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The guls hornbook : and The belman of London in two parts online

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before she ruffled in silkes, now is she more
civilly attird then a Mid-wife. If before she
swaggred in Tavernes, now with the Snaile she
stirreth not out of dores. And where must her
lodging be taken up, but in the house of some
cittizen, whose known reputation, she borrowes
(or rather steales) putting it on as a cloake to
cover her deformities ? Yet even in that, hath
she an art too, for he shalbe of such a profession,
that all commers / may enter, without the danger
of any eyes to watch them. As for example
she wil lie in some Scriveners house^ and so under
the collour of comming to have a Bond made,
she herself may write Noverint unwersi. And
tho the law threaten to hit her never so often,
yet hath she subtile defences to ward off the
blowes. For, if Gallants haunt the house, then
spreds she these collours ; she is a captaine or a
lieutenants wife in the Lonv-countries^ and they
come with letters, from the souldier her husband.
If Marchants resort to her, then hoistes she up
these say Its, she is wife to the Maister of a shippe,
and they bring newes that her husband put in
at the Straytes, or at Venice, at Aleppo,
Alexandria, or Scanderoon, &c. If shop keepers
come to her, with 'what do you lack, in their
mouthes, then she takes up such and such
commodities, to send them to Rye, to Bristow,
to Yorke, &c. where her husband dwells. But


if the streame of her fortunes runne low, and that How a
none but Apronmen lanch forth there then woman
keepes she a poUitick tempsters shop, or she ^^^^"^^
starches them. constable

Perhaps shee is so pollitick, that none shalbe
noted to board her : if so, then she sailes upon
these points of the compasse : so soone as ever
she is rig'd, and al her furniture on, forth she
lancheth into those streetes that are most fre-
quented : where the first man that she meetes of
her acquaintance, shal (without much pulling)
get her into a Taverne : out of him she kisses a
breakefast and then leaves him : the next she
meetes, does upon as easie pullies, draw her to
a Taverne againe ; out of him she cogs a dinner,
and then leaves him : the third man, squires her
to a play, which being ended, and the wine offred
and taken (for she's no Recusant, to refuse any
thing) him she leaves too : and being set upon
by a fourth, him she answers at his own weapon,
sups with him, and drincks Upsie Freeze, til the
clok striking Twelve, and the Drawers being
drowzy, away they march arme in arme, being
at every footstep fearful to be set upon by the
Band of Halberdiers, that lie scowling in rug
gownes to cut of such mid-night straglers. But
the word / being given, and ivho goes there, with
come before the Constable, being shot at them,
they vaile presently and come, she taking upon
her to answer al the Bil-men and their Leader,
betweene whome and her, suppose you heare this
sleepy Dialogue : where have you bin so late ?
at supper forsooth with my uncle here {if he be
wel bearded) or with my brother {if the haire bee


London's l;ut budding forth) and he is bringing me home.
external ^j.^ ^q^ married ? yes forsooth : whats your
g^jj^ husband ? such a Noble-mans man, or such a
internal "Justices clarke, (And then name some Alderman
iniquity of London, to whome she pers wades herselfe,
one or other of the bench of browne billes are
beholding) where lye you ? At such a mans
house : Sic tenues evanescit in Auras : and thus
by stopping the Constables mouth with sugar-
plummes (thats to say,) whilst she poisons him
with sweete wordes, the punck vanisheth. O
Lanthorne and Candle-light^ how art thou made
a blinde Asse ? because thou hast but one eye to
see withall : Be not so guld, bee not so dull in
understanding : do thou but follow aloofe those
two tame Pigeons, and thou shalt finde that her
new Uncle lies by it al that night, to make his
kinse- woman one of mine Aunts : or if she bee
not in travel! all night, they spend some halfe an
houre together : but what doe they ? marry,
they doe that, which the Constable should have
done for them both in the streetes, thats to say
commit, commit.

You Guardians over so great a Princesse as
the eldest daughter of King Brutus : you twice
twelve fathers and governours over the Noblest
Cittie, why are you so careful to plant Trees
to beautifie your outward walks, yet suffer the
goodliest garden (within) to be over-run with
stincking wcedes ? You are the proining knives
that should loppe off such idle, such unprofitable
and such destroying branches from the Vine :
The beames of your Authoritie should purge the
ayre of such infection : your breath of Justice


should scatter those foggy vapors, and drive The

them out of your gates as chaffe tossed abroad practices

by the windes. o^ ^o''^^-

Ti . I . • II • • . coursers

ISut / stay : is our walking spirit become an

Orator to perswade ? no, but the Bel-man of

London with whom he met in his perambulation

of his, and to whom hce betraied himselfe and

opened his very bosome, (As hereafter you shall

heare,) is bould to take upon him that speakers


Of Ginglers.

