liis wife to pray to any but the female saints of heaven
would let her go to see her mother whenever she
liked.

Many men pursue the more violent course of
making up their minds always to be at daggers drawn
with their mothers-in-law. This hostility would be
good-enough policy if it did not unfortunately invari-

288



ON RELATIONS AND OTHER ALLIES

ably end in the bonds uniting mother and daughter be-
coming still more tightened.

Such are practically all the ways of combating the
maternal influence open to you. The actual benefits
that your wife receives at the hands of her mother are
innumerable, and the negative assistance is no less
powerful. But here science cannot be of any use
to us, for everything is shrouded in mystery. The
help that a mother gives her daughter varies to so great
an extent, and depends so very much on circumstances,
that to attempt even to give a name to it is mere
foUy.

We will content ourselves with the following maxims,
as being the most refreshing and the most salutary that
the gospel of marriage has to offer :

A wife should never be allowed to go alone to see
her mother.

A husband should make a careful study of the
motives which induce all bachelors of less than forty
with whom his wife has anything to do to become
friendly with her mother ; for, if it be true that a daughter
rarely cares for her mother's lover, a mother, on the
the other hand, invariably has a weakness for her
daughter's.

II. — School Friends and Intimate Friends

GENERALLY.

Napoleon used to take a special interest in Louise

de L , the daughter of an officer who was killed at

Wagram. She left Ecouen to marry a rich Commissioner-
General, Monsieur le Baron de V .

Louise was eighteen, and the Baron was forty. She
had a homely face, and her complexion was poor ; but
she was possessed of a very charming waist, fine eyes,
a small foot, a pretty hand, a wonderful power of dis-
cernment, and plenty of intelligence.

The Baron, worn out by the strain of many cam-

289 u



PHYSIOLOGY OF MARRIAGE

paigns and the excesses of a wild youth, had a face on
which the Republic, the Directoire, the Consulat, and
the Empire all seemed to have left their mark. He
grew to love his wife so dearly that he begged the
Emperor to get him a post at Paris, the better to guard
his treasure. His jealousy was as great as that of Count
Almaviva, but it was fed as much by vanity as by
genuine passion.

The young orphan, who had married because she
had been ordered to do so, was flattered to feel that
she had some power over a man so much older than
herself ; she considered him in every way, and attended
carefully to all his wants ; but her delicacy was shocked
in quite early days by the thoughts and habits of a man
whose manners were reminiscent of the licence of the
days of the Republic. He became one of the ' fore-
ordained.'

I do not know exactly how long their honeymoon
lasted, nor the precise moment at which war was de-
clared, but I think it was in the year 1816, at a par-
ticularly brilliant ball given by Monsieur D , Com-
missary-General of Provisions, that the Baron (now
Commissary of Stores), was struck with admiration for

pretty Madame B , the wife of a banker, regarding

her rather more lovingly than is permissible in a hus-
band.

At about two o'clock it was discovered that the
banker, tired of waiting for his wife, had gone home,
leaving her still in the ball-room.

' We win see you home, my dear, ' said the Baronne to

Madame B . ' Monsieur de V , give Emilie your

arm ! '

And so the Baron found himself seated in his car-
riage by the side of a woman to whom he had been doing
homage the whole of the evening, in the vain hope that
he might be rewarded by just a single glance. There
she sat, radiant with youth and beauty, displaying
glimpses of white shoulders and fair white skin. Her

290



ON RELATIONS AND OTHER ALLIES

face, still glowing from the joys of the evening, seemed
to vie with the brilliancy of her satin gown, just as her
eyes in their brightness rivalled the sparkle of her dia-
monds, and her complexion the soft white skin of those
ugly pale-faced men whose ebony tresses and capricious
curls are set off by their fair skin. The tones of her
voice stirred his very heart. In fact, she was so adorable
that he felt that Robert d'Arbrissel himself would have
succumbed to her charms.

The Baron looked at his wife, who, thoroughly tired
out, was asleep in a corner of the carriage, and in spite
of himself he could not help comparing her toilet with
Emihe's, On occasions of this kind the presence of one's
wife in some strange way seems only to enhance for-
bidden desires. It would have been easy enough for
any one to interpret the looks that the Baron directed
alternately towards his wife and her friend, and Madame
B certainly did not fail to understand them.

