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Obliged to two architect's apprentices — fellows
who measure earth with iron chains, and build
houses like bricklayers. Give me the names of
those two apprentices. How dare they oblige
me ? "

Mr. Tigg was quite lost in admiration of this
noble trait in his friend's character ; as he made
known to Mr. Pinch in a neat little ballet of action,
spontaneously invented for the purpose.

" I'll let 'em know, and I'll let all men know,"
cried Chevy Slyme, •' that I'm none of the mean,
grovelling, tame characters they meet with com-
monly. I have an independent spirit. I have a
heart that swells in my bosom. I have a soul that
rises superior to base considerations."

"Oh, Chiv, Chiv," murmured Mr. Tigg, "you
have a nobly independent nature, Chiv ! "

" You go and do your duty, sir," said Mr. Slyme
angrily, " and borrow money for travelling ex-
penses ; and whoever you borrow it of, let 'em know
that I possess a haughty spirit, and a proud spirit,
and have infernally finely touched chords in my
nature, which won't brook patronage. Do you hear ?
Tell 'em I hate 'em, and that that's the way I pre-
serve my self-respect; and tell 'em that no man
ever respected himself more than I do ! "

He might have added that he hated two sorts of
men: all those who did him favors, and all those
who were better off than himself ; as in either case
their position was an insult to a man of his stupen-



MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. 167

dous merits. But he did not; for with the apt
closing words above recited, Mr. Slyme — of too
haughty a stomach to work, to beg, to borrow, or to
steal ; yet mean enough to be worked or borrowed,
begged or stolen for, by any cat's-paw that would
serve his turn ; too insolent to lick the hand that
fed him in his need, yet cur enough to bite and tear
it in the dark — with these apt closing words Mr.
Slyme fell forward with his head upon the table,
and so declined into a sodden sleep.

"Was there ever," cried Mr. Tigg, joining the
young men at the door, and shutting it carefully
behind him, "such an independent spirit as is pos-
sessed by that extraordinary creature ? Was there
ever such a Koman as our friend Chiv ? Was there
ever a man of such a purely classical turn of thought,
and of such a toga-like simplicity of nature ? Was
there ever a man with such a flow of eloquence ?
Might he not, gents both, I ask, have sat upon a
tripod in the ancient times, and prophesied to a
perfectly unlimited extent, if previously supplied
with gin and water at the public cost ? "

Mr. Pinch was about to contest this latter posi-
tion with his usual mildness, when, observing that
his companion had already gone downstairs, he pre-
pared to follow him.

" You are not going, Mr. Pinch ? " said Tigg.

"Thank you," answered Tom. "Yes. Don't
come down."

" Do you know that I should like one little word
in private with you, Mr. Pinch ? " said Tigg, fol-
lowing him. " One minute of your company in the
skittle-ground would very much relieve my mind.
Might I beseech that favor ? "



168 MARTIN CHTJZZLEWIT.

" Oh, certainly," replied Tom, "if you really wish
it." So he accompanied Mr. Tigg to the retreat in
question : on arriving at which place that gentle-
man took from his hat what seemed to be the fossil
remains of an antediluvian pocket-handkerchief,
and wiped his eyes therewith.

"You have not beheld me this day," said Mr.
Tigg, "in a favorable light."

" Don't mention that," said Tom, " I beg."

" But you have wo^," cried Tigg. " I must persist
in that opinion. If you could have seen me, Mr.
Pinch, at the head of my regiment on the coast of
Africa, charging in the form of a hollow square with
the women and children and the regimental plate-
chest in the centre, you would not have known me
for the same man. You would have respected me,
sir."

Tom had certain ideas of his own upon the sub-
ject of glory ; and consequently he was not quite
so much excited by this picture as Mr. Tigg could
have desired.

" But no matter ! " said that gentleman. " The
schoolboy writing home to his parents and describ-
ing the milk and water, said, ' This is indeed weak-
ness.' I repeat that assertion in reference to myself
at the present moment : and I ask your pardon.
Sir, you have seen my friend Slyme ? "

" No doubt," said Mr. Pinch.

"Sir, you have been impressed by my friend
Slyme ? "

" Not very pleasantly, I must say," answered Tom,
after a little hesitation.

