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«WE ARE SEVEN"
A THREE-ACT WHIMSICAL FARCE
By
ELEANOR GATES
AUTHOR OP "the POOR LITTLB RICH GIRL," " SWAT
THE PLY I" ** THE BIOGRAPHY OP A PRAIRIE
GIRL," "the plow-woman," ETC.
THE ARROW PUBLISHING COMPANY
116 West Fipty-Ninth Street
New York
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Copyrioht^ 1915, by
Thk Arrow Publishing Company
AU righU reaened, induding that of iranalaHon into foreiifn language;
including ihe Scandinavian
This play may he publicly read vfitKout epecial permieeion,
but att acUng righle are r»eened by the author
*'We Are Seven *' was dramatized by the author from her ehort
etory, **Agatha*» Beeort" copyrighted 1909 by International
Magazine Company. "Agatha^e Becort** is contained in the
volume, **The Justice of Oideon,** by Eleanor Oates, copyrighted
1910 by The Macaulay Company
v\'
^Google
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J
AFFECTIONATELY DEDICATED
TO ALL DIANTHAS— AND TO
THEm DREAMS I
0>j 0-| O^ Digitized by Google
FOREWORD
One of the staple jokes of the day is to the effect that everyone is
writing plays. Happily, it is true that never in the history of the world —
so far as we can judge — ^have so many people tried their hand at drama-
making. This bodes well for the future of the domestic play output.
The human animal is, above everything, else, dramatic. Who has not
seen a tiny baby, by its tearless weeping, stir a whole household to action P
And the first instinct of the toddling child seems to lean toward "pre-
tending.** Is not a desire to write plays the natural development of
our very earliest tendencies P
Playwrights who are established, as well as those who have had only
lesser success, are frequently appealed to by ambitious beginners. Often
these appeals are for collaboration; more often they are for advice in the
preparation of a script. '* I can manage my dialogue,*' writes one aspirant,
from a far-Western hamlet; ** but please send me two or three typed
pages — so that I can see how to describe my scenes, and put in my direc-
tions. Also shall I make drawings for my play P '*
I do not say that the typewritten script of "We Are Seven " is tech-
nically faultless. It is sufficiently correct, however, to be acceptable to
any director. And — except that the leaves of this volume are printed
on both sides; that the printed letter takes the place of the typed; and
that, naturally enough, no explanation of abbreviations is ever furnished
a directOT — this book is an exact copy of the " working " script of the
play. The farce had its metropolitan premiere at M axine Elliott's Theatre ;
it is now being given in "stock ** in different cities of the United States and
Canada. And this "working** script is being sent the Stock Managers
for their productions.
I hope, therefore, that the play in the form here presented will be of
some slight assistance to a few, at least, of the many who are in doubt
over the preparation of their typewritten work.
Eleanor Gates.
New York, April 8th, 1915.
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CAST OF CHARACTERS
PBIgR^VERY
COLONEL AVERY
DIANTHA KERR
MISS LAVINIA CONNAUGHTON
DR. FANNY GRANT
SAMUEL LAWRENC E
EmLEP^ARTIN
QEXSUC^OOTH
Xg^eitEUS MORRISON
FETTER
HANS
HARRIET
DEVOL
PERCY DEVOL
LIEUT. SHEEHAN
PATROLMAN HAYES
PATROLMAN KEITH
INTERPRETER FARLEY
THE BOOTBLACK
THE NEWSBOY
THE TAGGER
THREE EXTRA GIRLS, ONE EXTRA BOY
SYNOPSIS
ACT I— LAW OFFICES OF LAWRENCE & AVERY
ACT n— LIBRARY AT MISS CONNAUGHTON's
ACT III — AMERCER STREET POLICE STATION
PLACE, NEW YORK
TIME, THE PRESENT
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ACT I
DIAGRAM OF SET
■Door '
Library
ClocK'
\
Window
Door
Chair O
Chair
P
X — ^To cross.
