on the subject, and watch carefully how others around you behave.
One more thing if you are haunted by feelings of inferiority, learn
to do some one thing superlatively well, even if it is only table
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How to Picl^ a Mate
tennis or gin rummy. This will bring you recognition from the
group and ease your feelings of self-consciousness.
General Eisenhower has said that self-confidence is the greatest
asset one can have in the world. John Powers, originator of the
famed Powers Model Agency, tells his new models that the biggest
thing they have to learn is self-assurance, and he quotes to them
General Eisenhower's remark.
ARE You ALOOF ? Many young people, after they have been bruised
a couple of times in their early contacts with the opposite sex, wrap
their ego up in a protective shell so that no one can hurt them again.
Other people, particularly girls, want to be dated so badly and feel
so anxious about not being dated more that they "freeze" when any-
one approaches them for a date. They are anxious not to appear over-
anxious, and again aloofness results. Finally, girls who teach often
frighten men away through their aloofness. The teacher often car-
ries into her dating, unconsciously, the reserve she develops in the
classroom for disciplinary reasons.
Whatever the source of the aloofness, the attitude is interpreted
by the opposite sex as coldness and indifference. Possible dates are
frightened away because you appear unapproachable and perhaps a
bit haughty.
Do You HAVE A "Low BOILING POINT" EMOTIONALLY? Some of
us have built up emotional habits that prevent us from getting along
with persons of the opposite sex. We habitually lose our tempers,
act rudely, show our anxieties, or go to pieces. They lead inevitably
to quarrels with our boy friends or girl friends. If you are easily
upset by frustrations or anger you find yourself involved in temper
outbursts and profanity, both of which are highly repelling to any-
one in the opposite sex interested in you.
Do You DAYDREAM FREQUENTLY? The daydreaming itself does not
annoy others, but day-dreaming holds you back from appearing
at your best. Daydreaming is usually simply the imaginary represen-
tation of satisfactions you do not achieve in real life. When you let
your daydreams become a substitute for real archievement, your
76
Do You Frighten Possible Mai?s Away?
personality is definitely slipping and the outcome may be danger-
ous. If you must daydream, make it planful.
Do You OFTEN COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR HEALTH ? It is bad enough
for your marriage prospects to appear unhealthy. It is even worse
if you complain of your aches and pains. You not only bring the
other person's attention even more on your short-comings, but re-
veal yourself to be something of a hypochondriac, who is defined
in Webster's dictionary as a person suffering from "a mental dis-
order characterized by morbid anxiety as to the patient's health. . . ."
Do You BLAME YOUR TROUBLES AND MISTAKES ON OTHERS? This
is one of the most vicious mental habits one can get into. Psy-
chologists call it the habit of "projection." You project your failures
upon somebody else. The boy says he is not able to get along with
girls because his father will not let him have the car. The girl
blames her failure to have dates .upon her mother for not giving"
her the right kind of clothes. Such a habit is much more serious
than first appears. In the first place, one's listeners are not fooled
by such projections, and in the second place the individual who
gets into such a habit fails to profit by his mistakes. Thus he loses
opportunity for making improvement.
ARE You INTOLERANT OF PEOPLE WHO ARE NOT LIKE You ? Broad-
mindedness or tolerance is a trait we must have if people are to
like us. To be broadminded or tolerant, you usually need to be
both intelligent and well informed. Intolerance and bigotry are
either based on ignorance of other people or on a mind that knows
the facts but is all twisted up. One should not confuse broadminded-
ness with low standards and ideals. A broadminded person may be
tolerant of an individual whose own standards are low even though
the broadminded person tries to live by practical, realistic and
decent standards. You can be an unchanging believer in a particu-
lar religion or be an invariable follower of one political party, but
at least you should keep from ramming your personal views down
the throats of others. When you voice intolerances you usually
antagonize acquaintances who are startled by your narrow views.
