the dread of an examination, and the fear of a failure, I am
still at college, alone and unhappy, waiting the decision of
a vacant fellowship, wliich, if attained, will scai-cely recom-
pense me for the trouble and uneasiness it has occasioned
me. But this is not all : the catalogue of long-vacation
miseries is an almost endless one, and any one who under-
stands calculation might show it coidd be extended ' ad
infin'itum,' as easily as Dr. Wood proves the bifimte
diLHsibUity of a piece of mahogany. The comforts of a
college room, which, at other times, amply compensate the
nuisance of term-keeping, are, in some measure, denied to
us ; our gifps are grown so saucy and so smart, such puppies
and gentlemen of their own opinions, that our coats might
become an inch thickened with dust, before they would
condescend to brush them ; and our shoes might positively
become re-tanned from constant wear, before they would
clean them. The ladies also partake the consequences of
their mates, and it is with the greatest difficulty we can get
our beds made, our rooms swept, or our china washed ; it
is all dirt, confusion, laziness, and insolence, from cook to
cook's scullion, fi'om conunencement Tuesday to the tenth
272 FACETIiE CANTABRIGIENSES.
of October. You would be astonished at tlie airs these
butterflies give tliemsclves ; they will not acknowledge a
superior in the summer, though they live by and out of
thcni : you shall see a fellow who, in term time, would do
any dirty job with joy, and a hundred bows, in ' tlie long
vacation' hold up his head as high as his betters, wear gloves
upon his deep-grained hands, and have his fingers studded
with rings ; you shall see him either strutting up and down
the streets, knocking his well-])()lished feet with a knowing
cane, loiuiging at the college-gates or stalking through the
courts, as if he were a ' Aarmint' character ; or you shall
see him mounted upon the best horse to be met with at
the livery-stables, with boots and spurs, whip, and all the
paraphernalia of an ' eques ;'—og\\ug all the Avomen he
meets with in his ride, or practising his seatahUily at a
land-drain, or bush-faggot; and only to be told by his
position, by the inclination of his legs (which, hke a pair
of compasses, are generally stretched so as to form an angle
of 90 degi-ees), by his holding by the saddle when the wind
blows, for fear he should be unhorsed by the rude breath
of Dan Boreas, fiom the master, whose horse he was formed
to groom, rather than ride ; whose boots he was intended to
clean, rather than wear. If they meet you they wont
know you. If you want them to do an errand, they suit
their own convenience. And this is Cambridge. But now
especially, are all sorts of peo])le up in arms. The coaches
are empty, and the drivers arc longing for the beginning
of term. The boat-keepers on the river are almost starved :
and their boats lie unused on the shore, except when some
snob or other, cqualy as inexpert at the oar as the rein,
takes a shilling's worth of aquatics, at the risk of being run
crver by a Littleport barge, or drowned in one of the locks.
The gun-makers are glad to let their ' arms' to these asses
also, who proceed in their master's jackets, if they happen
CAMBRIDGE PARTIES. 273
to find the way to their wardrobes ; poaching over all the
manors in the neighbourhood, disturbing the game, and
fri2:htenin<r the harvest-men, and sjivinar with all the non-
chalance imaginable, tlie name and address of Mr. Such-
an-one, of Col., or the Hon. G. So-and-so, of
Col., to the gamekeeper who is lucky enough to catch
them."
'•And this," thought I, "is the long vacation," as my
friend ceased. — " Well, I have been for once taken in, and,
rather than let my friends know of my ' softness,' I will be
off as early to-morrow morning as possible." We ex-
changed a few more words of a consolatory nature, I wish-
ing him safe through all his troubles, and one of the
" seventy ;" and he wishing me, in a good glass of real port
(not a la Triston), a speedy and prosperous completion of
my travels.
