cannot I take my subjects' moneij when I want it, without
all this formahty in Parliament ?" Bishop Neale quickly
replied, — " God forbid, Sir, but you shoidd : you are the



FACETI.E CANTABRIGIENSES. 65

breath of our nostrils." On which the king said to the
Bisliop of Winchester, — " Well, my Lord, and Avhat say
you?" — Su-," replied Andrews, " I have no skill to judge
of ParHamentary cases." — "Come, come," answered his
Majesty, " no put offs, my Lord ; answer me presently."
— "Then, Sir," said Andrews, " I think it lawful for you
to take my brother Neale's money, for he offers it."

SALUTING A DOG WITH HIS OWN LATIN.

During the time that Mr. F. was Moderator, a dog one
day happened, not being initiated in the etiquette necessary
to be observed, to stray into the schools at Cambridge,
when a student was keeping an act. It fell to tlie turn
of Mr. F. to preside that day, and the moment the poor
dog made his entre, Mr. F. thundered out the following
apophthegma — " Verte canem ex f"

AS GREAT A ROGUE AS HIMSELF.

Jemmy Gordon, a well-knoM^n character in Cambridge,
once went to the late Bishop of Bristol, of facetious memor}-,
who was then Master of Trinity College, to request that he
would give him half-a-crown. "So I will," replied the
bishop, "if you can find me as great a rogue as yourself"
Jemmy Gordon, nothing doubting but he should be able to
accommodate tlie bishoji, and obtain the desired half-crown,
went immediately to Mr. B— , who was at that time one
of the Esquire Bedells of the university, and told him the
bishop wanted to speak with him. Mr. B — , not suspecting
Jemmy's trick, went directly to the bishop, followed, un-
perceived, by Jemmy Gordon ; and on entering his pre-
sence, he desired " to know his lordship's pleasure ?" The
bishop, to his surprise, said he had not sent for him ! But
Jemmy Gordon, who was nigh at hand, informed his lord-
ship, " that he told him he would give him half-a-crown if

F



66 FACETI.^ CANTABRIGIENSES.

he coiild find as great a rogue as liimself, and having pro-
duced Mr. B — , he clamied the promised reward." The
bishop was so well pleased with the joke, that he gave
Jemmy the half-crown.

PALEY.

Soon after he had completed his fifteenth year, went to
Cambridge, accompanied by his father, to be admitted a
sizar of Christ College ; to which society liis father had be-
longed before hull. He perfonued this journey on horse-
back, and used often thus humorously to describe the dis-
asters which befel him on the road : — I was never a good
horseman, and when I followed my father on a pony of my
own, on my first journey to Cambridge, I fell off seven
times. I was lighter than I am now, and my falls were
not likely to be serious: — My father on- hearing a thump,
would tm-n his head half aside, and say, — 'Take care of thy
money, lad.' "

MODERN LEARNING,

Exemplified in the form of a College Examination.
A JEu d'esprit,

Said to be written by the late Professor Porson ; and
intended as a Satire on the mode of Examination at
Oxford.

METAPHYSICS.

Professor. — What is a salt-box ?
Student. — It is a box made to contain salt.
Professor. — How is it divided ?
Student. — It is a salt-box and a box of salt.
Professor. — Very well ; show the distinction ?
Stiidenf. — A salt-box may be where there is no salt ; but
salt is absolutely necessary to the existence of a box of salt.
Professor. — Are not salt-boxes otherwise divided ?



FACETI-E CANTABRIGIENSES. bl

Student. — Yes, by a partition.

Professor. — What is the use of this division ?

Student. — To separate the coarse from \he fine.

Professor. — How ! Think a little.

Student. — To separate the_^rte from the coarse.

Professor. — To be sure : to separate the fine from the
coarse. But are not salt-boxes otherwise distinguished ?

Student. — Yes, into possible, probable, and positive.

Professor. — Define these several kinds of salt-boxes.

Student. — A possible salt-box is a salt-box yet unsold, in
the joiner's hands.

Professor. — ^Why so ?

Student. — Because it hath not yet become a salt-box,
having never had any salt in it, and it may probably be
appUed to some other use.

Professor. — Very ti'ue ; for a salt-box which never had,
hath not now, and perhaps may never have, any salt in it,
can only be termed a possible salt-box. What is a probable
salt-box ?

Student. — It is a salt-box in the hands of one going to
buy salt, and who has sixpence in his pocket to pay the
shopkeeper ; and a positive salt-box is one which hath
actually and bond fide got salt in it.

Professor, — Very good ; and what other divisions of the
salt-box do you recollect ?

