at the time ; nor does it, unfortunately, suffice at
this present moment to check something like an
inward chuckle, when I think of the trouble which
it cost the various retainers of the college to clear
COLLEGE THEATRICALS. 81
it effectually of its strange visitors. Hopkins, the
old butler, who was of rather an imaginative tem-
perament, and had a marvellous tale to tell any one
who would listen, of a departed bursar, who, having
caught his death of cold by superintending the lay-
ing down of three pipes of port, might ever after-
wards be heard, upon such interesting occasions,
walking about the damp cellars after nightfall in
pattens, ā Horjkins, the oracle of the college "tap,"
maintained that the frogs were something " off the
common ; " and strengthened his opinion by refer-
ence to a specimen which he had selected ā a lank,
black, skinny individual, which really looked ugly
enough to have come from anywhere. Scouts,
wives, and children (they always make a point of
having large families, in order to eat up the spare
commons), all were busy, through that eventful
day, in a novel occupation, and by dinner-time not
a frog was to be seen ; but long, long afterwards,
on a moist evening, fugitives from the general pro-
scription might be seen making their silent way
across the quadrangle, and croakings were heard at
night-time, which might (as Homer relates of his
frogs) have disturbed Minerva, only that the god-
dess of wisdom, in chambers collegiate, sleeps usu-
ally pretty sound.
The "business of the stays," however, bid fair
to supersede the business of the frogs, in the
dean's record of my supposed crimes; and as I fully
2 u
82 TALES FROM "BLACKWOOD."
intended to clear myself, even to his satisfaction, of
any suspicion which might attach to me from the
possession of such questionable articles so soon as
our theatre closed for the season, I resolved that
my successful defence from this last imputation
would be an admirable ground on which to assume
the dignity of a martyr, to appeal against all un-
charitable conclusions from insufficient premises,
and come out as the personification of injured inno-
cence throughout my whole college career.
When my interview with the dean was over, I
ordered some luncheon up to Leicester's rooms,
where, as I expected, I found most of my own
"set" collected, in order to hear the result. A
private conference with the official aforesaid seldom
boded good to the party so favoured ; the dean sel-
dom made his communications so agreeable as he
might have done. In college, as in most other
societies, La Rochefoucauld's maxim holds good,
that "there is always something pleasant in the
misfortunes of one's friends ; " and whenever an
unlucky wight did get into a row, he might pretty
confidently reckon upon being laughed at. In fact,
undergraduates considered themselves as engaged
in a w r ar of stratagem against an unholy alliance
of deans, tutors, and proctors ; and in every en-
counter the defeated party was looked upon as
the deluded victim of superior ingenuity ā as hav-
ing been "done," in short. So, if a lark succeeded,
COLLEGE THEATRICALS. 83
the authorities aforesaid were decidedly done, and
laughed at accordingly ; if it failed, why, the other
party were doue, and there was still somebody to
laugh at. No doubt, the jest was richer in the
first case supposed; but in the second there was
the additional gusto, so dear to human philan-
thropy, of having the victim present, and enjoying
his discomfiture, which, in the case of the dons
being the sufferers, was denied us. It may seem
to argue something of a want of sympathy to find
amusement in misfortunes which might any day be
our own ; but any one who ever witnessed the air
of ludicrous alarm with which an undergraduate
prepares to obey the summons (capable of but one
interpretation) ā " The dean wishes to see you, sir,
at ten o'clock" ā which so often, in my time at
least, was sent as a whet to some of the assem-
bled guests at a breakfast-party; whoever has been
applied to on such occasions for the loan of a toler-
able cap (that of the delinquent having its corners
in such dilapidated condition as to proclaim its
owner a "rowing man" at once), or has responded
to the pathetic appeal, "Do I look very seedy?"
ā any one to whom such absurd recollections of
early days occur (and if you, good reader, are a
university man, as, being a gentleman, I am bound
in charity to conclude you are, and yet have no
such reminiscences, allow me to suggest that you
must have been a very slow coach indeed) ā any
84 TALES FROM "BLACKWOOD."
one, I say once more, who knoAvs the ridiculous
figure which a man cuts when "hauled up" before
the college Minos or Radamanthus, will easily for-
give his friends for being inclined to laugh at him.
