Emma Florence Cunliffe.

Southern accent, Sept. 2008-Apr. 2009 (Volume v.64) online

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are welcome to attend. I f you
opt out, then suck it up, cup-
cake, and have a great year.

Have Southern men turned in their armor for halos?

Matthew Hermann


Since 1892, young men and
women have come to Southern
to be educated, make friends
and maybe take a relationship
to the next level. However,
there is no question (espe-
cially for females) that the dat-
ing scene at SAU has been in a
relative state of decline. Lef s
just get to the point— where
have all the men gone? From
a male student's perspective,
I will give you an answer that
may be hard to swallow, but
true in every respect.

A man's mind is complex,
yet so simple. Dopamine, the
chemical that gives us the sen-
sation that we are "in love," is
what rocks our brains when
we go on a date or have that

first kiss. Dopamine recep-
tors can also be stimulated
when we listen to music or
play basketball. It is nature's
way of giving us satisfaction.
For millennia, dopamine re-
ceptors have been responses
for legitimate and honorable
activities like asking a woman
to dinner. However, new kids
on the block are encroaching
on the same receptors, threat-
ening the very drive that will
land you a hot date.

Unfortunately, many com-
puter-based forms of enter-
tainment like video games and
pornography are rendering
dating obsolete. Dopamine,
that special chemical, gets re-
leased in massive quantities
when men game for hours
on end. Like any drug, men

must play more and more to
get the same high. Since the
brain has only a fixed number
of dopamine receptors, there
is scarcity. Women must now
compete with the intimate re-
lationships men have had with
their video games since they
were ten. That's not all; many
women may never even get a
chance to compete. Too many
Saturday nights have I walked
around Talge seeing the same
blue haze in every other guy's
window. Some men never
leave their dorm rooms be-
cause they are so infatuated
with their games. This, in turn,
has caused confusion amongst
the female population as to
where the men have gone.

While some ladies may be
depressed to hear this horrible

news, it gets worse. Video
games are here to stay because
as men play them more, they
become less dateable. First,
video games are always willing
to give men their fix. Never
on a date could a man ask the
woman if he can reload the
scenario due to the date go-
ing sour. Second, men who
become addicted to video
games will, if they choose to
date, experience a withdrawal
of quantities of dopamine that
women cannot give. The result
is extreme irritability and an
unstable relationship. LasUy,
video games create a physique
in a man that is unattractive.
I mean, excessive gaming has
never produced muscular,
athletic men. Unfortunately,
you may experience

a depressed attraction to men
as they play video games more
and more.

Southern, once an oasis for
Adventist young people to find
arespectable man has nowbe-
come socially segregatedbased
on gender. Many would-be
honorable men have been re-
duced to addicts hooked on
their technology. This makes
the demand for dateable men
high and the supply danger-
ously low, a scenario which
could even force women to ask
men on dates, orworse. I have
no solution except to ask men
one and all to spend more time
outside the gaming world. In
that way, women could even-
tually meet the knights in
shining armor they've always
hoped for.




Rachel Hopkins
Lifestyles Editor
[email protected]


you think you know about your geography

dpkins prettygoodatgeography.Ican, hear about, but also to learn at million people according WT

ono. at the very least, tell you what least a little about every coun- to a 2006 census.

continent a country is on, and try in the world! And here's Size: 105,792 sq. ■

id but true fact: I've three out of five hmes. I'll win the best part. I'm taking you miles. 1

