keeping all his life ; and twenty year ago or so
he went and took a fever. All the time he was
out of his head (which was three weeks) he
never left off casting up ; and he got to so many
million at last that I don't believe he's ever been
quite right since. We don't do much business
now though, and he an't a bad clerk."
" A very good one," said Anthony.
" Well ! He an't a dear one at all events,"
observed Jonas ; " and he earns his salt, which
is enough for our look-out. I was telling you
that he hardly understands any one except my
father ; he always understands him, though, and
wakes up quite wonderful. He's been used to
his ways so long, you see ! Why, I've seen him
play whist, with my father for a partner, and a
good rubber too ; when he had no more notion
what sort of people he was playing against, than
you have."
" Has he no appetite?" asked Merry.
" Oh, yes," said Jonas, plying his own knife
and fork very fast. " He eats ā when he's
helped. But he don't care whether he waits a
minute or an hour, as long as father's here ; so
when I'm at all sharp set, as I am to-day, I
come to him after I've taken the edge off my
own hunger, you know. Now, Chuffey, stupid,
are you ready?"
Chuffey remained immovaole.
" Always a perverse old file, he was," said Mr.
Jonas, coolly helping himself to another slice.
ā ā Ask him, father."
"Are you ready for your dinner, Chuffey?"
asked the old man.
" Yes, yes," said Chuffey, lighting up into a
sentient human creature at the first sound of the
voice, so that it was at once a curious and quite
a moving sight to see him. " Yes, yes. Quite
ready, Mr. Chuzzlewit. Quite ready, sir. All
ready, all ready, all ready." With that he
stopped, smilingly, and listened for some further
address ; but being spoken to no more, the light
forsook his face by little and little, until he was
nothing again.
" He'll be very disagreeable, mind," said
Jonas, addressing his cousins as he handed the
old man's portion to his father. " He always
chokes himself when it an't broth. Look at him,
now. Did you ever see a horse with such a
wall-eyed expression as he's got? If it hadn't
been for the joke of it, I wouldn't have let him
come in to-day ; but I thought he'd amuse you."
The poor old subject of this humane speech,
was, happily for himself, as unconscious of its
purport, as of most other remarks that were
made in his presence. But the mutton being
tough, and his gums weak, he quickly verified
the statement relative to his choking propen-
sities, and underwent so much in his attempts
to dine, that Mr. Jonas was infinitely amused ;
protesting that he had seldom seen him better
company in all his life, and that he was enough
to make a man split his sides with laughing.
Indeed, he went so far as to assure the sisters,
that in this point of view he considered Chuffey
superior to his own father ; which, as he signifi-
cantly added, was saying a great deal.
It was strange enough that Anthony Chuzzle-
wit, himself so old a man, should take a pleasure
in these gibings of his estimable son, at the
expense of the poor shadow at their table. But
he did, unquestionably : though not so much ā
to do him justice ā with reference to their
ancient clerk, as in exultation at the sharpness
of Jonas. For the same reason, that young
man's coarse allusions, even to himself, filled
him with a stealthy glee : causing him to rub
his hands and chuckle covertly, as if he said in
his sleeve, " /taught him. /trained him. This
is the heir of my bringing-up. Sly, cunning,
and covetous, he'll not squander my money. I
worked for this ; I hoped for this ; it has been
the great end and aim of my life."
What a noble end and aim it was to contem-
plate in the attainment, truly ! But there be
some who manufacture idols after the fashion of
themselves, and fail to worship them when they
are made ; charging their deformity on out-
raged nature. Anthony was better than these
at any rate.
Chuffey boggled over his plate so long, that
Mr. Jonas, losing patience, took it from him at
last with hij own hands, and requested his father
to signify to that venerable person that he had
better " peg away at his bread :" which Anthony
did.
"Aye, aye!" cried the old man, brightening
94
MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT.
up as before, when this was communicate I to
him in the same voice; "quite right, quite
right. He's your own son, Mr. Chuzzlewit !
Bless him for a sharp lad ! Bless him, bless
him!"
Mr. Jonas considered this so particularly
childish, perhaps with some reason ā that he
only laughed the more, and told his cousins that
he was afraid one of these fine days, Chuffey
would be the death of him. The cloth was then
removed, and the bottle of wine set upon the
table, from which Mr. Jonas filled the young
ladies' glasses, calling on them not to spare it,
as they might be certain there was plenty more
where that came from. But, he added with
some haste after this sally, that it was only his
joke, and they wouldn't suppose him to be in
earnest, he was sure.
