exaggerated terrors, and before the invaluable experience of
actual collision in the field had turned them from rabbits into
soldiers. If this side of the picture of that early day has not
before been put into history, then history has been to that
degree incomplete, for it had and has its rightful place there.
There was more Bull Run material scattered through the
early camps of this country than exhibited itself at Bull Run.
And yet it learned its trade presently, and helped to fight the
great battles later. I could have become a soldier myself, if
I had waited. I had got part of it learned ; I knew more
about retreating than the man that invented retreating.
MEISTERSCHAFT 373
MEISTERSCHAFT
IN THREE ACTS 1
DRAMATIS PERSONS:
MR. STEPHEN-SOX. MARGARET STEPHEN-SON.
GEORGE FRANKLIN. ANNIE STEPHEN-SON.
WILLIAM JACKSON. MRS. BLUMANTHAL, the Wirthin.
GRETCHEN, Kcllnerin.
ACT I. SCENE i.
Scene of the play ^ the parlour of a small private dwelling in a
village. (MARGARET discovered crocheting has a pamphlet.}
MARGARET. (Solus.} Dear, dear ! it s dreary enough,
to have to study this impossible German tongue : to be
exiled from home and all human society except a body s
sister in order to do it, is just simply abscheulich. Here s
only three weeks of the three months gone, and it seems
like three years. I don t believe I can live through it, and
I m sure Annie can t. (Refers to her book, and rattles
through, several times, like one memorising :) Entschuldigen
1 [EXPLANATORY. I regard the idea of this play as a valuable inven
tion. I call it the Patent Universally-Applicable Automatically-Adjust
able Language Drama. This indicates that it is adjustable to any tongue,
and performable in any tongue. The English portions of the play are to
remain just as they are, permanently ; bat you change the foreign
portions to any language you please, at will. Do you see ? You at once
374 MEISTERSCHAFT
Sie, mein Herr, konnen Sie mir vielleicht sagen, um wie
viel Uhr der erste Zug nach Dresden abgeht ? (Makes
mistakes and corrects them.} I just hate Meisterschaft !
We may see people ; we can have society ; yes, on con
dition that the conversation shall be in German, and in
German only every single word of it ! Very kind oh,
very ! when neither Annie nor I can put two words
together, except as they are put together for us in Meister
schaft or that idiotic Ollendorff ! (Refers to book, and
have the same old play in a new tongue. And you can keep on changing
it from anguage to language, until your private theatrical pupils have
become glib and at home in the speech of all nations. Zum Beispiel,
suppose we wish to adjust the play to the French tongue. First, we give
Mrs. Blumenthal and Gretchen French names. Next, we knock the
German Meisterschaft sentences out of the first scene, and replace
them with sentences from the French Meisterschaft like this, for
instance : Je voudrais faire des emplettes ce matin ; voulez-vous avoir
1 obligeance cle venir avec moi chez le tailleur fran9ais ? And so
on. Wherever you find German, replace it with French, leaving the
English parts undisturbad. When you come to the long conversation in
the second act, turn to any pamphlet of your French Meisterschaft,
and shovel in as much French talk on any subject as will fill up the
gaps left by the expunged German. Example page 423, French
Meisterschaft :
On dirait qu il va faire chaud.
J ai chaud.
J ai extremement chaud.
Ah ! qu il fait chaud !
II fait une chaleur etouffante !
L air est brdlant.
Je meurs cle chaleur.
II est presque impossible de supporter la chaleur.
Cela vous fait transpirer.
Mettons-nous a 1 ombre.
II fait du vent.
II fait un vent froid.
II fait un tres agre"able pour se promener aujourd hui.
And so on, all the way through. It is very easy to adjust the play to
any desired language. Anybody can do it.