' Poor Louise, she is done up ! ' she said. ' This gay
life evidently does not agree with her. She has such
simple tastes — at Ecouen she was always reading.'

' And what did you do ? '

* I — oh ! I was always hoping that one day I might
take part in a comedy. Acting was a passion with me.'

' Then why do you so seldom come and see Madame

de V ? We could, at our house at Saint-Prix,

act a little play together beautifully, for I have had a
small theatre specially built.'

' I should like to know whose fault it is that I have

seen so little of Madame de V ,' she replied. ' You

are so jealous a person that you do not even allow
her to visit or receive her friends.'

' I — jealous ! ' cried Monsieur de V , ' after four

years of married life and with three children ! '

' Hush ! ' whispered Emilie, tapping the Baron's
fingers with her fan. ' Louise is not asleep.'

The carriage stopped, and the Commissary helped
his wife's beautiful friend to descend.

291



PHYSIOLOGY OF MARRIAGE

' I hope,' said Madame B , ' that you will not

prevent Louise from coming to my ball this week.'

The Baron bowed graciously.

The ball was a triumph for Madame B , and

the ruin of Louise's husband ; for he fell head over
ears in love with Emilie, and would have sacrificed a
hundred wives for her sake.

A few months after the evening on which the Baron
first began to hope that he might win the love of his
wife's friend, he happened to be calling on Madame
B when the Baronne was announced.

' Ah ! ' cried Emilie, ' if Louise finds you here at
this hour of the morning she will certainly blame me.
Go into that closet, and be very careful not to make the
least noise.'

The husband, caught in a trap, had nothing to do
but to hide in the little closet.

' Good morning, my dear ! ' said the women to one
another, as they embraced.

' Why so early ? ' asked Emilie.

' Oh, my dear — can't you guess ? I have come to
ask for an explanation.'

' Good heavens ! — a duel ! '

' Exactly, my dear. I am not like you. I love
my husband, and I confess I am jealous. You are
beautiful and charming, and you have every right to be

a flirt. You can easily make a fool of B , to whom your

honour seems to be of so little consequence ; but, see-
ing that you cannot possibly be in want of lovers, I beg
you to leave me mine. He is always with you, and he
certainly would not come if you did not invite him.'

' What a pretty bodice you are wearing. '

' Do you think so ? Flore made it.'

' I shall send Anastasie to her for a lesson.'

' So, my love, I trust to your friendship. Do not
fill my house with sorrow.'

' But, my poor, dear child, how can you dream
that I am in love with your husband? He's as fat as

292



ON RELATIONS AND OTHER ALLIES

a provincial deputy ; and short and ugly to boot. It is
true he is generous, but that is all I can say for him;
and it is, after all, a virtue more likely to find favour in
the eyes of a opera-girl. You see, my dear, if I wanted
to take a lover, as you seem pleased to think, I should
not choose an old man like the Baron. If I have given
him any encouragement, if I have called him to my
side, I can assure you it has been purely for my own
amusement, or to help you — I rather thought you had
a weakness for young de R .'

' I ! ' cried Louise. ' Heaven forbid. He is the most
unbearable creature. No ; I assure you, I love my
husband. You may laugh, but it is true. I know per-
fectly well that it may seem ridiculous, but you must
hear me out. He has, as it were, made my fortune ; he
is very generous, as you say, and he gives me all I need
— me, who but for him would still be a poor orphan. Even
if I ever cease to love him, I hope I may still keep
his respect. I have no family to shelter me.'

' Come, come, my darling, we will say no more
about it,' said Emilie, interrupting her friend. ' You
are wearying me to death.'

A little later the Baronne took her leave.

' Well, sir ? ' cried Madame B as she opened

the door of the closet where the poor Baron had
been standing shivering with cold — it was winter- time.
' Well, are you not thoroughly ashamed of yourself for
not worshipping so attractive a little woman ? Don't
talk to me any more of love. You may idolise me for a
time, as you say you do now, but you will never love
me as you love Louise. I shall never take the place
in your heart of a virtuous wife and her children. One
fine day I shall be deserted and left with only my own
gloomy thoughts for solace, and you will say coldly,
" That woman once was mine ! " a phrase I sometimes
hear men utter with the most insulting callousness.
You see, sir, I am able to reason coolly, for I do not
love you. You yourself cannot really love me.'

