has fucceeded fhovver, though they predicted fun-
Ihine and dry ikies; and by fatal confidence in thefe
fallacious promifes, many coats have loft their glofs,
and many curls been moiftened to fkccidity.
This is one of the diftrefles to which mortals fub-
ject themfelves by the pride of fpeculation. I had
no part in this learned difappointment, who am con-
tent to credit my fenfes, and to believe that rain will
fall when the air blackens, and that the weather will
be dry when the fun is bright. My caution indeed
does not always preferve me from a fhovver. To be
wet, may happen to the genuine Idler \ but to be wet
in oppofition to theory, can befal only the Idler that
pretends to be bufy. Of thofe that fpin out life in
trifles, and die without a memorial, many flatter
themfelves with high opinions of their own import-
ance, and imagine that they are every day adding
fome improvement to human life. To be idle and
to be poor, have always been reproaches, and there-
fore every man endeavours, with his utmoft care, to
hide his poverty from others, and his idlenefs from
himfelf.
Among thofe whom I never could perfuade to rank
themfelves with Idlers, and who fpeak with indigna-
tion
N 17. T H E I D L E R. 6$
tion of my morning fleeps and nocturnal rambles;
one pafles the day in catching fpiders, that he may
count their eyes with a microfcope ; another ere&s
his head, and exhibits the dull of a marigold fepa-
rated from the flower with a dexterity worthy of
Leeuzvcnhoeck himfelf. Some turn the wheel of elec-
tricity; fome fufpend rings to a load-flone, and find
that what they did yefterday they can do again to-
day. Some regifter the changes of the wind, and
die fully convinced that the wind is changeable.
There are men yet more profound, who have heard
that two colourlefs liquors may produce a colour by
union, and that two cold bodies will grow hot if
they are mingled , they mingle them, and produce
the effect expefled, fay it is ftrange, and mingle them
again.
The Idkrs that fport only with inanimate nature
may claim fome indulgence ; if they are ufelefs, they
are Hill innocent : but there are others, whom I
know not how to mention without more emotion
than my love of quiet willingly admits. Among
the inferior profeflbrs of medical knowledge, is a
race of wretches, whofe lives are only varied by va-
rieties of cruelty ; whofe favourite amufement is^ to
nail dcgs to tables and open them alive; to try how
long life may be continued in various degrees of
mutilation, or with the excifion or laceration of the
vital parts; to examine whether burning irons are
felt more acutely by the bone or tendon ; and
whether the more lafting agonies are produced by
poifon forced into the mouth, or injected into the
veins.
VOL. VII. F It
66 THE IDLER. N 17.
It is not without reluctance that I offend the fen-
fibility of the tender mind with images like thefe.
If fuch cruelties were not pradtifed, it were to be
delired that they fhould not be conceived , but, fince
they are publilhed every day with oftentation, let me
be allowed once to mention them, fince I mention
them with abhorrence.
Mead has invidioufly remarked of Woodward, that
he gathered Ihells and ftones, and would pafs for a
philofopher. With preteniions much lefs reafon-
able, the anatomical novice tears out the living
bowels of an animal, and flyles himfelf phyfician,
prepares himfelf by familiar cruelty for that pro-
feffion which he is to exercife upon the tender and
the helplefs, upon feeble bodies and broken minds,
and by which he has opportunities to extend his
arts of torture, and continue thofe experiments upon
infancy and age, which he has hitherto tried upon
cats and dogs.
What is alledged in defence of thefe hateful prac-
tices, every one knows ; but the truth is, that by
knives, fire, and poifon, knowledge is not always
fought, and is very feldom attained. The experi-
ments that have been tried, are tried again ; he that
burned an animal with irons yefterday, will be willing
to amufe himfelf with burning another to-morrow.
I know not, that by living difledions any difcovery
has been made by which a fingle malady is more
eafily cured. And if the knowledge of phyfiology
has been fomewhat encreafed, he furely buys know-
ledge dear, who learns the ufe of the ladleals at the
expence of his humanity. It is time that univerfal
refentment
N iy. T H E I D L E R. 67
refentment Ihould arile againfl: thcfe horrid opera-
tions, which tend to harden the heart, extinguifa
thofe fenfations which give man confidence in man,
and make the phyfician more dreadful than the gout
or (lone.
