THE SWOOP!
or
How Clarence Saved England
_A Tale of the Great Invasion_
by P. G. Wodehouse
1909
PREFACE
It may be thought by some that in the pages which follow I have painted
in too lurid colours the horrors of a foreign invasion of England.
Realism in art, it may be argued, can be carried too far. I prefer to
think that the majority of my readers will acquit me of a desire to be
unduly sensational. It is necessary that England should be roused to a
sense of her peril, and only by setting down without flinching the
probable results of an invasion can this be done. This story, I may
mention, has been written and published purely from a feeling of
patriotism and duty. Mr. Alston Rivers' sensitive soul will be jarred
to its foundations if it is a financial success. So will mine. But in a
time of national danger we feel that the risk must be taken. After all,
at the worst, it is a small sacrifice to make for our country.
P. G. WODEHOUSE.
_The Bomb-Proof Shelter,_ _London, W._
Part One
Chapter 1
AN ENGLISH BOY'S HOME
_August the First, 19 - _
Clarence Chugwater looked around him with a frown, and gritted his
teeth.
"England - my England!" he moaned.
Clarence was a sturdy lad of some fourteen summers. He was neatly, but
not gaudily, dressed in a flat-brimmed hat, a coloured handkerchief, a
flannel shirt, a bunch of ribbons, a haversack, football shorts, brown
boots, a whistle, and a hockey-stick. He was, in fact, one of General
Baden-Powell's Boy Scouts.
Scan him closely. Do not dismiss him with a passing glance; for you are
looking at the Boy of Destiny, at Clarence MacAndrew Chugwater, who
saved England.
To-day those features are familiar to all. Everyone has seen the
Chugwater Column in Aldwych, the equestrian statue in Chugwater Road
(formerly Piccadilly), and the picture-postcards in the stationers'
windows. That bulging forehead, distended with useful information; that
massive chin; those eyes, gleaming behind their spectacles; that
_tout ensemble_; that _je ne sais quoi_.
In a word, Clarence!
He could do everything that the Boy Scout must learn to do. He could
low like a bull. He could gurgle like a wood-pigeon. He could imitate
the cry of the turnip in order to deceive rabbits. He could smile and
whistle simultaneously in accordance with Rule 8 (and only those who
have tried this know how difficult it is). He could spoor, fell trees,
tell the character from the boot-sole, and fling the squaler. He did
all these things well, but what he was really best at was flinging the
squaler.
* * * * *
Clarence, on this sultry August afternoon, was tensely occupied
tracking the family cat across the dining-room carpet by its
foot-prints. Glancing up for a moment, he caught sight of the other
members of the family.
"England, my England!" he moaned.
It was indeed a sight to extract tears of blood from any Boy Scout. The
table had been moved back against the wall, and in the cleared space
Mr. Chugwater, whose duty it was to have set an example to his
children, was playing diabolo. Beside him, engrossed in cup-and-ball,
was his wife. Reggie Chugwater, the eldest son, the heir, the hope of
the house, was reading the cricket news in an early edition of the
evening paper. Horace, his brother, was playing pop-in-taw with his
sister Grace and Grace's _fiance_, Ralph Peabody. Alice, the other
Miss Chugwater, was mending a Badminton racquet.
Not a single member of that family was practising with the rifle, or
drilling, or learning to make bandages.
Clarence groaned.
"If you can't play without snorting like that, my boy," said Mr.
Chugwater, a little irritably, "you must find some other game. You made
me jump just as I was going to beat my record."
"Talking of records," said Reggie, "Fry's on his way to his eighth
successive century. If he goes on like this, Lancashire will win the
championship."
"I thought he was playing for Somerset," said Horace.
"That was a fortnight ago. You ought to keep up to date in an important
subject like cricket."
Once more Clarence snorted bitterly.
"I'm sure you ought not to be down on the floor, Clarence," said Mr.
Chugwater anxiously. "It is so draughty, and you have evidently got a
nasty cold. _Must_ you lie on the floor?"
"I am spooring," said Clarence with simple dignity.
"But I'm sure you can spoor better sitting on a chair with a nice
book."
"_I_ think the kid's sickening for something," put in Horace
critically. "He's deuced roopy. What's up, Clarry?"
"I was thinking," said Clarence, "of my country - of England."
"What's the matter with England?"
"_She's_ all right," murmured Ralph Peabody.