MEISTERSCHAFT 375
memorises : Mem Bruder hat Ihren Herrn Vater nicht
gesehen, ah er gcstern in dem Laden des deutschen Kauf-
manncs war.] Yes, we can have society, provided we talk
German. What would such a conversation be like ! If
you should stick to Meisterschaft, it would change the
subject every two minutes ; and if you stuck to Ollendorff,
it would be all about your sister s mother s good stocking
of thread, or your grandfather s aunt s good hammer of the
carpenter, and who s got it, and there an end. You
couldn t keep up your interest in such topics. (Memoris
ing : Wenn irgend moglich mochte ich noch heute Vormittag
dort ankommen, da es mir sehr daran gelegen isf y einen meiner
Geschliftsfrcunde zu treffcn. ] My mind is made up to one
thing : I will be an exile, in spirit and in truth : I will see
no one during these three months. Father is very ingeni
ous oh, very ! thinks he is, anyway. Thinks he has
invented a way to force us to learn to speak German. He
is a dear good soul, and all that ; but invention isn t his
fach . He will see. (With eloquent energy.] Why,
nothing in the world shall Bit e, konnen Sie mir vielleicht
sagen, ob Herr Schmidt mit diesem Zuge angekommen
ist ? Oh, dear, dear George three weeks ! It seems a
whole century since I saw him. I wonder if he suspects that
I that I care for him j-just a wee, wee bit ? I believe
he does. And I believe Will suspects that Annie cares for
him a little, that I do. And I know perfectly well that
they care for us. They agree with all our opinions, no
matter what they are ; and if they have a prejudice, they
change it, as soon as they see how foolish it is. Dear
George ! at first he just couldn t abide cats ; but now, why
now he s just all for cats ; he fairly welters in cats. I
never saw such a reform. And it s just so with all his
principles : he hasn t got one that he had before. Ah, if
376 MEISTERSCHAFT
all men were like him, this world would {Memorising :
Im Gegentheil, mem Herr, dieser Staff" ist sehr billig. Bittc,
sehen Sic sich nur die Qua !i tat an.) Yes, and what did they
go to studying German for, if it wasn t an inspiration of
the highest and purest sympathy ? Any other explanation
is nonsense why, they d as soon have thought of studying
American history.
[ Turns her back, buries herself in her pamphlet, first
memorising aloud, until Annie enters, then to herself,
rocking to and fro, and rapidly moving her lips, without
uttering a sound. ]
Enter ANNIE, absorbed in her pamphlet does not at first see
MARGARET.
ANNIE. {Memorising : Er Hess mich gestern frith rufcn,
und sagte mir dass er einen sehr unangenehmen Brief von Ihrem
Lehrer erhalten hatte. Repeats twice aloud, then to herself,
briskly moving her lips.}
M. (Still not seeing her sister.} Wie geht es Ihrem
Herrn Schwiegervater ? Es freut mich sehr dass Ihre Frau
Mutter wieder wohl ist. (Repeats. Then mouths in silence.}
A. (Repeats her sentence a couple of times aloud ; then looks
up, working her lips, and discovers Margaret.} Oh, you here ?
(Running to her.} O lovey-dovey, dovey-lovey, I ve got
the gr-reatest news ! Guess, guess, guess ! You ll never
guess in a hundred thousand million years and more !
M. Oh, tell me, tell me, dearie ; don t keep me in
agony.
A. Well I will. What do you think ? They re
here !
M. Wh-a-t ! Who ? When ? Which ? Speak !
A. Will and George !
MEISTERSCHAFT 377
M. Annie Alexandra Victoria Stephenson, what do you
mean ?
A. As sure as guns !
M. (Spasmodically embracing and kissing her.] Sh ! don t
use such language. O darling, say it again !
A. As sure as guns !
M. I don t mean that ! Tell me again, that
A. (Springing up and waltzing about the room. ) They re
here in this very village to learn German for three
months ! Es sollte mich sehr freuen wenn Sie
M. (Joining in the dance.} Oh, it s just too lovely for
anything ! ( Unconsciously memorising :} Es wSre mir lieb
wenn Sie morgen mit mir in die Kirche gehen konnten,
aber ich kann selbst nicht gehen, weil ich Sonntags ge-
wohnlich krank bin. Juckhe !
A. (Finishing some unconscious memorising.} morgen
Mittag bei mir speisen ktinnten. Juckhe ! Sit down
and I ll tell you all I ve heard. (They sit.} They re here,
and under that same odious law that fetters us our
tongues, I mean ; the metaphor s faulty, but no matter.
They can go out, and see people, only on condition that
they hear and speak German, and German only.
M. Isn t that too lovely !
A. And they re coming to see us !
M. Darling ! (Kissing her.} But are you sure ?
A. Sure as guns Catling guns !
M. Sh ! don t, child, its schrecklich ! Darling you
aren t mistaken ?