NUMB. 1 8. SATURDAY, Auguft 12, 1758*
To the IDLE R
SIR,
IT commonly happens to him who endeavours to
obtain diflindion by ridicule, or cenfurc, that he
teaches others to pradtife his own arts againfl him-
felf ; and that, after a Ihort enjoyment of the ap*
plaufe paid to his fagacity, or of the mirth excited
by his wit, he is doomed to fuffer the fame feverities
of fcr.uti.ny, to hear inquiry detecting his faults, and
exaggeration fporting with his failings*
The natural difcontent of inferiority will feldom
fail to operate in fome degree of malice againfl him
who profeffes to fuperintend the conduct of others,
efpecially if he feats himfelf uncalled in the chair
of judicature, and exercifes authority by his own
commiffion.
You cannot, therefore, wonder that your obferva-
tions on human folly, if they produce laughter at
one time, awaken criticifm at another ; and that
among the numbers whom you have taught to feoff
F 2 at
68 T H E I D L E 11. N 18.
at the retirement of Drugget, there is one who offers
his apology.
The miftake of your old friend is by no means
peculiar. The publick pleafures of far the greater
part of mankind are counterfeit. Very few carrf
their philofophy to places of diverfion, or are very
careful to analyfe their enjoyments, 'i he general
condition of life is fo full of mifery, that we are
glad to catch delight without enquiring whence it
comes, or by what power it is beftowed.
The mind is feldom quickened to very vigorous
operations but by pain, or the dread of pain. We
do not diflurb ourfelves with the detection of fal-
lacies which do us no harm, nor willingly decline a
pleafing effeft to invefligate its caufe. He that is
happy, by whatever means, defires nothing but the
continuance of happinefs, and is no more felicitous
to diftribute his fenfations into their proper fpecies,
than the common gazer on the beauties of the fpring
to feparate light into its original rays.
Pleafure is therefore feldom fuch as it appears to
others, nor often fuch as we reprefent it to ourfelves.
Of the ladies that fparkle at a mufical performance,
a very fmall number has any quick fenfibility of har-
monious founds. But every one that goes has her
pleafure. She has the pleafure of wearing fine
clothes, and of {hewing them, of outfhining thofe
whom flie fufpe&s to envy her ; Ihe has the pleafure
of appearing among other ladies in a place whither
the race of meaner mortals feldom intrudes, and of
reflefting that, in the converfations of the next morn-
ing, her name will be mentioned among thofe that
fat
N 1 8. T H E I D L E R. 69
fat in the firft row ; fhe has the pleafure of returning
courtefies, or refuting to return them, of receiving
compliments with civility, or rejecting them with
difdain. She has the pleafure of meeting fome of
her acquaintance, of gueffing why the reft are ab-
fent, and of telling them that fhe law the opera, on
pretence of inquiring why they would mifs it. She
has the pleafure of being fuppofed to be pleafed with
a refined amufement, and of hoping to be numbered
among the votrefles of harmony. She has the plea-
fure of efcaping for two hours the fuperiority of a
lifter, or the controul of a hufband ; and from all
thefe pleafures ihe concludes, that heavenly mufick
is the balm of life.
All aiTemblies of gaiety are brought together by
motives of the fame kind. The theatre is not filled
with thofe that know or regard the fkill of the actor,
nor the ball-room by thofe who dance, or attend to
the dancers. To all places of general refort, where
the ftandard of pleafure is ere&ed, we run with equal
eagernefs, or appearance of eagernefs, for very dif-
ferent reafons. One goes that he may fay he has
been there, another becaufe he never mifles. This
man goes to try what he can find, and that to difco-
ver what others find. Whatever diverfion is coftly
will be frequented by thofe who defire to be thought
rich ; and whatever has, by any accident, become
fafhionable, eafily continues its reputation, becaufe
every one is afhamed of not partaking it.
To every place of entertainment we go with ex-
pectation and defire of being pleafed ; we meet
others who are brought by the fame motives ; no
one will bj the firft to own the difappointment ; one
F 3 face
?o THE IDLER. N 18.
face reflects the fmile of another, till each believes
the reft delighted, and endeavours to catch and
tranfmit the circulating rapture. In time all are
deceived by the cheat to which all contribute. The
fition of happinefs is propagated by every tongue,
and confirmed by every look, till at laft all profefs
the joy which they do not feel, confent to yield to
the general delufion ; and when the voluntary dream
is at an end, lament that blifs is of fo fhort a dura-
tion.
If Drugget pretended to pleafures of which he had
no perception, or boafted of one amufement where
he was indulging another, what did he which is not
done by all thofe who read his (lory ? of whom forrie
pretend delight in converfation, only becaufe they
dare not be alone -, fome praife the quiet of folitude,
becaufe they are envious of fenfe, and impatient of
folly ; and iome gratify their pride, by writing cha-
raders which expofe the vanity of life.