" I shall drink," said Anthony, " to Pecksniff.
Your father, my dears. A clever man, Peck-
sniff. A wary man ! A hypocrite, though, eh ?
A hypocrite, girls, eh ? Ha, ha, ha ! Well, so
he is. Now, among friends ā -he is. I don't
think the worse of him for that, unless it is that
he overdoes it. You may overdo anything,
my darlings. You may overdo even hypocrisy.
Ask Jonas !"
" You can't overdo taking care of yourself,"
observed that hopeful gentleman with his mouth
full.
" Do you hear that, my dears ? " cried An-
thony, quite enraptured. " Wisdom, wisdom !
A good exception, Jonas. No. It's not easy
to overdo that."
" Except," whispered Mr. Jonas to his fa-
vourite cousin, " except when one lives too
long. Ha, ha ! Tell the other one that ā
I say !"
" Good gracious me !" said Cherry, in a petu-
lant manner. "You can tell her yourself, if you
wish, can't you?"
" She seems to make such game of one," re-
plied Mr. Jonas.
" Then why need you trouble yourself about
her?" said Charity. "I am sure she doesn't
trouble herself much about you."
" Don't she though ?" asked Jonas.
" Good gracious me, need I tell you that she
don't ? " returned the young lady.
Mr. Jonas made no verbal rejoinder, but he
glanced at Mercy with an odd expression in his
face ; and said ///at 1 wouldn't break his heart, she
might depend upon it. Then he looked on
Charity with even greater favour than before,
and besought her, as his polite manner was, to
" come a little closer."
" There's another thing that's not easily over-
done, father," remarked Jonas, after a short
silence.
".What's that?" asked the father, grinning
already in anticipation.
" A bargain," said the son. " Here's the rule
for bargains ā 'Do other men, for they would do
you.' That's the true business precept. All
others are counterfeits."
The delighted father applauded this sentiment
to the echo; and was so much tickled by it,
that he was at the pains of imparting the same
to his ancient clerk, who rubbed his hands,
nodded his palsied head, winked his watery
eyes, and cried in his whistling tones, " Good !
good ! Your own son, Mr. Chuzzlewit !" with
every feeble demonstration of delight that he
was capable of making. But this old man's en-
thusiasm had the redeeming quality of being felt
in sympathy with the only creature to whom he
was linked by ties of long association, and by
his present helplessness. And if there had
been anybody there, who cared to think about
it, some dregs of a better nature unawakened,
might perhaps have been descried through that
very medium, melancholy though it was, yet
lingering at the bottom of the worn-out cask,
called Chuffey.
As matters stood, nobody thought or said
anything upon the subject; so Chuffey fell back
into a dark corner on one side of the fire-place,
where he always spent his evenings, and was
neither seen nor heard again that night ; save
once, when a cup of tea was given him, in
which he was seen to soak his bread mechani-
cally. There was no reason to suppose that he
went to sleep at these seasons, or that he heard,
or saw, or felt, or thought. He remained, as it
were, frozen up ā if any term expressive of such
a vigorous process can be applied to him ā until
he was again thawed for the moment by a word
or touch from Anthony.
Miss Charity made tea by desire of Mr. Jonas,
and felt and looked so like the lady of the house,
that she was in the prettiest confusion imagin-
able ; the more so, from Mr. Jonas sitting close
beside her, and whispering a variety of admiring
expressions in her ear. Miss Mercy, for her
part, felt the entertainment of the evening to be
so distinctly and exclusively theirs, that she
silently deplored the commercial gentlemen ā
at that moment, no doubt, wearying for her
return ā and yawned over yesterday's newspaper.
As to Anthony, he went to sleep outright, so
Jonas and Cherry had a clear stage to themselves
as long as they chose to keep possession of it.
When the tea-tray was taken away, as it was
at last, Mr. Jonas produced a dirty pack of
COUSIN JONAS TENDERLY IMPRESSED.
95
cards, and entertained the sisters with divers
small feats of dexterity : whereof the main pur-
pose of every one was, that you were to decoy
somebody into laying a wager with you that you
couldn't do it ; and were then immediately to
win and pocket his money. Mr. Jonas informed
them that these accomplishments were in high
vogue in the most intellectual circles, and that
large amounts were constantly changing hands
on such hazards. And it may be remarked that
he fully believed this ; for there is a simplicity
of cunning no less than a simplicity of inno-
cence ; and in all matters where a lively faith in
knavery and meanness was required as the
ground-work of belief, Mr. Jonas was one of
the most credulous of men. His ignorance,
which was stupendous, may be taken into
account, if the reader pleases, separately.
