EPORTMENT
MANSERS, COHDUCT AHD DRESS
OF THE MOST REFINED SOCIETY j
Setter, StviMtaMcmA, tc., Stc.
ioni on &COIHC (
COMPILED FROM THE LATEST RELIABLE AUTHORITIES,
BY
JOHN H. YOUNG, A. M.
REVISED AND ILLUSTRATED.
F. B, DICKERSON & CO, PUBLISHERS.
DETROIT, MICH., ST. LOUIS, Mo., CINCINNATI, O., CHICAGO, ILL.
1 883
f0 00 t\m$ fyis life toitfy g00fc manners possessed,
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% S0rr0tos, tfee pins, an& tfee tes t|ai toe feel
COPYRIGHTED
FREEMAN B. DICKERSON,
1879 and 1881.
O one subject is of more im-
portance to people gener-
ally than a knowledge of
the rules, usages and cere-
monies of good society,
which are commonly ex-
pressed by the word "Eti-
quette." Its necessity is
felt wherever men and wo-
men associate together,
whether in the city, village,
or country town, at home
or abroad. To acquire a
thorough knowledge of these matters, and to put that
knowledge into practice with perfect ease and self-com-
placency, is what people call good breeding. To dis-
play an ignorance of them, is to subject the offender to
the opprobrium of being ill-bred.
In the compilation of this work, the object has been
to present the usages and rules which govern the most
refined American society, and to impa * that information
which will enable any one, in whatever circumstances
rai
4: PREFACE.
of life to acquire the perfect ease of a gentleman, or the
gentle manners and graceful deportment of a well-bred
lady, whose presence will be sought for, and who, by
their graceful deportment will learn the art of being at
home in any good society. s
The work is so arranged, that every subject is con-
veniently classified and subdivided; it is thus an easy
matter to refer at once to any given subject. It has
been the aim of the compiler to give minutely all points
that are properly embraced in a work on etiquette, even
upon matters of seemingly trivial importance. Upon
some hitherto disputed points, those rules are given,
which are sustained by the best authorities and endorsed
by good sense.
As the work is not the authorship of any one indi-
vidual, and as no individual, whatever may be his ac-
quirements, could have the presumption to dictate rules
for the conduct of society in general, it is therefore only
claimed that it is a careful compilation from all the best
and latest authorities upon the subject of etiquette and
kindred matters, while such additional material has been
embraced within its pages, as, it is hoped, will be found
of benefit and interest to every American household.
J. H. Y.
(frcwleuts.
CHAPTER I.
PAGE.
EJTBODUCTORY 18
CHAPTER II.
MANffEBS.
Good manners as an element of worldly success Manner an index of
character The true gentleman The true lady Importance of
trifles Value of pleasing manners Personal appearance
enhanced and fortunes made by pleasing manners Politeness
the outgrowth of good manners 20
CHAPTER III.
INTEODUCTIONB.
Acquaintances thus formed Promiscuous, informal and casual intro-
ductions Introduction of a gentleman to a lady and a lady to a
gentleman Introduction at a ball The manner of introduction
Introducing relatives Obligatory introductions Salutations
after introduction Introducing one's self Letters of introduc-
tionHow they are to be delivered Duty of a person to whom
a letter of introduction is addressed Letters of introduction for
business purposes 31
CHAPTER IV.
SALUTATIONS.
The salutation originally an act of worship Its form in different
nations The bow, its proper mode Words of salutation Man-
ner of bowing Duties of the young to older people How to
avoid recognition Etiquette of handshaking Kissing as a mode
of salutation The kiss of friendship The kiss of respect . . 4*
(5)
6 CONTENTS.
CHAPTER V.
ETIQUETTE ON CALLS.
Morning calls Evening calls Rules for formal calls Calls at Sum-
mer resorts Receptipn days Calls made by cards Returning
the first call Calls after a betrothal takes place Forming new
acquaintance by calls The first call, by whom to be made
Calls of Congratulation Visits of condolence Keeping an
account of calls Evening visits "Engaged" or "not at home"
to callers General rules relative to calls New Year's calls . 52
CHAPTER VI.
ETIQUETTE ON VISITING.
Seneral invitations not to be accepted The limit of a prolonged visit
Duties of a visitor Duties of the host or hostess True hospi-
tality Leave-taking Invitations to guests Forbearance with
children Guests making presents Treatment of a host's
friends 89
CHAPTER Vn.
ETIQUETTE OP OAEDS.
