31. Do you frequent places where members of the opposite

sex are? Yes

32. Do you like to watch baseball, football or boxing? Yes

33. Have you "gone steady" with two or more persons? Yes

36



Your Chances of Getting a Mate You'll Life

34. If a girl do you live west of the Mississippi or if a man

do you live in the East? Yes No

The correct answer to the first three questions is no, and to all the
remaining thirty-one questions yes. If you answered twenty-five or more
of the questions correctly then you have a high "expectancy" rating. If
you answered only eight or less of them correctly then your chances of
marrying are definitely poor unless you take action to improve your
eligibility.



37



Chapter III
Are You Ready for Married Love?

THE ANSWER to this question is deceptively simple. You are ready if
you are old enough. But how old are you?

There are several yardsticks besides the calendar for measuring
your age. Educators enjoy telling the story of the wise young orphan.
When a sweet old lady leaned over and asked him his age the
young man removed his glasses, polished them thoughtfully for a
minute and then replied:

"My psychological age, Madam, is twelve years; my moral age is
ten years; my social age is eight years; my anatomical and physi-
ological ages are respectively six and seven; but I have not been
informed of my chronological age. That, I understand, is a matter
of comparative insignificance."

When we ask you if you are old enough to marry, we mean
mature enough. And maturity, as it bears on your readiness for
marriage, can be measured in at least five ways : physiological, men-
tal, vocational, sexual and emotional maturity. By these standards
some people are not old enough to marry when they are thirty-five!

How OLD ARE You PHYSIOLOGICALLY? The adolescence of the early
teens is characterized by rapid bodily growth growth in height,
weight and sexual development. By eighteen, however, you are
nearly as tall as you will ever be. Sexual growth, while not complete
(especially for a girl), has reached a point where reproduction is
possible. General growth slows down considerably and by twenty-
four has just about stopped. For purposes of marriage the average
person is "mature" physiologically by the age of twenty. But some
require more time, because of glandular disturbances.

38



Are You Ready for Married Love?

How OLD ARE You MENTALLY ? We do not mean what is your I.Q.,
which is a measure of your capacity to learn, but rather the accumu-
lation of your learning. In short, how wise are you? Normally a
person must live twenty-one or twenty-two years before he has seen
enough of life through schooling and practical experience to take
on the responsibilities that go with marriage. If you have led a
sheltered or one-sided life it will probably take longer.

How OLD ARE You VOCATIONALLY ? A man, certainly, is not mature
until he has established that he can earn a living. A college degree,
a license to practice medicine, to teach, or to practice barbering are
not enough. There must be a successful work record and that can-
not be present until a person has used his vocational knowledge to
make a living for a period of not less than one year.

Once it was thought that girls needed no special training voca-
tionally but that notion is pretty well outdated now. Modern women
like to feel independent, and frequently their ability to earn money
is called into use. Perhaps the husband is a disabled war veteran, or
perhaps the wife feels she needs a career to earn money. At the
least, the girl entering marriage should already be capable of man-
aging a home and that requires skill and knowledge that can't
be learned in a night club.

Since some occupations require many more years of education
and training than others, vocational maturity can fall anywhere
between eighteen and twenty-six, but for most people it doesn't come
until about the age of twenty-two.

How OLD ARE You SEXUALLY? Sexual maturity implies far more
than the ability to beget or bear a child. Most morons can do this.
Sexual maturity is largely determined by childhood and it is some-
thing most people either have or don't have.

A youngster who was reared by parents who were well balanced
emotionally, who were ready listeners to his problems, who ex-
plained comprehensively the magic and mystery of sex functions
to him, will usually be ready to face the problems of sexual adoles-
cence. During adolescence he will be subjected to many strains. He
will undergo many glandular changes and begin to have sexual

39



How 10 T*ic\ a Mate

capacity. The reproductive apparatus approaches maturity between
the ages of twelve and fourteen. The boy has emissions. The girl
begins to menstruate. Both often are disturbed or even frightened
by these new functions, unless the parent has been wise enough to
prepare them for the changes.

