many, in consequence, were often induced to seek Danger.
"A RARE MATHEMATICAL WIND."
The late Professor Vince, one moniing (several trees
having been blown down the night previous), meeting a
friend in the walks of St. John's College, Cambridge, was
accosted with, "How d'ye do, Sir? quite a blustering wind
this." — "Yes," answered Vince, "it's a rare mathematical
wind." — "Mathematical wind!" exclaimed the other;
"How so?" — "Why," replied Vince, " it has extracted a
gi-eat many roots !"
MILTON'S BEAUTY.
The beauty of Milton, during the period that he pursued
his studies at the University of Cambridge, and to a much
more subsequent period, was a subject upon which his
friends frequently dwelt. Wandering one day during the
summer, as was his custom, beyond the precincts of the
university, he at length became heated and fatigued, and,
seeking the shade of a spreading tree, he laid himself down
to meditate, and soon fell asleep. During the time that
he slumbered, two foreign ladies passed near the spot in a
184 fac£ti;e cantabrigienses.
carriage, who, astonished at the loveliness of his appear-
ance, in the heat of their admiration alighted, and viewing
him, as they thought, un})orccivcd, the youngest, who was
extremely handsome, drew a pencil from her pocket, and
having written some lines upon a piece of paper, put it
with a trembling hand into Milton's. They then entered
their carriage and proceeded on their journe3^ Some of
his academic friends had silently observed his adventure,
undiscovered by the fair admirers, not knowing it was their
friend Milton who was unconsciously playing the enchanter :
but, a])proaching the spot, they recognised him, and,
awaking him, told him what had passed. Milton opened
the paper, and, to his no small surprise, read the following
verses from the Italian poet, Guarini : —
" Occhi, stelle mortali,
Ministri de mici mali,
Se chiusi m'accidete,
Apperti che farere ?"
TRANSLATED.
O eyes ! O mortal stars ! I find ye
Authors of lovely pangs that blind me :
If thus when shut you've power to wound me.
Open, alas ! how hadst thou bound me ?
Milton was eager to discover the fair incognita, and it
was probably this incident which afterwards carried him to
Italy, in hopes of discovering her abode, but in vain. The
idea that Milton had formed of his unknown admirer so
fanned his poetic fervour, that his own times, the present,
and the latest posterity, must propably feel indebted to it
for several of the most beautiful and impassioned passages
in his Paradise Lost ; and from the above incident, per-
haps, he caught the idea of that inimitable poem.
FACETI^ CANTABRIGIENSES. . 185
FICTION AND TRUTH.
WaUer, the poet, who was bred at King's College, Cam-
bridge, wrote a fine panegyi-ic on Cromwell, when he
assumed the protectorship. Upon the restoration of Charles,
Waller wrote another in praise of him, and presented it to
the king in person. After his majesty had read the poem,
he told Waller that he wrote a better on Cromwell. " Please
your majesty," said Waller, like a tnie courtier, "we poets
are always more happy \n fiction than in truth."
"SLEEP ON, AND TAKE YOUR REST."