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How to Pic\ a Mate
ARE You ARGUMENTATIVE? Many persons, because of their biases
or prejudices or emotional tension, constantly want to argue. They
hope by arguing to convince others of the correctness of their own
views. The loader they shout the more persuasive their argument
so they think. Actually, arguing rarely ever convinces anyone. And
the one sure result is that it will create hard feelings, if engaged in
vehemently. As long as a discussion can remain good humored and
considerate, with nobody raising his voice or becoming agitated,
worth-while ideas may be exchanged.
Do You BORE PEOPLE BY YOUR TALKING ? Do you chatter inanely or
do you annoy people by constantly talking "shop?" One can talk
about one's job without talking "shop." The important difference
is that he talks about those aspects of his occupation that will in-
terest an outsider with normal curiosity. And he talks about his
job only if the listener shows by smiling or nodding his head
that the subject intrigues him. Being able to talk is not nearly
so important as being able to talk in a congenial way. The congenial
person sees that conversations cover only topics that are mutually
interesting, and he avoids talking too much. Further, he is sensi-
tive enough to catch the mood of the other person and is flexible
enough to join in that mood. Finally, the congenial talker is sensi-
tive enough to lead the conversation away from subjects that will
only bring conflict.
ARE You SELF-CENTERED? Perhaps you were "spoiled" as a child or
are so richly endowed with physical charm or with talent you feel
yourself to be the center of the universe. For example, the girl may
have temper tantrums in public, she may humiliate her escort by
biting sarcasm or devastating scorn. Often her escort simply serves
as a foil for her "brilliance" or good looks. She frightens her man
away because he sees himself going through life as a planet in
her orbit. Such a girl is not seeking a husband as such; what she
wants is a background for her own personality. After being hurt
by her a few times a man runs away and seeks a girl who will pour
balm on his injured ego.
ARE You AGGRESSIVE? A man may offend decent girls by being
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Do You Frighten Possible Mates Away?
aggressively "on the make." A girl may be aggressive by being
a "gold-digger," and scare men away by being both expensive and
inconsiderate. Or she may be aggressive simply in the sense that
she is worried about the shortage of males and sets out grimly to
get a man before it is too late. In match-making, man is jealously
proud of his role of pursuer and does not want his traditional role
usurped by the skirted sex. Thus most men resent overj: signs of
aggression by a girl.
ARE You REPELLING PHYSICALLY? Most girls like to have a man
who is taller than they are. Feelings of prestige are involved.
Poor health, extreme tallness or shortness, extreme obesity or
thinness, very dark or very light complexion, poor motor coordina-
tion, seriously impaired vision, impaired hearing, unbecoming teeth,
body odor, a general appearance of being weak and easily tired
detract greatly from one's personality. Other things that detract
are bizarre features such as tattoos, the appearance of being under-
sexed. In general a person should never be more than twenty per
cent over or under the weight for his height.
In these days of modern medical science, plastic surgery, ortho-
dentistry, dermatology, etc., a girl or man can get rid of most
irregular features. And those that can't be removed can be over-
shadowed. The physical paralysis of the late President Roosevelt
did not influence people negatively because of the great personal
charm of the man. The impairment of hearing of Thomas Edison
did not diminish the respect and liking that people had for his
genius.
Odor is tremendously important in the impressions that one
makes on others. It is believed that one of the reasons men like
women and women like men is that their respective odors are agree-
able to each other. Halitosis, perspiration odors, clothing odors re-
sulting from wearing clothing in places of work where the air is
redolent with manufacturing processes, may ruin your chances
for marrying the one you want. Almost any girl or man who is
in good health, who is willing to take care of his teeth, who avoids
wearing clothing saturated with occupational odors and who is
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How to Pic1{ a Mate
careful to avoid perspiration smells can be wholesome and fra-
grant. Perfume should be used to enhance the true natural body
odor of the individual and not to mask unpleasant ones.
Actually, physical appearances rarely need hurt seriously a per-
son's chances of marriage providing they retain self-assurance. The
trouble is that a person with a prominent nose or big feet is so
concerned about the specific defects that he convinces himself he
presents an ugly appearance. He develops feelings of inferiority,
and that is where the real trouble begins.
The person who holds his head up, who can look you straight
in the eye, whose face is animated when he talks, is better looking
and better liked than the individual who does not do these things.
