BEST SHORT STORIES
Collected by THOMAS L. MASSON
Published by DOUBLEDAY, PAGE & COMPANY for REVIEW OF REVIEWS CO. 1922
A FOREWORD TO EVERYBODY
There is a wide difference of opinion, even among the most
discriminating critics, as to what constitutes the point of a good joke.
Aside from varying temperaments, this is largely due to one's experience
with life in general. Or intimate acquaintance with certain phases of
life gives us a subtler appreciation of certain niceties, which would be
lost upon those who have not traveled over that particular path. The
doctor, the lawyer, the family man, and the soldier, each have their
minds sensitized to their own fields of thought. Human nature, however,
works according to universal laws, and a really first-class joke strikes
home to the majority.
The compiler of this collection has had it in mind to get as much
variety as possible, while at the same time to use only such material as
serves to illustrate some easily recognizable human trait.
It is almost needless to say that this book should not be read
continuously. It should be taken in small doses, as it is highly
concentrated.
Many old friends will be noticed in the crowd. But old friends, even
among jokes, should not be passed by too lightly.
BEST SHORT STORIES
THE POINT OF HONOR
A young lieutenant was passed by a private, who failed to salute. The
lieutenant called him back, and said sternly:
"You did not salute me. For this you will immediately salute two hundred
times."
At this moment the General came up.
"What's all this?" he exclaimed, seeing the poor private about to begin.
The lieutenant explained.
"This ignoramus failed to salute me, and as a punishment, I am making
him salute two hundred times."
"Quite right," replied the General, smiling. "But do not forget, sir,
that upon each occasion you are to salute in return."
ALWAYS GET THE FACTS
It is never wise to jump to conclusions. Always wait until the evidence
is all in.
A Jersey man of a benevolent turn of mind encountered a small boy in his
neighborhood who gave evidence of having emerged but lately from a
severe battle.
"I am sorry," said the man, "to see that you have a black eye, Sammy."
Whereupon Sammy retorted:
"You go home and be sorry for your own little boy - he's got two!"
CAN THIS BE TRUE?
A certain Irishman was taken prisoner by the Huns. While he was standing
alone, waiting to be assigned to his prison, or whatever fate awaited
him, the Kaiser came up.
"Hello," said the Kaiser. "Who have we here?"
"I'm an Irishman, your honor."
Then he winked solemnly.
"Oi say," he continued. "We didn't do a thing to you Germans, did we?
Eh, old chap?"
The Kaiser was horrified. Calling an orderly he said to him:
"Take this blasphemer away and put a German uniform on him, and then
bring him back."
Shortly the Irishman was returned, in a full German uniform.
"Well," said the Kaiser, "maybe you feel better now. How is it?"
Pat grabbed him by the arm, and leaning over, whispered:
"Oi say, we gave them Irish Hell, didn't we?"
NEW SERVANT-GIRL STORY
The wife of a successful young literary man had hired a buxom Dutch girl
to do the housework. Several weeks passed and from seeing her master
constantly about the house, the girl received an erroneous impression.
"Ogscuse me, Mrs. Blank," she said to her mistress one day, "but I like
to say somedings."
"Well, Rena?"
The girl blushed, fumbled with her apron, and then replied, "Vell, you
pay me four tollars a veek - '
"Yes, and I really can't pay you any more."
"It's not dot," responded the girl; "but I be villing to take tree
tollars till - till your husband gets vork."
HE WAS BROAD MINDED
Even married life does not affect some people unpleasantly, or take away
the fine spirit of their charity.
A certain factory-owner tells of an old employee who came into the
office and asked for a day off.
"I guess we can manage it, Pete," says the boss, "tho we are mighty
short-handed these days. What do you want to get off for?"
"Ay vant to get married," blushed Pete, who is by way of being a
Scandinavian.
"Married? Why, look here - it was only a couple of months ago that you
wanted to get off because your wife was dead!"
"Yas, ay gess so."
"And you want to get married again, with your wife only two months
dead?"
"Yas. Ay ain't ban hold no grudge long."
MISSED HIS CHANCE
Before introducing Lieutenant de Tessan, aide to General Joffre, and
Colonel Fabry, the "Blue Devil of France," Chairman Spencer, of the St.
Louis entertainment committee, at the M.A.A. breakfast told this
anecdote:
"In Washington Lieutenant de Tessan was approached by a pretty American
girl, who said:
"'And did you kill a German soldier?'
"'Yes,' he replied.
"'With what hand did you do it?' she inquired.
"'With this right hand,' he said.