During adolescence they start "dating," which at first is done
self-consciously and awkwardly. Their state of mind is made more
nervous if the parents tease or ridicule these first steps in courting.

When the boy and girl emerge from adolescence about the age
of eighteen, they have achieved sexual maturity if all has gone well.
If so:

There is freedom from repression and inhibitions concerning sex.

There is no disgust or aversion as far as sex is concerned.

Likewise there is no abnormal curiosity or longing for sexual infor-
mation or experience.

He or she may still be shy or self-conscious at first when in the
presence of someone of the opposite sex but both soon get over it when
they find activities to share. This is normally easy because by eighteen
youngsters have acquired skill in dancing, card playing, sports, hobbies,
and conversing.

If by eighteen or twenty a person hasn't acquired sexual maturity
in the sense described, it might be a good idea to consult a marriage
counseling bureau, a college psycho-educational clinic, a psychologist
or some other person trained in helping normal people achieve
normal adjustments.

How OLD ARE You EMOTIONALLY? This is by far the most signifi-
cant of all your ages in determining your readiness to marry! Most
of the research on marriage indicates that people who lack "emo-
tional maturity" rarely achieve a happy marriage.

What is emotional maturity, you may ask? It's a state of mind
that includes ability to get along with people . . . ability to find
satisfaction and reward in work . . . ability to recognize and solve
problems which involve your relations with others . . . and finally
it includes freedom from instability and neuroticism.

As in sexual maturity (which is closely related to emotional ma-

40



Are You Ready for Married

turity) the first ten years of life are apparently the most important
in determining if you will be emotionally stable. Certainly by the age
of eighteen a person should have a pretty firm hold on his emotions.
If he has not acquired such balance by twenty-one or twenty-two
the outlook is not too promising, and he should deliberately set out
to achieve better control of himself.

A stenographer of twenty-four came to the Penn State Marriage
Counseling Service for advice after she had had a dozen promiscu-
ous affairs with men. She came from a broken home where her par-
ents had taken only an erratic interest in her and she showed seri-
ous signs of emotional instability, as do virtually all promiscuous
girls and men.

Here is the verbatim report that was written on Sandra. It pro-
vides a classic picture of emotional instability:

Sandra feels inferior, does many unconventional things, has few
standards or ideals. Badly maladjusted, she flits from one boy to another,
seeking new thrills. Quite promiscuous and highly sexed, she has had
sexual affairs with 12 or 13 men. Somewhat popular while in college,
with attractive face and nice figure, she was dated by many boys, none
of whom even went with her for more than four dates. Easily persuaded
to any course of action, she could readily excuse any breach of behavior.
Changeable and selfish, but anxious to be known as a "Campus Queen,"
she openly sought dates and a sort of dubious and short-lived popularity.

Because of her instability, total lack of standards, ideals and morals,
and her selfishness and shallowness, she is unlikely to marry unless she
catches a rich "sucker." She is in six "danger zones" on her Audit Profile.
May the Lord help the poor man who is inveigled into marriage. No boy
has ever proposed marriage to her, a fact that has hurt her vanity.

To pin emotional maturity down more specifically, here side by
side are eight traits, one or more of which are frequently noted in
persons who are considered "emotionally immature," and eight
noted in mature persons.

IMMATURE MATURE

1. Is aggressive and domineering. 1. Gets along with people.

2. Is rebellious and "bull-headed." 2. Has satisfying home life.

3. Is full of hates and prejudices. 3. Profits from his mistakes.

41



How to Pic\ a Mate

4. Is often victim of illusions. 4. Is successful in his work.

5. Has many phobias, inhibitions. 5. Respects authority and customs.

6. Is victim of imaginary pains, 6. He faces his problems.

stuttering, hysteria, tremors, 7. Accepts responsibility for own

insomnia. acts.

7. Is high-strung. 8. He is consistent and predictable.

8. Is often indecisive and anxious.

A person can be emotionally unstable and not show all of those
symptoms but he undoubtedly will show some of them.

