Thomas Dekker.

The guls hornbook : and The belman of London in two parts online

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so that then (and not till then) is the most health-
full houre to be stirring. Do you require ex-
amples to perswade you ? At what time do
Lords and Ladies use to rise, but then? your
simpring Merchants wives are the fairest lyers in
the world : and is not eleven a clocke their
common houre ? theyfinde (no doubt) unspeakable
sweetnesse in such lying, else they would not
day by day put it so in practise. In a word,
midday slumbers are golden; they make the
body fat, the skin faire, the flesh plump, delicate
and tender ; they set a russet colour on the
• cheekes of young women, and make lusty
courage to rise up in men ; they make us thrifty,
both in sparing victuals (for breakefasts thereby
are savd from the hell-mouth of the belly)
and in preserving apparell ; for while wee
warm us in our beds, our clothes are not
worne.

The casements of thine eyes being then at this
commendable time of the day, newly set open,
choose rather to have thy wind-pipe cut in pieces
then to salute any man. Bid not good-morrow
so much as to thy father, tho he be an Emperour.
An idle ceremony it is, and can doe him little
good ; to thy selfe it may bring much harme : for
if he be a wise man that knowes how to hold his



THE GULS HORN-BOOKE 23

peace, of necessity must he be counted a foole Play the
that cannot keep his tongue. Jew 1

Amongst all the wild men that runne up and
downe in this wild forest of fooles (the world)
none are more superstitious then those notable
Ehritians, the Jewes : yet a Jewe never weares
his cap threed-bare with putting it off: never
bends i' th' hammes with casting away a leg,
never cries God save you, tho he sees the Divell
at your elbow. Play the Jewes therefore in
this, and save thy lips that labour, onely re-
member, that so soone as thy eyelids be unglewd,
thy first exercise must be (either sitting upright
on thy pillow, or rarely loling at thy bodies
whole length) to yawne, to stretch, and to gape
wider then any oyster-wife : for thereby thou
doest not onely send out the lively spirits (like
vaunt-curers) to fortifie and make good the utter-
most borders of the body ; but also (as a cunning
painter) thy goodly lineaments are drawne out
in their fairest proportion.

This lesson being playd, turne over a new
leafe, and, (unlesse that Freezeland Curre, cold
winter, offer to bite thee,) walke awhile up and
downe thy chamber, either m thy thin shirt onely,
or else (which, at a bare word, is both more
decent and more delectable) strip thy selfe stark
naked. Are we not born so ? and shall a foolish
custome make us to breake the lawes of our
Creation ? our first parents, so long as they went
naked, were suffered to dwell in paradice, but,
after they got coates to their backes, they were
turnd out of doores. Put on therefore either
no apparel at all, or put it on carelessly : for looke



24 THE GULS HORN-BOOKE

The how much more delicate libertie is then bondage,
luxury of so much is the loosenesse in wearing of our
nakea- ^(.^jj-g^ above the imprisonment of being neatly
and Tailor-like drest up in it. To be ready in
our clothes, is to be ready for nothing else. A
man lookes as if hee be hung in chaines ; or like
a scarecrow : and as those excellent birds (whom
Pliny could never have the wit to catch in all his
sprindges) commonly called woodcocks (where-
of there is great store in England) having all
their feathers pluckt from their backes, and
being turnd out as naked as Platoes cocke was
before all Diogenes his Schollers : or as the
Cuckooe in Christmas, are more fit to come to
any Knights board, and are indeede more service-
able then when they are lapt in their warme
liveries : even so stands the case with man.
Truth (because the bald-pate her father Time
has no haire to cover his head) goes (when she
goes best,) starke naked; But falshood has
ever a cloake for the raine. You see likewise,
that the Lyon, being the king of beasts, the
horse, being the lustiest creature, the Unicorne,
whose home is worth halfe a City ; all these go
with no more clothes on their backes, then what
nature hath bestowed upon them : But your
babiownes, and youTrJ Jackanapes (being the
scum and rascality of all the hedge-creepers)
they go in jerkins and mandilions : marry how ?
They are put into their rags onely in mockery.

Oh beware therefore both what you weare,
and how you weare / it, and let this heavenly
reason move you never to be hansome, for, when
the sunne is arising out of his bed, does not the



THE GULS HORN-BOOKE 25

element seem more glorious, then (being onely Around
in gray) then at noone, when hees in all his ^^c fire
bravery ? it was madnesse to deny it. What man
would not gladly see a beautifull woman naked,
or at least with nothing but a lawne, or some
loose thing over her ; and even highly lift her up
for being so ? Shall wee then abhorre that in
our selves, which we admire and hold to be so
excellent in others ? Absit.