"And then the pretty American girl seized his right hand and kissed it.
Colonel Fabry stood near by. He strolled over and said to Lieutenant de
Tessan:
"'Heavens, man, why didn't you tell her that you bit him to death?'"
GREAT RELIEF IN HEAVEN
The following story is from the _Libre Belgique_, the anonymous
periodical secretly published in Brussels, and which the utmost
vigilance of the German authorities has been unable to suppress.
Once upon a time Doctor Bethman-Holweg went up to heaven. The pearly
gates were shut, but he began to push his way through in the usual
German fashion. St. Peter rushed out of his lodge, much annoyed at the
commotion.
"Hi, there, who are you?" he demanded.
"I am Doctor Von Bethman-Holweg, the imperial chancellor," was the
haughty reply.
"Well, you don't seem to be dead; what are you doing around here?"
"I want to see God."
"Sorry," replied St. Peter, "but I don't think you can see him to-day;
in fact, he's not very well."
"Ah, I'm distressed to hear that," said the chancellor somewhat more
politely. "What seems to be the trouble?"
"We don't quite know, but we are afraid it is a case of exaggerated
ego," answered St. Peter. "He keeps walking up and down, occasionally
striking his chest with his clenched fist, and muttering to himself: 'I
am the kaiser! I am the kaiser!'"
"Dear me! that is really very sad," said the chancellor in a still
kindlier tone. "Now I happen to be the bearer of a communication from my
imperial master; perhaps it might cheer him up to hear it."
"What is it?"
"Why, the emperor has just issued a decree, providing that in future he
shall have the use of the nobiliary particle; from henceforth he will
have the right to call himself 'Von Gott'."
"Step right in, your excellency," interrupted St. Peter. "I am very sure
the new Graf will be much gratified to learn of the honor done him.
Third door to the right. Mind the step. Thank you."
UNCHANGEABLE
A story about Lord Kitchener, who was often spoken of as "the most
distinguished bachelor in the world," is being told. A young member of
his staff when he was in India asked for a furlough in order to go home
and be married. Kitchener listened to him patiently then he said:
"Kenilworth, you're not yet twenty-five. Wait a year. If then you still
desire to do this thing you shall have leave."
The year passed. The officer once more proffered his request.
"After thinking it over for twelve months," said Kitchener, "you still
wish to marry?"
"Yes, sir."
"Very well, you shall have your furlough. And frankly, my boy, I
scarcely thought there was so much constancy in the masculine world."
Kenilworth, the story concludes, marched to the door, but turned to say
as he was leaving: "Thank you, sir. Only it's not the same woman."
HE KNEW THE LAW
An old colored man charged with stealing chickens was arraigned in court
and was incriminating himself when the judge said:
"You ought to have a lawyer. Where's your lawyer?"
"Ah ain't got no lawyer, jedge," said the old man.
"Very well, then," said his honor, "I'll assign a lawyer to defend you."
"Oh, no, suh; no, suh! Please don't do dat!" the darky begged.
"Why not?" asked the judge. "It won't cost you anything. Why don't you
want a lawyer?"
"Well, jedge, Ah'll tell you, suh," said the old man, waving his
tattered old hat confidentially. "Hit's dis way. Ah wan' tah enjoy dem
chickens mahse'f."
A SERMON ON THE WAR BY PARSON BROWN
The historic colored preacher who held forth so strenuously after the
Civil War has almost become obsolete, but in certain sections he still
holds his own, as the following sermon, taken from _Life_, will show:
Brederen an' Sisterin: I done read de Bible from kiver to kiver, from
lid to lid an' from end to end, an' nowhar do I find a mo' 'propriate
tex' at dis time, when de whole worl' is scrimmigin' wid itse'f, dan de
place whar Paul Pinted de Pistol at de Philippines an' said, "Dou art de
man."
Kaiser Bill ob Germany is de man, an' Uncle Sam done got de pistol
pinted his way, an' goin' to pull de trigger, lessen Bill gits off his
perch, like dat woman Jezebel dat sassed Ahab from de roof top.
Ahab say to his soldiers, "Go up an' th'ow dat woman down," an' dey
th'ew her down. Den he say, "Go up an' th'ow her down again," an' dey
th'ew her down again; an' he say, "Take her back up an th'ow her down
seben times," an' dey th'owed her down seben times, an' ast if dat ain't
enough.
But Ahab done got his dander up, an' say, "No! Dat ain't enough. Th'ow
her down sebenty times seben."
And afterwards dey done pick up twelve baskets ob de fragments dereob.