Visiting and calling cards Their size and style Wedding cards
Leaving cards in calling Cards for mother and daughter
Cards not to be sent in envelopes to return formal calls Glazed
cards not in fashion P. P. C. cards Cards of congratulation
When sent Leave cards in making first calls of the season and
after invitations Mourning cards Christmas and Easter cards
Cards of condolence Bridegroom's card 75
CHAPTER VIII.
OONVEESATION.
Character revealed by conversation Importance of conversing wel
Children should be trained to talk well Cultivation of tht
memory Importance of remembering names How Henrj
Clay acquired this habit Listening Writing down one's:
thoughts Requisites for a good talker Vulgarisms Flippancy
Sympathizing with another Bestowing compliments Slang
Flattery Scandal and gossip Satire and ridicule Religion
and politics to be avoidedBestowing of titles Interrupting
another while talkingAdaptability in conversation Correct
use of words Speaking one's mindProfanity Display of
knowledge Double entendres Impertinent questions Things
to be avoided in conversation Hobbies Fault-finding Dis-
putes 84
CONTENTS. 7
CHAPTER IX.
DINNER PARTIES. pAam>
Dinners are entertainments for married people Whom to invite
Forms of invitations Punctuality required The success of a
dinner party Table appointments Proper size of a dinner
party Arrangement of guests at table Serving dinner a la
Russe Duties of servants Serving the dishes General rules
regarding dinner Waiting on others Monopolizing conversa-
tionDuties of hostess and host Retiring from the table Calls
required after a dinner party Returning hospitalities Expen-
sive dinners not the most enjoyable Wines at dinners . . 106
CHAPTER X.
TABLE ETIQUETTE,
Importance of acquiring good habits at the table Table appoint-
ments for breakfast, luncheon and dinner Use of the knife and
fork Of the napkin Avoid fast eating and all appearance of
greediness General rules on the subject 188
CHAPTER XI.
RECEPTIONS, PARTIES AND BALLS.
Morning receptions The dress and refreshments for them Invita-
tions Musical matinees Parties in the country Five o'clock
teas and kettle-drums Requisites for a successful ball Intro-
ductions at a ball Receiving guests The number to invite
Duties of the guests General rules to be observed at balls
Some suggestions for gentlemen Duties of an escort Prepa-
rations for a ball The supper An after-call required . . 120
CHAPTER XII.
STREET ETIQUETTE.
The street manners of a lady Forming street acquaintances Recog-
nizing friends in the street Saluting a lady Passing through a
crowd The first to bow Do not lack politeness How a lady
and gentleman should walk together When to offer the lady
the arm Going up and down stairs Smoking in the streets
Carrying packages Meeting a lady acquaintance Corner
loafers Shouting in the street Shopping etiquette For public
conveyances Cutting acquaintances General suggestions . . 146
CONTENTS.
CHAPTER XIII.
ETIQUETTE OF PUBLIC PLAGES. PAO m.
Conduct in church Invitations to opera, theatres and concerts Con-
duct in public .assemblages Remain until the performance
closes Conduct in picture galleries Behavior at charity fairs
Conduct at an artist's studio , 157
CHAPTER XIV.
TRAVELING ETIQUETTE.
Courtesies shown to ladies traveling alone Duties of an escort Duties
of a lady to her escort Ladies should assist other ladies traveling
alone The seats to be occupied in a railway car Discretion to
be used in forming acquaintances in traveling. . . . 167
CHAPTER XV.
BIDING AND DRIVING.
Learning to ride on horseback The gentleman's, duty as an escort in
riding How to assist a lady to mount Riding with ladies Assist-
ing a lady to alight from a horse Driving The seat of honor in
a carriage Trusting the driver 1T4
CHAPTER XVI.
OOUETSHIP.
Proper conduct of gentlemen and ladies toward each other Prema-
ture declaration of love Love at first sight Proper manner of
courtship Parents should [exercise authority over daughters
An acceptable suitor Requirements fora happy marriage Pro-
posals of marriage A gentleman should not press an unwelcome
suit A lady's refusal A doubtful answer Unladylike conduct
toward a suitor The rejected suitor Asking consent of parents
Presents after engagement Conduct and relations of the en-
gaged couple Lovers' quarrels Breaking an engagement . . 17v
CHAPTER XVIL
WEDDING ETIQUETTE.
