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leather, which contained his clothes, linen, brushes,
shaving apparatus, books, trinkets, and other bag-



MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. 385

gage. He likewise stuck his hands deep into his
pockets, and walked the deck with his nostrils
dilated, as already inhaling the air of Freedom
which carries death to all tyrants, and can never
(under any circumstances worth mentioning) be
breathed by slaves. An English gentleman who
was strongly suspected of having run away from a
bank, with something in his possession belonging to
its strong-box besides the key, grew eloquent upon
the subject of the rights of man, and hummed the
Marseillaise Hymn constantly. In a word, one great
sensation pervaded the whole ship, and the soil of
America lay close before them : so close at last,
that upon a certain starlight night, they took a
pilot on board, and within a few hours afterwards
lay to until the morning, awaiting the arrival of a
steamboat in which the passengers were to be con-
veyed ashore.

Off she came, soon after it was light next morn-
ing, and, lying alongside an hour or more — during
which period her very firemen were objects of
hardly less interest and curiosity, than if they had
been so many angels, good or bad — took all her
living freight aboard. Among them, Mark, who
still had his friend and her three children under
his close protection ; and Martin, who had once
more dressed himself in his usual attire, but wore
a soiled old cloak above his ordinary clothes, until
such time as he should separate forever from his
late companions.

The steamer — which, with its machinery on

deck, looked, as it worked its long slim legs, like

some enormously magnified insect or antediluvian

monster — dashed at great speed up a beautiful bay j

VOL. I. -25.



386 MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT.

and presently they saw some lieigMs, and islands,
and a long, flat, straggling city.

" And this," said Mr. Tapley, looking far ahead,
" is the Land of Liberty, is it ? Very well. I'm
agreeable. Any land will do for me, after so much
water ! "



CHAPTER XVI.

MARTIN DISEMBARKS FROM THAT NOBLE AND FAST-
SAILING LINE-OF-PACKET SHIP, THE SCREW, AT
THE PORT OF NEW YORK, IN THE UNITED STATES
OF AMERICA. — HE MAKES SOME ACQUAINTANCES,
AND DINES AT A BOARDING-HOUSE. — THE PARTIC-
ULARS OF THOSE TRANSACTIONS.

Some trifling excitement prevailed upon the very-
brink and margin of the land of liberty; for an
alderman had been elected the day before; and
party feeling naturally running rather high on such an
exciting occasion, the friends of the disappointed
candidate had found it necessary to assert the great
principles of Purity of Election and Freedom of
Opinion by breaking a few legs and arms, and
furthermore pursuing one obnoxious gentleman
through the streets with the design of slitting his
nose. These good-humored little outbursts of the
popular fancy were not in themselves sufficiently
remarkable to create any great stir, after the lapse
of a whole night; but they found fresh life and
notoriety in the breath of the newsboys, who not
only proclaimed them with shrill yells in all the
highways and byways of the town, upon the wharves
and among the shipping, but on the deck and down



388 MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT.

in the cabins of the steamboat ; which, before she
touched the shore, was boarded and overrun by a
legion of those young citizens.

" Here's this morning's New York Sewer ! " cried
one. "Here's this morning's New York Stabber!
Here's the New York Family Spy ! Here's the
New York Private Listener ! Here's the New York
Peeper ! Here's the New York Plunderer ! Here's
the New York Keyhole Eeporter ! Here's the New
York Eowdy Journal! Here's all the New York
papers ! Here's full particulars of the patriotic
locofoco movement yesterday, in which the whigs
was so chawed up ; and the last Alabama gouging
case ; and the interesting Arkansas dooel with
Bowie knifes ; and all the Political, Commercial,
and Fashionable News. Here they are ! Here
they are ! Here's the papers, here's the papers ! "

" Here's the Sewer ! " cried another. " Here's the
New York Sewer ! Here's some of the twelfth
thousand of to-day's Sewer, with the best account
of the markets, and all the shipping news, and four
whole columns of country correspondence, and a
full account of the Ball at Mrs. White's last night,
where all the beauty and fashion of New York was
assembled : with the Sewer's own particulars of the
private lives of all the ladies that was there !
Here's the Sewer ! Here's some of the twelfth
thousand of the New York Sewer ! Here's the
Sewer's exposure of the Wall-Street Gang, and
the Sewer's exposure of the Washington Gang, and
the Sewer's exclusive account of a flagrant act of
dishonesty committed by the Secretary of State
when he was eight years old ; now communicated, at
a great expense, by his own nurse. Here's the Sewer !



MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. 389

Here's tlie New York Sewer, in its twelfth thousand,
with a whole column of New Yorkers to be shown
up, and all their names printed ! Here's the Sewer's
article upon the Judge that tried him, day afore
yesterday, for libel, and the Sewer's tribute to the
independent jury that didn't convict him, and the
Sewer's account of what they might have expected
if they had ! Here's the Sewer, here's the Sewer !
Here's the wide-awake Sewer ; always on the look-
out ; the leading Journal of the United States, now
in its twelfth thousand, and still a-printing off : ^
Here's the New York Sewer ! "

"It is in such enlightened means," said a voice
almost in Martin's ear, " that the bubbling passions
of my country find a vent."

Martin turned involuntarily, and saw, standing
close at his side, a sallow gentleman, with sunken
cheeks, black hair, small twinkling eyes, and singular
expression hovering about that region of his face,
which was not a frown, nor a leer, and yet might
have been mistaken at the first glance for either.
Indeed it would have been difficult, on a much closer
acquaintance, to describe it in any more satisfac-
tory terms than as a mixed expression of vulgar
cunning and conceit. This gentleman wore a rather
broad-brimmed hat for the greater wisdom of his ap-
pearance ; and had his arms folded for the greater
impressiveness of his attitude. He was somewhat
shabbily dressed in a blue surtout reaching nearly
to his ankles, short loose trousers of the same color,
and a faded buff waistcoat, through which a dis-
colored shirt-frill struggled to force itself into
notice, as asserting an equality of civil rights with
the other portions of his dress, and maintaining a



390 IklARTIN CHUZZLEWIT.

declaration of Independence on its o-^vn account.
His feet, which were of unusually large proportions,
were leisurely crossed before him as he half leaned
against, half sat upon, the steamboat's bulwark ;
and his thick cane, shod with a mightv ferrule at one
end and armed with a great metal knob at the other,
depended from a line and tassel on his wrist. Thus
attired, and thus composed into an aspect of great
profundity, the gentleman twitched up the right-
hand corner of his mouth and his right eye simulta-
neously, and said, once more, —

" It is in such enlightened means that the bubbling
passions of my country find a vent."

As he looked at ^lartin and nobody else was by,
Martin inclined his head, and said, —

" You allude to — "

"To the Palladium of rational Liberty at home,
sir, and the dread of Foreign oppression abroad,"
returned the gentleman, as he pointed with his cane
to an uncommonly dirty newsboy with one eye.
" To the Envy of the world, sir, and the leaders of
Human Civilization. Let me ask you, sir," he
added, bringing the ferrule of his stick heavily
upon the deck with the air of a man who must
not be equivocated with, ''how do you like my
Country ? "

" I am hardly prepared to answer that question
yet," said Martin, " seeing that I have not been
ashore."

"Well, I should expect you were not prepared,
sir," said the gentleman, " to behold such signs of
National Prosperity as those ? "

He pointed to the vessels lying at the wharves :
and then gave a vague flourish with his stick, as if



MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. 391

he would include the air and water, generally, in this
remark.

" Really," said Martin, " I don't know. Yes. I
think I was."

The gentleman glanced at him with a knowing
look, and said he liked his policy. It was natural,
he said, and it pleased him as a philosopher to
observe the prejudices of human nature.

" You have brought, I see, sir," he said, turning
round towards Martin, and resting his chin on the
top of his stick, " the usual amount of misery and
poverty, and ignorance and crime, to be located in
the bosom of the Great Republic. Well, sir! let
'em come on in shiploads from the old country.
When vessels are about to founder, the rats are said
to leave 'em. There is considerable of truth, I find,
in that remark."

" The old ship will keep afloat a year or two
longer yet, perhaps," said Martin with a smile,
partly occasioned by what the gentleman said, and
partly by his manner of saying it, which was odd
enough, for he emphasized all the small words and
syllables in his discourse, and left the others to take
care of themselves ; as if he thought the larger
parts of speech could be trusted alone, but the little
ones required to be constantly looked after.

"Hope is said by the poet, sir," observed the
gentleman, "to be the nurse of Young Desire."

Martin signified that he had heard of the cardinal
virtue in question serving occasionally in that
domestic capacity.

"She will not rear her infant in the present
instance, sir, you'll find," observed the gentleman.

"Time will show," said Martin.



392 MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT.

The gentleman nodded his head gravely; and
said, ''What is your name, sir ? "

Martin told him.