It's a sad but true fact: I've
never been out of the county.
All right, that's not entirely
true. I have been to Canada
and Puerto Rico; but Puerto
Rico is a U.S. commonwealth,
so that hardly seems to count.
And you'd think that since I've
spent so much time in this
country, I would have been
to all 50 states by now. Nope,
haven't done that either. But
believe it or not, in spite of the
obvious travel deficiency that
seems to exist in my life, I'm

prettygoodatgeography.I can,
at the very least, tell you what
continent a country is on, and
three out of five times, I'll win
the game of Name-That-U.S.
Capitol. However, my hopes of
ever winning a geography bee
were dashed during the recent
Beijing Olympics. There were
countries competing that I had
never heard of in my 22 years
of existence. Tuvalu? Eritrea?
Gabon? Where have these
countries been all my life? I
realized that my education
regarding foreign countries
could not end in high school.
I am committed not only to

hear about, but also to learn at
least a Tittle about every coun-
try in the world! And here's
the best part. I'm taking you
with me on this exciting world
tour of knowledge! Just call
me Carmen Sandiago. I'll try
to enlighten you on a country
I haven't heard of at least once
a month. Who needs Adventist
Colleges Abroad when you've
got the lifestyles page?

Country: Burkina Faso

Capitol: Ouagadougou (no
typos necessary)

Location: Landlocked in
Western Africa

Population: Just over 13.6

million people according
to a 2006 census.
Size: 105,792

Why Visit: With
events like the Pan-Af-
rican Cinema and Tele-
vision Festival of Oua-
gadougou (held during
odd numbered years),
the International Arts
and Crafts Show of Oua-
gadougou (held even
years), the International
Festival of the Theater
and the Puppets of Ouagadou-
gou, you would hardly have
time to be bored

zinfo about Burkina Faso

check out burkinaembassy^usa.

Inglish on Englishing your way through school

Chelsea Ingush


"Some people have a way
with words, and other people
not have way." -Steve Mar-

Steve is right. There are
those who seem to never stam-
mer or hesitate. They never
find themselves in a situation
where they are at a loss for
words. They use six-syllable
words you've never even heard
of in everyday conversation.
Try not to hate them, but don't
feel inferior to them either;

simply chuckle and change the
subject , then look up the word

Then there are those of
us who, according to Steve,
"not have way." We sprinkle
our conversations with "you
know..." and "what's the word
I'm looking for..." which leads
the other person to awkwardly
try to help us figure out what
we're talking about.

But people have discovered
a way to compensate for our
failure to grasp our native lan-
guage—make up new words.

Or rather, make eveiything
into a verb. I'm guilty of it
myself. In church I complain
that the speaker isn't "mic-
ed," I "text" during class and I
always "Google" words I don't

But really, how far are we
going to take this? "Yeah, I
convocationed today, but I was
totally late-ing again, so I car-
ed over there." Or how about,
"I can't pizza now, I'm term-
papering." You might think
this is clever, and perhaps it is ,
but intelligent it is not.

I would submit that we stop
trying to reinvent the English
language to meet our meager
mastery. It isn't necessary to
speak like Winston Churchill,
or Martin Luther King, Jr.,
both of whom commanded the
English language to soar with
their thoughts, and fixed their
quotes in the pages of our his-
tory books. For those of us
with less verbal talent, keep it

I'm not suggesting that we
never indulge in the linguistic
shorthand of turning nouns

into verbs. But we shouldn't
loose ourability to buildproper
sentences and paragraphs. As
speakers of English, we should
strive to, well, speak English.
So, from time to time, prac-
tice! Expand your vocabulary,
make yourself clear, and throw
a well-turned phrase into your
writing. Don't be like Bucky
the Cat, from the comic ship
"Get Fuzzy," who proclaims
that "You can wordify any-
thing, if you just verb it!"


Not sure what to do this
weekend? Here are a few
ideas to get you headed in the
right direction.

Antique Car National

Cleveland, TN (Bradley
County Courthouse Square,
355 0coeeSt.)
Friday, Sept. 19 at 11 a.m.

423-559-0836 for more de-
tails or Chattanoogafun.com/

Rock City's Enchanted

Rock City Gardens, Lookout


Open Saturdays until 10 p.m.,

Sunday - Noon to 8 p.m.