Dat's what gwine ter happen ter dat Bill Heah Him Hollerin.
De Good Book done fo'told dis here war, an' jist how it gwine ter end.
Don't it say about de four beasts in de book of Relations, what spit
fire an' brimstone, meanin' de Kaiser, de Turks, de Ostriches, and de
Bullgeraniums, case two ob dem beasteses is birds, an' Ostriches an'
Turkys is birds. De bigges' beast is de Kaiser, case he uses Germans to
pizen his enemies. De newspapers say as how diseases is all caused by
Germans gittin' in de food an' bein' breathed in de lungs, givin' folks
hydrophobia an' lumbago an' consumption.
Dis brings us to de time when Abraham led de chillun ob Israel into
Egypt, an' Moses led 'em out again case de folks ob Egypt so bad dey
shoot craps all day, and eben make Faro de king. Dey take all de money
'way from de Jews an' raise de price ob cawn an' hay till de po' Jews
can't live.
Rockefeller-Morgan Faro, de king, say dey can't go, but Moses done got
de Lawd on his side, an' he crossed de Red Sea in submarines, so Faro
got drowned wid all his host. De mummy ob dat same Faro is still alive
in de big museums ob de world, but whar de host is no man can tell.
Dat de way de Wall Street gang dat been raisin' de price ob food gwine
ter pass in dey checks - in de Red Sea ob blood ob dis war.
Moses an' de Jews went trabelin' ober de desert till one day dey gits so
hungry dey makes a fatted calf ob gold while Moses up on Mount Sinai
gittin' de law laid down. Moses come er-cussin' back an' busted de Law
ober Aaron's head, an' den dey killed de fatted calf an' put a ring on
his finger. For de prodigal done return, an' dey is mo' rejoicin' ober
one sinner sabed dan ninety an' nine what doan know 'nuff to put deir
money in de contribution box instead ob shootin' it 'way on craps.
Oh, I knows you backsliders, an' ef any ob you doan come across while
Dekin Jones passes de box, I'se gwine ter preach nex' Sunday on what
happened ter de money-chasers in de temple.
We will now sing two verses ob "Th'ow Out de Lifeline, Anoder Ship
Sinkin' To-day."
"OVER HERE"
The hobo knocked at the back door and the lady of the house appeared.
"Lady," he said, "I was at the front - "
"You poor man!" she exclaimed. "One of war's victims. Wait till I get
you some food, and you shall tell me your story. You were in the
trenches, you say?"
"Not in the trenches. I was at the front - "
"Don't try to talk with your mouth full. Take your time. What deed of
heroism did you do at the front?"
"Why, I knocked, but I couldn't make nobody hear, so I came around to
the back."
LIFE'S ETERNAL QUERY
Did it ever occur to you that a man's life is full of cussedness? He
comes into the world without his consent, and goes out against his will,
and the trip between is exceedingly rocky.
When he is little, the big girls kiss him; when he is big, the little
girls kiss him. If he is poor, he is a bad manager; if he is rich, he's
a crook. If he is prosperous, everybody wants to do him a favor; if he
needs credit, they hand him a lemon.
If he is in politics, it is for graft; if out of politics, he is no good
to his country. If he doesn't give to charity, he's a tightwad; if he
does, it's for show. If he is actively religious, he is a hypocrite; and
if he takes no interest in religion, he is a heathen.
If he is affectionate, he is a soft mark; if he cares for no one, he is
cold-blooded. If he dies young, there was a great future for him; if he
lives to an old age, he missed his calling.
If you don't fight, you're yellow; if you do, you're a brute.
If you save your money, you're a grouch; if you spend it, you're a
loafer; if you get it, you're a grafter, and if you don't get it, you're
a bum.
_So what's the use?_
HIGH FINANCE
Even certain professors, who are supposed to be immune from commercial
inducements are sometimes financially overcautious. A party of tourists
were watching Professor X as he exhumed the wrapt body of an ancient
Egyptian.
"Judging from the utensils about him," remarked the professor, "this
mummy must have been an Egyptian plumber."
"Wouldn't it be interesting," said a romantic young lady, "if we could
bring him to life?"
"Interesting, but a bit risky," returned Professor X. "Somebody might
have to pay him for his time."
MATRIMONIAL PROFUNDITY
A young planter in Mississippi had an old servant called Uncle Mose, who
had cared for him as a child and whose devotion had never waned. The
young man became engaged to a girl of the neighborhood who had a
reputation for unusual beauty and also for a very violent temper.
Noticing that Uncle Mose never mentioned his approaching marriage, the
planter said:
"Mose, you know I am going to marry Miss Currier?"
