Peter Paul Pallet.

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BATH CHARACTERS;



SKETCHES FROM LIFE.



nulled t>y T. 1MV1SU.N,
Whitefriart.




(T<Tlee ifitt $atb twites bte

; fetfcee,* ^



Waide * Ro1im.-.



Characters:

OR

SKETCHES FROM LIFE.



BY PETER PAUL PALLET.



WITH SOME OMISSIONS,



AND

MANY ADDITIONS.



THE THIRD EDITION;
EDITED BY TIMOTHY GOOSEQUILL,

NEPHEW OF THE DECEASED AUTHOR.



" Let the gall'd jade wince;
Our withers are unwrung."

Stat nominis umbra.



LONDON:

PRINTED FOR G. WILKIE AND J. ROBINSON,
PATERNOSTER-ROW.

1808.



EXTRACT



FROM THE REGISTRY OF THE CONSISTORIAL PRE-
ROGATIVE COURT OF CANTERBURY.



Codicil to the Will of Zachary Goosequill, late of Grub-
Street, St. Giles's, author deceased.

WHEREAS by my last will and Testa-
ment, bearing date the 1 st of April last,
(a day of the year in which I have always
been accustomed to commence my literary
works, and to transact matters of moment
and importance,) I have given and be-
queathed all my goods, chattels, and cre-
dits, consisting, 1st, of the furniture of
the garret which I inhabit in Grub-Street,
St. Giles's ; 2dly, of the arrears that shall
or may be due to me at the time of my de-
cease, from the weekly allowance made to
me by the booksellers, to whose behoof I



2038618



VI



have engaged my talents, as long as I shall
live; and Sdly, of my chest of MS. pa-
pers, to my loving nephew Timothy Goose-
quill, of Petticoat Lane, journeyman-printer j
now I do hereby declare, that the said be-
quest is not an absolute one, but subject
to his performance of the conditions here-
after specified ; that is to say, Imprimis,
That he faithfully discharge all such of my
funeral expences as cannot be included
within the allowance made by the parish
for my interment. 2dly, That he honestly
liquidate any of my debts that may re-
main unpaid at the time of my decease ;
and which cannot be great or numerous,
as no one, save Tom Treacle the chandler,
has given me credit, since my removal
from the attic to the garret in which I at
present reside ; and Sdly, That as soon as
conveniently may be after my decease, he
publish the third edition of the Bath Cha-
racters, a work which I printed last year,
under the fictitious name of Peter Paul
Pallet, and which he will find in my chest
aforesaid prepared for the press, augment-



VI 1

ed by all such notes and illustrations as I
have collected during my long indisposi-
tion ; together with any additions he may
be capable of making to the same, provi-
ded they be such, as will not diminish aught
from the merit and reputation of the origi-
nal work. And that he may be the better
enabled to make such creditable additions
to it, I give and bequeath to the said Ti-
mothy Goosequill, my full-hot torrid wig,
in which, for these twenty years pastel
have visited my employers the booksellers,
and appeared at the literary table in the
cyder-cellar, hoping that the use of it may
impart to my said nephew a little of the
genius and learning, which its curls have
been accustomed to encircle. And lastly,
I give and bequeath to the said Timothy
Goosequill my silver ink-stand, the gift
of my loving grandfather, (and lately
rescued from the fangs of the pawnbroker,)
trusting, that as often as he dips his pen
therein, he will be reminded of the honest
labours of his uncle, who preferred a gar-
ret, and the cause of truth and virtue, to



VllJ



purple, fine linen, and daily sumptuous
fare, and the prostitution of his talents,
in the service of humbug and vice. And
it is my earnest and last request to my
said dear nephew, that he will more espe-
cially direct the powers of the before-men-
tioned wig and ink-stand to the correction
of the city of Bath, which offers such an
ample field for satire and reprehension, and
never cease endeavouring the reformation
or its manners, till he have effected the
following consummations most devoutly
to be wished ; viz. cured Ramrod of his
solemn foppery, and Rattle of his bare-faced
impudence; taught Mrs. Vehicle a little
modesty, and infused into Sir Gregory
Croaker a scruple of diffidence; purged
Signora Rattana of her vanity and affecta-
tion, and cleansed Bow-wow from indecen-
cy and scurrility; inspired Sir Clerical
Orange with a grain of humility, and divest-
ed Sour-crout of peevishness and sarcasm ;
instructed Borecat in Latin syntax, and
stripped Mixum of medical humbug. That
my said nephew can effect any reformation



IX



iii the remaining characters I have no
hope ; and therefore I do not make it a
condition of this my codicil, or even urge
it as my request that he should exhaust
his time and labour in endeavouring to at-
tain the following impossible objects, viz.
to inspire Chip with a sense of decency; to
cure Drawcansir of pride, pomp, and bigot-
ry, purify Gaffer Smut from the filth of
the JVarburtonian school, and teach him
candor, chanty, and beneficence; to break
Morose of swearing and Scotch snuff; Ve-
getable of card-playing, and servility to
the great; Sable of democracy and long ser-
mons ; and Skipper of petulance, conceit,
and Calvinism.