$9 until 6 p.m., $10 after


Chattanooga Rally For

South end of Walnut Street
Bridge, Chattanooga
Sunday, Sept. 21 at 2:20 p.m.

Join parents, college andhigh
school students and peace
lovers as they walk with signs
(optional) across the bridge to
Coolidge Park.

The Chattanooga Rally for
Peace Facebook site, chatta-
noogafun.com/events or call
Erica Tuggle at 991-9955

Road to Freedom: Photo-
graphs of the Civil Rights

High Museum of Art, Atlanta
Open Sunday, Noon - 5 p.m.
$15 for students, 17 and under

Atlanta Braves vs. Mets

Turner Field, Atlanta
Sunday, Sept. 21 at 1:35 p.m.
Tickets start at $6

Get Your (jXZZT\ On

Vexation: Wasting Pa-
per. Those poor trees...

Solution: There are
probably a million, but this
week's is to print your as-
signments or papers using
both sides of the page.

Check with your teachers
to see if you can turn your

work in this way. There are
many who won't mind at
all, and if they do have a
problem with it, ask them
why they hate the environ-
ment so much. That might

Clarification: This is a
really simple step to literal-
ly cut your paper consump-
tion by up to 50 percent.
Pretty impressive, huh?
"Tip from suiteioi. com




Zack Livingston

Sports Editor

[email protected]

Phelps goes 8 for 8 in 2008

Davis Wallis

For years now many peo-
ple have been anticipating
the 2008 Summer Olympics,
and in August they finally ar-
rived. There were many ques-
tions leading up to the sum-
mer games. Could Michael
Phelps surpass Mark Spitz's 7
gold medals in one Olympic
year and become the greatest
Olympian ever?

Phelps was able to put all
doubt to rest as he captured
an Olympic record eight gold
medals in 200m free, loom fly,
200m fly, 200m IM, 400m IM,
4x100m free relay, 4x200m
free relay, and 4x100m med-
ley relay. He broke the world
record in four of his five indi-
vidual swims and three world
records in the relays. Not only
did he exceed Mark Spitz' s 36-
year-old record of winning 7
gold medals in a single Olym-
pic year; but this gives him 14
career gold medals, which is
also another Olympic record.


Michael Phelps reacts after winning the gold medal in the men's 100-
meter butterfly final during the swimming competitions in the National
Aquatics Center at the Beijing 2008 Olympics.

For the most part, Michael
Phelps had commanding leads
and won with ease except in
the 4x100m freestyle, where
teammate Jason Lezak made a
triumphant comeback to keep
Phelps' hopes for 'eight gold
medals alive. Inthe loom but-
terfly Michael Phelps was able
to stretch out Serbia's Milorad
Cavicbyo.lofasecond Some

people may say that Phelps is
now the greatest Olympian
ever; others go as far as the
greatest athlete ever. I guess
there is only one question left
to ask after an astonishing
performance like this. What is
he going to do for an encore in
2012 in London?

Everybody scores ... We Get The Runs

Zack Livingston

Spnars Fnrrrtg

The heat is cooling and
the leaves are falling around
Southern's campus and that
could only mean one thing.

Despite the rained out sea-
son opener, intramural soft-
ball is going strong. Team didn't crumble under pres-
Shazam and team We Get The sure and they proved that they
Runs faced off Wednesday aren't talking about diarrhea

ting them up 11-10.

"We really didn't make any
fielding errors, " said Kenny
Turpen, Shazam shortstop.
"We just didn't hit our pitch-
es and swing a level bat and
that' s how the cookie crumbles
sometimes." "

Team We Get The Runs

If your team wants to be in-
cluded in defeating them make
sure you have some Pepto-Bi-
somol handy on game night or
you can take the loss and find
. the nearest restroom.

Athletic politicking

Zack Livingston

Since the beginning of pres-
idential history, candidates
have always attempted to por-
tray themselves as physically
superior or equal in light to
their opponent. No candidate
wants to look inferior to their
opponent in any way, shape or
form. Last election we heard
Sen. John Kerry emphasize
his Purple Heart history, while
George Bush secretly stood on
stools during the debates, to
match Sen. Kerry s height.

