Produced by David Widger
FOLLOWING
THE EQUATOR
A JOURNEY AROUND THE WORLD
BY
MARK TWAIN
SAMUEL L. CLEMENS
HARTFORD, CONNECTICUT
THIS BOOK
Is affectionately inscribed to
MY YOUNG FRIEND
HARRY ROGERS
WITH RECOGNITION
OF WHAT HE IS, AND APPREHENSION OF WHAT HE MAY BECOME
UNLESS HE FORM HIMSELF A LITTLE MORE CLOSELY
UPON THE MODEL OF
THE AUTHOR.
THE PUDD'NHEAD MAXIMS.
THESE WISDOMS ARE FOR THE LURING OF YOUTH TOWARD
HIGH MORAL ALTITUDES. THE AUTHOR DID NOT
GATHER THEM FROM PRACTICE, BUT FROM
OBSERVATION. TO BE GOOD IS NOBLE;
BUT TO SHOW OTHERS HOW
TO BE GOOD IS NOBLER
AND NO TROUBLE.
PART 1
CONTENTS
CHAPTER I.
The Party - Across America to Vancouver - On Board the Warrimo - Steamer
Chairs-The Captain-Going Home under a Cloud - A Gritty Purser - The
Brightest Passenger - Remedy for Bad Habits - The Doctor and the Lumbago
- A Moral Pauper - Limited Smoking - Remittance-men.
CHAPTER II.
Change of Costume - Fish, Snake, and Boomerang Stories - Tests of Memory
- A Brahmin Expert - General Grant's Memory - A Delicately Improper Tale
CHAPTER III.
Honolulu - Reminiscences of the Sandwich Islands - King Liholiho and His
Royal Equipment - The Tabu - The Population of the Island - A Kanaka Diver
- Cholera at Honolulu - Honolulu; Past and Present - The Leper Colony
CHAPTER IV.
Leaving Honolulu - Flying-fish - Approaching the Equator - Why the Ship Went
Slow - The Front Yard of the Ship - Crossing the Equator - Horse Billiards
or Shovel Board - The Waterbury Watch - Washing Decks - Ship Painters - The
Great Meridian - The Loss of a Day - A Babe without a Birthday
CHAPTER V.
A lesson in Pronunciation - Reverence for Robert Burns - The Southern
Cross - Troublesome Constellations - Victoria for a Name - Islands on the
Map - Alofa and Fortuna - Recruiting for the Queensland Plantations
- Captain Warren's NoteBook - Recruiting not thoroughly Popular
CHAPTER VI.
Missionaries Obstruct Business - The Sugar Planter and the Kanaka - The
Planter's View - Civilizing the Kanaka The Missionary's View - The Result
- Repentant Kanakas - Wrinkles - The Death Rate in Queensland
CHAPTER VII.
The Fiji Islands - Suva - The Ship from Duluth - Going Ashore - Midwinter in
Fiji - Seeing the Governor - Why Fiji was Ceded to England - Old time
Fijians - Convicts among the Fijians - A Case Where Marriage was a Failure
Immortality with Limitations
CHAPTER VIII.
A Wilderness of Islands - Two Men without a Country - A Naturalist from New
Zealand - The Fauna of Australasia - Animals, Insects, and Birds - The
Ornithorhynchus - Poetry and Plagiarism
CHAPTER IX.
Close to Australia - Porpoises at Night - Entrance to Sydney Harbor - The
Loss of the Duncan Dunbar - The Harbor - The City of Sydney - Spring-time in
Australia - The Climate - Information for Travelers - The Size of Australia
- A Dust-Storm and Hot Wind
CHAPTER X.
The Discovery of Australia - Transportation of Convicts - Discipline
- English Laws, Ancient and Modern - Flogging Prisoners to Death - Arrival of
Settlers - New South Wales Corps - Rum Currency - Intemperance Everywhere
$100,000 for One Gallon of Rum - Development of the Country - Immense
Resources
CHAPTER XI.
Hospitality of English-speaking People - Writers and their Gratitude - Mr.
Gane and the Panegyrics - Population of Sydney An English City with
American Trimming - "Squatters" - Palaces and Sheep Kingdoms - Wool and
Mutton - Australians and Americans - Costermonger Pronunciation - England is
"Home" - Table Talk - English and Colonial Audiences 124
CHAPTER XII.
Mr. X., a Missionary - Why Christianity Makes Slow Progress in India - A
Large Dream - Hindoo Miracles and Legends - Sampson and Hanuman - The
Sandstone Ridge - Where are the Gates?
CHAPTER XIII.
Public Works in Australasia - Botanical Garden of Sydney - Four Special
Socialties - The Government House - A Governor and His Functions - The
Admiralty House - The Tour of the Harbor - Shark Fishing - Cecil Rhodes'
Shark and his First Fortune - Free Board for Sharks.
CHAPTER XIV.
