Mr. Myers said he was surprised at the re-
fusal to pay thirty shillings for the job : indeed,
he alwajs thought it impossible to perform a
thing of the kind : and he believed that to be
the general belief; for was it not usual for
people to say, when they heard a bouncing lie,
next comes a horse to be shaved, and a monkey
holds the bason. [Roars of laughter.]
The plaintiff said that it was a very hard
matter to shave some parts of a horse ; because
the skin here and there, upon being tickled,
itchi'd very much. He was very near getting,
at one time, a settler for life ! it was ' all but'
a Coroner's Inquest. His dear wife had
nearly become a widow, and his children left
fatherless. He, herefore, hoped that the
Commissioners would take that circumstance
into their most serious consideration ; not that
he asked for any thing like damages to be
awarded to him, but to show to the Com-
missioners, to the world, to the whole race of
horse-dealers, from one end of the kingdom to
the other, that his claim was well founded,
just, and honourable. It might also operate
as a precedent, in future what sum ought to
be paid for SHAVING A HORSE ; and save a
great deal of argument at the bar, whenever
a case like the above stated be determined by
the Big Wigs ! For his choice, he would
rather go over an army of soldiers, for they
were steady, and no mistake, to the word " at
tention," soldiers pay the greatest respect
and deference ; but what could a simple
Barber do against an obstropolis horse ; an
animal that frequently would not answer the
whip; play tricks in spite of the curb; kick
over the traces ; and * bolt' right away from
all his drivers, and no help for it. But
C2
TIERCE EGAN'S BOOK OF SPORTS.
to shave a horse was any thing but a treat :
one pill was a dose ; and if he could not use
his razors to a better purpose than horse shav-
ing, he would let them get rusty, and throw
stones to a pavior. He would have no more
of it. [The defendant was then ordered to
pay thirty shillings and costs.] u And not
cheap, neither," said Mr. Wells; " You
have not only made me pay for sharing my
horse extravagantly ; but you have shaved my
pockets into the bargain, you have cleaned
me out. I never was so much lathered before
in my life ; and this Knight of the Block'
has beaten me against my will.
[The plaintiff, on pocketing the cash, said,
with a smile, " Well, never mind, Mr. Wells,
come as often as you like, without your horse,
and I'll shave you for nothing."]
The finale to this 'Shaving Case,' was quite
theatrical: indeed, it is not 100 to 1, but
either Mr. Moncrieff, or Mr. Buxton, do not
seize upon the subject for theatrical represen-
tation, and it makes its appearance, with
great eclat at the Adelphi or Coburg Theatres.
The ' Knights of the Block' were crowing
like cocks at the successful termination of the
event ; and a proposition was made to cheer
no, to * chair' the eloquent * Dicky Gossip' to
his residence ; but his modesty and good
sense would not let him partake of that mark
of distinction which his friends, in their good
nature, wished to confer upon his humble
efforts. Mr. Field took his leave, like other
great orators in the public cause, by observ-
ing, " That he had done no more than his
duty, and although he did not like to ruff
himself off, yet he might aver, that if he had
not powder-ed. his opponent, he had, never-
theless, shaved him clean respecting his errors
of payment for SHAVING A HORSE; and that
his antagonist had had a fair Fitld to try the
contest in ; but that he had shown himself
little more than a Block-head, to suffer his
t-onscience to be summoned into Court upon
such a subject."
THE HORSE DEALER.
We are not sufficiently aware whether the
facetious Tommy Hood has been out-jockied,
or the * double' put upon him, by any of the
dealers in horse-flesh in London, respecting
4 soundness,' but, it does appear that his opin-
ions are not only sound about those ' good sort*
of folks to be met with in stable yards, Smith-
liekl market, &c., yet he endeavours to get tho
whip-hand of them before the public, by laying
* his lash' on their hides, like ' cut and come
again.' He observes, without ceremony, that
a " horse-dealer is a double-dealer, for he deal-
eth more in double meanings than your punster.