What can anyone do to improve his control over his emotions, and
thus achieve greater emotional maturity? Here are a few sugges-
tions :

Try to loo\ at yourself objectively. Try to do so especially in con-
nection with your relations with others. Are you reasonable rather than
prejudiced? Can you recognize that a man may be a fine person even
though he is a Republican or a Democrat, that he is a good person even
though he may be a Protestant or a Catholic? Do you honesdy try to
make decisions on the basis of facts rather than on the basis of feelings,
or imaginary facts that are more agreeable to you? Sit down every few
weeks and try deliberately to look at yourself as others must see you.
Would you like yourself if you were someone else?

Learn to laugh at yourself. The person who can laugh at himself,
or who can laugh at the things he loves and continue to love them, is
the person who is most likely to have insight into himself. And that
insight is important in emotional maturity. If you have a sense of the
ridiculous you can see fun in many of your own activities, and in doing
so are able to relax and feel happy. You learn to laugh at your troubles,
yet at the same time do your best to improve the situation. This ability
to see the ridiculous side acts as a cushion and helps you maintain your
stability, even when things are most exasperating.

Set up a confidential relationship with some other person. Telling
your problems to another person helps you define the problem in your
own mind, it furnishes relief from the tensions you have built up, and
it brings another person's point of view into the picture. One of the
biggest single values in marriage is the fact that it provides husband
and wife a confidant in each other, and gives them the confidential rela-
tionship that is so important to mental integration.

42



Are You Ready for Married Love?

that satisfies you. Nothing will prevent you from getting
a hold on your emotions more than being confined every day to work
that is disagreeable to you. If you find it is uninteresting or doesn't
challenge you or doesn't offer any opportunity as a stepping stone to
more challenging work, change jobs. But do it intelligently, because the
person who is a frequent job-jumper is not a good marriage risk.

Recently we talked to a man who is forty-four years of age. He
had been divorced once, is now unhappily living with a second wife,
wants to divorce her and marry a third woman. His job record
shows that he has held thirty-nine different jobs in his life. Is it any
wonder that he is unlikely to find happiness or stability in life ? He
does not know what he wants, can't learn from experience, and is
pursuing a will-o'-the-wisp.

When you have a problem jacc it squarely. Define the problem, get
all the facts, and line up alternative solutions in case the first course isn't
successful. Many people seem incapable of defining their problems. When
they are faced with a frustrating situation, they frequently are unable
to vary their attack upon it. When a girl can't get her way she cries.
Crying may bring her some reduction of tension, but it does not solve
the problem. The emotionally mature person can keep his head, figure
out something to do, but the immature person gives up or cries or gets
drunk.

We have devoted so much more space to your emotional age than
to the other four ages physiological, mental, vocational and sexual
because it is so fundamental to marriage success. If you find after
reading this chapter you want to know more about developing your
own maturity, you will find further suggestions in the chapters
"Getting Along with the Other Sex/' "Attracting the One You
Want," and "Crucial Traits for Marriage Happiness."

When all the five "ages" are taken into consideration it would
seem that a girl should not consider marriage until she is at least
nineteen or twenty and the man should not before he is twenty-one
or twenty-two. Those are minimum ages for normal men and girls.
Those who develop slower than average in any of the five ages
should try to wait a year or two longer before deciding about mar-
riage.

43



How to PicJ{ a Mate
ARE YOU OLD ENOUGH TO MARRY?

Your chronological age is not as important as some of your other ages
in determining whether you are ready for marriage. The informal check
below may give you a rough idea of your maturity for marriage.
Physiological Maturity

Are you 20 years old or older? Yes No

Are you in general good health ? Yes No

As far as you know is your glandular balance normal ? Yes No
Mental Maturity

Did you finish the eighth grade without repeating more
than one grade? Yes No

Do you read the news daily? Yes No

By age 20 had you completed at least two years of college
or earned your own living for 2 years? Yes No

Vocational Maturity

Are you prepared by education or experience to make a
living in a specific occupation, or in managing a home? Yes No
Have you attained your 22d birthday? Yes No

Do you have a job doing work for which you have pre-
pared ? Yes No
Sexual Maturity

Have you been dating at least once a month since age 16? Yes No
Are your attitudes toward sex free from disgust or
aversion ? Yes No

Were your parents easy to talk to about sex? Yes No

Emotional Maturity

Do you get along well with people? Yes No

Do you trust people and do they trust you? Yes No

Do you usually do today what is supposed to be done
today? Yes No

Give yourself one point for each yes answer. You should have a total
score of at least twelve and should have no less than two yes answers in
each category if you are to be judged old enough to marry.