1 am, SIR,
Your humble Servant.
NUMB.
N 19. THE IDLER. 71
NUMB. 19. SATURDAY, Augufl 19, 1758.
SOME of thofe ancient fages that have exeucifed
their abilities in the enquiry after the fupreme
good, have been of opinion, that the higheft degree of
earthly happinefs is quiet; a calm repofe both of
mind and body, undifturbed by the fight of folly or
the noife of bufineis, the tumults of publick com-
motion, or the agitations of private intereft ; a ftate
in which the mind has no other employment, but to
obferve and regulate her own motions, to trace
thought from thought, combine one image with
another, raife fyftems of fcience, and form theories of
virtue.
To the fcheme of thefe folitary fpeculatifts, it has
been juftly objected, that if they are happy, they are
happy only by being ufelefs. That mankind is one
vaft republick, where every individual receives many
benefits from the labours of others, which, by labour-
ing in his turn for others, he is obliged to repay;
and that where the united efforts of all are not able
to exempt all from mifery, none have a right to
withdraw from their tafk of vigilance, or to be in-
dulged in idle wifdom or folitary pleafures.
It is common for controvertifts, in the heat of dif-
putation, to add one petition to another till they
reach the extremities of knowledge, where truth and
falfehood lofe their diftindtion. Their admirers fol-
low them to the brink of abfurdity, and then ftart
back from each fide towards the middle point. So
F 4 it
72 T II E I D L E R. N i 9 .
it has happened in this great difquifition. Many
perceive alike the force of the contrary arguments,
find quiet fhameful, and buiinefs dangerous, and
therefore pafs their lives between them, in buille
without buiinefs, and negligence without quiet.
Among the principal names of this moderate fet
is that great philofopher Jack Wbirler, whole bufi-
nefs keeps him in perpetual motion, and whofe mo-
tion always eludes his bufmefs; who is always to do
what he never does, who cannot (land ill 11 becaufe
he is wanted in another place, and who is wanted in
many places becaufe he (lays in none.
Jack has more bufinefs than he can conveniently
tranfadt in one houfe ; he has therefore one habita-
tion near Bow-Church, and another about a mile dif-
tant. By this ingenious diftribution of himfelf be-
tween two houfes, Jack has contrived to be found at
neither. Jack's trade is extenfive, and he has many
dealers-, his converfation is fprightly, and he has ma-
ny companions ; his difpofition is kind, and he has
many friends. Jack neither forbears pleafure for
bufinefs, nor omits bufinefs for pleafure, but is equal-
ly invifible to his friends and his cuftomers ; to him
that comes with an invitation to a club, and to him
that waits to fettle an account.
When you call at his houfe, his clerk tells you, tbat
Mr. Wbir'ler was juft ftept out, but will be at home
exactly at two; you wait at a coffee-houfe till two, and
then find that he has been at home, and is gone out
again, but left word that he mould be at the Half-
moon tavern at feven, where he hopes to meet you. At
feven you go to the tavern. At eight in comes Mr.
Wbirler to tell you, that he is glad to fee you, and
only
NO 19. T H E I D L E R. 73
only begs leave to run for a few minutes to a gentle-
man that lives near the Exchange^ from whom he will
return before fupper can be ready. Away he runs to
the Exchange, to tell thofe who are waiting for him,
that he muft beg them to defer the bufinefs till to-
morrow, becaufe his time is come at the Half-moon.
Jack's cheerfulnefs and civility rank him among
thofe whofe prefence never gives pain, and whom all
receive with fondnefs and careffes. He calls ofren on
his friends, to tell them, that he will come again to-
morrow; on the morrow he comes again, to tell them
how an unexpected fummons hurries him away.
When he enters a houfe, his iirft declaration is, that
he cannot fit down ; and fo fhort are his vifits, that
he feldom appears to have come for any other reafon
but to fay, He muft go.
The dogs of Egypt^ when third brings them to
the Nile, are faid to run as they drink for fear of the
crocodiles. Jack Whirler always dines at full fpeed.
He enters, finds the family at table, fits familiarly
down, and fills his plate; but while the firft morfel
is in his mouth, hears the clock ftrike, and rifes ; then
goes to another houfe, fits down again, recollects
another engagement; has only time totafte thefoup,
makes a fhort excufe to the company, and continues
through another flreet his defultory dinner.
But, overwhelmed as he is with bufinefs, his chief
defire is to have flill more. Every new propofal
takes pofleffion of his thoughts ; he foon balances
probabilities, engages in the project, brings it al-
moft to completion, and then forfakes it for another,
which he catches with fome alacrity, urges with the
fame
74 T H E I D L E 11. N i 9 .
fame vehemence, and abandons with the fame cold-
nefs.
