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WHAT'S TO NIGHT.
WWi Conisfjt?
A CHANUKKAH FARCE COMEDY IN TWO ACTS.
By SAMUEL S gROSSMAN
Copyright hlovemher 1911
DRAMATIS PERSONAE.
( Characters in the order in which
they appear.)
JuDAH The Oldest Boy, a Poet
Martha The Oldest Girl
Gertrude A "Cry-Baby"
Simon A "Busy Little Man"
Mrs. Jacoi? Greexp.aum. .Their Mother
Nora The Irish Hired Girl
Mr. Jacob Greenbaum. ...Their Father
Bessie The Youngest of the Family
PLACE — A room in the Greenbaum
liome.
TIME — The Sunday afternoon before
Chanukkah.
SYNOPSIS OE CHARACTERS.
JuDAH. age about 15: a thoughtful
Ijov. incHned to be poetical ; the oldest of
the Greenbaum children.
Martha, age about 13; a neat little
school girl.
Gertrude, age about 9 ; always cryhig
about something or other, until she finds
out What's Tonight.
Simon, age about 11 ; a comical little
fellow, interested in war stories, and al-
ways pretending to be in a hurry and
very busy.
Nora, an Irish servant, with a love for
Jewish customs and holidays.
Mr. and Mrs. Greenbaum, parents of
tl'iese children ; good Jews.
Bessie, the youngest of the family ; a
tot of about 6. attending Sunday school
in the afternoon.
Scene — A room in the home of the
Greenbaum family. Entrances at right
and left, leading to inner room and
kitchen: at back, center, leading out-
side. On the stage there is a table, in
the center: choirs around the table, and
tzi'o chairs or settees front stage, on each
side: also ordinary properties, such as
clock, etc., and near the back center en-
tiance^a clothes and hat hanger.
(As the curtain rises Judah is discov-
ered at a seat by the table. He is read-
ing zvith great interest a letter in his
hand.. Martha enters, and quietly takes
a place behind his chair, u^atching him
closely as she advances front the right
ciit ranee.)
Martha —
Well, well, Judah, so you are writ-
ing poetry again ! Just like you !
What are you trying to rhyme now?
Judah (looking up and hiding the letter)
No, no, Martha, I'm not trying to
write poetrv at all just now. Here is
something that is dearer to us than
all the rhymes I could ever write.
Martha (catching sight of the paper, jo\-
fully)—
Oh, a letter from father I Poor
father, he is always traveling to other
cities on business, and is never home,
except for the Jewish holidays. â– Let
me see that letter. What does papa
write ?
Judah (takes the letter to himself) —
No, no ! You must not see it before
the rest of the children, Martha. This
is a special note from father to be
read only when all the children get
together.
Martha—
That's strange. There must be
something awfully queer in it. for he
has never written like that before.
You know, Judah, he usually writes
only to mother. Do let me see it !
Judah —
I am sorry. The envelope says this
^A^ HAT'S TO NIGHT.
is for all of us children, and so you
will have to wait, that's all!
Martha (begging) —
Ah, please, mayn't I see it? The
rest of the children won't care, any-
how.
Judah —
O yes, Gertrude —
MartJta—
Gertrude ! Why, she is a such a cry-
baby. All she can do is to cry. She
won't understand what the letter
means at all.
Judah —
But Simon?
Martha —
He won't care. He is such a sleepy-
head about these things. All he knows
is war stories and Alger books. He
won't care, I'm sure.
Judah —
You mustn't think that way of
them, Martha, for I'm sure they both
love papa very much,, and would not
want to miss a single word of the let-
ter, whether they understood or not.
And how about the baby, Bessie?
Martha —
Ha, ha ! You don't mean to read it
to the baby, do you? Why, she is only
6 years old, and isn't home, anyhow.
She's in Sunday school this afternoon,
because she's too small to get up and
go in the morning. Do let me see the
letter, won't you, Judah?
Judah —
No, Martha, I shan't disobey
father's instructions. We won't wait
for the baby, but the rest must hear it.
Calling ofif the stage and rising) Ger-
trude ! Simon ! Come on, everybody.
I have something good here for you !