A wit at Cambridge, in the days of King James, was
ap])ointed to preach at St. Marie's, before the Vice-chan-
cellor and the heads of the universitie, who formerlie had
observed the drowsiness of the Vice-chancellor, and there-
upon took this place of Scripture for his text, " What! can-
not ye watch one hour?" At everie division, he concluded
with his text, which, by reason of the Vice-chancellor sit-
ting so near the pulpit, often awaked him. This was so
noted by the wits of those dales, that it was the talk of the
whole universitie, and, withal, it did so nettle the Vice-
chancellor, that he complained to the Archbishop of Can-
terburie, who, willing to redress him, sent for tliis scholar
up to London, to defend himself against this crime laid to
his charge by the Vice-chancellor ; where coming, he gave
so many proofs of his extraordinary wit, that the Arch-
bishop enjoined him to preach before King James ; to which,
after some excuses, he at length consented, and, comuig
into the pulpit, begins, — " James the First and the Sixth,
waver not" — meaning the first king of England and the
sixth of Scotland. At first, the king was somewhat amazed
at the text, but, in the end, he was so well pleased with the
sermon, that he made the preacher one of his chaplains in
186 FACETl^ CANTABRIGIENSES.
ordinary. After tliis advancement, the Archbishop sent
him down to Cambridge to make his recantation to the
Vice-clianccllor, rind to take leave of the imiversitie, which
he accordingly did, in a sermon, for which he took the lat-
ter part of the verse of his former text, " Sleep on now, and
take your rest." Concluding his sennon, he made his apo-
logy to the Vice-chancellor, saying, ' Whereas, I said be-
fore, which gave ofience, 'â– 'â– what! cannot ye watch one
hour?" I say now, " sleep on, and take your rest," ' and so
left the imiversitie.
" APROPOS."
The Rev. George Harvest, who had been his schoolfellow
at Eton, came down to Cambridge to vote for Lord Sand-
wich, when he stood candidate for the chancellorship of
that university. At a dinner given to his friends on the
occasion, his lordship, joking him on some of their school-
boy ti-icks, in the simplicity of his heart. Harvest suddenly
exclaimed, " Apropos! where do you derive your name of
Jemmy Twitclier ?" — "Why," answered his lordship,
" from some foolish fellow or other."- — " No, no," inter-
rupted Harvest, " it is not some, but every body calls you
so." His lordship being seated near the pudding, for which
he knew Harvest had no slight relish, put a large slice on
his plate, which Harvest immediately attacked, and had the
desired effect of putting an end to his apropos,
"ALAS! WE CAN'T."
At a party where there was no lack of either good port,
good fellowship, or hamionj', one of the gentlemen pro-
posed, at the end of a song, they should take a ylass.
" Would we could have a lass!" exclaimed a second.
" A — las! we can't," was the bewail-instanter of a third.
FACETI/E CANTABRIGIENSES. 187
SIR BUSICK HARWOOD AND THE CANDLE
AND LANTERN.
During the period Sir Busick Harvvood was professor of
anatomy in the University of Cambridge, lie was called in,
in a case of some difficulty, by the friends of a patient, who
were anxious for his opinion of the malady. Not approv-
ing the treatment which had been pursued towards the in-
valid, and, in answer to his inquiry, being told the name of
the medical man who had previously prescribed, Sir Busick
exclaimed, perhaps with more truth than feeling, — " He !
if he were to descend into the patient's stomach with a
candle and lantern, when he ascended he would not be
able to name the complaint."
HOCK versus FALERNIAN.
Some Peter-house fellows, one day as I've heard,
Disputed which liquor old Horace prefen*'d,
While some were for this sort, and others for that,
And back'd their belief with quotations quite pat;
Whilst, spite of their joking, the contest ran high.
And some would have quarrell'd, but couldn't tell why:
Old P — ne, who, till now, had not mov'd tongue or breech,
Put an end to the war by this comical speech : —
" You may talk of your wines, with a name purely classic.
Such as Chiar, Falernian, Lesbian, and Massic;
But of this I am sm-e, and it worthy of note is,
Hock, hock was his liquor, — ' Hoc erut in votis!' "*
A LONG-WINDED SERMON.
The erudite Dr. Isaac Barrow, who, it is well known,
was tutor to Sir Isaac Newton, during his residence as an
under-graduate at Trinity College, Cambridge, was com-
• Vide Ilor. Sat. 6. lib. 2.
188 FACETIjE cantabrigienses.
plimcnted, by King Cliarles II., with tlie title of tlie best
scholar of the age, but called him an unfair one; " for,"
said the king, " when he once begins a sulycct, he says so
much on it, that nobody can say anything on the same
point after him." Barrow was certainly very long-winded,
and could discern as well as, or better than, any of his co-
temporaries, all the positions in which a thesis could be
taken ; and, as he reasoned on them in a regular syllogistic
style, he seldom omitted anything, pertinent to the proof,
for others to say after him. Dr. Pope, in his life of Seth
Ward, Bishop of Salisbury, relates the following curious
anecdote of him :~Barrow, being appointed to preach in
Westminster Abbey, divided his discourse into two parts.
