It makes every thing ftraight for us, an-
fwered my uncle Toby. Figurative-
ly fpeaking, dear Tchyj it may, for aught
I know, faid my fither ; but the fpring
I am fpeaking of, is that great and elaf-
tic power within us of counterbalancing
evil, which, like a fecret fpring in a well-
ordered machine, though it can't prevent
the fhock at lead it impofes upon our
fcnfe of it.
Now, my dear brother, faid my father,
replacing his fore-finger, as he was com-
ing clofer to the point had my child
arrived fafe into the world, unmartyr'd
in that precious part of him — fanciful
and extravagant as I may appear to the
world in my opinion of chriflian names,
and of that magic bias which good or
bad names irrefiftibly imprefs upon ou'
characters and conducts — Heaven is wit
6
206 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS
nefs I that in the warmefl tranfports of
my wiflies for the profperity of my child,
I never once wilhed to crown his head
with more glory and honour than what
George or Edward would have Ipread
around it.
But alas ! continued my father, as the
greateft evil has befallen him 1 muft
counteradt and undo it with the greateft
good.
He ihall be chriftened Trifmegijius,
brother.
I wifh it may anfwer replied my
uncle T'oby, rifing up.
CHAP. XL IV.
WH A T a chapter of chances, faid
my father, turning himfelf about
upon the iirft landing, as he and my
uncle 'Toby were going down ftairs — what
a long chapter of chances do the events
of this world lay open to us ! Take pen
and ink in hand, brother T'oby, and cal-
culate it fairly I know no more of
calculation than this ballufter, faid my
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 20?
uncle Toby (ftriking fliort of it with his
crutch, and hitting my father a defperate
blow foufe upon his fhin-bone) — —
'Twas a hundred to one — cried my un-
cle ^oby — I thought, quoth my father,
(rubbing his fliin) you had known no-
thing of calculations, brother ^oby. 'Tis
a mere chance, faid my uncle "Toly,
Then it adds one to the chapter
replied my father.
The double iticcefs of my father's re-
partees tickled off the pain of his Ihin at
once — it was well it fo fell out— (chance !
asain) — or the world to this dav had
never known the fubje(^t of my father's
calculation to guefs it — there was
no chance What a lucky chapter of
chances has this turned out ! for it has
faved me the trouble of writing one ex-
prefs, and in truth I have enough alrea-
dy upon my hands without it.- — Have
not I promifed the world a chapter of
knots ? two chapters upon the right and
the wrong end of a w^^man ? a chapter
upon whilkers ? a chapter upon wifhes ?
— a chapter of nofes ? — No, I have
208 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS
done that — a chapter upon my uncle
Moby's modtrfty ? to fay nothing of a
chapter upon chapters, which I will fi-
nifh before I fleep — by my great-grand-
father^s whifkers, I fnail never get half of
'em through this year.
Take pen and ink in hand, and calcu-
late it fairly, brother 'Tobyy faid my fa-
ther, and it will turn out a million to
one, that of all the parts of the body, the
edge of the forceps fliould have the ill
luck juft to fall upon and break down
that one part, which fliould break down
the fortunes of our houfe with it.
It might have been worfe, replied my
;pncle Toby. 1 don't comprehend, faid
my father. Suppofe the hip had
prefcnted, replied my uncle Toby, as Dr.
Sbp foreboded.
My father refie6ted half a minute —
Jooked down touched the middle
of his forehead (lightly with his fin-
ger
— True, faid he.
or TRISTRAM SHANDY. 20^
CHAP. XLV.
IS It not a fliame to make two chapters
of what pafTed in going down one
pair of flairs ? for we are got no farther
yet than to the firft landing, and there
are fifteen more fteps down to the bot-
tom; and for aught I know, as my fa-
ther and my uncle 'Toby are in a talking
humour, there may be as many chapters
as fteps : let that be as it will. Sir,
I can no more help it than my deftiny:
— A fudden impulfe <;omes acrols me
drop the curtain, Shandy 1 drop
it — Strike a line here acrofs the paper,
Tr'ijlram — I flrike it — and hey for a new
chapter.
