or those less experienced in traveling than themselves.
They may show many little courtesies which will
make the journey less tedious to the inexperienced trav-
eler, and may give her important advice or assistance
which may be of benefit to her. An acquaintance f ormed
in traveling, need never be retained afterwards. It ig
optional whether it is or not.

THE COMFORT OF OTHERS.

In seeking his own comfort, no passenger has a right
to overlook or disregard that of others. If for his own
comfort, he wishes to raise or lower a window he should
consult the wishes of passengers immediately around
him before doing so. The discomforts of traveling
should be borne cheerfully, for what may enhance your
own comfort may endanger the health of some fellow-
traveler.



ETIQUETTE OF TRAVELING. 171

tTTENDING TO THE WANTS OF OTHERS.

See everywhere and at all times that ladies and elderly
people have their wants supplied before you think of
your own. Nor is there need for unmanly haste or
pushing in entering or leaving cars or boats. There is
always time enough allowed for each passenger to enter
in a gentlemanly manner and with a due regard to the
rights of others.

If, in riding in the street-cars or crossing a ferry, your
friend insists on paying for you, permit him to do so
without serious remonstrance. You can return the
favor at some other time.

BEADING WHEN TRAVELLING.

If a gentleman in traveling, either on cars or steam-
boat, has provided himself with newspapers or other
reading, he should offer them to his companions first.
If they are refused, he may with propriety read himself,
leaving the others free to do the same if they wish.

OCCUPYING TOO MANY SEATS.

No lady will retain possession of more than her right-
ful seat in a crowded car. When others are looking
for accommodations she should at once and with all
cheerfulness so dispose of her baggage that the seat
beside her may be occupied by anyone who desires it,
no matter how agreeable it may be to retain possession
of it.

It shows a great lack of proper manners to see two



172 ETIQUETTE OF TRAVELING.

ladies, or a lady and gentleman turn over the seaA In
front of them and fill it with their wraps and bwtdles,
retaining it in spite of the entreating or remonstrating
looks of fellow-passengers. In such a case any person
who desires a seat is justified in reversing the back,
removing the baggage .and taking possession of the un-
used seat.

RETAINING POSSESSION OF A SEAT.

A gentleman in traveling may take possession of a
seat and then go to purchase tickets or look after bag-
gage or procure a lunch, leaving the seat in charge of a
companion, or depositing traveling-bag or overcoat upon
it to show that it is engaged. When a seat is thus oc-
cupied, the right of possession must be respected, and
no one should presume to take a seat thus previously
engaged, even though it may be wanted for a lady. A
gentleman cannot, however, in justice, vacate his seat
to take another in the smoking-car, and at the same
time reserve his rights to the first seat. He pays for
but one seat, and by taking another he forfeits the first.

It is not required of a gentleman in a railway car to
relinquish his seat in favor of a lady, though a gentle-
man of genuine breeding will do so rather than allow
the lady to stand or suffer inconvenience from poor
accommodations.

In the street cars the case is different. No woman
should be allowed to stand while there is a seat occupied
by a man. The inconvenience to the man will be tem-
porary and trifling at the most, and he can well afford
to suffer it rather than to do an uncourteous act.



ETIQUETTE OF TRAVELING 173

DISCRETION IN FOKMING ACQUAINTANCES.

While an acquaintance formed in a railway car or on
a steamboat, continues only during the trip, discretion
should be used in making acquaintances. Ladies may
as has been stated, accept small courtesies and favors
from strangers, but must check at once any attempt at
familiarity. On the other hand, no man who pretends
to be a gentleman will attempt any familiarity. The
practice of some young girls just entering into woman-
hood, of flirting with any young man they may chance
to meet, either in a railway car or on a steamboat, indi-
cates low-breeding in the extreme. If, however, the
journey is long, and especially if it be on a steamboat,
a certain sociability may be allowed, and a married lady
or a lady of middle age may use her privileges to make
the journey an enjoyable one, for fellow-passengers
should always be sociable to one another.



CHAPTER XV.




NE of the most exhilarating and en-
joyable amusements that can be in-
dulged in by either ladies or gen-
tlemen is that of riding on horse-
back, and it is a matter of regret
that it is not participated in to a
greater extent than it is. The eti-
quette of riding, though meagre, is exact
and important.