The first, on lies; and the second, on slander. He was
four hours delivering the first part, so fully had he entered
into the subject. The congregation sneaked off, but the
dean and prebends coidd not, with i>ropricty, leave till the
conclusion of the sermon. But, at last, thinking it woidd
be like Aristotle's world, rerAi/Treiov (without limit), they
sent a chorister to desire the organist to draw out his trum-
pet and open-diapason stop, and i)lay the doctor down.
Tliis was instantly done. Dr. Pope afterwards asked Bar-
row " if he did not feel himself distressed in the lungs after
such a spell at preaching?"—" Not at all," was his reply;
" I was only a little tired with standing."
SETTLING A POINT OF PRECEDENCE.
On a time, a question arose in the University of Cam-
bridge, between the doctors of law and tlie doctors of me-
dicine, as to which ought to take precedence of the other
on pubhc occasions. It was referred to the Chancellor,
who facetiously inquired whether the thief or the harujman
preceded at an execution, and, being told that the thief
usually took the lead on such occasions, — " Well, then," he
FACETI.E CANTABRIGIENSES. 189
replied, " let the doctors in law have the precedence, and
tJie doctors of medicine be next in rank." This humorous
observation set the point in dispute at rest.
" JOVIAL DAYS."
A party of Johnians were one day assembled in order to
moisten the inward man " with a bumper of sparkling
wine," when the conversation turned upon a discussion of
the different festivals and days — amongst others, sidereal
and solar days were named. A dry fish, who looked any-
thing but a punster, putting a bumper to his lips, observed,
" I think we shoidd have jovial days as well."
THE MITRE.
One of the wooden mitres carved by Grin. Gibbon over
a prebend's stall in the cathedral church of Canterbury
happening to become loose, Jessy White, the surveyor of
that edifice, inquired of the dean whether he should make
it fast — " for, perhaps," said Jessy, " it may fall on your
reverence's head." "Well, Jessj', suppose it does!" an-
swered the humorous Cantab, — " suppose it does fall on
my head, I don't know that a mitre falling on my head
would hurt it."
A COMPLIMENT RETURNED IN FULL.
Porson once happened to be in the company of Dr. Jack-
son, an Oxonian, who, thinking to pay the learned Pro-
fessor a flattering compliment, said to him, " Porson, you
are the only man that ever left the University of Cam-
bridge, learned in Greek." The Professor, whose wit, like
the " u-hovp halloo!" of a keen sportsman when his dogs
are at faidt, was always at command, responded to the doc-
tor's flatteiy, " And you, doctor, are the only man that
ever left Oxford with any learning at all."
190 " FACEXIiE CANTABRIGIENSES.
HYDROSTATICAL EXPERIMENT.
Dr. Craven, late Master of St. John's College, excited
the wrath of a waggish student, by indulging him with an
imposition, for some irregularity of conduct. Sky parlour
claimed the honour of being inhal)ited by tliis aspirant to
pliilosopliical iume, when, watching an opportunity, as the
venerable master was sunning himself beside the college
walls, he proceeded to discharge the contents of a huge
stone jar upon liis devoted liead : unfortunately, the jar
followed the watei", and was near inflicting on the learned
doctor the fate of ^scliines. Enraged at this. Dr. Craven
issued a summons, commanding the immediate attendance
of the inhabitant of that room from whence the pitcher had
fallen. Upon his entrance, the doctor exclaimed, " Young
man — young man, you had nearly killed your poor old
master — you had nearly killed me;" when the unabashed
culprit, with the most perfect nonchalance, replied, " I was
merely trjing some hijdrostalical experiments." " Hydro-
statical experiments!" exclaimed the enraged master,
thrown entirely off his guard by the cool answer of the
Johnian, " I'd thank you, young man, when next you
pursue your hydrostatical labours, not to use such a d — d
large pitcher."
