are not
three Brufcambilles in Chriftendom — faid
the ftall-man, except what are chain'd
up in the libraries of the curious. My
father flung down the money as quick as
lightning— —^took Brufcambil'e into his
bofom hied home from Piccadilly to
Coktnan-^vttt with it, as he would have
hied home with a treafure, without tak-
ing his hand once off from Erujcambille
all the way.
To thofe who do not yet know of
6
lOS THE LIFE AND OPINIONS
which gender Brufcambille is inaf.
much as a prologue upon long nofes
might eafily be done by either
'twill be no objedlion againft the limile —
to fay. That when my father got home,
he folaced himfelf with Brufcambille after
the manner in which, 'tis ten to one,
your worfhip folaced yourfelf with your
firft miftrefs that is, from morning
even unto night: which, by-the-bye,
how delightful foever it miay prove to
the inamorato — is of little or no enter-
tainment at all to by-ltanders. Take
notice, I go no farther with the fimile—
my father's eye was greater than his ap-
petite — his zeal greater than his know-
ledge — he cool'd — his affedlions became
divided ^he got hold of Prignitz — -
purchafed Scroderus, Andrea Parous, Bou-
cbei^s Evening Conferences, and above
all, the great and learned Hafen Slam~
kenbergiiis ; of which, as I fhall have
much to fay by-and-by — I will fay n»-
;hing now.
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. lO^
CHAP. XXIX.
OF all the trafts my father was at the
pains to procure and fludy in fup-
port of his hypothefiSj there was not any
one wherein he felt a more cruel difap-
pointment at firft, than in the celebrated
dialogue between Pamphagus and Cocles^
written by the chafte pen of the great
and venerable Erajmus, upon the various
ufes and feafonable applications of long
nofes. Now don't let Satan, my
dear girl, in this chapter, take advantage
of any one fpot of rifing ground to get
aftride of your imagination, if you can
any ways help it ; or if he is fo nimble
as to (lip on — let me beg of you, like an
unback'd filly, to frijk it, to fquirt it, to
jump it J to rear it, to bound it — and t<>
kick it, with long kicks and port kicks,
till, like Tickletoby^ mare, you break a
ftrap or a crupper, and throw his wor-
(hip into the dirt. — You need not kill
him. —
/tlO tHE LIFE AND OPINIONS
—And pray who was 'Tickktobfs, mare ?
'— *tis juft as difcreditable and unfcholar-
like a queflion. Sir, as to have aflced
what year (ah. urh. con.) the fecond Pu-
nic war broke out. — Who was I'lckle-
tohfs mare !^ — «^Read, read, read, read,
my unlearned reader ! read — or by the
knowledge of the great faint Paraleipome^
fion — I tell you before-hand, you had
better throw down the book at oncej
for without much nadingy by which your
reverence knows I mean much knowledge^
you will no more be able to penetrate
the moral of the next marbled page
(motly emblem of my work I) than the
world with all its fagacity has been able
to unravel the many opinions, tranfac-"
tions, and truths which ftill lie myfti-
cally hid under the dark veil of the
black one.
OF TRISTRAM SHANDV.
III
OF TRISTRAM SHANOr. Ht
CHAP. XXX.
" A7IHIL me p.cnitet htijus yiafi^^
quoth Pamphagus j— — - that is —
*â– * My nofe has been the making of me."
" Nee eji cur fccniteaty^ re-
plies Codes ; that is, " How the ducc
lliould fuch a nofe fail ?"
