I am surprised and hurt to see you so. Mercy,
my girl, bless you ! See to her. Ah, envy, envy,
what a passion you are !"
Uttering this apostrophe in a tone full of
grief and lamentation, Mr. Pecksniff left the
room (taking care to shut the door behind him),
and walked down-stairs into the parlour. There
he found his intended son-in-law, whom he
seized by both hands.
"Jonas !" cried Mr. Pecksniff. " Jonas ! the
dearest wish of my heart is now fulfilled !"
" Very well ; I'm glad to hear it," said Jonas.
" That'll do. I say, as it ain't the one you're so
fond of, you must come down with another
thousand, Pecksniff. You must make it up five.
It's worth that to keep your treasure to yourself,
you know. You get off very cheap that way,
and haven't a sacrifice to make."
The grin with which he accompanied this, set
off his other attractions to such unspeakable
advantage, that even Mr. Pecksniff lost his
presence of mind for the moment, and looked at
the young man as if he were quite stupefied with
wonder and admiration. But he quickly regained
his composure, and was in the very act of chang-
ing the subject, when a hasty step was heard
without, and Tom Pinch, in a state of great
excitement, came darting into the room.
On seeing a stranger there, apparently engaged
with Mr. Pecksniff in private conversation, Tom
was very much abashed, though he still looked
as if he had something of great importance
to communicate, which would be a sufficient
apology for his intrusion.
" Mr. Pinch," said Pecksniff, " this is hardly
decent. You will excuse my saying that
I think your conduct scarcely decent, .Mr.
" I beg your pardon, sir," replied Tom, " for
not knocking at the door."
" Rather beg this gentleman's pardon, Mr.
Pinch," said Pecksniff. " / know you ; he does
not. â My young man, Mr. Jonas."
The son-in-law that was to be gave him a slight
nod â not actively disdainful or contemptuous,
only passively : for he was in a good humour.
" Could I speak a word with you, sir, if you
please?" said Tom. " It's rather pressing."
" It should be very pressing to justify this
strange behaviour, Mr. Pinch," returned his
master. " Excuse me for one moment, my dear
friend. Now, sir, what is the reason of this
" I am very sorry, sir, I am sure," said Tom,
standing, cap in hand, before his patron in the
passage ; " and I know it must have a very rude
appearance â "
" It has a very rude appearance, Mr. Pinch."
" Yes, I feel that, sir ; but the truth' is, I was
so surprised to see them, and knew you would
be too, that I ran home very fast indeed, and
really hadn't enough command over myself to
know what I was doing very well. I was in the
church just now, sir, touching the organ for my
own amusement, when I happened to look
round, and saw a gentleman and lady standing
in the aisle listening. They seemed to be
strangers, sir, as well as I could make out in the
dusk : and I thought I didn't know them : so
presently I left off, and said, would they walk
up into the organ-loft, or take a seat? No, they
said, they wouldn't do that ; but they thanked
me for the music they had heard â in fact," ob-
served Tom, blushing â " they said, ' Delicious
music !' at least she did; and I am sure that was
a greater pleasure and honour to me, than any
compliment I could have had. Iâ Iâ beg your
pardon, sir;" he was all in a tremble, and
dropped his hat for the second time ; " but Iâ
I'm rather flurried, and I fear I've wandered
from the point."
" If you will come back to it, Thomas," said
Mr. Pecksniff, with an icy look, " I shall feel
" Yes, sir," returned Tom, " certainly. They
had a posting carriage at the porch, sir. and
had stopped to hear the organ, they said, and
then they saidâ she said, I mean, ' I believe you
live with Mr. Pecksniff, sir?' I said I had that
honour, and I took the liberty, sir," added Tom,
raising his eyes to his benefactor's face, " of
saying, as I always will and must, with your
permission, that I was under great obligations
to you, and never could express my sense of
"That," said Mr. Pecksniff, "was very, very
wrong. Take your time, Mr. Pinch."
" Thank you, sir," cried Tom. " On that they
asked me â she asked, I mean â 'Wasn't there a
bridle-road to Mr. Pecksniff's house, â ' "
Mr. Pecksniff suddenly became full of interest.
" 'Without going by the Dragon?' When I
said there was, and said how happy I should be
to show it 'em, they sent the carriage on by the
road, and came with me across the meadows. I
left 'em at the turnstile to run forward and tell
you they were coming, and they'll be here, sir,
in â in less than a minute's time, I should say,"
added Tom, fetching his breath with difficulty.