CHAP. III.

How a yong Gallant should warme himself by the
fire ; how attire himself: The descrip-
tion of a mans head ; the praise
of long haire.

But if (as it often happens unlesse the yeare
catch the sweating sicknesse) the morning, like
charity waxing cold, thrust his frosty fingers into
thy bosome, pinching thee black and blew (with
his nailes made of yce) like an invisible goblin,
so that thy teeth (as if thou wert singing prick-
song) stand coldly quavering in thy head, and
leap up and downe like the nimble Jackes of a
paire of Virginals : be then as swift as a whirle-
winde, and as boystrous in tossing all thy cloathes
in a rude heape together : With which bundle
filling thine amies, steppe bravely forth, crying :
Room^ nvhat a coyle keepe you about the jire ? The
more are set round about it, the more is thy
commendation, if thou either bluntly ridest over
their shoulders, or tumblest aside their stooles



26 THE GULS HORN-BOOKE

How the to creepe into the chimney-corner : there toast

&^|| thy body, till thy scorched skinne be speckled

^ tt^ e ^^^ over, being staind with more motley colours

himself ^^^^ ^^^ ^^ t)e scene on the right side of the

rainebow.

Neither shall it be fit for the state of thy health,
to put on thy Apparell, till by sitting in that hot-
house of the chimney, thou feelest the fat dew
of thy body (like basting) run trickling down
thy sides ; for by that meanes thou maist law-
fully boast, that thou livest by the sweat of thy
browes.

As / for thy stockings and. shoos, so weare
them, that all men may point at thee, and make
thee famous by that glorious name of a Ala/e-
content. Or, if thy quicksilver can runne so
farre on thy errant, as to fetch thee bootes out
of S. Martens, let it be thy prudence to have
the tops of them wide as ye mouth of a wallet,
and those with fringed boote-hose over them to
hang downe to thy ankles. Doves are accounted
innocent, and loving creatures : thou, in observ-
ing this fashion, shalt seeme to be a rough-
footed dove, and be held as innocent. Besides,
the strawling, which of necessity so much lether
between thy legs must put thee into, will be
thought not to grow from thy disease, but from
that gentleman-like habit.

Having thus apparelled thee from top to toe,
according to that simple fashion, which the best
Goose-caps in Europe strive to imitate, it is now
high time for me to have a blow at thy head,
which I will not cut off with sharp documents,
but rather set it on faster, bestowing upon it such



THE GULS HORN-BOOKE 27

excellent carving, that, if all the wise men of The
Gottam should lay their heads together, their human
Jobbernowles should not bee able to compare "^^-^
with thine.

To maintaine therefore that sconce of thine,
strongly guarded, and in good reparation, never
suffer combe to fasten his teeth there : let thy
haire grow thick and bushy like a forrest, or
some wildernesse ; lest those sixe-footed creatures
that breede in it, and are Tenants to that crowne-
land of thine, bee hunted to death by every base
barbarous Barber ; and so that delicate, and
tickling pleasure of scratching, be utterly taken
from thee : For the Head is a house built for
Reason to dwell in ; and thus is the tenement
framed. The two Eyes are the glasse windowes,
at which light disperses itself into every roome,
having goodly penthouses of haire to overshadow
them : As for the nose, tho some (most
injuriously and improperly) make it serve for an
Indian chimney, yet surely it is rightly a bridge
with two arches, under which are neat passages
to convey as well perfumes to aire and sweeten
every chamber, as to carry away all noisome
filth that is swept out of uncleane corners : the
cherry lippes open, like the new- painted gates of
a Lord Mayor's house, to take in provision.
The tongue is a bell, hanging just under the
middle of the roofe ; and / lest it should be
rung out too deepe (as sometimes it is when
women have a peale) whereas it was cast by the
first founder, but onely to tole softly, there are
two even rowes of Ivory pegs (like pales) set to
keep it in. The eares are two Musique roomes



28 THE GULS HORN-BOOKE

The into which as well good sounds as bad, descend
h"^H downe two narrow paire of staires, that for all
the world have crooked windings like those that
lead to the top of Powles steeple ; and, because
when the tunes are once gotten in, they should
not too quickly slip out, all the walles of both
places are plaistered with yellow wax round
about them. Now, as the fairest lodging, tho
it be furnisht with walles, chimnies, chambers,
and all other parts of Architecture, yet, if the
feeleing be wanting, it stands subject to raine,
and so consequently to ruine. So would this
goodly palace, which wee have moddeld out
unto you, be but a cold and bald habitation, were
not the top of it rarely covered. Nature ther-
fore has plaid the Tyler, and given it a most
curious covering, or (to speake more properly)
she has thatcht it all over, and that Thatching is
haire. If then thou desirest to reserve that Fee-
simple of wit (thy head) for thee and the lawful!
heires of thy body, play neither the scurvy part
of the Frenchman, that pluckes up all by ye
rootes, nor that of the spending Englishman,
who, to malntaine a paltry warren of unprofitable
Conies, disimparkes the stately swift-footed wild
Deere : But let thine receive his full growth,
that thou maiest safely and wisely brag 'tis thine
owne Bush-Natiirall.