Besides war and foreign
policy experience, sports and
athletic resumes have also
been a medium for candidates
to compare. Regardless of
who is the better candidate,
overall the more macho one
feels superior.

Few realize that many of
our presidents started out as
popular athletic figures before
they dived into politics. Dem-
ocratic presidential candidate
Baraek Obama was number
23 at Hawaii's Punahou High
School, long before Michael

Jordan made that number y 0ur repertoire as a presiden-
famous. He was nicknamed na j candidate. With all the
"Barry O'Bomber" for his ex- irrelevant information flying
plosive jump shot. Republican around about our candidates,
presidential candidate John ; t actually fits right in. Lets
McCain, not too active now, f, e honest, we'll be impressed
was known for his dominant ;f obama goes from the free-
skills on his high school wres- throw line for a dunk, or Mc-
tling team. Cain pins Hulk Hogan to the

From Theodore Roosevelt's ground, however, thats not
Rough Rider reputation as a . wri y we 'U v ote for them.

boxing champion in Jame-
stown to Ronald Reagan's
football character portrayed
in his movies, playing the jock
card seems to have always
been a preference in forming
a president's image Although
the effort is appreciated, does
it really have an effect on
younger voters?

"I think that's a pretty shal-
low route to voting," said Eric
Nietezl, freshmen biology ma-
jor. " I'm more interested in
their underlying morals rather
than their wartime heroics or

McCain has visited with
sports figures such as Lance
Armstrong and New York
Yankees manager Joe Girardi
in an attempt to identify with
and emphasize a common
ground between himself and
a younger more athletic ori-
ented generation of. voters.
While Obama visited troops
in Kuwait he also decided to
show his skills by burying a
three pointer on the court for
the crowd.

Spoils and athleticism are
always a good trait to add to

when they shout their victory-
slogan and team name. . . we get
the runs.

"Our defense stalled off a
little rough," said Brandon
Todd of We Get The Runs,

night displaying exactly why
Southern Softball is far from

It was a hard fought match
with sliding scores, cheer-
ing fans, and diving catches.

Shazam controlled the major- "but we pulled enough 11
ity of the game but didn't have 1 together to get the job done."
enough hicks up then- gloves Even though thefve only
to win it all. The score was tied played three games only one
until Tanner Brogan of We Get or her team has been success-
The Runs, made the game- fjj i n stopping We Get The
winning hit to drive Brandon Runs, from getting the runs
Todd to the home plate put- ne eded to win.








Black Christian Union
Praise Team | is looking for
skilled and talented musi-
cians that would enjoy play-
ing gospel, contemporary
worship, and hymn music at
Vespers, Adoration and BCU
church services. All instru-
ments are welcome, especially
keyboards, drums/percussion,
guitars, horns, strings and
winds Please contact Reese
Godwin (Praise Team Leader)
at [email protected]
if interested.

Food Drive] Now through
Nov. 21, Psi Chi will be host-
ing a food drive to benefit
the Samaritan Center. Six
donation bins are, located
throughout campus in Talge,
Thatcher, Thatcher South, the
Village Market, the Cafeteria
and in Summerour. Dona-
tions will benefit families in
need throughout the holiday
season. What better way to
help use up those extra dollars
on jyour meal plan before the
end of the semester? Please
be gracious and donate a few
non-perishable food items be-
tween now and Nov. 21 and
help make someone's holiday
season a little happier.

Prayer Groups | 7:15
a.m. M-F near the flag pole;
12:00 p.m. M W F in the Stu-
dent Center seminar room;
5:00 p.m. M-F at the foun-
tain between Hackman and
the library.