(Meanzvhile puts the letter in his
pocket. Turning, he sees Martha sob-
bing. )
Martha (sobbing) —
You're a mean, mean brother, that's
all. Every book that I have ever read
that has poets in it says they're all
nice to their sisters, and you — you
make up a lot of poetry, and you
aren't a bit nice to me — you even
won't let me see the letter, so there!
Judah (turns to her and pets her) —
Come, come, Martha!. Don't you
know I like you very much, as all
brothers should like their sisters, and
didn't I even write you a poem for
your doll when she hurt the sawdust
in her head? You mustn't tell me to
do what mamma told me not to do,
just because I'm your brother, must
you?
(Here the voice of Gertrude, crying,
is heard tvithoiit, and both turn to the
right, ivherc the sobbing comes from,.)
Martha —
No, but why don't you let me see
the letter? Oh, here comes Gertrude,
the Cry-Baby herself ! Now you can
read the letter !
(Enter Gertrude. She is sobbing and
crying in one tone during all of the
following scenes until otherwise men-
tioned, zuith her arm over her eyes,
and her zvhole body convulsed.)
Gertrude —
Boo-hoo-hoo-hoo! (Cries as she ad-
vances slozvly across the stage. Judah
takes a step' forzvard and attempts to
soothe her.)
Judah —
What's the matter now, Gertrude?
Gertrude (cries harder zvithout reply-
ing)—
Boo-hoo !
Martha—
Oh, she's always crying !
Gertrude (same action) —
Boo-hoo-boo-hoo-boorhoo !
Martha (angrily) —
I wonder if there is anything in all
the world that would make her stop
crying. (Judah, in despair, trying to
calm her, motions to Martha to be
quiet and sit dozvn by the table. She
does so zvith an nnzviUing air, zvhile
Judah and the still-sobbing Gertrude
zvalk front stage.)
Judah (petting her) — -
Come, come, Gertrude, tell your big
brother what's the matter. Has any-
one hurt you?
Gertrude (same crying tone) —
No-o-oh. Boo-hoo-hoo !
WHAT'S TO NIGHT.
Jiidah —
Or called you names ?
Gertrude (same action) —
No-o-oh, boo-hoo !
Jndah (impatiently) —
Well, what is the matter, then?
Gertrude (still crying very hard, and
speaking in a sobbing voice) —
Boo-hoo — Last S-Sunday I went to
Sunday school — boo-hoo — and the
other girls knew their lessons better
than I did — boo-hoo —
Jndah —
Well?
Gertrude —
And that — boo-hoo — that's what
made me cry — boo-hoo.
Jndah (smiling) —
Too bad. indeed ! You should have
done vour work better today ; that's
all.
Gertrude (still crying as before) —
I d-d-did ! This morning I went to
Sunday school — boo-hoo — and I knew
my lessons better than they did — boo !
Martha —
Well, that's good! What of that?
Gertrude —
And that's what made me cry — boo-
hoo!
Jndah (turning to Martha unth a dis-
gusted air; tJicn speaking to Gertrude,
whom he leads to the seat at the front
of the stage) —
What a silly little girl you are to
cry over every little thing. But do
stop sobbing that way (she cries
harder) and I'll read you a letter.
Martha (at the table) —
Guess who it's from : it's really from
father, from '''New York !
Gertrude —
I do so want to see father ! Boo-
hoo-hoo-hoo !
Judah (seating her) —
Here, if you'll only sit down and
keep quiet for five minutes, you'll hear
from father. (She sits front stage,
still sobbing, but in a lozvered tone.)
*NoTE — For New York productions of
this play the heading of the letter should
be changed to some other city.
Gertrude —
All right, I won't cr> — boo-hoo!
Jndah —
Now I'll start! (He takes out the
letter from his pocket and zvalks over
to the table. As he is about to start
Gertrude bursts out crying again.)
Gertrude —
Boo-hoo — boo-hoo — boo-hoo !
Martha (jumping up from her seat in
anger) —
Gertrude ! Didn't you just promise
not to cry ?
Gertrude (same action) —
Boo-hoo — I — just reminded — my-
self — boo-hoo —
Martha and Judah (together) —
W^hat?
Gertrude —
Boo-hoo-hoo-hoo — Papa said I
mustn't cry when he's away — boo-hoo.