The deuce of any other rule have I to
govern mylelf by in this affair — and if I
had one — as I do all things out of all
rule. — I would twift it and tear it to pie-
ces, and throw it into the fire when I
had done — ^Am I warm ? I am, and the
caufe demands it a pretty Itory ! is
ilO THE LIFE AND OPINIONS
a man to follow rules- or rules to
follow him ?
Now this, you mull know, being my
chapter upon chapters, which I promifed
to write before I went to fleep, I thought
it meet to eafe my confclence entirely
before I laid down, by telling the world
all I knew about the matter at once : Is
not this ten times better than to fet out
dogmatically with a fententious parade
of wifdom, and telling the world a ftory
of a roafted horfe that chapters re-
lieve the mind — that they aflift — -or im-
pofe upon the imagination — and that in
a work of this dramatic call they are as
neceflary as the fhifting of fcenes— —
with fifty other cold conceits, enough to
extinguilh the fire which roafted him ?—
O ! but to underftand this, which is a
puff at the fire of Dmna~& temple— you
muft read Longinus — read away — if you
are not a jot the wifer by reading him
the firft time over — never fear — read
him aQ;ain — Avicenna and Licetus read A-
rijJofk's metaphyficks forty times through
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 2ll
a-plece, and never underftood a fingle
word. — But mark the confequence —
Avicenna turned out a defperate writer at
all kinds of writing — for he wrote books
de omni Jcrihili', and for Licetus (For-
tunio) though all the world knows he
was born a foetus *, of no more than
five inches and a half in length, yet he
grew to that aflonifhing height in lite-
rature, as to write a book with a tide as
long as himfelf the learned know
I mean his Gonopjychanthropologia, upon
the origin of the human foul.
* Ce Foetus n'etoit pas plus grand que la paume de la
main; mais fon pere I'ayant examine en qualite de
Medecin, & ayant trouve que c'etoit quelque chofe de
plus qifun Embryon, le fit tianfporter tout vivant a
Rapallo, ou il le fit voir a Jerome Bardi & a d'autres
Mcdecins du lieu. On troiiva qu'il ne lui manquoit
rien d'effentiel a. la vie ; & fon pere pour faire voir un
cffai de fon experience, entreprit d'achever fouvrage
de la Nature, & de travailler a la formation de TEn-
fant avec le meme artifice que celui dont on fc fert
pour faire ecclorre les Poulets tn Egypte. II inftrui-
fit ime Nouriffe de tout ce qu'elie avoit a faire, 2c
ayant fait mettre fon fils dans un pour proprement ac-
conimode, il reuflit a I'elever & a lui faire prendre fes
accroiffemens neceffaires, par Tuniformite d'une cha-
leur etrangere mefuree exadement fur les degres d'un
Thermometre, ou d'un autre inftruraent equivajcnt.
VOL. II. P
112 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS-
So much for my chapter upon chap-
ters, which I hold to be the beft chapter
in my whole work ; and take my word,
whoever reads it, is full as well employ-
ed, as in picking draws.
CHAP. XL VI.
WE fhall bring all things to rights,
faid my father, fetting his foot
i]pon the firft ftep from the landing.—
This I'rifmegijius, continued my father,
drawing his leg back and turning to my
(Vide Mich. Giuftinian, ne gli Scritt. Liguri a Cart.
a23. 4-88.)
On auroit toujours ete ties fatisfait de Tinduftrie
d'un pere fi experimente dans I'Art de la Generation,
quand il n'auioit pu prolonger la vie a fon fils que
pour Puelques mois, ou pour peu d'annees.
Mais quand on fe reprefente que TEnfant a vecu
pres de qnatre-vingts ans, & qu'ii a compofe quatre-
vingts Ouvrages difFerents tous fruits d'une longue
lefture — il faut convenir que tout ce qui eft incroyable
n'eft pas toujours faux, & que la Vraifemblance tCeJi pas
toujours du cote de la V trite.
II n'avoit que dix neuf ans lorfqu'il compofa Go-
nopfychanthropologia de Origine Animae humanae.