This fine young man had all the inclination
to be a profligate of the first water, and only
lacked the one good trait in the common cata-
logue of debauched vices ā open-handedness ā
to be a notable vagabond. But there his griping
and penurious habits stepped in ; and as one
poison will sometimes neutralise another, when
wholesome remedies would not avail, so he was
restrained by a bad passion from quaffing his
full measure of evil, when virtue might have
sought to hold him back in vain.
By the time he had unfolded all the peddling
schemes he knew upon the cards, it was grow-
ing late in the evening ; and Mr. Pecksniff not
making his appearance, the young ladies ex-
pressed a wish to return home. But this, Mr.
Jonas, in his gallantry, would by no means
allow, until they had partaken of some bread
and cheese and porter ; and even then he was
excessively unwilling to allow them to depart ;
often beseeching Miss Charity to come a little
closer, or to stop a little longer, and preferring
many other complimentary petitions of that
nature, in his own hospitable and earnest way.
When all his efforts to detain them were fruit-
less, he put on his hat and great-coat preparatory
to escorting them to Todgers's ; remarking that
he knew they would rather walk thither than
ride ; and that for his part he was quite of their
opinion.
" Good night," said Anthony. " Good night ;
remember me to ā ha, ha, ha ! ā to Pecksniff.
Take care of your cousin, my dears ; beware of
Jonas ; he's a dangerous fellow. Don't quarrel
for him, in any case ! "
"Oh, the creature!" cried Mercy. "The
idea of quarrelling for him ! You may take
him, Cherry, my love, all to yourself. I make
you a present of my share."
"What! I'm a sour grape, am I, cousin?"
said Jonas.
Miss Charity was more entertained by this
repartee than one would have supposed likely,
considering its advanced age and simple cha-
racter. But in her sisterly affection she took
Mr. Jonas to task for leaning so very hard upon
a broken reed, and said that he must not be so
cruel to poor Merry any more, or she (Charity)
would positively be obliged to hate him. Mercy,
who really had her share of good-humour, only
retorted with a laugh ; and they walked home
in consequence without any angry passages of
words upon the way. Mr. Jonas being in the
middle, and having a cousin on each arm, some-
times squeezed the wrong one ; so tightly too,
as to cause her not a little inconvenience; but
as he talked to Charity in whispers the whole
time, and paid her great attention, no doubt this
was an accidental circumstance. When they
arrived at Todgers's, and the door was opened,
Mercy broke hastily from them, and ran up-
stairs ; but Charity and Jonas lingered on the
steps talking together for more than five minutes ;
so, as Mrs. Todgers observed next morning to a
third party, "It was pretty clear what was going
on there, and she was glad of it, for it really was
high time Miss Pecksniff thought of settling."
And now the day was coming on, when that
bright vision which had burst on Todgers's so
suddenly, and made a sunshine in the shady
breast of Jinkins, was to be seen no more ; when
it was to be packed like a brown paper parcel,
or a fish-basket, or an oyster barrel, or a fat
gentleman, or any other dull reality of life, in a
stage-coach, and carried down into the country !
" Never, my dear Miss Pecksniffs," said Mrs.
Todgers, when they retired to rest on the last
night of their stay ; " never have I seen an
establishment so perfectly broken-hearted as
mine is at this present moment of time. I don't
believe the gentlemen will be the gentlemen
they were, or anything like it ā no, not for weeks
to come. You have a great deal to answer for ;
both of you."
They modestly disclaimed any wilful agency
in this disastrous state of things, and regretted
it very much.
"Your pious Pa, too!" said Mrs. Todgers.
" There's a loss ! My dear Miss Pecksniffs, your
Pa is a perfect missionary of peace and love."
Entertaining an uncertainty as to the particular
kind of love supposed to be comprised in Mr.
Pecksniff's mission, the young ladies received
the compliment rather coldly.
" If I dared," said Mrs. Todgers, perceiving
this, " to violate a confidence which has been
9 6
MA R TIN CHUZZLE WIT.
reposed in me, and to tell you why I must beg
of you to leave the little door between your
room and mine open to-night, I think you would
be interested. But I mustn't do it, for I pro-
mised Mr. Jinkins faithfully that I would be as
silent as the tomb."
"Dear Mrs. Todgers ! what can you mean?"