G — Center.
R— Right.
L— Left.
L G — Left center.
R G— Right center.
♦ABBREVIATIONS:
U L G— Up left center.
R 1 E — ^Right first entrance.
R 2 E — Right second entrance
(door as drawn).
R 8 E — ^Right third entrance.
L 1 E — ^Left first entrance.
L 2 E — Left second entrance.
U R G — ^Up right center. L 3 E — Left third entrance.
*All tJiese abbreviations are not used in this play
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ACT I
The set is a reception-room at the offices of Lawrence ef Avery^
AttomeysHU-laWf and suggests the occupancy of an old soldier.
There is a solid door at -/?-2->£-, a second solid door - (/-/?-C-, leadr
ing into the hall^ and a third door -U-L-C'^ leading into the library.
All doors have transoms. When the door - U-LrC^ is open^ shelves
of law books can be seen. There are two windows in the -L- flat,
through which can be seen the tops of tall buildings. The office is
handsomely furnished^ but the furniture is of the period of twenty^
five years ago.
Down -L- is a large^ flat desk; there is a chair behind i7, and other
chairs are set at either end. On the desk is a telephone. Set
against the -R- wall of the room^ on the up-stage side of the door,
is a second desk, with a chair in front of it; another chair is down
'R-C-.
Up-stage from the desk -i?- is an old-fashioned, revolving book-
case. Up *C- against the wall, between the doors -R-C- and
'IrC'y is a small office safe. Up -L-, between a window and the
library door, is an old-fashioned grandfather's clock. A rug covers
the floor, and on the ivalls are pictures of Lincoln and Grant; also
an etching showing a battle, and a diploma in a heavy frame
At rise, Peter Avery is discovered walking to and fro nervously.
He is about 25 years of age.
Philip Martin enters - U-R-C- with a wire basket filled with
opened correspondence. He goes to back of desk down -L-C-.
7
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[ACT I] "WE ARE SEVEN"
PHILIP
Hello, Peter I
PETER
Oh, heUo, Phill
PHILIP
I suppose you're framing up some new stunt this lovely morning.
PETER
I am NOT !
PHILIP
0-o-oh ! I just thought you seemed to be in one of your
imaginative moods.
PETER
There you've got it ! Imaginative moods I Phil, when I grind
ahead like the rest of you fellows, I'm bored to death. And
when I let myself go —
PHILIP
You get us all into trouble !
PETER
Oh, I know it I And I've made up my mind.
PHILIP
To what?
PETER
I don't belong in a law office.
PHIUP
Well, it's no place for flights of fancy.
8
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WE ARE SEVEN" [ACT I]
PETER
{Assents.)
So Fm going to leave.
PHIUP
Leave?
PETER
And do something else I
PHILIP
What — for instance ?
PETER
I haven't decided yet — but, I —
PHILIP
Now, Peter, go slow I Remember that you're in a nice mess
right this minute over your last inspiration.
{Sam enters up -L-C-. He has three law books.
Slips are interleaved occasionally to which he refers
during the following scene. He is back of desk "IrC-.)
PETER
Oh, call it by its right name, Phil. Inspiration I It was a
low, practical joke I
PHILIP
Hello, Sam I
{Sam and Phil exchange looks. Phil goes -i?-; bus*
with books.)
SAM
Peter Avery, you seem to be talking like a common, ordinary
human being this morning.
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[ACT I] "WE ARE SEVEN"
PETER
{Down -L-.)
Well, Sam I / know what I Ve done. This is the worst joke
Fve ever slipped over — the most caddish — the most c<mi-
temptible —
SAM
Oh, now, Peter, — !
PETER
It IS, Sam I The idea of sending a woman physician on a
wild-goose chase I
SAM
Do you know Dr. Fanny Grant?
PETER
No, but I've heard a lot about her. I heard she was a stunner
for looks, and a corking doctor. But that she hates men.