NOVEL RECEPTION OF A CREDITOR.
A gentleman of St. John's College was very fond of pur-
suing electrical and other experiments; indeed, so much
was he attached to it, that it might justly be denominated
his hobby ; and he would occasionally expend money in the
purchase of apparatus, which ought, in justice, to have
liquidated debts previously contracted: — so Mr. Bishop,
the tailor, thought ; and who, accordingly, with a view of
dunning the Cantab, after he had mounted the stone stair-
FACETI^ CANTABRIGIENSES. 191
case which led to the " parlour next to the sky," and in vain
beat a tattoo upon the double doors, would slowly descend
again. This had been repeated so often to the annoyance
of the Johnian, that he resolved at once to cure poor Snip
of liis peregrinating projiensities. To this end, he charged
his electrical machine more than ordinarily, and fixed the
conductor to the latch of the door. Bishop, watched by
the Johnian, as usual, ascended the staircase at the expected
hour, and was not a little overjoyed to behold but one door
between him and his client. He gave a gentle rat-tat:
" Come in," echoed from the interior ;^ — -he joyfully grasped
the brass nob: — the electric shock was communicated to
his sensitive, but not very robust frame, with so much
force, that, more dead than alive, he made a jirecipitate re-
treat — nor was he in haste to renew his visit.
CRITICS.
Besides great integrity, great humanity, and other quali-
ties alike honoui'able. Dr. Jortin was of a pleasant and fa-
cetious tm-n. He had a great respect and fondness for
critical learning, which he much cultivated, and thought the
restoration of letters and the civiUzation of Europe to de-
pend on it. He could not bear to see it contemptuously
treated, and did not spare those who had done so. He
thus speaks of an oration of Julius Caesar Scaliger, whom
he esteemed one of those insolent critics: — " The whole is
seasoned with arrogance, vanity, self-applause, spite and
scurrility, the usual ornaments, not of a meek and quiet
spirit, but of a ruffian and a bruiser in the repubUc of let-
ters."
CURIOUS ADVERTISEMENT.
The following advertisement, drawn up by an alderman
192 FACETIiE CANTABRIGIENSES.
of the town of Cambridge, some years ago, is here inserted,
as a specimen of singular fehcity of expression : —
" Whereas a nudtiplicity of damages are frequently oc-
cun-cd by damages of outrageous accidents of fire, we,
whose names are underwritten, have thought projjer, that
the necessity of an engine ought, by us, for the better pre-
venting of which, by the accidents of Almighty God, may
ha])pen, to make a rate to gather benevolence for better
propagathig such instruments,"
THE GREAT CALF.
A company disputing on the superiority of Oxford to
Cambridge, a gentleman present remarked that the decision
could not affect him, because he was educated at both. —
" That," said an old gentleman present, " puts me in mind
of a calf, which I remember, when I was a lad, was suckled
by two cows." " Really," said the university gentleman ;
" and pray, sir, what was the consequence?" " Why, sir,
he turned out the greatest calf I ever saw in my life."
A DELICATE COMPLIMENT.
Dr. Parr, who, it is well known, was not very partial to
the " thea linensis," althougli lauded so warmly by a
French writer as " nostris gratissima ?>ms?s," being invited
to take tea by a lady, with true classic wit and refined gal-
lantry, uttered the following delicate compliment : — " Non
possum tea cum vivere, nee sine te !"
A MATHEMATICIAN'S EPITHALAMIUM,
BY A GENTLEMAN OF TRINITY COLLEGE, CAMBRIDGE.
Though the sinn, my dear wife, of the days of thy life
Should be greater, at length, than i/iji/iity, —
Though wrinkles should trace their deep curves on thy face,
I would love thee, for years, sine limite.