Choice of bridemaids and groomsmen or ushers The bridal costume
Costumes of bridegroom and ushers Presents of the bride and
bridegroom Ceremonials at church when there are no bride-
CONTENTS. 9
PAQB.
maids or ushers Invitations to the ceremony alone The latest
ceremonials Weddings at home The evening wedding "At
home" receptions Calls The wedding ring Marriage ceremon-
ials of a widow Form of invitations to a reception Duties of in-
vited guests Of bridemaids and ushers Bridal presents Mas-
ter of ceremonies Wedding fees Congratulations The bridal
tour .... 194
CHAPTER
HOME LIFE AND ETIQUETTE.
Home the woman's kingdom Home companionship Conduct of hus-
band and wife Duties of the wife to her husband The wife a
helpmate The husband's duties 308
CHAPTER XIX.
HOME TEAININ&.
First lessons learned at home Parents should set good examples to
their children Courtesies in the home circle Early moral train-
ing of children The formation of their habits Politeness at
home Train children for some occupation Bad temper Sel-
fishness Home maxims . . 216
CHAPTER XX.
HOME CULTURE.
Cultivate moral courage The pernicious influence of indolence Self-
respect Result of good breeding at home Fault-finding and
grumbling Family jars not to be made public Conflicting inter-
estsReligious education Obedience Influence of example
The influence of books 22*
CHAPTER XXL
WOMAH'S HI&HEB EDUOATIOH.
Its importance Train young women to some occupation Education
of girls too superficial An education appropriate to each sex-
Knowledge of the laws of health needed by women Idleness the
source of all misery A spirit of independence Health ancl life
dependent upon a highr culture Cultivation of the moral sense 33
10 CONTENTS.
CHAPTER XXH.
THE LETTEE WEITER. PAOIt
Letter writing is an indication of good breeding Requirements for
correct writing Anonymous letters Note paper to be used-
Forms of letters and notes Forms of addressing notes and let-
ters Forms of signature Letters of introduction When to be
given Notes of invitation and replies thereto Acceptances and
regrets Formal invitations must be answered Letters of friend-
ship Love letters Business letters and correspondence Form
of letter requesting employment Regarding the character of a
servant Forms for notes, drafts, bills and receipts ... 343
CHAPTER XXni.
GENERAL BULES TO GOVERN CONDUCT.
Attention to the young in society Gracefulness of carriage Attitude,
coughing, sneezing, etc. Anecdotes, puns, etc. A sweet and
pure breath Smoking A good listener Give precedence to
others Be moderate in speaking Singing and playing in society
Receiving and making presents Governing our moods A lady
driving with a gentleman An invitation cannot be recalled
Avoid talking of personalities Shun gossip and tale bearing
Removing the hat Intruding on privacy Politeness Adapting
yourself to others Contradicting A woman's good name Ex-
pressing unfavorable opinions Vulgarities Miscellaneous rules
governing conduct Washington's maxims 286
CHAPTER XXIV.
ANNIVEESAET WEDDINGS.
How and when they are celebrated The paper, cotton and leather
weddings The wooden wedding The tin wedding The crystal
wedding The silver wedding The golden wedding The dia-
mond wedding Presents at anniversary weddings Forms of in-
vitations, etc 886
CHAPTER XXV.
BIRTHS AND CHRISTENINGS.
Naming the child The christening Godparents or sponsors Presents
from godparents The ceremony The breakfast Christening
gifts The hereof the day Fees 891
CONTENTS. 11
CHAPTER XXVL
FUNEBALS. PAQB<
Death notices and funeral invitations Arrangement for the funeral
The house of mourning Conducting the funeral services The
pall-bearers Order of the procession Floral and other decora-
tions Calls upon the bereaved family Seclusion of the family 296
CHAPTER XXVH.
ETIQUETTE AT WASHINGTON.
Social duties required of the President and his family Receptions at
the White House Order of official rank Duties required of
members of the cabinet and their families How to address
officials The first to visit 306
CHAPTER XXVIII.
ETIQUETTE OF FOKEIGN COUETB,
Foreign titles Royalty The nobility The gentry Esquires Impe-
rial rank European titles Presentation at the court of St.
James Those eligible and ineligible for presentation Prelimi-
nariesPresentation costumes 308
CHAPTER XXIX.
BUSINESS.
The example of a merchant prince Keep your temper Honesty the
best policy Form good habits Breaking an appointment
Prompt payment of bills, notes and drafts General suggestions 315
CHAPTER XXX.
DRESS.