293 U2



PHYSIOLOGY OF MARRIAGE

' How am I to convince you that I love you ? ' cried
the Baron, gazing at Madame B intently.

Never than at this moment had she seemed more
enchanting, as she uttered these hard words, tempering
them with the most charming glances and roguish
gestures.

' If ever I hear that Louise has a lover, and I can
feel sure that I shall be taking nothing from her, and
that she will not regret the loss of your affection ; when
I am certain that you no longer love her, and have had
certain proof of your indifference ; then — I may listen
to you. These words may sound odious,' she continued,
in a deep voice ; ' they really are odious, but, believe
me, it is not I who utter them, but, as it were, some
ruthless mathematician, explaining what will follow
under certain given conditions. For a married man
like you to presume to fall in love ! Why, I should be
mad if I encouraged a man, who could never really be
mine, to hope that I might one day love him.'

' You fiend ! ' cried the husband. ' You are not a
woman, but a fiend ! '

' You are very kind,' the young woman replied as
she seized the bell-rope.

' No, no, Emilie ! ' the lover cried, in quieter tones.
* Do not ring ! Stop ! Forgive me ! I would sacrifice
everything for your sake ! '

' And I promise nothing in return,' she said quickly,
and laughed.

' God, how you torture me ! ' he cried.

* And have you never caused any unhappiness in your
life ? ' she asked. ' Think of all the bitter tears you
have been responsible for. I do not feel the slightest
pity for you. If you wish me to refrain from laughing
at your passion, you must make me share it.'

' Farewell, madame. There is mercy in your harsh-
ness. I appreciate the lesson you have taught me, and
I admit that I have wrongs to atone for.'

' Go thou and repent,' she said, with a mocking

294



ON RELATIONS AND OTHER ALLIES

smile ; * trying to make Louise happy will be your
hardest penance.'

They parted. But the Baron's love was of too

violent a nature for the strictures of Madame B to

fail to bring about what, indeed, she really desired —
separation from his wife.

At the end of a few months the Baron de V— — -
and his wife were still living together in the same
house, but in separate parts of it. Everybody pitied
the Baronne, although she seemed to be quite resigned,
and always stood up bravely for her husband. The
most straight-laced of women could not find anything

to cavil at in her friendship for young de R , and

all the trouble was put down to the mad passion of
Monsieur de V .

When, on behalf of Madame B , the latter had

made aU the sacrifices it is possible for a man to make,
his faithless mistress left Paris for the waters of Mont
Dore, for Switzerland and Italy, on the plea of ill-
health.

The commissary died of some internal disease, and
was tended by his wife in his last illness with a care that
was quite pathetic, to judge from the grief he seemed to
feel at the thought of how much he had neglected her.
It appears that he never suspected the share his wife
had had in the circumstances that had been the cause
of their separation.

This anecdote, one of a thousand that I might have
selected, gives us some idea of the kind of service one
woman may render another.

Faithless women are aU alike ; from the words ' Do
relieve me of my husband ' down to the mortal disease
which ends the drama it is ever the same old story.
An incident or two, such as those that coloured the
anecdote just quoted, may vary the tale ; but, on the
whole, one account differs but little from another.
A husband should mistrust every single friend his
wife may have. The subtle stratagems of these de-

295



PHYSIOLOGY OF MARRIAGE

ceitful creatures rarely miscarry, for they have as allies
those two great enemies of man — his vanity and his
passion.

III. — On the Lover's Relations.

A man who would hasten to warn another that he
is in danger of losing a thousand-franc note from his
pocket-book, or even that he is losing his handkerchief,
would think it mean to inform him that he is in danger
of losing his wife. This apparently strange inconsistency
may be explained as follows : — Since the law itself is for-
bidden to question the rights of marriage, man would seem
to have even less right to exercise matrimonial super-
vision. In the restoring of a thousand-franc note to its
owner there is some idea of obligation, on the principle
of doing unto others as we would have them do unto us.