Every man may be obferved to have a certain
ftrain of lamentation, fome peculiar theme of com-
plaint on which he dwells in his moments of dejec-
tion. Jack's topick of forrow is the want of time.
Many an excellent defign languifhes in empty theory
for want of time. For the omiffion of any civilities,
want of time is his plea to others ; for the negledt of
any affairs, want of time is his excufe to himfelf.
That he wants time,* he fincerely believes ; for he
once pined away many months with a lingering dif-
temper, for want of time to attend his health.
Thus Jack IVbirler lives in perpetual fatigue with-
out proportionate advantage, becaufe he does not
confider that no man can fee all with his own eyes,
or do all with his own hands , that whoever is en-
gaged in multiplicity of bufinefs, muft tranfacl: much
by fubftitution, and leave fomething to hazard ; and
that he who attempts to do all, will wafte his life in
doing little.
NUMB.
20. THE IDLER* 75
NUMB, 20. SATURDAY, Augujl 26, 1758.
THERE is no crime more infamous than the
violation of truth. It is apparent that men
can be focial beings no longer than they believe each
other. When fpeech is employed only as the ve-
hicle of falfehood, every man muft difunite himfelf
from others, inhabit his own cave, and feek prey only
for himfelf.
Yet the law of truth, thus facred and neceflary, is
broken without punilhment, without cenfure, in com-
pliance with inveterate prejudice and prevailing paf-
iions. Men are willing to credit what they wifh,
and encourage rather thofe who gratify them with
pleafure, than thofe that inftrucl: them with fide-
lity.
For this reafon every hiftorian difcovers his
country; and it is impoffible to read the different ac-
counts of any great event, without a wifti that truth
J O
had more power over partiality.
Amidft the joy of my countrymen for the acqui-
iition of Loui/lourg, I could not forbear to confider
how differently this revolution of American power is
not only now mentioned by the contending nations,
but will be reprefented by the writers of another
century.
The Englijh hiflorian will imagine himfelf barely
doing juftice to EngVijh virtue, when he relates
4 the
76 T H E I D L E R. N2c.
the capture of Louijbourg in the following man-
ner:
" The Englijh had hitherto feen, with great in-
" dignation, their attempts baffled and their force
*' defied by an enemy, whom they confidered them-
* felves as entitled to conquer by the right of pre-
" fcfiption, and whom many ages of hereditary
" fuperiority had taught them to defpife. Their
6t fleets were more numerous, and their feamen
" braver, than thofe of France ; yet they only floated
" ufelefs on the ocean, and the French derided them
61 from their ports. Misfortunes, as is ufual, pro-
" duced difcontent, the people murmured at the
" minifters, and the minifters cenfured the com-
t( manders.
ts In the fummer of this year, the Englljb began
" to find their fuccefs anfwerable to their caufe.
* { A fleet and an army were fent to America to
*' diflodge the enemies from the fettlements which
" they had fo perfidioufly made, and fo infolently
" maintained, and to reprefs that power which was
** growing more every day by the affociation of the
" Indians y with whom thefe degenerate Europeans
" intermarried, and whom they fecured to their
** party by prefents and promifes.
" In the beginning of June the fhips of war and
" veffels containing the land-forces appeared before
" Louijbourg, a place fo fecure by nature that art
" was almofl fuperfluous, and yet fortified by art
" as if nature had left it open. The French boafted
" that it was impregnable, and fpoke with fcorn
<f of all attempts that could be made againft it.
44 The
N20. T H E I D L E Px. 77
" .The garrifon was numerous, the (lores equal to
" the longeft fiege, and their engineers and com-
" manders high in reputation. The mouth of the
" harbour was fo narrow, that three Ihips within
" might eafily defend it againft all attacks from
" the fea. The French had, with that caution
" which cowards borrow from fear and attribute to
" policy, eluded our fleets, and fent into that
" port five great fhips and fix fmaller, of which
t( they funk four in the mouth of the paffage,
" having raifed batteries, and pofted troops, at all
" the places where they thought it poUible to make
" a defcent. The Englijh, however, had more to
(t dread from the roughnefs of the fea, than from
" the {kill or bravery of the defendants. Some
" days pa(Ted before the furges, which rife very
" high round that ifland, would fuffer them to
*' land. At laft their impatience could be re-
" {trained no longer; they got pofleffion of the
" Ihore with little lofs by the fea, and with lefs by
" the enemy. Jn a few days the artillery was land-
* e ed, the batteries were raifed, and the French had
*' no other hope than to efcape from one poft ta
'* another. A {hot from the batteries fired the
" powder in one of their largeft {hips, the flame
" fpread to the two next, and all three were de-
i( ftroyed; the EngliJJj admiral fent his boats againft
* e the two large {hips yet remaining, took them
" without refiftance, and terrified the garrifon to an
" immediate capitulation."