The doftrine, you fee, was laid down
by Erajmus^ as my father wifhed it, with
the utmoft plainnefs j but my father's
difappointment was, in finding nothing
more from fo able a pen, but the bare
fa6t itfelf J without any of that fpecula-
tive fubtilty or ambidexterity of argu-
mentation upon it, which Heaven had
beftow'd upon man on purpol% to invef-
ticrate truth, and fi2:ht for her on all
fif^es. My father pifh'd and pugh'd
at firft moft terrribly 'tis worth
fomething to have a good name. As
the dialogue was of EraJmuSy my father
foon came to himfjlf, and read it ovec
and over again with great apphcation,
lludying every word and every fyllable
J 14 THE LIFE AND OPINrONS
of it thro' and thro' in its moll ftridt
and literal interpretation — he could ftill
make nothing of it, that way. Mayhap
there is mere meant, than is faid in it>
quoth mv father. Learned men, bro-
ther 'Tohyy don't write dialogues upon
long nofes for nothing. —I'll ftudy
the myitick and the allegorick itnit
here is fome room to turn a man's felf
in, brother.
My father read on.—— ^- — -
Now I find it needful to inform your
reverences and worfhips, that befides the
many nautical ufes of long nofes enume-
rated by trafmtts, the dialogift affirm-
eth that a long nofe is not without its
domeftic conveniencies alfo ; for that in
a cafe of diflrefs — and for want of a pair
of bellows, it will do excellently well, ad
ixcitandum focum (to flir up the fire.)
Nature had been prodigal in her gifts to
my father beyond meafure, and had fowri
the feeds of verbal criticifm as deep
within him, as fhe had done the feeds of
all other knowledge fo that he had
got out his penknife, and was tryir^g ex-
bF TRISTRAM SHANDY. tl^
periments "upon the fentence, to fee if he
could not fcratch fome better fenfe into
it. I've got within a fingle letter,
brother Tol^yy cried my father, of Eraf-
mus his myftic meaning.— You are near
enough, brother, replied my uncle, in ail
confcience. Pfliaw ! cried my fa-
ther, fcratching on 1 rhight as well
be feven miles off. — I've done it — faid
rtiy father, fnapping his fingers — See,
my dear brother Toby, how I have mend-
ed the fenfe. — — -But you have marr'd a
V/ord, replied my uncle ^oby. -My fa-
ther put on his fpe6lacles bit his lip
^ — - — ^— and tore out the leaf in a paffion.
CHAP. XXXI.
OSlawkenbergius ! thou faithful ana-
lyzer of my Dtjgrazias — thou fad
foreteller of fo many of the whips and
fliort turns which in one ftage or other
of my life have come flap upon me from
the fhortnefs of my nofe, and no other
caufe, that I am confcious of. — Tell me,
Slawkenbergius ! what fecret impulfe was
VOL. II, I
7l6 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS
it ? what intonation of voice ? whence
came it ? how did it found in thy ears ?
art thou fure thou heard'ft it ?—
which firil cried out to thee —go
go, Slawkenhergius ! dedicate the
labours of thy life negled thy paf-
times call forth all the powers and
faculties of thy nature macerate thy-
felf in the fervice of mankind, and write
a grand folio for them, upon the fubje6t
of their nofes.
How the communication was convey-
ed into Slawkenbergius^^ fenforium fb
that Slawkenbergius fhould know whofe
finger touch'd the key — and whofe hand
it was that blew the bellows as Hafen
Slawkenbergius has been dead and laid in
his grave above fourfcore and ten years
we can only raiie conjectures.
Slawkenbergius was play'd upon, for
aught I know, like one of WhitefieWi
difciples that is, with fuch a diftin(5t
intelligence. Sir, of which of the two
mafters it was that had been praftifing
upon his injfrur/ient — as to make all
reafgning upon it needkfi:.
t)F TRISTRAM SHANDY. ilj
-For in the account which Hafefi
Slawkenbergius gives the world of his
motives and occafions for writing, and
fpending fo naany years of his life upon
this one work — towards the end of his
prolegomena, which by-the-bye fliould
have come firft but the bookbinder
has moft injudicioufly placed it betwixt
the analytical contents of the book, and
the book itfelf — he informs his reader,
that ever fmce he had arrived at the age
of difccrnment, and was able to fit down
coolly, and confider within him.felf the
true flate and condition of man, and dif-
tinguifli the main end and defign of his
being ; or — to fhorten my tranflation,
for Slawkenbergius' s book is in Latin ^ and
not a little prolix in this pafTage — ever
fince I underflood, quoth Slawkenbergius,
any thing or rather what was what
and could perceive that the point of
long nofes had been too loofely handled
by all who had gone before;— have
I, Slawkenbergius y felt a ftrong impulfe,
with a mighty and unrefiftible call within
I 2
11$ THE LIFE AND OPINIONS
me, to gird up myfelf to this under-
taking.