"My fallen country!" sighed Clarence, a not unmanly tear bedewing the
glasses of his spectacles. "My fallen, stricken country!"
"That kid," said Reggie, laying down his paper, "is talking right
through his hat. My dear old son, are you aware that England has never
been so strong all round as she is now? Do you _ever_ read the
papers? Don't you know that we've got the Ashes and the Golf
Championship, and the Wibbley-wob Championship, and the Spiropole,
Spillikins, Puff-Feather, and Animal Grab Championships? Has it come to
your notice that our croquet pair beat America last Thursday by eight
hoops? Did you happen to hear that we won the Hop-skip-and-jump at the
last Olympic Games? You've been out in the woods, old sport."
Clarence's heart was too full for words. He rose in silence, and
quitted the room.
"Got the pip or something!" said Reggie. "Rum kid! I say, Hirst's
bowling well! Five for twenty-three so far!"
Clarence wandered moodily out of the house. The Chugwaters lived in a
desirable villa residence, which Mr. Chugwater had built in Essex. It
was a typical Englishman's Home. Its name was Nasturtium Villa.
As Clarence walked down the road, the excited voice of a newspaper-boy
came to him. Presently the boy turned the corner, shouting, "Ker-lapse
of Surrey! Sensational bowling at the Oval!"
He stopped on seeing Clarence.
"Paper, General?"
Clarence shook his head. Then he uttered a startled exclamation, for
his eye had fallen on the poster.
It ran as follows: -
SURREY
DOING
BADLY
GERMAN ARMY LANDS IN ENGLAND
Chapter 2
THE INVADERS
Clarence flung the boy a halfpenny, tore a paper from his grasp, and
scanned it eagerly. There was nothing to interest him in the body of
the journal, but he found what he was looking for in the stop-press
space. "Stop press news," said the paper. "Fry not out, 104. Surrey 147
for 8. A German army landed in Essex this afternoon. Loamshire
Handicap: Spring Chicken, 1; Salome, 2; Yip-i-addy, 3. Seven ran."
Essex! Then at any moment the foe might be at their doors; more, inside
their doors. With a passionate cry, Clarence tore back to the house.
He entered the dining-room with the speed of a highly-trained Marathon
winner, just in time once more to prevent Mr. Chugwater lowering his
record.
"The Germans!" shouted Clarence. "We are invaded!"
This time Mr. Chugwater was really annoyed.
"If I have told you once about your detestable habit of shouting in the
house, Clarence, I have told you a hundred times. If you cannot be a
Boy Scout quietly, you must stop being one altogether. I had got up to
six that time."
"But, father - - "
"Silence! You will go to bed this minute; and I shall consider the
question whether you are to have any supper. It will depend largely on
your behaviour between now and then. Go!"
"But, father - - "
Clarence dropped the paper, shaken with emotion. Mr. Chugwater's
sternness deepened visibly.
"Clarence! Must I speak again?"
He stooped and removed his right slipper.
Clarence withdrew.
Reggie picked up the paper.
"That kid," he announced judicially, "is off his nut! Hullo! I told you
so! Fry not out, 104. Good old Charles!"
"I say," exclaimed Horace, who sat nearest the window, "there are two
rummy-looking chaps coming to the front door, wearing a sort of fancy
dress!"
"It must be the Germans," said Reggie. "The paper says they landed here
this afternoon. I expect - - "
A thunderous knock rang through the house. The family looked at one
another. Voices were heard in the hall, and next moment the door opened
and the servant announced "Mr. Prinsotto and Mr. Aydycong."
"Or, rather," said the first of the two newcomers, a tall, bearded,
soldierly man, in perfect English, "Prince Otto of Saxe-Pfennig and
Captain the Graf von Poppenheim, his aide-de-camp."
"Just so - just so!" said Mr. Chugwater, affably. "Sit down, won't you?"
The visitors seated themselves. There was an awkward silence.
"Warm day!" said Mr. Chugwater.
"Very!" said the Prince, a little constrainedly.
"Perhaps a cup of tea? Have you come far?"
"Well - er - pretty far. That is to say, a certain distance. In fact,
from Germany."
"I spent my summer holiday last year at Dresden. Capital place!"
"Just so. The fact is, Mr. - er - "
"Chugwater. By the way - my wife, Mrs. Chugwater."
The prince bowed. So did his aide-de-camp.
"The fact is, Mr. Jugwater," resumed the prince, "we are not here on a
holiday."