A. As sure as g batteries !
[They jump up and dance a moment then
M. (With distress.} But, Annie dear ! we can t talk
German and neither can they !
A. (Sorrowfully.} I didn t think of that.
378 MEISTERSCHAFT
M. How cruel it is ! What can we do ?
A. (After a reflective pause y resolutely.) Margaret
we ve got to.
M. Got to what ?
A. Speak German.
M. Why, how, child ?
A. (Contemplating her pamphlet with earnestness.) I can
tell you one thing. Just give me the blessed privilege :
just hinsetzen Will Jackson here in front of me, and I ll
talk German to him as long as this Meisterschaft holds out
to burn.
M. (Joyously. ) Oh, what an elegant idea ! You cer
tainly have got a mind that s a mine of resources, if ever
anybody had one.
A. I ll skin this Meisterschaft to the last sentence in it !
M. (With a happy idea.] Why Annie, it s the greatest
thing in the world. I ve been all this time struggling and
despairing over these few little Meisterschaft primers : but
as sure as you live, I ll have the whole fifteen by heart
before this time day after to-morrow. See if I don t.
A. And so will I ; and I ll trowel in a layer of Ollen-
dorff mush between every couple of courses of Meisterschaft
bricks. Juckhe !
M. Hoch ! hoch ! hoch !
A. Stoss an !
M. Juckhe ! Wir werden gleich gute deutsche Schii-
lerinnen werden ! Juck
A. he!
M. Annie, when are they coming to see us ? To-night ?
A. No.
M. No ? Why not ? When are they coming ?
What are they waiting for ? The idea ! I never heard of
such a thing ! What do you
MEISTERSCHAFT 379
A. (Breaking in.] Wait, wait, wait ! give a body a
chance. They have their reasons.
M. Reasons ? what reasons ?
A. Well, now, when you stop and think, they re royal
good ones. They ve got to talk German when they come,
haven t they ? Of course. Well, they don t know any
German but Wie befinden Sie sich, and Haben Sie gut
geschlafen, and Vater unser, and Ich trinke lieber Bier als
Wasser, and a few little parlour things like that ; but when
it comes to talking^ why, they don t know a hundred and
fifty G Tinan words, put them all together.
M. Oh, I see.
A. So they re going to neither eat, sleep, smoke, nor
speak the truth till they ve crammed home the whole fifteen
Meisterschafts auswcndig !
M. Noble hearts !
A. They ve given themselves till day after to-morrow,
half-past 7 P.M., and then they ll arrive here loaded.
M. Oh, how lovely, how gorgeous, how beautiful !
Some think this world is made of mud ; I think it s made of
rainbows. {Memorising. } Wenn irgend moglich, so mochte
ich noch heute Vormittag dort ankommen, da es mir sehr
daran gelegen ist Annie, I can learn it just like
nothing !
A. So can I. Meisterschaft s mere fun I dont see how
it ever could have seemed difficult. Come ! We can t be
disturbed here ; let s give orders that we don t want any
thing to eat for two days ; and are absent to friends, dead
to strangers, and not at home even to nougat peddlers
M. Schon ! and we ll lock ourselves into our rooms,
and at the end of two days, whosoever may ask us a
Meisterschaft question shall get a Meisterschaft answer
and hot from the bat !
380 MEISTERSCHAFT
BOTH. (Reciting in unison.] Ich habe einen Hut ftlr
meinen Sohn, ein Paar Handschuhe fur meinen Bruder,
und einen Kamm fur mich selbst gekauft. [Exeunt.
Enter MRS. BLUMENTHAL, the Wirthin.
WIRTHIN. (Solus.) Ach, die armen Madchen, sie
hassen die deutsche Sprache, drum ist es ganz und gar
unmoglich dass sie sie je lernen konnen. Es bricht mir ja
mein Herz ihre Kummer (iber die Studien anzusehen . . .
Warum haben sie den Entchluss gefasst in ihren Zimmern
ein Paar Tagezu bleiben ? . . . Ja gewiss das versteht
sich ; sie sind entmuthigt arme Kinder !
(yf knock at the door. ) Herein !
Enter GRETCHEN with card.