And to do juftice to Slawkenhergius^
he has entered the hft with a Itronger
lance, and taken a much larger career in
it than aay one man who had ever enter-
ed it before him and indeed, in many
refpefts, deferves to be en-nich'd as a
prototype for all writers, of voluminous
works at leaft, to m.odel their books by
for he has taken in. Sir, the whole
fubjecl — examined every part of it dia-
le5Iically then brought it into full
day; dilucidating it with all the light
which either the colHfion of his own
natural parts could ftrike — or the pro-
foundell knowledge of the fciences had
impowered him to cafi upon ic — collat-
ing, colle6ling, and compiling
begging, borrowing, and ftealing, as he
went along, all that had been wrote or
wrangled thereupon in the fchools and
porticos of the learned : fo that Slawken-
hergius his book may properly be con-
iideredj not only as a model — but as a
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 11^
thorouo;h-ftitched digest and regular in-
ftitute of no/es, comprehending in it all
that is or can be needful to be known
about them.
For this caufe it is that I forbear to
fpeak of fo many (otherwife) valuable
books and treatifes of my father's colleft-
ing, wrote either, plump upon nofes
or collaterally touching them; â–
fuch for inftance as FrigmiZj now lying
upon the table before me, who with in-
finite learning, and from the moft can-
did and fcholar-like examination of a-
bove four thoufand different ficulls, in
upwards of twenty charnel-houfes in Si-
lejiaj which he had rummaged has
informed us, that the menfuration and
configuration of the ofieous or bony
parts of human nofes, in any given tradt
of country, except Crim Tartary, where
they are all crufh'd down by the thumb,
fo that no judgment can be formed upon
them — are much nearer alike, chan the
world imagines s — die difference amongft
them being, he fays, a mere trifie, not
FOrih taking notice ot^ but that the
120 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS
lize and jollity of every individual nofe,.
and by which one nofe ranks above ano-
ther, and bears a higher price, is ov/ing
to the cartilaginous and mufcular parts
of it, into whofe du6ls and finufes the
blood and animal fpirits being impell'd
and driven by the warmth and force of
the imagination, which is but a ftep from
it (bating the cafe of idiots, whom Prig-
tiitz, who had lived many years in ^urky,
fuppofes under the more immediate tu-
telage of Heaven) — it fo happens, and
ever muil, fays Prignitz, that the excel-
lency of the nofe is in a dire6l arithme-
tical proportion to the excellency of the
\yearer':^ fancy.
It is for the fame reafon, that is, be-
caufe 'tis all com.prehended in Slawken-
lergiusj that I fay nothing likewife of
Scroderus (Andrea) who, all the world
knows, fet himfelf to oppugn Prignitz
with great violence— proving it in his
own way, firft Icgicaily, and then by a
feries o' ftubbojn fads, "That fo far
w-s Frignitz from the truth, in affirm-
ing that the fancy begat the nofe;, tliat
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 121
on the contrary — the nofe begat the
fancy."
—The learned rufpe<5led Scroderus of
an indecent Ibphifm in this — and Prig-
nitT. cried out aloud in die dilpute, that
Scrod^us had fhifted the idea upon him
but Scrodsrus went on, maintaining
his thefis.
My father was jufl balancing within
himfelf, which of die two fides he ihould
take in this affair; when Amhroje Pa-
rous decided it in a moment, and by
overthrowing the fyftems, both of Prig-
nitz and ScrodernSy drove my father out of
both fides of the controverly at once.