When he giveth his word it signifieth little,
howbeit it standeth for two significations. He
putteth his promises, like his colts, in a break.
Over his mouth, Truth, like the turnpike man,
writeth up 'No Trust.' Whenever he speaketh,
his spoke hath more turns than the fore wheel.
He telleth lies, not white only, or black,
but likewise gray, bay, bald, chesnut, brown,
cream, and roan pyebald, and skewbald. He
sweareth as many oaths out of court as any
man, and more in ; for he will swear two ways
about a horse's dam. If, by God's grace, he
be something honest, it is only a dapple, for
he can be fair and unfair at once. He hath
much imagination, for he selleth a complete
set of capital harness of which there be no
traces. He advertiseth a coach, warranted ou
its first wheels, and truly the hind pair are
wanting to the bargain. A carriage that hath
travelled twenty summers and winters, he de-
scribeth well-seasoned. He knocketh down
machine-horses that have been knocked up on
the road, but is so tender of heart to his
animals, that he partcth with none for a fault ;
" for," as he sayeth, " blindness or lameness
be misfortunes." A nag, proper only for dog's
meat he writeth down, but crieth up, " fit to
go to any hounds;" or as may be, " would suit
a timid gentleman." String-halt he calleth,
" grand action," and kicking, " lifting the feet
well up." If a mare have the farcical disease,
he nameth her u out of Comedy," and selleth
Blackbird for a racer, because he hath a run-
ning thrush. Horses that drink only water
he justly warranteth to be " temperate," and
if dead lame, declareth them u good in all their
paces," seeing that they can go but one. Roar-
ing he calleth " sound," and a steed that high
bloweth in running, he compareth to Eclipse,
for he outstrippeth the wind. Another might
be entered at a steeple-chase, for why ? He
is as fast as a church. Thorough-pin with
him is synonymous with " perfect leg." If a
nag cougheth, 'tis " a clever hack." If his
knees be fractured, he is " well broke for gig
or saddle." If he reareth, he is '' above six-
teen hands high." If he hath drawn a tierce
in a cart, he is a good fencer. If he biteth he
shows good courage; and he is playful merely,
though he should play the devil. If he runneth
away he calleth him " off the Gretna road, and
has been used to carry a lady." If a cob
stumbleth he considereth him a true goer, and
addeth, " the proprietor parteth from him to
go abroad." Thus, without much profession
of religion, yet is he truly Christian-like in
practice, for he lealeth not in detraction,
and would not disparage the character even of
a brute. Like unto Love, he is blind unto
all blemishes, and seeth only a virtue, mean-
while he gazeth at a vice. He taketh the kick
of a nag's hoof like a love-token, saying only,
before standers by, " Poor fellow, he knoweth
me !" and is content rather to pass as a bad
rider than that the horse should be held restive,
or over mettlesome, which discharges him
from its back ! If it hath bitten him besides,
and moreover bruisedhis limb against a coach-
wheel, then, constantly returning good for evil,
he giveth it but the better character, and re-
commendeth it before all the studs in his
stable. In short, the worse a horse may be,
the more he chaunteth his praise, like a crow
that croweth over Old Ball, whose lot it is on-
a common to meet with a common lot.
PIERCE EGAN'S BOOR OF SPORTS.
21
TRICKS OK HORSE DEALERS.
In order to dispose of a diseased horse with
facility, says Mr. Youat in his Veterinary
Lectures, they deem it expedient to conceal
the existence of glanders, to accomplish
which the dealers are said sometimes to give
a brushing gallop, in order to clear the air
passages ; they then inject a solution of alum,
or sulphuric acid, up the nostrils, by the
astringent power of which the discharge is
for a while stayed. The animal is doubtless
tortured ; but I can hardly believe that the
astringent effect would continue so long, or
in fact could be established, from the im-
probability of being able to bring the liquid
in contact with the diseased surface. \Vhen
the discharge is from one nostril alone, some
are said to introduce a piece of sponge too
far up that nostril ; there will still remain,
however, the indurated and adherent gland,
or the lividness of chronic glanders, or the
intense inliammation produced by the caustic
that was injected ; either of these would ex-
cite suspicion, and, if the examiner is at all
on his guard lead to certain detection.