The restful physical position, the alert face and animated expres-
sion convey to others the feeling that you are poised. Poise and
self-confidence make up a large part of "good looks."
Assuming that after reading this chapter you have concluded
you have some bad habits that are hurting your chances of getting
a desirable mate, how can the habit be broken ? It is not easy. There
are two major thoughts to keep in mind in trying to break a habit.
First, once you decide to break the habit, you must not let any
exception occur. The reforming drunkard who has trouble walking
past bars knows that just one nip will set off a chain of violations.
The longer he can keep from drinking the weaker the urge to drink
becomes and soon he can pass bars without any trouble at all, and
in fact with scorn. The second idea in breaking a habit is to substi-
tute something in the habit's place. A person wants to stop eating
sweets. Several years ago one of the cigarette manufacturers sold
millions of cigarettes by proposing that a person with a sweet-tooth
should reach for a cigarette instead of a sweet. This was the principle
of substitution. A substitute for a boy who bites his fingernails may
be something like this. He can reason:
"I have a desire to bite my nails but I have a bigger desire not
to bite my nails. While it is difficult not to bite my nails it is much
more important that my nails look acceptable. if I am to get dates. I
would rather have dates than bite my fingernails." Such a bigger
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Do You Frighten Possible Mates Away?
goal may help you break any habit that offends people you want
to impress.
Girls probably are more concerned about the impression they
create than men. Here is some advice to women that one investi-
gator, a man, offered after making a study of the habits of women:
Don't wear styles that men consider queer.
Don't neglect the romantic illusion. Men are disillusioned by such
things as hair curlers, awkward positions and postures, unattractive
sounds in the throat, making up in public.
Don't fail to answer a man, and promptly, when he addresses you;
he may feel slighted by inattention.
Don't nag a man. Men flee to office, club, other women anywhere
but where the nagger is.
Don't tell off -color stories or use coarse language. Most men resent
them in women.
Don't show jealousy. All men abhor a jealous woman.
Don't compare your male companion unfavorably with another man.
Don't giggle, shriek or otherwise be loud to attract his attention.
DO YOU HAVE A NEGATIVE OR POSITIVE PERSONALITY?
Subtract five points for each of the repelling traits you possess. (Be
honest.) And add five points for each of the appealing traits you can
honestly claim as a consistent part of your personality.
REPELLING TRAITS APPEALING TRAITS
1. Jealous Broadminded
2. Irritable Loyal to friends
3. Unbecoming teeth Truthful
4. Unpleasant body odor Tolerant /
5. Intolerant Considerate
6. Uncomfortable in groups Affectionate
7. Full of anxieties Optimistic
8. Hot-tempered Good humored
9. Inclined to daydream Tactful
10. Rude Generous
11. Blame others for mishaps. Enthusiastic
12. "Go to pieces" when upset Ability to accept criticism
13. Bite your nails Admit mistakes
14. Loud in talking Don't make excuses
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How to Pic\ a Mate
15. Profane habitually Dress appropriately
16. Laugh at mistakes of others Possess good health
17. Flaunt your knowledge Friendly
18. Talk about your bad health Modulated voice
19. Argumentative Reasonable
20. Brusque Congenial conversationalist
21. Aggressive Neat
22. Uncooperative Clean
23. Lack confidence in self Correct use of English
24. Domineering Good posture and carriage
25. Selfish High ideals
26. Crude Consistently dependable
27. Egocentric (conceited) Naturalness
28. Gossipy Frankness
29. Unpredictable Attractive teeth
30. Envious of others Unselfish
If you ended up with a negative score you can feel fairly sure that you
are being handicapped in your association with the other sex by an unat-
tractive personality. In fact if you checked more than eight of the
repelling characteristics (regardless of the number of appealing traits
you checked) you have grounds for concern about the impression you
create. However if you checked five or less of the repelling traits and
ended with a total positive score of more than one hundred you ap-
parently have an unusually appealing personality.