Bad Health - To Melbourne by Rail - Maps Defective - The Colony of Victoria
- A Round-trip Ticket from Sydney - Change Cars, from Wide to Narrow
Gauge, a Peculiarity at Albury - Customs-fences - "My Word" - The Blue
Mountains - Rabbit Piles - Government R. R. Restaurants - Duchesses for
Waiters - "Sheep-dip" - Railroad Coffee - Things Seen and Not Seen
CHAPTER XV.
Wagga-Wagga - The Tichborne Claimant - A Stock Mystery - The Plan of the
Romance - The Realization - The Henry Bascom Mystery - Bascom Hall - The
Author's Death and Funeral
CHAPTER XVI.
Melbourne and its Attractions - The Melbourne Cup Races - Cup Day - Great
Crowds - Clothes Regardless of Cost - The Australian Larrikin - Is He Dead?
Australian Hospitality - Melbourne Wool-brokers - The Museums - The Palaces
- The Origin of Melbourne
CHAPTER XVII.
The British Empire - Its Exports and Imports - The Trade of Australia - To
Adelaide - Broken Hill Silver Mine - A Roundabout road - The Scrub and its
Possibilities for the Novelist - The Aboriginal Tracker - A Test Case - How
Does One Cow-Track Differ from Another?
CHAPTER XVIII.
Gum Trees - Unsociable Trees - Gorse and Broom - A universal Defect - An
Adventurer - Wanted L200, got L20,000,000 - A Vast Land Scheme - The
Smash-up - The Corpse Got Up and Danced - A Unique Business by One Man
- Buying the Kangaroo Skin - The Approach to Adelaide - Everything Comes to
Him who Waits - A Healthy Religious sphere - What is the Matter with the
Specter?
CHAPTER XIX.
The Botanical Gardens - Contributions from all Countries - The
Zoological Gardens of Adelaide - The Laughing Jackass - The Dingo - A
Misnamed Province - Telegraphing from Melbourne to San Francisco - A Mania
for Holidays - The Temperature - The Death Rate - Celebration of the
Reading of the Proclamation of 1836 - Some old Settlers at the
Commemoration - Their Staying Powers - The Intelligence of the Aboriginal
- The Antiquity of the Boomerang
CHAPTER XX.
A Caller - A Talk about Old Times - The Fox Hunt - An Accurate Judgment of
an Idiot - How We Passed the Custom Officers in Italy
CHAPTER XXI.
The "Weet-Weet" - Keeping down the Population - Victoria - Killing the
Aboriginals - Pioneer Days in Queensland - Material for a Drama - The Bush
- Pudding with Arsenic Revenge - A Right Spirit but a Wrong Method - Death of
Donga Billy
CHAPTER XXII.
Continued Description of Aboriginals - Manly Qualities - Dodging Balls
- Feats of Spring - Jumping - Where the Kangaroo Learned its Art 'Well
Digging - Endurance - Surgery - Artistic Abilities - Fennimore Cooper's Last
Chance - Australian Slang
CHAPTER XXIII.
To Horsham (Colony of Victoria) - Description of Horsham - At the Hotel
- Pepper Tree-The Agricultural College, Forty Pupils - High Temperature
- Width of Road in Chains, Perches, etc. - The Bird with a Forgettable
Name - The Magpie and the Lady - Fruit Trees - Soils - Sheep Shearing - To Stawell
- Gold Mining Country - $75,000 per Month Income and able to Keep House
- Fine Grapes and Wine - The Dryest Community on Earth - The Three Sisters
- Gum Trees and Water
CHAPTER XXIV.
Road to Ballarat - The City - Great Gold Strike, 1851 - Rush for Australia
- "Great Nuggets" - Taxation - Revolt and Victory - Peter Lalor and the
Eureka Stockade - "Pencil Mark" - Fine Statuary at Ballarat - Population
- Ballarat English
CHAPTER XXV.
Bound for Bendigo - The Priest at Castlemaine - Time Saved by Walking
- Description of Bendigo - A Valuable Nugget - Perseverence and Success
- Mr. Blank and His Influence - Conveyance of an Idea - I Had to Like the
Irishman - Corrigan Castle, and the Mark Twain Club - My Bascom Mystery
Solved
CHAPTER XXVI.
Where New Zealand Is - But Few Know - Things People Think They Know - The
Yale Professor and His Visitor from N. Z.
CHAPTER XXVII.
The South Pole Swell - Tasmania - Extermination of the Natives - The Picture
Proclamation - The Conciliator - The Formidable Sixteen
CHAPTER XXVIII.
When the Moment Comes the Man Appears - Why Ed. Jackson called on
Commodore Vanderbilt - Their Interview - Welcome to the Child of His Friend
- A Big Time but under Inspection - Sent on Important Business - A Visit to
the Boys on the Boat
CHAPTER XXIX:
Tasmania, Early Days - Description of the Town of Hobart - An Englishman's
Love of Home Surroundings - Neatest City on Earth - The Museum - A Parrot
with an Acquired Taste - Glass Arrow Beads - Refuge for the Indigent too
healthy
CHAPTER XXX.