Sunbelt Cohutta Springs
Triathlon' The 25th Annual
Sunbelt Cohutta Springs Tri-
athlon will take place on Oct.
5 at Cohutta Springs Confer-
ence Center. For fuither de-
tails visit the Web site: http: //
Applications are available
online or you can register at
http://www.active.com/ Un-
der 24 years of age is $30 for
individuals and $60 for re-
■klay teams until Sept. 22 and
™ $45 for individuals and $75
for relay teams until Sept. 20.
For registration information
contact Kari Shultz, Director
of Student Life & Activities.
For general race information
contact Bob Benge in lies P.E.
Center. There is race day regis-

] Upcoming events calendar

September 19

SM Re-Entry Retreat

7:45-loa - SA Senate
Refreshment Day (Prom-

na-4p - Senior Pictures
(Student Center)

7:42p - Sunset

8p - SEYC Vespers. Ivor
Myers (lies P.E. Center)

9:i5-iop - SEYC Booths
open (lies P.E. Center)

September 20

9:30-10:153 - Continen-
tal Breakfast (Collegedale
Church Fellowship Hall)

SEYC Sabbath School-
Michael Hasel (lies P.E.

10a - French SS worship
service (Miller Hall 201)

10:15a - Saltworks
Sabbath School (Seminar

9:75 Sabbath School (Col-
legedale Church Fellowship

SMC Sabbath School
(Gospel Chapel-upstairs)

Adoration - John Nixon
(Collegedale Church)

10:30a - SEYC Worship
Service- Jay Rosario (lies

P.E. Center)

11:30a - Connect (for-
merly The Third) - Jackie
James (Collegedale Acad-^

SEYC Church (lies P.E.

11:45a - Renewal - Stu-
dent Led Worship - John
Nixon (Collegedale Church)

i2p - SEYC Booths open

2p - SEYC Seminar Ses-
sions (Collegedale Church)

5p - SEYC Booths open

7P - SEYC Sabbath Con-
secration Service-Jay Rosa-
rio Oles P.E. Center)

73°P _ Evensong: Or-
ganist James Bowen (Col-
legedale Church)

8p - SEYC Booths open

9p - Joker Release Party
(Student Park-Goliath Wall)

September 21

5-8p Faculty Recognition
Riverboat Cruise (Southern

September 22

First Day of Autumn
4P - University

New Club/Dept.
Student Organization appli-
cations due to Student Life
and Activities

7p - Employer Panel
(Brock 333) Convocation

September 23


9a-5p - Last day to return

textbooks with a drop slip

to Campus Shop

7 & lop - Residence Hall

Joint Worship

September 24


7:3op -Percussion, Chen
ZimbaMsta (Ackerman Au-
ditorium) Convocation

September 25

11a - Convocation: Stu-
dent Association, Gary
Pavela flies P.E. Center)

3:30p - Graduate Council
(Robert Merchant Room)

7: 30p -Art & Music, Lori-
Gene & Peter Cooper (Ack-
erman Auditorium) Convo-
cation Credit!

nation but the price is higher.
View Southern' It's al-
most time for View Southern
(Sept. 22-24). We have over
500 seniors from the South-
ern Union Academies that will
be visiting campus for three
days. Their visit will be jam-
packed with events and activi-
ties that are geared towards
answering the question "Why
Southern?" We hope you'll
enjoy seeing the new faces
around campus and will wel-
come them with our famous
Southern hospitality

News Channel 9, Erlanger
and Northwestern Mutual Fi-
nancial Network will be rep-
resented. Monday, Sept, 22 at
7pm. in Brock 333. All majors
welcome. Convocation Credit!