Let us now oppofe to this Engliflj narrative the re-
lation which will be produced, about the fame time,
by the writer of the age of Louis XV.
" About
78 T H E I D L E R. N 20.
" About this time the Engli/h admitted to the
" conduct of affairs a man who undertook to lave
" from deftrudtion that ferocious and turbulent
" people, who, from the mean infolence of wealthy
" traders, and the lawlefs confidence of fuccefbful
" robbers, were now funk in defpair and ftupified
" with horror. He called in the Ihips which had
" been difperfed over the ocean to guard their mer-
" chants, and fent a fleet and an army, in which
" almoft the whole ftrcngth of 'England was com-
" prifed, to fecure their pofleffions in America,
if which were endangered alike by the French arms
" and the French virtue. We had taken the Englijh
" fortrefles by force, arid gained the Indian nations
* c by humanity. The Englijh> wherever they come,
" are fure to have the natives for their enemies; for
" the only motive of their fettlements is avarice,
" and the only confequence of their fuccefs is op-
" preffion. In this war they aded like other bar-
" barians, and, with a degree of outrageous
" cruelty, which the gentienefs of our manners
" fcarcely fuffers us to conceive, offered rewards
" by open proclamation to thofe who ihould bring
" in the fcalps of Indian women and children. A
" trader always makes war with the cruelty of a
(c pirate.
" They had long looked with envy and with ter-
" ror upon the influence which the French exerted
" over all the northern regions of America by the
'* pofleffion of L'ouijbwrgi a place naturally ftrong,
" and new fortified with fome flight outworks.
They hoped to furprize the garrifon unprovided ;
but that flnggifhnefs which always defeats their
" malice,
...
tl
**
N 20. T H E I D L E R. 79
" malice, gave us time to fend fupplies, and to
" ftation fhips for the defence of the harbour.
" They came before Louijbuurg in June> and were
(f for fome time in doubt whether they fhould land.
" But the commanders, who had lately feen an ad-
" miral beheaded for not having done what he had
not power to do, durft not leave the place unaf-
faulted. An EngUJhman has no ardour for ho-
nour, nor zeal for duty; he neither values glory
" nor loves his king; but balances one danger with
" another, and will fight rather than be hanged.
" They therefore landed, but with great lofs; their
" engineers had, in the laft war with the French,
" learned fomething of the military fcience, and
" made their approaches with fufficient Ikill; but
" all their efforts had been without effedt, had not a
" ball unfortunately fallen into the powder of one of
" our fhips, which communicated the fire to the reft,
" and, by opening the paffage of the harbour,
" obliged the garrifon to capitulate. Thus was
*' Louijbour% loft, and our troops marched out with
" the admiration of their enemies, who durft hardly
" think themfelves matters of the place,"
NUMB.
So T H E I D L E R. N2i.
NUMB. 21. SATURDAY, September 2, 1758.
To the IDLE R.
DEAR Mr. IDLER,
THERE is a fpecies of mifery, or of difeafe,
for which our language is commonly fuppofed
to be without a name, but which I think is emphati-
cally enough denominated liftleflhefs, and which is
commonly termed a want of fomething to do.
Of the unhappinefs of this ftate I do not expect all
your readers to have an adequate idea. Many are
overburthened with bufinefs, and can imagine no
comfort but in reft; many have minds fo placid, as
willingly to indulge a voluntary lethargy; or fo nar-
row, as eafily to be filled to their utmoft capacity.
By thefe I mall not be underflood, and therefore
cannot be pitied. Thofe only will fympathize with
my complaint, whofe imagination is adlive and re
folution weak, whofe defires are ardent, and whofe
choice is delicate; who cannot fatisfy themfelves
with {landing ftill, and yet cannot find a motive to
diredt their courfe.
I was the fecond fon of a gentleman, whofe eftate
was barely fufficient to fupport himfelf and his heir
in the dignity of killing game. He therefore made
ufe of the intereft which the alliances of his family
afforded him, to procure me a poft in the army. I
pafled fome years in the moil contemptible of all
I human
N2i. T H E I D L E R. 81
human ftations, that of a foldier in time of peace.
I wandered with the regiment as the quarters were