" Now who," said Mr. Pecksniff, pondering,
" who may these people be ?"
" Bless my soul, sir ! " cried Tom, " I meant to
mention that at first, I thought I had. I knew
them â her, I mean â directly. The gentleman
who was ill at the Dragon, sir, last winter; and
the young lady who attended him."
Tom's teeth chattered in his head, and he
positively staggered with amazement, at witness-
ing the extraordinary effect produced on Mr.
Pecksniff by these simple words. The dread of
losing the old man's favour almost as soon as
they were reconciled, through the mere fact of
having Jonas in the house ; the impossibility of
dismissing Jonas, or shutting him up, or tying
him hand and foot, and putting him in the coal-
cellar, without offending him beyond recall ; the
horrible discordance prevailing in the establish-
ment, and the impossibility of reducing it to
decent harmony, with Charity in loud hysterics,
Mercy in the utmost disorder, Jonas in the par-
lour, and Martin Chuzzlewit and his young
charge upon the very door-steps ; the total
hopelessness of being able to disguise or feasibly
lin this state of rampant confusion; the
sudden accumulation over his devoted head of
every complicated perplexity and entanglement
â for his extrication from which he had trusted
to time, good fortune, chance, and his own plot-
ting â so filled the entrapped architect with dis-
may, that if Tom could have been a Gorgon
staring at Mr. Pecksniff, and Mr. Pecksniff could
have been a Gorgon staring at Tom, they could
not have horrified each other half so much as
in their own bewildered persons.
" Dear, dear ! " cried Tom, " what have I done?
I hoped it would be a pleasant surprise, sir. I
thought you would like to know."
But at that moment a loud knocking was
heard at the hall door.
MORE AMERICAN EXPERIENCES. MARTIN TAKES A
PARTNER, AND MAKES A PURCHASE. SOME ACCOUNT
OF EDEN, AS IT APPEARED ON PAPER. ALSO OF THE
BRITISH LION. ALSO OF THE KIND OF SYMPATHY
PROFESSED AND ENTERTAINED, BY THE WATER-
TOAST ASSOCIATION OF UNITED SYMPATHISERS.
HE knocking at Mr. Pecksniff's
door, though loud enough, bore no
resemblance whatever to the noise
of an American railway train at full
speed. It may be well to begin
the present chapter with this frank ad-
mission, lest the reader should imagine
^W that the sounds now deafening this his-
tory's ears have any connection with the knocker
on Mr. Pecksniff's door, or with the great
amount of agitation pretty equally divided be-
tween that worthy man and Mr. Pinch, of which
its strong performance was the cause.
Mr. Pecksniff's house is more than a thou-
sand leagues away ; and again this happy
chronicle has Liberty and Moral Sensibility for
its high companions. Again it breathes the
blessed air of Independence ; again it contem-
plates with pious awe that moral sense which
renders unto Caesar nothing that is his ; again
inhales that sacred atmosphere which was the
life of him â oh noble patriot, with many fol-
lowers ! â who dreamed of Freedom in a slave's
embrace, and waking sold her offspring and his
own in public markets.
How the wheels clank and rattle, and the
tram-road shakes, as the train rushes on ! And
now the engine yells, as it were lashed and tor-
tured like a living labourer, and writhed in
agony. A poor fancy ; for steel and iron are of
infinitely greater account, in this commonwealth,
than flesh and blood. If the cunning work of
man be urged beyond its power of endurance,
it has within it the elements of its own revenge ;
whereas the wretched mechanism of the Divine
Hand is dangerous with no such property, but
may be tampered with, and crushed, and
broken, at the driver's pleasure. Look at that
engine ! It shall cost a man more dollars in the
way of penalty and fine, and satisfaction of the
outraged law, to deface in wantonness that
senseless mass of metal, than to take the lives
of twenty human creatures ! Thus the stars wink
BEAUTIES OF THE VALLEY OF EDEN.
upon the bloody stripes ; and Liberty pulls down
her cap upon her eyes, and owns Oppression in
its vilest aspect, for her sister.
The engine-driver of the train whose noise
awoke us to the present chapter, was certainly
troubled with no such reflections as these ; nor
is it very probable that his mind was disturbed
by any reflections at all. He leaned with folded
arms and crossed legs against the side of the
carriage, smoking; and, except when he ex-
pressed, by a grunt as short as his pipe, his ap-
proval of some particularly dexterous aim on
the part of his colleague, the fireman, who be-
guiled his leisure by throwing logs of wood
from the tender at the numerous stray cattle on
the line, he preserved a composure so immov-
able, and an indifference so complete, that if
the locomotive had been a sucking-pig, he could
not have been more perfectly indifferent to its
doings. Notwithstanding the tranquil state of
this officer, and his unbroken peace of mind, the
train was proceeding with tolerable rapidity ; and
the rails being but poorly laid, the jolts' and
bumps it met with in its progress were neither
slight nor few.