And with all consider that, as those trees of
cobweblawne (woven by Spinners the fresh May-
mornings) doe dresse the curled heads of the
mountaines, and adorne the swelling bosomes of
the valleyes : Or, as those snowy fleeces, which
the naked bryer steales from the innocent nib-



t



THE GULS HORN-BOOKE 29

bling sheep, to make himselfe a warm winter Long-
livery, are to either of them both an excellent haired
ornament : So make thou account, that to have "^^"
fethers sticking heere and there on thy head, will
embellish, and set thy crowne out rarely. None
dare upbraid thee, that like a begger thou hast
lyen on straw, or like a travelling Pedler upon
musty flockes : for those feathers will rise up as
witnesses to choake him that sayes so, and to
prove that thy bed was of the softest downe.

When / your noblest Gallants consecrate their
houres to their Mistresses and to RevelHng, they
weare fethers then chiefly in their hattes, being
one of the fairest ensignes of their bravery : But
thou, a Reveller and a Mistris-server all the
yeare, by wearing fethers in thy haire, whose
length before the rigorous edge of any puritani-
call paire of scizzers should shorten the breadth
of a finger, let the three huswifely spinsters of
Destiny rather curtail the thread of thy life.
O no, long hair is the onely nette that women
spread abroad to entrappe men in ; and why
should not men be as far above women in that
commodity, as they go beyond men in others ?
The merry Greekes were called Kapyi-^oiMomn?
long-haired : loose not thou (being an honest
Trojan) that honour, sithence it will more fairely
become thee. Grasse is the haire of the earth,
which, so long as it is suffred to grow, it be-
comes the wearer, and carries a most pleasing
colour, but when the Sunne-burnt clowne makes
his mowes at it, and (like a Barber) shaves it
off to the stumps, then it withers and is good for
nothing but to be trust up and thrown amongst



30 THE GULS HORN-BOOKE

On bald Jades. How ugly is a bald pate ? it lookes
heads jjjrg ^ f^ce wanting a nose ; or, like ground eaten
bare with the arrowes of Archers, whereas a
head al hid in haire gives even to a most wicked
face a sweet proportion, and lookes like a meddow
newly marryed to the Spring : which beauty in
men the Turkes envying, they no sooner lay
hold on a Christian, but the first marke they set
upon him, to make him know hees a slave, is to
shave off all his haire close to the scull. A
Mahometan cruelty therefore is it, to stuffe
breeches and tennis-balles with that, which,
when tis once lost, all the hare-hunters in the
world may sweat their hearts out, and yet
hardly catch it againe.

You then, to whom chastity has given an heire
apparant, take order that it may be apparant, and
to that purpose, let it play openly with the
lascivious wind, even on the top of your shoulders.
Experience cries out in every Citty, that those
self-same Criticall SatumistSy whose haire is
shorter than their eye-brows, take a pride to
have their hoary beards hang slavering like a
dozen of Foxetailes downe so low as their
middle. But (alas) why should the chinnes
and lippes of old men lick up that excrement,
which they violently clip away from the heads
of yong men ? Is it / because those long
beesomes (their beards) with sweeping the soft
bosomes of their beautiful yong wives, may
tickle their tender breasts, and make some
amends for their maisters' unrecoverable dul-
nesse ? No, no, there hangs more at the ends
of those long gray haires than all the world can



THE GULS HORN-BOOKE 31

come to the knowledge of. Certaine I am, that Benefits
when none but the golden age went currant upon oblong
earth, it was higher treason to clip haire, then to ^^
clip money : the comb and scizzers were con-
demned to the currying of hackneyes : he was
disfranchised for ever, that did but put on a
Barbers apron. Man, woman, and child wore
then haire longer then a law-suit ; every head,
when it stood bare or uncovered, lookt like a
butter-boxes nowle, having his thrumbd cap on.
It was free for all Nations to have shaggy pates,
as it is now onely for the Irishman. But since
this polling and shaving world crept up, locks
were lockt up, and haire fell to decay. Revive
thou therefore the old, buryed fashion, and (in
scorne of periwigs and sheep-shearing) keep thou
that quilted head-peece on continually. Long
haire will make thee looke dreadfully to thine
enemies, and manly to thy friends. It is, in
peace, an ornament ; in warre, a strong helmet.
It blunts the edge of a sword, and deads the
leaden thump of a bullet. In winter, it is a
warme night-cap, in sommer, a cooling fanne of
fethers.