SAM
I guess she does — now I
PETER
Well, that's what started me I Here's a chance, I said to myself,
to have some fun with Henry and Phil and Thad and — and
you.
SAM
So you telephoned her to make a sick call on each one of us I
PETER
And I thought it was funny I
SAM
That's the curious psychology of the practical joke !
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WE ARE SEVEN " [ACT I]
PETER
When you first think of them, they seem so damned funny I
SAM
What did you tell her was the matter with me?
PETER
I just sent word that you were — suffering.
SAM
Well, she charged me a suffering price.
PETER
Charged!
SAM
I dropped ten dollars to her over the bannisters I
Ten I
(Pays.)
PETER
(Thad enters - U-R-C- and
goes
to door -R-.)
This squares you I
SAM
ThadI
PETER
Oh, hello, Peter I
THAD
Thad,—
iXes to Thad.)
PETER
WeU?
THAD
11
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\ACT I] "WE ARE SEVEN"
PETER
How much did the Doctor charge you ?
THAD
I handed her five dollars through a crack in the door.
PETER
Five!
{Pays Thad.)
THAD
Thanks I
{Exits -JR-.)
PETER
Thank you I
SAM
Well, it's lucky for you, Peter, that Thad and I paid.
PETER
{Startled; follows Sam.)
What d'ye mean, lucky?
SAM
Well, you sent in fake calls for a physician, didn't you ?
PETER
Yes, what about it?
PHILIP
{Xing 'D'R- of Peter.)
Disorderly conduct, isn't it, Sam ?
SAM
It is, if you don't pay.
12
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'n
'*WE ARE SEVEN" [ACT I]
PETER
Disorderly conduct 1
PHILIP
(To Sam.)
How about Henry? Did he pay?
PETER
I hope so I
PHIUP
Wait a minute 1 I'll see I
(Calls through door -i?-.)
Henry I Henry I
{Henry enters at -JR-.)
SAM
Henry, did you pay the Doctor ?
HENRY
No, I didn't have any money.
SAM
Fine, or imprisonment, or both I
PHILIP
Phew!
PETER
Henry I
{Takes him by the arm.)
She didn't motor all the way to Yonkers?
HENRY
She certainly did 1
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lACT I] "WE ARE SEVEN"
PETER
I forgot you lived so far out I
HENRY
She arrived at two o'clock this morning,
SAM
Two o'clock I
HENRY
Women doctors seem to have no sense of the conventions I
PETER
Oh, don't say that 1 Oh I I never dreamed she made visits so
late I That's terrible I Oh, two o'clock, and Yonkers I
{Drops into chair -R-C-.)
HENRY
{To Peter.)
What did you do it for?
PHILIP
Don't kick 1 — a person who lives in Yonkers ought to be glad
to have someone drop in on him occasionally.
HENRY
Not at forty dollars a drop I
SAM— PHILIP— PETER
{In chorus.)
What?
{Sam rushes up to safe, kneels, tvorks combination.
Peter rises, watches him fearsomely.)
PHILIP
She taxed you forty?
14
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WE ARE SEVEN" [ACT I]
HENRY
{Nods.)
And I didn't even see her.
{Peter Xes -I/-, halls; looks al floor.)
PHILIP
We've got to pay that forty or you'll be arrested 1
{Peter makes helpless gesture.)
SAM
{Without turning.)
Boysl
{Philip and Henry rush to him.)
It — won't — open I
{Peter faces fronts rigid with guilt and apprehension.
Sam^ Philip and Henry turn upon him. Sam points
accusing finger.)
Peter — Avery !
(Sam, Philip and Henry march down^ halt in line,
-fl- of Peter.)
PETER
{Nods.)
I changed the combination I
SAM
{Sorrowfully.)
Peter I This practical joking of yours is a malady I
HENRY
And it's chronic I
PHIUP
Where's the new combination ?