THE Doc HILLY.
This celebrated Hero of the canine race, to
the great joy of the rats, lost his wind on Mon-
day, February 23, 1829, in Panton-street,
Jlaymarket. The body-snatchers and dog-
frigger* are outdone upon this suit, and the
remains of Billy, instead of being obscured in
c/ v, are preserved in an elegant glass case and
gilt frame. The Ex-Champion, Tom Cribb,
who liked BILLY when alive, still likes him
although told out. Billy was the property of
Charley Aistrop when he last barked out an
adieu; although Cribb was his tender nurseup
to the time when he gave up the ghost. The rats,
it is said, are extremely glad to find that Billy
has left no successor to give them a nip !
MONODY ON THE ABOVE RAT KILLER.
Not H bark was heard but a hideous grow?.
Uurst now and then or a piteous howl-
( For grief will have vent, in man or brute,
When the cause is great, and the sense acute.)
Not a bark was heard but a mournful whine
.Broke in cadence slow from the race canine ;
Arid the prick'd-up ear, and the wagging tail,
"Were drooping low 'mid the geu'ral.wail.
'Not a bark was heard for the warlike hound
Had ceas'd o'er the hedge and ditch to bound,
And the timid stag, with his antlers tall,
Shook no more at the sound of the huntsman's call.
Not a bark was heard for the mastiff bluff
Had inactive crouch'd, and his voice so gruff
Was hush'd, as the wind on a summer's eve,
So o'erwhelming the pang when mastiffs grieve.
Not a bark was heard e'en the snarling cur
Had his i varies clos'd and without demur
The dustman, and beggar, and sireep let pass,
So down in the mouth the whole race, alas 1
Not a bell was toll'd not a shop was shut,
Nor a searcher deign'd her Jives to put
On the lifeless corse of the Prince of Dogs,
Whose history every history flogs.
Not a bark was he?-d but A lively squeak
*V as echoed from rat to rat (a whole week),
Frcrn Whitechapel church to Piccadilly,
" Long life to grim Death for boning BILLY !"
DAFFY.
THE COUNTRY MANAGER.
" I could a tale untold, whose lightest word
Would
SHAKSFEARE.
11 The manager welcomed our hero to Scanty
Corner with a most flattering smile, and a
hearty shake of the hand, observing to PERE-
GRINE, "Your lordship's right welcome to
Denmark." SCREW was a complete actor in
every part he undertook, excepting characters
upon the stage. No man knew his cue better
than the Brown Paper Manager. He was
always perfect without the aid of a prompter
The entrances and exits of life he had marked
with a shrewdness scarcely equalled, but
never excelled, by any of his brethren of the
suck and buskin. SCREW had self-possession
to the very echo ; but \\isfeelings, except pro-
fessionally, were like the rock on which the
rain that printless falls : yet he could laugh
and cry herever those incidents were set
down in his manuscript, and sometimes with
tolerable humour, and even pathos. In his
portraiture of bronze no artist could compete
with him. His stock was so immense that
he could have furnished twenty cross-exam-
ining Old Bailey Barristers, without missing
a single drop of it. In pursuit of a be-speak^
he was not to be denied with the common,
courtesies of lifo : rebuffs to him were never
remembered ; the door shut against his re-
peated calls was no offence; but he solicited,
solicited, and solicited again, till the besieged
party had no other resource left to get rid of
his importunities but by granting him his re-
quest. He was never seen to blush in the
whole course of his eventful history ; and
often candidly conf % ssed he could not repre-
sent such a passage, however strongly it
might have been marked by the author. Mr.