GR. Er ist schon wieder da, und sagt dass er nur Sie
sehen will. (Hands the card.} Auch
WIRTHIN. Gott im Himmel der Vater der
Madchen ? (Puts the card in her pocket.} Er wiinscht die
Tochter nicht zu treffen ? Ganz recht ; also, Du
schweigst.
GR. Zu Befehl.
WIRTHIN. Lass ihn hereinkommen.
GR. Ja, Frau Wirthin ! [Exit GRETCHEN.
WIRTHIN. (Solus.) Ah jetzt muss ich ihm die
Wahrheit offenbaren.
Enter MR. STEPHENSON.
STEPHENSON. Good-morning, Mrs. Blumenthal keep
your seat, keep your seat, please. I m only here for a
MEISTERSCHAFT 381
moment merely to get your report, you know. (Seating
himself.} Don t want to see the girls poor things, they d
want to go home with me. I m afraid I couldn t have
the heart to say no. How s the German getting along ?
WIRTHIN. N-not very well ; I was afraid you would
ask me that. You see, they hate it, they don t take the
least interest in it, and there isn t anything to incite them
to an interest, you see. And so they can t talk at all.
S. M-m. That s bad. I had an idea that they d get
.onesome, and have to seek society ; and then, of course,
my plan would work, considering the cast-iron conditions
of it.
WIRTHIN. But it hasn t, so far. I ve thrown nice com
pany in their way I ve done my very best, in every way I
could think of but it s no use ; they won t go out, and
they won t receive anybody. And a body can t blame
them ; they d be tongue-tied couldn t do anything with
a German conversation. Now, when I started to learn
German such poor German as I know the case was
very different : my intended was a German. I was to
live among Germans the rest of my life ; and so I had to
learn. Why, bless my heart ! I nearly lost the man the
first time he asked me I thought he was talking about
the measles. They were very prevalent at the time.
Told him I didn t want any in mine. But I found out
the mistake, and I was fixed for him next time. . . .
Oh yes, Mr. Stephenson, a sweetheart s a prime incentive.
S. (Aside.} Good soul ! she doesn t suspect that my
plan is a double scheme includes a speaking knowledge
of German, which I am bound they shall have, and the
keeping them away from those two young fellows though
if I had known that those boys were going off for a year s
foreign travel, I however, the girls would never learn that
382 MEISTERSCHAFT
language at home ; they re here, and I won t relent
they ve got to stick the three months out. (Aloud.} So
they are making poor progress ? Now tell me will they
learn it after a sort of fashion, I mean in three months ?
WIRTHIN. Well, now, I ll tell you the only chance I
see. Do what I will, they won t answer my German with
anything but English ; if that goes on, they ll stand stock-
still. Now I m willing to do this : I ll straighten every
thing up, get matters in smooth running order, and day after
to-morrow I ll go to bed sick, and stay sick three weeks.
S. Good ! You are an angel ? I see your idea. The
servant girl
WIRTHIN. That s it ; that s my project. She doesn t
know a word of English. And Gretchen s a real good soul,
and can talk the slates off a roof. Her tongue s just a
flutter-mill. I ll keep my room just ailing a little and
they ll never see my face except when they pay their little
duty-visits to me, and then I ll say English disorders my
mind. They ll be shut up with Gretchen s windmill, and
she ll just grind them to powder. Oh, they ll get a start in
the language sort of a one, sure s you live. You come
back in three weeks.
S. Bless you, my Retterin ! I ll be here to the day !
Get ye to your sick-room you shall have treble pay.
(Looking at watch.} Good ! I can just catch my train.
Leben Sie wohl ! [Exit.
WIRTHIN. Leben Sie wohl ! mein Herr !
ACT II. SCENE i.
Time, a couple of days later. The girls discovered with their
work and primers.
ANNIE. Was fehlt der Wirthin ?
MEISTERSCHAFT 383
MARGERET. Das weiss ich nicht. Sie ist schon vor
zwei Tagen ins Bett gegangen
A. My ! how fliessend you speak !
M. Danke schon und sagte dass sie nicht wohl sei.
A. Good ? Oh no, I don t mean that ! no only
lucky for us gliicklich, you know I mean because it ll be
so much nicer to have them all to ourselves.
M. Oh, natilrlich ! Ja ! Dass ziehe ich durchaus
vor. Do you believe your Meisterschaft will stay with you,
Annie ?