'ā¢' Why then, my sweet Miss Pecksniffs,'"' said
the lady of the house ; " my own loves, if you
will allow me the privilege of taking that free-
dom on the eve of our separation, Mr. Jinkins
and the gentlemen have made up a little musical
party among themselves, and do intend in the
dead of this night to perform a serenade upon
the stairs outside the door. I could have wished,
I own," said Mrs. Todgers, with her usual fore-
sight, 'ā¢ that it had been fixed to take place an
hour or two earlier ; because, when gentlemen
sit up late, they drink, and when they drink,
they're not so musical perhaps, as when they
don't. But this is the arrangement, and I know
you will be gratified, my dear Miss Pecksniffs,
by such a mark of their attention."
The young ladies were at first so much excited
by the news, that they vowed they couldn't think
of going to bed, until the serenade was over.
But half an hour of cool waiting so altered their
opinion that they not only went to bed, but fell
asleep ; and were moreover not ecstatically
charmed to be aw r akened some time afterwards
by certain dulcet strains breaking in upon the
silent watches of the night.
It was very affecting ā very. Nothing more
dismal could have been desired by the most
fastidious taste. The gentleman of a vocal turn
was head mute, or chief mourner ; Jinkins took
the bass ; and the rest took anything they could
get. The youngest gentleman blew his melan-
choly into a flute. He didn't blow much out of
it, but that was all the better. If the two Miss
Pecksniffs and Mrs. Todgers had perished by
spontaneous combustion, and the serenade had
been in honour of their ashes, it would have
been impossible to surpass the unutterable
despair expressed in that one chorus, " Go where
glory waits thee !" It was a requiem, a dirge, a
moan, a howl, a wail, a lament ; an abstract of
everything that is sorrowful and hideous in
sound. The flute of the youngest gentleman
was wild and fitful. It came and went in gusts,
like the wind. For a long time together he
seemed to have left off, and when it was quite
settled by Mrs. Todgers and the young ladies,
that, overcome by his feelings, he had retired in
tears, he unexpectedly turned up again at the
wry top of the tune, gasping for breath. He
was a tremendous performer. There was no
knowing where to have him ; and exactly when
you thought he was doing nothing at all, then
was he doing the very thing that ought to
astonish you most.
There were several of these concerted pieces ;
perhaps two or three too many, though that, as
Mrs. Todgers said, was a fault on the right side.
But even then, even at that solemn moment,
when the thrilling sounds may be presumed to
have penetrated into the very depths of his
nature, if he had any depths, Jinkins couldn't
leave the youngest gentleman alone. He asked
him distinctly, before the second song began ā
as a personal favour too, mark the villain in that
ā not to play. Yes ; he said so ; not to play.
The breathing of the youngest gentleman was
heard through the keyhole of the door. He
did/ft play. What vent was a flute for the pas-
sions swelling up within his breast? A trom-
bone would have been a world too mild.
The serenade approached its close. Its crown-
ing interest was at hand. The gentleman of a
literary turn had written a song on the departure
of the ladies, and adapted it to an old tune.
They all joined, except the youngest gentleman
in company, who, for the reasons aforesaid,
maintained a fearful silence. The song (which
was of a classical nature) invoked the oracle of
Apollo, and demanded to know what would
become of Todgers's when Charity and Mercy
were banished from its walls. The oracle de-
livered no opinion particularly worth remem-
bering, according to the not infrequent practice
of oracles from the earliest ages down to the
present time. In the absence of enlightenment
on that subject, the strain deserted it, and went
on to show that the Miss Pecksniffs were nearly
related to Rule Britannia, and that if Great
Britain hadn't been an island there could have
been no Miss Pecksniffs. And being now on a
nautical tack, it closed with this verse :
" AH hail to the vessel of Pecksniff the sire !
And favouring breezes to fan ;
While Tritons flock round it, and proudly admire
The architect, artist, and man ! "
As they presented this beautiful picture to the
imagination, the gentlemen gradually withdrew
to bed to give the music the effect of distance ;
and so it died away, and Todgers's was left to
its repose.
Mr. Bailey reserved his vocal offering until
the morning, when he put his head into the
room as the young ladies were kneeling before
their trunks, packing up, and treated them to
an imitation of the voice of a young dog, in
trying circumstances : when that animal is sup-
BAILEY JUNIOR IS CONVERSATIONAL.
97
posed by persons of a lively fancy, to relieve
his feelings by calling for pen and ink.
" Well, young ladies," said the youth, " so
you're a going home, are you; worse luck?"
'ā¢ Yes, Bailey, we're going home," returned
IN I e rev.
" An't you a going to leave none of 'em a
lock of your hair?" inquired the youth. "It's
real, an't it ? "
They laughed at this, and told him of course
it was.