CHAP. IIII.

How a Gallant should behave himselfe in Powles walkes.

Being weary with sailing up and downe alongst
these shores of Barbaria^ heere let us cast our
anchors, and nimbly leape to land in our coasts,
whose fresh aire shall be so much the more



32 THE GULS HORN-BOOKE

The gull pleasing to us, if the Ninny hammer (whose per-
in St. fection we labour to set forth) have so much
foolish wit left him as to choose the place where
to sucke in : for that true humorous Gallant that
desires to powre himselfe into all fashions (if
his ambition be such to excell even Complement
itselfe) must as well practise to diminish his
walkes, as to bee various in his sallets, curious in
his Tobacco, or ingenious in the trussing up of
a new Scotch-hose : / All which vertues are
excellent and able to maintaine him, especially
if the old worme-eaten Farmer, (his father) bee
dead, and left him five hundred a yeare, onely
to keepe an Irish hobby, an Irish horse-boy, and
himselfe (like a gentleman). Hee therefore that
would strive to fashion his leggs to his silke
stockings, and his proud gate to his broad garters,
let him whiffe downe these observations ; for, if
he once get to walke by the booke (and I see
no reason but he may, as well as fight by the
booke) Powles may be proud of him, Will
Clarke shall ring forth Encomiums in his honour,
John in Powles Church-yard, shall fit his head
for an excellent blocke, whilest all the Innes of
Court rejoice to behold his most hansome calfe.
Your Mediterranean He, is then the onely
gallery, wherein the pictures of all your true
fashionate and complementall Guls are, and
ought to be hung up : into that gallery carry
your neat body, but take heede you pick out
such an hour, when the maine Shoale of Ilanders
are swimming up and downe. And first observe
your doores of entrance, and your Exit, not
much unlike the plaiers at the Theaters, keeping



THE GULS HORN-BOOKE 33

your Decorums, even in phantasticality. As for The
example : if you prove to be a Northerne serving
Gentleman, I would wish you to passe through "^3^'s log
the North doore, more often (especially) then
any of the other : and so, according to your
countries, take note of your entrances. ^i^'V'^^

Now for your venturing into the Walke, be I , -.•
circumspect and wary what piller you come in
at, and take heede in any case (as you love the
reputation of your honour) that you avoide the
Serving-mans log, and approch not within five
fadom of that Piller ; but bend your course
directly in the middle line, that the whole body
of the Church may appeare to be yours ; where,
in view of all, you may publish your suit in what
manner you affect most, either with the slide of
your cloake from the one shoulder, and then
you must (as twere in anger) suddenly snatch at
the middle of the inside (if it be tatfata at the
least) and so by that meanes your costly lining is
betrayd, or else by the pretty advantage of Com-
plement. But one note by the way do I
especially wooe you to, the neglect of which
makes many of our Gallants cheape and ordinary,
that by no meanes you be seene above foure
turnes ; but in the fift make your selfe away,
either in some of the /' Sempsters' shops, the
new Tobacco-office, or amongst the Booke-
sellers, where, if you cannot reade, exercise
your smoake, and inquire who has writ against
this divine weede &c. For this withdrawing
your selfe a little, will much benefite your suit,
which else, by too long walking, would be
stale to the whole spectators : but howsoever if
c



34 THE GULS HORN-BOOKE

The gull Powles Jacks bee once up with their elbowes,
°^ ^ H h ^^^ quarrelling to strike eleven, as soone as ever
friends ^^^ clock has parted them, and ended the fray
with his hammer, let not the Dukes gallery con-
teyne you any longer, but passe away apace in
open view. In which departure, if by chance
you either encounter, or aloofe off throw your
inquisitive eye upon any knight or Squire, being
your familiar, salute him not bv his name of Sir
such a one, or so, but call him AW, or Jack, &c.
This will set off your estimation with great men :
and if (tho there be a dozen companies betweene
you, tis the better) bee call aloud to you (for
thats most gentile), to know where he shall find
you at two a clock, tell him at such an Ordinary,
or such, and bee sure to name those that are
deerest : and whither none but your Gallants
resort. After dinner you may appeare againe,
having translated yourselfe out of your English
cloth cloak, into a light Turky-grogram) if you
have that happinesse of shifting) and then be
seene (for a turne or two) to correct your teeth
with some quill or silver instrument, and to cleanse
your gummes with a wrought handkercher : It
skilles not whether you dined or no (thats best
knowne to your stomach) or in what place you
dined, though it were with cheese, (of your owne
mother's making) in your chamber or study.