LEABNTNG TO BIDE.

The first thing to do is to learn to ride, and
no one should attempt to appear in public
until a few preliminary lessons in riding are
taken. Until a person has learned to appear
at ease on horseback, he or she should not appear in
public. The advice given in the old rhyme should be
kept in mind, viz:

Keep up your head and your heart,
Your hands and your heels keep down ,

Press your knees close to your horse's sides,
And your elbows close to your own.
(174)



RIDING AND DRIVING.

THE GENTLEMAN'S DUTY AS AN ESCORT.

When a gentleman contemplates riding with a lady,
his first duty is to see that her horse is a proper one for
her use, and one that she can readily manage. He
must see that her saddle and bridle are perfectly secure,




and trust nothing of this kind to the stable men, with-
out personal examination. He must be punctual at the
appointed hour, and not keep the lady waiting for him
clad in her riding costume. He should see the lady
comfortably seated in her saddle before he mounts him-
self; take his position on the lady's right in riding, open
all gates and pay all tolls on the road.



176 RIDING AND DRIVING



ASSISTING A LADY TO MOUNT.

The lady will place herself on the left side of the horse,
standing as close to it as possible, with her skirts gath-
ered in her left hand, her right hand upon the pommel,
and her face toward the horse's head. The gentleman
should stand at the horse's shoulder, facing the lady,
and stooping, hold his hand so that she may place her
foot in it. This she does, when the foot is lifted as she
springs, so as to gently aid her in gaining the saddle.
The gentleman must then put her foot in the stirrup,
smooth the skirt of her riding habit, and give her the
reins and her riding whip.

RIDING WITH LADIES.

In riding with one lady, a gentleman takes his posi-
tion to the right of her. When riding with two or
more, his position is still to the right unless one of them
needs his assistance or requests his presence near her.
He must offer all the courtesies of the road, and yield
the best and shadiest side to the ladies. The lady must
always decide upon the pace at which to ride. It is un-
generous to urge her or incite her horse to a faster gait
than she feels competent to undertake.

If a gentleman, when riding alone, meets a lady who
is walking and wishes to enter into conversation with
her, he must alight and remain on foot while talking
with her.



KIDIXG AXD DRIVING. 177



ASSISTING A LADY TO ALIGHT FROM HER HORSE.

After the ride, the gentleman must assist his com-
panion to alight. She must first free her knee from the
pommel, and be certain that her habit is entirely disen-
gaged. He must then take her left hand in his right,
and offer his left hand as a step for her foot. He then
lowers his hand slowly and allows her to reach the
ground gently without springing. A lady should not
attempt to spring from the saddle.

DRIVING.

The choicest seat in a double carriage is the one fac-
ing the horses, and gentlemen should always yield this
seat to the ladies. If only one gentleman and one lady
are riding in a two-seated carriage, the gentleman must
sit opposite the lady, unless she invites him to a seat by
her side. The place of honor is on the right hand of
the seat facing the horses. This is also the seat of the
hostess, which she never resigns. If she is not driving, it
must be offered to the most distinguished lady. A person
should enter a carriage with the back to the seat, so as
to prevent turning round in the carriage. A gentle-
man must be careful not to trample upon or crush a
lady's dress. In driving, one should always remember
that the rule of the road in meeting and passing another
vehicle is to keep to the right.

12



178 RIDING AND DRIVING.

ASSISTING LADIES TO ALIGHT,

A gentleman must first alight from a carriage, even
if he has to pass before a lady in doing so. He must
then assist the ladies to alight. If there is a servant
with the carriage, the latter may hold open the door,
but the gentleman must by all means furnish the ladiea>
the required assistance. If a lady has occasion to leave
the carriage before the gentleman accompanying her, he
must alight to assist her out, and if she wishes to resume
her seat, he must again alight to help her to do so.

In assisting a lady to enter a carriage, a gentleman
will take care that the skirt of her dress is not allowed
to hang outside. A carriage robe should be provided
to protect her dress from the mud and dust of the road.
The gentleman should provide the lady with her para-
sol, fan and shawl, and see that she is comfortable in
every way, before he seats himself.

TRUSTING THE DRIVER.