" Oh is it of course though ?" said Bailey. " I
know better than that. Hers an't. Why, I see
it hanging up once, on that nail by the winder.
Besides, I've gone behind her at dinner-time and
pulled it ; and she never know'd. I say young
ladies ā I'm a going to leave. I an't a going to
stand being called names by her, no longer."
Miss Mercy inquired what his plans for the
future might be ; in reply to whom Mr. Bailey
intimated that he thought of going, either into
top-boots, or into the army.
STAND OFF
JUST THE SAME !
" Into the army ā¢" cried the young ladies, with
a laugh.
"Ah!" said Bailey, "why not? There's a
many drummers in the Tower. I'm acquainted
with 'em. Don't their country set a valley on
'em, mind you ! Not at all !"
"You'll be shot, I see," observed Mercy.
" Well," cried Mr. Bailey, " wot if I am ?
There's something gamey in it, young ladies,
an't there? I'd sooner be hit with a cannon-
ball than a rolling-pin, and she's always a catch-
Martin Chuzzlewit, 7.
BIT CHANGED ! "
ing up something of that sort, and throwing it
at me, when the gentlemans' appetites is good.
Wot," said Mr. Bailey, stung by the recollections
of his wrongs, " wot, if they do con-sume the
per-vishuns. It an't my fault, is it?"
" Surely no one says it is," said Mercy.
"Don't they though?" retorted the youth.
" No. Yes. Ah ! Oh ! No one mayn't say it
is ! but some one knows it is. But I an't a going
to have every rise in prices wisited on me. I an't a
going to be killed, because the markets is dear. I
98
MARTIN CHUZZLEV.'IT.
won't stop. And therefore," added Mr. Bailey,
relenting into a smile, "wotever you mean to give
me, you'd better give me all at once, becos if ever
you come back agin, I shan't be here ; and as to
the other boy, he won't deserve nothing, / know.''
The young ladies, on behalf of Mr. Pecksniff
and themselves, acted on this thoughtful advice ;
and in consideration of their private friendship,
presented Mr. Bailey with a gratuity so liberal,
that he could hardly do enough to show his
gratitude ; which found but an imperfect vent,
during the remainder of the day, in divers secret
slaps upon his pocket, and other such facetious
pantomime. Nor was it confined to these ebul-
litions ; for besides crushing a bandbox, with a
bonnet in it, he seriously damaged Mr. Peck-
sniff's luggage, by ardently hauling it down from
the top of the house ; and in short evinced, by
every means in his power, a lively sense of the
favours he had received from that gentleman
and his family.
Mr. Pecksniff and Mr. Jinkins came home to
dinner, arm-in-arm ; for the latter gentleman had
made half-holiday, on purpose ; thus gaining an
immense advantage over the youngest gentleman
and the rest, whose time, as it perversely chanced,
was all bespoke, until the evening. The bottle
of wine was Mr. Pecksniff's treat, and they
were very sociable indeed; though full of lamen-
tations on the necessity of parting. ā¢ While they
were in the midst of their enjoyment, old An-
thony and his son were announced ; much to
the surprise of Mr. Pecksniff, and greatly to the
discomfiture of Jinkins.
" Come to say good bye, you see," said An-
thony, in a low voice to Mr. Pecksniff, as they
took their seats apart at the table, while the rest
conversed among themselves. " Where's the
use of a division between you and me? We are
the two halves of a pair of scissors, when apart
Pecksniff ; but together we are something. Eh ? "
" Unanimity, my good sir," rejoined Mr. Peck-
sniff, "is always delightful."
" I don't know about that," said the old man,
" for there are some people I would rather dif-
fer from than agree with. But you know my
opinion of you."
Mr. Pecksniff, still having " hypocrite " in his
mind, only replied by a motion of his head, which
was something between an affirmative bow, and
a negative shake.
" Complimentary," said Anthony. " Compli-
mentary, upon my word. It was an involuntary
tribute to your abilities, even at the time ; and
it was not a time to suggest compliments either.
But we agreed in the coach, you know, that ,. e
quite understood each other."
" Oh, quite !" assented Mr. Pecksniff, in a man-
ner which implied that he himself was misunder-
stood most cruelly, but would not complain.
Anthony glanced at his son as he sat beside
Miss Charity, and then at Mr. Pecksniff, and
then at his son again, very many times. It
happened that Mr. Pecksniff's glances took a
similar direction ; but when he became aware
of it, he first cast down his eyes, and then closed
them ; as if he were determined that the old
man should read nothing there.
"Jonas is a shrewd lad," said the old man.