However, in the present case, any anticipations
of fun at my expense, which the party in Leices-
ter's rooms might charitably entertain, were some-
what qualified by the fear that the consequences
of any little private difference between the dean
and myself might affect the prosperity of our un-
licensed theatre. And when they heard how very
nearly the discovery of the stays had been fatal to
our project, execrations against Simmons's espion-
age were mingled with admiration of my escape
from so critical a position.
The following is, I apprehend, a unique speci-
men of an Oxford bill, and the only one, out of a
tolerably large bundle which I keep for the sake of
the receipts attached (a precaution by no means
uncalled for), which I find any amusement in refer-
ring to : ā
Hawthorne, Esq.,
To M. Moore. s. d.
2 pr. brown jean corsets, .... 80
Padding for do., made to order, . 2 6
Eec d . same day, M. M.
10 6
Very much surprised was the old lady, of whom I
made the purchase in my capacity of stage-manager,
COLLEGE TIIEATKICALS. 85
at so uncommon a customer in her line of business ;
and when, after enjoying her mystification for some
time, I let her into the secret, so delighted was
she at the notion, that she gave me sundry hints
as to the management of the female toilet, and
offered to get made up for me any dresses that
might be required. So I introduced Leicester and
his fellow-heroines to my friend Mrs Moore, and, by
the joint exertions of their own tastes and her
experience, they became possessed of some very
tolerable costumes. There was a good deal of fun
going on, I fancy, in fitting and measuring, in her
back parlour ; for there was a daughter, or a niece,
or something of the sort, who cut out the dresses
with the prettiest hands in the world, as Leicester
declared ; but I was too busy with carpenters,
painters, and other assistants, to pay more than a
flying visit to the ladies' department.
At last the rehearsal did come on. As Hastings,
I had not much in the way of dress to alter ; and,
having some engagement in the early part of the
morning, I did not arrive at the theatre until the
rest of the characters were already dressed and
ready to begin. Though I had been consulted
upon all manner of points, from the arranging of a
curl for Miss Neville to the colour of Diggory's
stockings, and knew the costume of every indi-
vidual as well as my own, yet so ludicrous was
the effect of the whole when I entered the room>
86 TALES FROM "BLACKWOOD."
that I threw myself into the nearest chair, and
laughed myself nearly into convulsions. The figure
which first met my eyes was a little ruddy fresh-
man, who had the part of the landlord, and who, in
his zeal to do honour to our preference, had dressed
the character most elaborately. A pillow, which
he could scarcely see over, puffed out his red waist-
coat ; and his hair was cut short, and powdered
with such good- will that for weeks afterwards, in
spite of diligent brushing, he looked as grey as the
Principal. There he stood, his legs clothed in
grey worsted, retreating far beyond his little white
apron, as if ashamed of their unusual appearance ā
" The mother that him bare,
She had not known her son."
Every one, however, had not been so classical in
their costume. There was Sir Charles Marlow in
what had been a judge's wig, and Mr Hardcastle in
a barrister's ; both sufficiently unlike themselves,
at any rate, if not very correct copies of their origi-
nals. Then the women ! As for Mrs Hardcastle,
she was perfection. There never was, I believe, a
better representation of the character. It was well
dressed, and turned out a first-rate bit of acting ā
very far superior to any amateur performance I ever
saw, and, with practice, would have equalled that
of any actress on the stage. Her very curtsy was
comedy itself. When I recovered my breath a
little, I was able to attend to the dialogue which
COLLEGE THEATKICALS. 87
was going on, which was hardly less ridiculous
than the strange disguises round me. " Now, Miss
Hardcastle" (Marlow loquitur), "I have no objec-
tion to your smoking cigars during rehearsal, of
course ā because you won't do that on Monday
night, I suppose ; but I must beg you to get out
of the practice of standing or sitting cross-legged,
because it's not lady-bike, or even bar-maid like ā
and don't laugh when I make love to you ; for
if you do, I shall break down to a certainty."
"Thornhill, do you think my waist will do?" said
the anxious representative of the fair Constance.
" I have worn these cursed stays for an hour every
evening for the last week, and drawn them an inch
tighter every time ; but I don't think I'm a very
good figure after all ā just try if they'll come any
closer, will you?" "Oh! Hawthorne, I'm glad
you are come," said Savile, whom I hardly knew,
in a red wig; " now, isn't there to be a bowl of real
punch in the scene at the Three Pigeons ā one
can't pretend to drink, you know, with any de-
gree of spirit?"ā " Oh! of course," said I ; "that's
one of the landlord's properties : Miller, you must
provide that, you know : send down for some
cold tankards now ; they will do very well for re-
hearsal." At last we got to work, and proceeded,
with the prompter's assistance, pretty smoothly,
and mutually applauding each other's performance,
going twice over some of the most difficult scenes,
88 TALES FROM "BLACKWOOD."
and cutting out a good deal of love and sentiment.
