JOSHUA BARNES.

Of the above learned Cantab, Dr. Bentley, the celebrated
critic, once observed, " That he had as much Greek, and
understood it about as well, as an Athenian Blacksmith."

VERBO DIGNUS.

The Rev. Mr. Wodsworth speaking on some occasion
when Dr. Wordsworth, Master of Trinity College, Cam-
bridge, was the subject of discourse, on a gentleman, who
was of the party rising to refute an observation which
escaped the Rev. Gentleman, Dr. B — tt, a Pctrenchian,
said, he might spare himself the trouble, " for, " observed
the Dr., " he is not Verho Diguus — (Words Worth.)

DOCTOR GLYNN'S BEAUTY,
Is pretty notorious amongst liis brother Cantabs ; and
not less so, perhaps, amongst those who have seen the ex-
cellent engraving of him, (of which there exists a copy in
Maudlin Library) than to those of his own standing. A
wicked wag of the University, determined to render his
ugliness immortal, has handed it down from generation to
generation by the following —

EPIGRAM.

" This morning, quite dead, Tom was found in his bed.
Although he was hearty last night ;
'Tis thought, having seen Dr. (Jlynn in a dream,
The poor fellow died of affright."



FACETIAE CANTABRIGIENSES. 97

TILLOTSON,
Who was then Archbishop of Canterbury, on King
William's coini>laining of the shortness of his sermon, an-
swered, " Sire, could I have bestowed more time upon it,
it would not have been so lone !"

THE POST-BOY.
Dr. Roger Long, the famous astronomer, walking one
dark evening with Mr. Bonfoy, in Cambridge, and the
latter coming to a short post fixed in the pavement, which
in the earnestness of conversation he took to be a boy
standing in his way, said hastily, " Get out of my way,
boy!" "That boy. Sir," said the doctor very drily,
"is a post-boy, who never tiu-ns out of his way for
anybody."

PUNNINCx

Was, at least, no crime in the days of the first Stuarts :
neither kings nor nobles were above it. The great Lord
Bacon was reduced to sucli extreme poverty towards the
latter end of his life, that he wrote to James the First, for
assistance, in these words : — " Help me, dear sovereign
lord and master, and pity me so far, that I, who have been
born to a bay, be not now in my age forced in efiect to
bear a wallet ; nor that I, who desire to live to study,
may be driven to study to live." The following, in a
letter to Prince Charles, may not be so pardonable, par-
ticularly from so great a man : — wherein he hopes, " that,
as the father was his creator, the son will be his re-
deemer."

TFIE POKER AND TONGS.

Porson's company, as may well be supposed, was

H



98 FACETiyE CANTABRIGIENSES.

courted liy all ranks, from the combination-room to the
cider-cellar, for he mixed with all, and was to be found in
both ; and it was who shoidd assist at his evening lectures,
and who should carry away most fi-om the oracle. But
sometimes it would happen, as it does to most men, that he
was bedevilled, and, pulling a book out of his pocket, read
only to himself ; at other times he was violent, and,
catching the poker out of the fire, brandished it over his
head, to the terror of the compan\'. Of this trick, how-
ever, he was cured, once for all, by a spark of fighting
notoriety, who, on seeing Porson seize the poker, and not
being used to a furious Greek, but in the play, snatched up
the tonf/.t, observing, two could play at that game. Upon
this, the professor, with a sneer of his own, said, " I
believe, if I should crack your skull, I shoidd find it very
empty." " And if I should break your head," replied the
Irishman, " I should find it full of maggots." This retort
pleased Porson so nuich, that he retui-ned the poker to the
fire, and rejjeated a whole chapter of Roderick Random,
analogous to the affair.

" EVER SINCE HE WAS A PUPPY."

