Charles Dickens.

Bentley's miscellany online

. (page 1 of 86)
Online LibraryCharles DickensBentley's miscellany → online text (page 1 of 86)
Font size
QR-code for this ebook

This is a digital copy of a book that was preserved for generations on library shelves before it was carefully scanned by Google as part of a project
to make the world's books discoverable online.

It has survived long enough for the copyright to expire and the book to enter the public domain. A public domain book is one that was never subject
to copyright or whose legal copyright term has expired. Whether a book is in the public domain may vary country to country. Public domain books
are our gateways to the past, representing a wealth of history, culture and knowledge that's often difficult to discover.

Marks, notations and other marginalia present in the original volume will appear in this file - a reminder of this book's long journey from the
publisher to a library and finally to you.

Usage guidelines

Google is proud to partner with libraries to digitize public domain materials and make them widely accessible. Public domain books belong to the
public and we are merely their custodians. Nevertheless, this work is expensive, so in order to keep providing this resource, we have taken steps to
prevent abuse by commercial parties, including placing technical restrictions on automated querying.

We also ask that you:

+ Make non-commercial use of the files We designed Google Book Search for use by individuals, and we request that you use these files for
personal, non-commercial purposes.

+ Refrain from automated querying Do not send automated queries of any sort to Google's system: If you are conducting research on machine
translation, optical character recognition or other areas where access to a large amount of text is helpful, please contact us. We encourage the
use of public domain materials for these purposes and may be able to help.

+ Maintain attribution The Google "watermark" you see on each file is essential for informing people about this project and helping them find
additional materials through Google Book Search. Please do not remove it.

+ Keep it legal Whatever your use, remember that you are responsible for ensuring that what you are doing is legal. Do not assume that just
because we believe a book is in the public domain for users in the United States, that the work is also in the public domain for users in other
countries. Whether a book is still in copyright varies from country to country, and we can't offer guidance on whether any specific use of
any specific book is allowed. Please do not assume that a book's appearance in Google Book Search means it can be used in any manner
anywhere in the world. Copyright infringement liability can be quite severe.

About Google Book Search

Google's mission is to organize the world's information and to make it universally accessible and useful. Google Book Search helps readers
discover the world's books while helping authors and publishers reach new audiences. You can search through the full text of this book on the web

at http : //books . google . com/|


Bentley's Miscellany

Charles Dickens, William Harrison Ainsworth,
Albert Smith, George Cruikshank

{)/xxyrl^^ <- / ^ ^^


,yf'i/>ri*t n ' ' /t/M4xA^ . W.

Digitized by


Digitized by


Digitized by


Digitized by




VOL. xvr



Digitized by





Bangor House, Shoe Lane.

Digitized by



The Fortunea of the Scattergood Faimly, by Albert Smith, paqe

f *v ^ . 1 x« 1> 113, 217, 331,513, 6ir

Lines on the Carnival at Rome, it

Bell8,byW. LawGane, ' ' i^

The Murder of the Duke d'Enghien, . • * . ' . 19

Eton Scenes and Eton Men, by the author of '' Doctor Hookwell/'

Old Times, by George Linnaus Banks, ' '' . r -^ . ^^' ^^^' ^J

A Ramble through Styria, the Tyrol, and >

lUyria, in 1841, . • I u n w « 48

A few Pages from my Journal in Greece, ( ^^ ^' ^' ^yne^ Clinton,

Turkey, and on the Danube, . / . loi oxfi qqt

A Summer Evening, by H.B.K. , . iyi,a46,3J7

'"^ ^J?iu '^®^.r?°^i?'' Life, by John Fisher Murray,' Author of

The mnJSraSeS:t"Mrs: Gore, ' . ''^ ''!' '''^ ""'' ""'^ '''

An CWd Dog, by Georee Soane,

The Lovely One, a Tale of Fashionable Life, edited by the Hon. Mrs.

Puffington, illustrated by Alfred Crowquill, with two Portraits

of the Author in Glyphofirraphv. .
When will ye think of me? . ^ "^ f ' '

Martin Gourri, the Sausage-maker, by Dudley Costello,
The Norman Peasant's Hymn to the Viririn. \
TheJ'orsaken, • . ) *


> by William Jones,


My Father,

aing and be Merry, ... .

The Mariner's Rest, . /

My Great Uncle, by Dalton,

Ganymede, . lu » ^ «

The Waters of Babylon /'>y J- G- Barker,

Used down, ^

The Private Secretary, ' J by Albany Poyntz,

A Tale of the Wars of Marlborough, . -.'

