railroads. Have we really lost or gained? Marvelous girl, that, sir.
Masterpiece of literature when she was twenty-one, and no background but
an untidy English village. You've heard of Jane Austen, I presume?"
"Can't say I have."
The slight man smiled sympathetically.
"I get a great deal of pleasure from books," he went on. "Bachelor.
Marvelous solace. May know Wordsworth's famous lines, eh? 'Books we know
are a substantial world,' etc. Perhaps you have read something of Thomas
Love Peacock?"
"Never heard of him."
"Ah! Missed a great deal. Wonderful satirist, that. But still, I must
admit that neither he nor Miss Austen are common. Now there's Mark
Twain - for general reading, rain or shine, can't be beaten. American to
the core, sir. Smacks of the soil. Perhaps he missed any warm love
interest - but a delightful humorist, sir. You read him regularly, I
presume?"
"Can't say I do."
"Of course, sir, books are not all. I agree with our old friend,
Montaigne, about that. By the way, which do you prefer, Dickens or
Thackeray?"
"Can't say, sir. They're strangers to me."
"Perhaps you've heard of a man named Walter Scott. As his name implies,
he was born in Scotland. He wrote books, you know - novels, stories.
Rather good, eh? Human interest - wholesome reading - and all that sort of
thing."
"Don't recall him."
The slight man rose up in his seat. He bore down hard upon the stranger.
"Possibly," he suggested, "in the course of your deep and intimate
intercourse with men and affairs, you may recall the name of an
individual named Shakespeare."
"Yes, I think I remember."
"How about Macaulay, the greatest essayist in England, and Homer, the
prince of ancient poets, with seven birthplaces? Then there's Emerson
and Longfellow and Goethe and - "
He paused and grabbed the other man by the collar.
"My friend," he said, "you don't seem interested in the world's greatest
authors. May I inquire what your occupation in life is?"
The other man nodded gravely, even austerely.
"Certainly, sir," he replied. "I'm a holiday salesman in Buncum's
Department Store Book Shop."
ONE ON HIM
The code of manners enjoyed by the Germans needs scarcely any further
illumination, but the following incident may serve as further light upon
this threadbare subject.
A physician boarded a crowded crosstown car. A woman was standing, and a
big German seated, sprawling over twice the space necessary. Indignantly
the doctor said to him:
"See here! Why don't you move a little so that this tired woman may have
a seat?"
For a moment the German looked dazed. Then a broad smile spread over his
countenance as he answered:
"Say, dot's a joke on you, all right! Dot's my vife!"
REVEALED
In view of the spirit of comradeship shown between officers and men,
this story is at least open to question, but it may have happened in
some former war.
The lieutenant was instructing the squad in visional training.
"Tell me, Number One," he said, "how many men are there in that
trench-digging party over there?"
"Thirty men and one officer," was the prompt reply.
"Quite right," observed the lieutenant, after a pause. "But how do you
know one is an officer at this distance?"
"'Cos he's the only one not working, sir."
DIAGNOSING HIMSELF
The officer of the day, during his tour of duty, paused to question a
sentry who was a new recruit.
"If you should see an armed party approaching, what would you do?" asked
the officer.
"Turn out the guard, sir."
"Very well. Suppose you saw a battleship coming across the
parade-ground, what would you do?"
"Report to the hospital for examination, sir," was the prompt reply.
IN OUR MELTING POT
During a political campaign in New York a Tammany leader on the East
Side, a self-made man and one not entirely completed yet in some
respects, was addressing a mass meeting of Italian-born voters on
behalf of the Democratic ticket.
"Gintlemen and fellow citizens," he began, "I deem it an honor to be
permitted to address you upon the issues of the day. I have always had a
deep admiration for your native land. I vinerate the mimory of that
great, that noble Eyetalian who was the original and first discoverer of
this here land of ours.
"Why, gintlemen, at me mother's knee I was taught to sing that inspirin'
song: 'Columbus, the Jim of the Ocean'!"
Whereupon there was loud applause.
GIVE HIM TIME
Mr. Johnsing had an enthusiastic admirer in Little Eph Jones.
"Yes, suh," he concluded one of his eulogies, "Mistuh Johnsing is the
biggest man what evuh was."
"Bigger than General Grant?" queried the white man to whom he was
talking.
"Suttinly Mistuh Johnsing is a bigguh man than General Grant," affirmed
Eph.
"Bigger than President Wilson?"
"Of co'se he's bigguh than President Wilson."
"Bigger than God?"
"Well - well - " stammered Eph. "You see, Mistuh Johnsing's young yet."