ARE YOU GROWN UP EMOTIONALLY?

More than almost anything else, your rating on "emotional maturity"
reveals your chances of achieving a happy marriage. Here is a more de-
tailed test of your rating on this crucial trait. Answer yes only if you
are sure.

44



Are You Ready for Married Love?

1. Can you accept criticism without having your feelings

hurt? Yes No

2. Are you normally free from jealousy? Yes No

3. When you have differences with people can you usually
work out compromises that satisfy you and don't leave

hard feelings? Yes No

4. Do you behave yourself because it seems the natural
thing to do and not because you fear the consequences

of misbehaving? Yes No

5. Do you think most people are honest, decent and worth

while? Yes No

6. Are you happy most of the time and free from violent
emotional outbursts? Yes No

7. Before beginning a new project or making a final de-
cision do you honestly weigh the arguments for and

against it? Yes No

8. Can you be away from the place you live for a month

without getting homesick? Yes No

9. Do you willingly abide by established authority and the

customs of your community? Yes No

10. Can you make your own personal decisions without
depending on friends and relatives to help you make

up your mind ? Yes No

11. Are you free from vague aches, nail biting, flustered
stammering? Yes. No

12. Can you postpone something you want to do now in

order to have greater enjoyment later? Yes No

13. Are you living zestfully in the present instead of brag-
ging about past deeds? Yes No

14. Do you go to sleep easily and normally slumber with-
out nightmares? Yes No

15. Do you get along well with your parents, relatives, and

close friends? Yes No

16. When things go wrong do you find the cause and cor-

45



How to Pic\ a Mate

rect it instead of blaming others or lamenting your bad

breaks? Yes No

17. Are you living up to the responsibilities which go along

with the privileges given to you? Yes No

18. Have you friends among both sexes, some older and

some younger than you are? Yes No

If you honestly answered yes to fourteen of these or more you are
more mature emotionally than the average person. If you answered yes
to sixteen or more you should have an exceptionally good chance for a
happy marriage.



Chapter IV
Is It Love-or Infatuation?

"LOVE" is unquestionably the most abused word in the English
language. People "love" puppies, or they "love" ice cream. Women
commonly close their letters to acquaintances with the word "love"
as do all relatives when they write to one another. Boys trying to
get a kiss from their girl friends mumble something about love.
That's to make the giving easier for the girl.

Then there are different kinds of genuine love. A mother loves
her two-year-old baby just as wholeheartedly as she loves her hus-
band. And she loves her husband now just as much as she did as a
girl eight years ago when she "fell" in love with him, but the love
is different. She was more misty-eyed then. She didn't realize it but
the earlier love was heavily flavored by sexual attraction. Now sex is
still present in her regard for her husband but the bond is primarily
a deep feeling of comradeship. And with the baby, of course, true
sexual feelings are not involved at all.

In all three of the cases, however, she had developed a deep con-
cern for the welfare of the loved one; and in all three of the cases
the loved one had similar feelings of attachment to her. Right here
you have the gist of true love, whether parental, conjugal or ro-
mantic.

Still, it is often difficult to know if your "love" is the real thing.
Two out of five of the girls who come to the Penn State Marriage
Counseling Service for advice about their affairs think they are in
love but aren't sure.

One girl was really confused. She reported that she was terribly
in love with two different men at the college. One was on the

47



How to PicJ^ a Mate

basketball team. The other played in a campus orchestra. She did
not know which one she loved the more and wanted to be told
which to choose. Tests soon established beyond a .doubt that she
had the warmest kind of physical feeling for both men. But the
tests also showed that she was primarily fascinated by them as
"catches." She wasn't actually in love with either, and was so in-
formed.

