the family she is visiting, it should be to the hostess, or
if to any of the children, to the youngest in preference,
though it is usually better to give it to the mother.
Upon returning home, when the guest writes to the host-
ess, she expresses her thanks for the hospitality, and
requests to be remembered to the family.

TREATMENT OF A HOST*S FRIENDS.

If you are a guest, you must be very cautious as to the
treatment of the friends of your host or hostess. If you
do not care to be intimate with them, you must be care-
ful not to show a dislike for them, or that you wish to
avoid them. You must be exceedingly polite and agree-



74: ETIQUETTE OF VISITING.

able to them, avoiding any special familiarity, and keep
them at a distance without hurting their feelings. Do
not say to your host or hostess that you do not like any
of their friends.

LEAVE-TAKING.

Upon taking leave, express the pleasure you have
experienced in your visit. Upon returning home it is
an act of courtesy to write and inform your friends of
your Bafe arrival, at the same time repeating your
thanks.

A host and hostess should do all they can to make the
visit of a friend agreeable ; they should urge him to stay
as long as it is consistent with his own plans, and at the
same time convenient to themselves; But when the
time for departure has been fully fixed upon, no obstacle
should be placed in the way of leave-taking. Help him
in every possible way to depart, at the same time giving
him a cordial invitation to renew the visit at some future
period.

"Welcome the coining, speed the parting, guest,"

expresses the true spirit of hospitality.



CHAPTER VII.



atxd falling



N authentic writer upon visiting cards
says: " To the unrefined or under-
bred, the visiting card is but a tri-
fling and insignificant bit of paper;
but to the cultured disciple of
social law, it conveys a subtle and
unmistakable intelligence. Its tex-
ture, style of engraving, and even the
hour of leaving it combine to place the
stranger, whose name it bears, in a pleas-
ant or a disagreeable attitude, even before
his manners, conversation and face have been
able to explain his social position. The higher
the civilization of a community, the more
careful it is to preserve the elegance of its
social forms. It is quite as easy to express a perfect
breeding in the fashionable formalities of cards, as by
any other method, and perhaps, indeed, it is the safest
herald of an introduction for a stranger. Its texture
should be fine, its engraving a plain script, its size nei-
ther too small, so that its recipients shall say to them-
selves, ' A whimsical person,' nor too large to suggest

(75)




76 VISITING AND CALLING CARDS.

ostentation. Refinement seldom touches extremes in
anything."

CALLING CAEDS.

A card used in calling should have nothing upon it
but the name of the caller. A lady's card should not
bear her place of residence; such cards having, of late,
been appropriated by the members of the demi-monde.
The street and number always look better upon the card
of the husband than upon that of the wife. When nec-
essary, they can be added in pencil on the cards of the
svife and daughter. A business card should never be
used for a friendly call. A physician may put the pre-
fix "Dr.," or the affix "M. D.," upon his card, and an
army or navy officer his rank and branch of service.

WEDDING CARDS.

Wedding cards are only sent to those people whom
the newly married couple desire to keep among their
acquaintances, and it is then the duty of those receiving
the cards to call first on the young couple.

An ancient custom, but one which has been recently
revived, is for the friends of the bride and groom to
send cards; these are of great variety in size and design,
and resemble Christmas or Easter cards but are usually
more artistic.

CHRISTMAS AND EASTER CARDS.

A very charming custom that is coming into vogue is
the giving or sending of Easter and Christmas cards.
These are of such elegant designs and variety of colors



VISITING AND CALLING CARDS. 77

that the stationer takes great pride in decorating his
shop windows with them; indeed some of them are so
elegant as to resemble oil paintings. Books and other
small offerings may accompany cards as a token of
remembrance.

CAEDS TO SERVE FOE CALLS.

A person may make a card serve the purpose of a call,
and it may either be sent in an envelope, by messenger
or left in person. If left in person, one corner should be
turned down. To indicate that a call is made on all or
several members of the family; the card for the lady of
the house is folded in the middle. If guests are visiting
at the house, a card is left for each guest.

ENCLOSING A CAED IN AN ENVELOPE.