Arrival at Bluff, N. Z. - Where the Rabbit Plague Began - The Natural Enemy
of the Rabbit - Dunedin - A Lovely Town - Visit to Dr. Hockin - His Museum
- A Liquified Caterpillar - The Unperfected Tape Worm - The Public Museum and
Picture
CHAPTER XXXI. The Express Train - "A Hell of a Hotel at Maryborough"
- Clocks and Bells - Railroad Service.
CHAPTER XXXII.
Description of the Town of Christ Church - A Fine Museum - Jade-stone
Trinkets - The Great Man - The First Maori in New Zealand - Women Voters
- "Person" in New Zealand Law Includes Woman - Taming an Ornithorhynchus
- A Voyage in the 'Flora' from Lyttelton - Cattle Stalls for Everybody
- A Wonderful Time.
CHAPTER XXXIII.
The Town of Nelson - "The Mongatapu Murders," the Great Event of the Town
- Burgess' Confession - Summit of Mount Eden - Rotorua and the Hot Lakes
and Geysers - Thermal Springs District - Kauri Gum - Tangariwa Mountains
CHAPTER XXXIV.
The Bay of Gisborne - Taking in Passengers by the Yard Arm - The Green
Ballarat Fly - False Teeth - From Napier to Hastings by the Ballarat Fly
Train - Kauri Trees - A Case of Mental Telegraphy
CHAPTER XXXV.
Fifty Miles in Four Hours - Comfortable Cars - Town of Wauganui - Plenty of
Maoris - On the Increase - Compliments to the Maoris - The Missionary Ways
all Wrong - The Tabu among the Maoris - A Mysterious Sign - Curious
War-monuments - Wellington
CHAPTER XXXVI.
The Poems of Mrs. Moore - The Sad Fate of William Upson - A Fellow Traveler
Imitating the Prince of Wales - A Would-be Dude - Arrival at Sydney
- Curious Town Names with Poem
CHAPTER XXXVII.
From Sydney for Ceylon - A Lascar Crew - A Fine Ship - Three Cats and a
Basket of Kittens - Dinner Conversations - Veuve Cliquot Wine - At Anchor in
King George's Sound Albany Harbor - More Cats - A Vulture on Board - Nearing
the Equator again - Dressing for Dinner - Ceylon, Hotel Bristol - Servant
Brampy - A Feminine Man - Japanese Jinriksha or Cart - Scenes in Ceylon - A
Missionary School - Insincerity of Clothes
CHAPTER XXXVIII.
Steamer Rosettes to Bombay - Limes 14 cents a Barrel - Bombay, a Bewitching
City - Descriptions of People and Dress - Woman as a Road Decoration
- India, the Land of Dreams and Romance - Fourteen Porters to Carry Baggage
- Correcting a Servant - Killing a Slave - Arranging a Bedroom - Three Hours'
Work and a Terrible Racket - The Bird of Birds, the Indian Crow
CHAPTER XXXIX.
God Vishnu, 108 Names - Change of Titles or Hunting for an Heir - Bombay as
a Kaleidoscope - The Native's Man Servant - Servants' Recommendations - How
Manuel got his Name and his English - Satan - A Visit from God
CHAPTER XL.
The Government House at Malabar Point - Mansion of Kumar Shri Samatsin Hji
Bahadur - The Indian Princess - A Difficult Game - Wardrobe and Jewels
- Ceremonials - Decorations when Leaving - The Towers of Silence - A Funeral
CHAPTER XLI.
Jain Temple - Mr. Roychand's Bungalow - A Decorated Six-Gun Prince - Human
Fireworks - European Dress, Past and Present - Complexions - Advantages with
the Zulu - Festivities at the Bungalow-Nautch Dancers - Entrance of the
Prince - Address to the Prince
CHAPTER XLII.
A Hindoo Betrothal, midnight, Sleepers on the ground, Home of the Bride
of Twelve Years Dressed as a Boy - Illumination Nautch Girls - Imitating
Snakes - Later - Illuminated Porch Filled with Sleepers - The Plague
CHAPTER XLIII
Murder Trial in Bombay - Confidence Swindlers - Some Specialities of India
- The Plague, Juggernaut, Suttee, etc. - Everything on Gigantic Scale
- India First in Everything - 80 States, more Custom Houses than Cats - Rich
Ground for Thug Society
CHAPTER XLIV.
Thug Book - Supplies for Traveling, Bedding, and other Freight - Scene at
Railway Station - Making Way for White Man - Waiting Passengers, High and
Low Caste, Touch in the cars - Our Car - Beds made up - Dreaming of Thugs
- Baroda - Meet Friends - Indian Well - The Old Town - Narrow Streets - A Mad
Elephant
CHAPTER XLV.
Elephant Riding - Howdahs - The New Palace - The Prince's Excursion - Gold
and Silver Artillery - A Vice-royal Visit - Remarkable Dog - The Bench Show
- Augustin Daly's Back Door - Fakeer
CHAPTER XLVI.
