her excited gentleman-usher. " Do tell ! oh, well,
now ! on'y think ! "
And then she read aloud, as follows :
" Two literary ladies present their compliments
to the mother of the modern Gracchi, and
claim her kind introduction, as their talented
countrywoman, to the honourable (and distin-
guished) Elijah Pogram, whom the two L. L.'s
have often contemplated in the speaking marble
of the soul-subduing Chiggle. On a verbal in-
timation from the mother of the M. G., that she
will comply with the request of the two L. L.'s,
they will have the immediate pleasure of joining
the galaxy assembled to do honour to the patri-
otic conduct of a Pogram. It may be another
bond of union between the two L. L.'s. and the
mother of the M. G. to observe, that the two
L. L.'s are Transcendental."
Mrs. Hominy promptly rose, and proceeded
to the door, whence she returned, after a minute's
interval, with the two L. L.'s, whom she led,
through the lane in the crowd, with all that
stateliness of deportment which was so remark-
ably her own, up to the great Elijah Pogram.
It was (as the shrill boy cried out in an ecstasy)
quite the Last Scene from Coriolanus.
One of the L. L.'s wore a brown wig of un-
common size. Sticking on the forehead of the
other, by invisible means, was a massive cameo,
in size and shape like the raspberry tart which
is ordinarily sold for a penny, representing on
its front the capitol at Washington.
" Miss Toppit, and Miss Codger !" said Mrs.
" Codger's the lady so often mentioned in the
English newspapers, I should think, sir," whis-
pered Mark. " The oldest inhabitant as never
" To be presented to a Pogram," said Miss
Codger, " by a Hominy, indeed, a thrilling mo-
ment is it in its impressiveness on what we call
MARTIN CHUZZLE WIT
our feelings. But why we call them so, or why
impressed they are, or if impressed they are at
all, or if at all we are, or if there really is, oh
gasping one ! a Pogram or a Hominy, or any
active principle, to which we give those titles, is
a topic, Spirit searching, light abandoned, much
too vast to enter on, at this unlooked for crisis."
" Mind and matter," said the lady in the wig,
" glide swift into the vortex of immensity.
Howls the sublime, and softly sleeps the calm
Ideal, in the whispering chambers of Imagina-
tion. To hear it, sweet it is. But then, out-
laughs the stern philosopher, and saith to the
Grotesque, ' What, ho ! ' arrest for me that
Agency. Go bring it here ! ' And so the vision
After this, they both took Mr. Pogram by the
hand, and pressed it to their lips, as a patriotic
palm. That homage paid, the mother of the
modern Gracchi called for chairs, and the three
literary ladies went to work in earnest, to bring
poor Pogram out, and make him show himself
in all his brilliant colours.
How Pogram got out of his depth instantly,
and how the three L. L.'s were never in theirs,
is a piece of history not worth recording. Suf-
fice it, that being all four out of their depths,
and all unable to swim, they splashed up words
in all directions, and floundered about famously.
On the whole, it was considered to have been
the severest mental exercise ever heard in the
National Hotel. Tears stood in the shrill boy's
eyes several times ; and the whole company
observed that their heads ached with the effort
— as well they might.
When it at last became necessary to release
Elijah Pogram from the corner, and the Com-
mittee saw him safely back again to the next
room, they were fervent in their admiration.
" Which," said Mr. Buffum, " must have vent,
or it will bust. Toe you, Mr. Pogram, I am
grateful. Toe-wards you, sir, I am inspired with
lofty veneration, and with deep e-mo-tion. The
sentiment Toe which I would propose to give
ex-pression, sir, is this : ' May you ever be as
firm, sir, as your marble statter ! May it ever
• be as great a terror Toe its ene-mies as you.' "
There is some reason to suppose that it was
rather terrible to its friends ; being a statue of
the Elevated or Goblin School, in which the
Honourable Elijah Pogram was represented as
in a very high wind, with his hair all standing on
end, and his nostrils blown wide open. But
Mr. Pogram thanked his friend and countryman
for the aspiration to which he had given utter-
ance, and the Committee, after another solemn
shaking of hands, retired to bed, except the
Doctor : who immediately repaired to the news-
paper office, and there wrote a short poem, sug-
gested by the events of the evening, beginning
with fourteen stars, and headed, " A Fragment.
Suggested by witnessing the Honourable Elijah
Pogram engaged in a philosophical disputation
with three of Columbia's fairest daughters. By
Doctor Ginery Dunkle. Of Troy."