FACETI^ CANTABRIGIENSES. 193
While the years I'oU away, and our bodies decay,
Our love shall know no aberrations ;
But firmly conjoin'd we will always be found,
Like impossihle roots in equations.
Jealous fears too, I ween, shall ne'er intervene,
Perturbing our peaceful community ;
For divisions shall never love's cincidum sever,
Nor eliminate concord and unity.
In sweet conversations and chaste oscillations
Our souls we will daily expand ;
To gravitij, too, we will bid long adieu,
And all fear of depression withstand.
To thy wishes I ne'er will incline a surd ear, — -
My direction thou ever shalt be ;
And each thought of thy mind, when imparted, shall find
A sure co-efficient in me.
And functions so prime, in the process of time.
Shall sweet little increments generate,
Who shall grow up as fair as the parents now are.
Or approximate to them, at any rate.
Thus I, love, and you, combine d, two and two,
Shall proceed in harmonic progression —
In reciprocal pleasure, which admits of no measure —
For which language supplies no expression.
And think not, my Mar}', my affections will vary—
That my love will be quickly 'vanescent ;
For round thee my soul in its orbit shall roll.
Till my body in earth lie (juiescent.
194
FACETI^ CANTABRIGIENSES.
SPOILING A COMPLIMENT.
During the time that Paley was staying with the Bishop
of Durliani, an old clergyman perchance visited the palace,
who asserted, during conversation, " Although he had been
man-ied almost forty years, he had never had the slightest
difFcronce with his wife." The bishop, nuich pleased with
so rare an instance of connubial felicity, was on the very
point of complimenting the divine, when Paley archly
observed, " Don't you think, my lord, it nmst have been
very flat?"
OH, ASS!
Porson was one day conversing in Latin with a certain
learned Theban, from the sister university, when the latter,
wishing to convince the professor that he was better ac-
quainted with the writings of Cicero than any man living,
affirined that he had spent thirteen years " in ferleijendo
Cicerone ;" to which the Greek professor, with admirable
wit, replied, " And echo answered, on" (Oh, ass!)
CURE FOR A DISEASE.
A Cantab, who hajipened to be under Sir Busick Har-
wood, when professor, was enjoined to live temperately, as
a cure for his malady. The doctor called upon him one
day, and found him enjoying himself over a bottle of Ma-
deira. " Ah, doctor!" exclaimed the patient, at the same
time reaching out his hand to bid him welcome, " I am
glad to see you ; you are just in time to taste the first
bottle of some prime Madeira!" "Ah!" replied Sir
Busick, " these bottles of Madeira will never do — they are
the cause of all your sufferings!" " Are they so?" cried
the patient, " then fill your glass, my dear doctor ; for,
since we know the cause, the sooner we get rid of it the
better."
FACETI.^ CANTABRIGIENSES. 195
JEMiMY CxORDON.
Jemmy Gordon, n'miis nofiis omnibus, ignotus nibi, the
well-known writer of many a theme and decJamation for
varmint-men, alias non-rendtng Cantabs, who may be said
to merit the cognomen of Trismegistus, having been com-
]5limented by an acquaintance on the result of one of his
themes, to whicli the prize of a certain college was awarded,
quaintly enough replied, " It is no great credit to be first in
an ass-ruceT'
THE EXCEPTION.
When England was threatened with invasion by France,
a certain corporation agreed to form a volunteer corps, on
condition that they should not be obliged to quit the country.
Their proposal was submitted to Mr. Pitt, tlie premier,
who facetiously observed, that he had no objection to the
terms, if they would permit him to add, " except in case of
invasion."
FIE! ROWE! .