15
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[ACT I] ''WE ARE SEVEN"
PETER
{As he goes through all his pockets hastily.)
I wrote it down 1
(Remembers.)
On the library table — at Uncle's.
SAM
{To Henry.)
Go after it — quick I
HENRY
{Holds ba£k.)
But, Sam, why can't peter — ?
SAM
Rushl Rushl
( Henry exits -R-.)
{To Peter.)
And you'd better lay low for a couple of days, or that Doctor
will nail you I
PETER
I wish she would 1 I deserve it 1 Yes, I do I I hope she arrests
me and locks me up I It'd teach me a lesson, and that's what
I need 1
SAM
Well, you certainly do need a lesson.
PHILIP
Yes, we don't want to lose you —
SAM
No, we want to cure you. That's it, we want to cure you I
{Exits 'R'.)
16
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i
**WE ARE SEVEN" [ACT i]
PHILIP
Well, you've treated me fine, haven't you? Left me out —
and I'd enjoy a call from a good-looking Doctorine I
(Goes to bookcase.)
(Telephone rings.)
PETER
(Goes to desk -L-, takes receiver.)
HeUoI HeUoI Who?
(Startled.)
Is she a tall woman — with a little satchel ?
(Relieved.)
Ohl
(To Philip.)
Two ladies and a gentleman to see Mr. Lawrence, Senior. Miss
Lavinia Connaughton, Miss Kerr and Mr. Devol. Ask them to
wait, Phil.
(Philip exits - U-R-C-, leaves door open.)
(Peter closes door after Philip^ closes transom over
door-R-; into phone.)
Six, six, six River. Hello — hello 1
(Waits nervously.)
Hello — hello I Please take this message. Tell Dr. Grant
that Mr. Philip Martin is better — understand ? He's BfuCH
better, and he won't need her, so don't let her come. Well,
what IS your number ? Six, six, six br yant 1 Central I Cen-
tral I Oh, never mind I
(Closes phone, starts -/?-.)
(Colonel Avery enters - U-L-C". He is pa^l middle
age: of the old-school type; military. Philip follows
with card in his hand. Colonel is changing his street
glasses for reading glasses.)
17
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[ACT I] "WE ARE SEVEN"
COLONEL
(Dawn -C-.)
Good morning, Peter, — good moromg I
PETER
{Embarrassed.)
Good morning, Uncle I
{Pause; bursts out.)
Oh, I want to tell you that I'm ashamed.
COLONEL
I'm glad to hear it, sir.
PETER
Uncle, I've played my last practical joke I
COLONEL
You've said that a good many times, sir.
PETER
And I always mean it. And I'm sorry.
COLONEL
What good does being sorry doP Find the lady, and make
your apology.
{Reaches for card.)
{Peter starts - U-L-, catches sight of safe, halts, sidles
through door - U'L-C-.)
Did you say someone wanted to see me P
PHIUP
Well, they nro want to see Mr. Lawrence —
18
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WE ARE SEVEN " [ACT i]
COLONEL
(Surprised.) t
Well 1 Well I Miss Lavinia Gonnaughton I
{Hands card to Philip and goes -L-.)
PHILIP
{Puzzled.)
Shall I ask them to call again ?
COLONEL
Did you tell them that Mr. Lawrence is out of town ?
PHILIP
No, sir, but I will I
{Starts . U'R'.)
COLONEL
No, no. I should like to see her. Ask them in here.
{PauseSj goes -L-, undecided; shows subdued excite-
ment; exits - U'L'C'.)
{Philip bows, exits - U-R-C-.)
DIANTHA
{Off stage - U-R-.)
Keep your distance, I say 1 Keep your distance I
DEVOL
{Off stage.)
You FORGE me to be rude I
{Diantha bojcks in - U-R-C-. She is dainty, pretty,
and about twenty; modishly gowned. In her right
hand she carries a cbsed parasol, with which she jabs
at Devol, who follows her, making motions of shooing
her in. Devol is middle aged, dapper; wears cut-
away; carries silk hat.)