"Quite so, quite so. Business before pleasure."
The prince pulled at his moustache. So did his aide-de-camp, who seemed
to be a man of but little initiative and conversational resource.
"We are invaders."
"Not at all, not at all," protested Mr. Chugwater.
"I must warn you that you will resist at your peril. You wear no
uniform - "
"Wouldn't dream of such a thing. Except at the lodge, of course."
"You will be sorely tempted, no doubt. Do not think that I do not
appreciate your feelings. This is an Englishman's Home."
Mr. Chugwater tapped him confidentially on the knee.
"And an uncommonly snug little place, too," he said. "Now, if you will
forgive me for talking business, you, I gather, propose making some
stay in this country."
The prince laughed shortly. So did his aide-de-camp. "Exactly,"
continued Mr. Chugwater, "exactly. Then you will want some
_pied-a-terre_, if you follow me. I shall be delighted to let you
this house on remarkably easy terms for as long as you please. Just
come along into my study for a moment. We can talk it over quietly
there. You see, dealing direct with me, you would escape the
middleman's charges, and - "
Gently but firmly he edged the prince out of the room and down the
passage.
The aide-de-camp continued to sit staring woodenly at the carpet.
Reggie closed quietly in on him.
"Excuse me," he said; "talking shop and all that. But I'm an agent for
the Come One Come All Accident and Life Assurance Office. You have
heard of it probably? We can offer you really exceptional terms. You
must not miss a chance of this sort. Now here's a prospectus - "
Horace sidled forward.
"I don't know if you happen to be a cyclist, Captain - er - Graf; but if
you'd like a practically new motorbike, only been used since last
November, I can let you - "
There was a swish of skirts as Grace and Alice advanced on the visitor.
"I'm sure," said Grace winningly, "that you're fond of the theatre,
Captain Poppenheim. We are getting up a performance of 'Ici on parle
Francais,' in aid of the fund for Supplying Square Meals to Old-Age
Pensioners. Such a deserving object, you know. Now, how many tickets
will you take?"
"You can sell them to your friends, you know," added Mrs. Chugwater.
The aide-de-camp gulped convulsively.
* * * * *
Ten minutes later two penniless men groped their way, dazed, to the
garden gate.
"At last," said Prince Otto brokenly, for it was he, "at last I begin
to realise the horrors of an invasion - for the invaders."
And together the two men staggered on.
Chapter 3
ENGLAND'S PERIL
When the papers arrived next morning, it was seen that the situation
was even worse than had at first been suspected. Not only had the
Germans effected a landing in Essex, but, in addition, no fewer than
eight other hostile armies had, by some remarkable coincidence, hit on
that identical moment for launching their long-prepared blow.
England was not merely beneath the heel of the invader. It was beneath
the heels of nine invaders.
There was barely standing-room.
Full details were given in the Press. It seemed that while Germany was
landing in Essex, a strong force of Russians, under the Grand Duke
Vodkakoff, had occupied Yarmouth. Simultaneously the Mad Mullah had
captured Portsmouth; while the Swiss navy had bombarded Lyme Regis, and
landed troops immediately to westward of the bathing-machines. At
precisely the same moment China, at last awakened, had swooped down
upon that picturesque little Welsh watering-place, Lllgxtplll, and,
despite desperate resistance on the part of an excursion of Evanses and
Joneses from Cardiff, had obtained a secure foothold. While these
things were happening in Wales, the army of Monaco had descended on
Auchtermuchty, on the Firth of Clyde. Within two minutes of this
disaster, by Greenwich time, a boisterous band of Young Turks had
seized Scarborough. And, at Brighton and Margate respectively, small
but determined armies, the one of Moroccan brigands, under Raisuli, the
other of dark-skinned warriors from the distant isle of Bollygolla, had
made good their footing.
This was a very serious state of things.
Correspondents of the _Daily Mail_ at the various points of attack
had wired such particulars as they were able. The preliminary parley at
Lllgxtplll between Prince Ping Pong Pang, the Chinese general, and
Llewellyn Evans, the leader of the Cardiff excursionists, seems to have
been impressive to a degree. The former had spoken throughout in pure
Chinese, the latter replying in rich Welsh, and the general effect,
wired the correspondent, was almost painfully exhilarating.
So sudden had been the attacks that in very few instances was there any
real resistance. The nearest approach to it appears to have been seen
at Margate.
