ground and the bull was charging his swarm of pests
again. Then came pealing through the air a bugle-
call that froze my blood "It is I, Soldier come!"
I turned; Cathy was flying down through the massed
217
MARK TWAIN
people; she cleared the parapet at a bound, and sped
towards that riderless horse, who staggered forward
towards the remembered sound; but his strength
failed, and he fell at her feet, she lavishing kisses
upon him and sobbing, the house rising with one
impulse, and white with horror! Before help could
reach her the bull was back again
She was never conscious again in life. We bore
her home, all mangled and drenched in blood, and
knelt by her and listened to her broken and wander
ing words, and prayed for her passing spirit, and there
was no comfort nor ever will be, I think. But she
was happy, for she was far away under another sky,
and comrading again with her Rangers, and her
animal friends, and the soldiers. Their names fell
softly and caressingly from her lips, one by one, with
pauses between. She was not in pain, but lay with
closed eyes, vacantly murmuring, as one who dreams.
Sometimes she smiled, saying nothing; sometimes
she smiled when she uttered a name such as Shekels,
or BB, or Potter. Sometimes she was at her fort,
issuing commands; sometimes she was careering over
the plains at the head of her men; sometimes she
was training her horse; once she said, reprovingly,
"You are giving me the wrong foot; give me the
left don't you know it is good-by?"
After this, she lay silent some time; the end was
near. By and by she murmured, "Tired . . . sleepy
. . . take Cathy, mamma." Then, "Kiss me,
Soldier." For a little time she lay so still that
we were doubtful if she breathed. Then she put
out her hand and began to feel gropingly about;
218
A HORSE'S TALE
then said, "I cannot find it; blow 'taps.'"* It
was the end.
TAPS
"Lights out."
EXTRACT FROM
CAPTAIN STORMFIELD'S
VISIT TO HEAVEN
EXTRACT FROM
CAPTAIN STORMFIELD'S
VISIT TO HEAVEN*
CHAPTER I
WELL, when I had been dead about thirty years,
I begun to get a little anxious. Mind you, I
had been whizzing through space all that time, like
a comet. Like a comet ! Why, Peters, I laid over the
lot of them! Of course there warn't any of them
going my way, as a steady thing, you know, because
they travel in a long circle like the loop of a lasso,
whereas I was pointed as straight as a dart for the
Hereafter; but I happened on one every now and
then that was going my way for an hour or so, and
then we had a bit of a brush together. But it was
generally pretty one-sided, because I sailed by them
the same as if they were standing still. An ordinary
comet don't make more than about 200,000 miles
a minute. Of course when I came across one of that
sort like Encke's and Halley's comets, for instance
it warn't anything but just a flash and a vanish,
you see. You couldn't rightly call it a race. It was
as if the comet was a gravel-train and I was a tele
graph despatch. But after I got outside of our
* Copyright. 1909, by Harper & Brothers.
223
MARK TWAIN
astronomical system, I used to flush a comet occasion
ally that was something like. We haven't got any
such comets ours don't begin. One night I was
swinging along at a good round gait, everything
taut and trim, and the wind in my favor I judged
I was going about a million miles a minute it might
have been more, it couldn't have been less when I
flushed a most uncommonly big one about three
points off my starboard bow. By his stern lights I
judged he was bearing about northeast-and-by-north-
half-east. Well, it was so near my course that I
wouldn't throw away the chance; so I fell off a
point, steadied my helm, and went for him. You
should have heard me whiz, and seen the electric
fur fly ! In about a minute and a half I was fringed
out with an electrical nimbus that flamed around
for miles and miles and lit up all space like broad
day. The comet was burning blue in the distance,
like a sickly torch, when I first sighted him, but he
begun to grow bigger and bigger as I crept up on
him. I slipped up on him so fast that when I had
gone about 150,000,000 miles I was close enough to
be swallowed up in the phosphorescent glo^y of his
wake, and I couldn't see anything for the glare.
Thinks I, it won't do to run into him, so I shunted
to one side and tore along. By and by I closed up
abreast of his tail. Do you know what it was like?
It was like a gnat closing up on the continent of
America. I forged along. By and by I had sailed
along his coast for a little upwards of a hundred and
fifty million miles, and then I could see by the shape
of him that I hadn't even got up to his waistband
CAPTAIN STORMFIELD'S VISIT TO HEAVEN
yet. Why, Peters, we don't know anything about
comets, down here. If you want to see comets that
are comets, you've got to go outside of our solar
system where there's room for them, you under
stand. My friend, I've seen comets out there that
couldn't even lay down inside the orbits of our
noblest comets without their tails hanging over.