" How old are you, sir ? "

Martin told him.

"What is your profession, sir ? "

Martin told him that, also.

"What is your destination, sir?" inquired the
gentleman.

" Keally," said Martin, laughing, " I can't satisfy
you in that particular, for I don't know it myself."

" Yes ? " said the gentleman.

" No," said Martin.

The gentleman adjusted his cane under his left
arm, and took a more deliberate and complete survey
of Martin than he had yet had leisure to make.
When he had completed his inspection, he put out
his right hand, shook Martin's hand, and said, —

" My name is Colonel Diver, sir. I am the Editor
of the New York Kowdy Journal."

Martin received the communication with that
degree of respect which an announcement so dis-
tinguished appeared to demand.

"The New York Kowdy Journal, sir," resumed
the colonel, " is, as I expect you know, the organ
of our aristocracy in this city."

" Oh ! there is an aristocracy here, then ? " said
Martin. "Of what is it composed?"

"Of intelligence, sir," replied the colonel; "of
intelligence and virtue. And of their necessary
consequence in this republic — dollars, sir."

Martin was very glad to hear this, feeling well as-
sured that if intelligence and virtue led, as a matter
of course, to the acquisition of dollars, he would



MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. 393

speedily become a great capitalist. He was about
to express the gratification such news afforded him,
when he was interrupted by the captain of the
ship, who came up at the moment to shake hands
with the colonel ; and who, seeing a well-dressed
stranger on the deck (for Martin had thrown aside
his cloak), shook hands with him also. This was an
unspeakable relief to Martin, who, in spite of the
acknowledged supremacy of Intelligence and Virtue
in that happy country, would have been deeply
mortified to appear before Colonel Diver in the poor
character of a steerage passenger.

" Well, cap'en ! " said the colonel.

" Well, colonel ! " cried the captain. " You're
looking most uncommon bright, sir. I can hardly
realize its being you, and that's a fact."

" A good passage, cap'en ? " inquired the colonel,
taking him aside.

" Well, now ! It was a pretty spanking run, sir,"
said, or rather sung, the captain, who was a genuine
New Englander : " con-siderin' the weather."

" Yes ? " said the colonel.

" Well ! It was, sir," said the captain. " I've
just now sent a boy up to your office with the pass-
enger-list, colonel."

"You haven't got another boy to spare, p'raps,
cap'en ? " said the colonel, in a tone almost amount-
ing to severity.

"I guess there air a dozen if you want 'em,
colonel," said the captain.

" One moderate big 'un could convey a dozen of
champagne, perhaps," observed the colonel, musing,
" to my office. You said a spanking run, I think ? "

'' Well ! so I did," was the reply.



394 MAKTIN CHUZZLEWIT.

" It's very nigh, you know," observed the colonel.
"I'm glad it was a spanking run, cap'en. Don't
mind about quarts, if you're short of 'em. The boy
can as well bring four and twenty pints, and travel
twice as once. — A first-rate spanker, cap'en, was it ?
Yes ? "

" A most e — tarnal spanker," said the skipper.

"I admire at your good fortun', cap'en. You
might loan me a corkscrew at the same time, and
half a dozen glasses if you liked. However bad
the elements combine against my country's noble
packet-ship, the Screw, sir," said the colonel, turn-
ing to Martin, and drawing a flourish on the surface
of the deck with his cane, " her passage either way,
is almost certain to eventuate a spanker ! "

The captain, who had the Sewer below at that
moment, lunching expensively in one cabin, while
the amiable Stabber was drinking himself into a
state of blind madness in another, took a cordial
leave of his friend the colonel, and hurried away to
despatch the champagne : well knowing (as it after-
wards appeared) that if he failed to conciliate the
editor of the Eowdy Journal, that potentate would
denounce him and his ship in large capitals before
he was a day older ; and would probably assault the
memory of his mother also, who had not been dead
more than twenty years. The colonel being left
alone with Martin, checked him as he was moving
away, and ofEered, in consideration of his being an
Englishman, to show him the town, and to introduce
him, if such were his desire, to a genteel boarding-
house. But before they entered on these proceed-
ings (he said), he would beseech the honor of his
company at the office of the Rowdy Journal, to



MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. 395

partake of a bottle of champagne of his own impor-
tation.

All this was so extremely kind and hospitable,
that Martin, though it was quite early in the morn-
ing, readily acquiesced. So, instructing Mark, who
was deeply engaged with his friend and her three
children, that when he had done assisting them,
and had cleared the baggage, he was to wait for
further orders at the Rowdy Journal Office, Martin
accompanied his new friend on shore.