While driving with another who holds the reins, you
must not interfere with the driver, as anything of this
kind implies a reproof, which is very offensive. If you
think his couduct wrong, or are in fear of danger result-
ing, you may delicately suggest a change, apologizing
theref or, You should resign yourself to the driver's con-
trol, and be perfectly calm and self-possessed during the
course of a drive.



CHAPTER XVI.
atxd




HE correct behavior of young men
toward young ladies, and of young
ladies toward young men, during
that portion of their lives when they
are respectively paying attention to,
and receiving attention from, one
another, is a matter which requires
consideration in a work of this nature.

A GENTLEMAN'S CONDUCT TOWARD LADIES.

Young people of either sex, who have
arrived at mature age, and who are not en-
gaged, have the utmost freedom in their social
intercourse in this country, and are at liberty
to associate and mingle freely in the same cir-
cles with those of the opposite sex. Gentlemen are at
liberty to invite their lady friends to concerts, operas,
balls, etc., to call upon them at their homes, to ride and
drive with them, and make themselves agreeable to al)
young ladies to whom their company is acceptable. In
fact they are at liberty to" accept invitations and give
them ad libitum. As soon, however, as a young gentle-



180 OOCKT8HIP AXD MARRIAGE.

man neglects all others, to devote himself to a single
lady, he gives that lady reason to suppose that he is par
ticularly attracted to her, and may give her cause to
believe that she is to become engaged to him, without
telling her so. A gentleman who does not contemplate
matrimony should not pay too exclusive attention to any
one lady.

A LADY'S CONDUCT TOWARD GENTLEMEN.

A young lady who is not engaged may receive calls
and attentions from such unmarried gentlemen as she
desires, and may accept invitations to ride, to concerts,
theatres, etc. She should use due discretion, however,
as to whom she favors by the acceptance of such invita-
tions. A young lady should not allow special attention
from anyone to. whom she is not specially attracted,
because, first, she may do injury to the gentleman in
seeming to give his suit encouragement; and, secondly,
she may keep away from her those whom she likes bet-
ter, but who will not approach her under the mistaken
idea that her feelings are already interested. A young
lady should not encourage the addresses of a gentleman
unless she feels that she can return his affections. It is
the prerogative of a man to propose, and of a woman to
accept or refuse, and a lady of tact and kind heart will
exercise her prerogative before her suitor is brought
to the humiliation of an offer which must result in a
refusal.

No well-bred lady will too eagerly receive the atten-
tions of a gentleman, no matter how much she admires



OOUKTSHIP AST) MABKIA&K. 1S1

him; nor, on the other hand, will she be so reserred as
to altogether discourage him, A man may show con-
siderable attention to a lady without becoming a lover;
and so a lady may let it be seen that die is not disagree-
able to him without discouraging him, She will be able
to judge soon from his actions and deportment, as to his
motive in paying her his attentions, and wffl treat him
accordingly. A man does not like to be refused when
he makes a proposal, and no man of tact will risk a
refusal Neither will a well-bred lady encourage a man
to make a proposal, which she must refuse. She should
endeavor, in discouraging him as a lover, to retain his
friendship. A young man of sensibilities, who can take
a hint when it is offered him, need not run the risk of a
refusaL

PEEXATCBE DECLARATION.

It is very injudicious, not to say presumptuous, for a
gentleman to make a proposal to a young lady on too
brief an acquaintance. A lady who would accept a gen-
tleman at first sight can hardly possess the discretion
needed to make a good wife.

THOROUGH ACQUADTTAXCTS AS A. BASK JOB MAKKIAGK.

Perhaps there is such a thing as love at first sight,
but love alone is a very uncertain foundation upon which
to base marriage. There should be thorough acquain-
tanceship and a certain knowledge of harmony of
tastes and temperaments before matrimony is ventured
upon.



182 COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE.

PROPER MANNER OF COURTSHIP.

It is impossible to lay down any rule as to the proper
mode of courtship and proposal. In France it is the
business of the parents to settle all preliminaries. In
England the young man asks the consent of the parents
to pay addresses to their daughter. In this country the
matter is left almost entirely to the young people.

It seems that circumstances must determine whether
courtship may lead to engagement. Thus, a man may
begin seriously to court a girl, but may discover before
any promise binds them to each other, that they are en-
tirely unsuited to one another, when he may, with per-
fect propriety and without serious injury to the lady,
withdraw his attentions.