There was a coffee-room at the principal inn where
Stenie resided, about the time he wrote his " Tristram
Shandy," where gentlemen who frequented the house
might read the newspapers ; one of the greatest enjoy-
ments of Sterne's life was spending an inoffensive hour in
a snug corner of his room. There was a troop of horse at
that time quartered in the town ; one of the officers was a
gay young man, spoiled by the free intercourse of the
world, but not destitute of good qualities. This young
gentleman was remarkable for his freedom of speech, and
pointed reflections on the clergy. Yorick was often obliged
to hear toasts he coidd not approve, and conversations



FACETLE CANTABRIGIENSES. 99

shocking to the ear of deUcacy, and was frequently under
the necessity of removing his seat, or pretending deafness.
The captain, resolving this conduct sliould no longer avail
him, seated himself by Yorick, so as to prevent his retreat,
and immediately began a profane, indecent tale, at the
expense of the clerical profession, with liis eyes stedfastl_v
fixed on Yorick, who pretended not to notice liis ill
manners ; when that became impossible, he turned to the
military intruder, and gravely said, " Sir, I'll tell you my
story. My father is an officer, and is so brave himself, that
he is fond of every thing else that is brave, even his dog.
You must know we have at this time one of the finest
creatures of his kind in the world, the most spirited, yet
the best-natured that can be imagined ; so lively that he
charms everybody ; but he has a cursed trick that throws
a shade over all his good qualities." " Pray, what may
that be ?" interrogated the officer : " He never sees a cler-
gjTiian, but he instantly flies at him," answered Yorick.
" How long as he had that trick?" " Why, Sir," rephed
the divine, " ever since he was a puppy!" The man of
war for once blushed, and, after a pause, said, " Doctor, I
thank you for your hint : give me your hand ; I will never
rail at a parson again."

HEBREW.

A Cantab, when on a tour in the country, chanced to
enter a strange church, and after he had been seated some
little time, another person was ushered into the same pew

with him. The service had proceeded till the psalms were
about to be read, when the stranger pulled out of his
pocket a prayer-book, and offered to share it with the
Cantab, though he perceived he had one in liis hand. This
generosity, the Cantab perceived, proceeded from a mere

ostentatious display of his learning, as it proved to be in

H 2



100 FACETIAE CANTABRIGIENSES.

Latin ; and he immediately declined the otter by saying,
" Sir, I read notliing but Hebrew V

THE WHITE LION.
The llev. George Harvest accompanied his patron into
France, and during the necessary deliiy at some post-town,
rambled after a bookseller's shoj), and found one. There
he amused himself awhile with his favourite conjpanions,
but at last rettected that his friends were in haste to depart,
and might })e nuich incommoded by his stay. He had
forgot the name of the inn, and to expect him to find the
road, merely because he had travelled it before, was to
expect that TheHcns shoidd unravel the Da-dalean labyrinth
with the thread of Ariadne. Not a word of French could
Harvest speak to be imderstood ; but he recollected the
sign of the inn was a lion ; still how to make the book-
seller comprehend this was the difficulty. Harvest, how-
ever, tall and sturdy, raised himself, to the no small teiTor
of the bookseller, with projected and curvetting arms, into
the foniiidable attitude of a lion-rampant ; and succeeded
at length, by this happy effort, in suggesting to the imagi-
nation of the staring Erenchman the idea of a lion ! But
another difficulty, of a more arduous nature, now presented
itself; there were black, red, and white lions; of which last
colour was the lion in (juestion. Now, no two-footed
creature imder the sun could less exemplify the following
maxim, —

" That cleanliness is next to godliness,"

than the hero of this adventure ; for Harvest was habitually
very slovenly in his person. However, to complete the
aggregate, and impress the idea, not of a linn only, but of a
white-lion, upon the sensorium of Monsieur, Harvest un-
buttoned his waitcoat and displayed his shirt : but, alas /
like the mulberry-tree of old, —

" Qui color albus erat nunc est contrarius albo."