If Pogram was as glad to get to bed as Martin
was, he must have been well rewarded for his
labours. They started off again next day
(Martin and Mark previously disposing of their
goods to the storekeepers of whom they had
purchased them, for anything they would bring),
and were fellow-travellers to within a short dis-
tance of New York. When Pogram was about
to leave them he grew thoughtful, and after
pondering for some time, took Martin aside.
" We air going to part, sir," said Pogram.
" Pray don't distress yourself," said Martin :
" we must bear it."
" It ain't that, sir," returned Pogram, " not at
all. But I should wish you to accept a copy of
" Thank you," said Martin, " you are very
good. I shall be most happy."
" It ain't quite that, sir, neither," resumed
Pogram : " air you bold enough to introduce a
copy into your country ? "
"Certainly," said Martin. " Why not?"
" Its sentiments air strong, sir," hinted
" That makes no difference," said Martin.
" I'll take a dozen if you like."
" No, sir," retorted Pogram. " Not A dozen.
That is more than I require. If you are content
to run the hazard, sir, here is one for your Lord
Chancellor," producing it, " and one for Your
principal Secretary of State. I should wish
them to see it, sir, as expressing what my opi-
nions air. That they may not plead ignorance at
a future time. But don't get into danger, sir, on
my account ! "
" There is not the least danger, I assure you,"
said Martin. So he put the pamphlets in his
pocket, and they parted.
Mr. Bevan had written in his letter that, at a
certain time, which fell out happily just then, he
would be at a certain hotel in the city, anxiously
expecting to see them. To this place they re-
paired without a moment's delay. They had the
satisfaction of finding him within ; and of being
received, by their good friend, with his own
warmth and heartiness.
" I am truly sorry and ashamed," said Martin,
" to have begged of you. But look at us. See
what we are, and judge to what we are reduced !"
1 MARK TAKES A SITUATION.
" So far from claiming to have done you any
service," returned the other, " I reproach myself
with having been, unwittingly, the original cause
of your misfortunes. I no more supposed you
would go to Eden on such representations as
you received; or, indeed, that you would do
anything but be dispossessed, by the readiest
means, of your idea that fortunes were so easily
made here ; than I thought of going to Eden
" The fact is, I closed with the thing in a mad
and sanguine manner," said Martin, "and the
less said about it the better for me. Mark, here,
hadn't a voice in the matter."
" Well ! But he hadn't a voice in any other
matter, had he ? " returned Mr. Bevan : laughing
with an air that showed his understanding of
Mark and Martin too.
" Not a very powerful one, I am afraid," said
Martin with a blush. " But live and learn, Mr.
Bevan ! Nearly die and learn : and we learn
" Now," said their friend, "about your plans.
You mean to return home at once ? "
" Oh, I think so," returned Martin hastily, for
he turned pale at the thought of any other sug-
gestion. "That is your opinion too, I hope?"
" Unquestionably. For I don't know why
you ever came here ; though it's not such an
unusual case, I am sorry to say, that we need
go any farther into that. You don't know that
the ship in which you came over, with our friend
General Fladdock, is in Port; of course?"
" Indeed !" said Martin.
" Yes. And is advertised to sail to-morrow."
This was tempting news, but tantalising too ;
for Martin knew that his getting any employ-
ment on board a ship of that class was hopeless.
The money in his pocket would not pay one-
fourth of the sum he had already borrowed, and
if it had been enough for their passage-money,
he could hardly have resolved to spend it. He
explained this to Mr. Bevan, and stated what
their project was.
" Why, that's as wild as Eden every bit," re-
turned his friend. " You must take your passage
like a Christian ; at least, as like a Christian as
a fore-cabin passenger can ; and owe me a few
more dollars than you intend. If Mark will go
down to the ship and see what passengers there
are, and finds that you can go in her, without
being actually suffocated ; my advice is, go !
You and I will look about us in the meantime
(we won't call at the Norris's unless you like),
and we will all three dine together, in the
Martin had nothing to express but gratitude,
and so it was arranged. But he went out of the
room after Mark, and advised him to take their
passage in the Screw, though they lay upon the
bare deck ; which Mr. Tapley, who needed no
entreaty on the subject, readily promised to do.
When he and Martin met again, and were
alone, he was in high spirits, and evidently had
something to communicate, in which he gloried
" I've done Mr. Bevan, sir," said Mark.