She was the victim of double infatuation. How can you tell love
from infatuation? Dr. Henry Bowman of Stephens College offers
these points of distinction:

Infatuation may come suddenly but loves takes time.

Infatuation can be based on one or two traits '(usually including sex
appeal) whereas love is based on many traits.

In infatuation the person is in "love" with love, whereas in love, the
person is in love with another person.

In infatuation the other person is thought of as a separate entity and
employed for self-gratification. In real love there is a feeling of identity
with the other person.

Infatuation produces feelings of insecurity and wishful thinking
whereas love produces a sense of security.

In infatuation you suffer loss of ambition, appetite, etc. whereas in
love you work and plan to please the other person.

The physical element is much more important in infatuation than in
love.

Infatuation may change quickly but love lasts.

In general you can be surer that it is really love if it has developed
over a period of time rather than if it comes all of a sudden.

But, you may ask, how about those couples who are "meant for
each other" and "fell in love at first sight." Both are nice romantic
notions, but both have little validity in fact.

There is no one person in the world for anyone. We don't expect
happily married couples or happily engaged couples to believe that
but all the evidence indicates it is true. There are hundreds, indeed
thousands, of people that you could fall in love with and be hap-
pily married to. (And there are, of course, thousands and perhaps
millions of people you would be miserable with as mates.) The

48



Is It Love or Infatuation?

only sense in which there can be a "one and only" for you is that
there may be only one good prospect within your range of possible ac-
quaintanceship. It is the multitude of good possible mates that some-
times makes it difficult for a girl to choose between two men. It is
the multitude of possibilities that produces triangular situations after
marriages; and it is this multitude of available mates in America
that makes it possible for a girl to find and love a man in her own
community rather than to have to go from Maine to California to
meet a "one and only."

As for instantaneous love, a girl has about as much chance of
"falling in love at first sight" as she does of becoming Cinderella.
At times couples experience "infatuation at first sight" which may
or may not later mature into love. And ordinarily the infatuation
is based about eighty per cent on sexual attraction. "Love at first
sight" also often occurs when you come across someone who hap-
pens to match your "phantasy ideal" for a mate. If you have always
dreamed of a bride with large brown eyes, a turned-up nose and a
shapely figure and you are ripe for mating you fall for the first
girl matching that description. It is a mighty hazardous way to
try to pick a mate.

Other people think they fall in love "at first sight" because they
are desperately anxious to have some one to hold to, and clutch
at the first person who comes along. They suffer from feelings of
insecurity. This was particularly true of girls during the war. One
girl who came to the Penn State clinic was rapturous about her
coming marriage to an army lieutenant stationed temporarily at
the college. Why did she love him? She was pretty vague about
that and seemed to resent the question. What did they have in
common in the way of interests and ideals ? The only thing she
could think of was that they both liked to bowl. It soon developed
that what she was in love with was the idea of getting married.
She was twenty-seven and nervous about her future. That she was
sincerely convinced she was in love with the man was a tribute
to her own powers of self-deception. She realized that she should
in all decency be in love with the man she was going to marry,
and convinced herself that she was.

49



How to PicJ^ a Mate

Frequently two people fall so madly in "love" soon after meeting
that they feel they must marry immediately. This tendency is so
well known that most marriage counselors rightfully question if a
state of true love exists when the two people feel they will die if
they don't get married tomorrow or next week. Real love can wait.
It can make sacrifices; it is not something that has to be rushed.
The more urgent the desire to get married immediately, the greater
the likelihood that it is infatuation and that the infatuation may
die out as abruptly as it sprang into being.

But why, you may ask, is love at first sight so improbable? Why
can't you fall in love as easily immediately as you can after weeks
of knowing each other?

Here we get to the essence of love, which Webster's dictionary
defines as: "Desire for, and earnest effort to promote the welfare
of, another." Love is not a trap you fall into. It is a state of respect
for and comradeship with another that has developed from the fact
that you both have similar tastes, ideals and yearnings. Such com-
radeship cannot come as a result of one date.