" I am grieved, but not surprised," cried Mr. Tigg,
detaining him by both lapels, "to hear that you



MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. 169

have come to that conclusion ; for it is my own.
But, Mr, Pinch, though I am a rough and thought-
less man, I can honor Mind. I honor Mind in fol-
lowing my friend. To you of all men, Mr. Pinch, I
have a right to make appeal on Mind's behalf, when
it has not the art to push its fortune in the world.
And so, sir, — not for myself, who have no claim
upon you, but for my crushed, my sensitive and
independent friend, who has — I ask the loan of
three half-crowns. I ask you for the loan of three
half-crowns, distinctly, and without a blush. I ask
it, almost as a right. And when I add that they
will be returned by post, this week, I feel that you
will blame me for that sordid stipulation."

Mr. Pinch took from his pocket an old-fashioned
red-leather purse with a steel clasp, which had prob-
ably once belonged to his deceased grandmother. It
held one half-sovereign and no more. All Tom's
worldly wealth until next quarter-day,

" Stay ! " cried Mr. Tigg, who had watched this
proceeding keenly. " I was just about to say, that
for the convenience of posting you had better make
it gold. Thank you, A general direction, I sup-
pose, to Mr. Pinch, at Mr. Pecksniff's — will that
find you ? "

"That'll find me," said Tom. "You had better
put Esquire to Mr. Pecksniff's name, if you please.
Direct to me, you know, at Seth Pecksniff's, Esquire."

" At Seth Pecksniff's, Esquire," repeated Mr. Tigg,
taking an exact note of it with a stump of pencil.
" We said this week, I believe ? "

" Yes : or Monday will do," observed Tom.

"No, no, I beg your pardon. Monday will not
do," said Mr. Tigg. " If we stipulated for this



170 MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT.

week, Saturday is the latest day. Did we stipulate
for this week ? "

" Since you are so particular about it," said Tom,
" I think we did."

Mr. Tigg added this condition to his memoran-
dum ; read the entry over to himself with a severe
frown ; and that the transaction might be the more
correct and business-like, appended his initials to
the whole. That done, he assured Mr. Pinch that
everything was now perfectly regular ; and, after
squeezing his hand with great fervor, departed.

Tom entertained enough suspicion that Martin
might possibly turn this interview into a jest, to
render him desirous to avoid the company of that
young gentleman for the present. "With this view
he took a few turns up and down the skittle-ground,
and did not re-enter the house until Mr. Tigg and
his friend had quitted it, and the new pupil and
Mark were watching their departure from one of
the windows.

" I was just a-saying, sir, that if one could live
by it," observed Mark, pointing after their late
guests, " that would be the sort of service for me.
Waiting on such individuals as them would be
better than grave-digging, sir."

" And staying here would be better than either,
Mark," replied Tom. "So take my advice, and
continue to swim easily in smooth water."

"It's too late to take it now, sir," said Mark.
"I have broke it to her, sir. I am off to-morrow
morning."

« Off ! " cried Mr. Pinch, « where to ? "

" I shall go up to London, sir."

" What to be ? " asked Mr. Pinch.



MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. 171

"Well! I don't know yet, sir. Nothing turned
up that day I opened my mind to you, as was at
all likely to suit me. All them trades I thought
of was a deal too jolly ; there was no credit at all to
be got in any of 'em. I must look for a private
service, I suppose, sir. I might be brought out
strong, perhaps, in a serious family, Mr. Pinch."

" Perhaps you might come out rather too strong
for a serious family's taste, Mark."

" That's possible, sir. If I could get into a
wicked family, I might do myself justice : but the
difficulty is to make sure of one's ground, because a
young man can't very well advertise that he wants
a place, and wages ain't so much an object as a
wicked sitivation ; can he, sir ? "

"Why, no," said Mr. Pinch, "I don't think he
can."

"An envious family," pursued Mark, with a
thoughtful face ; " or a quarrelsome family, or a
malicious family, or even a good out-and-out mean
family, would open a field of action as I might do
something in. The man as would have suited me
of all other men was that old gentleman as was
took ill here, for he really was a trying customer.
Howsever, I must wait and see what turns up, sir ;
and hope for the worst."

" You are determined to go, then ? " said Mr.
Pinch,

" My box is gone already, sir, by the wagon, and
I'm going to walk on to-morrow morning, and get
a lift by the day coach when it overtakes me. So
I wish you good-by, Mr. Pinch — and you, too, sir
— and all good-luck and happiness ! "

They both returned his greeting laughingly, and



172 MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT.

walked home arm in arm : Mr. Pinch imparting to
his new friend, as they went, such further particu-
lars of Mark Tapley's whimsical restlessness as the
reader is already acquainted with.