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Chapter VIII
Attracting the One You Want
WILL You marry the one person you have met whom you would
like most to marry, will you have to be content with a second choice,
or will you have no choice at all? The answer will depend on how
appealing a person you are. And frequently that appeal can be
enhanced by knowledge of techniques for winning the romantic
interest of persons of the other sex.
The person who wants to win a mate must put three thoughts in
the prospective mate's head. You must make that person feel the
need of a mate . . . that you are the person who can best fit that
need . . . and that the time is ripe for marriage.
First, let's consider some of the things a girl can do to get a man
thinking along those lines:
She should talk about the man's basic needs in a subtle, impersonal
way by discussing such things as good food, comfortable furniture, fire-
places, a place where one can bring friends. She gets his ideas on the
style of home he likes, and gets his ideas about children. She does all
this in a friendly, optimistic way and avoids discussing some of the disad-
vantages that marriage often entails. Veterans are particularly responsive
to such an approach because their shifting, destructive life as fighting
men has filled them with a profound desire to settle down to a com-
fortable, creative life.
She appeals to the man's yearning for mastery (which every man
has) by giving him the opportunity to do most of the talking. She fol-
lows his words with genuine interest and tries to fall in with whatever
mood he is in. And she enthusiastically accepts his ideas about places
to go on dates and things to do. Definitely, she minimizes any mistakes
that he may make, blames him for nothing and keeps her complaints to
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How to Pic\ a Mate
herself, or lets them come out only as friendly, constructive suggestions.
She makes herself physically appealing.
She does not discuss any poor physical health she may have, nor does
she discuss any bad breaks or her possible knack for always getting into
trouble.
She lets him get the impression that other men are interested in her,
but makes it plain that they do not interest her nearly as much as this
particular man.
She does not run down other girls.
She makes it clear that she is sure he must be popular, and very suc-
cessful in his work.
She talks casually about her married friends and gets across the idea
that they are terribly glad they married.
She strives to make every occasion with this man an enjoyable one.
Finally she is not afraid to let him know that she likes him and that
his feelings toward her matter a great deal.
In short, the girl constantly sets up conditioning situations which
make the man feel good inside for having been with her. Soon
he'll start thinking that it would be nice to have that good feeling
inside for the rest of his life. That is the mood in which proposals
germinate.
What are some of the things a man can do to get a girl in a
receptive mood for a proposal? Here are a few:
If he is a shrewd, practical psychologist he can detect the chief
source of her feelings of inferiority. Most girls feel inferior about some-
thing, usually something about their appearance since that looms so
important to them. Perhaps they are acutely conscious of big hands or
thick ankles or mouse-colored hair. In such cases the man should reserve
his most enthusiastic compliments for those sites of anxiety. He does not
need to mention them specifically, but he should word the compliments
in such a way that those features are obviously included in his admira-
tion. The girl will be so grateful that she will want to be with the man as
much as she can just to hear him say such nice things.
The man should be "romantic" if it kills him. He should remember
that women inherently are much more sentimental than men. If it weren't
for feminine sentiment there never would have been a Valentine's Day.
The actual sex urge is not as strong in girls as it is in men, so they are
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Attracting the One You Want
much more interested in the forms of courting than in sex expression
itself. They want to be told again and again that you adore them.
The man, if he is adept, can play effectively on the girl's feeling of
insecurity. Security is the most important thing in the world to women.
Though girls can make their own living nowadays, most of them still
feel their greatest chance for real security lies in marriage. How can the
man play on these feelings of insecurity? by talking to the girl in detail
about her job, about her aspirations, her plans for the future. He can
accomplish the same result by the reverse technique of talking casually
and impersonally about all the things that stand for security in a
woman's mind. He can analyze house plans in a magazine with her; he
can talk about his own future at his job and the prospects that some day
he will have a job commanding respect and a substantial income.
The man should be self-assured with the girl and just a bit master-
ful. Despite all the feminine emancipation of the past few decades,
women admire he-men and sometimes yearn to be swooped up, whisked
away and relieved of all their problems.
He should be considerate and gentle with the girl and be careful
that he observes all the amenities of politeness. Women are more im-
pressed by etiquette than men.