"Yassuh, I knows it."
"I haven't heard you say anything about it," persisted the planter.
"No, suh," said Mose. "Tain't fo' me to say nothin' 'bout it. I's got
nothin' to say."
"But you must have some opinion about so important a step on my part."
"Well, suh," said the old negro with some hesitation, "yo' knows one
thing - the most p'izonest snakes has got the most prettiest skins."
THE NEW REGIME
The new change in social conditions to be brought about by the war is
illustrated in the following advertisements taken from _Life_:
SITUATIONS WANTED
HUSBAND AND WIFE would like position as gardener and cook, or will do
anything. 23 years in last place as czar and czarina. Salary not so
important as permanent place in quiet, peaceful atmosphere. Address
ROMANOFF, this paper.
EMPLOYERS, giving up royalty, would like to secure position for their
king. Steady, experienced, thoroughly broken to crown and sceptre.
Distance no objection. Will go anywhere. Small salary to start.
CONSTANTINE, 49 Greece, in rear. (Ring Sophy's bell.)
YOUNG MONARCH, 28 years old, 4 years as king in last place, would accept
like position in small, tranquil country, Latin preferred. No objection
to South America. Light, rangy and stylish, very fast, and thoroughly
broken to bombs and revolutions. MANUEL J. PORTUGAL, London.
KING AND QUEEN, Swedish, expecting to make change shortly, would like
position as gardener and coachman, cook and laundress. Good home more
important than salary. A1 references. Address GUS and VICKY, care this
paper.
EMPEROR, 29 years as Kaiser in present position, expecting to be at
liberty shortly, owing to change in employers' circumstances, would like
place as assassin, or pig-sticker in abattoir. No aversion to blood.
Cool, resourceful, determined. Address EFFICIENT, care this paper.
WHERE IGNORANCE IS BLISS;
Thus, seeking to be kind and fraternal, but at the same time perfectly
honest, if we make mistakes, we may still comfort ourselves with the
assurance which his Irish Catholic servant once expressed to the devout
and learned Bishop Whately.
"Do you really believe," he asked her, "that there is no salvation
outside of the Roman Catholic Church?"
"Shure, an' I do," she replied, "for that's what the praist ses."
"Well, then, what is going to become of me?"
"Oh, that's all right," she answered, with an Irish twinkle in her eyes.
"Yer riverence will be saved by yer ignorince."
WHEN THE "S" FELL OUT
"We are thorry to thay," explained the editor of the Skedunk _Weekly
News_, "that our compothing-room wath entered lath night by thome
unknown thcoundrel, who thtole every 'eth' in the ethtablithment, and
thucceeded in making hith ethcape undetected.
"The motive of the mithcreant doubtleth wath revenge for thome
thuppothed inthult.
"It thall never be thaid that the petty thpite of any thmall-thouled
villain hath dithabled the _Newth_, and if thith meet the eye of the
detethtable rathcal, we beg to athure him that he underethtimated the
rethourceth of a firtht-clath newthpaper when he thinkth he can cripple
it hopelethly by breaking into the alphabet. We take occathion to thay
to him furthermore that before next Thurthday we thall have three timeth
ath many etheth ath he thtole.
"We have reathon to thuthpect that we know the cowardly thkunk who
committed thith act of vandalithm, and if he ith ever theen prowling
about thith ethtablithment again, by day or by night, nothing will give
uth more thatithfaction than to thoot hith hide full of holeth."
FULL PARTICULARS FREE
They were seated in a tramcar - the mother and her little boy.
The conductor eyed the little boy suspiciously. He had to keep a lookout
for people who pretended that their children were younger than they
really were, in order to obtain free rides for them.
"And how old is your little boy, madam, please?"
"Three and a half," said the mother truthfully.
"Right, ma'am," said the conductor, satisfied.
Little Willie pondered a minute. It seemed to him that fuller
information was required.
"And mother's thirty-one," he said politely.
THEY WERE SO GLAD TO SEE HIM
"I am taking some notes about civic pride," said the urbane stranger, as
he wandered into the up-to-date community. "I suppose you have such a
thing?"
"Well, I should say we had," said the corner real estate agent. "I am
loaded with it myself."
"Good!" replied the agent, taking out his memo-book. "I'll make a note
of it. This, you will understand, is a more or less scientific inquiry,
and I shall make my estimates as carefully as possible, with all due
regard to the human equation. Who, should you say, has the most civic
pride in town?"