The Thugs - Government Efforts to Exterminate them - Choking a Victim A
Fakeer Spared - Thief Strangled
CHAPTER XLVII.
Thugs, Continued - Record of Murders - A Joy of Hunting and Killing Men
- Gordon Gumming - Killing an Elephant - Family Affection among Thugs
- Burial Places
CHAPTER XLVIII.
Starting for Allahabad - Lower Berths in Sleepers - Elderly Ladies have
Preference of Berths - An American Lady Takes One Anyhow - How Smythe Lost
his Berth - How He Got Even - The Suttee
CHAPTER XLIX.
Pyjamas - Day Scene in India - Clothed in a Turban and a Pocket
Handkerchief - Land Parceled Out - Established Village Servants - Witches in
Families - Hereditary Midwifery - Destruction of Girl Babies - Wedding
Display - Tiger-Persuader - Hailstorm Discourages - The Tyranny of the
Sweeper - Elephant Driver - Water Carrier - Curious Rivers - Arrival at
Allahabad - English Quarter - Lecture Hall Like a Snowstorm - Private
Carriages - A Milliner - Early Morning - The Squatting Servant - A Religious
Fair
CHAPTER L.
On the Road to Benares - Dust and Waiting - The Bejeweled Crowd - A Native
Prince and his Guard - Zenana Lady - The Extremes of Fashion - The Hotel at
Benares - An Annex a Mile Away - Doors in India - The Peepul Tree - Warning
against Cold Baths - A Strange Fruit - Description of Benares - The
Beginning of Creation - Pilgrims to Benares - A Priest with a Good Business
Stand - Protestant Missionary - The Trinity Brahma, Shiva, and Vishnu
- Religion the Business at Benares
CHAPTER LI.
Benares a Religious Temple - A Guide for Pilgrims to Save Time in Securing
Salvation
CHAPTER LII.
A Curious Way to Secure Salvation - The Banks of the Ganges - Architecture
Represents Piety - A Trip on the River - Bathers and their Costumes
- Drinking the Water - A Scientific Test of the Nasty Purifier - Hindoo Faith
in the Ganges - A Cremation - Remembrances of the Suttee - All Life Sacred
Except Human Life - The Goddess Bhowanee, and the Sacrificers - Sacred
Monkeys - Ugly Idols Everywhere - Two White Minarets - A Great View with a
Monkey in it - A Picture on the Water
CHAPTER LIII.
Still in Benares - Another Living God - Why Things are Wonderful - Sri 108
Utterly Perfect - How He Came so - Our Visit to Sri - A Friendly Deity
Exchanging Autographs and Books - Sri's Pupil - An Interesting Man
- Reverence and Irreverence - Dancing in a Sepulchre
CHAPTER LIV.
Rail to Calcutta - Population - The "City of Palaces" - A Fluted
Candle-stick - Ochterlony - Newspaper Correspondence - Average Knowledge of
Countries - A Wrong Idea of Chicago - Calcutta and the Black Hole
- Description of the Horrors - Those Who Lived - The Botanical Gardens - The
Afternoon Turnout - Grand Review - Military Tournament - Excursion on the
Hoogly - The Museum - What Winter Means Calcutta
CHAPTER LV
On the Road Again - Flannels in Order - Across Country - From Greenland's
Icy Mountain - Swapping Civilization - No Field women in India - How it is
in Other Countries - Canvas-covered Cars - The Tiger Country - My First Hunt
Some Elephants Get Away - The Plains of India - The Ghurkas - Women for
Pack-Horses - A Substitute for a Cab - Darjeeling - The Hotel - The Highest
Thing in the Himalayas - The Club - Kinchinjunga and Mt. Everest
- Thibetans - The Prayer Wheel - People Going to the Bazar
CHAPTER LVI.
On the Road Again - The Hand-Car - A Thirty-five-mile Slide - The Banyan
Tree - A Dramatic Performance - The Railroad - The Half-way House - The Brain
Fever Bird - The Coppersmith Bird - Nightingales and Cue Owls
CHAPTER LVII.
India the Most Extraordinary Country on Earth - Nothing Forgotten - The
Land of Wonders - Annual Statistics Everywhere about Violence - Tiger vs.
Man - A Handsome Fight - Annual Man Killing and Tiger Killing - Other
Animals - Snakes - Insurance and Snake Tables - The Cobra Bite - Muzaffurpore
- Dinapore - A Train that Stopped for Gossip - Six Hours for Thirty-five
Miles - A Rupee to the Engineer - Ninety Miles an Hour - Again to Benares,
the Piety Hive To Lucknow
CHAPTER LVIII.
The Great Mutiny - The Massacre in Cawnpore - Terrible Scenes in Lucknow
- The Residency - The Siege
CHAPTER LIX.