I slept very soundly at Mills's ; and, after a hearty break-
fast off lime-scented eggs, and measured bread and butter,
at which my friend N joined me (tliough not in tlie ex-
travao^ant expense, which plainly showed I was not out of
Cambridge), I started next morning ; and, as the Telegraph
rolled along under tlie walls of the senate-house, St. Mary's
tolled the hour of nine. I cast a long look, and sighed a
" vale iterumque vale," as the spires and steeples, and
turrets of Granta vanished ; resolved never again to visit
college in " the long vacation," and impressed with a worse
opinion than ever of the spirit which animates the town,
and the folly which allows the gown to be so imposed upon ;
and cogitating deeply whether I had not at last found out
the truth of the proverb, " experience is bought dear." —
"Assuredly," thought I, "a little attention on the part of
those wlio should direct the affairs of this literaiy republic
might remedy some of its inconveniences, and, by so doing
remove the stigma which ever will attach to the education
274 FACETIAE CANTABRIGIENSES.
of our youtli, whilst sufiered to be imposed upon and tre-
panned by creatures who are scarcely worthy to bare the
name of men.
Such was my reception at Cambridge during the long
vacation ; and sucli as it is I submit to the perusal of your
readers ; and I have no doubt they will find, that I may
put Q. E. D. at the foot of this paper without fear of in-
cun-ing the charge, "not proven." Should any of them
doubt my history, I would reconnnend tliem to make a
pilgrimage to the Cam, next autmnn ; and, if they do not
quit it as speedily as I did, I will stake the credit of a
Jesuit, they are either radicals in principle, or radically
wrong in their affections, who feel invigorated by the air
which has so often vibrated with the shouts of democracy,
or who prefer sohtude or " a den of thieves" to the charms
of society and the sweet interchange of friendship from the
hands of affection. I never knew any good of a man who
stayed up during the sunnner ; and I would, as an old friend
to the gown, warn all enthusiastic Freshmen against such loss
of time : it will assuredly end, from want of proper society,
in a loss of moraUty, and, from want of a projjcr adjust-
ment of pursiuts, in the wooden spoon, or an aposilcship ;
but never in the way which alone can recompense them for
the loss of friends, and the exclusion from all real comfort.
I send you tliis as one " gest" of my voyax/es in pursuit
of experience ; and, hoping that you will regard the account
as of indubitable origin, and the reflections arising there-
from, as partaking less of spleen than of goodwill towards
all who may be in danger of a similar "take in," I freely
subscribe the name which ought to bear respect ftom all,
and the kind consideration, as a Dublin friend of mine
would say, of more !
A Jesuit.
275
TRINITY COLLEGE, CAMBRIDGE, FORTY
YEARS AGO.
It was a lovely morning ; a remittance had arrived in the
very nick of time ; my two horses were in excellent con-
dition ; and I resolved, with a college chum, to put in exe-
cution a long concerted scheme of driving to London,
tandem. We sent our horses forward, got others at Cam-
bridge, and tossing algebra and Anaeharsis " to the dogs,"
started in high spirits. We ran up to London in style —
went ball-pitch to the play — and, after a quiet breakfast at
St. James's, set out with my own horses upon a dashing
drive through the west-end of the town. We were turning
dovm the Haj'market, when whom, to my utter horroi- and
consternation, should I see crossing to meet us, but my old
warm-hearted, but severe and peppery, uncle. Sir Tho-
mas • — • — ? To escape was impossible. A cart before, and
two carriages behind, made us stationary ; and I mentally
resigned all idea of ever succeeding to his five thousand per
annmn. Up he came. " What ! can I believe my eyes ?
George ? — what the do you here ? Tandem too, by
." (I leave blanks for the significant accompaniments
which dropped from his mouth, like pearls and rubies in
the fairy tale, when he was in a passion.) " I have it,"