" Done Mr. Bevan !" repeated Martin.
" The cook of the Screw went and got married
yesterday, sir," said Mr. Tapley.
Martin looked at him for farther explanation.
" And when I got on board, and the word
was passed that it was me," said Mark, " the
mate he comes and asks me whether I'd engage
to take this said cook's place upon the passage
home. ' For you're used to it,' he says : ' you
were always a cooking for everybody on your
passage out.' And so I was," said Mark, " al-
though I never cooked before, I'll take my
"What did you say?" demanded Martin.
"Say!" cried Mark. "That I'd take any-
thing I could get. ' If that's so,' says the mate,
' why, bring a glass of rum ;' which they brought
according. And my wages, sir," said Mark in
high glee, " pays your passage ; and I've put the
rolling-pin in your berth to take it (it's the easy
one up in the corner) : and there we are, Rule
Britannia, and Britons strike home ! "
" There never was such a good fellow as you
are!" cried Martin, seizing him by the hand.
" But what do you mean by 'doing' Mr. Bevan,
" Why, don't you see," said Mark. " We
don't tell him, you know. We take his money,
but we don't spend it, and we don't keep it.
What we do is, write him a little note, explain-
ing this engagement, and roll it up, and leave it
at the bar, to be given to him after we are gone.
Don't you see ?"
Martin's delight in this idea was not inferior
to Mark's. It was all done as he proposed.
They passed a cheerful evening ; slept at the
hotel ; left the letter as arranged ; and went off
to the ship betimes next morning, with such
light hearts, as the weight of their past misery
" Good bye ! a hundred thousand times good
bye !" said Martin to their friend. " How shall
I remember all your kindness ! How shall I
ever thank you ! "
" If you ever become a rich man, or a power-
ful one," returned his friend, "you shall try to
make your Government more careful of its sub-
jects when they roam abroad to live. Tell it
what you know of emigration in your own case,
and impress upon it how much suffering ma}- be
prevented with a little pains ! "
Cheerily lads, cheerily ! Anchor weighed.
Ship in full sail. Her sturdy bowsprit pointing
true to England. America a cloud upon the
sea behind them !
" Why Cook ! what are you thinking of so
lily?" said Martin.
" Why I was a thinking, sir," returned Mark,
" that if I was a painter and was called upon to
paint the American Eagle, how should I do it ?"
" Paint it as like an Eagle as you could, I
" No," said Mark. " That wouldn't do for
me, sir. I should want to draw it like a Bat,
for its short-sightedness ; like a Bantam, for its
bragging; like a Magpie, for its honesty; like a
Peacock, for its vanity; like an Ostrich, for its
putting its head in the mud, and thinking no-
body sees it — "
" And like a Phoenix, for its power of spring-
ing from the ashes of its faults and vices, and
soaring up anew into the sky!" said Martin.
'• Well Mark. Let us hope so."
ARRIVING IN ENGLAND, MARTIN WITNESSES A CERE-
MONY, FROM WHICH HE DERIVES THE CHEERING
INFORMATION THAT HE HAS NOT BEEN FORGOTTEN
IN HIS ABSENCE.
^vW;;;.^! was mid-day, and high-water in
«^Cl|kJf/f tne English port for which the Screw
^HlP'")') w;ls k° unc k when, borne in gallantly
pfe^iSr.v upon the fulness of the tide, she let
/; , ^r - jj go her anchor in the river.
' ' ' ! nh Bright as the scene was; fresh,
jsk" ^ and full of motion ; airy, free, and
" sparkling ; it was nothing to the , life
and exultation in the breasts of the two travel-
lers, at sight of the old churches, roofs, and
darkened chimney stacks of Home. The distant
roar, that swelled up hoarsely from the busy
streets, was music in their ears ; the lines of
people gazing from the wharves, were friends
held clear ; the canopy of smoke that overhung
the town, was brighter and more beautiful to
them, than if the richest silks of Persia had
been waving in the air. And though the water,
going on its glistening track, turned, ever and
again, aside, to dance and sparkle round great
ships, and heave them up; and leaped from off
the blades of oars, a shower of diving diamonds ;
and wantoned with the idle boats, and swiftly
passed, in many a sportive chase, through obdu-
rate old iron rings, set dee]) into the stonework
of the quays ; not even it, was half so buoyant,
and so restless, as their fluttering hearts, when
yearning to set foot, once more, on native
A year had passed, since those same spires
and roofs had faded from their eyes. It seemed,
to them, a dozen years. Some trifling changes,
here and there, they called to mind ; and won-
dered that they were so few and slight. In
health and fortune, prospect and resource, they
came back poorer men than they had gone
away. But it was home. And though home is
a name, a word, it is a strong one ; stronger than
magician ever spoke, or spirit answered to, in
Being set ashore, with very little money in
their pockets, and no definite plan of operation
in their heads, they sought out a cheap tavern,
where they regaled upon a smoking steak, and
certain flowing mugs of beer, as only men just
landed from the sea can revel in the generous
dainties of the earth. When they had feasted,
as two grateful-tempered giants might have done,
they stirred the fire, drew back the glowing
curtain from the window, and making each a
sofa for himself, by union of the great unwieldy
chairs, gazed blissfully into the street.