A Visit to the Residency - Cawnpore - The Adjutant Bird and the Hindoo
Corpse - The Tai Mahal - The True Conception - The Ice Storm - True Gems
- Syrian Fountains - An Exaggerated Niagara
CHAPTER LX.
To Lahore - The Governor's Elephant - Taking a Ride-No Danger from
Collision - Rawal Pindi - Back to Delhi - An Orientalized Englishman
- Monkeys and the Paint-pot - Monkey Crying over my Note-book - Arrival at
Jeypore - In Rajputana - Watching Servants - The Jeypore Hotel - Our Old and
New Satan - Satan as a Liar - The Museum - A Street Show - Blocks of Houses
- A Religious Procession
CHAPTER LXI.
Methods in American Deaf and Dumb Asylums - Methods in the Public Schools
- A Letter from a youth in Punjab - Highly Educated Service - A Damage to
the Country - A Little Book from Calcutta - Writing Poor English
- Embarrassed by a Beggar Girl - A Specimen Letter - An Application for
Employment - A Calcutta School Examination - Two Samples of
Literature
CHAPTER LXII.
Sail from Calcutta to Madras - Thence to Ceylon - Thence for Mauritius
- The Indian Ocean - Our Captain's Peculiarity The Scot Has one too - The
Flying-fish that Went Hunting in the Field - Fined for Smuggling - Lots of
pets on Board - The Color of the Sea - The Most Important Member of
Nature's Family - The Captain's Story of Cold Weather - Omissions in the
Ship's Library - Washing Decks - Pyjamas on Deck - The Cat's Toilet - No
Interest in the Bulletin - Perfect Rest - The Milky Way and the Magellan
Clouds - Mauritius - Port Louis - A Hot Country - Under French Control
- A Variety of People and Complexions - Train to Curepipe - A Wonderful
Office-holder - The Wooden Peg Ornament - The Prominent Historical Event of
Mauritius - "Paul and Virginia" - One of Virginia's Wedding Gifts - Heaven
Copied after Mauritius - Early History of Mauritius - Quarantines
- Population of all Kinds - What the World Consists of - Where Russia and
Germany are - A Picture of Milan Cathedral - Newspapers - The Language - Best
Sugar in the World - Literature of Mauritius
CHAPTER LXIII.
Port Louis - Matches no Good - Good Roads - Death Notices - Why European
Nations Rob Each Other - What Immigrants to Mauritius Do - Population
- Labor Wages - The Camaron - The Palmiste and other Eatables - Monkeys - The
Cyclone of 1892 - Mauritius a Sunday Landscape
CHAPTER LXIV.
The Steamer "Arundel Castle" - Poor Beds in Ships - The Beds in Noah's Ark
- Getting a Rest in Europe - Ship in Sight - Mozambique Channel - The
Engineer and the Band - Thackeray's "Madagascar" - Africanders Going Home
- Singing on the After Deck - An Out-of-Place Story - Dynamite Explosion in
Johannesburg - Entering Delagoa Bay - Ashore - A Hot Winter - Small Town - No
Sights - No Carriages - Working Women - Barnum's Purchase of Shakespeare's
Birthplace, Jumbo, and the Nelson Monument - Arrival at Durban
CHAPTER LXV.
Royal Hotel Durban - Bells that Did not Ring - Early Inquiries for Comforts
- Change of Temperature after Sunset-Rickhaws - The Hotel Chameleon
- Natives not out after the Bell - Preponderance of Blacks in Natal - Hair
Fashions in Natal - Zulus for Police - A Drive round the Berea - The Cactus
and other Trees - Religion a Vital Matter - Peculiar Views about Babies
- Zulu Kings - A Trappist Monastery - Transvaal Politics - Reasons why the
Trouble came About
CHAPTER LXVI.
Jameson over the Border - His Defeat and Capture - Sent to England for
Trial - Arrest of Citizens by the Boers - Commuted sentences - Final Release
of all but Two - Interesting Days for a Stranger - Hard to Understand
Either Side - What the Reformers Expected to Accomplish - How They Proposed
to do it - Testimonies a Year Later - A "Woman's Part" - The Truth of the
South African Situation - "Jameson's Ride" - A Poem
CHAPTER LXVIL
Jameson's Raid - The Reform Committee's Difficult Task - Possible Plans
- Advice that Jameson Ought to Have - The War of 1881 and its Lessons
- Statistics of Losses of the Combatants - Jameson's Battles - Losses on Both
Sides - The Military Errors - How the Warfare Should Have Been Carried on
to Be Successful
CHAPTER LXVIII.
Judicious Mr. Rhodes - What South Africa Consists of - Johannesburg - The
Gold Mines - The Heaven of American Engineers - What the Author Knows about
Mining - Description of the Boer - What Should be Expected of Him - What Was
A Dizzy Jump for Rhodes - Taxes - Rhodesian Method of Reducing Native
Population - Journeying in Cape Colony - The Cars - The Country - The
Weather - Tamed Blacks - Familiar Figures in King William's Town - Boer
Dress - Boer Country Life - Sleeping Accommodations - The Reformers in Boer
Prison - Torturing a Black Prisoner
CHAPTER LXIX.