The pky was fixed for the next Monday night,
playbills ordered to be printed, and cards of invita-
tion issued to all the performers' intimate fiiends.
Every scout in the college, I believe, except my
rascal Simmons, was in the secret, and probably
some of the fellows had a shrewd guess at what
was going on ; but no one interfered with .us. We
carried on all our operations as quietly as possible ;
and the only circumstance likely to arouse suspicion
in the minds of the authorities, was the unusual
absence of all disturbances of a minor nature within
the walls, in consequence of the one engrossing
freak in which most of the more turbulent spirits
were engaged.
At length the grand night arrived. By nine
o'clock the theatre in Savile's rooms was as full
as it could be crammed with any degree of comfort
to actors and audience ; and in the study and bed-
room, which, being on opposite sides, served ad-
mirably for dressing-rooms behind the scenes, the
usual bustle of preparation was going on. As is
common in such cases, some essential properties
had been forgotten until the last moment. No
bonnet had been provided for Mrs Hardcastle to
take her walks abroad in ; and when the little hair-
dresser, who had been retained to give a finishing
touch to some of the coiffures, returned with one
belonging to his "missis," which lie had volun-
COLLEGE THEATMCALS. 89
teered to lend, the roar of uncontrollable merriment
which this new embellishment of our disguised
friend called forth, made the audience clamorous
for the rising of the curtain ā thinking, very excus-
ably, that it was quite unjustifiable to keep all the
fun to ourselves.
After some little trial of our "public's" patience,
the play began in good earnest, and was most
favourably received. Indeed, as the only price of
admission exacted was a promise of civil behaviour,
and there were two servants busily employed in
handing about punch and " bishop," it would have
been rather hard if we did not succeed in propitiat-
ing their good-humour. With the exception of two
gentlemen who had been dining out, and were
rather noisy in consequence, and evinced a strong
inclination occasionally to take a part in the dia-
logue, all behaved wonderfully well, greeting each
performer, as he made his first entrance, with a due
amount of cheering ; rapturously applauding all the
best scenes ; laughing (whether at the raciness
of the acting, or the grotesque metamorphoses of
the actors, made no great difference), and filling up
any gap which occurred in the proceedings on
the stage,' in spite of the prompter, with vociferous
encouragement to the " sticket " actor. With an
audience so disposed, each successive scene went
off better and better. One deserves to be parti-
cularised. It was the second in the first act of the
90 TALES FROM "BLACKWOOD."
comedy ; tlie stage directions for it are as follows :
" Scene ā An alehouse room ā Several shabby fel-
lows with punch and tobacco ; Tony at the head
of the table, &c, discovered." Never, perhaps, in
any previous representation, was the mise en scene
so perfect ; it drew three rounds of applause. A
very equivocal compliment to ourselves it may
be ; but such jolly-looking " shabby fellows " as
sat round the table at which our Tony presided,
were never furnished by the supernumeraries of
Drury or Covent Garden. They were as classical,
in their way, as Macready's Eoman mob. Then
there was no inake-believe puffing of empty pipes,
and fictitious drinking of small-beer for punch ;
every nose among the audience could appreciate
the genuineness of both bquor and tobacco ; and
the hearty encore which the song, with its stentorian
chorus, was honoured with, gave all the parties
engaged time to enjoy their punch and their pipes
to their satisfaction. It was quite a pity, as was
unauitnously agreed, when the entrance of Marlow
and Hastings, as in duty bound, interrupted so jovial
a society. But "all that's bright must fade" ā and
so the Three Pigeons' scene, and the play too, came
to an end in due course. The curtain fell amidst
universal applause, modified only by the urgent
request, which, as manager, I had more than once
to repeat, that gentlemen would be kind enough to
restrain their feelings for fear of disturbing the
COLLEGE THEATE1CALS. 91
dons. The house resolved itself into its com-
ponent elements ā all went their ways, ā the reading
men probably to a Greek play, by way of afterpiece ;
sleepy ones to bed, and idle ones to their various
inventions ; and the actors, after the fatigues of the
night, to a supper, which was to be the "finish."