Be witnefs
I don't acquaint the learned reader—
in faying it, I mention it only to fhew the
learned, I know the fa-il myfeif
That this Amhroje Pavdiiis was chief
furgeon and nofe-mender to Francis the
ninth of France^ arid in high credit with
him and the two preceding, or fucceed-
ing kings (I know not which) — and
that, except in the flip he made in his
ftory of 1'aliacotius's nofes, and his man-
I 4
122 THE LIFE AND OPINION-S
ner of fetting them on — he was efteemed
by the whole college of phyficians at
that tinrie, as more knowing in matters of
nofes, than any one who had ever taken
them in hand.
Now Amhroje Tardus convinced my
father, that the true and efficient caufe
of what had engaged fo much the at-
tention of the world, and upon which
Frignitz and Scroderus had wafted fo
much learning and fine parts was
neither this nor that but that the
length and goodnefs of the nofe was
owing fimply to the foftnefs and fiacci-
dity in the nurfe's breaft as the
fiatnefs and fhortnefs of puifne nofes was
to the firmnefs and elailic repulfion of
the fame organ of nutrition in the hale
■and lively- — which, tho' happy for the
woman, was the undoing of the child,
inafmuch as his nofe was fo fnubb'd, ^o
rebuff'd, fo rebated, and fo refrigerated
thereby, as never to arrive ad menjitram
Juam legit mam ; — but that in cafe of
the flaccidity and foftnefs of the nurfe
or mother's breaft — by finking into it^
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. I SJ
qiiofh Parigusy as into fo much butter, the
nofe was comforted, nourifli'd, plump'd
up, refrefh'd, refocillated, and fet a grow-
ing for ever.
I have but two things to obferve of
Parous; firft. That he proves and ex-
plains all this with the utmoft chaftity
and decorum of exprefllon : — for which
may his foul for ever reft in peace !
And, fecondly, that befides the fyftems
of Prignitz and Scroderus, which Amhroje
Parous his hypothefis effeftually over-
threw — ^ - it overthrev/ at the fame time
the fyftem of peace and harmony of our
family j and for three days together, not
only embroiled matters between my fa-
ther and my mother, but turn'd like-
wife the whole houfe and every thing in
it, except my uncle tohyy quite upfidc
down.
Such a ridiculous tale of a difpute be-
tween a man and his wife, never furely in
any age or country got vent through the
Ijey-hole of a ftreet-door.
My mother, you muft know —
but I have fifty things more necelTary to
12^ THE LIFE AND OVintOKS
let you know firft— — -T have a hundred
difficulties which I have promifed to
clear up, and a tlioufand diftrefles and do-
meflick mifadventures crowding in upon
me thick and threefold, one upon the
neck of another, A cow broke in (to-
morrow morning) to my uncle Toly's.
fortifications, itnd eat up two rations and
a half of dried grafs, tearing up the fods
with it, which faced his horn-work and
covered way.^ Trim infiftsupon being
Sried by a court-martial— the cow to be
ihot — Slop to be crucifix^ d — ^myfelf to be
trifiram^d and at my very baptifm made a
jnartyr of, ^poor unhappy devils that
we all are ! — —I want fwaddling
but there is no time to be loft in exclama-
tions —I have left my father lying
acrofe his bed, and my tincle Tohy in his
old fringed chair, fitting befide him, and
promifed I would go back to them in half
an hour ; and five-and-thirty minutes are
laps'd already. Of all the perplex-
ities a mortal author was ever feen in
this certainly is the greateft, for I have
Hafcn Slawkenhergius's folio. Sir, to finilU
CTF TRISTRAM SHANDYt 1 25
. a dialogue between my father and
my uncle 'Tol^j, upon the folution of
PrignitZj Scroderus, Ambrofe Par mis ^ Pa-
fiocrales, and Grangoufier to relate — a
tale out of Slawkenbergius to tranflate,
and all this in five minutes lefs than no
time at all ^ fuch a head ! — would
to Heaven my enemies only law the in-
fide of it !