SCREW and his name were never at variance,
admitting the extremity of the ptm. He
was a most careful treasurer to himself, and
always had a good balance in his own favour.
His superior knowledge of accounts, in di-
viding the shares of the receipts of his house
between the company was above the compre-
hension of all his performers: the Accountant
General would have had no chance with Mr.
Screw; and COCKER driven out of the field.
He was prepared at all points to treat with a
stage-struck youth : Mr. SCREW baited his
trap so snsnaringly that his heroes were
caught, for a time, as fast as if they had been
held by a vice ; and when the delusion had
subsided a little, the Brown Paper Manager
was so well versed in the arts of dissimulation
as to obtain a conquest a second time, by per-
suading his " fresh caught victim" that he
would form a belter judgment on the merits
of the case when time had mellowed his
opinions. The weakness of youth answered
his purpose ; and to manage the unsuspecting
person was mere routine to Mr. Screw. His
travels from town to town had done more for
him towards obtaining a perfect knowledge
of mankind, and an intimate acquaintance
22
PIERCE EGAN'S BOOK OF SPORTS.
with men and things, than the nobleman with
his tutor at his elbow, traversing foreign
countries in search of information.
PROTEUS was exactly the sort of per-
sonage to suit the calculations of Mr.
SCREW. PEREGRINE was fiery, ardent, am-
bitious ; bent upon a peculiar object, and
not to be thwarted from his purpose by
any trifling obstacle. " Mr. PROTEUS, per-
mit me to show you the theatre/' said Screw,
" and introduce you to your brother performers
in the green room.* You will lind amongst
<hem several actors of immense talent. In my
theatre, some of the great dons who are now
" strutting and fretting their hour " upon the
boards of the Theatres Royal, made their
first appearance as actors. I have, I assure
you of the fact, Mr. PROTEUS, taught the best
of them to speak, to walk, to sigh, to laugh,
to start, to fence, to make love, to weep, and
to do every thing that elevates the profession
above all the other arts : but when I have
done all this, sir, so ungrateful have these
persons behaved to me that they have left my
theatre for other engagements : the truth is, I
am too liberal in bringing young men for-
ward : I put them into all the good parts : I
make no reserve for myself, like all other man-
agers : indeed, I am content to double^ any
character, and only anxious to make the most
of every little bit. I have almost sworn that
I would never teach another person the
rudiments of our great art that art, sir
which makes the audience mistake art for
nature : but I believe I must make an excep-
tion in your favour, Mr. PROTEUS : you have
been so strongly recommended to my protec-
tion." You flatter me, Mr. SCREW, I am
afraid," replied PEREGRINE. " No ! upon
my honour, I do not. However, I have
merely to mention that Mr. Truncheon is my
first tragedian, but he gives way to Mr. PRO-
TEUS, owing to the brilliant character he has
heard of his abilities. He is a Talma, a
Kemble, a Kean, and a Young : that is to
say, Mr. PROTEUS, he has a small taste of all
*hose great actors combined in his own person.
" Miss Made-up is my heroine : she is posi-
tively an actress of all work ! a female Ros-
cius. She is own sister to MELPOMENE and
* Much as I have been about theatres, and inti-
mately as I have been acquainted with the sinis of
Thespis, it never occurred to my mind to inquire the
origin of the title of the GREEN ROOM ; but in Mr.
Screw's company no explanation was required by P-
REGRINE. It appeared to the astonishment of Proteus,
most certainly, a green room, the grass growing under
his feet. A thin partition only separated the per-
formers from a couple of animals belonging to the
dairy. It was the cow-house contiguous to the barn,
which had been engaged for the occasion, and fitted
up, for a few nights only, by Mr. Screw as a theatre.