(Les Enfans celebres, revus & corriges par M. de la
Mgnnoye derAcademie Fran$oile.)
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. aij
uncle 'Tohy was the greatcft (Toby)
of all earthly beings — he was the greatefl:
king the greatefl lawgiver the
greatefl philofopher and the greatefl
priefl and engineer — faid my vmcle
Toby,
In courre, faid nny father.
CHAP. XLVII.
— AND how does your miftrefs ?
M\. cried my father, taking the
fame ftcp over again from the landing,
and calling to Sujannahy whom he faw
pairing by the foot of the flairs with a
huge pin-cufhion in her hand — how does
your miflrefs ? As well, faid Sujannahy
tripping by, but without looking up, as
can be expelled. — What a fool am I ! faid
my father, drawing his leg back again
— let things be as they will, brother
Toby^ 'tis ever the precife anfwer
And how is the child, pray ? No
anfwer. And where is Dr. Slop ? added
my father, raifing his voice aloud, and
p 2
214 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS
looking over the ballufters — Sufannait
Was out of hearing.
Of all the riddles of a married life,
fald my father, crofTing the landing in
order to fet his back againft the wall,
whilfl he propounded it to my uncle
Toby of all the puzzling riddles, faid
he, in a marriage flate, of which you
may truft me, brother Toby, there arc
more aiTes loads than all JoFs, ftock of
afles could have carried there is not
one that has more intricacies in it than
this — that from the very moment the
miftrefs of the houfe is brought to bed,
every female in it, from my lady's gende-
woman down to the cinder-wench, be-
comes an inch taller for it ; and give
themfelves more airs upon that fingle inch,
than all their other inches put together.
I think rather, replied my uncle Toby,
that 'tis we who fink an inch lower. — If
I meet but a woman with child — I do it.
— 'Tis a heavy tax upon that half of our
fellow- creatures, brother Shandy y faid my
uncle Toby — 'Tis a piteous burden upon
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 11^
"em, continued he, fhaking his head-
Yes, yes, 'tis a painful thing — faid my
father, fhaking his head too but cer-
tainly fince fhaking of heads came into
fafhion, never did two heads fhake toge-
ther, in concert, from two fuch different
Iprings.
God blefs 7 'em all faid my
Deuce take \ uncle Tol'y and my fa-
ther, each to himfelf.
CHAP. XL VIII.
HOLLA ! you, chairman! —
here's fixpence do ftep into
that bookfeller's fhop, and call me a <%-
fall critick. I am very willing- to give
any one of 'em a crown to help me with
his tackling, to get my father and my
uncle Tol^y off the flairs, and to put them
to bed.
— 'Tis even high time j for except a
fhort nap, which they both got whilft
Trim was boring the jack-boots — and
>vhich, by-the-bye, did my father no fort
of good, upon the fcore of the bad hinge
P 2
Sl6 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS
— they have not elfe fhut their eyes',
fince nine hours before the time that
dodlor Slop was led into the back parlour
in that dirty pickle by Ohadiah.
Was every day of my life to be as bufy
a day as this — and to take up — Truce.
I will not finifh that fentence till I
have made an ob'^rvation upon the
flrange ftate of affairs between the reader
and myfelf, juft as things Hand at pre-
fent — an obfervation never applicable
before to any one biographical writer
lince the creation of the world, but to
myfelf — and I believCj will never hold
good to any other, until its final deftruc-
tion — and therefore, for the very novelty
of it alone, it muft be worth your wor-
fhips attending to.
I am this month one whole year old«*
than I was this time twelve-month ; and
having got, as you perceive, almoft into
the middle of my third volume* — and no
farther than to my firft day's lifeâ„¢ 'tis
dem.onftrative that I have three hundred
and fixcy-four days more life to write
* According to the preceding Editions.