thought I, as an idea crossed my mind which I resolved to
follow. I looked right and left, as if it were not possible it
could be me he was addressing. " What ! you don't know
me, you young dog? don't know your uncle?" " Why,
Sir,— in the name of common sense " — "Pshaw! you've
done with that. Why in — — name an't you at Cam-
bridge?" " At Cambridge, Sir?" said I. " At Cambridge,
Sir," he repeated, mimicking my affected astonishment,
T 2
276 FACETIiE CANTABRIGIENSES.
" wli}', I suppose )'ou never were at Cambridge ! Oh ! you
young spendthrift ; is this tlic manner you dispose of my
allowance ? Is this the way you read hard ? You yoimg pro-
fligate ! you young ; you ." Seeing he was getting
energetic, I began to be apprehensive of a scene ; and re-
solved to drop the curtain at once. " Reallj', Sir," said I,
with as brazen a look as I could smmiKin upon emergency,
" I have not the honour of yoin- accjuaintance," — his large
eyes assumed a fixed stare of astonislnnent — " I must con-
fess you Iku'c the advantage of me. I'^xcuse me, but, to
my knowledge, I never saw you before." A torrent, I
perceived was coming — " Make no apologies, they are un-
necessaiy. Your next rencontre will, I hojie, be more
fortunate ; tliough your iindiiig your country cousin in Lon-
don is like looking for a needle in a bundle of hay. — Bye
bye, old buck." The cart was removed, and I drove off;
yet not without seeing him, in a pai-oxysm of rage, half
frightful half ludici-ous, toss his hat on the ground, and
hearing him exclaim — " He disowns me ! — the jackanapes !
Disowns his own uncle, by ." Poor Philip Chichester's
look of amazement at this finished stroke of impudence is
present, at this instant, to my memory. I think I see his
face, which at no period had more exj^ression than a turnip,
assume tliat air of a pensive simjjleton, d'uii nioufon qui
reve, which he so often and so successfully exhibited over
an incom])rehensible problem in " Principia."
" Well ! you've done it, — Dished completely ! What
could induce you to be such a blockhead ;" said he. " The
family of Blockheads, my dear Phil," I replied, " is far too
creditably established in society to render tlieir alliance dis-
graceful. I'm proud to belong to so prevailing a party."
" Pshaw ! this is no time for joking. AMiat's to be done?"
" Why when docs a man want a joke, Pliil, but when he's
in trouble ? However, adieu to badinage, and hey for Cam-
TRINITY COLLEGE FORTY YEARS AGO. 277
bridge instantly.— In the twinkling of an eye— not a mo-
ment to be lost. My imcle will post there with four liorses
instantly; and my only chance of avoiding that romantic
misfortune of being cut off with a shilling, is to be there
before him." Without settling our bill at the inn, or making
a single arrangement, we dashed back to Cambridge. Ne-
ver shall I forget the mental anxiety I endured on my way
there. Everything was against us. A heavy rain had
fallen in the night, and the roads were wretched. The
traces broke— turnpike gates were shut— droves of sheep
and carts impeded our progress ;— but in spite of all these
obstacles we reached the college in less than six hours.
" Has Sir Thomas been here?" said I to the porter,
with an agitation I could not conceal. " No, Sir ;"— Phil
thanked God, and took courage. " If he does, tell him so
and so," said I, giving voracious Thomas his instructions,
and putting a guinea into his hand to sliarpen his memory.
" Phil, my dear fellow, don't show your face out of college
for this fortnight. You twig ! God bless you." I had
barely time to get to my own room, to have my toga and
trencher beside me, Newton and Aristotle before me,
optics, mechanics, and hydrostatics strewed around me in
learned confusion, when my luicle drove up to my gate.
" Porter, I wish to see Mr. ," said he; " is he in his
rooms?" "Yes, Sir; I saw him take a heap of books
there ten minutes ago." This was not the first bouncer the
Essence of Truth, as Thomas was known through college,
had told for me ; nor the last he got well paid for. " Ay !
very likely. Reads very hard, I dare say ?" " No doubt
of that, I believe. Sir," said Thomas, as bold as brass.
" You audacious fellow ! how dare you look in my face and
tell me such a deliberate falsehood ? You know he's not in
college!" " Not in college ! Sir, as I hope " " None
of your hopes and fears to me ; show me his rooms." " If
278 FACETI/E CANTABRIGIENSES.
two hours ago I clid not see ." " See him — yes, I've
seen liini, and lie's seen the last of nie." lie had now
reached my rooms ; and never shall I forget his look of
astonishment, of amazement hordering on incredulity, when
I calmly came forward, took his hand, and welcomed him
to Camhridge. " My dear Sir, how are you ? — what lucky
wind has hlown you here ?" " What, George ! who — what
— why — I can't believe my eyes!" — " How happy I am
to see you!" I continued. " How kind of you to come!