Or the knavery of Horse-Coursers in
Smith-field discovered.


At the end of fierce battailes, the onely Ren-
devoux for lame souldiers to retire unto, is an
Hospitall : and at the end of a long Progresse,
the onely ground for a tyred Jade to runne in,
is some blind country faire, where he may be
sure to be sold. To these Markets of unwhole-
some Horse-flesh, (like so many Kites to feede
upon Carion) doe all the Horse-coursers (that
roost about the Citty) flie one after another.
And whereas in buying all other commodities,
men strive to have the best, how great so ever
the price be, onely the Horse-courser is of a
baser minde, for the woorst hors-flesh (so it be
cheape) does best goe downe with him. He
cares for nothing but a fayre out-side, and a


How to hansome shape (like those that hyre whores,
discover though there be a hundred diseases within) : he
(as the other) ventures upon them all.

The first lesson, therefore, that a Horse-
courser takes out, when he comes to one of these
Markets, is to make choyce of such Nags,
Geldings, or Mares, especially, as are fatte, fayre,
and well-favor'd to the eye : and because men
delight to behold beautifull coullors, and that
some coulours are more delicate (even in beasts)
then others are, he will so neere as he can,
bargaine for those horses that have the daintiest
complexion : as the Milke-white, the Gray, the
Dapple-Gray, the Cole blacke with his proper
markes (as the white starre in the forehead, the
white / heele, &c.) or the bright Bay, with the
like proper markes also. And the goodlier pro-
portion ye beast carries or the fayrer markes or
coulour that hee beares, are or ought to bee
watch-words as it were to him that afterwards
buyes him of the horse-courser, that he bee not
cozend with an over-price for a bad peny-
worth : because such Horses (belonging for the
most part to Gentlemen) are seldome or never
sold away, but upon some foule quality, or
some incurable disease, which the Beast is falne
into. The Be^t coulours are therefore the best
Cloakes to hide those faults that most disfigure
a Horse : and next unto coulour, his Pace doth
often-times deceive and goe beyond a very quick

Some of these Horse-hunters^ are as nimble
Knaves in finding out the infirmities of a Jade,
as a Barber is in drawing of teeth : and albeit


(without casting his water) hee does more readily The
reckon up all the Aches, Crampes, Crickes, and honour of
whatsoever disease else lyes in his bones, and "orse-
r . J- 1 J- II u- courser

for those diseases seemes utterly to dislike him ;

yet if by looking upon the Dyall within his
mouth, he finde that his yeares have struck but
five, sixe, or seaven, and that he prooves but
young, or that his diseases are but newly grow-
ing upon him, if they be outward ; or have but
hayre and skin to hide them, if they bee
inward ; let him sweare never so damnably that
it is but a Jade, yet he will be sure to fasten
upon him.

So then, a Horse-courser to the Merchant^
(that out of his sound judgement buyes the
fairest, the best-bred, and the noblest Horses,
selling them againe for breede or service, with
plainnesse and honesty,) is as the Cheatorto the
faire Gamester: hee is indeed a meere Jadish
Nonopolitaney and deales for none but tyred,
tainted, dull, and diseased horses. By which
meanes, if his picture bee drawne to the life,
you shall finde every Horse-courser for the most
part to bee in quality a coozener, by profession a
knave, by his cunning a Varlet, in fayres a
Hagling Chapman, in the Citty a Cogging
dissembler, and / in Smith-field a common
forsworne Villaine. Hee will sweare any thing,
but the faster hee sweares, the more danger tis
to beleeve him : In one forenoone, and in selling
a Jade not worth five Nobles, will hee forsweare
himselfe fifteene times, and that forswearing too
shall bee by Equivocation. As for example, if
an ignorant Chapman comming to beate the


1 ^.^ price, say to the Horse-courser, your nagge is
^ can^be ^^^^^ °^^^' — °^ ^^^^ many yeares olde, and
concealed reckon ten or twelve : hee claps his hand
presently on the buttocke of the beast, and
praies he may bee damb'd if the Horse be not
under five, meaning not that the horse is under
five yeares of age, but that he standes under five
of his fingers, when his hand is clap'd uppon
him. These Horse-coursers are called Jynglers^
and these Jynglers having laide out their money
on a company of Jades at some drunken fayre,
up to London they drive them, and uppon the
Market day into Smithfield bravely come they
prauncing. But least their Jades should shew
too many horse trickes in Smith-field, before so
greate an Audience as commonly resort thither,
their maisters doe therefore Schoole them at
home after this manner.