"That is some problem," replied the agent, "but you might go across the
way to the Woman's Club. Out of courtesy to the ladies I am ready to
yield the palm."
"Yes," said the president of the Woman's Club when she had heard the
visitor's errand. "We have the most civic pride, of course. The Town
Council thinks it has, and the Board of Education thinks it has, but pay
no attention to them; we are on the job day and night; as a factory for
turning out civic pride, nobody in this vicinity can beat us. You want
to hear my lecture on the subject at the next meeting."
"Thanks," said the visitor, "but you will appreciate that in these
piping times of war, I am a busy man, and must hurry on. Has anybody
else any civic pride here that you could name?"
He was presented with a list and went about town getting them all down.
At the end of several days, all the organizations in town that dealt in
civic pride got together and arranged for a banquet for the
distinguished stranger. They were immensely proud that he had come among
them.
It was a great affair. The mayor, who was swelling with civic pride,
vied with the president of the Woman's Club. It was, indeed, a
neck-and-neck race between them as to who had the greater quantity of
civic pride.
At the end of the banquet, when they were all bidding the guest good-bye
with tears streaming down their faces, the only pessimist in town got up
and said:
"Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen, for obtruding my repellent personality
on this joyful assemblage, but our dear guest will not, I am sure,
object to answering a simple question. I have no civic pride myself, but
do you mind, sir, telling me the object of your visit to this lovely
little burg?"
"Certainly not," said the guest, as he prepared to take a quick slant
through the door, "no objection at all. You see, my friends, civic pride
is the only thing that the government hasn't taxed. You'll get your
bills a little later, based on your own estimates. Much obliged for all
your first-hand information."
HAD TO BE SETTLED
"Johnny, it was very wrong for you and the boy next door to fight."
"We couldn't help it, father."
"Could you not have settled your differences by a peaceful discussion
of the matter, calling in the assistance of unprejudiced opinion, if
need be?"
"No, father. He was sure he could whip me and I was sure I could whip
him, and there was only one way to find out."
STILL UNBEATEN
The sergeant-major had the reputation of never being at a loss for an
answer. A young officer made a bet with a brother officer that he would
in less than twenty-four hours ask the sergeant-major a question that
would baffle him.
The sergeant-major accompanied the young officer on his rounds, in the
course of which the cook-house was inspected. Pointing to a large copper
of water just commencing to boil, the officer said:
"Why does that water only boil round the edges of the copper and not in
the centre?"
"The water round the edge, sir," replied the veteran, "is for the men on
guard; they have their breakfast half an hour before the remainder of
the company."
ACCOUNTING FOR IT
Levi Cohen was looking very dejected. That morning he left the house
with five pounds in his pocket to try his luck at the races, but, alas!
he had returned at nightfall footsore and weary, and nothing in his
possession but a bad half-penny.
No wonder his better half was in a bad temper. "How is it," she snapped,
"that you're so unlucky at the races, and yet you always win at cards?"
"Well, my dear," responded Levi, meekly, "you see, it's this way: I
don't shuffle the horses."
HIS LACK
A keen-eyed mountaineer led his overgrown son into a country
schoolhouse.
"This here boy's arter larnin'," he announced. "What's yer bill o'
fare?"
"Our curriculum, sir," corrected the school-master, "embraces geography,
arithmetic, trigonometry - "
"That'll do," interrupted the father. "That'll do. Load him up well with
triggernometry. He's the only poor shot in the family."
A REVISED CLASSIC
"Now, my dear girl," said Bluebeard, "remember you can go anywhere in
the house but the pantry. That is locked up, and the key will be placed
under the mat. Remove it at your peril."
Consumed with curiosity, Mrs. Bluebeard could scarcely wait until her
husband had cranked his machine before she was trying the key. It fitted
perfectly. She turned it, and entered. Within was the finest collection
of provisions that she had ever seen: at least a hundred dozen eggs
preserved in water, sacks of potatoes, barrels of wheat - in fact, a
complete commissary department.
And then, as she looked out of the window, she gave a faint scream. Her
husband was returning. He had a puncture. She retained her presence of
mind, however, long enough to step to the telephone. Just as she had
finished delivering the message Bluebeard entered.
"Ha!" he exclaimed. "So you have forced the pantry. I see flour on your
lips. Prepare to die."
Mrs. Bluebeard only smiled.
"Not so fast," she muttered. At this moment Herbert Hoover entered the
house.
"So you are the wretch who has been storing up private food supplies,
contrary to my orders!" he exclaimed. "Ninety days in jail!"
Whereupon Mrs. Bluebeard, waving her late lord and master farewell,
prepared to beat up a luscious eggnog.