To return a call made in person with a card inclosed
in an envelope, is an intimation that visiting between
the parties is ended. Those who leave or send their
cards with no such intention, should not inclose them in
an envelope. An exception to this rule is where they
are sent in return to the newly married living in other
cities, or in answering wedding cards forwarded when
absent from home. P. P. C. cards are also sent in this
way, and are the only cards that it is as yet universally
considered admissible to send by post.

SIZE AND STYLE OP VISITING OB CALLING CAEDS.

A medium sized is in better taste than a very large
card for married persons. Cards bearing the name of
the husband alone are smaller. The cards of unmarried



78



VISITING AND CALLING CARDS.



men should also be small. The engraving in simple
writing is preferred, and without flourishes. Nothing
in cards can be more commonplace than large printed
letters, be the type what it may. Young men should
dispense with the " Mr." before their names.




CALLING CARDS.



CORNERS OF CARDS TURNED DOWN.

The signification of turning down the corners of cards



are:



Visite The right hand upper corner.
Felicitation The left hand upper corner.
Condolence The left hand lower corner.

To TaJce C Leave \ The ri S ht hand lower corner '
Card, right hand end turned down Delivered in Per-



son.



VISITING AND CALLING CARDS. 79

CARD FOB MOTHER AND DAUGHTER.

The name of young ladies are sometimes printed or
engraved on their mother's cards; both in script. It is,
of course, allowable, for the daughter to have cards of
her own.

Some ladies have adopted the fashion of having the
daughter's name on the same card with their own and
their husband's names.

GLAZED CARDS.

Glazed cards are quite out of fashion, as are cards and
note paper with gilt edges. The fashion in cards, how-
ever, change *so often, that what is in style one year,
may not be the next.

p. P. c. CARDS.

A card left at a farewell visit, before a long protracted
absence, has "P. P. C." (Pour Prendre Conge) written
in one corner. It is not necessary to deliver such cards
in person, for they may be sent by a messenger, or by
post if necessary. P. P. C. cards are not left when the
absence from home is only for a few months, nor by
persons starting in mid-summer for a foreign country,
as residents are then supposed to be out of town. They
are sent to or left with friends by ladies just previous
to their contemplated marriage to serve the purpose of
a call.

CARDS OF CONGRATULATION.-

Cards of congratulation must be left in person, or a
congratulatory note, if desired, can be made to serve



80 VISITING AND CALLING CARDS.

instead of a call; excepting upon the newly married.
Calls in person are due to them, and to the parents wh
have invited you to the marriage. When there has been
a reception after the ceremony, which you have beea
unable to attend, but have sent cards by some member
of your family, your cards need not again represent you
until they have been returned, with the new residence
announced; but a call is due to the parents or relative*
who have given the reception. When no wedding
cards are sent you, nor the card of the bridegroom, you
cannot call without being considered intrusive. One
month after the birth of a child the call of congratula-
tion is made by acquaintances.

LEAVE CARDS IN MAKING FIEST CALL.

In making the first calls of the season (in the autumn)
both ladies and gentlemen should leave a card each, at
every house called upon, even if the ladies are receiving.
The reason of this is that where a lady is receiving
morning calls, it would be too great a tax upon her
memory to oblige her to keep in mind what calls she has
to return or which of them have been returned, and ia
making out lists for inviting informally, it is often the
card-stand which is first searched for bachelors' cards, to
meet the emergency. Young men should be careful t
write their street and number on their cards.

LEAVE CARDS AFTEK AN INVITATION.

After an invitation, cards must be left upon those who
have sent it, whether it is accepted or not. They must



VISITING AND CALLING CARDS. 81

be left in person, and if it is desired to end the acquain-
tance the cards can be left without inquiring whether
the ladies are at home.

Gentlemen should not expect to receive invitations
from ladies with whom they are only on terms of formal
visiting, until the yearly or autumnal call has been made,
or until their cards have been left to represent themselves.

CABDS IN MEMOBIAM.

These are a loving tribute to the memory of the
departed ; an English custom rapidly gaining favor
with us; it announces to friends the death, of which
they might remain in ignorance but for this mark of
respect :



Stated
5tfv, 1839,



itfv &i

f Sittfc.

, 1876.