PREFACE

TO THE THIRD EDITION



ABOUT fifteen years ago, Mr. K ,

of Jezvish fame, published a pamphlet, in
answer to Thomas Paine* s celebrated work,
called the Rights of Man. The pamphlet,
if the title-page might be credited, had
experienced an astonishing sale; for no
less than tzcelve editions of it appeared, by
this manifesto, to have already gone off.
Extensive, however, as this circulation
must have been, the work did not seem to
have attracted any degree of public no-
tice, till it became the subject of a law-
suit; Type the printer, versus K the

author. The defendant, more ready to



Xll



write than to pay, (a case not uncommon
with the fraternity of authors) had de-
murred most unwisely and unfortunately
to the bill of plaintiff, who, probably con-
sidering the former as in his power, by the
lie in the title-page, had scored him up
somewhat too largely for paper and print-
ing. Type, on this, arrested the author
for the amount of his demand, but, no-
thing astounded by so common an event,

K put in bail, and defended the suit.

The cause, after the regular, simple, and
speedy process of declaration and plea,
replication and rejoinder, rebutter and sur-
rebutter, motion for deferring trial, &c.
&c. &c. came on for determination in the
Court of King's Bench, when, after a most
admirable opening by Mr. P 1, into " the
palpable obscure" of which it was impos-
sible for the jury to penetrate; an eloquent

defence by the honourable Mr. E- ,

which drew tears from the court, (particu-
larly that part of his address where he
talked so much and so feelingly about
himself,) and an honest and impartial sum-



xiii



ming up by the chief justice, (to which
alone the pannel was indebted for any idea
of the cause) a verdict was given for the
plaintiff, for the whole of the damages.
And what dost thou think, gentle reader,
the enormous sum amounted to ?

Tzvelve pounds, fifteen shillings, and four-
pence, for the paper and printing of 250
copies of the pamphlet in question, being the
whole number that had ever been printed of
this famous work, which ran through thirteen
editions ! ! !

Now, reader, lest thou shouldst think
that this common trick of the profession
has been played off in the present in-
stance, I hereby most gravely assure thee,
and I call as a witness of my veracity,
the literary goddess Minerva, the pa-
troness of ancient writers, or (as perchance
thou mayest be better acquainted with
her) the solemn goddess of dulness, the
no less benign inspirer of modern authors,
that two large impressions of the following
work have already been consumed by the
taste, discernment, and curiosity of the



XIV

public ; and that the present is a veritable
third edition, of a work, which I have no
doubt will run through as many impressions,
as the celebrated almanacks of the astrolo-
gical Dr. Moore, or the accurate Mr. Par-
tridge. Indeed, as the characters deli-
neated in it appear, for the most part, to
be resolutely determined against all refor-
mation, it will never cease to possess that
point and application, which must always
ensure popularity to a work of satire; at
least as long as its heroes and heroines
shall be permitted to continue their career
of folly, humbug, and farce, in the great
" Limbo of vanity," wherein they at pre-
sent make so conspicuous a figure. The
very circumstance, too, of these ladies
and gentlemen railing at, and preaching
against* the work, must inevitably con-

* Many efforts were made, as I have been informed,
by Drawcansir and Vegetable, to preach down the " Bath
Characters" and its author) and their pulpits rang for
several Sundays after the appearance of the second edi-
tion of the book, with affecting discourses on such sub-
jects as the ninth commandment, <{ Judge not, and thou



XV



tinue to give it currency and renown ;
though it will in no degree lessen their
ingratitude to its author, who has kindly
put into the mouth of each, more wit, hu-
mour, and learning, than all of them to-
gether possess. But every day confirms
the truth of the old Greek adage ;



A///

" No sooner is the favor conferred, than the sense of it
perishes."