Well, I boomed along another hundred and fifty
million miles, and got up abreast his shoulder, as
you may say. I was feeling pretty fine, I tell you;
but just then I noticed the officer of the deck come
to the side and hoist his glass in my direction.
Straight off I heard him sing out
"Below there, ahoy! Shake her up, shake her
up! Heave on a hundred million billion tons of
brimstone!"
"Ay ay, sir!"
"Pipe the stabboard watch! All hands on deck!"
"Ay ay, sir!"
"Send two hundred thousand million men aloft
to shake out royals and sky-scrapers!"
"Ay ay, sir!"
"Hand the stuns'ls! Hang out every rag you've
got! Clothe her from stem to rudder-post!"
"Ay ay, sir!"
In about a second I begun to see I'd woke up a
pretty ugly customer, Peters. In less than ten
seconds that comet was just a blazing cloud of red-
hot canvas. It was piled up into the heavens clean
out of sight the old thing seemed to swell out and
occupy all space; the sulphur smoke from the fur
naces oh, well, nobody can describe the way it
225
MARK TWAIN
rolled and tumbled up into the skies, and nobody
can half describe the way it smelt. Neither can
anybody begin to describe the way that monstrous
craft begun to crash along. And such another
powwow thousands of bo's'n's whistles screaming
at once, and a crew like the populations of a hundred
thousand worlds like ours all swearing at once.
Well, I never heard the like of it before.
We roared and thundered along side by side, both
doing our level best, because I'd never struck a
comet before that could lay over me, and so I was
bound to beat this one or break something. I judged
I had some reputation in space, and I calculated to
keep it. I noticed I wasn't gaining as fast, now,
as I was before, but still I was gaining. There was
a power of excitement on board the comet. Upwards
of a hundred billion passengers swarmed up from
below and rushed to the side and begun to bet on
the race. Of course this careened her and damaged
her speed. My, but wasn't the mate mad! He
jumped at that crowd, with his trumpet in his hand,
and sung out
"Amidships! amidships, you !* or I'll brain
the last idiot of you!"
Well, sir, I gained and gained, little by little, till
at last I went skimming sweetly by the magnificent
old conflagration's nose. By this time the captain
of the comet had been rousted out, and he stood
there in the red glare for'ard, by the mate, in his
shirtsleeves and slippers, his hair all rats' nests
* The captain could not remember what this word was. He said
it was in a foreign tongue.
226
CAPTAIN STORMFIELD'S VISIT TO HEAVEN
and one suspender hanging, and how sick those two
men did look! I just simply couldn't help putting
my thumb to my nose as I glided away and singing
out:
"Ta-ta! ta-ta! Any word to send to your family?"
Peters, it was a mistake. Yes, sir, I've often
regretted that it was a mistake. You see, the
captain had given up the race, but that remark
was too tedious for him he couldn't stand it. He
turned to the mate, and says he
"Have we got brimstone enough of our own to
make the trip?"
"Yes, sir."
"Sure?"
"Yes, sir more than enough."
"How much have we got in cargo for Satan?"
"Eighteen hundred thousand billion quintillions
of kazarks."
"Very well, then, let his boarders freeze till the
next comet comes. Lighten ship! Lively, now,
lively, men! Heave the whole cargo overboard!"
Peters, look me in the eye, and be calm. I found
out, over there, that a kazark is exactly the bulk
of a hundred and sixty-nine worlds like ours! They
hove all that load overboard. When it fell it wiped
out a considerable raft of stars just as clean as if
they'd been candles and somebody blowed them out.
As for the race, that was at an end. The minute
she was lightened the comet swung along by me the
same as if I was anchored. The captain stood on
the stern, by the after-davits, and put his thumb to
his nose and sung out
227
MARK TWAIN
"Ta-tal ta-ta! Maybe you've got some message
to send your friends in the Everlasting Tropics!"
Then he hove up his other suspender and started
for'ard, and inside of three-quarters of an hour his
craft was only a pale torch again in the distance.
Yes, it was a mistake, Peters that remark of mine.
I don't reckon I'll ever get over being sorry about it.
I'd 'a' beat the bully of the firmament if I'd kept
my mouth shut.