There were three great caravans or cars at-
tached. The ladies' car, the gentlemen's car,
and the car for negroes : the latter painted
black, as an appropriate compliment to its
company. Martin and Mark Tapley were in
the first, as it was the most comfortable ; and,
being far from full, received other gentlemen
who, like them, were unblessed by the society
of ladies of their own. They were seated
side by side, and were engaged in earnest con-
"And so, Mark," said Martin, looking at
him with an anxious expression, â " and so you
are glad we have left New York far behind us,
are you ?"
" Yes, sir," said Mark. " I am. Precious
" Were you not 'jolly' there?" asked Martin.
" On the contrairy, sir," returned Mark.
" The jolliest week as ever I spent in my life,
was that there week at Pawkins's."
"What do you think of our prospects?" in-
quired Martin, with an air that plainly said he
had avoided the question for some time.
" Uncommon bright, sir," returned Mark.
" Impossible for a place to have a better name,
sir, than the Walley of Eden. No man couldn't
think of settling in a better place than the
Walley of Eden. And I'm told," added
Mark after a pause, " as there's lots of serpents
there, so we shall come out, quite complete and
So far from dwelling upon this agreeable
piece of information with the least dismay
Mark's face grew radiant as he called it to mind :
so very radiant, that a stranger might have sup-
posed he had all his life been yearning for the
society of serpents, and now hailed with delight
the approaching consummation of his fondest
" Who told you that ?" asked Martin, sternly.
" A military officer," said Mark.
" Confound you for a ridiculous fellow !" cried
Martin, laughing heartily in spite of himself.
" What military officer ? you know they spring
up in every field â "
" As thick as scarecrows in England, sir," in-
terposed Mark, " which is a sort of militia them-
selves, being entirely coat and wescoat, with a
stick inside. Ha, ha ! â Don't mind me, sir ; it's
my way sometimes. I can't help being jolly. â
Why it was one of them inwading conquerors at
Pawkins's, as told me. ' Am I rightly informed,'
he says â not exactly through his nose, but as if
he'd got a stoppage in it, very high up â ' that
you're a going to the Walley of Eden ? ' 'I
heard some talk on it,' I told him. . ' Oh !' says
he, ' if you should ever happen to go to bed
there â you may, you know,' he says, ' in course
of time as civilisation progresses â don't forget
to take a axe with you.' I looks at him toler-
able hard. ' Fleas?' says I. ' And more,' says
he. ' Wampires ?' says I. ' And more,' says
he. ' Musquitoes, perhaps ? ' says I. ' And
more,' says he. ' What more ? ' says I. ' Snakes
more,' says he; 'rattlesnakes. You're right to
a certain extent, stranger ; there air some cata-
wampous chawers in the small way too, as graze
upon a human pretty strong; but don't mind
them â they're company. It's snakes,' he says,
'as you'll object to: and whenever you wake
and see one in a upright poster on your bed,' he
says, ' like a corkscrew with the handle off a
sittin' on its bottom ring, cut him down, for he
means wenom.' "
"Why didn't you tell me this before?" cried
Martin, with an expression of face which set off
the cheerfulness of Mark's visage to great ad-
" I never thought on it, sir," said Mark. " It
come in at one ear, and went out at the other.
But Lord love us, he was one of another Com-
pany I dare say, and only made up the story
that we might go to his Eden, and not the oppo-
" There's some probability in that," observed
.Martin. " I can honestly say that I hope so,
with all my heart."
"I've not a doubt about it, sir," returned
i 7 6
Mark, who, full of the inspiriting influence of
the anecdote upon himself, had for the moment
forgotten its probable effect upon his master :
"anyhow, we must live, you know, sir."
"Live!" cried Martin. "Yes, it's easy to
say live ; but if we should happen not to wake
when rattlesnakes are making corkscrews of
themselves upon our beds, it may not be so easy
to do it."
" And that's a fact," said a voice so close in
his ear that it tickled him. "That's dreadful
Martin looked round, and found that a gentle-
man, on the seat behind, had thrust his head be-
tween himself and Mark, and sat with his chin
resting on the back rail of their little bench, en-
tertaining himself with their conversation. He
was as languid and listless in his looks, as most
of the gentlemen they had seen ; his cheeks
were so hollow that he seemed to be always
sucking them in ; and the sun had burnt him â
not a wholesome red or brown, but dirty yellow.