In the meantime, Mark, having a shrewd notion
that his mistress was in very low spirits, and that
he could not exactly answer for the consequences of
any lengthened tete-a-tete in the bar, kept himself
cbstinately out of her way all the afternoon and
evening. In this piece of generalship he was very
much assisted by the great influx of company into
the taproom ; for the news of his intention having
gone abroad, there was a perfect throng there all
the evening, and much drinking of healths and
clinking of mugs. At length the house was closed
for the night; and there being now no help for it,
Mark put the best face he could upon the matter,
and walked doggedly to the bar-door.

" If I look at her," said Mark to himself, « I'm
done. I feel that I'm going fast."

" You have come at last," said Mrs. Lupin.

Ay, Mark said : there he was.

" And you are determined to leave us, Mark ? "
cried Mrs. Lupin.

"Why, yes; I am," said Mark; keeping his eyes
hard upon the floor.

" I thought," pursued the landlady, with the most
engaging hesitation, "that you had been — fond —
of the Dragon ? "

" So I am," said Mark.

" Then," pursued the hostess — and it really was
not an unnatural inquiry, " why do you desert it ? "

But as he gave no manner of answer to this ques-
tion; not even on its being repeated; Mrs. Lupin



MABTIN CHCZZLEWIT. 173

put his money into his hand, and asked him — not
unkindly, quite the contrary — what he would take.

It is proverbial that there are certain things
which tlesh and blood cannot bear. Such a ques-
tion as this, propounded in such a manner, at such
a time, and by such a person, proved (at least, as
far as Mark's tlesh and blood were concerned) to be
one of them. He looked up in spite of himself
directly ; and having once looked up, there was no
looking down again; for of all the tight, plump,
buxom, bright-eyed, dimple-faced landladies that
ever shone on earth, there stood before him then,
bodily in that bar, the very pink and pine-apple.

" Why, I tell you what,"' said Mark, throwing off
all his constraint in an instant, and seizing the
hostess round the waist — at which she was not at
all alarmed, for she knew what a good young man
he was — "if I took what I liked most, I should
take you. If I only thought of what was best for
me, I should take you. If I took what nineteen
young fellows in twenty would be glad to take, and
would take at any price, I should take you. Yes, I
should," cried ^Ir. Tapley, shaking his head, expres-
sively enough, and looking (in a momentary state of
forgetfulness) rather hard at the hostess's ripe lips.
" And no man wouldn't wonder if I did ! "

Mrs. Lupin said he amazed her. She was aston-
ished how he could say such things. She had never
thought it of him.

" Why, I never thought it of myself till now ! "
said Mark, raising his eyebrows with a look of the
merriest possible surprise. "I always expected we
should part, and never have no explanation ; I meant
to do it when I come in here just now j but there's



174 MAKTTX CHUZZLZWIT.

something about you as makes a man sensible.
Then let us have a word or two together : letting it
be understood beforehand" — he added this in a
grave tone, to prevent the possibility of any mis-
take — '• that I"m not a-going to make no love, you
know."'

There was for just one second a shade — though
not by any means a dark one — on the landlady's
open brow. But it passed off instantly, in a laugh
that came from her very heart.

■■• Oh. very good I " she said : •• if there is to be no
love-makinsr. vou had better take your arm awav."

*• Lord, why should I ? ''" cried ^ark. •• It's quite
innocent.'"

"Of course it's innocent." returned the hostess,
•'•or I shouldn't allow it."

•• Very well ! " said Mark. •• Then let it be."

There was so much reason in this, that the land-
lady laughed again, suffered it to remain, and bade
him say what he had to say. and be quick about
it. But he was an impudent fellow, she added.

•'• Ha. ha ! I almost think I am 1 " cried Mark,
'•' though I never thought so before. Why, I can
say anything to-night I ''

'•' Say what you're going to say. if you please, and
be quick." returned the landlady, "for I want to
get to bed.''

••Why. then, my dear good soul." said Mark,
••and a kinder woman than you are never drawed
breath — let me see the man as says she did —
what would be the likely consequence of us two
being — "

•'•Oh. nonsense I'' cried Mrs. Lupin. •'• Don't talk
about that anv more."