At the time of the arrival of the black warriors which, like the other
onslaughts, took place between one and two o'clock on the afternoon of
August Bank Holiday, the sands were covered with happy revellers. When
the war canoes approached the beach, the excursionists seem to have
mistaken their occupants at first for a troupe of nigger minstrels on
an unusually magnificent scale; and it was freely noised abroad in the
crowd that they were being presented by Charles Frohmann, who was
endeavouring to revive the ancient glories of the Christy Minstrels.
Too soon, however, it was perceived that these were no harmless Moore
and Burgesses. Suspicion was aroused by the absence of banjoes and
tambourines; and when the foremost of the negroes dexterously scalped a
small boy, suspicion became certainty.
In this crisis the trippers of Margate behaved well. The Mounted
Infantry, on donkeys, headed by Uncle Bones, did much execution. The
Ladies' Tormentor Brigade harassed the enemy's flank, and a
hastily-formed band of sharp-shooters, armed with three-shies-a-penny
balls and milky cocos, undoubtedly troubled the advance guard
considerably. But superior force told. After half an hour's fighting
the excursionists fled, leaving the beach to the foe.
At Auchtermuchty and Portsmouth no obstacle, apparently, was offered to
the invaders. At Brighton the enemy were permitted to land unharmed.
Scarborough, taken utterly aback by the boyish vigour of the Young
Turks, was an easy prey; and at Yarmouth, though the Grand Duke
received a nasty slap in the face from a dexterously-thrown bloater,
the resistance appears to have been equally futile.
By tea-time on August the First, nine strongly-equipped forces were
firmly established on British soil.
Chapter 4
WHAT ENGLAND THOUGHT OF IT
Such a state of affairs, disturbing enough in itself, was rendered
still more disquieting by the fact that, except for the Boy Scouts,
England's military strength at this time was practically nil.
The abolition of the regular army had been the first step. Several
causes had contributed to this. In the first place, the Socialists had
condemned the army system as unsocial. Privates, they pointed out, were
forbidden to hob-nob with colonels, though the difference in their
positions was due to a mere accident of birth. They demanded that every
man in the army should be a general. Comrade Quelch, in an eloquent
speech at Newington Butts, had pointed, amidst enthusiasm, to the
republics of South America, where the system worked admirably.
Scotland, too, disapproved of the army, because it was professional.
Mr. Smith wrote several trenchant letters to Mr. C. J. B. Marriott on
the subject.
So the army was abolished, and the land defence of the country
entrusted entirely to the Territorials, the Legion of Frontiersmen, and
the Boy Scouts.
But first the Territorials dropped out. The strain of being referred to
on the music-hall stage as Teddy-boys was too much for them.
Then the Frontiersmen were disbanded. They had promised well at the
start, but they had never been themselves since La Milo had been
attacked by the Manchester Watch Committee. It had taken all the heart
out of them.
So that in the end England's defenders were narrowed down to the
Boy Scouts, of whom Clarence Chugwater was the pride, and a large
civilian population, prepared, at any moment, to turn out for their
country's sake and wave flags. A certain section of these, too, could
sing patriotic songs.
* * * * *
It was inevitable, in the height of the Silly Season, that such a topic
as the simultaneous invasion of Great Britain by nine foreign powers
should be seized upon by the press. Countless letters poured into the
offices of the London daily papers every morning. Space forbids more
than the gist of a few of these.
Miss Charlesworth wrote: - "In this crisis I see no alternative. I shall
disappear."
Mr. Horatio Bottomley, in _John Bull_, said that there was some
very dirty and underhand work going on, and that the secret history of
the invasion would be published shortly. He himself, however, preferred
any invader, even the King of Bollygolla, to some K.C.'s he could name,
though he was fond of dear old Muir. He wanted to know why Inspector
Drew had retired.
The _Daily Express_, in a thoughtful leader, said that Free Trade
evidently meant invaders for all.
Mr. Herbert Gladstone, writing to the _Times_, pointed out that he
had let so many undesirable aliens into the country that he did not see
that a few more made much difference.
Mr. George R. Sims made eighteen puns on the names of the invading
generals in the course of one number of "Mustard and Cress."
Mr. H. G. Pelissier urged the public to look on the bright side. There
was a sun still shining in the sky. Besides, who knew that some foreign
marksman might not pot the censor?