He's so good to me ! Boo-hoo !
Judah (7vearily) —
Then why don't you ever stop?
(Gertrude is nozv in the seat at the
front of the stage, left; Martha has
risen from her position at the left of
the table and is looking off at the en-
trance, right center. Judah. at the
back of the table, is engrossed in a si-
lent reading of the letter.)
Martha (looking off through the door at
the right) —
Gracious, here comes Simon !
(Simon, a little fellow of about ii,
enters by the door, r. c. He walks
zvith an air of great dignity, abstracted
in a large book, zvithout noticing anx-
one in the room or looking up from his
reading. . Grossing the stage complete-
ly in this manner, he passes Gertrude,
left-front, zvhile Martha and then
Judah follozn' him zi'ith their exes in
silent amusement. Gertrude suddenlv
sobs out loud and Simon, scared,
looks up from his book and quickly
hides the volume in back of him in
great surprise.)
Simon (gasping) —
My, but I almost got scared.
(Turns.) Look at that ! Everybody's
here, and I didn't know it. (With a
condescending air) WtW. (Takes up
W^HAT'S TO NIGHT.
his book again and opens it.)
Judah (advancing a fezv steps) —
That must be an interesting book, I
suppose ?
Simon (enthusiastically) —
This book? Oh, my, it's just great!
Martha —
Look, look, Simon actually forgets to
be absent-minded when he talks about
his books. See how his eyes are
sparkling !
Simon (quickly) —
All about heroes and great big wars,
and magneriferous fightin' ; an' ad-
ventures, and contests, an' — an' —
and —
Judah —
Take your time when you talk, little
philosopher! Are you going for a
train? Sit down, be calm for a few
minutes, and listen to me. I have
something very interesting to tell you.
Martha (motioning Simon to the seat at
right, front stage, and rapping on the
table for order) —
Now, everybody silent. . Here comes
a surprise ! (Simon seats himself re-
luctantly as directed, and makes sev-
eral attempts during the ensuing scene
to open up his book again.)
Simon —
There can't be anything more inter-
esting than this book. (Tries to read.)
Gertrude (who has all this time been sit-
ting zvith her head on her arm, occa-
sionally sobbing) —
Boo-hoo! It's a letter from Father,
from New York !
Simon (putting aside book zvith a pom-
pous, condescending air) —
From Father ! â– Why, my father is
a regular hero himself. Well, Til
listen for two minutes and a half, if
it's from father. That's all the time
T can-spare, bein' a very busy man
myself !
Martha —
All right, philosopher, pay attention
if your time is so precious, and don't
look in that book. All ready? Go
ahead, Judah !
Gertrude (bursting out in tears) —
Boo-hoo — Fm readv !
Simon (taking up his book again) —
There's just two minutes and twen-
ty seconds left of my time !
Judah —
Well, now I will start it at last, if
no one will disturb me any more. This
letter came last night and mother just
gave it to me. It is from father.
Gertrude (bursting out again) —
Boo-hoo —
Judah (impatiently) —
Well, what's the matter now ?
Gertrude —
Boo-hoo-hoo — Papa says I shouldn't
cry when he's away in New York.
Simon —
It's a good thing you know that
much ! Now you have wasted just five
more seconds. Hurry, Judah, I'm a
busy man. I have no time.
(As Judah reads the follozving let-
ter Martha is seated at the left of the
table, zvhile Judah stands to the right;
Gertrude front left; Simon front right,
sitting.)
Judah (reads) —
"New York (till in date). To my
darling children : Judah, the youthful
poet ; Martha, my pet ; Gertrude, the
cheerful little one" —
Gertrude (crying very hard) —
I — never cry ! Boo-hoo-hoo !
JudaJi —
"And Simon, my little philoso-
pher'' —
Simon (zvith enthusiasm^ szvelling zvith
pride) —
Say, isn't father a grand man, and
a hero, and a —
Martha (stopping him) —
You're wasting ten seconds now !
Judah —
"And my dear baby Bessie" —
Simon (loo-king around the room) —
Oh, she's in Sunday school. (Mar-
tha frozvns at him for his interrup-
tions, and he puts his hands on his
lips as a silent promise.)