Student. — Tliey are divided into substantive and pendent.
A substantive salt-bo.x is that which stands by itself on a
table or dresser ; and the pendent is that which hangs
against the wall.

Professor. — What is the idea of a salt-box ?

Student. — It is that image which the mind conceives of
a salt-box, when no salt-box is present.

Professor. — What is the abstract idea of a salt-box ?

F 2



68 FACETI^ CANTABRIGIENSES.

Student. — It is the idea of a salt-box abstracted from the
idea of a box, or of salt, or of a salt-box, or of a box of salt.

Profcsaor. — Very right : by this yoii may acquire a
proper knowledge of a salt-box : but tell me, is the idea of
a salt-box a salt idea ?

Student. — Not unless the idea hath the idea of salt con-
tained in it.

Professor.— TvwQ : and therefore an abstract idea cannot
be either salt or fresh, round or square, long or short : and
this shows the difference of a salt idea, and an idea of salt.
Is an aptitude to hold salt an essential or an accidental
property of a salt-box ?

Student. — It is essential : but if there shoidd be a crack
in the bottom of the box, the aptitude to spill salt would be
termed an accidental property of that box.

Professor. — Very well, very well indeed. What is the
salt called with respect to the box ?

Student. — It is called its contents.

Professor. — Why so ?

Student. — Because the cook is content, qnod hoc, to find
plenty of salt in the box.

Professor. — You are very right. Now let us proceed to —

LOGIC

Professor. — How many modes are there in a salt-box?

Student. — Three : bottom, top, and sides.

Professor. — How many modes are there in salt-boxes?

Student. — Four : the formal, the substantive, the acci-
dental, and the topsy-turvy.

Professor. — Define these several modes.

Student. — The formal respects the figure or shape of the
box, such as a circle, a square, an oblong, &c. ; the sub-
stantive respects the work of the joiner ; and the accidental



FACETI.E CANTABRIGIENSES. 69

respects the string by which the box is hung against the
wall.

Professor. — Very well : what are the consequences of
the accidental mode ?

Student. — If the string should break, tlie box would fall,
and the salt be spilt, the salt-box broken, and the cook in
a passion ; and this is the accidental mode and its conse-
quences.

Professor. — How do you distinguish between the bottom
and the top of a salt-box ?

Student. — The top of a salt-box is that part which is
uppermost, and the bottom is that which is lowest in all
positions.

Professor. — You should rather say tlie uppermost part
is the toj), and the lowest part the bottom. How is it,
then, if the bottom should be uppermost ?

Student. — The top would then be lowermost, so that the
bottom would become the top, and tlie top the bottom ;
and this is called the topsy-turvy mode, and is nearly allied
to the accidental, and frequently arises from it.

Professor. — Very good : but are not salt-boxes some-
times smgle, and sometimes double ?

Student.— Yes.

Professor. — Well, then, mention the several combinations
of salt-boxes, with respect to the having salt or not.

Second Professor. — Hold ! hold ! you are going too far.

Governors of the Institution. — We can't allow further
time for logic ; proceed, if you please, to —

NATURAL PHILOSOPHY.

Professor. — Wliat is a salt-box ?

Student.— It is a combination of matter, fitted, framed,
and joined, by the liands of a workman, in the form of a box,
and adapted for the purpose of receiving and containing salt.



70 FACETIiE CANTABRIGIENSES.

Professor. — Very good. What are the mechanical powers
engaged in the constniction of a salt-box ?

Student. — The axe, the saw, the plane, and the hammer.

Professor. — How are tliese powers apphed to the pur-
pose intended?

Student. — The axe to fell the trees, the saw to split the
timber, the —

Professor. — Consider ! It is the property of the mallet
and wedge to split.

Student. — The saio to slit the timber, and the plane to
smooth and thin tlie boards.

Professor. — How ! Take time, take time.

Student. — To thin and smooth the boards.

Professor. — To be sure: the boards are first thinned
and then smoothed. Go on.

Student.— The plane to thin and smooth, and the ham-
mer to drive the nails.

Professor. — Or rather tacks. Have not some philoso-
phers considered glue as one of the mechanical powers ?

Student. — Yes ; and it is still so considered : but it is
called an inverse mechanical power; because, whereas it
is the property of direct mechanical powers to generate
motion, glue, on the contrary, prevents motion, by
keeping the parts to which it is applied fixed to each
other.

Professor. — Very true. What is the mechanical law of
the saw ?

Student. — Tlie power is to resist as the number of teeth
and force impressed, multiplied by the number of strokes
in a given time.

Professor. — Is the saw only used in slitting timber into
boards ?

Student. — Yes ; it is also used in cutting boards into
lengths.