An Absorbing Novelty - The Kimberley Diamond Mines - Discovery of Diamonds
- The Wronged Stranger - Where the Gems Are - A Judicious Change of
Boundary - Modern Machinery and Appliances - Thrilling Excitement in
Finding a Diamond - Testing a Diamond - Fences - Deep Mining by Natives in
the Compound - Stealing - Reward for the Biggest Diamond - A Fortune in
Wine - The Great Diamond - Office of the De Beer Co. - Sorting the Gems
- Cape Town - The Most Imposing Man in British Provinces - Various Reasons
for his Supremacy - How He Makes Friends
CONCLUSION.
Table Rock - Table Bay - The Castle - Government and Parliament - The Club
- Dutch Mansions and their Hospitality - Dr. John Barry and his Doings - On
the Ship Norman - Madeira - Arrived in Southampton
FOLLOWING THE EQUATOR
CHAPTER I.
A man may have no bad habits and have worse.
- Pudd'nhead Wilson's New Calendar.
The starting point of this lecturing-trip around the world was Paris,
where we had been living a year or two.
We sailed for America, and there made certain preparations. This took
but little time. Two members of my family elected to go with me. Also a
carbuncle. The dictionary says a carbuncle is a kind of jewel. Humor is
out of place in a dictionary.
We started westward from New York in midsummer, with Major Pond to manage
the platform-business as far as the Pacific. It was warm work, all the
way, and the last fortnight of it was suffocatingly smoky, for in Oregon
and Columbia the forest fires were raging. We had an added week of smoke
at the seaboard, where we were obliged awhile for our ship. She had been
getting herself ashore in the smoke, and she had to be docked and
repaired.
We sailed at last; and so ended a snail-paced march across the continent,
which had lasted forty days.
We moved westward about mid-afternoon over a rippled and summer sea; an
enticing sea, a clean and cool sea, and apparently a welcome sea to all
on board; it certainly was to the distressful dustings and smokings and
swelterings of the past weeks. The voyage would furnish a three-weeks
holiday, with hardly a break in it. We had the whole Pacific Ocean in
front of us, with nothing to do but do nothing and be comfortable. The
city of Victoria was twinkling dim in the deep heart of her smoke-cloud,
and getting ready to vanish and now we closed the field-glasses and sat
down on our steamer chairs contented and at peace. But they went to
wreck and ruin under us and brought us to shame before all the
passengers. They had been furnished by the largest furniture-dealing
house in Victoria, and were worth a couple of farthings a dozen, though
they had cost us the price of honest chairs. In the Pacific and Indian
Oceans one must still bring his own deck-chair on board or go without,
just as in the old forgotten Atlantic times - those Dark Ages of sea
travel.
Ours was a reasonably comfortable ship, with the customary sea-going fare
- plenty of good food furnished by the Deity and cooked by the devil.
The discipline observable on board was perhaps as good as it is anywhere
in the Pacific and Indian Oceans. The ship was not very well arranged
for tropical service; but that is nothing, for this is the rule for ships
which ply in the tropics. She had an over-supply of cockroaches, but
this is also the rule with ships doing business in the summer seas - at
least such as have been long in service. Our young captain was a very
handsome man, tall and perfectly formed, the very figure to show up a
smart uniform's best effects. He was a man of the best intentions and
was polite and courteous even to courtliness. There was a soft and
finish about his manners which made whatever place he happened to be in
seem for the moment a drawing room. He avoided the smoking room. He had
no vices. He did not smoke or chew tobacco or take snuff; he did not
swear, or use slang or rude, or coarse, or indelicate language, or make
puns, or tell anecdotes, or laugh intemperately, or raise his voice above
the moderate pitch enjoined by the canons of good form. When he gave an
order, his manner modified it into a request. After dinner he and his
officers joined the ladies and gentlemen in the ladies' saloon, and
shared in the singing and piano playing, and helped turn the music. He
had a sweet and sympathetic tenor voice, and used it with taste and
effect the music he played whist there, always with the same partner and
opponents, until the ladies' bedtime. The electric lights burned there
as late as the ladies and their friends might desire; but they were not
allowed to burn in the smoking-room after eleven. There were many laws
on the ship's statute book of course; but so far as I could see, this and
one other were the only ones that were rigidly enforced. The captain
explained that he enforced this one because his own cabin adjoined the
smoking-room, and the smell of tobacco smoke made him sick. I did not
see how our smoke could reach him, for the smoking-room and his cabin
were on the upper deck, targets for all the winds that blew; and besides
there was no crack of communication between them, no opening of any sort
in the solid intervening bulkhead. Still, to a delicate stomach even
imaginary smoke can convey damage.
The captain, with his gentle nature, his polish, his sweetness, his moral
and verbal purity, seemed pathetically out of place in his rude and
autocratic vocation. It seemed another instance of the irony of fate.