Even the street was made a fairy street, by
being half-hidden in an atmosphere of steak,
and strong, stout, stand-up English beer. For,
on the window-glass hung such a mist, that Mr.
Tapley was obliged to rise and wipe it with his
handkerchief, before the passengers appeared
like common mortals. And even then a spiral
little cloud went curling up from their two
glasses of hot grog, which nearly hid them from
It was one of those unaccountable little rooms
which are never seen anywhere but in a tavern,
and are supposed to have got into taverns by
reason of the facilities afforded to the architect
for getting drunk while engaged in their con-
struction. It had more corners in it than the
brain of an obstinate man ; was full of mad
closets, into which nothing could be put that
was not specially invented ami made for that
purpose ; had mysterious shelvings and bulk-
heads, and indications of staircases in the
ceiling ; and was elaborately provided with a
beU that rung in the room itself, about two feet
from the handle, and had no connection what-
ever with any other part of the establishment.
It was a little below the pavement, and abutted
close upon it ; so that passengers grated against
MR. PECKSNIFF IN STATE.
the window-panes with their buttons, and scraped
it with their baskets ; and fearful boys suddenly
coming between a thoughtful guest and the light,
derided him, or put out their tongues as if he
were a physician; or made white knobs on the
ends of their noses by flattening the same against
the glass, and vanished awfully, like spectres.
Martin and Mark sat looking at the people as
they passed, debating, every now and then, what
their first step should be.
'• We want to see Miss Mary, of course," said
" Of course," said Martin. " But I don't
know where she is. Not having had the heart
to write in our distress — you yourself thought
silence most advisable — and consequently, never
having heard from her since we left New York
the first time, I don't know where she is, my
"My opinion is, sir," returned Mark, "that
what we've got to do, is to travel straight to the
Dragon. There's no need for you to go there,
where you're known, unless you like. You may
stop ten mile short of it. I'll go on. Mrs.
Lupin will tell me all the news. Mr. Pinch will
give me every information that we want : and
right glad Mr. Pinch will be to do it. My pro-
posal is : To set off walking this afternoon. To
stop when we are tired. To get a lift when we
can. To walk when we can't. To do it at
once, and do it cheap."
" Unless we do it cheap, we shall have some
difficulty in doing it at all," said Martin, pulling
out the bank, and telling it over in his hand.
" The greater reason for losing no time, sir,"
replied Mark. " Whereas, when you've seen
the young lady ; and know what state of mind
the old gentleman's in, and all about it ; then
you'll know what to do next."
" No doubt," said Martin. " You are quite
They were raising their glasses to their lips,
when their hands stopped midway, and their
gaze was arrested by a figure, which slowly, very
slowly, and reflectively, passed the window at
Mr. Pecksniff. Placid, calm, but proud.
Honestly proud. Dressed with peculiar care,
smiling with even more than usual blandness,
pondering on the beauties of his art with a mild
abstraction from all sordid thoughts, and gently
travelling across the disc, as if he were a figure
in a magic lantern.
As Mr. Pecksniff passed, a person coming in
the opposite direction stopped to look after him
with great interest and respect : almost with
veneration : and the landlord bouncing out of
the house, as if he had seen him too, joined this
•ii, and spoke to him, and shook his head
gravely, and looked after Mr. Pecksniff likewise.
Martin and Mark sat staring at each other,
as if they could not believe it ; but there stood
the landlord, and the other man still. In spite
of the indignation with which this glimpse of
Mr. Pecksniff had inspired him, Martin could
not help laughing heartily. Neither could
" We must inquire into this !" said Martin.