«F TRISTRAM SHANDY. 217
jufl: now, than when I firft fet out; fo
that inftead of advancing, as a common
writer, in my work with what I have
been doing at it — on the contrary, I am
jufl thrown fo many volumes back — was
every day of my Hfe to be as bufy a day
a§ this — And why not ? and the
tranfaclions and opinions of it to take
up as much defcription— And for what
reafon fliouki they be cut Ihort ? as at
this rate I fhould jufl hve 364 times
fafler than I fhould write — It mufl fol-
low, an' pleafe your worfhips, that the
more I write, the more I fliall have to
write — and confequently, the more your
worfliips read, the more your worfhips
will have to read.
Will this be good for your worfhips
^yes ?
It will do well for mine j and, was it
not that my Opinions will be the death
of me, I perceive I ihall lead a fine life
of it out of this felf-fame life of mine;
or, in other words, fhall lead a couple of
fine lives together.
As for the propofal of twelve volumes
P 4
2lS THE LIFE AND OPINIONS
a year, or a volume a month, it no way
alters my profped — write as I will, and
rufh as I may into the middle of things,
as Horace advifes — I fhall never overtake
myfelf whipp'd and driven to the laft
pinch J at the worft I fhall have one day
the flart of my pen — and one day is
enough for two volum.es and two
volumes will be enough for one year. —
Heaven profper the manufadurers of
paper under this propitious reign, which
is now opened to us as I truft its
providence will profper every thing elfe
in it that is taken in hand.
As for the propagation of Geefe — I
give myfelf no concern — Nature is all-
bountiful — I fhall never want tools to
work with.
— So then, friend! you have got my
father and my uncle ^oby off the flairs,
and feen them to bed ? And how
did you manage it ? ^You dropp'd a
curtain at the flair-foot — I thought you
had no other way for it —Here's 4
crown for your trouble.
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 0.1^
CHAP. XI.IX.
«— rnri hen reach me my breeches off
i the chair, faid my father to Su-
Jamah. There is not a moment's
time to drefs you, Sir, cried Sujannah —
the child is as black in the face as my
As your what ? faid my father, for hke
all orators, he was a dear fearcher into
comparifons. — Blefs me. Sir, faid Sujan-
nahi the child's in a fit. — And where's
Mr. Torick? — Never where he fhould
be, faid Sufamahj but his curate's in the
drefTing-room, with the child upon his
arm, waiting for the name — and my
miftrefs bid me run as faft as I could to
know, as captain Shandy is the godfa-
ther, whether it Ihould not be called
after him.
Were one fure, faid my father to him-
felf, fcratching his eye-brow, that the
child was expiring, one might as well
compliment my brother Toby as not —
and it would be a pity, in fuch a cale,
to throw away fo great a name as Trif-
220 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS
-megijlus upon him but he may re-
cover.
No, no, fliid my father to Sujan-
vahi I'll get up There is no time,
cried Sujannah, the ciiild's as black as
my ihoe. 'TriJmegifiuSj faid my father
■But ftay — thou art a leaky vefTel,
Sufannahj added my father; canft thou
carry Trifmegijlus in thy head, the length
of the gallery without fcattering ?— —
Can I ? cried Sujannahj Jhutting the
door in a huff. If flie can, I'll be
Ihot, faid my father, bouncing out of
bed in the dark, and groping for his
breeches.
Sujannab ran with all ipeed along the
gallery.
My father made all pofTible Ipeed to
find his breeches.
Sujannah got the ftart, and kept it — *
'Tis Tris — fomething, cried Sujannah —
There is no chriflian-name in the world,
faid the curate, beginning with Tris—^
hut TriJ ram. Then 'tis 'J'riJlram-giJiuSy
<]uoth Sujannah.
' â– ' There is no gijlus to it, noodle !
Vol H pa^e 221
FuMir/ucias-^e Actdirecf. JajCj4*iy3o- byKSmAan. T^adellJ-Dodfley. aJtoimanSC. IMumv) ^c .
OF TRISTRAM SHANDV. I'M*
—'tis my own name, replied tlie curare,
dipping his hand, as he fpoke, into the
bafon — Trijlram ! faid he, (ffc. &c.
&c. &c. fo Triftram was I called, and
"Trijlram Ihall I be to the day of my
death.