FACET17E CANTABRIGIENSES. 101

Tliis would have thrown but little light upon the subject,
liad not the polite Frenchman put a right construction
upon the case, and extricated poor Harvest from liis
difficulty by a safe conveyance to — tue wuite lion !

BILL PAID IN FULL.

At Wimpole, formerly the seat of Lord Oxford, but now
of Lord Hardwicke, there was to be seen a portrait of
Mr. Harley, the speaker, in his robes of office. Tlie active
part he took to forward the bill to settle the crown on the
house of Hanover, induced him to have a scroll painted in
his hand, bearing the title of that bill. Yet, soon after
George the First arrived in England, Ilai-ley was sent to
the Tower. This circumstance being told to Prior, whilst
he was viewing the portrait, he took a pencil out of his
pocket, and wrote on the white part of the scroll the date
of the day on which Harley was committed to the Tower,
and under it, —

" THIS BILL PAID IN FULL."

GRAY,

The poet, wrote the following character of himself,
which was found in a pocket-book after his death : —

" Too poor for a bribe, and too proud to importune,

He had not the method of making a fortune :

Could love and could hate, so was thought somewhat odd,

No very great wit, — he believed in a God;

A post or a pension he did not desire,

But left church and state to Charles Townshend and Squire.

EPIGRAM.

Person, one day visiting his brother-in-law, Mr. P ,

who at that time lived in Lancaster Court, in the Strand,



^



102 FACETIAE CANTABRIGIENSES.

found him indisposed, and under tlie influence of medicine.
On returning to tlio liouse of a connnon friend, he, of covn'se,
expected to l)e asked after the liealth of his relation. After
waiting witli jjhilosophic patience, without the expected
question being proposed, he reproached tlie company for
not giving liim an opportunity of giving the following
answer, which he had composed in his walk : —

" My Lord of Lancaster, when late I came from it.
Was taking a medicine of names not a few ;
In Greek an emetic, in Latin a vomit.

In Enghsh a puke, and in Vulgar a sp — w."

LATIMER,

The pious and learned martyr, and Bishop of Worces-
ter, who was educated at Christ College, Cambridge, and
was one of the first refomiers of the chiu'ch of England,
at a controversial conference, being out-talked by younger
divines, and out-argued by those who were more studied in
the fathers, said, " I cannot talk for my religion, but I am
ready to die for it."

WHITE TEETH.

Professor Saunderson, who occupied so disting\iised a
situation in the L-nivcrsity of Cambridge, as that of
Lucasian Professor of Mathematics, was quite blind.
Happening, on a time, to make one in a large party, he
remarked of a lady, who had just left the room, but whom
he had never before met, nor heard of, that she had very
white teeth. The company were anxious to learn how he
had discovered this, which was very true. " I have
reason," observed the professor, " to believe that the lady
is not a fool, and I can think of no other motive for her
laughing incessantly, as she did for a whole hour toge-
ther."



FACETIjE cantabkigienses. 103

JOHNIAN HOG.

Tlie following, amongst other reasons, is given as the
orighi of the students of St. John's College being deno-
minated hogs. A waggish genius espying a coffee-house
waiter carrying a dish to a Johnian, who was seated in
another box in the same coffee-house, asked, " if it were a
dish of grains !" The Johnian immediately rephed,—

« Says , the Johns eat grains; suppose it true,

They pay for what they eat ; does he so too !"

" TU ES PORCUS."

There is a custom in the University of Cambridge of
huddl'mg, as it is called, or keeping an act, after the degree
of A.B. is conferred. It so happened that a gentleman
had to keep one, whose name was Hogg, under a
moderator who was of St. John's College, the men of
which college had obtained the appellation of Johnian hogs,
as have the men of Trinity the appellation of hull-dogs ;
and maiiy other names are applied to the men of the
different colleges, for the origin of which there is little but
traditional evidence. On Mr. Hogg's mounting the rostrum,
he was addressed by the moderator, " Tu es porcus,"
(thou art a hogg.) To which Mr. Hogg retorted, " Sed
nunegrege j)orcorum," (but not of the herd of hogs).