With respect to my share in the merit of
the following sheets, I honestly confess
that it is confined to the additipu of a few

shalt not be judged/' &c. &c. The seraphic Doctor (as
the schoolmen called Thomas Aquinas) had commenced
an elaborate series of discourses, to prove not only that
all scandal, satire, drollery, &c. was very wicked, but
that all nice attention to the practices and conduct of
our neighbour should be prohibited. His glorious ca-
reer, however, was checked by a second visit from Lady
Lofty, who suggested that these doctrines were not the
most agreeable ones to the ears of his fashionable audi-
tors ; as they evidently trenched upon the undoubted
privileges of well-bred people, that of chatting scandal
of their bosom-friends, and cutting up the reputations of
their acquaintance and neighbours.



XVI



notes, and the omission of some characters,
which (though painted to the life) are too
horrible to be brought forward in a work
intended for general perusal.

London, June 1st, 1808.



POETICAL INVOCATION



TWO MASTERS OF THE CEREMONIES AT
BATH.



MONARCHS of etiquette! to whom pertain
Sport's glorious rule, and Folly's sacred reign j
The proud pre-eminence o'er Fashions crew,
Flirts, fops, and coxcombs, beauties old and new j
Whose jiat, uncontroulable, can bid
The ball's conclusion, tho' the dance amid,
And, by the power of the magic watch*,
The sprightly sons of capering can catch
E'en in the act of springing from thejloor,
And bid them capers cut that night no more j
Rulers of Tweedle-dum, and Tweedle-dee !
On whose behest depends the hour of tea-,

* The mode of announcing the fatal hour at which the ball is
to conclude at the upper and lower rooms, is, by the M. CX'g
holding vp kif watch; when, in a moment, as if the Gorgon's head
had been exhibited, every fiddler's arm is arrested, and no furlhtr
rtrps taken for the evening.





XV111

Whose varied sway extends o'er cap and hat,
Now orders this, and now prohibits that* ;
Commands the lappet\ gracefully to flow
From females fine who tread the minuets slow ;
And bids, when these are o'er, the troops advance
To mingle in the mazy country-dance ;
To whom belong the ceaseless, simp'ring smile,
The well-bred compliment, devoid of guile;
The pliant bow; the ready He ! he ! he !
And all the forms of Bath civility;
The soft kid-glove ; the thickly-powder'd crest ;
The bright medallion flaming on the breast ;
Depending, decent, from the button-hole,
With emblems designating high controulj j
Protect an humble scribbler, who pursues
With timid footstep, j4nstey's\\ deathless muse $

* The difference between the dress and fancy balls, as they are
called, seems to be this, that at the former, ladies can appear only
in particular chalking, at the latter in any cloathing, or none at all,

f On the benefit nights of the M. C., when the ladies are in-
dulged with minuets, such females as wish the distinguished
honor of this exhibition, add, to the other decorations of their
well-furnished heads, a pair of long laffets.

% The gold medallion for the M. C. of the upper, rooms dis-
plays on one side the figure of Minerva, symbolical of the Wisdom
requisite for the office ; with the inscriptions, Decus el lulamen,
(signifying his 'being the fountain of honor and guardian of the
fair) and Dulce est desipere in loco, or, the rooms are proper places to
play the fool in. The medallion worn by the M. C. of the lower
rooms, has on the obverse, a Venus almost naked, with the motto,
yenus decens, alluding to the degree ofcloat/dng which will be consi-
dered as consistent with modesty.

|| The witty author of the New Bath Gvidt.



XIX



For once regard a poet-aster's call,
And smile benign on your admirer Paul.

But let me individually address
With homage due each single mightiness;
Nor group such lofty characters together,
Like asses coupled with the self -same tether ;
Or surly beagles, snarling at the chain
That binds, with single link, their collars twain.

First then, to thou, whose widely-sweeping rule
Includes Bath's crimson seats* , and Chelt'nam's humbler

stool\,

I lift my lay, thou second lest of kings 1
Reigning supreme o'er cold and tepid springs;
Presiding, with a kind divided care,
O'er female motions here, and female motions there !

And thou, who in subordinate career,
Direct'st, with equal glory, pleasure's lower sphere ;
Ordering, with self-same gravity of face,
Th' important points of partners, tune, and place;
Whose busy eye, the acth'efeet among,
Now tells that this is right, and that is wrong :
Who go'st, when Cancer reigns, from Bladud's pomps,
To watch, at Margate, ladies wash their . :

* Alluding to the superb furniture of the up'per rooms,
f I am inclined to think that a droll double entendre lies conceal-
ed in this word. My uncle was a funny man : he had been at
Cheltenham, experienced the efficacy of its waters himself, and
seen their influence upon others ; and his mind was full of asso-
ciations, produced there by the impressions which had been made
upon his different semes by the effects of these salutary springs.