My father followed Sufannah, with his
night-gown acrois his arm, with nothing
more than his breeches on, faftened
tht^ough hafte with but a fingle button,
and that button through hafte thruft on-
ly half into the button-hole.
She has not forgot the name,
cried my father, half opening the door ?
No, no, faid the curate, with a tone
of intelligence. — — And the child is
better, cried Sujannah. And how
does your miftrefs ? As well, faid Sujan-
nah^ as can be expefted. — Pifl-i! faid my
father, the button of his breeches flip-
ping out of the button-hole — So that
whether the interjeftion was levelled at
Stifannahy or the button- hole — whether
Pifh was an interjeclian of contempt or
an interjedion of modefly, is a doubt,
*nd muil be a doubt till I fhall have
%22 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS
time to write the three following fa-
vourite chapters, that is, my chapter of
thamber-maids, my chapter of pifhes^ and
my chapter of button-holes.
All the light I am able to give the
reader at prefent is this, that the moment
my father cried Pifh ! he whifk'd him-
felf about — and with his breeches held
up by one hand, and his night-gown
thrown acrofs the arm of the other, he
turned along the gallery to bed, fome-
thing flower than he came.
C H A P. L.
IWifh I could write a chapter upon
fleep.
A fitter occafion could never have
prefented itfelf^ than what this moment
offers, when all the curtains of the fami-
ly are drawn — the candles put out—
and no creature's eyes are open but a
fingle one, for the other has been fliut
thefe twenty years, of my mother's nurfe.
It is a fine fubjedt !
And yet, as fine as it is, I would
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 22^
undertake to write a dozen chapters up-
on button-holes, both quicker and with,
more fame, than a fingle chapter upoa
this.
Button-holes ! there is fomething lively
in the very idea of 'em and trufl me,
when I get amongft 'em You gentry
with great beards look as grave as
you will rU make merry work.
with my button-holes — I fhall have 'em
all to myfelf — 'tis a maiden fubjeft — \
Ihall run foul of no man's wifdom or fine,
fayings in it. ,
But for fleep 1 know I fhall make
nothing of it before I begin — I am no
dab at your fine fayings in the firft place —
and in the next, I cannot for my foul fet
a grave face upon a bad matter, and tell
the world — 'tis the refuge of the un-
fortunate — the enfranchiiement of the
prifoner — the dov/ny lap cf the hopelefs,
the weary, and the broken-hearted ; nor
could I fet out with a lye in my m.outh,
by affirming, that of all the foft and de-
licious functions of our nature, by which
the great Author of it, in his bounty.
.^24 THE LIFE ^ISfD OPINIONS
has been pleafed to recompenie the fuf-
ferings wherewith his juftice and his
good pleafurc has wearied us that
this is the chiefefl (I know pleallires
worth ten of it) ; or what a happinefs it
is to man, when the anxieties and pafTions
of the day are over, and he lies down
upon his back, that his foul fhall be fa
feated within him, that whichever way
(he turns her eyes, the heavens fhall
look calm and fweet above her — no de-
fire — or fear — or doubt that troubles the
air, nor any difficulty pad, prefent, or to
come, that the imagination may not pafs
over without offence, in that fweet fe-
cefTion.
" God's blefTing," faid Sancho Panfa,
** be upon the man who firfl invented
*"^ this fclf-fame thing called fleep — it
*' covers a man all over like a cloak."
Now there is more to me in tins, and it
fpeaks warmer to my heart and affec-
tions, than all the diflertations fqueez'd
out of the heads of the learned together
upon the fubjc6l.
— Not that I altogether difapprove of
4
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. £2^
■what Montaigne advances upon it — 'tis
admirable in its way — (I quote by me-
mory.)