19
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[ACT I] "WE ARE SEVEN*'
DIANTHA
Yoa'll be sorry if I poke your eye out I
DEVOL
This is a most unpleasant duty I
(Auntie follows Devol, comes -C-. She is in her
forties, attractivej richly dressed, but with old-fashioned
touches in bonnet and gown. Philip enters behind
her. Diantha goes -R-C-, stands pouting. Devol
halts between her and the door; keeps an eye on her.
Philip follows Auntie down.)
PHILIP
(To Auntie.)
Colonel Avery will see you.
AUNTIE
Colonel Avery ?
PHILIP
Mr. Lawrence and Colonel Avery are now associated.
AUNTIE
Colonel ROBERT Avery ?
PHILIP
Yes, Madam.
{Exits - fZ-L-C-.)
AUNTIE
WeUI WeUI
(Goes -L-.)
(Diantha sits -i?-C-. Auntie sits -R- of desk -I/-.)
DEVOL
(To Auntie.)
Then you shan't be able to see Mr. Lawrence ?
20
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"WE ARE SEVEN" [ACT i]
DIANTHA
I'm glad of it ! We'll get an unbiased opinion from a stranger I
DEVOL
{To Auntie. Lowers voice.)
Shall you need my further assistance?
{Glances at Diantha.)
AUNTIE
{Arranges skirts.)
I can handle the situation I
DEVOL
Then, may I suggest — ?
DIANTHA
You'd better toddle along.
AUNTIE
Diantha I
DEVOL
{To AurUie.)
May I suggest that I secure for you the list of people made
homeless by that fire ?
AUNTIE
Very well, — and especially the names of the women.
DIANTHA
And the babies I
AUNTIE
Oh, the babies, of course.
DEVOL
The mothers are probably out on the sidewalk this moment,
seated on the few things they saved from the flames I
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[ACT I] "WE ARE SEVEN"
AUNTIE
Oh, poor souls I
DEVOL
Would you like me to take a — er — small sum with me for
themP
AUNTIE
Of course 1
{Opens purse^ hands him roll of bills.)
Here 1 This is for food and beds. When they're comfortable,
investigate the neediest cases.
DEVOL
Ah 1 Miss Gonnaughton, what a generous soul you are, and
what a pleasure it is to serve you in this humane capacity I
{Pockets money, exits up -i?-C- hastily.)
DIANTHA
Oh, how mortifying to have to come here 1
AUNTIE
I'm sorry you feel that way about it.
DIANTHA
Colonel Avery, whoever he is, will tell you that a college graduate
IS old enough to go about this town by herself.
AUNTIE
Like other young women, college graduates need protection.
DIANTHA
Oh, what wnx he think when he hears what you've come for I
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"WE ARE SEVEN'' {ACT I]
AUNTIE
He will think it highly advisable.
DIANTHA
For a woman who's getting material for a thesis P
AUNTIE
{Lowers voice.)
Diantha, I wouldn't feel as I do if it weren't for your shocking
ideas. But — ^you cannot go about alone I
DIANTHA
{Rises.)
Shocking ideas !
{Spiritedly. Comes -C-.)
As if anything that means progress for the human race can be
in the sughtest degree improper.
AUNTIE
Why should you worry about the human race?
DIANTHA
But what is every young girl preparing for?
AUNTIE
For a marriage with some good man.
DIANTHA
Marriage ? Do you mean a marriage that takes no account of
possible —
C8
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[ACT I] "WE ARE SEVEN"
AUNTIE
Diantha I
{Pause.)
In my youth a nice girl didn't even think about such things
before she was married,
DIANTHA
A-a-ah I That's another reason why we haven't finer citizens
today. Suppose all women followed your line of conduct, and
didn't marry?