Peregrine, on entering this most delectable recess,
exclaimed, in the words of Bloorofield
The fields his study Kature was his book.
t By the word donhle is meant the necessity which
often occurs in travelling companies, of the same in-
dividual personating two characters in the same per-
formance.
THALIA. Miss Made-up is a Siddons in the
highest walk of the drama ; and a perfect
JORDAN in the paths of comedy. She is a
delightful creature. The fact is, Mr. PRO-
TEUS, she is too beautiful for my theatre ; and
I ought to have ten police officers in the pit
to keep the gallants in order. You will make
a fine Romeo to her Juliet. And I am only
candid when 1 say, beware of her charms.
In the balcony scene she is irresistible.
' Alack ! there lies more peril in thine eye
Than twenty of their swords ? ,ook thou but sweet,
And I am proof against their enmity.*
" Then, sir, we have Miss SCREAM-OUT,
who takes the lead in my operas. She
is all nature. She despises art. You
might encore her twenty times ; she is so
strong, and so passionately fond of singing,
that she never tires. Miss SCREAM-OUT has
done more, in her professional exertions, Mr.
PROTEUS, than ever Mrs. Billington did, or
Catalani into the bargain. She has performed
for me at twenty fairs, and sung thirty songs
a day No, no, I beg pardon, I should have
said towns. Her pitch is very high ; and she
can descend with the utmost ease and rapidity,
to the lowest note in the scale. But I suppose
I shall not be able to keep her : those fellows
from the Italian Opera have been buzzing
about her lately, with the most tempting
offers to sing upon their stage. I have been
in grief about it for the last week ; and did
not sleep a wink during the night, so restless
have I been upon the subject. I really don't
know who would be a manager, Mr. PROTEUS,
" In my ballet department I have a treasure
indeed. Miss KICK-HER-HEELS is not to be
equalled in the United Kingdom : I have seen
them all. I am an old manager, Mr. PROTEUS,
I have the whole corps-de-ballet, as it were,
under my eye ; and most of them have danced
upon my stage, though I suppose they are too
proud now to own it. The attitudes of PARI-
SOT were superlatively good ; she was grace-
ful, elegant, and fascinating: and DEL CARD,
in her line, delightful ; but, nevertheless, give
me Miss KICK-HER-HEELS against any dancer
I ever saw. Her Columbine is far superior to
the once celebrated Mrs. Wybrow ; and the
Messrs. Adams and Dennets, the cracks of
their day, must yield the palm to my heroine.
On the slackwire, the rope, the ground, and
cutting in the air, she is a none-such ( For
a hornpipe, sir, rely upon my word, there was
not a jack tar throughout the fleet but would
have sooner forfeited a fifty pound share of
his prize money than have missed the never-to-
be-forgotten steps of the lively Miss KICK-
HER-HEELS. All Portsmouth was in an
uproar during her stay ; and Nancy Dawson.
looked upon as a fool, by comparison with my
lady. Here again I must be candid, Mr.
PROTEUS, and beg of you to be upon your
guard against the very powerful attraction?
of Miss KICK-HER-HEELS !
" Then last, but not the least, in the coin*
PIERCE EGAN'S BOOK OF SPORTS.
pany is my low comedian, Mr. EPHRAIM MUG-
CUTTER. The history of the stage cannot
boast such an original cutter of mugs as
Ephraim. He is a century before all the
actors in the kingdom, living or dead : Tom
Weston, Shuter, Noakes, Dodd, Parsons,
Edwin, Munden, Dowton, Blanchard, Ox-
berry, Matthews, and Emery, all very great
men in their line I admit, but little ones when
placed in competition with Ephraim. With
as much pliability as putty, he can cry on one
half of his face, and laugh on the other side
at the same time. I will back him at odds
against the Emperor of F\CE-makers (Mr.
Liston) ; in fact, Mr. PROTEUS, I have been
strongly pressed, nay, offered a handsome
premium by the artists of the metropolis to
lot Mr. Mug-Cutter stand to them for a study.