EDITOR.
c2



Moaarcfis of aH tliat's great, andoiV, aiwt/<rov

Oh ! singly and united, hear my pray'r E

Complacent on my learned labours look - T

Bid all your subjects purchase Palkt's book ;.

Protect its pages from each envious storm,,

And PATRONIZE THE CHARACTEESYEFORMr



PROCEMIUM,

TO THE FIRST EDITION-



READER,

WE have discovered in our profound
literary researches that in attacking folly
and vice, ridicule is oftentimes a more use-
ful instrument than grave reprehension:

Ridiculum acri
Forties et melius magnas plerumque secatjes^

and that the lash of satire will penetrate to
the feelings of those whom the most serious
remonstrances would not put to the blush.
Frequent sojournments in Bath have
convinced us, there is no place within the
dominions of our liege Lord the King, which
so much requires the application of such a
caustic, as this populous city; where vanity
reigns triumphant; and folly, humbug, and



XX11

imposture, carry their heads too high to be
reached by any other weapon than the shaft
of ridicule.

This conviction has induced us to vo-
lunteer our services in the cause, and
prompted an endeavour to encourage virtue,
by raising the laugh against her adversary.
It has emboldened us, to commit, for the
first time*, our effusions to the press; and

* I know not whether it proceeded from the innate
modesty of my uncle, who was in truth a very diffident
man, or from his fear of encountering the critics in
propria persona ; but so it happened, that all the publi-
cations with which he favored the world (and, as his pro-
fession and sole dependence was authorship, they must
have been numerous to have supplied him even with salt
and cheese) were dismissed from the press under fict it ious
names, and with some little circumstances in the preface,
that might interest the compassion of the reader ; such
as, " that \tvfash\sjirst effort in print;" that rr he was com-
pelled to publish by the intreaty of his friends, &c. &c."
Asurly critic might call this proceeding disingenuous; and
accuse my relation of a falsity in his first pages. But I
will be bold to say, if his Exordiums contained an untruth,
they were the only parts of his works to which that
charge might be applied; as he scorned the common
practice of modern writers in this respect, poets, his-
torians, and biographers, that of stuffing every page with



xxiii

to send them out as adventurers upon the
stormy ocean of the world. Not, indeed,
without a palpitating heart; for we have
often been ready to condemn the rashness
of our determination; and to exclaim with
the foolish Corydon,

Eheu! quid volui misero mihi ? Floribus austrum
Perditus, et liquidis immisi fontibus apros.

But as we had entered into a creditable
service, and resolved to challenge the same
honor which Cleland attributes to Pope,
"not to write a line of any man, which
through gUilt, through shame, or through
fear, through variety of fortune, or change
of interest, we should be ever unwilling to
own," so we have been able to conquer our
alarms, and to present our virgin muse (if
there be one whose tutelage extends to
dialogues), intacta puella, to the public.
Far be it from us, therefore, to deprecate
candid criticism, or to crave aught at the
hands of the reviewers, save justice seasoned

sentiments that never were feltj transactions that never
happened; and events that never occurred. EDITOR.



XXIV

with mercy. Against one set of censors only
we beg leave to put in our eternal protest
the wretched hirelings of the A i J n
Review, who have neither sagacity to de-
tect blemishes, taste to discover beauties,
nor liberality to bestow the fair meed of
praise on any writer whose principles are
not in unison with their own mean, con-
fined, and despicable opinions*.

POSTSCRIPT.

Though we cannot venture to assert with
a great wit, " that the sentiments of our
speakers are so peculiar, and the touches of
character so masterly, as to preclude the
necessity of a key;" yet we flatter ourselves
that our sketches bear such a resemblance

* How offensive is truth to those who have no taste
for her charms ! Even this just representation of the
publication in question, and its conductors, so inflamed
the indignation of the A J reviewers, as to destroy the
little good-breeding they possessed, and excite them to
give my uncle the lie! But he, good man, only smiled at
their incivility, and contented himself with the reflection
that the abuse of such men, is the most unqualified praise.

EDITOR.



XXV



to their originals, as will enable the reader,
without much consideration, to put the cap
upon its right owner throughout. Should
the likenesses, however, prove less striking
to others than to ourselves, we beg that this
ill-success of the painter may not be attri-
buted to our having accompanied the por-
traits with circumstances which do not
belong to them ; as we pledge ourselves,
that almost every anecdote is legitimately
connected with the person of whom it is
told, and that most of the incidents intro-
duced are genuine facts.

London, November 1st, 1807.