3vto tf-uz- UMI iavus o



82 YI8ITINQ AND CALLING CARDS.

CARDS OF CONDOLENCE.

Cards of condolence left by mere acquaintances must
be returned by "mourning cards" before such persons
feel at liberty to make a call. When the bereaved are
ready to receive calls (instead of the cards) of their
acquaintances, " mourning cards " in envelopes, or other-
wise, are returned to all those who have left their cards
since the death, which was the occasion of the cards
being left. Intimate friends, of course, do not wait for
cards, but continue their calls, without regard to any
ceremonious observances made for the protection of the
bereaved. Acquaintances leaving cards should inquire
after the health of the family, leaving the cards in person.

MOURNING CARDS.

On announcement of a death it is correct to call in
person at the door; to make inquiries and leave your
card, with lower left hand corner turned town. Unless
close intimacy exists, it is not usage to ask to see the
afflicted. Cards can be sent to express sympathy, but
notes of condolence are permissible only from intimate

friends.

A BRIDEGROOM'S CARD.

When only the family and the most intimate friends
of a bride and bridegroom have been included in the
invitation for the marriage, or where there has been no
reception after the marriage at church, the bridegroom
often sends his bachelor card (inclosed in an envelope)
to those of his acquaintances with whom he wishes to
continue on visiting terms. Those who receive a card



VISITING AND CALLING CARDS.



83



should call on the bride, within ten days after she has
taken possession of her home. Some persons have
received such a card as an intimation that the card was
to end the acquaintance. This mistake shows the
necessity of a better understanding of social customs.




CHAPTER VIII.




HE character of a person is revealed
by his conversation as much as by
any one quality he possesses, for
strive as he may he cannot always
be acting.

IMPORTANCE OP CONVERSING WELL.

To be able to converse well is an attain-
ment which should be cultivated by eveiy
intelligent man and woman. It is better
to be a good talker than a good singer or
musician, because the former is more widely
appreciated, and the company of a person who
is able to talk well on a great variety of sub-
jects, is much sought after. The importance, therefore,
of cultivating the art of conversation, cannot easily be
over-estimated. It should be the aim of all intelligent
persons to acquire the habit of talking sensibly and with
facility upon all topics of general interest to society, so
that they may both interest others and be themselves
interested, in whatever company they may chance to be
thrown.

(84)



CONVERSATION. 85

TRAINING CHILDREN.

The training for this should be commenced in early
childhood. Parents should not only encourage their
children to express themselves freely upon everything
that attracts their attention and interests them, but they
should also incite their faculties of perception, memory
and close observation, by requiring them to recount
everything, even to its minutest details, that they may
have observed in walking to and from school, or in tak-
ing a ride in a carriage or in the cars. By training a
child to a close observation of everything he meets or
passes,' his mind becomes very active, and the habit hav-
ing once been acquired, he becomes interested in a great
variety of objects; sees more and enjoys more than one
who has not been so trained.

CULTIVATING THE MEMORY.

A good memory is an invaluable aid in acquiring the
art of conversation, and the cultivation and training of
this faculty is a matter of importance. Early youth is
the proper time to begin this training, and parents and
teachers should give special attention to the cultivation
of memory. When children are taken to church, or to
hear a lecture, they should be required to relate or to
write down from memory, such a digest of the sermon
or lecture as they can remember. Adults may also
adopt this plan for cultivating the memory, and they
will be surprised to find how continued practice in this
will improve this faculty. The practice of taking notes



86 CONVERSATION.

impairs rather than aids the memory, for then a person
relies almost entirely in the notes taken, and does not
tax the memory sufficiently. A person should also train
himself to remember the names of persons whom he
becomes acquainted with, so as to recall them whenever
or wherever he may subsequently meet them. It is
related of a large wholesale boot and shoe merchant of
an eastern city, that he was called upon one day by one
of his best customers, residing in a distant city, whom
he had frequently met, but whose name, at the time, he
could not recall, and received his order for a large bill
of goods. As he was about to leave, the merchant asked
his name, when the customer indignantly replied that he
supposed he was known by a man from whom he had
purchased goods for many years, and countermanding
his order, he left the store, deaf to all attempts at
explanation. Though this may be an extreme case, it
illustrates the importance of remembering the names of
people when circumstances require it.