Mr. Robert FitzSimmons offered to take on any of the invading generals,
or all of them, and if he didn't beat them it would only be because the
referee had a wife and seven small children and had asked him as a
personal favour to let himself be knocked out. He had lost several
fights that way.
The directors of the Crystal Palace wrote a circular letter to the
shareholders, pointing out that there was a good time coming. With this
addition to the public, the Palace stood a sporting chance of once more
finding itself full.
Judge Willis asked: "What is an invasion?"
Signor Scotti cabled anxiously from America (prepaid): "Stands Scotland
where it did?"
Mr. Lewis Waller wrote heroically: "How many of them are there? I am
usually good for about half a dozen. Are they assassins? I can tackle
any number of assassins."
Mr. Seymour Hicks said he hoped they would not hurt George Edwardes.
Mr. George Edwardes said that if they injured Seymour Hicks in any way
he would never smile again.
A writer in _Answers_ pointed out that, if all the invaders in the
country were piled in a heap, they would reach some of the way to the
moon.
Far-seeing men took a gloomy view of the situation. They laid stress on
the fact that this counter-attraction was bound to hit first-class
cricket hard. For some years gates had shown a tendency to fall off,
owing to the growing popularity of golf, tennis, and other games. The
desire to see the invaders as they marched through the country must
draw away thousands who otherwise would have paid their sixpences at
the turnstiles. It was suggested that representations should be made to
the invading generals with a view to inducing them to make a small
charge to sightseers.
In sporting circles the chief interest centered on the race to London.
The papers showed the positions of the various armies each morning in
their Runners and Betting columns; six to four on the Germans was
freely offered, but found no takers.
Considerable interest was displayed in the probable behaviour of the
nine armies when they met. The situation was a curious outcome of the
modern custom of striking a deadly blow before actually declaring war.
Until the moment when the enemy were at her doors, England had imagined
that she was on terms of the most satisfactory friendship with her
neighbours. The foe had taken full advantage of this, and also of the
fact that, owing to a fit of absent-mindedness on the part of the
Government, England had no ships afloat which were not entirely
obsolete. Interviewed on the subject by representatives of the daily
papers, the Government handsomely admitted that it was perhaps in
some ways a silly thing to have done; but, they urged, you could not
think of everything. Besides, they were on the point of laying down a
_Dreadnought_, which would be ready in a very few years. Meanwhile,
the best thing the public could do was to sleep quietly in their beds.
It was Fisher's tip; and Fisher was a smart man.
And all the while the Invaders' Marathon continued.
Who would be the first to reach London?
Chapter 5
THE GERMANS REACH LONDON
The Germans had got off smartly from the mark and were fully justifying
the long odds laid upon them. That master-strategist, Prince Otto of
Saxe-Pfennig, realising that if he wished to reach the Metropolis
quickly he must not go by train, had resolved almost at once to walk.
Though hampered considerably by crowds of rustics who gathered, gaping,
at every point in the line of march, he had made good progress. The
German troops had strict orders to reply to no questions, with the
result that little time was lost in idle chatter, and in a couple of
days it was seen that the army of the Fatherland was bound, barring
accidents, to win comfortably.
The progress of the other forces was slower. The Chinese especially
had undergone great privations, having lost their way near
Llanfairpwlgwnngogogoch, and having been unable to understand the
voluble directions given to them by the various shepherds they
encountered. It was not for nearly a week that they contrived to reach
Chester, where, catching a cheap excursion, they arrived in the
metropolis, hungry and footsore, four days after the last of their
rivals had taken up their station.
The German advance halted on the wooded heights of Tottenham. Here a
camp was pitched and trenches dug.
The march had shown how terrible invasion must of necessity be. With no
wish to be ruthless, the troops of Prince Otto had done grievous
damage. Cricket-pitches had been trampled down, and in many cases even
golf-greens dented by the iron heel of the invader, who rarely, if
ever, replaced the divot. Everywhere they had left ruin and misery in
their train.
With the other armies it was the same story. Through
carefully-preserved woods they had marched, frightening the birds and
driving keepers into fits of nervous prostration. Fishing, owing to
their tramping carelessly through the streams, was at a standstill.
Croquet had been given up in despair.
Near Epping the Russians shot a fox....
* * * * *
The situation which faced Prince Otto was a delicate one. All his early
training and education had implanted in him the fixed idea that, if he
ever invaded England, he would do it either alone or with the
sympathetic co-operation of allies. He had never faced the problem of
what he should do if there were rivals in the field. Competition is
wholesome, but only within bounds. He could not very well ask the other
nations to withdraw. Nor did he feel inclined to withdraw himself.