He should be careful not to reveal any anxieties he has about his job
or his future generally.
He should let the idea seep out that he is now in a marriageable state
of mind and that other girls seem interested in him. Girls have a more
fiercely competitive spirit in their mate-seeking than men.
For people who are still a little baffled about the whole business
of courtship, we can pass on a tried and true formula for winning
a mate. We have seen it work wonders in scores of cases.
The amusing thing is that it was not designed for snaring mates
but for snaring customers for American products such as refrigera-
tors. It is sometimes called the AIDA advertising formula, named
from the first letters of the formula's four key words Attention,
Interest, Desire, and Action. To get a person to buy a refrigerator
you must first attract his attention, then generate an interest, instill
a desire to own the refrigerator, and then give him the final prod
that will impel him to go in and lay down his hard-earned money
for the machine.
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How to Pic1{ a Mate
When applied to your situation, it involves these four stages in
winning a mate: First, the prospective mate's attention must be
directed toward you. Upon noticing you, he must see something
that will arouse his interest. Then he must be stimulated to have a
desire to know you better. When desire is aroused sufficiently, action
(agreement to marry) results.
There are, of course, many approaches to attracting a person's
attention. A man has more liberties here in making himself seen
than a girl but let's consider some of the socially-approved ap-
proaches a girl can make. She can arrange for relatives, friends and
social and business acquaintances to introduce men to her. In this
her role can appear passive. Or she can use the be-where-men-are
approach by attending parties, meetings and community affairs
which by their very nature bring her into contact with men.
After winning the person's attention whether you are a man or
a girl the best way to arouse his or her interest is through con-
versation and not just any conversation. Here out of the whole
universe is one person before you. What kind of person is he or she ?
What are his or her interests? Unharness your curiosity and ask
friendly, tactful questions. And you should make it clear that you
regard the person's answers as worth-while. Emphasize the you
with such questions as "What do you think about . . ." or "^four
idea is the most sensible I've heard yet." Whether you are male or
female, learn to be a good listener, or rather a good interrogator.
Lead the person into topics he or she seems to relish discussing,
and if you see frowns or looks of discomfort change the subject.
Jim may be very much interested in photography. He will like
you if you ask him questions about his photography, whether he
develops his own pictures, the kind of camera he has, the unusual
pictures he has taken. However, you must use insight. Nana may
be an expert stenographer but may not be very proud of her voca-
tion and so would be more appreciative of questions about her
taste in clothes, about the different places she has lived, the books
she has enjoyed reading, the movie stars she likes, the places she
has visited.
If you are a congenial conversationalist you have undoubtedly
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Attracting the One You Want
gone a long ways toward arousing the interest of this person whose
attention you have. Now if you are still interested, begin asking
more personal questions about the person's background. Perhaps
this does not come until after several dates. The aim is to arouse
in this person a desire to know you still better. Tell him the things
you admire in the opposite sex. Intimate that you are sure he must
be very popular. By attributing such a personality to him, you create
in him a desire to know you better! Once this desire is firmly cre-
ated, a courtship has begun that may very well lead to the altar.
What traits do people especially look for in- mates? One study
of college women and college men found these traits to be men-
tioned most often:
GIRLS WANT IN MEN MEN WANT IN GIRLS
Congeniality Intelligence
Intelligence Beauty of form and figure
Companionship Congenial companionship
"Handsome" form and features Neatness
Wit Appealing dress
Good nature Good sportsmanship
Neatness Modesty
Sincerity Good morals
Dependability Sincerity
Good sportsmanship Wit
Sex appeal Sense of humor
Flexibility Sex appeal
Good morals Honesty
Honesty Truthfulness
Good manners Friendliness
At Penn State students were asked for the qualities they were
looking for in their future mate and a quite different list resulted.
They wanted their mate to have:
Honesty , Good health
Affection Love for children
Cleanliness Same religion
Sense of humor Neatness
"Good background" Have character
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How to Pic\ a Mate
Still another survey shows that if mature men are asked what
kind of woman they want for a wife, the majority will state that
they want a girl who is dark, reasonably slender, intelligent, with