H'j'W a Horse-courser workes upon a yade

in his own Stal'U\ to make him serviceable

for a cozening Race in S?nith-field.

The Glanders in a horse is so filthy a disease,
that he who is troubled with it, can never keep his
nose cleane : so that when such a foule-nosed
Jade happens to serve a Horse-courser, hee
hath more strange pils (then a Pothecarie
makes) for the purging of his head: he knowes
that a horse with such a qualitie, is but a beastly
companion to travell uppon the high way with
anye Gentleman.

Albeit therefore that the Glanders have


played with his Nose so long, that hee knowes How the

not how to mend himselfe, / but that the glanders

disease beeing suffered to runne uppon him ^^" ^^, ,
, • . . ^^, , concealed

many yeares together, is grown mvmcible, yet

hath our Jingling Mountibanke Smithfield-
rider a tricke to cure him, live or sixe waies, and
this is one of them.

In the verie morning when hee is to bee
rifled away amongst the Gamesters in Smithfield,
before hee thrust his head out of his Maisters
Stable, the Horse-courser tickles his nose (not
with a Pipe of Tobacco) but with a good
quantitie of the best Neesing powder that can
bee gotten : which with a quil being blown up
into the Nostrills, to make it worke the better,
he stands poaking there up and downe with
two long feathers plucked from the wing of a
Goose, they beeing dipt in the juice of Garlick,
or in any strong oyle, and thrust up to the verie
top of his head, so farre as possibly they can
reach, to make the pore dumbe beast avoide the
filth from his nostrils ; which hee will doe in
great aboundance : this being done, he comes to
him with a new medicine for a sicke horse, and
mingling the juyce of Bruized Garlike, sharpe
biting Mustard, and strong Ale together, into
both the Nostrils (with a Home) is powred a
good quantitie of this filthy Broth ; which by
the hand being held in by stopping the nostrils
close together, at length with a little neezing
more, his nose will be cleaner then his Maisters
the Horse-courser, and the filth bee so Arti-
ficially stop'd that for eight or ten houres a Jade
will holde up his head with the prowdest


How to Gelding that gallops scornefully by him, and
discover never have neede of wiping,
the trick m • • r o

This is one of the Comedies a Common

horse-courser playes by himsehe at home, but if
when hee comes to act the second part abroad,
you would disgrace him, and have him hissd at
for not playing the Knave well, then handle him
thus : If you suspect that the Nagge which he
would Jade you with, bee troubled with that or
any other such like disease, gripe him hard
about the wesand pipe, close toward the roofe
of the tongue, and holding him / there so long
and so forcibly, that he cough twice or thrice,
if then (after you let goe your holde) his chappes
begin to walke as if he were chewing downe a
Horse-loafe, shake hands with old Mounsier
Cavaliero Horse-Courser^ but clap no bargain
upon it, for his Jade is as full of infirmitie, as
the maister of Villanie.

Other Gambals that Horse-coursers practise

upon Foundred Horses,

olde Jades, i^c.

Smithfield is the stage upon which the Mounti-
hank English Horse-courser advancing his banner,
defies any disease that dares touch his Prancer :
Insomuch that if a horse be so olde, as that
foure legs can but carry him, yet shall he beare
the markes of an Nag not above sixe or seaven
yeares of age ; and that counterfeit badge of
youth, he weares thus : The Horse-courser with
a smal round yron made very hot, burnes two
black holes in the top of the two out- most teeth


of each side the out-side of the Horses mouth Pricking

upon the nether teeth, and so likewise of the teeth the mouth

of the upper chap, which stand opposite to ye

nether, the qualitie of which marks is to shew

that a horse is but yong : but if the jade be so

old that those teeth are dropt out of his head,

then is there a tricke still to be fumbling about

his olde chaps, and in that stroaking his chin, to

pricke his lips closely with a pin or a naile, till

they be so tender, that albeit he were a given

horse none could bee suffered to looke him in

the mouth (which is one of the best Calenders

to tell his age) but a reasonable sighted eie

(without helpe of spectacles) may easily discover

this Jugling, because it is grosse and common.