"It all comes of this dashed Swoop of the Vulture business," he
grumbled, as he paced before his tent, ever and anon pausing to sweep
the city below him with his glasses. "I should like to find the fellow
who started the idea! Making me look a fool! Still, it's just as bad
for the others, thank goodness! Well, Poppenheim?"
Captain von Poppenheim approached and saluted.
"Please, sir, the men say, 'May they bombard London?'"
"Bombard London!"
"Yes, sir; it's always done."
Prince Otto pulled thoughtfully at his moustache.
"Bombard London! It seems - and yet - ah, well, they have few pleasures."
He stood awhile in meditation. So did Captain von Poppenheim. He kicked
a pebble. So did Captain von Poppenheim - only a smaller pebble.
Discipline is very strict in the German army.
"Poppenheim."
"Sir?"
"Any signs of our - er - competitors?"
"Yes, sir; the Russians are coming up on the left flank, sir. They'll
be here in a few hours. Raisuli has been arrested at Purley for
stealing chickens. The army of Bollygolla is about ten miles out. No
news of the field yet, sir."
The Prince brooded. Then he spoke, unbosoming himself more freely than
was his wont in conversation with his staff.
"Between you and me, Pop," he cried impulsively, "I'm dashed sorry we
ever started this dashed silly invading business. We thought ourselves
dashed smart, working in the dark, and giving no sign till the great
pounce, and all that sort of dashed nonsense. Seems to me we've simply
dashed well landed ourselves in the dashed soup."
Captain von Poppenheim saluted in sympathetic silence. He and the
prince had been old chums at college. A life-long friendship existed
between them. He would have liked to have expressed adhesion verbally
to his superior officer's remarks. The words "I don't think" trembled
on his tongue. But the iron discipline of the German Army gagged him.
He saluted again and clicked his heels.
The Prince recovered himself with a strong effort.
"You say the Russians will be here shortly?" he said.
"In a few hours, sir."
"And the men really wish to bombard London?"
"It would be a treat to them, sir."
"Well, well, I suppose if we don't do it, somebody else will. And we
got here first."
"Yes, sir."
"Then - "
An orderly hurried up and saluted.
"Telegram, sir."
Absently the Prince opened it. Then his eyes lit up.
"Gotterdammerung!" he said. "I never thought of that. 'Smash up London
and provide work for unemployed mending it. - GRAYSON,'" he read.
"Poppenheim."
"Sir?"
"Let the bombardment commence."
"Yes, sir."
"And let it continue till the Russians arrive. Then it must stop, or
there will be complications."
Captain von Poppenheim saluted, and withdrew.
Chapter 6
THE BOMBARDMENT OF LONDON
Thus was London bombarded. Fortunately it was August, and there was
nobody in town.
Otherwise there might have been loss of life.
Chapter 7
A CONFERENCE OF THE POWERS
The Russians, led by General Vodkakoff, arrived at Hampstead half an
hour after the bombardment had ceased, and the rest of the invaders,
including Raisuli, who had got off on an _alibi_, dropped in at
intervals during the week. By the evening of Saturday, the sixth of
August, even the Chinese had limped to the metropolis. And the question
now was, What was going to happen? England displayed a polite
indifference to the problem. We are essentially a nation of
sight-seers. To us the excitement of staring at the invaders was
enough. Into the complex international problems to which the situation
gave rise it did not occur to us to examine. When you consider that a
crowd of five hundred Londoners will assemble in the space of two
minutes, abandoning entirely all its other business, to watch a
cab-horse that has fallen in the street, it is not surprising that the
spectacle of nine separate and distinct armies in the metropolis left
no room in the British mind for other reflections.
The attraction was beginning to draw people back to London now. They
found that the German shells had had one excellent result, they had
demolished nearly all the London statues. And what might have
conceivably seemed a draw-back, the fact that they had blown great
holes in the wood-paving, passed unnoticed amidst the more extensive
operations of the London County Council.
Taking it for all in all, the German gunners had simply been
beautifying London. The Albert Hall, struck by a merciful shell, had
come down with a run, and was now a heap of picturesque ruins;
Whitefield's Tabernacle was a charred mass; and the burning of the
Royal Academy proved a great comfort to all. At a mass meeting in
Trafalgar Square a hearty vote of thanks was passed, with acclamation,
to Prince Otto.