But how are we to explain the fact that a bachelor
never asks in vain for the help of a friend ? In the matter
of deceiving a husband he can always rely on his
friend's services. It is impossible for us to define the
true nature of this assistance. A man who would not
dream of helping a policeman to run to earth a murderer
has no scruples whatever in taking a husband to the
theatre, to the concert-room, or even to some house of
ill-repute in order to clear the way for a friend who may
be killed the day after in a duel, with the result either
that a child is born in adultery, or two brothers are
deprived of a portion of their inheritance because of
their having to share it with an heir who might other-
wise never have existed ; or, again, that three people are
made miserable. It must be confessed that upright-
ness is an extremely rare virtue, and that the man
who is most confident of its possession is generally
entirely without it. Families have been divided against
themselves, brothers have murdered brothers, and all
because a friend has stood by and taken his share in
what the world is pleased to call a ' frolic ' !

296



ON RELATIONS AND OTHER ALLIES

Every man must have his hobby, whether it be
hunting, or fishing, or cards, or music, or money, or
the pleasures of the table. Your hobby will be to be
a party to the trap set for you by your wife's lover,
his invisible hand compelling either your friend's or his
own, whether they like it or not, to play a part in the
little play he has invented to drive you from your home
or to force you to hand your wife over to him. A lover
will, if need be, spend as many as two whole months
in thinking out the trap.

I have seen even the most wide-awake of men
succumb sooner or later to snares of this kind.

An old Normandy advocate dwelt in the little town

of B , where the regiment of the Chasseurs du

Cantal were in garrison. A smart young officer was in
love with the wife of this limb of the law, and it seemed
likely that he would have to leave the town with his
regiment without having had even a moment's private
intercourse with his mistress. If it had turned out so,
he would have been the fourth military man over whom
the lawyer had triumphed. Leaving the dinner- table
one evening at about six o'clock, the husband strolled
to one of the terraces of his garden that commanded a
good view of the surrounding country. The officers
came up to say good-bye to him. Suddenly there shot
up on the horizon flames as of some distant fire.
' Heavens ! the barracks are on fire ! ' cried the Major,
a rough old soldier who had been dining at the house.
They all leaped to their horses ; but the young wife
laughed as she looked round and saw that she was alone,
for her lover, hidden in a clump of trees, had whispered:
' It is only a haystack ! ' The whole thing was very
cleverly worked, for an excellent scout was in attendance
on the captain, and, with a delicacy rare enough in
cavalry officers, the lover sacrificed a few minutes' hap-
piness in order to rejoin the cavalcade, and return in the
company of the husband.

Marriage is a duel, in which, if you would triumph

297



PHYSIOLOGY OF MARRIAGE

over your adversary, you must watch the passing of
every hour of the day and the night, for if you so much
as turn your head, the lover's sword will pierce you to
the heart.

IV. — The Lady's-maid.

The prettiest lady's-maid I ever saw was one be-
longing to Madame V y, who is to-day one of the

most distinguished of the fashionable women of Paris,
and is thought to be on very good terms with her
husband. Mademoiselle Celestine's charms are so
numerous that, to describe them, one would have to
translate the whole of the thirty verses inscribed, it is
said, on the Sultan's tomb, each of which is a faithful
description of one of the thirty beauties of women.

' It is surely a proof of extreme self-confidence to
keep so charming a creature ! ' said a lady to the mistress
of the house one day.

' Ah ! my dear, you will envy me my Celestine
before you have done.'

' Then she must have very uncommon qualities.
Perhaps she knows exactly how to dress you ? '

' Oh, no ! quite the contrary.'

' She is a good needlewoman ? '

' She never touches a needle/

' A faithful servant ? '

' Of the kind that costs one more than the most
cunningly unfaithful.'

' You astonish me. She is, perhaps, your foster-
sister ? '

' Not exactly. She is, as a fact, good for nothing ;
but, for all that, she is the most useful member of my
household. If she stays with me ten years, I have
promised her twenty thousand francs. It will be
money well earned, I assure you ; — and I shall not
regret it ! ' added the young woman, with a significant
nod.

298



ON RELATIONS AND OTHER ALLIES

Madame V y's friend understood.

When a woman has no very intimate friend, her
maid is often her only resource, and the amount of help
she can get from a maid, in trying to rid herself of her
husband's love, is incalculable.