NOVEL CONSTRUCTION OF A PAIR OF
BELLOWS.

At an examination in the Senate House, Cambridge, one
of the questions given was, " to construct a pair of common
bellows;" to which one of the students gave the following
laconic answer: — " A pipe, two boards, a piece of leather,
and a hole to put your knee in."



104 FACETI^ CANTABRIGIENSES.

BACON.

Sir Nicholas, who was educated at Corpus Christi, or
Benet College, Cambridge, being visited at his house by
Queen Eliz;il)eth, she observed, alhiding to his corpulency,
" tliat he liad built his house too little for him." " Not so,
Madam," answered lie ; " but your majesty has made me
too big for my house."

PALEY'S CONCEPTION OF THE CHARACTER
FALSTAFF.
Paley, when young, was p.u-ticularly fond of theatrical
exhibitions, especially when any eminent performer ap-
peared from the metropolis on the provinciiil boards near
where he resided. This predilection never forsook him.
In a provincial theatre, he always seated himself as near as
possible to the front of the centre box. Conversing about
the character of Fahtaff, as delineated by Shakspeare, he
remarked, " that amongst actors it was frequently misun-
derstood : he was a courtier of the age he lived in ; a man
of vivacity, humour, and wit; a great reprobate, but no
buffoon."

VALUE OF NOTHING.

Porson was no less distinguished for his wit and humour,
during his residence in Cambridge, than for his profound
learning ; and he would frequently divert himself by send-
ing quizzical morceanx, in the shape of notes, to his com-
panions. He one day sent his gyp with a note to a certain
Cantab, who is now a D.D., and Master of his College,
requesting him to find the value of nothing .' Next day he
met his friend walking, and, stopjjing him, he desired to
know, " Whether he had succeeded ?" His friend answered
— " Yes !" " And what mav it be ?" asked Porson :



FACETI.E CANTABRIGIENSES. 105

" sixpence .'" replied the Cantab, " wliicli I gave the man
for bringing the note."

SERMON.
Dr. Dodd's sermon, which was preached to some Cam-
bridge scholars extempore, from a hollow tree : —

(Copied from an old Tract.)

The following sermon was made and preached ex-
tempore by one Parson Dodd, who lived within three or
four miles of Cambridge, and who having for nigh half
a year, every Sunday, preached on the same subject,
wliicli was drunkenness, gave some of the Cambridge
scholars occasion to be displeased with him, who thought
he reflected upon them, they resolved to be even with the
doctor when an opportunity shoidd offer. Accordingly,
chance one day led the doctor in tlieir way : a company of
scholars being walking, they saw the doctor some way off,
coming towards them, and, all stopping at a gate that hung
to a hollow tree, the doctor presently came up, and they
spoke very friendly to him. " Your servant, Mr. Dodd."
" Your servant, gentlemen." "Sir, we liave one question
to ask j'ou." "What is that, gentlemen?" "Why, we
hear you have preached a long time against the sin of
drunkenness." "I have, gentlemen." "Then, doctor,
we have one request you must and shall satisfy us in."
" What is that, gentlemen ?" " Why, that you preach us
a sermon from a text that we shall choose for you." "Ap-
point your time and place, gentlemen, and I will do it."
" The time is present, and the place is here, and that hollow
tree shall be your pulpit." " That's a compulsion, gentle-
men ; a man ought to have time to consider what he is to
preach." They insisted on a compliance, or they would
use him ill; not minding any expostulations from the



106 FACETI/E CANTABRIGIENSES.

doctor, tliey accordingly forced him into the hollow tree.
Tlie word they gave him for his text was iiKiJt ! from which
lie preached the following short, but eloquent sermon.

THE SERMON.