But if Londoners rejoiced, the invaders were very far from doing so.
The complicated state of foreign politics made it imperative that there
should be no friction between the Powers. Yet here a great number of
them were in perhaps as embarrassing a position as ever diplomatists
were called upon to unravel. When nine dogs are assembled round one
bone, it is rarely on the bone alone that teeth-marks are found at the
close of the proceedings.
Prince Otto of Saxe-Pfennig set himself resolutely to grapple with the
problem. His chance of grappling successfully with it was not improved
by the stream of telegrams which arrived daily from his Imperial
Master, demanding to know whether he had yet subjugated the country,
and if not, why not. He had replied guardedly, stating the difficulties
which lay in his way, and had received the following: "At once mailed
fist display. On Get or out Get. - WILHELM."
It was then that the distracted prince saw that steps must be taken at
once.
Carefully-worded letters were despatched by District Messenger boys to
the other generals. Towards nightfall the replies began to come in,
and, having read them, the Prince saw that this business could never be
settled without a personal interview. Many of the replies were
absolutely incoherent.
Raisuli, apologising for delay on the ground that he had been away in
the Isle of Dogs cracking a crib, wrote suggesting that the Germans and
Moroccans should combine with a view to playing the Confidence Trick on
the Swiss general, who seemed a simple sort of chap. "Reminds me of
dear old Maclean," wrote Raisuli. "There is money in this. Will you
come in? Wire in the morning."
The general of the Monaco forces thought the best way would be to
settle the thing by means of a game of chance of the odd-man-out class.
He knew a splendid game called Slippery Sam. He could teach them the
rules in half a minute.
The reply of Prince Ping Pong Pang of China was probably brilliant and
scholarly, but it was expressed in Chinese characters of the Ming
period, which Prince Otto did not understand; and even if he had it
would have done him no good, for he tried to read it from the top
downwards instead of from the bottom up.
The Young Turks, as might have been expected, wrote in their customary
flippant, cheeky style. They were full of mischief, as usual. The body
of the letter, scrawled in a round, schoolboy hand, dealt principally
with the details of the booby-trap which the general had successfully
laid for his head of staff. "He was frightfully shirty," concluded the
note jubilantly.
From the Bollygolla camp the messenger-boy returned without a scalp,
and with a verbal message to the effect that the King could neither
read nor write.
Grand Duke Vodkakoff, from the Russian lines, replied in his smooth,
cynical, Russian way: - "You appear anxious, my dear prince, to scratch
the other entrants. May I beg you to remember what happens when you
scratch a Russian?"
As for the Mad Mullah's reply, it was simply pure delirium. The journey
from Somaliland, and his meeting with his friend Mr. Dillon, appeared
to have had the worse effects on his sanity. He opened with the
statement that he was a tea-pot: and that was the only really coherent
remark he made.
Prince Otto placed a hand wearily on his throbbing brow.
"We must have a conference," he said. "It is the only way."
Next day eight invitations to dinner went out from the German camp.
* * * * *
It would be idle to say that the dinner, as a dinner, was a complete
success. Half-way through the Swiss general missed his diamond
solitaire, and cold glances were cast at Raisuli, who sat on his
immediate left. Then the King of Bollygolla's table-manners were
frankly inelegant. When he wanted a thing, he grabbed for it. And he
seemed to want nearly everything. Nor was the behaviour of the leader
of the Young Turks all that could be desired. There had been some talk
of only allowing him to come down to dessert; but he had squashed in,
as he briefly put it, and it would be paltering with the truth to say
that he had not had far more champagne than was good for him. Also, the
general of Monaco had brought a pack of cards with him, and was
spoiling the harmony by trying to induce Prince Ping Pong Pang to find
the lady. And the brainless laugh of the Mad Mullah was very trying.
Altogether Prince Otto was glad when the cloth was removed, and the
waiters left the company to smoke and talk business.
Anyone who has had anything to do with the higher diplomacy is aware
that diplomatic language stands in a class by itself. It is a language
specially designed to deceive the chance listener.
Thus when Prince Otto, turning to Grand Duke Vodkakoff, said quietly,
"I hear the crops are coming on nicely down Kent way," the habitual
frequenter of diplomatic circles would have understood, as did the
Grand Duke, that what he really meant was, "Now about this business.
What do you propose to do?"