Judah (continuing to read) —
"Dear children : I have not been
home since the last Jewish holidays.
I shall come home tonight again to
WHAT'S TO NIGHT.
see you —
(Simon dro[<s his book out of great
joy, jumps up, and tlirozcs his hat in
the air; Martha claps hands gleefully,
and Gertrude looks up without cry-
ing.)
Simon —
Hurrah for pap, hurrah for —
Martha —
Hurrah —
Judah —
Wait, wait, till I finish this.
(Reads.) "I am very busy, and it is
hard for me to come home, so I will
do so on one condition. I have -writ-
ten to mother not to tell you what is
the name of the Jewish holiday that
commences tonight. I am leaving it
to you, and if you can find out what's
tonight without being told I will come
home. H you want to see your father
find out what's tonight, otherwise I
can't come home. With best regards
to all, I am, your loving father, Jacob
Greenbaum,"
(Pause. Simon, zvith a dejected air,
cuddles up in his seat. Martha and
Judah look at each other helplessly.
Gertrude starts to cry again.)
Gertrude —
Boo-hoo-hoo-hoo.
judah (impatiently) —
Well, what's the matter?
Gertrude (same action) —
I want to know — boo-hoo — what's
tonight.
Martha (looking inquiringly at Judah) —
Well ?
Judah (looking at Martha) —
Well ?
Simon (jumping up impulsivciy) —
Well, watche know about that !
Why don't we all get together, and
find out? I'm a busy man. I didn't
have any time to go to Sunday school
this morning, or I'd know !
Martha —
We're all punished now. This morn-
ing we all got up so late that no one
went to Sunday school ; now no one
knows what's tonight?
Judah (zvho has mcamvhile read the let-
ter silently) —
Here is a postscript. (Reads.) "Dear
children, none of you must tell the
other when you have discovered
what's tonight, but each of you must
find out for yourselves, and then wait
till I come home. When I come we
will all have a little surprise. Your
father, as before, Jacob Greenbaum."
Simon {jumpii\g up from his seat) —
Hurray for our "pap !" Everybody
that thinks that pop is a hero an' a
great man, an' a magneriferous man,
raise hands. (Doing so himself.)
Mel
Gertrude (raisi)ig her hand, sobs out) —
I too!
Martha (smiling to Judah at Simon's
enthusiasm) —
Certainly we all love papa, Simon!
Simon —
Well, then, everybody in favor of
father coming home tonight say I — -
Me !
Gertrude (sobbing), Judah, Martha
(smiling), all together —
I!
Simon (running over to the table) —
Well, I'm a very busy man, and I
have no time, so you be the president,
Judah, and we'll hold a meeting to
write to father, as follows. {In a hur-
ried tone, dictates to Judah, zvho, at
first tries to zvrite, but soon gives it up
as impossible) "Dear Pop: We, your
lovin' children, ask and request that
you come home from New York at
once, and we'll positively — that means
for sure, Judah — find out what's to-
night. Yours respectively, your lovin'
childrens, Judah. and Gertrude, and
Martha and Simon Greenbaum."
(IVith pride) There's the thing!
Judah (zi'ho has throzcn aside paper as
Simon dictated at great speed) —
You foolish boy ! The mails don't
go on Sunday. How'll papa get our
letter?
WHAT'S TO NIGHT.
Martha (to Simon) —
That's right, Mr. Wise Man. Now
what can we do?
Simon (at a loss, hangs head) —
Huh !
Gertrude (crying again) —
Boo, hoo, and I didn't see papa so
long, and I so want him to come home.
Judah —
For once in your Hfe you are right
in crying. (Gloomily) What shall we
do now ?
Simon (ivith fresh life) —
I got an idea — a grand idea, a mag-
neriferous idea! (They all look up.)
Doesn't papa write he'll come home
if we find out what's tonight-
Jndah —
Yes !
Simon —
Well, then, all we got to do is— is—
Judah and Martha (together) —
What?
Simon —
Is, to find out what's tonight !
Martha —
Yes, that is just the question. And
then how will papa know whether we
know ?
Simon —
O, don't worry about papa. He's
a great man; he'll find out, all right.
Now, then, the great question is,
What's tonight? (Speaking ^uith the
air of an orator.)