A. Well, I know it is with me every last sentence of
it ; and a couple of hods of Ollendorff, too, for emer
gencies. Maybe they ll refuse to deliver right off -at
first, you know der Verlegenheit wegen aber ich will
sie spa ter herausholen when I get my hand in und
vergisst Du das nicht !
M. Sei nicht grob, Liebste. What shall we talk about
first when they come ?
A. Well let me see. There s shopping and all
that about the trains, you know and going to church
and buying tickets to London, and Berlin, and all around
and all that subjunctive stuff about the battle in
Afghanistan, and where the American was said to be born,
and so on and and ah oh, there s so many things I
don t think a body can choose beforehand, because you
know the circumstances and the atmosphere always have
so much to do in directing a conversation, especially a
German conversation, which is only a kind of an insurrec
tion, anyway. I believe it s best to just depend on Prov
(Glancing at watch^ and gasping) half-past seven !
M. Oh, dear, I m all of a tremble ! Let s get some
thing ready, Annie !
(Both fall nervously to reciting) : Entschuldigen Sie,
384 MEISTERSCHAFT
mein Herr, konnen Sie mir viclleicht sagen wie ich nach
dem norddeutschen Bahnhof gehe ? (They repeat it several
times, losing their grip and mixing it all up.~) [A knock.
BOTH. Herein ! Oh, dear ! O der heilige
Enter GRETCHEN.
GRETCHEN (Ruffled and indignant.} Entschuldigen
Sie, meine gnadigsten FrSulein, es sind zwei junge rasende
Herren draussen, die herein wollen, aber ich habe ihnen
geschworen dass (Handing the cards.}
M. Du liebe Zeit, they re here ! And of course down
goes my back hair ! Stay and receive them, dear, while I
(Leaving.}
A. I alone ? I won t ! I ll go with you ! (To
GR.) Lassen Sie die Herren naher treten ; und sagen Sie
ihnen dass wir gleich zuriickkommen werden. [Exit.
GR. (Solus.} Was ! Sie freuen sich dartiber ? Und ich
sollte wirklich diese Blodsinnigen, dies grobe Rindvieh
hereinlassen ? In den hiilflosen Umst2nden meiner gna -
digen jungen Damen ? Unsinn ! (Pause thinking.}
Wohlan ! Ich werde sie mal beschutzen ! Sollte man
nicht glauben, dass sie einen Sparren zu viel hasten ?
( Tapping her skull significantly. } Was sie mir doch Alles gesagt
haben ! Der Eine : Guten Morgen ! wie geht es Ihrem
Herrn Schwiegervater ? Du liebe Zeit ! Wie sollte ich
einen Schwiegervater haben konnen ! Und der Andere :
* Es thut mir sehr leid dass Ihrer Herr Vater meinen Bruder
nicht gesehen hat, als er doch gestern in dem Laden des
deutschen Kaufmannes war ! Potztausendhimmelsdonner-
wetter ! Oh, ich war ganz rasend ! Wie ich aber rief :
4 Meine Herren, ich kenne Sie nicht, und Sie kennen
meinen Vater nicht, wissen Sie, denn er ist schon lange
MEISTERSCHAFT 385
durchgebrannt, und geht nicht beim Tage in einen Laden
hinein, wissen Sie und ich habe keinen Schwieirervater,
O 7
Gott sei Dank, werde auch nie einen krietren, werde
O /
(iberhaupt, wissen Sie, ein solches Ding nie haben, nie
dulden, nie ausstehen : waruin greifen Sie ein Madchen an,
das nur Unschuld kennt, das Ihnen nie Etwas zu Leide
gethan hat ? Dann haben sie sich beide die Finger in die
Ohren gesteckt und gebetet : l Allmachtiger Gott !
Erbarme Dich unser r (Pauses.} Nun, ich werde schon
diesen Schurken Einlass gonnen, aber ich werde ein Auge
mit ihnen haben, daniit sie sich nicht wie reine Teufel
geberden sollen. [Exit, grumbling and shaking he^ head.
Enter WILLIAM and GEORGE.
W. My land, what a girl ! and what an incredible gift
of gabble ! kind of patent climate-proof compensation-
balance self-acting automatic Meisterschaft touch her
button, and br-r-r ! away she goes !