FACETI.E CANTABRIGIENSES. 71

Professor. — Not lengths. A thing cannot be said to be
cut into lengths.

Student. — Shortnesses.

Professor. — Very right. What are the mechanical laws
of the hammer ?

Governor. — We have just received intelligence that
dinner is nearly ready ; and as the medical class is yet to
be examined, let the medical gentlemen come forward.

PRINCE'S METAL.
When the Prince of Orange, afterwards William tlie
Third, came over to this country, five of the seven bishops
who were sent to the Tower declared for his highness ; but
the other two would not come into the measiu-es. Upon
which Drtjden said, " that the seven golden candlesticks
were sent to be assayed in the Tower, and five of them
proved ^r /race's metal."

THE COLLEGIAN AND THE PORTER.

At Trin. Coll. Cam. — wliich means, in proper spelling,

Trinity College Cambridge — there resided
One Harry Dashington ; a youth excelling

In all the learning commonly provided
For those who choose that classic station
For finishing their education.
That is — he understood computing

The odds at any race or match ;
Was a dead hand at pigeon-shooting ;

Could kick up rows, knock down the watch.

Play truant and the rake at random.

Drink, tie cravats, and drive a tandem.

Remonstrance, fine, and rustication,
So far from working reformation,



72 I'ACETIiE CANTABRIGIENSES.

Seemed but to make his lapses gi-eater ;
Till he was warned that next offence
Would have this certain consequence, —

Expulsion from liis yllma Mater.

One need not be a necromancer,
To guess that, with so wild a wight,
Tlie next offence occurr'd next night ;
When our incurable came rolling
Home as the midnight chimes were tolhng,

And rang the college bell.— No answer.

The second peal was vain — the third

Made tlic street echo its alarum ;
When, to his great delight, he heard.

The sordid Janitor, old Ben,

Rousing and growling in his den.
" Who's there ? — I 'spose yoimg Hannn-scarum."

" 'Tis I, my worthy Ben — 'tis Harry."

" Aye, so I thought, and there you'll tarry.

" 'Tis past the hour — the gates are closed ;
You know my orders — I shall lose
My place if I undo the door."
"And I," — (young hopefid interposed)
Shall be expelled if you refuse ;

So, pr'ythee"- Ben began to snore.

" I'm wet," cried Harry, " to the skin,
Hip ! hallo ! Ben ! — don't be a ninny ;
Beneath the gate I've thrust a guinea,

So timible out, and let me in."

" Humph !" growled the greedy old curmudgeon,

Half overjoyed, and half in dudgeon.



FACETI^ CANTABRIGIENSES. 73

" Now you may pass ; but make no fuss,
On tijjtoe walk, and hold your prate."

" Look on the stones, old Cerebus,"
Cried HaiTy, as he passed the gate ;

" I've dropped a shilling — take the light,

You'll find it just outside — good night."

Behold the porter in his shirt,

Cursing the rain, which never stopp'd,
Gi-(^)ing and raking in the dirt,

And all without success ; but that
Is hardly to be wonder 'd at,
Because no shilling had been dropp'd ;
So he gave o'er the search at last.
Regain 'd the door, and fomid it fast !

V\'ith sundi-y oaths and growls and groans.
He rang once — twice— and thrice ; and then,

Mingled with giggling, heard the tones
Of Harry mimicking old Ben.

" Who's there ? — 'Tis really a disgrace

To ring so loud — I've lock'd the gate —

I know my duty — 'tis too late —
You wouldn't have me lose my place ?"

" Pshaw ! Mr. Dashington ; remember

This is the middle of November.

I'm stripp'd ; — 'tis raining cats and dogs."
" Hush, hush !" quoth Hal ; " I'm fast asleep ;"
And then he snored as loud and deep

As a whole company of hogs.
"But, hark ye, Ben, I'll grant admittance

At the same rate I paid myself."
" Nay, master, leave me half the pittance,"

Replied the avaricious elf.



74 rACETI.E CANTABRIGIENSES,

" No ; all or none — a full acquittance ; —
The terms, I know, are somewhat high ;
But you have fix'd the price, not I —

I won't take less — I can't afford it ;"
So, finding all his haggling vain,
Ben, with an oath and groan of pain,

Drew out the guinea, and restored it.

" Surely you'll give me," growl'd th' outwitted
Porter, when again admitted,

" Something, now you've done your joking,
For all tliis trouble, time, and soaking."

" Oh ! surely, siu-ely," Harry said,
" Since, as you urge, I broke your rest,
And you're half-drown'd and quite imdi'ess'd,

I'll give you — leave to go to bed !"



N. M. M.



INTREPIDITY, ABILITY, AND ROGUERY.