He has a fine face, abounding with expression,
and full of capabilities, in which may be
witnessed, highly tinted, all the great passions
of LE BRUN. Mug-Cutter is the very fool,
too, that follows the advice of SHAKSPEARE :
he speaks no more than what is set down for
him by his author, except when I give him
the word ad libitum. His comprehension is
lively in the extreme; and inslantly lie un-
(lf-i-.sf;ui(ls every move and wink of my ejetf.
^fug-Cutter is a truly valuable fellow for
* pulling them in:' 1 must be permitted to
correct myself, Mr. PROTEUS, I should have
said, to invite an audience to witness the per-
formances at my theatre. But after all, the
greatest quality he possesses, in my mind, is
his gratitude for the instruction he has re-
ceived under my tuition : the Bank of En-
gland, sir, could not tempt Mug-Cutter to
leave my stage. Whenever he lets loose the
reins of his imagination, my powers fail me, I
must not attempt to give even an outline of
his comic humour. At a country wake the
other day, in grinning through a horse
collar, for the prize of a pound of tobacco,
several of the country boobies went into fit's
with laughter. Mug-Cutter was really great,
Mr. PROTEUS, in the collar; he had not the
trick of the stage to second his efforts, and it
was a rich portrait of nature. To sum up his
character in little, the Blue Devils are put to
llight in his presence ; the malady of the HYPO-
CHONDRIAC is forgotten in his company ; and
the phrase, so incessantly made use of by the
French, of ennui, is never to be experienced
within one hundred yards of Mr. MuG-Cuffer/
" I had almost forgotten to introduce to
your notice, Mr. PROTEUS, my leader of the
band, Mr. TEAZER. He is a perfect ORPHEUS
in his line, although he cannot draw sticks
and stones after him. I never exaggerate
sir, I assure you, but itis truly extraordinary,
as well as laughable, to witness the effects of
his violin upon the nerves of the country
people in general. During our circuit the
other day, in removing from one town to
another, we stopped at an inn to partake of
some refreshment, when Mr. TEAZER took out
his violin, and played two or three tunes so
sweetly as to occasion in an instant a general
movement throughout the house. The land-
lady could not stand still in her bar; and
mine host approached his customers in the
most ludicrous style ; it was a hop, skip, and
jump, with the waiters ; the daughters of the
innkeeper left off mixing brandy and water
to join in a reel ; and the whole of the com-
pany kept nodding their heads, and shaking
their feet, to keep time to the ravishing
instrument of Mr. TEAZER : such are the
powers of my leader. To my taste, Mr.
PROTEUS, and it is said of me, whether I de-
serve the compliment or not, that I possess
an excellent ear for music, the celebrated
Giordani, Yiotti, Pinto, Salomon, Cramer,
Weischell, and Spagnioletti were mere apolo-
gies, compared with Mr. TEAZER. His
touches are so exquisitely fine, and his swell
prodigiously grand and imposing. Handel
would have been delighted with his know-
ledge of harmony ; Mozart captivated by the
brilliancy of his tones ; and Storace in ecstasy
with the rapidity of his execution. Yet,
nevertheless, I am sorry to say that Mr.
Teazer is too fond of a 4 drop,' which might
prove a very distressing circumstance to my
feelings, had I not brought my company to
such a iiish pitch of excellence as to be
enabled to perform an opera without the aid
of music ! We can do stnui^e things at country
theatres, Mr. PROTEUS, which the metropolitan
places of amusement dare not attempt.
" In pantomimes we are quite at home ;
and, if our harlequin is not quite so elegant
in his attitudes as those displayed by the
lather of Oscar Byrne in the party-coloured
hero; so spirited as Jack Bologna; or so
lively and active as Ellar, there is no ballet
performer can strip him of his laurels on the
ground. His pedigree is good ; indeed it is
of the first quality in the pantomimic line : he