Battle of Vimiero : Anecdotes of the Peninsular Wari iby H

from the Recollections of the Rifleman Harris, J
I love thee ! . . . , '^

''^^ Sif^^jS^"^^^. L^""' ^ ^"^^ ^"^^ from Life's Volume-
1 be Murdered Gamekeeper, .
A Ghost Story, . .

Fair or Foul Play,
Waterloo Ligyins, .
The blood-stamed Conscience, .
The Brotherhood of Crime,

The Royal Favourite and her Victim, .

The Speculation,

The Incendiary,

A Recipe for fiiick-burnin£r.

Offended Dignity .

Come where the purple light of eve is glowing
Steam-boat Society, by Catherine Sinclair, .
Choice Fruit; or, the Balanced Account, -j '

Poet-mortem Examination; or, like master like iby Hilary Hypbane'




176 i
179 '
236 >
243 ^
417 ^
443 J
615 ^

Digitized by




The Legend of the Lamp^ bv William Cullier^ . 352

A lonely Night on the Feldberg , ..... 969

Selwyn, ^Valpole^ and BrummeTl, with a Portrait of George Brummell

from an Original Miniature, ... . 288

Baron von Paffenberg, illustrated by Alfred Crowquill, with two Por-

I by H. R.


traits in Glyphography,
Farewell, and think of me, .....

The Philosophy of Delusion, by the Irish Whiskey Drinker,

The Man in Difficulties,

The Blue Spinster^ .

The Woman of the World,

The Practical Joke, .

Creation, a Fragment, bv W. B. . . .

Thou art like the lily's fragrant bell.
Miss Jifkins's Benefit, by Charles Whitehead,
Sketches of Legendary Cities, by Miss Costello,
Meum and Tuum, .....

Bring me no blushing wreath.

Smoking Robin, by Abraham Elder,

Starlight, ...:..

The Two Fortune- Hunters of Galway, by Dr. Millingen,

The Ouiet Hour, bv T. J. Ouseley,

The House on the Terrain,

Charlecote Hall, Warwickshire,

Caninology, ......

Horace to Lyd^, .....

Vesper Thoughts, . .

The Secret Cabinet ; or. Don't disbelieve in Dreams,

The Gates of Death, by Bayle St. John, .

Benefits of Snuff-taking

Fitzmorte ; or the Son of the Dead Woman, by Capt. Johns, 11. M

Three Gay Deceivers ....

The Effigy of a Welch Prince

The Tempted .....

The Lover's Complaint ....

Pleasure's Voyage, by W. Law Gane

A Lyric for Christmas ....

The Bull in the China Shop

Notes of a Loiterer in New York, by Heary Cooke

The Genius of Theocritus

The Post-bag ; or. Eccentric Correspondents, by R. B

Tribute to Anacreon ....



. 305
. 314

. 423

. 316


. 343

350, 576

. 363

. 369

. 398

. 425
. 430

. 442

. 488

. 529

. 545

. 557

. 575

. 591

. 603

. 612


Mr. Joint's practical Joke

<* 1 held my breath, and drew myself up yet clo8(

Joe Joint's Visit to an eccentric Gentleman

The Duel .....

Mr. Tubbs in trouble

Portrait of Beau Brummell

Mr. Fogg dreams ....

Smoking Robin ....

The House in the Terrain .

Clara Scatter^ood very wretched indeed

A Brute of a Husband

Mrs. Constable interrupting Clara and Herbert


to the wall"


^ ,


, .

. 165

, ,





' , ,

. 373


. 52^



. 617

Digitized by VjOC







Joe J6l\it hurries Mr. Snarry from sport to sport, to baxiish his regret.

The Dam^ of the lodger who played the flute in bed, on the second
floor of the bouse in Windmill -street, occupied b^ the funny gentle-
man and hi| friend, was Fipps — Mr. Rasselas Fippe. He was a
harmless loc^^ing young man, with a long nose : and his mouth was
puckered into a perpetual ; simper from long practice oh • his instru-
ment, which gave 'him a lively expression, although his nature was
grave. Perhaps it was thi3 harmless disposition that made him very
popular amongst the fiiirer portion of the visitors to Qrave^send, coupled
with his musical propensities ; for he knew a great number of ladiesi
Oftentimes as the.* benighted traveller returned from Cobbam, he
beard theidiilcet notes of Mr. Fipps's pipe-^he wa6 equally great upon
the .flageolets-floating in the soft and mellow eventide; and at a turn
of the road would discover Mr. Fipps reclining in a pastoral attitude
against a stile, whilst two or three ladies, seated on iogs'of timber,
listened to him in wrapt -admiration, and donkey's browised at their
side, in classical grouping.' The style of Mr!- Fipps's playing was
usually ambitious, and of a high school — indeed,' he sometimes at-
tempted to grasp such lofly nates that bystanders trembled for his
)»lQodve88els ; bdt'in moments of light distraction he would essay the
^y iqjuadrllle or poprular waltz; and then, when nobody was by, the
Jadies would dance a gentle measure upon the green sward, calling each
other *< dear,'* and laughing timidly, as though they blushed to find
tfaemselwes thus employed, as is their wont on such occasions,' fVom
aylvan dances to the first quadrille after supper at evening parties.
^itjiat the life of Mr. Fipps* might be considered as Arcadian ; and
he would. hi(ve formed, with his fair>comp.anions, a sort of drop-scene
of the nineteenth century, had any artist sketched them.