The company, with the exception of the representative of the Young
Turks, who was drinking _creme de menthe_ out of a tumbler, the
Mullah and the King of Bollygolla bent forward, deeply interested, to
catch the Russian's reply. Much would depend on this.
Vodkakoff carelessly flicked the ash off his cigarette.
"So I hear," he said slowly. "But in Shropshire, they tell me, they are
having trouble with the mangel-wurzels."
The prince frowned at this typical piece of shifty Russian diplomacy.
"How is your Highness getting on with your Highness's roller-skating?"
he enquired guardedly.
The Russian smiled a subtle smile.
"Poorly," he said, "poorly. The last time I tried the outside edge I
thought somebody had thrown the building at me."
Prince Otto flushed. He was a plain, blunt man, and he hated this
beating about the bush.
"Why does a chicken cross the road?" he demanded, almost angrily.
The Russian raised his eyebrows, and smiled, but made no reply. The
prince, resolved to give him no chance of wriggling away from the
point, pressed him hotly.
"Think of a number," he cried. "Double it. Add ten. Take away the
number you first thought of. Divide it by three, and what is the
result?"
There was an awed silence. Surely the Russian, expert at evasion as he
was, could not parry so direct a challenge as this.
He threw away his cigarette and lit a cigar.
"I understand," he said, with a tinkle of defiance in his voice, "that
the Suffragettes, as a last resource, propose to capture Mr. Asquith
and sing the Suffragette Anthem to him."
A startled gasp ran round the table.
"Because the higher he flies, the fewer?" asked Prince Otto, with
sinister calm.
"Because the higher he flies, the fewer," said the Russian smoothly,
but with the smoothness of a treacherous sea.
There was another gasp. The situation was becoming alarmingly tense.
"You are plain-spoken, your Highness," said Prince Otto slowly.
At this moment the tension was relieved by the Young Turk falling off
his chair with a crash on to the floor. Everyone jumped up startled.
Raisuli took advantage of the confusion to pocket a silver ash-tray.
The interruption had a good effect. Frowns relaxed. The wranglers began
to see that they had allowed their feelings to run away with them. It
was with a conciliatory smile that Prince Otto, filling the Grand
Duke's glass, observed:
"Trumper is perhaps the prettier bat, but I confess I admire Fry's
robust driving."
The Russian was won over. He extended his hand.
"Two down and three to play, and the red near the top corner pocket,"
he said with that half-Oriental charm which he knew so well how to
exhibit on occasion.
The two shook hands warmly.
And so it was settled, the Russian having, as we have seen, waived his
claim to bombard London in his turn, there was no obstacle to a
peaceful settlement. It was obvious that the superior forces of the
Germans and Russians gave them, if they did but combine, the key to the
situation. The decision they arrived at was, as set forth above, as
follows. After the fashion of the moment, the Russian and German
generals decided to draw the Colour Line. That meant that the troops of
China, Somaliland, Bollygolla, as well as Raisuli and the Young Turks,
were ruled out. They would be given a week in which to leave the
country. Resistance would be useless. The combined forces of the
Germans, Russians, Swiss, and Monacoans were overwhelming, especially
as the Chinese had not recovered from their wanderings in Wales and
were far too footsore still to think of serious fighting.
When they had left, the remaining four Powers would continue the
invasion jointly.
* * * * *
Prince Otto of Saxe-Pfennig went to bed that night, comfortably
conscious of a good work well done. He saw his way now clear before
him.
But he had made one miscalculation. He had not reckoned with Clarence
Chugwater.
Part Two
Chapter 1
IN THE BOY SCOUTS' CAMP
Night!
Night in Aldwych!
In the centre of that vast tract of unreclaimed prairie known to
Londoners as the Aldwych Site there shone feebly, seeming almost to
emphasise the darkness and desolation of the scene, a single light.
It was the camp-fire of the Boy Scouts.
The night was raw and windy. A fine rain had been falling for some
hours. The date of September the First. For just a month England had
been in the grip of the invaders. The coloured section of the hostile
force had either reached its home by now, or was well on its way. The
public had seen it go with a certain regret. Not since the visit of the
Shah had such an attractive topic of conversation been afforded them.
Several comic journalists had built up a reputation and a large price
per thousand words on the King of Bollygolla alone. Theatres had
benefited by the index of a large, new, unsophisticated public. A piece
at the Waldorf Theatre had run for a whole fortnight, and "The Merry