They made their way as they best could through
the melancholy crowd of emigrants upon the wharf
— who, grouped about their beds and boxes, with
the bare ground below them and the bare sky above,
might have fallen from another planet, for anything
they knew of the country — and walked for some
short distance along a busy street, bounded on one
side by the quays and shipping ; and on the other
by a long row of staring red-brick storehouses and
offices, ornamented with more black boards and
white letters, and more white boards and black
letters, than Martin had ever seen before, in fifty
times the space. Presently they turned up a narrow
street, and presently into other narrow streets,
until at last they stopped before a house whereon
was painted in great characters, "Rowdy Jour-
nal."

The colonel, who had walked the whole way with
one hand in his breast, his head occasionally wag-
ging from side to side, and his hat thrown back
upon his ears — like a man who was oppressed to
inconvenience by a sense of his own greatness —
led the way up a dark and dirty flight of stairs into
a room of similar character, all littered and bestrewn



396 MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT.

with odds and ends of newspapers and other crum-
pled fragments, both in proof and manuscript.
Behind a mangy old writing-table in this apart-
ment, sat a figure with a stump of a pen in its mouth
and a great pair of scissors in its right hand, clip-
ping and slicing at a file of Rowdy Journals ; and it
was such a laughable figure that Martin had some
difficulty in preserving his gravity, though conscious
of the close observation of Colonel Diver.

The individual who sat clipping and slicing as
aforesaid at the Rowdy Journals was a small young
gentleman of very juvenile appearance, and un-
wholesomely pale in the face ; partly perhaps from
intense thought, but partly, there is no doubt, from
the excessive use of tobacco, which he was at that
moment chewing vigorously. He wore his shirt
collar turned down over a black ribbon ; — and his
lank hair — a fragile crop — was not only smoothed
and parted back from his brow, that none of the
Poetry of his aspect might be lost, but had, here
and there, been grubbed up by the roots : which
accounted for his loftiest developments being some-
what pimply. He had that order of nose on which
the envy of mankind has bestowed the appellation
" snub," and it was very much turned up at the end,
as with a lofty scorn. Upon the upper lip of this
young gentleman were tokens of a sandy down — so
very, very smooth and scant, that, though encour-
aged to the utmost, it looked more like a recent
trace of gingerbread, than the fair promise of a
mustache ; and this conjecture, his apparently
tender age went far to strengthen. He was intent
upon his work. Every time he snapped the great
pair of scissors, he made a corresponding motion



MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. 397

with his jaws, which gave him a very terrible
appearance.

Martin was not long in determining Avithin him-
self that this must be Colonel Diver's son ; the
hope of the famil}^, and future mainspring of the
Kowdy Journal. Indeed he had begun to say that
he presumed this was the colonel's little boy, and
that it was very pleasant to see him playing at
Editor in all the guilelessness of childhood, when
the colonel proudly interposed, and said, —

"My War Correspondent, sir — Mr. Jefferson
Brick ! "

Martin could not help starting at this unexpected
announcement, and the consciousness of the irre-
trievable mistake he had nearly made.

Mr. Brick seemed pleased with the sensation he
produced upon a stranger, and shook hands with
him, with an air of patronage designed to reassure
him, and to let him know that there was no occa-
sion to be frightened, for he (Brick) wouldn't hurt
him.

" You have heard of Jefferson Brick, I see, sir,"
quoth the colonel, with a smile. "England has
heard of Jefferson Brick. Europe has heard of
Jefferson Brick. Let me see. When did you leave
England, sir ? "

" Five weeks ago," said Martin.

" Five weeks ago," repeated the colonel, thought-
fully, as he took his seat upon the table, and swung
his legs. " Now let me ask you, sir, which of Mr.
Brick's articles had become at that time the most
obnoxious to the British Parliament and the court
of St. James's ? "

" Upon my word," said Martin, •• I — "



398 MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT.

" I have reason to know, sir," interrupted the
colonel, " that the aristocratic circles of your country
quail before the name of Jefferson Brick. I should
like to be informed, sir, from your lips, which of
his sentiments has struck the deadliest blow — "

" At the hundred heads of the Hydra of Corrup-
tion now grovelling in the dust beneath the lance
of Reason, and spouting up to the universal arch
above us, its sanguinary gore," said Mr. Brick, put-
ting on a little blue cloth cap with a glazed front,
and quoting his last article.