Tlie Cocoa-tree Tavern, in St. James's Street, in those
days designated the Wits' Coffee-House, was the frequent
resort of the celebrated Cantab, Dr. Garth. He was one
morning seated there, conversing with some persons of
rank, when Rowe, the poet, well-known as a dramatic
writer and commentator on Shakspeare, entered, and
seated himself in an opposite box to that in which Avas tlie
doctor and liis friends. Rowe was not only inattentive to
liis dress and appearance, but insufl'erably vain, and fond
of being noticed by persons of consequence. He endea-
voured for some time to catch the doctor's eye, but, failing,
he desired the waiter to ask for his snuft-liox, whicli he
knew to be a valuable one, set with diamonds, wliich had
o 2
19G FACETIAE CANTABRIGIENSES.
been presented to Garth by some foreign prince. After
taking a pinch, he retimicd it; but asked for it so re-
peatedly, tliat Gartlij out of all patience, and perceiving
his drift, wrote on the lid the two Greek characters—*. P.
(Phi Rho). Tliis the mortified poet interpreted fie !
RowE ! and instantly quitted tlie room.
To this specimen of the doctor's wit may be added the
following example of his lunnauity and compassion. The
doctor was one day detained in his chariot, in a narrow
street, near Covent Garden, through a crowd collected to
vritness a bniising-match between two Amazonian ladies of
the Billinsgate tribe, when an old woman hobbled up to
him, and begged him " for God's sake to take a look at her
husband, who was in a mortal bad way ;" adding, " I know
you are a sweet-tempered gentleman, as well as a ade
doctor, so make bold to ax your advice." The doctor, not
a jot offended at her liberty of speech, immediately quitted
his chariot, and followed her to her abode of misery, where
he found that the patient wanted food rather than physic ;
and finding from their answers to his questions, that they
deserved compassion, taking out his pencil, he wrote the
following infallible prescription for such cases, addi-essed to
his banker—" Pay the bearer £10."
NOVEL PAYMENT OF A DEBT.
That celebrated Cantab, " rare Ben Jonson," was one
day invited to dine with a vintner, in whose books his
name had appeared on the debtor's side for no inconsider-
able period, without any equivalent being likely to appear
under the term creditor. The wine, a beverage of which
our poet was not a little fond, had gone merrily round,
when the \intner declared he would forgive Ben his debt,
if he could inuncdiately answer him the following ques-
tions :— " Wliat God is best pleased with ? What the devil
FACETIiE CANTABRIGIENSES. 197
is best pleased with? What the world is best pleased
with ? And what he was best pleased with ?" Ben, under
the inspiration of the jolly god, gave an immechate answer
in the foUo\ving admirable impromptu : —
" God is best pleased when men forsake their sin ;
The de\ars best pleased when they persist therein ;
The world's best pleased when thou dost sell good wine ;
And you're best pleased when I do pay for mine."
A FOOL CONFIRMED.
That Dr. Pan- was neither very choice nor delicate in
his epithets, when his temper-atuve was raised above sum-
mer heat, is no secret to those who may have fallen under
his lash. He once called a clergyman a fool, and there
was probably some tnith in his application of the word.
The clergyman, however, being of a different opinion,
declared he would complain to the bishop of tlie usage.
" Do so," added the learned Grecian, " and my Lord
Bishop will coujirm you."
PORSON OR THE DEVIL.
Porson was once travelling in a stage-coach, wlien a
yomig Oxonian, fresh from college, was anuising the ladies
with a variety of small talk, to which he added a quotation,
as he said, from Sophocles. A Greek quotation, and in a
stage-coach too, roused our professor, who, in a dog-sleep,
was slumbering in one corner of the vehicle. Rubbing his
eyes, " I think, young gentleman," said Porson, " you just
now favoured us with a quotation from Sophocles ; I don't
happen to recollect it there." " Oh, Sir," replied the
Oxonian, " the quotation is word for word as I repeated it,
and in Sophocles too ; but I suspect, Sir, it is some time
since you were at college." Porson, applying his hand to
198 FACETIiTi CANTABRIGIENSES.
his great coat, took out a small pocket edition of Sophocles,
and handed it to our tyro, saying ho shoidd he nuicli