My brethren, let me crave your reverend attention : I
am a little man, come at a short warning, to preach you a
short sermon, to a thin congregation, in an unworthy pulpit.
Brethren, my text is malt : now I cannot divide it into
sentences, because there are none ; nor into words, it being
but one ; nor into syllahlcs, it being but one also ; therefore,
I must, and necessity will oblige or rather force me to di-
vide it into letters, which I find in my text to be four, M,
A, L, T. M, my beloved, is moral, A allegorical, L literal,
and T theological. Moral, my brethren, is well set forth
to show and teach you diiinkards good manners ; where-
fore, M my masters, A all of you, L listen, T to my text.

A, the allegorical, is when one thing is spoken of and
another meant ; the tiling spoken of is malt, the thing
meant is the oil of malt, or rather the spirit or strength of
the malt, properly called strong beer; which you, gentle-
men, make M your meat, A your apparel, L your libertg,
and T your treasure. Now the literal is according to the
letter, M much, A ale, L little, T thirst. Now the theolo-
gical is according to the efi'ects that it worketh, which I
find in my text to be of two kinds : first in this ; secondly,
in tlie world to come. Now the effects that I find it
worketh in this world, are, in some M murder, in others A
adultery, in all L looseness of life, and in many T treason.
Now, the effects that I find it worketh in the world to
come, are M misery, A anguish, L lamentation, and T
tornicnt. Now, my first use sliall be a use of exhortation :
M my masters, A all of you, L leave off, T tippling ; or else
M my masters, A all of you, L look for, T torment. Now,



FACETI^ CANTABRIGIENSES. 107

SO much shall suffice for this exjilication ; next only, by
way of caution, take this for an inviolable truth, that a
drunkard is the annoyance of modesty ; the distm-ber of
civiUtij ; a spoiler of wealth; the destroyer of reason;
the brewer's agent ; the ale house's benefactor ; the beg-
gar's eompanion ; the constable's perplexity ; his wife's woe ;
liis children's sorrow ; his neighbour's scoff ; his own shame ;
and a wilful madman : by which he becomes a true and
lively representation of a walking swill-tub, or a tavern
Bacchus, in a monster of a man, by the picture of a beast.
So, now, gentlemen, to conclude, I shall leave you, under

the protection of the Almighty, to follow your own direc-
tions.

FAREWELL.

To say well and do well

Ends with a letter ;
To say well it is well,

But to do well is better :
Then take the best part

Set down in this rhyme.
Consider it well.

And act it in time.

"THEY ARE MINE."

A fellow of King's College, Cambridge, seated near an
open window telling some bank-notes, was disconcerted by
a breeze of wind suddenly blowing them out. He ran into
the court in order to recover them, and, when below, look-
ing up as they floated in the air, he espied the Provost
looking down from an opposite window, upon which the
disconsolate owner of the notes, in his anxiety, holding up
liis hands in a supplicating posture, exclaimed, They are
mine! They are mine!



108 TACETI^ CANTABRIGIENSES.

"IBI SUNT CUNICULI."

Some students on a lime, went out shooting rabbits, and
it so happened that \\\v\ liad one amongst their party who
was luiaccustomed to the sport. They gave him strict
cliarge that ho should not speak if lie saw any game. After
some time had elapsed, espying some rabbits, he bawled to
his companions, " Ibi sunt cuniculi .'" at which the game
fled. Being reproved for disobeying orders, he answered,
" Who the devil would liave thought tliat rabbits under-
stood Latin ?"

REFORMATION.

Judge Burnet, son of the famous Bishop of Salisburj',
when young, is said to have been of a wild and dissipated
turn. Being one day found by the bishop in a very serious
humour, "What is the matter with you, Tom?" said he,
" what are you ruminating on?" " A greater work than
your lordship's History of the Reformation," answered the
son. "Ay! what is that?" said the bishop?" " The re-
formation of myxcif, my lord," answered the son.