Judah —
That's it! What's tonight?
Martha ( anxiously ) —
If I only knew what's tonight.
Simon —
Don't you know. Judah? What's
the use of being a poet, anyhow? And
you, Martha, going to high school, al-
most, and don't know what's tonight!
I'm a busy man, an' I have no time,
but if I were as big as you are — I'd
know, all right! (Sits dozvn and be-
gins to read again.)
Martha (zvalking anxiously about the
room) —
It's nearly five o'clock now ; soon it
will be half-past five, then six — then
it will get dark — then it will be night.
and papa may come and find that no
one of us knows what's tonight ! What
will papa think of us, when he loves
us so much, and always wants us to
be good Jews?
Gertrude {sobbing) —
I don't know, either ! Boo-hoo !
Judah —
Well, we must find out, and at once.
I shall be the first to discover what's
tonight ! (Sti iking a pose at the door-
zvay, going out.)
Let us each our labor start,
To find what holiday's tonight :
Let us all from here depart.
And see tonight who is most bright.
(Exit, through door at left.)
S'mon (looks up from his book as Judah
speaks and follows him zvith liis eyes
as he leaves; then tiptoes to the door
mysteriouslv.)
Martha (zvJio lias gone over to Gertrude,
front stage) —
Where are you going that way,
Simon ?
Simon (at the door) —
Sh ! Sh ! Don't stop me, I'm a busy
man. Judah is a poet, but he won't
get ahead of me — I'm Sherlock
Holmes, the detective. (With melo-
dramatic gesture) I shall come back —
when I return — I shall return, when
I know what's tonight! (Exit, on tip-
toe, through door i.)
Gertrude (bursts out in tears) —
Oo, I'm afraid !
Martha —
Of what?
Gertrude —
'Cause Simon is a detective ! Boo?
hoo.
Martha —
O, Gertrude, can't you ever stop
crying?
Gertrude (zueeping biterly) —
I'm not crying, and you think I'm
a cry-baby !
Martha (bending over and petting
her) —
Do listen to me, Gertrude, dear.
Judah and Simon have gone out and
will surely find out what's tonight!
Do you want them to get ahead of us
WHAT'S TO NIGHT.
girls? Papa likes you and me just as
well as them — Come. (Leading her
out by door at right.) Soon we'll know
what's tonight before the boys will !
Martha (sobbing) —
All right !
Martha —
Hurry, someone's coming in! (They
go off.)
(Curtain.)
Note — // so desired, this act and the
second may be played as one, as the
action of the play is continuous.
ACT TWO.
(Enter Mrs. Greenbamn, reading a let-
ter. )
(Enter Mrs. Greenbaum, reading a let-
"To my dear wife, Mrs. Anna
Greenbaum: I have just written to
the children about my coming home,
if they can find out what's tonight.
I want to see that my children shall
be good Jews, even if I am awa}^ from
home. Do try to see who will find
â– out first, and then, perhaps, we shall
all have a little surprise together, if
I can possibly manage to come home
from my office here in New York.
Your loving husband, Jacob Green-
baum." What a splendid idea that
was. Now they have all gone out to
. w^ork like busy little bees, to find out
what's tonight. I wonder who will
find it first! (She- has taken a seat by
the table xvith her head resting on her
..hand, sunk in thought.)
(Enter Nora, the Irish servant, zvith a
large tray, containing a saucer broken
into eight pieces. Nora speaks in Irish
dialect, and zvith a strong accent.)
Nora (adz^ancing timidly from the center
entrance, zvith the tray held at the side,
as though to hide it) —
Mrs. Greenbaum — Mrs. Greenbaum
— (raising her voice, still very timidly,
as Mrs. Greenbamn, back turned, and
sunk in thought, does not seem to hear
her.) Mrs. Greenbaum ! (Mrs. Green-
baum turns, and Nora nervously drops
the tray of broken dishes.)
Mrs. Greenbaum (surprised) —
Nora! Why, what's the matter?
Nora (looking on the floor) —
Faith, and Oi knew it would happen ;
sure and Oi knew I
Mrs. Greenbaum (rising) —
Why, Nora, what are you doing
here this way? Has anything gone
wrong?
Nora —
Wrong? Faith, and it's all wrong!