It was to take place in one of the men's rooms
which happened to be on the same staircase, and
bad been committed to the charge of certain parties,
who tmderstood our notions of an unexceptionable
spread. And a right merry party we were, all
sitting down in character ā Mrs Hardcastle at the
top of the table, her worthy partner at bottom, with
the "young ladies" on each side. It was the best
tableau of the evening ; pity there was neither artist
to sketch, nor spectators to admire it ! But, like
many other merry meetings, there are faithful por-
traits of it ā proof impressions ā in the memories of
many who were present, not yet obliterated, hardly
even dimmed, by time ; laid by, like other valuables,
which, in the turmoil of life, we find no time to look
at, but not thrown aside or forgotten, and brought
out sometimes, in holidays and quiet hours, for us
to look at once more, and enjoy their beauty, and
feel, after all, how much what we have changed is
" caelum non animum." I am now ā no matter what.
Of my companions at that well-remembered supper,
one is a staid and orthodox divine ; one a rising
banister ; a third a respectable country gentleman,
92 TALES FKOM "BLACKWOOD."
justice of the peace, "and quorum;" a fourth, they
tell me, a semi-Papist : but set us all down together
in that same room, draw the champagne corks, and
let some Lethe (the said champagne, if you please)
wash out all that has passed over us in the last few
years, and my word on it, three out of four of us are
but boys still ; and though much shaving, pearl
powder, and carmine, might fail to make of any of
the party a heroine of any more delicate class than
Meg Merrilies, I have no doubt we could all of
us once more smoke a pipe in character at " The
Three Pigeons."
Merrily the evening passed off, and merrily the
little hours came on, and song and laugh rather
grew gayer than slackened. The strings of the
stays had long ago been cut, and the tresses, which
were in the way of the cigars, were thrown back in
dishevelled elegance. The landloi'd found his stuff-
ing somewhat warm, and had laid aside half his
fleshy encumbrance. Every one was -at his ease,
and a most uproarious chorus had just been sung by
the whole strength of the company, when we heard
the ominous sound of a quiet double-rap at the
outer door.
"Who's there?" said one of the most self-pos-
sessed of the company.
" I wish to speak to Mr Challoner," was the
quiet reply.
The owner of the rooms was luckilv in no more
COLLEGE THEATRICALS. 93
outre costume than that of Sir Charles Marlow ; and
having thrown off his wig, and buttoned his coat
over a deep-flapped waistcoat, looked tolerably like
himself as he proceeded to answer the summons.
I confess I rather hoped than otherwise that the
gentleman, whoever he was, would walk in, when,
if he intended to astonish us, he was very likely
to find the tables turned. However, even college
dons recognise the principle that every man's house
is his castle, and never violate the sanctity of even
an undergraduate's rooms. The object of this
present visit, however, was rather friendly than
otherwise. One of the fellows, deservedly popular,
had been with the dean, and had left him in a state
of some excitement from the increasing merriment
which came somewhat too audibly across the quad-
rangle from our party. He had called, therefore, to
advise Cballoner either to keep his friends quiet,
or to get rid of them, if he wished to keep out of
the dean's jurisdiction. As it was towards three in
the morning, we thought it prudent to take this
advice as it was meant, and in a few minutes began
to wend our respective ways homewards. Leicester
and myself, whose rooms lay in the same direction,
were steering along, very soberly, under a bright
moonlight, when something put it into the heads
of some other stragglers of the party to break out,
at the top of their voices, into a stanza of that
immortal ditty, "We won't go home till morning."
94 āŗ TALES FROM " BLACKWOOD."
Instantly we could hear a window, winch we well
knew to be the dean's, open above ns, and as the
unmelodious chorus went on, his wrath found vent
in the usual strain ā " Who is making that disturb-
ance?"
No one volunteering* an explanation, he went on.
" Who are those in the quadrangle ? "
Leicester and I walked somewhat faster. I am not
sure that our dignity did not condescend to run, as
we heard steps coming down from No. 5, at a pace
that evidently portended a chase, and remembered
for the first time the remarkable costume which, to
common observers, would indicate that there was a
visitor of an unusual character enjoying the moon-
light in the quadrangle. When we reached the
" thoroughfare," the passage from the inner to the
outer quadrangle, we fairly bolted ; and as the steps
came pretty fast after us, and Leicester's rooms
were the nearest, we both made good our retreat
thither, and sported oak.