Requirements for dressing well Perils of the love of dress to weak
minds Consistency in dress Extravagance Indifference to
dress Appropriate dress The wearing of gloves Evening or
full dress for gentlemen Morning dress for gentlemen Evening
or full dress for ladies Ball dresses The full dinner dress For
receiving and making morning calls Morning dress for street
Carriage dress Promenade dress and walking 1 suit Ooera
dress The riding dress For women of business Ordinary
12 CONTENTS.
PAGE.
evening dress For a social party Dress for the theater, lecture
and concert Archery, croquet aud skating costumes Bathing
dress For traveling The bridal costume Dress of bridemaids
At wedding receptions Mourning dress How long mourning
should be worn . 320
CHAPTER XXXI.
COLOBS AND THEIB HABMONY IN DBESS.
The proper arrangement of colors The colors adapted to different
persons Material for dress Size in relation to color and dress
A list of colors that harmonize .... . 341
CHAPTER XXXII.
THE TOILET.
Importance of neatness and cleanliness Perfumes The bath The
teeth and their care The skin The eyes, eyelashes and brows
The hair and beard The hands and feet 851
CHAPTER XXXIII.
TOILET BEOIPES.
To remove freckles, pimples and sunburn To beautify the complexion
To prevent the hair falling out Pomades and hair oils Sea
foam or dry shampoo To prevent the hair turning gray To
soften the skin To cleanse the teeth Remedy for chapped
hands For corns and chilblains, etc 37?
CHAPTER XXXIV.
SPOBTS, GAMES AND AMUSEMENTS.
Archery and its practice Lawn Tennis Boating Picnics Private
Theatricals Card playing S 98
CHAPTER XXXV.
LANGUAGE OF FLOWEBS,
CHAPTER XXXVL
PRECIOUS STONES, .428
CHAPTER I.
"Ingenious Art with her expressive face,
Steps forth to fashion and refine the race." COWPER.
KNOWLEDGE of etiquette has been
defined to be a knowledge of the
rules of society at its best. These
rules have been the outgrowth of
centuries of civilization, had their
foundation in friendship and love
of man for his fellow man the
vital principles of Christianity and are
most powerful agents for promoting
peace, harmony and good will among all
people who are enjoying the blessings of
more advanced civilized government. In all
civilized countries the influence of the best
society is of great importance to the welfare
and prosperity of the nation, but in no
country is the good influence of the most refined society
more powerfully felt than in our own, " the land of the
future, where mankind may plant, essay, and resolve all
social problems." These rules make social intercourse
more agreeable, and facilitate hospitalities, when all
(13)
14 INTRODUCTORY.
members of society hold them as binding rules and
faithfully regard their observance. They are to society
what our laws are to the people as a political body, and
to disregard them will give rise to constant misunder-
standings, engender ill-will, and beget bad morals and
bad manners.
Says an eminent English writer: "On manners,
refinement, rules of good breeding, and even the forms
of etiquette, we are forever talking, judging our, neigh-
bors severely by the breach of traditionary and unwrit-
ten laws, and choosing our society and even our friends
by the touchstone of courtesy." The Marchioness de
Lambert expressed opinions which will be endorsed by
the best bred people everywhere when she wrote to her
son : " Nothing is more shameful than a voluntary
rudeness. Men have found it necessary as well as
agreeable to unite for the common good; they have
made laws to restrain the wicked; they have agreed
among themselves as to the duties of society, and have
annexed an honorable character to the practice of those
duties. He is the honest man who observes them with
the most exactness, and the instances of them multiply
in proportion to the degree of nicety of a person's
honor."
Originally a gentleman was defined to be one who,
without any title of nobility, wore a coat of arms. And
the descendants of many of the early colonists preserve
with much pride and care the old armorial bearings
which their ancestors brought with them from their
homes ; j the mother country. Although despising
INTRODUCTORY. 15
titles and ignoring the rights of kings, they still clung
to the "grand old name of gentleman." But race is no
longer the only requisite for a gentleman, nor will race
united with learning and wealth make a man a gentle-
man, unless there are present the kind and gentle quali-
ties of the heart, which find expression in the principles
of the Golden Rule. Nor will race, education and wealth
combined make a woman a true lady if she shows a
want of refinement and consideration of the feelings of
others.
Good manners are only acquii-ed by education and
observation, followed up by habitual practice at home
and in society, and good manners reveal to us the lady
and the gentleman. He who does not possess them,
though he bear the highest title of nobility, cannot
expect to be called a gentleman; nor can a woman,
without good manners, aspire to be considered a lady
by ladies. Manners and morals are indissolubly allied,
and no society can be good where they are bad. It is
the duty of American women to exercise their influence
to form so high a standard of morals and manners that
the tendency of society will be continually upwards,
seeking to make it the best society of any nation.