PREFACE

TO THE SECOND EDITION.



Ecce iterum Crispinus.

IF Peter Paul Pallet were to profess
himself otherwise than exceedingly de-
lighted at the demand for a second Edition
of his Dialogues, he would justly incur the
suspicion of having been longer and mofe
deeply initiated into the mysteries of author-
ship than he affirms himself to be ; and
of having acquired that ultimate trick of
the profession,

That last, best refuge of an author's art* j

an apparent contempt of criticism, whilst its
infliction produces the most poignant an-
guish; and a seeming indifference about the

* " That last infirmity of noble minds."

MILTON.



XXVlll



fate, of a book, which its writer would give
a little finger to hear had become popular,
and met with a good sale.

As Peter however is too great a novice
in the triumphs and sorrows of publication,
either to feel, or affect an apathy, which
nothing but veteran experience can pro-
duce, he does not scruple to avow his satis-
faction at the success of his first essay, nor
to congratulate himself on his having ex-
cited that attention in the Bath public,
which his correspondents there assure him
has been manifested.

That the Dialogues should have occa-
sioned much indignation and bustle in the
high-life parties, amongst those things of
fashion which throng the more elevated
walks of polished society, and disgrace and
deform it by their folly and their vice, is
indeed a consummation which Peter de-
voutly wished; though his modesty (for a
young author may be supposed capable of
possessing even this quality) would not
permit him to expect it. The canvas was
intended to present likenesses that should



XXIX

abash pride, and mortify vanity; and it is
no small gratification to the painter, to dis-
cover that he has not, in this respect^
failed in his design. The whip was merited;
and, " thanks to the gods, its thong has
done its duty." But, on the other hand,
though he exults in the information that
vice and imposture, coxcombs of both
sexes, and vain pretenders of all professions,
have felt the severity of his satire, yet
nothing would have given him more serious
uneasiness, than to have been obliged to
consider himself as having, in any one
instance, put virtue to the blush, or wound-
ed, in the slightest degree, the feelings of
honest worth. Unknown as Peter is to
every one, and the sole depositary of his
own secret, he may venture, without the
imputation of vanity, to assert *, that he
has too true a taste for the charms of moral
beauty, in whatever characters they appear,

* If I am a vain man, my gratification lies within a
narrow circle j I am the sole depositary of my own
secret, and it shall perish with me.

JUNIUS.



XXX

ever to contemplate them without admira-
tion, or mention them without respect ;
and rather than dip his brush in the gall of
unmerited censure, or the poison of slander,
he would instantly throw it from him for
ever. He deeply feels the sentiment of
the poet, and cordially joins in his exe-
cration of every attack upon moral ex-
cellence ;

" Curs'd be the verse, how well soe'er it flow,
Which tends to make one VIRTUOUS MAN my foe."

If it be thought that he has been too
hard on the callings of divinity and physic,
let it be remembered, that as these voca-
tions are more fully peopled than the other
walks of professional life, they therefore
present a proportionably greater number of
subjects for the application of the satyrist's
caustic. The EXEMPLARY DIVINE, and

the SKILFUL, HONEST, AND HUMANE PHY-
SICIAN (and many such may be found in
Bath), are, and always have been, sacred
and honorable characters, and justly con-
sidered, not only as beneficial, but as es,-



XXXI

seiitially necessary to society; characters
too respectable to be exalted by the eulogy
of an anonymous author, or rendered ridi-
culous by his satire. They carry them-
selves far above the reach of the light
arrows of wit, and may smile at every vain
attempt to diminish their credit or lower
their dignity. But not so with the HOCUS
POCUS of these professions. The scourge
will easily reach them, and they ought .to
smart under its infliction. They have no
claim to the mercy of the satyrist; nor can
they,' bid defiance to his ridicule, because
their pretensions are false, and their object
is delusion : for as neither POMP nor PRIDE,
BIGOTRY nor PROFLIGACY, can constitute
the -AMTMJIN IEPET2 or blameless priest;
so it is neither DASHING IGNORANCE, nor

SOLEMN IMPUDENCE ', a WCC bit of SCOTCH

PHELOSOPHEE; a smattering of HUME'S
METAPHYSICS, nor even a large portion of
MODERN INFIDELITY, that can convert a
stupid, or pert empiric, into an HPH2
MAXAflN or excellent medical practitioner*.

* The author is anxious, also, that it may not be
thought he means to ridicule the praise-worthy exertions



XXX11



Which, in spite of scholiasts and editors,
critics and grammarians, he will boldly
translate,

" A good physician is the best of men."


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