The world enjoys other pleafures, fays
he, as they do that of fleep, without
tailing or feeling it as it flips and paiTes
by. — We fliould ftudy and ruminate up-
on it, in order to render proper thanks.
to him who grants it to us, — For thii
end I caufe myfelf to be difturbed in my
fleep, that I may the better and more
fenfibly relifh it. And yet I fee few,
fays he again, who live with lefs fleep,
when need requires j my body is capa-
ble of a firm, but not of a violent and
fuddcn agitation — I evade of late all vio-
lent exercifcs 1 am never weary with
walking but from my youth, I never
liked to ride upon pavements. I love
to lie hard and alone, and even without
my wife This laft word may dagger
the fiith of the world but remember.
La Vraifemblance (as Bayle fays in the
affair of Liceti) n'eft pas toujours du
" Cote de la Veritc." And fo much for
fleep.
ai'6 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS
CHAP. LI.
IF my wife will but venture him —
brother 'Toby, I'rifmegijlus fhall be
drefs'd and brought down to us, whilft
you and I are getting our breakfalls to-
gether.-
Go, tell Sujamiahy Ohadiahy to
flep here.
She is run up ftairs, anfv/ered Ohadiahy
this very inftant, fobbing and crying, and
wringing her hands as if her heart v/ould
break.
We fhall have a rare month of it, fiid
my father, turning his head from Oha-
diahy and looking willfully in my uncle
'toby's face for fome time — we fhall have
a devililh month of it, brother 'Tobyy faid
my father, fetting his arms a-kimbo, and
fhaking his head; fire, water, women,
wind — brother 'Toby! — 'Tis fome mil-
fortune, quoth my uncle 'toby. That
it is, cried my father— -to have fo many
jarring elements breaking loofe, and rid-
ing triumph in every corner of a gentle*
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 2-27
tnan's houfe — Little boots it to the peace
of a family, brother T^oby^ that you and I
polTefs ourfelves, and fit here filent and
unmoved— whilft fuch a ftorm is whift-
lino; over our heads.
And what's the matter, Siijannah ?
They have called the child T^rifiram
and my miftrefs is juft got out of an
hyfterick fit about it No ! 'tis
not my fault, faid Siijannah — I told him
it was I'rijiram-gi/ius.
Make tea for yourfelf, brother
Toby, faid my father, taking down his
hat but how different from the fal-
lies and agitations of voice and mem-
bers which a common reader would
imagine !
— For he fpake in the fweeteft modu-
lation — and took down his hat with the
genteeleit movement of limbs, that ever
afflidlion harmonized and attuned toge-
ther.
Go to the bowlino - o;re?n for cor-
poral 'Trinii faid my uncle ^oby^ fpeak-
ing to Obadiahi as foon as my fuher left
the room.
VOL. rr, Q^
2i8 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS
CHAP. LII.
WHEN the misfortune of my Nose
fell fo heavily upon my father's
head ; — the reader remembers that he
v/alked inftantly up flairs, and call him-
felf down upon his bed ; and from hence,
unlefs he has a great infight into hum.an
nature, he will be apt to exped a rota-
tion of the fame afcending and defcend-
ing movements from him, upon this
misfortune of my Name ; no.
The different weight, dear Sir nay-
even the different package of two vexa-
tions of the fame weight makes a
very wide difference in our manner of
bearing and getting through with them.
It is not half an hour ago, when (in
the great hurry and precipitation of a
poor devil's writing for daily bread) I
threw a fair Iheet, which I had juft finiHi-
ed, and carefully wrote out, flap into the
fire, inflead of the foul one.
Inflantly I fnatch'd off my wig, and
threw it perpendicularly, with all imagi-
5
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 229
liable violence, up to the top of the
room — indeed I caught it as it fell
but there was an end of the matter ; nor
do I think any thing eife in Nature
would have given fuch immediate eafe :
She, dear Goddefs, by an inftantaneous
impulfe, in all provoking cqfeSj deter-
mines us to a fally of this or that mem-
ber — or elfe Ihe thrufts us into this or
that place, or pofture of body, we know
not why But mark, madam, we live
amongft riddles and myfteries the
moft obvious things, which come in our
way, have dark fides, which the quickeft
fight cannot penetrate into ; and even the
cleareft and moll exalted underftandings
amongd us find ourfelves puzzled and at
a lofs in almoft every cranny of nature's