AUNTIE
Diantha I That's unkind !
DIANTHA
Oh, I beg your pardon.
AUNTIE
And please don't refer to my spinsterhood before — Colonel
Avery I
DIANTHA
Why not?
(Auntie makes warning gesture.)
{Col. Avery enters - U-Lr-C-; both he and Auntie are
embarrassed. Auntie rises.)
COLONEL
{Bows.)
Er — Miss Connaughton t
AUNTIE
Colonel Avery —
{Bows.)
My niece, Miss Kerr.
{Diantha hows.)
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**WE ARE SEVEN" [ACT I]
COLONEL
How do you do, Miss Kerr I
(To bolh.)
Please don't stand 1
(Auntie sits -it- of desk -L-. Diantha at -R-; and
Cohnel above desk at -L-. There is an awhvard
pause,)
I regret that Mr. Lawrence is not here ; that is — I'm sorry
you are disappointed by his absence.
AUNTIE
What we wished to get from Mr. Lawrence was a little advice —
DIANTHA
Not I, Auntie, — you I
COLONEL
And the nature of that advice ?
AUNTIE
To be as brief as possible, then: This child —
DIANTHA
{To Colonel.)
Please note that, from my Aunt's viewpoint, I am still a
juvenile.
(Xes, during speech, to chair -Lr- of desk at -L-.)
{Cohnel bows.)
AUNTIE
Diantha is making a study of —
DIANTHA
{Proudly.)
Sociology I
25
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[ACT I] "WE ARE SEVEN"
AUNTIE
A study that takes her into places where a lady should not
be seen alone.
COLONEL
You don't accompany herP
AUNTIE
I could never keep up with her.
COLONEL
WeU.Mr. Devol— ?
AUNTIE
Mr. Devol is too busy with my secretarial work — ^and other
matters.
DIANTHA
{To Colonel; astonished.)
Oh I Do you know Mr. Devol ?
COLONEL
{Embarrassed.)
I met him years ago at Miss Gonnaughtcm's.
DIANTHA
Why, I thought you and Auntie were strangers I
COLONEL
{Exchanges look with Auntie.)
Oh, no I
AUNTIE
Not quite I
w
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WE ARE SEVEN " [ACT I]
DIANTHA
Well, where have you been all these years?
{Auntie and Cohnel are greatly embarrassed.)
Oh, I see. And you didn't know you were going to meet here
today?
AUNTIE
No I .
COLONEL
Oh, no !
DIANTHA
How interesting ! How romantic I And you were friends
when you were both —
AUNTIE
Diantha I We're taking Colonel Avery's valuable time.
DIANTHA
Yes, Auntie I
(To Cohnel)
Now that I look at you, your face does seem familiar. As if
I'd seen your photograph, or —
AUNTIE
You're mistaken I
COLONEL
{To Auntie.)
You were saying — ?
AUNTIE
Day after day this girl, wholly unattended, goes into the most
barbarous parts of the city, where the streets fairly teem with
— with foreign humans !
27
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[ACT I] "WE ARE SEVEN"
DIANTHA
Auntie doesn't realize that a girl meets with every courtesy on
the East Side I
COLONEL
The East Side?
DIANTHA
(Nods.)
You see, Fm working on a thesis for my Masters Degree.
AUNTIE
Masters Degree I One day it's the Cigar Makers* Union. The
next, it's an assemblage of shirtwaist workers. Or she goes
inspecting horrid tenements !
DIANTHA
{To Colonel; enthusiastically.)
Social phenomena, in all their various phases, interest me in-
tensely. I am especially allured —
{Auntie starts.)
by the deductive and predictive stages of the science.
{Auntie sinks hack relieved.)
COLONEL
And what, may I ask, is the subject of your thesis?
DIANTHA
{Declamatory.)
Realizing that culture has remained backward in those things
which are decisive for the formation of a new and higher race, —
{Auntie again leans forward apprehensively.)