If now a Horse (having beene a fore Travailer)
happen by falling into a colde sweate to bee
Foundred, so that (as if hee were drunck or had
the staggers) hee can scarce stand on his legges,
then will his maister, before hee enter into the
lists of the field against all commers, put him
into a villanous chasing, by ryding him up and
downe / a quarter or halfe an houre, till his
limbes bee thoroughly heated ; and this hee
does, because so long as hee can discharge that
false fire, or that (being so collerickly hotte)
hee tramples onely uppon soft ground, a very
cunning Horseman shal hardly find where his
shoo wrings him, or that hee is Foundred. And
(to blinde the eyes of the Chapman) the Horse-
courser will bee ever tickling of him with his
wand, because hee may not by standing still like
an Asse, shew of what house hee comes.

If a Horse come into the fielde (like a lame


The halt- soldier) Halting, hee has not Crutches made for
ing horse hjm^ ^s the soldier hath, but because you shall
thinke the Horses shooemaker hath serv'd him
like a Jade, by not fitting his foote well, the
shooe shall bee taken off purposely from that
foote which halts, as though it had beene lost by
chance : And to prove this, witnesses shall
come in, if at least twenty or thirty damnable
oathes can be taken, that the want of the Shooe
is onely the cause of his Halting. But if a
Horse cannot be lustie at legges, by reason that
either his hoofes bee not good, or that there be
Splents, or any other Eyesore about the nether
Joynt, the Hors-courser uses him then as Cheat-
ing Sivaggerers handle Novices : what they
cannot winne by the Dyce, they will have by
Foule play : and in that fouie manner deales hee
with the poore horse, ryding him up and downe
in the thickest and the durtiest places, till that
durt, like a ruffled boote drawne uppon an ill-
favor'd gowtie legge, cover the Jades infirmitie
from the eyes of the Buyer.

Hoiv a Horse-courser makes a Jade that

has no stomachy to eate


Albeit Lamh-pie be good meat upon a table, yet
it is so offensive to a horses stomach, yt he had
rather be fed a moneth together with mustie
oates, than to taste it : Yet are not all Horses
bidden to his Lamb-pie- B reakefasts but / onely
such as . are dyeted with no other meate : and
those are Dull, Blockish, Sullen ; and heavie


footed Jades. When-soever therefore a Horse- Other
courser hath such a Dead commodities as a Lumpish t>rutal
slow Jade, that goes more heavily then a Cow "^^^^
when shee trots, and that neither by a sharpe
bitte nor a tickling spurre he can put him out of
his lazie and dogged pace, what does hee with
him then ? Onelye he gives him Lamb-pie.
That is to say, every morning when the Horse-
courser comes into the Stable, he takes up a
tough round cudgell, and never leaves fencing
with his Quarter staffe at the poore Horses sides
and buttockes, till with blowes hee hath made
them so tender, that the verry shaking of a
bough will be able to make the horse ready to
runne out of his wittes. And to keep the horse
still in this mad mood, because he shall not for-
get his lesson, his maister will never come neer
him, but he will have a fling at him : If he doe
touch him, hee strikes him : if he speakes to
him, there is but a worde and a blow : if he doe
but looke upon him, the Horse flings and takes
on, as though he would breake through the
walles, or had bene a i/orj-^ bredde up in Bedlam
amongst mad-folkes. Having thus gotten this
hard lesson by heart, forth comes he into Smith-
field lo repeat it, where the Rider ^hdW no sooner
leap into the saddle but the Horse-courser giving
the Jade (that is halfe scarred out of his wits
already) three or foure good bangs, away flies
Bucephalus as if yong Alexander wer upon his
backe. No ground can holde him, no bridle
raine him in ; he gallops away as if the Devill
had hired him of some Hackney-man, and scuds
through thicke and thinne, as if crackers had


The hung at his heeles. If his taile play the wag,

horse- and happen to whiske up and downe (which is a

methods ^'8"^ ^^^^ ^^ ^^^^ ^^^ feates of Activitie like a

of trade Tumblers prentice by compulsion and without

taking pleasure in them) then shall you see the

Horse-courser laie about him like a thrasher, till

with blowes he made him carry his taile to his

Bottocks : which / in a Horse (contrary to the

nature of a Dog) is an argument that he hath

mettall in him and Spirrit, as in the other it is

the note of cowardise.

These and such other base juglings are put in
practise, by the Horse-courser ; in this maner
comes he arm'd into the field : with such bad
and deceiptfull commodities does he furnish the
markets. Neither steps he upon the divels stage
alone, but others are likewise Actors in the
selfe-same Scene, and sharers with him : for no
sooner shall money be ofFred for a Horse, but
presently one Snake thrusts out his head and
stings the buyer with false praises of the Horses
goodnesse : An other throwes out his poisoned
hooke and whispers in the Chapmans eare, that
upon his knowledge so much or so much hath
bene offred by foure or five, and would not be
taken : and of these Ravens there be sundry
nests, but all of them as blacke in soule as the
Horse-courser (with whome they are yoaked) is
in conscience. This Regiment of Horsemen is
therefore devided into foure Squadrons, z'i'z..