But I've wandered a little off the track of my tale;
I'll get back on my course again. Now you see
what kind of speed I was making. So, as I said,
when I had been tearing along this way about thirty
years I begun to get uneasy. Oh, it was pleasant
enough, with a good deal to find out, but then it was
kind of lonesome, you know. Besides, I wanted to
get somewhere. I hadn't shipped with the idea of
cruising forever. First off, I liked the delay, because
I judged I was going to fetch up in pretty warm
quarters when I got through; but towards the last
I begun to feel that I'd rather go to well, most
any place, so as to finish up the uncertainty.
Well, one night it was always night, except when
I was rushing by some star that was occupying the
whole universe with its fire and its glare light
enough then, of course, but I necessarily left it behind
in a minute or two and plunged into a solid week of
darkness again. The stars ain't so close together as
they look to be. Where was I? Oh yes; one night
I was sailing along, when I discovered a tremendous
long row of blinking lights away on the horizon ahead.
228
CAPTAIN STORMFIELD'S VISIT TO HEAVEN
As I approached, they begun to tower and swell and
look like mighty furnaces. Says I to myself
"By George, I've arrived at last and at the wrong
place, just as I expected!"
Then I fainted. I don't know how long I was
insensible, but it must have been a good while, for,
when I came to, the darkness was all gone and there
was the loveliest sunshine and the balmiest, fra-
grantest air in its place. And there was such a mar
velous world spread out before me such a glowing,
beautiful, bewitching country. The things I took
for furnaces were gates, miles high, made all of flash
ing jewels, and they pierced a wall of solid gold that
you couldn't see the top of, nor yet the end of, in
either direction. I was pointed straight for one of
these gates, and a-coming like a house afire. Now
I noticed that the skies were black with millions of
people, pointed for those gates. What a roar they
made, rushing through the air! The ground was as
thick as ants with people, too billions of them,
I judge.
I lit. I drifted up to a gate with a swarm of people,
and when it was my turn the head clerk says, in a
businesslike way
' ' Well, quick ! Where are you from ?"
"San Francisco," says I.
"San Fran what?" says he.
"San Francisco."
He scratched his head and looked puzzled, then
he says
"Is it a planet?"
By George, Peters, think of it! "Planet?" says
229
MARK TWAIN
I; "it's a city. And moreover, it's one of the
biggest and finest and "
" There, there!" says he, "no time here for con
versation. We don't deal in cities here. Where are
you from in a general way?"
"Oh," I says, "I beg your pardon. Put me down
for California."
I had him again, Peters! He puzzled a second,
then he says, sharp and irritable
"I don't know any such planet is it a constella
tion?"
"Oh, my goodness!" says I. "Constellation, says
you ? No it's a State. ' '
"Man, we don't deal in States here. Will you tell
me where you are from in general at large, don't
you understand?"
"Oh, now I get your idea," I says. "I'm from
America, the United States of America."
Peters, do you know I had him again? If I hadn't
I'm a clam! His face was as blank as a target after
a militia shooting-match. He turned to an under
clerk and says
' ' Where is America ? What is America ?"
The under clerk answered up prompt and says
"There ain't any such orb."
"Orb?" says I. "Why, what are you talking
about, young man? It ain't an orb; it's a country;
it's a continent. Columbus discovered it; I reckon
likely you've heard of him, anyway. America
why, sir, America "
"Silence!" says the head clerk. "Once for all,
where are you from?"
230
CAPTAIN STORMFIELD'S VISIT TO HEAVEN
"Well," says I, "I don't know anything more to
say unless I lump things, and just say I'm from
the world."
"Ah, "says he, brightening up, "now that's some
thing like! What world?"
Peters, he had me, that time. I looked at him,
puzzled, he looked at me, worried. Then he burst
out
"Come, come, what world?"
Says I, "Why, the world, of course."
"The world!" he says. "H'm! there's billions of
them! . . . Next!"
That meant for me to stand aside. I done so, and
a sky-blue man with seven heads and only one leg
hopped into my place. I took a walk. It just
occurred to me, then, that all the myriads I had
seen swarming to that gate, up to this time, were
just like that creature. I tried to run across some
body I was acquainted with, but they were out of
acquaintances of mine just then. So I thought
the thing all over and finally sidled back there
pretty meek and feeling rather stumped, as you may
say.
"Well?" said the head clerk.
"Well, sir," I says, pretty humble, "I don't seem
to make out which world it is I'm from. But you
may know it from this it's the one the Saviour
saved."
He bent his head at the Name. Then he says,
gently
"The worlds He has saved are like to the gates of
heaven in number none can count them. What
231
MARK TWAIN
astronomical system is your world in? perhaps that
may assist."