How well you're looking!" " How people may be de-
ceived ! My dear George (speaking rapidly), I met a
fellow, in a tandem, in the Haymarket, so like you in every
particular, that I hailed liun at once. The puppy disowned
me — afiected to cut a joke — and di'ove off. Never was I
more taken off my stilts ! I came down directly, with four
post-horses, to teU your tutor ; to tell the master ; to tell
all the college, that I would have nothing more to do with
you ; that I would be responsible for your debts no longer ;
to inclose you fifty pounds and disown you for ever." " My
dear Sir, how singidar !" " Singular ! I wonder at peijury
no longer; for my part, I would have gone into any court
of justice, and have taken my oath it was you. I never
saw such a likeness. Your father and the fellow's mother
were acquainted, or I'm mistaken. The hair, the height, the
voice ; all but the manner, and damme that was not yours.
No — no, you never would have treated your old uncle so."
" How rejoiced I am, that ." " Rejoiced! so am I.
I would not have been undeceived for a thousand guineas.
Nothing but seeing you here so quiet, so studious, sur-
rounded by problems, would have convinced me. Ecod !
I can't tell you how I was startled. I had been told some
queer stories, to be sure, about your Cambridge etiquette.
I had heard that two Cambridge men, one of St. John's,
the other of Trinity, had met on the top of Vesuvius, and
TRINITY COLLEGE FORTY YEARS AGO. 279
that though they knew each other by sight and reputation,
yet never having been fonnally introduced, Hke two sim-
pletons they looked at each other in silence, and left the
mountain separately and wathout speaking ; and that cracked
fellow-commoner, Meadows, has shown me a caricature,
taken from the life, representing a Cambridge man drown-
ing, and another gownsman standing on the brink, ex-
claiming, ' Oh that I had the honour of being introduced
to that man, that I might have taken the hberty of saving
him !' But, it, thought I, he never would have carried
it so far witli his own uncle ! — I never heard your father
was a gay man," continued he, musing; "but it's impos-
sible, you know it's impossible. Come, my dear feUow,
come ; I must get some dinner. Who could lie be ? Ne-
ver were two people more alike!" We dined at the inn,
and spent the evening together ; and instead of the fifty,
the " last fifty," he generously gave me a draft for three
times the amount. He left Cambridge the next morning,
and his last words were, as he entered his carriage, " M
brother was a handsome man ; and there was a Lady Some-
body who, the world said, was partial to him. She may
have a son. Most suqjrising likeness. God bless you !
Read hard, you young dog ; remember Like as two
brothers!" — I never saw him again. His death, which
hapjjened a few montlis afterwards, in consequence of liis
being bit in a bet, contracted when he was a " little ele-
vated," left me the heir of his fine estate ; I wish I could
add, to his many and noble virtues. I do not attempt to
palliate deception. It is always criminal. But I am sure
no severity, no reprimand, no i-eproaches, would have had
half the effect which his kindness, his confidence, and
generosity wrought on me. It reformed me thoroughly,
and at once. I did not see London again till I had gradu-
ated ; and if my degree was not accompanied with brilliant
280 FACETIiE CANTABRIGIENSES.
honours, it did not disgrace my uncle's liberality or name^
Many years have elapsed since our last inter^'iew ; but I
never reflect on it without pain and plcasme; — pain, that
our last intercourse on eartli should have been masked with
the grossest deception ; and pleasure, that the serious re-
flections it awakened, cured me for ever of all wish to de-
ceive, and made the open and straightforward path of life,
that of
An Old Student.
INDEX.
INDEX.
Page
Absence of Mind 127
A Blunder 180
A Compliment returned in Full 189
A Cunning Shaver (J-2
A Delicate Compliment 1!)2
A Delicate Morsel 163
Advice Gratis 213
A Farewell Scene IGC
A Fool Confirmed 1!»7
A Forcible Argument 210
Alas ! we can't liXJ
Alcock 84
A-liquid 95
Alliteration 200
All Waiters 180
A Marvellous Hint 178
A Mathematician's Epithala-
mium 192
An Awkward Situation lo9
An Expedient 108
Anecdote of Dr. Isaac Milner • IGl
An Illustration 181
Animals three Miles long 59
Anticipation realized 140
A Pedant caught Napping • • • • 175
Apropos 18(1
A rare Mathematical Wind 183
Archbishop Herring in Pickle (!2
Archbishop Mountain 199
Art of applying Kire 75
A Shining Character 51
A Sine 57
As great a Rogue as Himself • • (i5
A Transporting Subject 83
A Wife lost by Absence of
Mind Ill
Page
Bacon, Sir Nicholas 104
Ballad-Singing 90
BenJonson ib.