During the early periods of their residence Mr. Joe Jollit did not
get, on very well with Mr. Fipps. He pronounced him << slow;" and
indeed what could be expected from a man who dined every day
upon soda water and perri winkles ; for such did the jocular Jollit
alBrm was the case. And having won an opal smelling-bottle and
two mother-of-pearl salt-spoons, at Tul ley's bazaar, he persuaded the
elegant young lady with the long black curls, who personated the
fickle goddess,— anything but blindly,*— to change these prizes for an
octave flute, upon which he accompanied Mr. Fipps through the wall, ^
in an uncertain obligato. When Mr. Fipps found that his perform-
ance appeared to annoy the other lodgers, he took to playing in bed,
making a sort of Esquimaux tent wiU^ the sheet, and getting under

▼oil. XVI. { r^n\i>

Digitized by Vj(JVJ*V Ic


ity together with his candle — a proceeding which, although advan-
tageous in the aggregate, was, in the abstract, certainly prejudicial
to his own safety, as well as that of the house generally. But finding
that Mr. Fipps was inoffensive, and put up meekly with messages and
conduct of an insulting and pernicious nature, Mr. Joe Jollit pro-
nounced him a good fellow afler all ; and they finally got very excel-
lent friends.

Meanwhile, Mr. Snarry became more melancholy, in spite of all
Mr. Joe Joint's recommendations to the contrary. He declared he
could not rouse himself; and if he could not, it was certainly not
from a paucity of attempt on the part of his friend to divert him,
for Mr. Jollit dragged him by sheer muscular strength to Rosherville
every gala nighty and even introduced him to the young lady who
sang coquettish ballads from an exalted position in the orchestra gal-
lery, between the dances, which was a distinguished honour many
gallant hearts sighed for, but in vain. He took him to eat water-
cresses at Spring Head, and drink tea at Cobbam ; he lured him into
sailing excursions and balls upon the Town Pier ; he practically de-
monstrated to him that the amenities of social life were in force at
Gravesend — that nobody was proud, but pleasant and affable - that
formal introductions were things unknown, even to the fairer portion
of humanity there locating, but that soft words might be whispered
during the fireworks, upon the strength of one or two minutes' ac-
quaintanceship, when all was dark and romantic. But the more he
took Mr. Snarry into the whirl of gaiety, the more sad did that gen-
tleman become. He preferred lonely walks, and at eventide would
start forth to commune with nature, in cloth boots and a blouse ;
and, like the lovelorn Arcite, if he heard song or instrument about
the house, he would weep without avail, so feeble were his spirits.
What between Mr. Jollit's voice, and Mr. Fipps's flute and flageolet,
frequent opportunities were afforded him of doing so, which increased
rather than diminished his passion ; indeed, he one day wandered
into the fields with the intention of weaving a chaplet of wild flowers,
only in the first place he did not know how to do it, and in the
second^ if he had, he could not find any. And so the expedition was
a failure.

** I say, Snarry," said Mr. Jollit, one fine afternoon, when his
friend returned from a stroll, '* here 's a lark I I met Hankins and
his wife, and Mrs. Hankins's sister, to-day on Windmill Hill. They
came down here on Monday, and they want to get up a picnic."

** Pic-nics are not for me," answered Mr. Snarry, sadly.

<< Oh, nonsense I" said Joe : '* I have said we '11 join it, so you
must try and see Bam to-morrow, when you go up to London.
Pratt 's safe, I should think, and so 's Bodle, if he is not within the
rules of Mrs. Chicksand."

<* And I," said Snarry, *' shall walk into the joyous circle like the
ghost of departed mirth."

*' Pooh ! pooh I" replied Joe, "you '11 walk into the lobster salad a
great deal better. I diink we ought to ask Fipps — eh ? He '11 bring
his pipe, vou know."