"It's the one that has the sun in it and the moon
and Mars" he shook his head at each name
hadn't ever heard of them, you see "and Neptune
and Uranus and Jupiter "
"Hold on!" says he "hold on a minute! Jupiter
... Jupiter . . . Seems to me we had a man from
there eight or nine hundred years ago but people
from that system very seldom enter by this gate."
All of a sudden he begun to look me so straight in the
eye that I thought he was going to bore through me.
Then he says, very deliberate, "Did you come
straight here from your system?"
"Yes, sir," I says but I blushed the least little
bit in the world when I said it.
He looked at me very stern, and says
"That is not true; and this is not the place for
prevarication. You wandered from your course.
How did that happen?"
Says I, blushing again
"I'm sorry, and I take back what I said, and
confess. I raced a little with a comet one day only
just the least little bit only the tiniest lit "
"So so," says he and without any sugar in
his voice to speak of.
I went on, and says
"But I only fell off just a bare point, and I went
right back on my course again the minute the race
was over."
"No matter that divergence has made all this
trouble. It has brought you to a gate that is billions
232
CAPTAIN STORMFIELD'S VISIT TO HEAVEN
of leagues from the right one. If you had gone to
your own gate they would have known all about
your world at once and there would have been no
delay. But we will try to accommodate you." He
turned to an under clerk and says
"What system is Jupiter in?"
*'I don't remember, sir, but I think there is such
a planet in one of the little new systems away out
in one of the thinly worlded corners of the universe.
I will see."
He got a balloon and sailed up and up and up, in
front of a map that was as big as Rhode Island. He
went on up till he was out of sight, and by and by
he came down and got something to eat and went
up again. To cut a long story short, he kept on
doing this for a day or two, and finally he came down
and said he thought he had found that solar system,
but it might be fly-specks. So he got a microscope
and went back. It turned out better than he feared.
He had rousted out our system, sure enough. He
got me to describe our planet and its distance from
the sun, and then he says to his chief
"Oh, I know the one he means, now, sir. It is on
the map. It is called the Wart."
"Says I to myself, "Young man, it wouldn't be
wholesome for you to go down there and call it the
Wart."
Well, they let me in, then, and told me I was safe
forever and wouldn't have any more trouble.
Then they turned from me and went on with their
work, the same as if they considered my case all
complete and shipshape. I was a good deal surprised
233
MARK TWAIN
at this, but I was diffident about speaking up an
reminding them. I did so hate to do it, you kno\
it seemed a pity to bother them, they had so muc
on their hands. Twice I thought I would give u
and let the thing go; so twice I started to leave, bu
immediately I thought what a figure I should cu
stepping out amongst the redeemed in such a rij
and that made me hang back and come to anchc
again. People got to eying me clerks, you know-
wondering why I didn't get under way. I couldn'
stand this long it was too uncomfortable. So a
last I plucked up courage and tipped the head cler
a signal. He says
' ' What ! you here yet ? What's wanting ?"
Says I, in a low voice and very confidential, makin
a trumpet with my hands at his ear
"I beg pardon, and you mustn't mind my reminc
ing you, and seeming to meddle, but hain't you foi
got something?"
He studied a second, and says
"Forgot something? . . . No, not that I know of .
"Think," says I.
He thought. Then he says
"No, I can't seem to have forgot anything. Wha
is it?"
"Look at me," says I, "look me all over."
He done it.
"Well?" says he.
"Well," says I, "you don't notice anything? ]
I branched out amongst the elect looking like thi
wouldn't I attract considerable attention? wouldn'
I be a little conspicuous?"
234
CAPTAIN STORMFIELD'S VISIT TO HEAVEN
"Well," he says, "I don't see anything the mat
ter. What do you lack?"
"Lack! Why, I lack my harp, and my wreath,
and my halo, and my hymn-book, and my palm
branch I lack everything that a body naturally
requires up here, my friend."
Puzzled? Peters, he was the worst puzzled man
you ever saw. Finally he says
"Well, you seem to be a curiosity every way a
body takes you. I never heard of these things before. ' '
I looked at the man awhile in solid astonishment;
then I says
"Now, I hope you don't take it as an offence, for
I don't mean any, but really, for a man that has been
in the Kingdom as long as I reckon you have, you
do seem to know powerful little about its customs."