1. When Horse-coursers travaile to country
faires, they are cdWedJynglers.

2. When they have the leading of the Horst
and serve in Smithfield, they are Drovers.


3. They that stand by and conycatche the A new
Chapman either with Out- biddings false-praises^ )^\n^ of
&c. are called GW« "^^^^^^

4. The boyes, striplings, &c., that have the
ryding of the Jades up and downe are called

Jacke / in a Boxe.

Or a new kinde of Cheating, teaching how to
change golde into Silver^ unto which is added a
Map, by which a man may learn how to travell
all over England and have his charges borne,


How many Trees of Ev'tll are growing in this
countrie ? how tall they are ? how Mellow is
their fruit l and how greedily gathered ? so
much ground doe they take up, and so thickly
doe they stand together, that it seemeth a king-
dom can bring forth no more of their nature :
yes, yes, there are not halfe so many Rivers in
Hell, in which a soule may saile to damnation,
as there are Black Streames of Mischiefe and
Villany (besides all those which in our Now-two
Voyages we have ventured so many leagues up,
for discoverie) in which thousandes of people are
continually swimming, and everie minute in
danger utterly to be cast away.
. The Horse-courser of hell, after he had
durtyed himselfe with ryding up and downe
Smithfield, and having his beast under him,


Lectures gallopped away amaine to beholde a race of five
on public my les by a couple of Rmining- Horses^ uppon
aDuses ^fjQse swiftnesse great summes of money were
laide in wagers. In which Schoole of Horse-
munshippe (wherein for the moste part none but
Gallants are the Studients) hee construed but
strange Lectures of Abuses: he could make
large Comments uppon those that are the Runners
of those Races, and could teach others how to
lose fortie or fiftie pound pollitickly in the fore-
noone, and in the after noone (with the selfe-
same Gelding) to winne a thousand markes
in five or sixe miles riding. He could tell
how Gentlemen are fetch'd in and made
younger brothers, and how your Jiezv Knight
comes to be a Couzen of this Race. He
could drawe the true pictures of some fellowes,
that dyet these Running Horses^ / who for
a bribe of fortie or fiftie shillings can by a false
Dye make their owne Maisters loose a hundred
pound a race. He could shew more craftie
Foxes in this wild-goose chase then there are
white foxes in Russia, and more strange Horse
trickes plaide by such Riders, then Bankes his
curtail did ever practise (whose Gamballs of
the two, were the honester.)

But because this sort of Birdes have many
feathers to loose, before they can feele any
colde, he suffers them to make their owne flight,
knowing that prodigalls doe but jest at the
stripes which other mens rods give them, and
never complaine of smarting till they are whip'd
with their owne.

In everie Corner did he finde Serpents in-


gendering : under everie roofe, some impyetie Descrip
or other lay breeding : but at last perceiving tion of
that the most part of men were by the forcerie P^Jf^ck-
of their own divelish conditions transformed
into Wolves, and being so changed, were more
brutish and bloody, then those that were Wolves
by nature : his spleene leap'd against his ribbes
with laughter, and in the height of that joy
resolved to write the villanies of the world in
Folio, and to dedicate them in private to his
Lord and Maister, because hee knew him to
bee an open-handed patron, albeit he was no
great lover of schollers.

But having begun one picture of a certaine
strange Beast, [cdWtd Jack in a Boxe) thatonely
(because the Cittie had given money already to
see it) hee finished : and in these colours was
Jack in a Boxe drawn. It hath the head of a
man (the face well bearded) the eyes of a
Hawke, the tongue of a Lap-wing^ which saies
heere it is, when the nest is a good way off: it
hath the stomacke of an Estrich, and can disgest
silver as easily, as that Bird dooth Yron. It
hath the pawes of a Beare instead of handes,
for whatsoever it fastneth uppon, it holdes :
From the middle downe-wardes, it is made
like a Grey-hound, and is so swift of foote,
that if it once get the Start of you, a whole
Kennel of Hounds cannot / overtake it. It
loves to hunt dry-foote, and can Scent a Traine
in no ground so well as the Cittie, and yet not
in all places of the Cittie. But he is best in
Scenting betweene Ludgate and Temple-barre :

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Online LibraryThomas DekkerThe guls hornbook : and The belman of London in two parts → online text (page 15 of 18)