HENBY CLAY'S MEMOEY OF NAMES.

One secret of Henry Clay's popularity as a politician
was his faculty of remembering the names of persons he
had met. It is said of him that if he was once intro-
duced to a person, he was ever afterwards able to call
him by name, and recount the circumstances of their
first meeting. This faculty he cultivated after he entered
upon the practice of law in Kentucky, and soon after he
began his political life. At that time his memory for
names was very poor, and he resolved to improve it.



CONVERSATION. 87

He adopted the practice, just before retiring at night,
of recalling the names of all the persons he had met
during the day, writing them in a note book, and repeat-
ing over the list the next morning. By this practice, he
acquired in time, his wonderful faculty in remembering
the names of persons he had become acquainted with.

WRITING AS AN AID TO CORRECT TALKING.

To converse correctly to use correct language in
conversation is also a matter of importance, and while
this can be acquired by a strict attention to grammatical
rules, it can be greatly facilitated by the habit of writ-
ing down one's thoughts. In writing, strict regard is,
or should be, paid to the correct use of language, and
when a person, from constant writing, acquires the habit
of using correct language, this habit will follow him in
talking. A person who is accustomed to much writing,
will always be found to use language correctly in speak-
ing.

REQUISITES FOR A GOOD TALKER.

To be a good talker then, one should be possessed of
much general information, acquired by keen observation,
attentive listening, a good memory, extensive reading
and study, logical habits of thought, and have a correct
knowledge of the use of language. He should also aim
at a clear intonation, well chosen phraseology and cor-
rect accent. These acquirements are within the reach
of every person of ordinary ability, who has a deter-
mination to possess them, and the energy and persever-
ance to carry out that determination.



88 CONVERSATION.



VULGARISMS.

In conversation, one must scrupulously guard against
vulgarisms. Simplicity and terseness of language are
the characteristics of a well educated and highly culti-
vated person. It is the uneducated or those who are
but half educated, who use long words and high-sound-
ing phrases. A hyperbolical way of speaking is mere
flippancy, and should be avoided. Such phrases as " aw-
fully pretty," " immensely jolly," " abominally stupid,"
" disgustingly mean," are of this nature, and should be
avoided. Awkwardness of attitude is equally as bad as
awkwardness of speech. Lolling, gesticulating, fidget-
ing, handling an eye-glass or watch chain and the like,
give an air of gaucherie, and take off a certain percent-
age from the respect of others.

LISTENING.

The habit of listening with interest and attention
is one which should be specially cultivated. Even if
the talker is prosy and prolix, the well-bred person will
appear interested, and at appropriate intervals make
such remarks as shall show that he has heard and under-
stood all that has been said. Some superficial people are
apt to style this hypocrisy; but if it is, it is certainly a
commendable hypocrisy, directly founded on that strict
rule of good manners which commands us to show the
same courtesy to others that we hope to receive ourselves.
We are commanded to check our impulses, conceal our
dislikes, and even modify our likings whenever or wher-



CONVERSATION. 89

ever these are liable to give offense or pain to others.
The person who turns away with manifest displeasure,
disgust or want of interest when another is addressing
him, is guilty not only of an ill-bred, but a cruel act.

''PLIPPANCY.

In conversation all provincialism, affectations of for-
eign accents, mannerisms, exaggerations and slang are
detestable. Equally to be avoided are inaccuracies of
expression, hesitation, an undue use of foreign words,
and anything approaching to flippancy, coarseness, triv-
iality or provocation. Gentlemen sometimes address
ladies in a very flippant manner, which the latter are
obliged to pass over without notice, for various reasons,
while inwardly they rebel. Many a worthy man has
done himself an irreparable injury by thus creating a
lasting prejudice in the minds of those whom he might
have made his friends, had he addressed them as though
he considered them rational beings, capable of sustain-
ing their part in a conversation upon sensible subjects.
Flippancy is as much an evidence of ill-breeding as is
the perpetual smile, the wandering eye, the vacant stare,
and the half -opened mouth of the man who is preparing
to break in upon the conversation.

BE SYMPATHETIC AND ANIMATED.