GEO. Never heard anything like it ; tongue journalled
on ball-bearings ! I wonder what she said ; seemed to be
swearing, mainly.
W. (After mumbling Meisterschaft a while.] Look
here, George, this is awful come to think this project :
iv e can t talk this frantic language.
O o
GEO. I know it, Will, and it is awful ; but I can t live
without seeing Margaret I ve endured it as long as I can.
I should die if I tried to hold out longer and even German
is preferable to death.
W. (Hesitatingly.) Wei], I don t know ; it s a matter
of opinion.
GEO. (Irritably.] It isn t a matter of opinion either.
German is preferable to death.
c c
386 MEISTERSCHAFT
W (Reflectively.} Well, I don t know the problem is
so sudden but I think you may be right : some kinds of
death. It is more than likely that a slow, lingering well,
now, there in Canada in the early times a couple of
centuries ago, the Indians would take a missionary and skin
him, and get some hot ashes and boiling water and one
thing and another, and by-and-by that missionary well,
yes, I can see that, by-and-by, talking German could be a
pleasant change for him.
GEO. Why, of course. Das versteht sich ; but you have
to always think a thing out, or you re not satisfied. But
let s not go to bothering about thinking out this present
buisness ; we re here, we re in for it ; you are as moribund
to see Annie as I am to see Margaret ; you know the terms :
we ve got to speak German. Now stop your mooning and
get at your Meisterschaft ; we ve got nothing else in the
world.
W. Do you think that ll see us through ?
GEO. Why it s got to. Suppose we wandered out of it
and took a chance at the language on our own responsi
bility, where the nation would we be ! Up a stump, that s
where. Our only safety is in sticking like wax to the text.
W. But what can we talk about ?
GEO. Why, anything that Meisterschaft talks about.
It ain t our affair.
W. I know ; but Meisterschaft talks about everything.
GEO. And yet don t talk about anything long enough
for it to get embarrassing. Meisterschaft is just splendid for
general conversation.
W. Yes, that s so ; but it s so blamed general ! Won t
it sound foolish ?
GEO. Foolish ! Why, of course; all German sounds
foolish.
W. Well, that is true ; I didn t think of that.
MEISTERSCHAFT 387
GEO. Now, don t fool around any more. Load up ;
load up ; get ready. Fix up some sentences ; you ll need
them in two minutes new.
[They ^valk up and down, moving their lips in dumb-
show memorising.
W. Look here when we ve said all that s in the book
on a topic, and want to change the subject, how can we
say so ? how would a German say it ?
GEO. Well, I don t know. But you know when they
mean l Change cars, they say Umsteigen. Don t you
reckon that will answer ?
W. Tip-top ! It s short and goes right to the point ;
and it s got a business whang to it that s almost American.
Umsteigen ! change subject ! why, it s the very thing.
GEO. All right, then, you umsteigen for I hear them
coming.
Enter the girls.
A. to W. {With solemnity.] Guten Morgen, mein Herr,
es freut mich sehr, Sie zu sehen.
W. Guten Morgen, mein Fraulein, es freut mich sehr
Sie zu sehen.
[MARGARET and GEORGE repeat the same sentences.
Then, after an embarrassing silence, MARGARET refers
to her book and says :]
M. Bitte, meine Herren, setzen Sie sich.
THE GENTLEMEN. Danke schon.
[The four seat themselves in couples, the width of the stage
apart, and the two conversations begin. The talk
is not flowing at any rate at first ; there are painful
silences all along. Each couple worry out a remark
and a reply : there is a pause of silent thinking, and
then the other couple deliver themselves.
C C 2
388 MEISTERSCHAFT
W. Haben Sie meinen Vater in dem Laden meines
Bruders nicht gesehen ?
A. Nein, mein Herr, ich habe Ihren Herrn Vater in
dem Laden Ihres Herrn Bruders nicht gesehen.
GEO. Waren Sie gestern Abend im Koncert, oder im
Theater ?
M. Nein, ich war gestern Abend nicht im Koncert,
noch im Theater, ich war gestern Abend zu Hause.
[ General break-down long pause.
W. Ich store doch nicht etwa ?
A. Sie storen mich durchaus nicht.
GEO. Bitte, lassen Sie sich nicht von mir storen.
M. Aber ich bitte Sie, Sie storen mich durchaus