Don't you see those broken pieces,
Mrs. Greenbaum? Them's what's
wrong ! Sure, and that's right, them's
what's wrong.
Airs. Greenbaum —
I don't understand you, Nora, why
are you making all this fuss over a
broken saucer?
A^ora —
Faith, I don't know how to start.
(perplexed) You see, mistress, eh-eh-
er-er-; Faith, Oi won't start from the
beginning ; Oi'll start from the middle !
(Folding her hands zvith a grand air
of pride.) How many saucers has
your Nora ever broken. Mistress
Greenbaum ?
Mrs. Greenbaum —
Why, you have been such a good
worker, and such a fine girl, you're
almost part of the family. But I don't
understand all this ?
Nora —
Well, right ye be ! It's many years
Oi've been with yez here. And Oi
hate to leave it !
Mrs. Greenbaum (au.viously) —
You surely are not leaving now,
Nora ?
A' or 01 —
There ye be. Mrs. Greenbaum, there
ye be again ! Why how can Oi, bein'
part of the family, just like the furni-
ture and dishes? Why faith, only the
other day I says to your boy Judah,
siz Oi: "J'-iclah,"siz Oi.''God bless ye."
siz Oi, 'Tf I ain't Irish and you," siz
Oi, "a good Jew's son, but," siz Oi,
"faith," siz Oi, "Oi say it myself," siz
Oi, "there's nothing like a Jewish holi-
day, siz Oi, ''when Mr. Greenbaum is
home, and everyone o' you children,"
says Oi (Mrs. Greenbaum seats herself
thoughtfully ; Nora stands and talks
8
WHAT'S TO NIGHT.
zinth great zvarmth.) "is proud o' bav-
in' been born Jews," siz Oi. "Oi'ni
a good church woman meself," siz Oi
to your son, "and Irish," siz Oi, "but
Oi say," siz Oi, "there's nothing hke
a Jewish hoHday when Mr. Greenbaum
is home!"
Mrs. Greenbaum (smiling) —
I have always noticed you took great
interest in our Jewish hoHdays, but I
see there is something else on your
mind. What is it, Nora? {Persua-
sively) Do tell me.
Nora —
Well, Oi will tell you. Yez know
well enough, Mrs. Greenbaum, Oi never
break a dish in the kitchen, do I ?
Mrs. Greenbaum —
Yes, you're a very good girl. Go on.
Nora —
But listen, and don't ye laugh, for
it's true ! Every time I do break a
dish I know it's a sign.
Mrs. Greenbaum —
A sign? Of what?
Nora —
Faith, it's a sign a Jewish holiday is
coming. Faith, and it's true, and
ye needn't smile like that, either. Every
time a saucer breaks, in comes Mr.
Greenbaum, and says, "Nora, get
everything ready, a Jewish holiday is
coming."
Mrs. Greenbaum (smiling) —
Well, Nora?
Nora —
And lately Oi wait, and wait, and
- nothing happens. Just now, as Oi was
in the kitchen, the saucer breaks, and
into eight pieces ! O, you should have
seen it, and remember. Oi'm not super-
stitious ! But no Mr. Greenbaum's
acomin' ! Faith, if there's no Jewish
holiday acomin' now, what's the use o'
staying here? It might be the devil
abreakin' those dishes.
" Mrs. Greenbaum —
Well, well, Nora, your saucers are
Jewish, even if you are Irish! Nora,
a Jewish holiday is coming tonight,
and you must see that you're ready for
it.
Nora (Jwstily picking up the broken
pieces and putting them on the tray) —
And is Mr. Greenbaum coming too?
Mrs. Greenbaum —
I don't know. I can't tell.
Nora (going off in ^'reat glee, sings to
tune of "Where Is My Wandering
Boy TonigJit?")
There will be a hoHday tonight, to-
night. There will be a Yomtove to-
night! (Exit merrily singing.)
{A noise of hurrying feet is heard all
over the house. Mrs. Greenbaum rises
and goes to each of the doors, looking
out, and remains standing, facing the
doorzvay at the right.)
Mrs. Greenbaum (smiling) —
O, my ! Upstairs, downstairs,
everywhere; the dear little ones are
running to find out what's tonight, i