He had bright dark eyes, which he kept half
closed ; only peeping out of the corners, and
even then with a glance that seemed to say,
'â Now you won't overreach me : you want to,
but you won't." His amis rested carelessly on
his knees as he leant forward ; in the palm of
his left hand, as English rustics have their slice
of cheese, he had a cake of tobacco ; in his
right a penknife. He struck into the dialogue
with as little reserve as if he had been specially
called in, days before, to hear the arguments on
both [sides, and favour them with his opinion ;
and he no more contemplated or cared for the
possibility of their not desiring the honour of
his acquaintance or interference in their pri-
vate affairs, than if he had been a bear or a
" That,'' he repeated, nodding condescend-
ingly to Martin, as to an outer barbarian and
foreigner, " is dreadful true. Darn all manner
Martin could not help frowning for a moment,
as if he were disposed to insinuate that the
gentleman had unconsciously " darned " him-
self. But remembering the wisdom of doing at
Rome as Romans do, he smiled with the plea-
santest expression he could assume upon so
short a notice.
Their new friend said no more just then, being
busily employed in cutting a quid or plug from
his cake of tobacco, and whistling softly to him-
self the while. When he had shaped it to his
liking, he took out his old plug, and deposited
the same on the back of the seat between Mark
and Martin, while he thrust the new one into
the hollow of his cheek, where it looked like a
large walnut, or tolerable pippin. Finding it
quite satisfactory, he struck the point of his
knife into the old plug, and holding it out for
their inspection, remarked with the air of a
man who had not lived in vain, that it was
"used up considerable." Then he tossed it
away ; put his knife into one pocket and his
tobacco into another; rested his chin upon the
rail as before ; and approving of the pattern on
Martin's waistcoat, reached out his hand to feel
the texture of that garment.
'â¢ What do you call this now?" he asked.
" Upon my word," said Martin, " I don't
know what it's called."
" It'll cost a dollar or more a yard, I reckon ?"
" I really don't know."
" In my country," said the gentleman, " we
know the cost of our own pro-duce."
Martin not discussing the question, there was
"Well!" resumed their new friend, after
staring at them intently during the whole in-
terval of silence : " how's the unnat'ral old
parent by this time?"
Mr. Tapley regarding this inquiry as only
another version of the impertinent English
question â " How's your mother ? " would have
resented it instantly, but for Martin's prompt
" You mean the old country?" he said.
"Ah!" was the reply. " How's she ? Pro-
gressing back'ards, I expect, as usual ? Well !
How's Queen Victoria ?"
" In good health, I believe," said Martin.
" Queen Victoria won't shake in her royal
shoes at all, when she hears to-morrow named,"
observed the stranger. " No."
"Not that I am aware of. Why should she?"
"She won't be taken with acold chill, when
she realises what is being done in these dig-
gings," said the stranger. " No."
" No," said Martin. " I think I could take
my oath of that."
The strange gentleman looked at him as if in
pity for his ignorance or prejudice, and said :
" Well, sir, I tell you this â there ain't a en-gine
with its biler bust, in God A'mighty's free U-nited
States, so fixed, and nipped, and frizzled to a
most e-tarnal smash, as that young critter, in
her luxurious lo-cation in the Tower of London,
will be, when she reads the next double-extra
Several other gentlemen had left their seats
and gathered round during the foregoing dia-
logue. They were highly delighted with this
speech. One very lank gentleman, in a loose
MORE OF OUR REMARKABLE MEN.
limp white cravat, a long white waistcoat, and a
black great-coat, who seemed to be in authority
among them, felt called upon to acknowledge it.
" Hem ! Mr. La Fayette Kettle," he said,
taking off his hat.
There was a grave murmur of " Hush ! "
' Mr. La Fayette Kettle ! Sir !"
Mr. Kettle bowed.