SCOTCH THRILLS
Sandy Macpherson came home after many years and met his old sweetheart.
Honey-laden memories thrilled through the twilight and flushed their
glowing cheeks.
"Ah, Mary," exclaimed Sandy, "ye're just as beautiful as ye ever were,
and I ha'e never forgotten ye, my bonnie lass."
"And ye, Sandy," she cried, while her blue eyes moistened, "are just as
big a leear as ever, an' I believe ye jist the same."
HIS APPLICATION
An alien, wishing to be naturalized, applied to the clerk of the office,
who requested him to fill out a blank, which he handed him. The first
three lines of the blank ran as follows:
Name?
Born?
Business?
The answers follow:
Name, Jacob Levinsky.
Born, Yes.
Business, Rotten.
A CLINCHER
Pat O'Flaherty, very palpably not a prohibitionist, was arrested in
Arizona recently, charged with selling liquor in violation of the
Prohibition law. But Pat had an impregnable defense. His counsel, in
addressing the jury, said:
"Your Honor, gentlemen of the jury, look at the defendant."
A dramatic pause, then:
"Now, gentlemen of the jury, do you honestly think that if the defendant
had a quart of whiskey he would sell it?"
The verdict, reached in one minute, was "Not guilty."
SMARTY
A full-blown second lieutenant was endeavoring to display his great
knowledge of musketry. Sauntering up to the latest recruit, he said:
"See here, my man, this thing is a rifle, this is the barrel, this is
the butt, and this is where you put the cartridge in."
The recruit seemed to be taking it all in, so the officer, continuing,
said:
"You put the weapon to your shoulder; these little things on the barrel
are called sights; then to fire you pull this little thing, which is
called the trigger. Now, smarten yourself up, and remember what I have
told you; and, by the way, what trade did you follow before you
enlisted? A collier, I suppose!"
"No, sir," came the reply; "I only worked as a gunsmith for the
Government Small Arms Factory."
THE ECLIPSE TO ORDER
On the evening before a solar eclipse the colonel of a German regiment
of infantry sent for all the sergeants and said to them:
"There will be an eclipse of the sun to-morrow. The regiment will meet
on the parade ground in undress. I will come and explain the eclipse
before drill. If the sky is cloudy the men will meet in the drill shed,
as usual."
Whereupon the ranking sergeant drew up the following order of the day:
"To-morrow morning, by order of the colonel, there will be an eclipse
of the sun. The regiment will assemble on the parade ground, where the
colonel will come and superintend the eclipse in person. If the sky is
cloudy the eclipse will take place in the drill shed."
A CONNOISSEUR
Two brothers were being entertained by a rich friend. As ill luck would
have it, the talk drifted away from ordinary topics.
"Do you like Omar Khayyam?" thoughtlessly asked the host, trying to make
conversation. The elder brother plunged heroically into the breach.
"Pretty well," he said, "but I prefer Chianti."
Nothing more was said on this subject until the brothers were on their
way home.
"Bill," said the younger brother, breaking a painful silence, "why can't
you leave things that you don't understand to me? Omar Khayyam ain't a
wine, you chump; it's a cheese."
NOURISHMENT
An old South Carolina darky was sent to the hospital of St. Xavier in
Charleston. One of the gentle, black-robed sisters put a thermometer in
his mouth to take his temperature. Presently, when the doctor made his
rounds, he said:
"Well, Nathan, how do you feel?"
"I feel right tol'ble, boss."
"Have you had any nourishment?"
"Yassir."
"What did you have?"
"A lady done gimme a piece of glass ter suck, boss."
HAD HAD TREATMENT
He was a mine-sweeper, and, home on leave, was feeling a bit groggy. He
called to see a doctor, who examined him thoroughly.
"You're troubled with your throat, you say?" said the doctor.
"Aye, aye, sir," said the sailor.
"Have you ever tried gargling it with salt and water?" asked the doctor.
The mine-sweeper groaned.
"I should say so!" he said. "I've been torpedoed seven times!"
HOW HE GOT THEM
A British soldier was walking down the Strand one day. He had one leg
off and an arm off and both ears missing and his head was covered with
bandages, and he was making his way on low gear as best he could, when
he was accosted by an intensely sympathetic lady who said:
"Oh, dear, dear! I cannot tell you how sorry I am for you. This is
really terrible. Can't I do something? Do tell me, did you receive all
these wounds in real action?"
A weary expression came over that part of the soldier's face that was
visible as he replied:
"No, madam; I was cleaning out the canary bird cage, and the d - - d bird
bit me!"