On the sudden elevation of Bonaparte to the supreme
direction of affairs in the French republic. Dr. Paley ob-
sei-ved to a party of gentlemen who were dining with him
a few days after the intelligence of that extraordinary event,
" That the French were rapidly approaching to absolute
monarchy again : the conventional government was estab-
lished on a very broad basis, wliich has been narrowed on
every subsequent alteration, and is progressively tending
to a point." In allusion to the various actors who had
successively fiUed the busy scene, in that distracted countrj',
from the commencement of the revolution, he still more
forcibly remarked, " That in similar convulsions, none can
ultimately succeed in bearing sway, but men of gi-eat in-
trepidity, great abiUtij, and great roguery. Without great
intrepidity, no man will intentionally venture on so ha-
zardous a career ; without great ability, no man can get



FACETLE CANTABRIGIENSES. 75

forward ; and without great roguery, no man can bring his
designs to a successful close."

THE ART OF APPLYING FIRE.

A certain Cantab, who was fellow of a college, and
resided a short distance from the town in a neighbouring
village, was suspected, by some of his bo7is vivans, of keep-
ing a certain file de joie, and with which they had often
accused him; but he invariably denied the fact. They,
however, resolved to adopt soane plan to unravel the mys-
tery. At length, one of the party, in concert with another
of their joint companions, who was un hel esprit, with all
liis wits about him, hit upon the following expedient for
ascertaining the fact, viz. : — That he and his companions
should, at midnight, proceed to the village on horse-back,
where resided their friend, taking with them a bundle of
ivet straw. This they did, being especially provided with
every necessary for carrying their design into effect. After
having reconnoitred the outposts, lest they should be taken
by suqjrise, finding all quiet, they placed the wet straw
under the window of their misuspecting friend, who was
fast locked, either in the arms of Morpheus or mademoiselle.
Having fired the straw, they set out shouting, with sten-
torian voices, '* Fire, fire, fire /" Tliis soon alarmed the
enamoured pair, and the stratagem succeeded to their
utmost wishes ; for, in a few moments, mon cher ami
rushed from the house, with no covering on but his shirt,
followed close by his inamorata, veiled in her chemise.

PRAYER FOR AN ENEMY.
A Cantab, having been offended by the mayor of Cam-
bridge, who was by trade a butcher, resolved to take an
opportunity of being even with him, when it came to his
turn to preach before the corporation. This happening
soon after, in his prayer before the sermon, he introduced



76 FACETIAE CANTABRIGIENSES.

tlic following pointed expressions: — "And since, O Lord!
tliou hast connnaiidod ns to pray for oxir enemies, herein
we heseech tliee for the right worshipful the mayor : give
him the strength of Samson, and the courage of David ;
that he may knock down sin like an ox, and cut the throat
of iniquity like a sucking-calf; and let his horn be exalted
above his brethren." ' ,tf \

i

CHARACTERISTICS.

Dr. Richard Farmer, the celebrated commentator on
Shakspeare, was formerly master of Emmanuel College,
Cambridge. He Mas very remarkable for many eccentri-
cities, and made his likes and his dislikes so well known,
that they became almost a proverb in his days. There
were three things, it was said, which the master of Emma-
nuel loved above all others, viz.: — Good old 2^ort ! old
clothes! and old boolcs! And three things which nobody
could persuade him to perform, viz. : — To rise hi the morn-
ing! to (fo to bed at viyht ! and to settle an aceount! When
in Cambridge, if an old house was pulled down, the master
of Emmanuel was always there, in an old blue great-coat
and rusty hat. When in London, he was sure to be found
in the same garb at an old book-stall ; or standing at the
comer of a dirty lane, poring through his glass at an old
play-bill. It is related, that Pitt once offered him a bi-
shopric ; but the social delights of a pipe and a bottle in
Emmanuel parlour outweighed, in his estimation, the daz-
zling splendour of a mitre. He is said to have possessed
that species of generosity which residts rather from inatten-
tion than from a knowledge of the use of wealth; but it
seems he parted with his money as easily as he obtained it.
To his honour be it spoken, many a person in distress ex-
perienced his liberality; and it was frequently bestowed on
learned men and learned publications, of which he was the
unwearied patron.



FACETI.E CANTABRIGIENSES. 77

A FORTUNATE EXPEDIENT.