When, after ten years of married life, a man finds a
young girl of sixteen or eighteen established in his house,
whom he sees every day, fresh, attractively dressed,
with a wealth of beauties that, as it w^ere, defy him, an
irresistible air of candour, eyes that are lowered as if half-
afraid, an alluring timidity, and a knowledge of all that
marriage means, maiden and wise-acre in one — how can
he possibly resist such an enchantress (although it is
true Saint Anthony did), and remain faithful to the
vows he made to a stern-faced, peevish woman, who
more often than not spurns his love ? The husband
who could with equanimity bear such warmth and such
coolness would be a Stoic indeed. Whilst he sees a new-
field of pleasures opening out before him, the young
innocent sees money, and his wife her liberty. It is
simply an amicable family arrangement.

Your wife's ideas are, it would seem, similar to those
entertained by our young exquisites with regard to the
serving of their country. If they should happen to be
called out to fight for it, they hire a man to carry their
gun, to die in their stead, and as far as possible save
them from aU the disagreeableness of military service.
In similar transactions of married life, there is not a
woman who would fail to put her husband in the
wrong. I have observed that most women, with their
usual tact, do not, as a rule, confide to their maids the
whole secret of the part they mean them to play. They
simply trust to nature, and they take care to make
good use of the power which, through their knowledge
of their secret, they have over the lover and his mistress.
Treachery of this kind on the part of the wife ex-
plains a great deal of what may seem odd in the
behaviour of the married pair ; but I have heard women

299



PHYSIOLOGY OF MARRIAGE

discuss the dangers of this method of attack quite
seriously ; they recognise the fact that a thorough
knowledge is necessary, both of the husband and of the
creature to whose arms they send him. More than one
woman has fallen a victim to her own treachery.

Again, the more passionate the husband, the less
does the wife dare to make use of her maid. A husband
who is fairly caught in this trap must remember that he
will never be able to reproach his wife for her conduct
when she at length charges him with being too intimate
with her maid, and packs her off with a child and an
annuity.

V. — The Doctor.

A woman desirous of obtaining an amicable separa-
tion from her husband finds one of her most powerful
allies in the doctor. The services which he can render
(mostly without his knowledge) are of such importance
that there is hardly a house in France where he has not
been carefully chosen — by the xvife.

Doctors are so well aware of the great influence that
women have on their reputation, that you seldom come
across one who does not instinctively try to please
them. A man of genius who has become famous
doubtless no longer lends himself to the mischievous
machinations of a wife, but he probably enters into
them without knowing it, all the same.

A wise husband, profiting by the experiences of his
youth, always chooses his wife's doctor himself. As
long as his adversary does not realise how much help
she may gain from a doctor who is on her side, she
submits cheerfully ; but, later, when she has come to
see that the charms she lavishes on the man have no
effect, she chooses a favourable opportunity, and pro-
ceeds to inform her husband that she does not like the
way the doctor treats her — and he is forthwith sent
about his business. It comes to this : either a wife

300



ON RELATIONS AND OTHER ALLIES

chooses her own doctor in the first instance, or she wins
him over to her side, or she dismisses him.

But the latter rarely occurs, for most young married
men only know beardless young doctors who do not
seem to them in any way desirable, and thus it happens
that ^sculapius is usually chosen by the mistress of
the house.

One fine morning the doctor will come out of
Madame 's room, where she has been lying for a fort-
night, and will proceed to say to you : ' I do not mean
to say that Madame's health need offer you any serious
anxiety ; but her prolonged sleepiness and general
dissatisfaction with life, her tendency to lie on her
back for days together, require careful attention. Her
blood seems to be thickening ; she needs change of
air. I advise you to send her to Bareges or Plom-
bieres.'

' Very well, doctor ; I will.'

And you let your wife go to Plombieres. But she
really goes there because Captain Charles is in garrison
in the Vosges. She comes back looking very well ; the
waters seem to have done her a world of good. She has
written to you most affectionately every day. The ten-
dency to recline has entirely disappeared.

There is in existence a little book, which was doubt-
less inspired by hatred (it was published in Holland),
which contains very curious details of the manner in
which Madame de Maintenon conspired with Fagon to
rule Louis XIV.

One fine morning your doctor, just as Fagon did,
wiU warn you that you are threatened with an apo-
plectic seizure, and must put yourself on strict diet.
This piece of buffoonery (the book is lively enough in
its way) is very likely the work of some courtesan. The
title of it is Mademoiselle de Saint- Tron. It has been
made use of by a modern author in a short play,
entitled Le Jeune Medicin ; but he has given us some