He was going home under a cloud. The passengers knew about his trouble,
and were sorry for him. Approaching Vancouver through a narrow and
difficult passage densely befogged with smoke from the forest fires, he
had had the ill-luck to lose his bearings and get his ship on the rocks.
A matter like this would rank merely as an error with you and me; it
ranks as a crime with the directors of steamship companies. The captain
had been tried by the Admiralty Court at Vancouver, and its verdict had
acquitted him of blame. But that was insufficient comfort. A sterner
court would examine the case in Sydney - the Court of Directors, the lords
of a company in whose ships the captain had served as mate a number of
years. This was his first voyage as captain.
The officers of our ship were hearty and companionable young men, and
they entered into the general amusements and helped the passengers pass
the time. Voyages in the Pacific and Indian Oceans are but pleasure
excursions for all hands. Our purser was a young Scotchman who was
equipped with a grit that was remarkable. He was an invalid, and looked
it, as far as his body was concerned, but illness could not subdue his
spirit. He was full of life, and had a gay and capable tongue. To all
appearances he was a sick man without being aware of it, for he did not
talk about his ailments, and his bearing and conduct were those of a
person in robust health; yet he was the prey, at intervals, of ghastly
sieges of pain in his heart. These lasted many hours, and while the
attack continued he could neither sit nor lie. In one instance he stood
on his feet twenty-four hours fighting for his life with these sharp
agonies, and yet was as full of life and cheer and activity
the next day as if nothing had happened.
The brightest passenger in the ship, and the most interesting and
felicitous talker, was a young Canadian who was not able to let the
whisky bottle alone. He was of a rich and powerful family, and could have
had a distinguished career and abundance of effective help toward it if
he could have conquered his appetite for drink; but he could not do it,
so his great equipment of talent was of no use to him. He had often taken
the pledge to drink no more, and was a good sample of what that sort of
unwisdom can do for a man - for a man with anything short of an iron will.
The system is wrong in two ways: it does not strike at the root of the
trouble, for one thing, and to make a pledge of any kind is to declare
war against nature; for a pledge is a chain that is always clanking and
reminding the wearer of it that he is not a free man.
I have said that the system does not strike at the root of the trouble,
and I venture to repeat that. The root is not the drinking, but the
desire to drink. These are very different things. The one merely
requires will - and a great deal of it, both as to bulk and staying
capacity - the other merely requires watchfulness - and for no long time.
The desire of course precedes the act, and should have one's first
attention; it can do but little good to refuse the act over and over
again, always leaving the desire unmolested, unconquered; the desire will
continue to assert itself, and will be almost sure to win in the long
run. When the desire intrudes, it should be at once banished out of the
mind. One should be on the watch for it all the time - otherwise it will
get in. It must be taken in time and not allowed to get a lodgment. A
desire constantly repulsed for a fortnight should die, then. That should
cure the drinking habit. The system of refusing the mere act of
drinking, and leaving the desire in full force, is unintelligent war
tactics, it seems to me. I used to take pledges - and soon violate them.
My will was not strong, and I could not help it. And then, to be tied in
any way naturally irks an otherwise free person and makes him chafe in
his bonds and want to get his liberty. But when I finally ceased from
taking definite pledges, and merely resolved that I would kill an
injurious desire, but leave myself free to resume the desire and the
habit whenever I should choose to do so, I had no more trouble. In five
days I drove out the desire to smoke and was not obliged to keep watch
after that; and I never experienced any strong desire to smoke again. At
the end of a year and a quarter of idleness I began to write a book, and
presently found that the pen was strangely reluctant to go. I tried a
smoke to see if that would help me out of the difficulty. It did. I
smoked eight or ten cigars and as many pipes a day for five months;
finished the book, and did not smoke again until a year had gone by and
another book had to be begun.
I can quit any of my nineteen injurious habits at any time, and without
discomfort or inconvenience. I think that the Dr. Tanners and those
others who go forty days without eating do it by resolutely keeping out
the desire to eat, in the beginning, and that after a few hours the
desire is discouraged and comes no more.
Once I tried my scheme in a large medical way. I had been confined to my
bed several days with lumbago. My case refused to improve. Finally the
doctor said, -
"My remedies have no fair chance. Consider what they have to fight,
besides the lumbago. You smoke extravagantly, don't you?"
"Yes."
"You take coffee immoderately?"
"Yes."
"And some tea?"
"Yes."
"You eat all kinds of things that are dissatisfied with each other's
company?"
"Yes."
"You drink two hot Scotches every night?"
"Yes."
"Very well, there you see what I have to contend against. We can't make
progress the way the matter stands. You must make a reduction in these
things; you must cut down your consumption of them considerably for some
days."
"I can't, doctor."
"Why can't you."
"I lack the will-power. I can cut them off entirely, but I can't merely
moderate them."