The porter's lodge was in the next number ; and
hearing a knocking in that quarter, Leicester gently
opened the window, and we could catch the follow-
ing dialogue : ā
" Solomon ! open this door directly ā it is I, the
dean."
"Good dear sir!" said Solomon, apparently
asleep, and fumbling for the keys of the college
gates ā "let you out? yes, sir ā directly."
COLLEGE THEATRICALS. 95
" Listen to me, Solomon : I am not going out.
Did you let any one out just now ā just before I
called you?"
" No, sir ; nobody whatsorndever."
" Solomon ! I ask you, did you not, just now, let
a woman out?"
"Lawk! no, sir ā Lord forbid!" said Solomon,
now thoroughly wakened.
" Now, Solomon, bring your light, and come with
me ; this must be inquired into. I saw a woman
run this way, and if she is not gone through the
gate, she is gone into this next number. Whose
rooms are in No. 13?"
"There's Mr Dyson's, sir, on the ground-floor."
Mr Dyson was the very fellow who had called at
Challoner's rooms. " Hah ! well, I'll call Mr Dyson
up. Whose besides ? "
" There's Mr Leicester, sir, above his'n."
" Very well, Solomon ; call up Mr Dyson, and say
I wish to speak with him particularly."
And so saying, the dean proceeded up-stairs.
The moment Leicester heard his name mentioned,
he began to anticipate a domiciliary visit. The
thing was so ridiculous that we hardly knew what
to do.
" Shall I get into bed, Hawthorne ? I don't want
to be caught in this figure."
" Why, I don't know that you will be safe there,
in the present state of the dean's suspicions. No ;
9G TALES FROM "BLACKWOOD.
tuck up those confounded petticoats, clap on your
pea-jacket, twist those love-locks up under your
cap, light this cigar, and sit in your easy-chair.
The dean must be 'cuter than usual if he finds you
out as the lady he is in search of."
Leicester had hardly time to take this advice ā
the best I could hit upon at the moment ā when the
dean knocked at the door.
"Who are you? Come in," said we both in a
breath.
"I beg your pardon, Mr Leicester," said the
dean in his most official tone ; "nothing but actually
imperative duty occasions my intrusion at this un-
seasonable hour, but a most extraordinary circum-
stance must be my excuse. I saw, gentlemen ā I
saw with my own eyes," he continued, looking
blacker as he caught sight of me, and remembering,
no doubt, the little episode of the stays ā "I saw a
female figure move in this direction but a few
minutes ago. No such person has passed the gate,
for I have made inquiry ; certainly I have no reason
to suppose any such person is concealed here ; but I
am bound to ask yon, six, on your honour as a gentle-
man ā for I have no wish to make a search ā is there
any such person concealed in youp apartments?"
" On my honour, sir, no one is or has been lately
here, but myself and Mr Hawthorne."
Here Dyson came into the room, looking consi-
derably mystified.
COLLEGE THEATRICALS. 97
" What's the matter, Mr Dean ?" said he, nodding
good-lmmouredly to us.
"A most unpleasant occurrence, my dear sir; I
have seen a woman in this direction not five minutes
back. Unfortunately, I cannot be mistaken. She
either passed into the porter's lodge or into this
staircase."
" She is not in my rooms, I assure you," said he,
laughing; " I should think you made a mistake : it
must have been some man in a white mackintosh."
I smiled, and Leicester laughed outright.
" I am not mistaken, sir," said the dean warmly.
" I shall take your word, Mr Leicester ; but allow
me to tell you, that your conduct in lolling in that
chair, as if in perfect contempt, and neither rising,
nor removing your cap, when Mr Dyson and myself
are in your rooms, is consistent neither with the re-
spect due from an undergraduate, nor the behaviour
I should expect from a gentleman."
Poor Leicester coloured, and unwittingly removed
his cap. The chestnut curls, some natural and
some artificial, which had been so studiously
arranged for Miss Hardcastle's head-dress, fell in
dishevelled luxuriance round his face ; and as he
half rose from his previous position in the chair, a
pink-silk dress began to descend from under the
pea-jacket. Concealment was at an end ; the dean
looked bewildered at first, and then savage ; but a
hearty laugh from Dyson settled the business.
2 x
98 TALES FROM "BLACKWOOD."
" What, Leicester! you're the lady the dean has
been hunting about college ! Upon my word,
this is the most absurd piece of masquerading ! ā
what on earth is it all about?"
I pitied Leicester, be looked such an extraordi-
nary figure in his ambiguous dress, and seemed so