CHAP. XXXII.
THERE was not any one fcene more
entertaining in our family — and
to do it juftice in this point; and
I here put off my cap and lay it upon
the table clofe befide my ink-horn, on
purpofe to make my declaration to the
world concerning this one article the
more folemn that I believe in my
foul (unlefs my love and partiality to my
underftanding blinds me) the hand of
the fuprcme Maker and firft Dcfigner of
all things never made or put a family to-
gether (in that period at leaft of it which
} have fat down to write the ftory of)
Il6 THE LIFE AND OFIX^IOJTS
^where the charaders of it were cafl
or contrafted with fo dramatick a felicity
as ours was, for this end ; or in which
the capacities of affording fuch exquifite
fcenes, and the powers of Hiifting them
perpetually from morning to night, were
lodged and intrufted with fo unlimited a
confidencej as in the Shandy Family.
Not any one of thefe v/as more divert-
ing, I fay, in this whimlical theatre of
ours than what frequently arofe out
of this felf-fame chapter of long nofes
elpeciaily when my father's ima-
gination was heated with the enquiry, and
nothing would ferve him but to heat my
tincle Tohy's too.
My uncle T'oinf would give my father
all poffible fair play in this attempt j and
with infinite patience would fit fmoking
his pipe for whole hours together, whilft
my father v/as praiftiling upon his headj
and trying every accelTible avenue to
drive Prignitz and Scroderus's folutions
into it.
Whether they were above my uncle
X6^'% reaibn â– â– or contrary to i^
OF TRISTRAM SHANDV. 127
or that his brain was like damp
timber, and no fpark could poflibly take
hold or that it was fo full of faps,
mines, blinds, curtins, and fuch mili-
tary difqualifications to his feeing clearly
into Prignitz and Scroderus's doctrines
• 1 fay not — let fchoolmen — fcuUions,
anatomifts, and engineers, fight for it
among themfelves — —
'Twas fome misfortune, I m.ake no
doubt, in this affair, that my father had
every word of it to tranflate for the be-
nefit of my uncle "Tobyy and render out
o( Slawkenbergius's Z^////, of which, as he
was no great mafter, his tranflation was
not always of the purefl and gene-
rally leaft fa where 'twas moil wanted. —
This naturally open'd a door to a fecond
misfortunes diat in the warmer pa*
roxyfms of his zeal to open my uncle
Toby's- cyts my father's ideas ran
on as much fafler than the tranflation, as
the tranflation outmoved my uncle To-
ly's neither the one or the odier
added much to- the perfpicuity of my fa-
ther's le<5lure.
128 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS
CHAP. XXXIII.
TH E gift of ratiocination and mak-
ing fyllogifnns 1 mean in man
— for in fuperior claffes of being, fuch as
angels and fpirits 'tis all done, may-
it pleafe your worfhips, as they tell me,
by Intuition ; — and beings inferior, as
your worfhips all know fyllogize by
their nofes : though there !s an ifland
fwimming in the fea (though not altoge-
ther at its eafe) whofe inhabitants, if my
intelligence deceives me not, are fo won-
derfully gifted, as to fyllogize after the
iame fafliion, and oft-times to make very
well out too ; — ■but that's neither
here nor there^
The gift of doing it as it fhould be,
amongft us, or — the great and principal
aft of ratiocination in man, as logicians
tell us, is the finding out the agreement
or difagreement of two ideas one with
another, by the intervention of a third
(called the medius UrminusJ; juft as a
Jjian, as Lode well obferves^ by a yard,
6
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. t1^
£nds two mens mne-pin-alleys to be of
the fame length, which could not be
brought together, to meafure their equa-
lity, by juxta-pcfiticn.
Had the fame great reafoncr looked
on, as my father iliuftrated his fyftems
of nofes, and obferved my uncle "Tohfs,
deportment — what great attention he
gave to every word — ^and as oft as he
took his pipe from his mouth, with
what wonderful ferioufnefs he contemn