''The libation of freedom, Brick," hinted the
colonel.

"Must sometimes be quaffed in blood, colonel,"
cried Brick. And when he said "blood," he gave
the great pair of scissors a sharp snap, as if they
said blood too, and were quite of his opinion.

This done, they both looked at Martin, pausing
for a reply.

" Upon my life," said Martin, who had by this
time quite recovered his usual coolness, "I can't
give you any satisfactory information about it ; for
the truth is that I — "

" Stop ! " cried the colonel, glancing sternly at his
war correspondent, and giving his head one shake
after every sentence. " That you never heard of
Jefferson Brick, sir. That you never read Jefferson
Brick, sir. That you never saw the Rowdy Journal,
sir. That you never knew, sir, of its mighty influ-
ence upon the cabinets of Europe. Yes ? "

" That's what I was about to observe, certainly,"
said Martin.

" Keep cool, Jefferson," said the colonel gravely.
" Don't bust ! Oh, you Europeans ! Arter tliat,



MAKTIN CHUZZLEWIT. 399

let's have a glass of wine ! " So saying, he got down
from the table, and produced, from a basket outside
the door, a bottle of champagne and three glasses.

" Mr. Jefferson Brick, sir," said the colonel, filling
Martin's glass and his own, and pushing the bottle
to that gentleman, " will give us a sentiment."

" Well, sir ! " cried the war correspondent, " since
you have concluded to call upon me, I will respond.
I will give you, sir. The Rowdy Journal and its
brethren ; the well of Truth, whose waters are black
from being composed of printers' ink, but are quite
clear enough for my country to behold the shadow
of her Destiny reflected in."

" Hear, hear ! " cried the colonel, with great com-
placency. "There are flowery components, sir, ia
the language of my friend ? "

"Very much so, indeed," said Martin.

"There is to-day's Rowdy, sir," observed the
colonel, handing him a paper. " You'll find Jeffer-
son Brick at his usual post in the van of human
civilization and moral purity."

The colonel was by this time seated on the table
again. Mr. Brick also took up a position on that
same piece of furniture ; and they fell to drinking
pretty hard. They often looked at Martin as he
read the paper, and then at each other. When he
laid it down, which was not until they had finished
a second bottle, the colonel asked him what he
thought of it.

" Why, it's horribly personal," said Martin.

The colonel seemed much flattered by this remark ;
and said he hoped it was.

"We are independent here, sir," said Mr. Jeffer-
son Brick. " We do as we like."



400 MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT.

"If I may judge from this specimen," returned
Martin, " there must be a few thousands here, rather
the reverse of independent, who do as they don't
like."

" Well ! They yield to the mighty mind of the
Popular Instructor, sir," said the colonel. ''They
rile up, sometimes ; but in general we have a hold
upon our citizens, both in public and in private life,
which is as much one of the ennobling institutions
of our happy country as — "

" As nigger slavery itself," suggested Mr. Brick.

" En — tirely so," remarked the colonel.

" Pray," said Martin, after some hesitation, "may I
venture to ask, with reference to a case I observe in
this paper of yours, whether the Popular Instructor
often deals in — I am at a loss to express it without
giving you offence — in forgery ? In forged letters,
for instance," he pursued, for the colonel was per-
fectly calm and quite at his ease, "solemnly pur-
porting to have been written at recent periods by
living men ? "

" Well, sir ! " replied the colonel. " It does, now
and then."

"'And the popular instructed — what do they
do ? " asked Martin.

"Buy 'em," said the colonel.

Mr. Jefferson Brick expectorated and laughed;
the former copiously, the latter approvingly.

"Buy 'em by hundreds of thousands," resumed
the colonel. " We are a smart people here, and can
appreciate smartness."

" Is smartness American for forgery ? " asked
Martin.

" Well ! " said the colonel, " I expect it's American



MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT. 401

for a good many things that you call by other
names. But you can't help yourselves in Europe.
We can."

"And do, sometimes," thought Martin. "You
help yourselves with very little ceremony, too ! "

"At all events, whatever name we choose to
employ," said the colonel, stooping down to roll the
third empty bottle into a corner after the other two,
"I suppose the art of forgery was not invented
here, sir ? "

" I suppose not," replied Martin.

" Nor any other kind of smartness, I reckon ? "

" Invented ! No, I presume not."

" Well ! " said the colonel ; " then we got it all
from the old country, and the old country's to


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