MAETES* CHUZZLEWIT. 175

'• Xo. no, but it ain't nonsense," said 3Iark; '•'and
I ^sh you'd attend- What would be the likely
consequence of us two rried? If I can't

be content and comi : : .n this here lively

Dragon now, is it to h^ L .kcd for as I should be
then ? By no means. Very good- Then you,
even with your good-humor, would be always on
the fret and worrit, always uncomfortable in your
own mind, always a-thinking as you was getting too
old for my taste, always a-picturing me to yourself
as being chained up to the Dragon door, and want-
ing to break away. I don't know that it would be
so,'' said Mark, " but I don't know that it mightn't
be. I am a roving sort of chap. I know. I'm fond
of change. I'm always a-thinking that with my
good health and spirits, it would be more creditable
in me to be jolly where there's things a-going on to
make one dismal. It may be a mistake of mine,
you see, but nothing short of trying how it acts
will set it right. Then ain't it best that I should
go : particular when your free way has helped me
out to say all this, and we can part as good friends
as we have ever been since first I ent-ered this here
noble Dragon, which," said ^ilr. T^: - .n conclu-
sion, "has my good word and my r ; 1 ~ :sr.. ro the
day of my death ? "

The hostess sat q;iite silent for a little time, but
she very soon put both her hands in Mark's and
shook them heartily.

'• For you are a good man," she said ; looking
into his face with a smile, which was rather serious
for her. •• And I do believe have been a better
friend to me to-night than ever I have had in all
my life."



176 MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT.

"Oh! as to that, you know," said Mark, "that's
nonsense. But love my heart alive ! " he added,
looking at her in a sort of rapture, " if you are that
way disposed, what a lot of suitable husbands there
is as you may drive distracted ! "

She laughed again at this compliment ; and once
more shaking him by both hands, and bidding him,
if he should ever want a friend, to remember her,
turned gayly from the little bar and up the Dragon
staircase.

" Humming a tune as she goes," said Mark, listen-
ing, "in case I should think she's at all put out,
and should be made down-hearted. Come, here's
some credit in being jolly, at last ! "

With that piece of comfort, very ruefully uttered,
he went, in anything but a jolly manner, to bed.

He rose early next morning, and was afoot soon
after sunrise. But it was of no use ; the whole
place was up to see Mark Tapley off : the boys, the
dogs, the children, the old men, the busy people,
and the idlers ; there they were, all calling out,
" Good-by, Mark," after their own manner, and all
sorry he was going. Somehow he had a kind of
sense that his old mistress was peeping from her
chamber window, but he couldn't make up his mind
to look back.

" Good-by one, good-by all ! " cried Mark, wav-
ing his hat on the top of his walking-stick, as he
strode at a quick pace up the little street. " Hearty
chaps them wheelwrights — hurrah ! Here's the
butcher's dog a-coming out of the garden — down,
old fellow ! And Mr. Pinch a-going to his organ —
good-by, sir ! And the terrier-bitch from over the
way — hie, then, lass ! And children enough to



MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. 177

hand down human natur to the latest posterity —
good-by, boys and girls ! There's some credit in
it now. I'm a-coming out strong at last. These
are the circumstances that would try a ordinary
mind ; but I'm uncommon jolly, not quite as jolly
as I could wish to be, but very near. Good-by !
good-by ! "

VOL. I. -12.



CHAPTER VIII.

ACCOMPANIES MR. PECKSNIFF AND HIS CHARMING
DAUGHTERS TO THE CITY OF LONDON; AND RE-
LATES WHAT FELL OUT UPON THEIR WAY THITHER.



When Mr. Pecksniff and the two young ladies
got into the heavy coach at the end of the lane,
they found it empty, which was a great comfort ;
particularly as the outside was quite full and the
passengers looked very frosty. For as Mr. Peck-
sniff justly observed — when he and his daughters
had burrowed their feet deep in the straw, wrapped
themselves to the chin, and pulled up both windows
— it is always satisfactory to feel, in keen weather,
that many other people are not as warm as you are.
And this, he said, was quite natural, and a very
beautiful arrangement ; not confined to coaches,
but extending itself into many social ramifications.
" For " (he observed) " if every one were warm and
well fed, we should lose the satisfaction of admir-
ing the fortitude with which certain conditions of
men bear cold and hunger. And if we were no
better off than anybody else, what would become
of our sense of gratitude ? which," said Mr. Peck-
sniff with tears in his eyes, as he shook his fist at
a beggar who wanted to get up behind, " is one of
the holiest feelings of our common nature."



MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. 179

His children heard with becoming reverence
these moral precepts from the lips of their father,
and signified their acquiescence in the same by-
smiles. That he might the better feed and cherish
that sacred flame of gratitude in his breast, Mr.
Pecksniff remarked that he would trouble his eld-
est daughter, even in this early stage of their jour-
ney, for the brandy-bottle. And from the narrow
neck of that stone vessel, he imbibed a copious
refreshment.

"What are we?" said Mr. Pecksniff, "but
coaches ? Some of us are slow coaches — "

" Goodness, pa ! " cried Charity.