" Ask the landlord in, Mark.''
Mr. Tapley retired for that purpose, and im-
mediately returned with their large-headed host
in safe convoy.
" Pray, landlord !" said Martin, " who is that
gentleman who passed just now, and whom you
were looking after ?"
The landlord poked the fire as if, in his
desire to make the most of his answer, he had
become indifferent even to the price of coals ;
and putting his hands in his pockets, said, after
inflating himself to give still further effect to his
" That, gentlemen, is the great Mr. Peck-
sniff ! The celebrated architect, gentlemen ! "
He looked from one to the other while he
said it, as if he were ready to assist the first
man who might be overcome by the intelli-
"The great Mr. Pecksniff, the celebrated
architect, gentlemen," said the landlord, " has
come down here, to help to lay the first stone
of a new and splendid public building."
" Is it to be built from his designs?" asked
" The great Mr. Pecksniff, the celebrated
architect, gentlemen," returned the landlord,
who seemed to have an unspeakable delight in
the repetition of these words, " carried off the
First Premium, and will erect the building."
" Who lays the stone ?" asked Martin.
" Our member has come down express," re-
turned the landlord. " No scrubs would do for
no such a purpose. Nothing less would satisfy
our Directors than our member in the House of
Commons, who is returned upon the Gentle-
" Which interest is that?" asked Martin.
" What, don't you know ! " returned the land-
It was quite clear the landlord didn't. They
always told him at election time, that it was the
Gentlemanly side, and he immediately put on
his top-boots, and voted for it.
'•When does the ceremony take place?"
" This day," replied the landlord. Then
pulling out his watch, he added impressively,
" almost this minute."'
Martin hastily inquired whether there was any
possibility of getting in to witness it ; and find-
ing that there would be no objection to the
admittance of any decent person, unless indeed
the ground were full, hurried off with Mark, as
hard as they could go.
They were fortunate enough to squeeze them-
selves into a famous corner on the ground,
where they could see all that passed, without
much dread of being beheld by Mr. Pecksniff
in return. They were not a minute too soon,
for as they were in the act of congratulating
each other, a great noise was heard at some
distance, and everybody looked towards the
gate. Several ladies prepared their pocket-
handkerchiefs for waving ; and a stray teacher
belonging to the charity school being much
cheered by mistake, was immensely groaned at
" Perhaps he has Tom Pinch with him,"
Martin whispered Mr. Tapley.
" It would be rather too much of a treat for
him, wouldn't it, sir?" whispered Mr. Tapley in
There was no time to discuss the probabili-
ties either way, for the charity school, in clean
linen, came filing in two and two, so much to
the self-approval of all the people present who
didn't subscribe to it, that many of them shed
tears. A band of music followed, led by a
conscientious drummer who never left off. Then
came a great many gentlemen with wands in
their hands, and bows on their breasts, whose
share in the proceedings did not appear to be
distinctly laid down, and who trod upon each
other, and blocked up the entry for a consider-
able period. These were followed by the
Mayor and Corporation, all clustering round
the member for the Gentlemanly Interest ; who
had the great Mr. Pecksniff, the celebrated
architect, on his right hand, and conversed with
him familiarly as they came along. Then the
ladies waved their handkerchiefs, and the gentle-
men their hats, and the charity children shrieked,
and the member for the Gentlemanly Interest
Silence being restored, the member for
the Gentlemanly Interest rubbed his hands,
and wagged his head, and looked about him
pleasantly ; and there was nothing this
member did, at which some lady or other
did not burst into an ecstatic waving of her
pocket handkerchief. When he looked up at
the stone, they said how graceful ! when he
peeped into the hole, they said how condescend-
ing ! when he chatted with the Mayor, they
said how easy ! when he folded his arms they
cried with one accord, how statesman-like !
Mr. Pecksniff was observed too ; closely.
When he talked to the Mayor, they said, Oh,
really, what a courtly man he was ! When he
laid his hand upon the mason's shoulder, giving
him directions, how pleasant his demeanour to
the working classes : just the sort of man who
made their toil a pleasure to them, poor dear
But now a silver trowel was brought ; and
when the member for the Gentlemanly Interest,
tucking up his coat-sleeve, did a little sleight-of-
hand with the mortar, the air was rent, so loud
was the applause. The workman-like manner
in which he did it was amazing. No one could