"Its customs !" says he. "Heaven is a large place,
good friend. Large empires have many and diverse
customs. Even small dominions have, as you doubt
less know by what you have seen of the matter on a
small scale in the Wart. How can you imagine I
could ever learn the varied customs of the countless
kingdoms of heaven? It makes my head ache to
think of it. I know the customs that prevail in
those portions inhabited by peoples that are ap
pointed to enter by my own gate and hark ye,
that is quite enough knowledge for one individual
to try to pack into his head in the thirty-seven
millions of years I have devoted night and day to
that study. But the idea of learning the customs of
the whole appalling expanse of heaven O man, how
insanely you talk! Now I don't doubt that this
235
MARK TWAIN
odd costume you talk about is the fashion in thz
district of heaven you belong to, but you won't t
conspicuous in this section without it."
I felt all right, if that was the case, so I bac
him good-day and left. All day I walked towarc
the far end of a prodigious hall of the office, hopin
to come out into heaven any moment, but it was
mistake. That hall was built on the general heaven]
plan it naturally couldn't be small. At last I g<
so tired I couldn't go any farther; so I sat dow
to rest, and begun to tackle the queerest sort <
strangers and ask for information, but I didn't g(
any; they couldn't understand my language, and
could not understand theirs. I got dreadfully lon<
some. I was so downhearted and homesick I wishe
a hundred times I never had died. I turned bac]
of course. About noon next day, I got back at la:
and was on hand at the booking-office once mor
Says I to the head clerk
"I begin to see that a man's got to be in his ovs
heaven to be happy."
" Perfectly correct," says he. "Did you imagii
the same heaven would suit all sorts of men?"
"Well, I had that idea but I see the foolishne:
of it. Which way am I to go to get to my district i
He called the under clerk that had examined tt
map, and he gave me general directions. I thanke
him and started; but he says
"Wait a minute; it is millions of leagues from her
Go outside and stand on that red wishing-carpe
shut your eyes, hold your breath, and wish yourse
there."
236
CAPTAIN STORMFIELD'S VISIT TO HEAVEN
"I'm much obliged," says I; "why didn't you
dart me through when I first arrived?"
"We have a good deal to think of here; it was
your place to think of it and ask for it. Good-by;
we probably sha'n't see you in this region for a
thousand centuries or so."
"In that case, o revoor," says I.
I hopped onto the carpet and held my breath and
shut my eyes and wished I was in the booking-office
of my own section. The very next instant a voice I
knew sung out in a business kind of a way
"A harp and a hymn-book, pair of wings and a halo,
size 13, for Cap'n Eli Stormfield, of San Francisco!
make him out a clean bill of health, and let him in."
I opened my eyes. Sure enough, it was a Pi Ute
Injun I used to know in Tulare County; mighty good
fellow I remembered being at his funeral, which
consisted of him being burnt and the other Injuns
gauming their faces with his ashes and howling like
wild-cats. He was powerful glad to see me, and you
may make up your mind I was just as glad to see him,
and felt that I was in the right kind of a heaven at last.
Just as far as your eye could reach, there was
swarms of clerks, running and bustling around,
tricking out thousands of Yanks and Mexicans and
English and Arabs, and all sorts of people in their
new outfits ; and when they gave me my kit and I
put on my halo and I took a look in the glass, I could
have jumped over a house for joy, I was so happy.
"Now this is something like!" says I. "Now,"
says I, "I'm all right show me a cloud."
Inside of fifteen minutes I was a mile on my way
237
MARK TWAIN
towards the cloud-banks and about a million peop]
along with me. Most of us tried to fly, but som
got crippled and nobody made a success of it. So w
concluded to walk, for the present, till we had ha
some wing practice.
We begun to meet swarms of folks who were con
ing back. Some had harps and nothing else; som
had hymn-books and nothing else; some had nothin
at all; all of them looked meek and uncomfortable
one young fellow hadn't anything left but his hale
and he was carrying that in his hand ; all of a sudde
he offered it to me and says
"Will you hold it for me a minute?"
Then he disappeared in the crowd. I went 01
A woman asked me to hold her palm branch, an
then she disappeared. A girl got me to hold he
harp for her, and by George, she disappeared; an
so on and so on, till I was about loaded down to th
guards. Then comes a smiling old gentleman an
asked me to hold his things. I swabbed off th
perspiration and says, pretty tart
"I'll have to get you to excuse me, my friend,
ain't no hat-rack."
About this time I begun to run across piles c
those traps, lying in the road. I just quietly dumpe
my extra cargo along with them. I looked arounc
and, Peters, that whole nation that was following m