AN EXPEDIENT.

A Cantab, who had run up a reckoning at a house of
entertaiinnent some distance from Cambridge, having no
money withal to discharge it, hit upon the following expe-
dient. The host being present, he began to condemn the
^nne, protesting it was execrably bad, observing — "that
his taste was delicate, as his father was a wine-merchant ;
but, if the landlord woiUd pennit him to look at the cask,
he had a composition with him which woidd make it better."
The host consenting to try the experiment, they accordingly
repaired to the cellar, when the Cantab bored a hole in the
cask, and told the landlord to place his finger upon it, whilst



FACETI.E CANTABRIGIENSES. 109

he stepped up stairs foi- the powder, which lie said he had
forgotten. The landlord, waiting a long time, and finding
that the Cantab did not come down, out of all patience,
went up, and, lo ! his guest had departed.

ELEGANT COMPLIMENT.
Mr. Henry Erskine, being one day in London, in com-
pany with the Duchess of Gordon, said to her, " Are we
never again to enjoy the honour and pleasure of your
gi-ace's society at Edinburgh ?" " O !" answered her grace,
" Edinburgh is a vile dull place: I hate it." "Madam,"
rephed the gallant barrister, " the siui might as well say,
there's a vile dark morning, — I won't rise to day."

BACON.

A malefactor, under sentence of death, pretending that
he was related to him, on that account petitioned Lord
Chancellor Bacon for a reprieve. To which petition his
lordship answered, " that he could not possibly be Bacon
till he had first been hung."

DOG LATIN.

On a time, two fellows of a college in Cambridge, riding
together towards the Gog-Magog Hills, it chanced that a
dog ran in the way of one of their horses : upon which
the gentleman, to show that he had been a sportsman in
his youth, calls out ^^ helium eqnus." "Well done, old
friend," cried his companion, " I see you have not forgot
your doy-lutin."

AN AWKWARD SITUATION.

A priest sitting with his companions, over his beer, at
the door of a country alehouse, as in those days they did
not scruple to do, upon some one mentioning the arch-



110 FACETI^- CANTABRIGIENSES.

bishoj), wlu) at the time was Cranmer, "That man," said
the priest, " as great as he now is, was once but an ostler,
and has no more learning than the goslings yonder on the
green. " Lord Essex, who was a great friend to Cranmer,
hearing of it, despatched a messenger and had him appre-
hended. Some months after, the archbishop, who was
entirely ignorant of the affair, received a petition from the
priest, full of penitence for his imprudence, and supplica-
ting for mercy. The primate sent for liim, and inquired
into the affair. " I hear," said he to the priest, " you have
accused me of many things ; amongst others, of being a
very ignorant man. You have now an opportimity of
setting your neighbours right in this matter, and may
exam'me me, if you please." The priest, in great confusion,
besought his gi-ace to pardon him ; and he never would
offend in the same way again. " Well, then," says the
archbishop, " since you will not examhie me, let me exa-
mine you." Tlie priest was thunderstnick, nuiking many
excuses, and owning he was not much learned in book-
matters. The archbishop told him, he should not then go
very deep ; and asked him two or three of the plainest
questions in the Bible : as, " Who was David's father ? and
who was Solomon's?" The priest, confused at his own
ignorance, stood speechless. " You see (said the arch-
bishop) how your accusation of me rises against yourself.
You are an admirable judge of learning and learned men.
Well, my friend, 1 had no hand in bringing you here, and
have no desire to keep you. Get home ; and, if you are
an ignorant man, learn at least to be an honest one."

PROPER DISTINCTION.

An under-graduate, invited by the peculiar beauty there-
of, had unconsciously strayed into the garden of a certain
D. D., then master of the college adjoining. He liad not



FACETI^ CANTABRIGIENSES. Ill

been there many minutes, when Dr. entered

himself, and, perceiving the student, in no very courteous