CÆSAR VISITS CICERO
How modern are the old fellows. Here is a story related by Cicero in one
of his letters which will recall the embarrassments we have ourselves
felt in the presence of the unexpected.
Cicero gives an account to his friend of a visit he had just received
from the Emperor Julius Cæsar. He had invited Julius to pass a few days
with him, but he came quite unexpectedly with a thousand men! Cicero,
seeing them from afar, debated with another friend what he should do
with them but at length managed to encamp them. To feed them was a less
easy matter. The emperor took everything quite easily, however, and was
very pleasant, "but," adds Cicero, "he is not the man to whom I should
say a second time, 'if you are passing this way, give me a call.'"
WHY BE POLITE ANYWAY?
Every seat was occupied, when a group of women got in. The conductor
noticed a man who he thought was asleep.
"Wake up!" shouted the conductor.
"I wasn't asleep," said the passenger.
"Not asleep! Then what did you have your eyes closed for?"
"It was because of the crowded condition of the car," explained the
passenger. "I hate to see the women standing."
THE ARRIVAL OF WILHELM
What may be the Kaiser's ultimate fate is thus amusingly told by _Life_
of the scene in Hell on a certain day:
"What's all the racket about?" said Satan, stepping out of the Brimstone
Bath, where he was giving two or three U-boat commanders an extra
flaying.
"Poor old Hohenzollern has got it in the neck at last," said
Machiavelli, who was hosing off the premises with vitriol in
preparation for a new squad of shirtwaist-factory owners.
Satan listened attentively. Indeed, it was true. The Hohenzollerns had
been booted off the throne of Germany.
"Well, that's tough," said Satan. "I never could see why they chivied
those poor Hohenzollerns so. They were perfect devils. I have often said
so. Poor old Bill! Why, he was one of the best pupils I ever had. I
heard someone say that he had made Belgium a hell upon earth. Wasn't
that a compliment?"
"Not only that," said Machiavelli; "he had the novel idea of making the
sea a hell, too. He and Tirpitz did magnificent work. Not even a party
of schoolgirls could go on the water without getting torpedoed. They
drowned I don't know how many innocent women and children in a manner
worthy of the highest education."
"That deportation of non-combatants from Lille was excellent, too,"
mused Satan.
"Don't forget the shooting of Miss Cavell," said Machiavelli. "And there
was the bombing of unfortified towns, and the poison gas. Why, in my
palmiest days I never thought of anything so choice as that poison gas.
I told Borgia about it, and she went green with envy."
"You're right, Mac," said Satan, treading in his excitement on a
captain of Uhlans who was hanging out to cool; "that Kaiser is a regular
prince of darkness. When he gets down here (and I guess he will pretty
soon) we'll omit the setting-up exercises and put him right into
advanced tactics. Come to think of it, there were those prison camps,
too, where he allowed captured soldiers to rot with filth and disease
without any physicians. Excellent!"
"There's only one drawback," said Machiavelli regretfully. "The man has
raised so much hell on earth that I doubt if there's much we can teach
him down here. Really, he's not an amateur at all, but a professional. I
don't know whether it wouldn't be more punishment to send him to heaven
instead. As a matter of fact, down here he'll feel perfectly at home."
"I guess we can still think up one or two little novelties for him,"
said Satan, as he opened a trap-door and let a dozen of Billy Sunday's
converts drop into the blazing sulphur.
IMMORTAL!
When Julia Ward Howe died, memorial services in her honor were held at
San Francisco, and the local literary colony attended practically en
masse to pay by their presence a tribute to the writer.
A municipal officer was asked to preside. Dressed in his long frock coat
and his broad white tie, he advanced to the edge of the platform to
launch the exercises and introduce the principal eulogist. He bowed low
and spoke as follows:
"Your attendance here, ladies and gents, in such great numbers shows San
Francisco's appreciation of good literature. This meeting is a great
testimonial to the immortal author of 'Uncle Tom's Cabin' - the late
Julia Ward Howard!"
ORIENTAL POLITENESS
William M. Chase used to tell this story:
"I was standing on a railway platform in Japan, waiting for a train, and
whiling away my time by watching a particularly beautiful sunset.
"Suddenly a freight train pulled in and, stopping in front of me, cut
off my view. Being a good American, and trained in a very proper respect
for 'business,' I merely turned philosophically away and proceeded to
look at something else. In a moment, however, the station master
appeared at my side and inquired with the politest of bows if I had
been enjoying the sunset.