"Some of us, I say," resumed her parent with
increased emphasis, " are slow coaches ; some of us
are fast coaches. Our passions are the horses ; and
rampant animals too — "

'' Keally, pa ! " cried both the daughters at once.
" How very unpleasant ! "

"And rampant animals too!" repeated Mr. Peck-
sniff, with so much determination, that he may be
said to have exhibited, at the moment, a sort of
moral rampancy himself : " and Virtue is the drag.
We start from The Mother's Arms, and we run to
The Dust Shovel."

When he had said this, Mr. Pecksniff, being
exhausted, took some further refreshment. When
he had done that, he corked the bottle tight, with
the air of a man who had effectually corked the
subject also ; and went to sleep for three stages.

The tendency of mankind, when it falls asleep in
coaches, is to wake up cross ; to find its legs in its
way ; and its corns an aggravation. Mr. Pecksniff
not being exempt from the common lot of humanity,



180 MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT.

found himself, at the end of his nap, so decidedly
the victim of these infirmities, that he had an irre-
sistible inclination to visit them upon his daughters ;
which he had already begun to do in the shape of
divers random kicks, and other unexpected motions
of his shoes, when the coach stopped, and after a
short delay, the door was opened.

" Now mind," said a thin sharp voice in the dark.
" I and my son go inside, because the roof is full,
but you agree only to charge us outside prices. It's
quite understood that we won't pay more. Is it ? "

" All right, sir," replied the guard.

'' Is there anybody inside now ? " inquired the
voice.

" Three passengers," returned the guard.

''Then I ask the three passengers to witness this
bargain, if they will be so good," said the voice.
" My boy, I think we may safely get in."

In pursuance of which opinion, two people took
their seats in the vehicle, which was solemnly
licensed by Act of Parliament to carry any six per-
sons who, could be got in at the door.

" That was lucky ! " whispered the old man,
when they moved on again. " And a great stroke
of policy in you to observe it. He, he, he ! We
couldn't have gone outside. I should have died of
the rheumatism ! "

Whether it occurred to the dutiful son that he
had in some degree overreached himself by con-
tributing to the prolongation of his father's days ;
or whether the cold had affected his temper ; is
doubtful. But he gave his father such a nudge in
reply, that that good old gentleman was taken with
a cough which lasted for full five minutes, without



MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. 181

intermission, and goaded Mr, Pecksniff to that
pitch of irritation, that he said at last — and very
suddenly, —

" There is no room ! There is really no room in
this coach for any gentleman with a cold in his
head ! "

'' Mine," said the old man, after a moment's pause,
"is upon my chest, Pecksniff."

The voice and manner, together, now that he
spoke out ; the composure of the speaker ; the
presence of his son ; and his knowledge of Mr.
Pecksniff ; afforded a clew to his identity which it
was impossible to mistake.

" Hem ! I thought," said Mr. Pecksniff, return-
ing to his usual mildness, "that I addressed a
stranger. I find that I address a relative. Mr.
Anthony Chuzzlewit and his son Mr. Jonas — for
they, my dear children, are our travelling compan-
ions — will excuse me for an apparently harsh
remark. It is not my desire to wound the feelings
of any person with whom I am connected in family
bonds. I may be a Hypocrite," said Mr. Pecksniff
cuttingly, " but I am not a Brute."

" Pooh, pooh ! " said the old man. " What signi-
fies that word, Pecksniff ? Hypocrite ! Why, we
are all hypocrites. We were all hypocrites t'other
day, I am sure I felt that to be agreed upon among
us, or I shouldn't have called you one. We should
not have been there at all, if we had not been hypo-
crites. The only difference between you and the
rest was — shall I tell you the difference between
you and the rest now, Pecksniff ? "

" If you please, my good sir ; if you please."

"Why, the annoying quality in you is," said the



182 MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT.

old man, "that you never have a confederate or
partner in your juggling ; you would deceive every-
body, even those who practise the same art ; and
have a way with you, as if you — he, he, he ! — as
if you really believed yourself. I'd lay a handsome
wager now," said the old man, " if I laid wagers,
which I don't and never did, that you keep up
appearances by a tacit understanding, even before
your own daughters here. Now I, when I have a
business scheme in hand, tell Jonas what it is,
and we discuss it openly. You're not offended,
Pecksniff ? "

" Offended, my good sir ! " cried that gentleman,
as if he had received the highest comj)liments that
language could convey.

" Are you travelling to London, Mr, Pecksniff ? "
asked the son.

" Yes, Mr. Jonas, we are travelling to London.
We shall have the pleasure of your company all the
way, I trust ? "


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