** By all means," returned Snarry : <* I like Fipps ; he is quiet, and
suits my soul. And he has learnt not to believe in happiness."

Mr. Joe Jollit was certainly invaluable in arranging parties. With**




in two days, he had worked so hard> that he had not only collected
twenty or thirty people together, including several regular patrons of
the Topaz steamer, but he had confidentially imparted to each what
they were expected to bring. Mr. Fipps he let off cheap, with the
rolls and lettuces^ in consideration of his musical attainments : Mr.
Snarry received hints of bottled porter and British champagne:
Mrs. Hankins and her sister agreed conjointly to furnish a pigeon-
pie and some tarts^ from their own fair hands : and Mr. Bam implored,
almost with tears in his eyes, that he might make the cold punch,
and dress the salad himself.

Mr. Bam was one of those men who think that the compilation of
punch and salad is the great arcanum of life, known to them alone
upon the mighty earth. And on the occasion of dinner-parties at
houses where he was intimate, nervous people^ who bolted by mis-
take into the dining-room instead of going up-stairs, might always
see Mr. Bam at the sideboard, with his cuffs turned up strenuously
high, mashing a hard-boiled egg in a crockery bowl with feverish as-
siduity, or spooning up the dressing and letting it fall again, for
twenty-seven successive times, — that was the exact number; one
more or less would have spoilt it, — in order that it might be mixed
to the exact point of incorporation. And in making punch, Mr.
Bam was so impressed with the grave responsibility of his task, that
the attention required in transmuting metals, or preparing the uni-
versal solvent^ was nothing to it. Delicately exact cubes of sugar
were rubbed on precisely chosen lemons : tea-spoonfuls were poured
into wine-glasses and tasted therefrom every ten seconds : rum was
measured out with medical accuracy, and brandy added with alche-
mical care, until Mr. Bam^ radiant with pride, triumphantly an-
nounced the attainment of perfection. And if after that any rash and
hapless guest timidly suggested the presence of a little more of any-
thing, he was soon sorry that he had spoken. For Mr. Barn's look
of mingled scorn and anger^ when he told him that punch once made
was immutable, drove him into obscurity, from which he never more
emerged. As far as the transmutation and the universal solvent
were concerned, Mr. Bam's punch, when he made it at somebody
else's house, bore affinity, in a manner, to them. For then it was so
strong, that it transmuted previously dull people into amateurs of
parlour magic, and imitators of popular performers ; and as a solvent
loosened the tongues of retiring visitors into the perpetration of comic
songs, interspersed with dialogue illustrative of curious states of
society, where people were constantly asking one another questions
for the purpose of giving smart answers calculated to wound the
feelings, or convey the imputation of exceeding mental inferiority.

The anxiety of preparation had a happy effect upon Mr. Snarry's
shattered spirits: still more so, when Mrs. Hankins's sister would
persist in coming every evening to see if, as a bachelor, Mr. Snarry
did not require some little assistance. And in return, Mr. Joe
Jollit would intrude at Hankins's lodgings when the ladies set about
making the pastry ; and was so funny — Mrs. Hankins's sister never
knew such a mischievous creature. For he insisted upon superintend-
ing the ornamental portion of the confectionary ; and even made a
piecrust statue of Mrs. Hankins's sister's intended, — an imaginary
person, — with currants for his eyes and buttons, md a pigeon's fea-

Digitized by VjDOQIC


tber in his hat, which gave him rather a martial appearance than
otherwise. Then he fashioned a dough heart, as a present for Mr.
Snarry, to supply the place of his own, lately lost ; and the way in
which he ornamented the pie with little frogs, and snipped the edge
with scissors into fanciful ornaments, required to be seen to be un-

Mr. Snarry was admitted to these little meetings, and they re-
lieved his mind. For no one could watch the diverting conceits of
Mr. Joe Jollit without being amused; especially on the last day,
when he once more invaded Hankins's lodgings, and put on an apron
and a tall nightcap, with a tassel on the top, which belonged to
Fipps, to make himself look like the chefde cuisine. And on this oc-
casion he floured the head of the boy who cleaned the shoes and
knives with the dredger, and sent him in this state several times to
the baker's, to caution them lest Mrs. Hankins*s sister's intended
should be done too much, or burnt And lastly, by clandestine leger-
demain, and threatening the life of the aforesaid boy if he ever re-
vealed it, he abstracted the cups from the interior of the two fruit
pies, and supplied their places with something very remarkable, sure
to produce an effect which would be ruined by premature disclosure.
But Mr. Joe Jollit inwardly determined that the pies should be cut
by Fipps,— both of them.