Now if you chance to be a Gallant not much
crost among Citizens, that is, a Gallant in the
Mercers bookes, exalted for Sattens and velvets,
if you be not so much blest to bee crost Cas I
hold it the greatest blessing in the world, to bee
great in no mans bookes) your Powles walke is



THE GULS HORN-BOOKE 35

your onely refuge : the Dukes Tomb is a Sanctu- How to
ary, and wil keepe you alive from wormes and cozen
land-rattes, that long to be feeding on your QQigg'
carkas : there you may spend your legs in winter
a whole after-noone : converse, plot, laugh, and
talke any thing, jest at your Creditor, even to
his face, and in the evening, even by lamp-light,
steale out, and so cozen a whole covy of
abhominable catch-pols. Never / be seene to
mount the steppes into the quire, but upon a high
Festivall day, to preferre the fashion of your
doublet, and especially if the singing-boyes seeme
to take note of you : for they are able to buzze
your praises above their Anthems^ if their voyces
have not lost their maidenheads : but be sure
your silver spurres dog your heeles, and then the
Boyes will swarme about you like so many white
butter-flyes, when you in the open Quire shall
drawe forth a perfumed embrodred purse (the
glorious sight of which will entice many Country-
men from their devotion to wondering) and
quoyt silver into the Boyes handes, that it may
be heard above the first lesson, although it be
reade in a voyce as big as one of the great
Organs.

This noble and notable Act being performed,
you are to vanish presently out of the Quire, and
to appeare againe in the walk : But in any wise
be not observed to tread there long alone : for
feare you be suspected to be a Gallant casheerd
from the society of Captens and Fighters.

Sucke this humour up especially. Put off to
none, unlesse his hatband be of a newer fashion
then yours, and three degrees quainter ; but lor



36 THE GULS HORN-BOOKE

Duke him that weares a trebled cipers about his hatte,
^""?' (though he were an Aldermans sonne) never
Walk "^O'*^ ^o him : for hees suspected to be worse
then a Gull, and not worth the putting off to,
that cannot observe the time of his hatband, nor
know what fashioned block is most kin to his
head : for, in my opinion, ye braine that cannot
choose his Felt well (being the head ornament)
must needes powre folly into all the rest of the
members, and be an absolute confirmed Foole in
Summd Total'i.

All the diseased horses in a tedious siege can-
not shew so many fashions, as are to be scene
for nothing, every day, in Duke Humfryes ivalke.
If therefore you determine to enter into a new
suit, warne your Tailor to attend you in Powles,
who, with his hat in his hand, shall like a spy
discover the stuffe, colour, and fashion of any
doublet, or hose that dare be scene there, and
stepping behind a piller to fill his table-bookes
with those notes, will presently send you into
the world an accomplish! man : by which meanes
you shall weare your clothes in print with the
first edition. But / if Fortune favour you so
much as to make you no more then a meere
country gentleman, or but some three degrees
removd from him, (for which I should be very
sorie, because your London-experience wil cost
you deere before you shall have the wit to know
what you are) then take this lesson along with
you : The first time that you venture into Powles,
passe through the body of the Church like a
Porter, yet presume not to fetch so much as one
whole turne in the middle He, no nor to cast an



THE GULS HORN-BOOKE 37

eye to Si quis doore, (pasted and plaistered up St. Paul'
with Serving-mens supplications) before you have steeple
paid tribute to the top of Powles steeple with a
single penny : And when you are mounted there,
take heede how you looke downe into the yard ;
for the railes are as rotten as your great-Grand-
father ; and thereupon it will not be amisse if
you enquire how Kit Woodroffe durst vault over,
and what reason he had for it, to put his necke
in hazard of reparations. From hence you may
descend, to talke about the horse that went up,
and strive, if you can, to know his keeper : take
the day of the Moneth, and the number of the
steppes, and suffer yourselfe to believe verily
that it was not a horse, but something else in the
likenesse of one : which wonders you may
publish, when you returne into the country, to
the great amazement of all Farmers Daughters,
that will almost swound at the report, and never
recover till their banes bee asked twice in the
Church.


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