He said that that would answer, and said he would come around in
twenty-four hours and begin work again. He was taken ill himself and
could not come; but I did not need him. I cut off all those things for
two days and nights; in fact, I cut off all kinds of food, too, and all
drinks except water, and at the end of the forty-eight hours the lumbago
was discouraged and left me. I was a well man; so I gave thanks and took
to those delicacies again.
It seemed a valuable medical course, and I recommended it to a lady. She
had run down and down and down, and had at last reached a point where
medicines no longer had any helpful effect upon her. I said I knew I
could put her upon her feet in a week. It brightened her up, it filled
her with hope, and she said she would do everything I told her to do. So
I said she must stop swearing and drinking, and smoking and eating for
four days, and then she would be all right again. And it would have
happened just so, I know it; but she said she could not stop swearing,
and smoking, and drinking, because she had never done those things. So
there it was. She had neglected her habits, and hadn't any. Now that
they would have come good, there were none in stock. She had nothing to
fall back on. She was a sinking vessel, with no freight in her to throw
over lighten ship withal. Why, even one or two little bad habits could
have saved her, but she was just a moral pauper. When she could have
acquired them she was dissuaded by her parents, who were ignorant people
though reared in the best society, and it was too late to begin now. It
seemed such a pity; but there was no help for it. These things ought to
be attended to while a person is young; otherwise, when age and disease
come, there is nothing effectual to fight them with.
When I was a youth I used to take all kinds of pledges, and do my best to
keep them, but I never could, because I didn't strike at the root of the
habit - the desire; I generally broke down within the month. Once I tried
limiting a habit. That worked tolerably well for a while. I pledged
myself to smoke but one cigar a day. I kept the cigar waiting until
bedtime, then I had a luxurious time with it. But desire persecuted me
every day and all day long; so, within the week I found myself hunting
for larger cigars than I had been used to smoke; then larger ones still,
and still larger ones. Within the fortnight I was getting cigars made
for me - on a yet larger pattern. They still grew and grew in size.
Within the month my cigar had grown to such proportions that I could have
used it as a crutch. It now seemed to me that a one-cigar limit was no
real protection to a person, so I knocked my pledge on the head and
resumed my liberty.
To go back to that young Canadian. He was a "remittance man," the first
one I had ever seen or heard of. Passengers explained the term to me.
They said that dissipated ne'er-do-wells belonging to important families
in England and Canada were not cast off by their people while there was
any hope of reforming them, but when that last hope perished at last, the
ne'er-do-well was sent abroad to get him out of the way. He was shipped
off with just enough money in his pocket - no, in the purser's pocket - for
the needs of the voyage - and when he reached his destined port he would
find a remittance awaiting him there. Not a large one, but just enough
to keep him a month. A similar remittance would come monthly thereafter.
It was the remittance-man's custom to pay his month's board and lodging
straightway - a duty which his landlord did not allow him to forget - then
spree away the rest of his money in a single night, then brood and mope
and grieve in idleness till the next remittance came. It is a pathetic
life.
We had other remittance-men on board, it was said. At least they said
they were R. M.'s. There were two. But they did not resemble the
Canadian; they lacked his tidiness, and his brains, and his gentlemanly
ways, and his resolute spirit, and his humanities and generosities. One
of them was a lad of nineteen or twenty, and he was a good deal of a
ruin, as to clothes, and morals, and general aspect. He said he was a
scion of a ducal house in England, and had been shipped to Canada for the
house's relief, that he had fallen into trouble there, and was now being
shipped to Australia. He said he had no title. Beyond this remark he
was economical of the truth. The first thing he did in Australia was to
get into the lockup, and the next thing he did was to proclaim himself an
earl in the police court in the morning and fail to prove it.
CHAPTER II.
When in doubt, tell the truth.
- Pudd'nhead Wilson's New Calendar.
About four days out from Victoria we plunged into hot weather, and all
the male passengers put on white linen clothes. One or two days later we
crossed the 25th parallel of north latitude, and then, by order, the
officers of the ship laid away their blue uniforms and came out in white
linen ones. All the ladies were in white by this time. This prevalence
of snowy costumes gave the promenade deck an invitingly cool, and
cheerful and picnicky aspect.
From my diary:
There are several sorts of ills in the world from which a person can
never escape altogether, let him journey as far as he will. One escapes
from one breed of an ill only to encounter another breed of it. We have
come far from the snake liar and the fish liar, and there was rest and
peace in the thought; but now we have reached the realm of the boomerang
liar, and sorrow is with us once more. The first officer has seen a man
try to escape from his enemy by getting behind a tree; but the enemy sent
his boomerang sailing into the sky far above and beyond the tree; then it
turned, descended, and killed the man. The Australian passenger has seen
this thing done to two men, behind two trees - and by the one arrow. This
being received with a large silence that suggested doubt, he buttressed
it with the statement that his brother once saw the boomerang kill a bird
away off a hundred yards and bring it to the thrower. But these are ills
which must be borne. There is no other way.
The talk passed from the boomerang to dreams - usually a fruitful subject,