At last, all was arranged. Mr. Bam's brother was a surgeon, just
setting up in practice in the Borough ; and he kindly wrote medical
certi6cate8 for all those who required them. Snarry had palpita-
tion of the heart for two days; Pratt was laid up with any hard
name the practitioner liked to insert ; and Mr. Joe Jollit having suc-
cessively stated that he was labouring under elephantiasis, with the
additional infliction of a bone in his leg, and something green in his
eye, and an access of ' Pelirium Threadneedlens,' consented to be
chimericaily confined to his bed with the ever-serviceable influenza.


The Oravesend party of pleasure, and the fate of Fipps.

There has been from time immemorial a conventional notion,
that all pic-nic and cd fresco parties should end in rain and mi-
sery. But, on the present occasion, such was not the case, for the
weather was lovely, with every prospect of keeping so. The sea-
weed in the passage of Mr. Snarry's lodgings was crisp and rustling;
the parasol of the fashionable lady in the gilt alcove on Mrs. Han-
kins*8 mantel-piece was raised in token of sunshine ; and, better tlian
all, Mr. Fipps's barometer, which was celebrated for foretelling what
never happened, stood at " much rain." On the other hand, to be
sure, there was a gala advertised at the Gardens : but there is no
rule without its exception, and perhaps the gala might prove that

The party was to meet at one o'clock, and then depart for the
spot fixed upon, which was about three miles out of Gravesend.

At the appointed hour everybody had arrived, and almost in
uniform, — the ladies being attired in lined muslins, with shot silk
parasols, and the gentlemen in white trousers and stocks of won-




drous luxury, light blue with gold sprigs being in the ascendant.
Mr. Snarry simply turned down his collars, and wore a black ribbon ;
whilst the pleasant Jollit, in that absence of pride upon which he so
much plumed himself, put on a blouse and straw-hat. Carriages had
been ordered for the ladies, and refreshments, under the care of Mr.
Hawkins and some other Benedicts: but Mr. Jollit pronouncing
these vehicles, in his own dialect, as << ramshackled, '* proposed
donkeys for themselves; which tbe others immediately agreed to,
with Mr. Snarry at the head, whose forced spirits were such that
they approached the hysterical.

Mr. Rasselas Fipps was the last who made his appearance. Joe
Jollit had evidently enjoyed the delay, chuckling at it inwardly, as if
he were conscious of the cause, which was the case. For the funny
gentleman, having risen betimes, had seen Mr. Fipps's glazed boots
standing like sentinels at his chamber door, and had wantonly placed
in each a handful of live shrimps, which lively Crustacea were produc-
tive of consecutive alarm, anger, and exertion, before the toilet was
accomplished^ and subsequently pervaded the entire house after their
ejection. But Fipps had recovered his usual placidity by the proper
time of meeting, having put on another pair, nearly as good-looking,
but a little older, with a small hole at the sole, from which a species
of dusty firework shot out every time they were drawn on. And
they also, from the same cause, made a noise when he walked, some-
thing between a toy bellows dog and a cuckoo : but this, in Jollit*8
opinion increased the hilarity.

The donkeys were led up to the door by the retainers, and fol-
lowed by a throng of boys, who entered into the proceedings with the
highest glee. Funny gentlemen always want an audience to come
out "rich/* and these boys were quite enough to draw Mr. Jo«
Jollit forth, and make him go through a variety of performances,
equestrian and otherwise, before he started, amidst the cheers of the
spectators. And then bidding Mr. Fipps play something martial on
his flageolet, which Mr. Fipps immediately did, with the air of a
man knowing he is making a fool of himself but afraid to refuse, the
party set off along Windmill Street, preceded and surrounded by the
boys. The steed of Mr. Joe Jollit, familiarly termed " Bottle" by the
owner, was so decked with fern, that it looked like Birnam Wood out
for a ride ; and its hilarious ruler had muzzled its mouth with a strap,
placing a short pipe therein, as well as tied a pocket-handkerchief
over its head. And there was a mysterious bundle hanging from the
saddle, which sometimes moved, as if its contents were uneasy in their
minds, or annoyed by each' other's society. But nobody knew what
these might be. And so was the setting forth accomplished ; Mr.
Fipps being placed at the head with his music, — a position assigned
to him, ostensibly on the authority of Chaucer, for whom he alwavs
professed great reverence ; but in reality to bear the weight of the
complimentary salutations from the urchins who accompanied the
cortege. Next followed the Jollit : then Snarry and his friends; and
lastly, the boy at the lodgings, riding in great trepidation, with a

Online LibraryCharles DickensBentley's miscellany → online text (page 1 of 86)