" In the name of this company, sir. and in
the name of our common country, and in the
name of that righteous cause of holy sympathy
in which we are engaged, I thank you. I thank
you, sir, in the name of the Watertoast Sympa-
thisers ; and I thank you, sir, in the name of
the Watertoast Gazette ; and I thank you, sir,
in the name of the star-spangled banner of the
Great United States, for your eloquent and
categorical exposition. And if, sir," said the
speaker, poking Martin with the handle of his
umbrella to bespeak his attention, for he was
listening to a whisper from Mark ; " if, sir, in
such a place, and at such a time, I might venture
" I WAS MERELY REMARKING, GENTLEMENâ THOUGH IT'S A POINT OF VERY LITTLE IMPORT-
THE QUEEN OF ENGLAND DOES NOT HAPPEN TO LIVE IN THE TOWER OF LONDON."
to con-clude with a sentiment, glancing â how-
ever slantin'dicularly â at the subject in hand, I
would say, sir, may the British Lion have his
talons eradicated by the noble bill of the
American Fagle, and be taught to play upon
the Irish Harp and the Scotch Fiddle that music
which is breathed in every empty shell that lies
upon the shores of green Co-lumbia !"
Here the lank gentleman sat down again,
amidst a great sensation ; and every one looked
Martin Chuzzlewit, 12.
" General Choke," said Mr. La Fayette Kettle,
" you warm my heart ; sir, you warm my heart.
But the British Lion is not unrepresented here,
sir ; and I should be glad to hear his answer to
" Upon my word," cried Martin, laughing,
" since you do me the honour to consider me
his representative, I have only to say that I
never heard of Queen Victoria reading the
What's-his-name Gazette, and that I should
scarcely think it probable."
General Choke smiled upon the rest, and
said, in patient and benignant explanation :
" It is sent to her, sir. It is sent to her. Per
" But if it is addressed to the Tower of Lon-
don, it would hardly come to hand, I fear,"
returned Martin : " for she don't live there."
"The Queen of England, gentlemen," ob-
served Mr. Tapky. affecting the greatest polite-
ness, and regarding them with an immovable
face, " usually lives in the Mint to take care of
the money. She has lodgings, in virtue of her
office, with the Lord Mayor at the Mansion
House ; but don't often occupy them, in conse-
quence of the parlour chimney smoking."
" Mark," said Martin, " I shall be very much
obliged to you if you'll have the goodness not
to interfere with preposterous statements, how-
ever jocose they may appear to you. I was
merely remarking, gentlemen â though it's a
point of very little import â that the Queen of
England does not happen to live in the Tower
"General!" cried Mr. La Fayette Kettle.
" General !" echoed several others. "General !"
" Hush ! Pray, silence !" said General Choke,
holding up his hand, and speaking with a patient
and complacent benevolence that was quite
touching. " I have always remarked it as a
very extraordinary circumstance, which I impute
to the natur' of British Institutions and their
tendency to suppress that popular inquiry and
information which air so widely diffused even
in the trackless forests of this vast Continent of
the Western Ocean j that the knowledge of
Britishers themselves on such points is not to be
compared with that possessed by our intelligent
and locomotive citizens. This is interesting, and
confirms my observation. When you say, sir,"
he continued, addressing Martin, " that your
Queen does not reside in the Tower of London,
you fall into an error, not uncommon to your
countrymen, even when their abilities and moral
elements air such as to command respect. But,
sir, you air wrong. She does live there â "
"When she is at the Court of St. James's;"
" When she is at the Court of St. James's, of
course," returned the General, in the same
benignant way : " for if her location was in
Windsor Pavilion it couldn't be in London at
the same time. Your Tower of London, sir,"
pursued the General, smiling with a mild con-
sciousness of his knowledge, " is nat'rally your
royal residence. Being located in the imme-
diate neighbourhood of your Parks, your Drives,
your Triumphant Arches, your Opera, and your
Royal Almacks, it nat'rally suggests itself as the
place for holding a luxurious and thoughtless
court. And, consequently," said the General,
" consequently, the court is held there."
"Have you been in England?" asked Martin.
"In print I have, sir,"' said the General, "not
otherwise. We air a reading people here, sir.
You will meet with much information among us
that will surprise you, sir."
" I have not the least doubt of it," returned
Martin. But here he was interrupted by Mr.
La Fayette Kettle, who whispered in his ear :
" You know General Choke ?"
" No," returned Martin, in the same tone.
" You know what he is considered ?"
" One of the most remarkable men in the
country?" said Martin, at a venture.
" That's a fact," rejoined Kettle. " I was
sure you must have heard of him !"
" 1 think," said Martin, addressing himself to
the General again, " that I have the pleasure of
being the bearer of a letter of introduction to
you, sir. From Mr. Bevan, of Massachusetts,"
he added, giving it to him.
The General took it and read it attentively :
now and then stopping to glance at the two
strangers. When he had finished the note, he
came over to Martin, sat down by him, and