Certain authorities insist that the consent of parents
must always be obtained before the daughter is asked to
give herself in marriage. While there is nothing improper
or wrong in such a course, still, in this country, with
our social customs, it is deemed best in most cases not
to be too strict in this regard. Each case has its own
peculiar circumstances which must govern it, and it
seems at least pardonable if the young man should pre-
fer to know his fate directly from the lips of the most
interested party, before he submits himself to the cooler
judgment and the critical observation of the father and
mother, who are not by any means in love with him,
and who may possibly regard him with a somewhat
jealous eye, as having already monopolized their daugh-
ter's affections, and now desires to take her away from
them altogether.



COTJKTSHIP AXD MARRIAGE. 183

PAEEXTS SHOULD EXERCISE AUTHORITY OVER DAUGHTERS.

Parents should always be perfectly familiar with the
character of their daughter's associates, and they should
exercise their authority so far as not to permit her to
form any improper acquaintances. In regulating the
social relations of their daughter, parents should bear in
mind the possibility of her falling in love with any one
with whom she may come in frequent contact. There-
fore, if any gentleman of her acquaintance is particu-
larly ineligible as a husband, he should be excluded as
far as practicable from her society.

A WATCHFUL CARE REQUIRED BY PARENTS.

Parents, especially mothers, should also watch with a
jealous care the tendencies of their daughter's affections;
and if they see them turning toward unworthy or unde-
sirable objects, influence of some sort should be brought
to bear to counteract this. Great delicacy and tact are
required to manage matters rightly. A more suitable
person may, if available, be brought forward, in the
hope of attracting the young girl's attention. The
objectionable traits of the undesirable suitor should be
made apparent to her without the act seeming to be in-
tentional ; and if all this fails, let change of scene and
surroundings by travel or visiting accomplish the desired
result. The latter course will generally do it, if matters
have not been allowed to progress too far and the young
girl is not informed why she is temporarily banished
from home.



184 COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE.

AN ACCEPTABLE SUITOR.

Parents should always be able to tell from observation
and instinct just how matters stand with their daughter;
and if the suitor is an acceptable one and everything sat-
isfactory, then the most scrupulous rules of etiquette
will not prevent their letting the young couple alone.
If the lover chooses to propose directly to the lady and
consult her father afterward, consider that he has a per-
fect right to do so. If her parents have sanctioned his
visits and attentions by a silent consent, he has a right
to believe that his addresses will be favorably received
by them.

REQUIREMENTS FOR A HAPPY MARRIAGE.

Hespect for each other is as necessary to a happy
marriage as that the husband and wife should have an
affection for one another. Social equality, intellectual
sympathy, and sufficient means are very important mat-
ters to be considered by those who contemplate matri-
mony.

It must be remembered that husband and wife, after
marriage, have social relations to sustain, and perhaps it
will be discovered, before many months of wedded life
have passed, when there is a social inequality, that one
of the two have made a sacrifice for which no adequate
compensation has been or ever will be received. And
so both lives become soured and spoiled, because neither
receives nor can receive the sympathy which their efforts
deserve, and because their cares are multiplied from a



COTJBTSIIIP AXD MARRIAGE. 185

want of congeniality. One or the other may find that
the noble qualities seen by the impulse of early love,
were but the creation of an infatuated fancy, existing
only in the mind where it originated.

Another condition of domestic happiness is intellec-
tual sympathy. Man requires a woman who can make
his home a place of rest for him, and woman requires a
man of domestic tastes. While a woman who seeks to
find happiness in a married life will never consent to be
wedded to an idler or a pleasure-seeker, so a man of in-
telligence will wed none but a woman of intelligence
and good sense. Neither beauty, physical characteris-
tics nor other external qualifications will compensate for
the absence of intellectual thought and clear and quick
comprehensions. An absurd idea is held by some that
intelligence and domestic virtues cannot go together;
that an intellectual woman will never be content to stay
at home to look after the interests of her household and
children. A more unreasonable idea has never been sug-
gested, for as the intellect is strengthened and cultured,
it has a greater capacity of affection, of domesticity and
of self-sacrifice for others.