Better Acquainted 114
Billet for Billet 169
Bill paid in Full 101
Bishop Blaize 67
Bishop Horsley 147
Bon Mot 214
Boots prohibited 139
Borough Interest 207
But one good Translation •■•■93
Cambridge Etiquette 50
Catching Cold 173
Catherine Hall 87
Chanting ii-la-Greek 211
Characteristics 76, 174
Character of Dr. Parr 131
Complaint and Wish 92
Completing a Stanza 83
Compliments 128
Couplet for Couplet 179
Critics 191
Cure for a Disease 194
Curiosa -•• 64
Curious Advertisement 191
Curious Epitaph 206
Curious Extract from a Letter
from a Cantab to a Friend
in the Country 141
Cutting Retort 168
C. versus K 199
Deafness, Fear, and Imagina-
tion 170
284
I N D r X.
Page
Definition of a Fellowship IB
Definition of Happiness 115
Delicacy 127
Delights of r.erinan Travelling Hi)
Descen<i-Ass a-2
Dog- Latin Klf)
Do 111 ]2(;
Double Entendre I)i2
Do yon know who I am ? 02
Dr. Bentley and the Philo-
sophers 140
Dr. Birkett 145
Dr. Dodd's Sermon 105
Dr. Glynn's Receipt for Dress-
ing a Cucumber • 121
Beauty 90
Dr. Henniker's Definition of
Wit 214
Dr. John Hey ,50
Dr. Jortin 127
Dropsical 80
Dr. Parr, his precocity of talent 134
, the Rev. Charles
Curtis, and Cumberland 135
versus Lord Erskine 130
, his delineation of
Tom Paine's Character 137
, his eccentricities in
the pulpit ib.
's Opinion of Pitt and
Fox 138
Dr. S. Clarke versus the Regius
Professor of Divinity 212
Elegant Compliment 109
Elegant Reproof 170
Elegant Retorts 58, 110
Epigrams 84, 101, 215
Epigram by a Plucked Man 63
Erasmus versus Luther 141
Eternity of Hell Torments \V.)
Ever since he was a Puppy . ■• 98
Extemporaneous Verses ]21
Extraordinary Act in Divinity 207
Facetious Sketch of the Cha-
racter of Paul 1. 128
Fawkes 89
Fear Cured 113
Fiction and Truth 185
Page
Fie ! Rowe ! 195
Flying to the utmost bounds of
infinite space 12/
Force of Satire 95
Fortunate Expedient 77
l''uller all over 129
Gray the Poet 101
Greek Pun 142
Hanging One's Self 83
Head versus Hair 14G
Hebrew 99
Hock versus Falernian Ift7
How d'ye do, old Codger 117
Hydrostatical experiment 190
Ibi sunt Cuniculi 108
I can get through 64
I didn't get it 60
I'm Asleep 49
I'm blind too 50
Impromptu 116
Intrepidity, Ability, and Ro-
guery 74
I takes 'em as they come 173
Jemmy Gordon 195
John-Uo-Peep 49
Johnian Hog 103
Joshua Barnes 96
Jovial Days 189
Judgment 94
Keeping a Conscience
Killing Time
130
128
Lapsus Linguae 126
Latimer 102
Loaves and Fishes ,56
Long-winded Sermon 187
Lord Bacon and the Malefactor 109
Making a Knight 149
Maps 80
Matthew Mattocks 121
Metaphysics 59
Milt(m's Beauty I)i3
Modern Learning — The Salt-
Box Gfi
I N D E X.