A gentleman of Trinity College, travelling through
France with a friend, in what, on that side of the water, was
called a chaise, was very much teased with the mode of tra-
velling, particularly as they made so little progress, and he
wanted to reach the next town at a set time. He tried
gentle means of persuasion to induce the postilion to urge
liis steeds, but in vain. After floundering about in French,
till he was out of all patience, for he was no great dab at it,
and, withal, not being in possession of any of those emphatic
phrases which are equivalent to such as Englislimen are
accustomed to vent their anger in, he bethought himself,
that, if he was not understood, he might at least frighten
the fellow by using some high-sounding words ; and col-
lecting all the powers of eloquence of which he was master,
with the voice of a Stentor, he roared into the ear of the
postilion: " Westmoreland, Cumberland. Northumherland,
Durham!" which the fellow mistaking for some ti'emen-
dous oath, accom])anied with a threat, had the desired effect,
and induced him to increase his speed.

QUOTING.

Porson, having spent an evening at a friend's house a
short distance from town, was brought the next morning to
visit his friend's neighbour, who had a learned library, and
a house full of books ; and, after apologizing for liis dress
and shoes, which were not his own, but supplied, with the
rest of his clothes, by his companion (lie having got wet
through the night previous), and quoting Horace in two
places for the awkwardness of a shoe too tight or too loose,
and Theophrastus and Theocritus, he provoked one of the
company to observe, " That the way to make the greatest
expedition was to run, as the French and Dutch and Scotch
women do, with their slippers in their hands, when they are



78 FACETIiE CANTABRIGIENSES.

pressed for time;" and quoted iEscliylus, where it is said, in
the Prometheus, " I hurried out of the carriage witliout
sandals." Upon this, Person started upon his feet, and,
fired, as a strict sportsman is when he hears a strange gun
in the preserve which he keeps for his own shooting, no
sooner were tlie three words pronounced, than lie gave
Stanley's comment and parallel passages upon them ; for
such was the local mechanism of his memory, that, mention
a line in any classic, and he would not only tell what fol-
lowed, but the subsequent clause. But to proceed : he
quoted a similar passage from Bion, which, consisting of a
broken line, a whole verse, and a broken one, he made the
most of them, and thundered them out with a menacing
gestin-e, and a strong emphasis on the last words, " without
sandals." The gentleman, who had innocently begun the
match, and had never seen Person before in a room, was
stinck with the earnestness of his manner and apparent dis-
pleasure, and determined neither to give up nor sit still, but
to follow the professor, and do as he did ; he therefore, too,
stood upon his legs, and roared out, in the words of the
next quotation in Stanley from Theocritus, " Arise, nor
stay to put the sandals on your feet." The professor was
startled to find his opponent on the same gi'ound with him-
self, and so near at his heels ; but doubting if it were not
by mere accident, he took the next passage from Horace
that followed in the commentator, to which he added the
remark of Stanley that concludes his note : namely, " that
water-nymphs went unshod, and for that reason Homer
gives Thetis the epithet of silver-footed;" and here, for he
was in the habit of seeing every body and every thing out,
as usual, he had the last word.

THE PETITION.
Dr. Boldero, formerly master of Jesus College, had been



FACETIAE CANTABRIGIENSES. 79

treated with great severity by the protectorate for his at-
tachment to the royal cause, as was Hening, at that time
Bishop of Ely, in whose gift the mastership of Jesus College
is vested. On a vacancy of the mastership occurring, Bol-
dero, without any pretensions to the appointment, in plain
English plucks up his spiiits, or, in Homer's language,
speaks to Jiis magnammous soul* and presents his j}etifion
to the Bishop. " Who are you?" says his lordship, " I
know nothing of you ! I never heard of you before !" " My
lord," replied Boldero, " I have suffered long and severely
for my attachment to my royal master, as well as your lord-
ship, and I believe your lordship and I have been in all the
^rao/s in England." "What does the fellow mean?" ex-
claimed the bishop, "Man! I never was confined in any
jjrison but the Tower!" " And, my Lord," said Boldero,
" I have been in all the i*est myself!" The bishojj's heart
was melted at this reply, and he granted Boldero's petition.

THE PRESIDENT

Of a certain college in Cambridge was one evening Us-
tening at the door of one of the under-graduates of his col-
lege, suspecting something improper to be proceeding within.
The student by some means having acquired a knowledge
of the snare, taking the j^ot de chamhre in his hand, he
suddenly opened his door, and discharged the contents
over the president, accompanied with a kick, exclaiming, at
the same time, " Get down, you rascal ! I'U tell the presi- .
dent of your listening at my door!"

STOMACHUM.

When Morton, afterwards Bishop of Durham, stood for



80 FACETIyi; CANTABRIGIENSES.

the degree of D.D. at Cambridge, lie advanced something
which was displeasing to the professor, who exclaimed, with
some warmth, " (^ommosti niihi stomachum!" 'J'o whicli