Employer Panel | Learn
about the do's and taboo's
of interviews, resumes and
dress Local companies such
as Enterprise Rent-A-Car,

September 19-Brenan
Vega, Brittany Jacobson, Ede-
ly Yepez, Erick Pena, Jacque-
lyn Wood, Kimmy Barton, Mi-
chael Morgan, Nikki Johnson,
Philip Dade

September 20-Alesia
Overstreet, Brittanya Netzel,
Joanna Folkman, Lizbeth Cu-
ervo, Natalie Almeter

September 21-Bradley
Child, Brenda Adeleke, Chase
Stowell, Edgar Ramirez, Julie
Lechler, Kristin Welch Mur-
phy, Lauren Scliilt, Livie Nieb,

Paula Clarke

September 22-Char-
ity Espina, Kati Pettit, Leroy
Abrahams, Matthew Disbro,
Michael Sigsworth, Michail
Gumbs, Sarah Clark, Sarah
Holloway, Stacy Scott, Tucker
Coston, Wyntre Robinson

September 23-Alex San-
chez, Amy Sorensen, Beth
Dunbar, Erika Khair, Jose
Escobar, Kelsey Belcourt,
Melissa Starks, Sara San-
tosSeptember 24-Dan-
iel Wood, Joseph Swaine,
Natalia Mendez, Rebekah
Reutebuch, Salina Neuman,
Terry Evans

September 25-Darrin
Djernes, Julie Vincent, Justin
Spady, Philip Sagadraca, Ra-
chel Byrd, Steven Dull


Seeking Female House-
mate: Looking for a female
to live with 3 other girls 1 mile
from Southern. Private room,
shared bath, wireless Internet,
cable, dining room, kitchen,
mud room, living room, porch
and big back yard $200/mo.
plus water and utilities. Call
Melanie at 423-667-7564.

Concert Tickets: Third
row tickets to Relient K, Fam-
ily Force 5, and TobyMac on
December 6 (Saturday Night)!
Only ' 4 available. Contact
Chris for more info ([email protected]

Marissa's Bakery: What
doyou enjoy eating Friday eve-
ning for supper? Do you starve
on Sabbath mornings when
the cafe is closed? How about
some fresh Banana Bread?
Delicious Blueberry Muffins?
Savory Cinnamon Rolls? If so,
call 916-847-9495, or email
[email protected]
edu with your order by 4pm
every Thursday afternoon.

Rooms for rent: 2 rooms
for rent for female students.
Located 7 miles from Colleg-
edale, 3 miles from Ooltewah.
Access to kitchen, laundry,
cable and wireless Internet.
Quiet home in the country
with large deck. Available im-
mediately for $85/week. Call
Angela Cell: 423-280-3243
Home: 423-238-1490

Have a vehicle

to sell?

Looking for a


Making custom buttons

and magnets?

Send your classifieds to:
[email protected]




Better Ingredients.
Better Pizza.

:>*-'-) mslq [own ■


J p




Benjamin Stitzer

Humor Editor

[email protected]

Southern Beets An Interactive SAU Co mic *1 - Beets" to the Future

by: Jason Neufcld Oasonwwouthern.edu)

Oh no! What should the beets do?
Vote before Monday e




A doctor and a lawyer were
talking at a party.

Their conversation was
constantly interrupted by peo-
ple describing their ailments
and asking the doctor for free
medical advice.

After an hour of this, the
exasperated doctor asked the
lawyer, "What do you do to
stop people from asking you
for legal advice when you're
out of the office?"

"1 give it to them," replied
the lawyer, "and then 1 send
them a bill."

The doctor was shocked,
but agreed to give it a try.

The next day, still feeling
slightly guilty, the doctor pre-
pared the bills.

When he went to place them
in his mailbox, he found a bill
from the lawyer.

Only three doors

An airline captain was
breaking in a new blonde
stewardess. The route they
were flying had a layover in
another city. Upon their ar-
rival, the captain showed the

stewardess the best place for
airline personnel to eat, shop
and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pi-
lot was preparing the crew for
the day's route, he noticed the
new stewardess was missing.
He knew which room she was

Online LibraryEmma Florence CunliffeSouthern accent, Sept. 2008-Apr. 2009 (Volume v.64) → online text (page 4 of 63)