285
Page
]\Iodern Pontius Pilate 2o;)
Musical Blow-up liio
My Father was plucked before
me 17G
New Readings 8(;, 18:3, 215
Newton !)/
Non par Eris IJii'
Not versus Nott 1(J8
Novel Construction of a Pair
of Bellows 1(13
Novel Payment of a Debt llHi
Novel Reception of a Creditor 100
Oh, Ass ! 194
One Tongue sufficient for a
Woman Co
One Inside l.'iO
Over-wise 1(J4
Oxford versus Cambridge 112
Paley's Conception of the Cha-
racter of Falstaif 104
Sketch of his early Aca-
demical Life 112
Parliamentary Case (J4
Paradies on College Examina-
tions 210,219, 221
Parody on Gray"s Bard 201
Patience 93
Peacock's Paraphrastic Chaunt 1(12
Pitt's devotion to England ■■•• 148
Pigeon-Shooting 218
Poker and Tongs 97
Popish Zeal 92
Porson and the Germans 85
Anecdotes of 111, IlC, 20(i
or the Devil 197
versus Dr. Jowett 2oO
Porson's fondness for Algebra- • 143
Politics 122
Visit to the Continent 48
saying of Parr 135
Praise of Cambridge Ale 199
Praying for an Enemy ^a
I'resence of Mind 1C5
Prior i!0
Prior's Poetical Jeux-d'Esprit 147
Prince's Metal 71
Principal and Interest I2(j
Page
Proper Distinction 110
Punning 97
Puppies never see till they are
Nine Days Old 17^
Putting a stop to Pilgrim's Pro-
gress 150
Quaint Epitaph 93
Quoting 77
Quis est Rex 142
Ready Reply 1(7
Reformation 103
Reform Extraordinary 210
Reminiscences of Jemmy Gor-
dcm 14«
Retort on Retort 130
Rex Hujus Loci 177
Saluting a Dog with his own
Latin (15
Sarcastic Epiyram 179
Saying of Lord Bacon 86
Scraping the Proctor 82
Settling a Point of Precedence 188
Simplicity of Mathematicians,
143, 1/5
Sir Busick Harwood 187
Sir Isaac and Sir Busick ..... 51
Sir Isaac Newton 208
Sketch of Certain Professors
and Lecturers 158
Sleep on, and take your rest • 185
Smart Retort 174
Smart's Saying of Gray 90
•Somnambulism 1/7
Spoiling a Compliment 194
Stealing 125
Sterne's .\dvertisement 87
Stomachum 79
St. .John's Head on a Charger. . .57
St. PeteraBaclielor (il
Take care of thy Money, Lad. . (if)
Tlie Blue Boar 1G8
The Brass Plate 81
The Bride in Waiting 214
The Canonical Wig 125
The Causeway 5H
The Cambridge Lectures 150
286
INDEX.
Page
The College Bell •!«
The Collegian and the Porter. . 71
The Confessions of a Cantab,
No. 1 1
No. II.. L>1
The Cost of Fashion !)2
The Crab-Fish 2(«;
The Exception 195
The Fox »H
The first English Play produced
by a Cantab, and first acted at
Cambridge 144
The Great Calf V.B
The Hyson Club !tl
The Latin Gerunds !»5
The Maudlin Lover 54
The Mere Signs of the Beast . . *'3
The Metamorphosis (iU
The Minor Poets 143
The .Mitre Ifiii
The Nightcap (il
The Petition 78
The President 79
The Post-Boy 97
The Prince of Wales r)-2
The Retort 115
The Retort Cutting 17»
The Teeth-Power 5H
The Tobacco-Stopper .94
The White Lion Iini
The Wooden Wedge 141
Page
The Three Asses 147
The Tripos Day ^9
There 1 Leave you 9.'*
Three Private Tutors to One
Pupil 140
They are Mine 1"7
Tillotson 97
Tit-Bits 210
Tit for Tat U!>
Tom Randolph 114
Trophies 92
Trutli .111(1 Rhyme lf>4
Truth versus Politeness 1(J5
Tu es Porcus ICT
Unconscious Vanity 17**
Utopia — a .Satire in Imitation
of a Mathematical Examina-
tion-Paper 4(>
Value of Nothing 194
Verbo Dignus iX<
Very Easy to write like a Fool 81
Way of Using Books 91
Weakness of Parents 51
What a Debauch ! 215
White Teeth 102
Wiseacres 81
You'll get there before I can
tell you 5(1
CAMBRIDGE PARTIES, BV TWO DISTINGUISHED CANTABS.