As culture is the first requirement of good society, so
self -improvement should be the aim of each -and all of
its members. Manners will improve with the cultiva-
tion of the mind, until the pleasure and harmony of
social intercourse are no longer marred by the introduc-
tion of discordant elements, and they only will be
excluded from the best society whose lack of education
16 INTRODUCTORY.
and whose rude manners will totally unfit them for its
enjoyments and appreciation. Good manners are even
more essential to harmony in society than a good educa-
tion, and may be considered as valuable an acquisition
as knowledge in any form.
The principles of the Golden Rule, " whatsoever ye
would that men should do to you, do ye even so to
them," is the basis of all true politeness principles
which teach us to forget ourselves, to be kind to our
neighbors, and to be civil even to our enemies. The
appearance of so being and doing is what society
demands as good manners, and the man or woman
trained to this mode of life is regarded as well-bred.
The people, thus trained, are easy to get along with, for
they are as quick to make an apology when they have
been at fault, as they are to accept one when it is
made. "The noble-hearted only understand the noble-
hearted."
In a society where the majority are rude from the
thoughtf ulness of ignorance, or remiss from the insolence
of bad breeding, the iron rule, " Do unto others, as they
do unto you," is more often put into practice than the
golden one. The savages know nothing of the virtues
of forgiveness, and regard those who are not revengeful
as wanting in spirit; so the ill-bred do not understand
undeserved civilities extended to promote the general
interests of society, and to carry out the injunction of
the Scriptures to strive after the things that make for
peace.
Society is divided into sets, according to their breed-
17
ing. One set may be said to have no breeding at all,
another to have a little, another more, and another
enough; and between the first and last of these, there
are more shades than in the rainbow. Good manners
are the same in essence everywhere at courts, in fash-
ionable society, in literary circles, in domestic life
they never change, but social observances, customs and
points of etiquette, vary with the age and with the
people.
A French writer has said: "To be truly polite, it is
necessary to be, at the same time, good, just, and gen-
erous. True politeness is the outward visible sign of
those inward spiritual graces called modesty, unselfish-
ness and generosity. The manners of a gentleman are
the index of his souL His speech is innocent, because
his life is pure; his thoughts are right, because his
actions are upright; his bearing is gentle, because his
feelings, his impulses, and his training are gentle also.
A gentleman is entirely free from every kind of pre-
tence. He avoids homage, instead of exacting it. Mere
ceremonies have no attraction for him. He seeks not to
say any civil things, but to do them. His hospitality,
though hearty and sincere, will be strictly regulated by
his means. His friends will be chosen for their good
qualities and good manners; his servants for their truth-
fulness and honesty; his occupations for their usefulness,
their gracefulness or their elevating tendencies, whether
moral, mental or political."
In the same general tone does Ruskin describe a
gentleman, when he says: "A gentleman's first char-
18 INTRODUCTORY.
acteristic is that fineness of structure in the body
which renders it capable of the most delicate sensation,
and of that structure in the mind which renders it
capable of the most delicate sympathies one may say,
simply, ' fineness of nature.' This is, of course, compati-
ble with the heroic bodily strength and mental firmness;
in fact, heroic strength is not conceivable without such
delicacy. Elephantine strength may drive its way
through a forest and feel no touch of the boughs, but
the white skin of Homer's Atrides would have felt a
bent rose-leaf, yet subdue its feelings in the glow of
battle and behave itself like iron. I do not mean to call
an elephant a vulgar animal; but if you think about
him carefully, you will find that his non- vulgarity con-
sists in such gentleness as is possible to elephantine
nature not in his insensitive hide nor in his clumsy
foot, but in the way he will lift his foot if a child lies
in his way, and in his sensitive trunk and still more
sensitive mind and capability of pique on points of
honor. Hence it will follow that one of the probable
signs of high breeding in men generally, will be their
kindness and mercifulness, these always indicating
more or less firmness of make in the mind."
Can any one fancy what our society might be, if all
its members were perfect gentlemen and true ladies, if
all the inhabitants of the earth were kind-hearted; if,
instead of contending with the faults of our fellows we
were each to wage war against our own faults ? Every
one needs to guard constantly against the evil from
INTRODUCTORY. 19
within as well as from without, for as has been truly-
said, "a man's greatest foe dwells in his own heart."
A recent English writer says: "Etiquette may be
defined as the minor morality of life. No observances,
however minute, that tend to spare the feelings of
others, can be classed under the head of trivialities ; and
politeness, which is but another name for general
amiability, will oil the creaking wheels of life more