Do not go into society unless you make up your mind
to be sympathetic, unselfish, animating, as well as ani-
mated. Society does not require mirth, but it does
demand cheerfulness and unselfishness, and you must



90 CONVEKSATION.

help to make and sustain cheerful conversation. The
manner of conversation is as important as the matter.

COMPLIMENTS.

Compliments are said by some to be inadmissible.
But between equals, or from those of superior position
to those of inferior station, compliments should be not
only acceptable but gratifying. It is pleasant to know
that our friends think well of us, and it is always agree-
able to know that we are thought well of by those who
hold higher positions, such as men of superior talent, or
women of superior culture. Compliments which are not
sincere, are only flattery and should be avoided; but the
saying of kind things, which is natural to the kind heart,
and which confers pleasure, should be cultivated, at least
not suppressed. Those parents who strive most for the
best mode of training their children are said to have
found that it is never wise to censure them for a fault,
without preparing the way by some judicious mention
of their good qualities.

SLANG.

All slang is vulgar. It lowers the tone of society and
the standard of thought. It is a great mistake to sup-
pose that slang is in any manner witty. Only the very
young or the uncultivated so consider it.

FLATTERY.

Do not be guilty of flattery. The flattery of those
richer than ourselves or better born is vulgar, and bora



CONVERSATION. 91

of rudeness, and is sure to be received as emanating
from unworthy motives. Testify your respect, your
admiration, and your gratitude by deeds more than
words. Words are easy but deeds are difficult. Few
will believe the former, but the latter will carry con-
firmation with them.

SCANDAL AND GOSSIP.

Scandal is the least excusable of all conversational vul-
garities. Envy prompts the tongue of the slanderer.
Jealousy is the disturber of the harmony of all interests.
A writer on this subject says: "Gossip is a trouble-
some sort of insect that only buzzes about your ears
and never bites deep; slander is the beast of prey that
leaps upon you from its den and tears you in pieces.
Slander is the proper object of rage; gossip of con-
tempt." Those who best understand the nature of gos-
sip and slander, if the victims of both, will take no
notice of the former, but will allow no slander of them-
selves to go unrefuted during their lifetime, to spring
up in a hydra-headed attack upon their children. No
woman can be too sensitive as to any charges affecting
her moral character, whether in the influence of her
companionship, or in the influence of her writings.

RELIGION AND POLITICS.

Religion and politics are topics that should never be
introduced into general conversation, for they are sub-
jects dangerous to harmony. Persons are most likely
to differ, and least likely to preserve their tempers on



92 CONVERSATION.

these topics. Long arguments in general company, how-
ever entertaining to the disputants, are very tiresome to
the hearers.

SATIRE AND RIDICULE.

Young persons appear ridiculous when satirizing or
ridiculing books, people or things. Opinions to be worth
the consideration of others should have the advantage
of coming from mature persons. Cultivated people are
not in the habit of resorting to such weapons as satire
and ridicule. They find too much to correct in them-
selves to indulge in coarse censure of the conduct of
others, who may not have had advantages equal to their
own.

TITLES.

In addressing persons with titles always add the name;
as " what do you think of it, Doctor Hayes ?" not " what
do you think of it, Doctor?" In speaking of foreigners
the reverse of the English rule is observed. No matter
what the title of a Frenchman is, he is always addressed
as Monsieur, and you never omit the word Madame,
whether addressing a duchess or a dressmaker. The
former is "Madame la Duchesse," the latter plain
" Madame" Always give a foreigner his title. If Gen-
eral Sherman travels in Europe and is received by the
best classes with the dignity that his worth, culture and
position as an American general demand, he will never
be called Mr. Sherman, but his title will invariably pre-
cede his name. There are persons who fancy that the
omission of the title is annoying to the party who pos-



CONVERSATION. 93

sesses it, but this is not the ground taken why the title
should be given, but because it reveals either ignorance
or ill-breeding on the part of those omitting it.

CHRISTIAN NAMES.

There is a class of persons, who from ignorance of the
customs of good society, or from carelessness, speak of
persons by their Christian names, who are neither rela-
tions nor intimate friends. This is a familiarity which,
outside of the family circle, and beyond friends of the
closest intimacy, is never indulged in by the well-bred.