Mutual trust and confidence are other requisites for
happiness in married life. There can be no true love
without trust. The responsibility of a man's life is in
a woman's keeping from the moment he puts his heart
into her hands. Without mutual trust there can be no
real happiness.

Another requisite for conjugal happiness is moral and
religious sympathy, that each may walk side by side in



186 OOTJKT8HIP AND MABKIAGE.

the same path , of moral purpose and social usefulness,
with joint hope of immortality.

PROPOSALS OP MARRIAGE.

Rules in regard to proposals of marriage cannot be
laid down, for they are and should be as different as
people. The best way is to apply to the lady in person,
and receive the answer from her own lips. If courage
should fail a man in this, he can resort to writing, by
which he can clearly and boldly express his feelings.
A spoken declaration should be bold, manly and earnest,
and so plain in its meaning that there can be no mis-
understanding. As to the exact words to be used, there
can be no set formula; each proposer must be governed
his own ideas and sense of propriety in the matter.

DO NOT PRESS AN UNWELCOME SUIT.

A gentleman should evince a sincere and unselfish
affection for his beloved, and he will show as well as
feel that her happiness must be considered before his
own. Consequently he should not press an unwelcome
suit upon a young lady. If she has no affection for him,
and does not conceive it possible even to entertain any, it
is cruel to urge her to give her person without her love.
The eager lover may believe, for the time being, that
such possession would satisfy him, but the day will
surely come when he will reproach his wife that she had
no love for him, and he will possibly make that an excuse
for all manner of unkindness.



COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE. 187

A LADY'S FIRST REFUSAL.

It is not always necessary to take a lady's first refusal
as absolute. Diffidence or uncertainty as to her own
feelings may sometimes influence a lady to reply in the
negative, and after-consideration cause her to regret
that reply.

Though a gentleman may repeat his suit with pro-
priety after having been once repulsed, still it should
not be repeated too often nor too long, lest it should
degenerate into importuning.

No lady worthy any gentleman's regard will say
"no" twice to a suit which she intends ultimately to
receive with favor. A lady should be allowed all the
time she requires before making up her mind; and if the
gentleman grows impatient at the delay, he is always at
liberty to insist on an immediate answer and abide by
the consequences of his impatience.

A LADY'S POSITIVE REFUSAL,

A lady who really means " no " should be able to so
say it as to make her meaning unmistakable. For her
own sake and that of her suitor, if she really desires the
suit ended her denial should be positive, yet kind and
dignified, and of a character to let no doubt remain of
its being final.

TRIFLING WITH A LADY.

A man should never make a declaration in a jesting
manner. It is most unfair to a lady. He has no right



188 COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE.

to trifle with her feelings for mere sport, nor has he a
right to hide his own meaning under the guise of a jest.

A DOUBTFUL ANSWER.

Nothing can be more unfair or more unjustifiable than
a doubtful answer given under the plea of sparing the
suitor's feelings. It raises false hopes. It renders a
man restless and unsettled. It may cause him to ex-
press himself or to shape his conduct in such a manner
as he would not dream of doing were his suit utterly
hopeless.

HOW TO TREAT A REFUSAL.

As a woman is not bound to accept the first offer that
is made to her, so no sensible man will think the worse
of her, nor feel himself personally injured by a refusal.
That it will give him pain is most probable. A scornful
" no " or a simpering promise to " think about it " is the
reverse of generous.

In refusing, the lady ought to convey her full sense
of the high honor intended her by the gentleman, and
to add, seriously but not offensively, that it is not in
accordance with her inclination, or that circumstances
compel her to give an unfavorable answer.

UNLADYLIKE CONDUCT TOWARD A SUITOR.

It is only the contemptible flirt that keeps an honor-
able man in suspense for the purpose of glorifying her-
self by his attentions in the eyes of friends. Nor would
any but a frivolous or vicious girl boast of the offer she
had received and rejected. Such an offer is a privileged



COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE. 189

communication. The secret of it should be held sacred.
No true lady will ever divulge to anyone, unless it may
be to her mother, the fact of such an offer. It is the
severest breach of honor to do so. A lady who has
once been guilty of boasting of an offer should never
have a second opportunity for thus boasting.

No true-hearted woman can entertain any other feel-
ing than that of commiseration for the man over whose