"I admitted that I had, and smilingly accepted his apology for the
intrusion of the train. 'Of course I recognized that trains were the
first consideration in stations,' I said.
"Imagine my surprise, then, when the little Japanese shook his head
firmly. 'But no,' he said, bowing even more deeply than before, 'the
train must not be allowed to obstruct the honorable artistic traveler's
honorable æsthetic enjoyment' - or words to that effect. 'I will cause it
to withdraw,'
"And he actually did precisely that!"
ALAS! TOO LATE!
The Englishman's undying love for certain civilized things is thus
portrayed by R. Richard Schayer in _Life_.
In a gorse bush a hundred yards beyond his trench lay Lieutenant
Fitzhugh Throckmorton of the King's Own Rifles, asleep at his post. For
hours he had lain there, searching the position of the enemy through his
binoculars. Overcome by fatigue, he had nodded, drowsed, and finally
slumbered.
The sun hung low in the western mists when Throckmorton awoke. He
glanced at his wristwatch and sprang to his feet with an oath.
Regardless of peril, he turned and sprinted toward his trench. His was
not a nature to count the risk when duty, however delayed, called. Every
German sniper within range sent shot upon shot after the flying figure.
The enemy's trenches took up the hunt and fairly blazed with rifle and
machine gun fire. The bullets hummed in Throckmorton's ears like a swarm
of savage hornets. They snarled and bit at the turf about his feet like
a pack of wolves.
With a last desperate burst of speed, his clothing tattered with bullet
holes, the Lieutenant gained his trench and leaped down to its cover.
His face, wearing an expression of mingled hope and despair, he rushed
to the bomb-proof dug-out where sat his Colonel and brother officers.
They looked up at him with cold eyes. One glance and Throckmorton's
heart failed him. He was too late.
They had finished tea.
WHO COULD TELL?
A Scottish doctor who was attending a laird had instructed the butler of
the house in the art of taking and recording his master's temperature
with a thermometer. On paying his usual morning call he was met by the
butler, to whom he said: "Well, John, I hope the laird's temperature is
not any higher to-day?"
The man looked puzzled for a minute, and then replied: "Weel, I was just
wonderin' that mysel'. Ye see, he deed at twal' o'clock."
HE COULDN'T HAVE MISSED IT
The average foreigner can rarely comprehend the geographical area of the
United States, as was quite fully illustrated by the Englishman and his
valet who had been traveling due west from Boston for five days. At the
end of the fifth day master and servant were seated in the smoking-car,
and it was observed that the man was gazing steadily and thoughtfully
out of the window. Finally his companion became curious. "William," said
he, "of what are you thinking?"
"I was just thinking, sir, about the discovery of Hamerica," replied the
valet. "Columbus didn't do such a wonderful thing, after all, when he
found this country, did he, now, sir? Hafter hall's said an' done, 'ow
could 'e 'elp it?"
GUILTY
The sniper is ever prevalent on the western front. A certain Colonel,
who was by the way quite unpopular with his regiment, was one afternoon
sitting in a shack, when a report was heard and a bullet whizzed over
his head.
Calling a private, he said testily:
"Go out and get that sniper."
The man was gone for some time, but he eventually returned with Fritz.
He had not got him in, however, before he began to belabor him fiercely.
"What are you beating up that Hun for?" asked a comrade.
"He missed the Colonel," whispered the other.
ENVY
Miss Amy Lowell, sister of President Lowell of Harvard, is not only a
distinguished poetess, being by many considered the head of the Vers
Libre school in this country, but she is also the guardian of a most
handsome and stately presence.
Oliver Herford, himself a poet and wit, doubtless inspired by envy,
recently remarked of her that
"One half of Amy Lowell doesn't know how the other half lives."
A GENTLE DISSOLUTION
A couple of Philadelphia youths, who had not met in a long while, met
and fell to discussing their affairs in general.
"I understand," said one, "that you broke your engagement with Clarice
Collines."
"No, I didn't break it."
"Oh, she broke it?"
"No, she didn't break it."
"But it is broken?"
"Yes. She told me what her raiment cost, and I told her what my income
was. Then our engagement sagged in the middle and gently dissolved."
A FUTILE EXPERIMENT
William Williams hated nicknames. He used to say that most fine given
names were ruined by abbreviations, which was a sin and a shame. "I
myself," he said, "am one of six brothers. We were all given good,
old-fashioned Christian names, but all those names were shortened into
meaningless or feeble monosyllables by our friends. I shall name my
children so that it will be impracticable to curtail their names."
The Williams family, in the course of time, was blessed with five