A BAY STATE SOLOMON
Unfortunately we've mislaid the judge's name, but his court room is in
New Bedford, Mass. Before him appeared a defendant who, hoping for
leniency, pleaded, "Judge, I'm down and out."
Whereupon said the wise judge: "You're down but you're not out. Six
months."
IN MEMORIAM
Availing herself of her ecclesiastical privileges, the clergyman's wife
asked questions which, coming from anybody else, would have been thought
impertinent.
"I presume you carry a memento of some kind in that locket you wear?"
she said.
"Yes, ma'am," said the parishioner. "It is a lock of my husband's hair."
"But your husband is still alive!" the lady exclaimed.
"Yes, ma'am, but his hair is gone."
A DISADVANTAGE
The Germans will be immensely hated after this war. They will be the
pariahs of the future.
Already we see signs of German hatred everywhere. At a reception the
other night in a neutral city, the guest of honor said to a man who had
just been presented to her:
"You are a foreigner, are you not? Where do you come from?"
"From Berlin, ma'am," he answered.
The lady stared at him through her lorgnette.
"Dear me!" she said. "Couldn't you go back and come from somewhere
else?"
THE LIFE
They were two sweet young American girls, able, beautiful, versatile,
patriotic to the core, rushed to death. And one of them said
breathlessly:
"What have you been doing?"
And the other one as breathlessly replied:
"Doing! My dear, I hate to tell you. I got up at six. I drove a car
forty miles to camp. I knitted a sweater and a pair of socks in between.
I went to a Red Cross meeting. I acted as bridesmaid. I read a book on
the war. I took a last lesson in first aid. I canned eighty cans of
vegetables and, oh - !"
"Do tell me!"
"Why, will you believe me, I have been so busy all day that I almost
forgot to get married!"
WELCOMING THE ACTOR
A well-known society performer volunteered to entertain a roomful of
patients of the Colney Hatch Lunatic Asylum, and made up a very
successful little monologue show, entirely humorous. The audience in the
main gave symptoms of being slightly bored, but one highly intelligent
maniac saw the whole thing in the proper light, and, clapping the
talented actor on the shoulder, said: "Glad you've come, old fellow. You
and I will get along fine. The other dippies here are so dashed
dignified. What I say is if a man is mad, he needn't put on airs about
it."
COULDN'T BE BOTHERED
Mose approached the registration booth hesitatingly, and being accosted
by the official in charge, assured that dignitary that he had just
walked ten miles to register.
"Well, Mose, what branch of the service would you like to be placed
in?" inquired the official.
"How about the cavalry?"
"What will Ah have ter do in de calvary?"
"Oh, you won't have to do anything but ride a horse all the time."
Mose scratched his woolly noggin in perplexity for a few moments, and
finally said: "Nawssur, Ah don't believe Ah wants ter jine the calvary."
"What's the matter with the cavalry, Mose?"
"Well, yer see, boss, hit's jest like dis: When y'awl blow dem bugles
ter retreet, Ah don't want ter be troubled wid no hoss."
THEIR "BIT"
Jimmie, very proud of his first job and weekly salary of $6.83,
purchased a Liberty Bond on the installment plan. That evening he saw in
the newspaper that John D. Rockefeller had invested in Liberty Bonds to
the extent of $10,000,000.
Turning to his mother, Jimmie said proudly, "Well, ma, two of us
Americans have done our duty, anyhow."
MISTAKES WILL HAPPEN
A woman doctor of Philadelphia was calling on a young sister, recently
married, who was in distress. In response to the doctor's inquiry the
newly-wed said:
"I cooked a meal for the first time yesterday, and I made an awful mess
of it."
"Never mind, dearie," said the doctor, cheerfully; "it's nothing to
worry about. I lost my first patient."
DANGER SIGNALS
An ingenious American has invented a device to prevent such motoring
accidents as arise from over-speeding. He describes his contrivance as
follows:
"While the car is running fifteen miles an hour a white bulb shows on
the radiator, at twenty-five miles a green bulb appears, at forty a red
bulb, and, when the driver begins to bat 'em out around sixty per, a
music-box under the seat begins to play 'Nearer, My God, to Thee.'"
VULNERABLE
A visiting minister, preaching in a town famous for its horse races,
vigorously denounced the sport. The principal patron of the church
always attended the races, and of this the clergyman was later informed.
"I am afraid I touched one of your weaknesses," said the pastor, not
wishing to offend the wealthy one, "but it was quite unintentional, I
assure you."
"Oh, don't mind that," said the sportsman genially. "It's a mighty poor
sermon that don't hit me somewhere."
MISLEADING
Johnson, a bachelor, had been to call on his sister, and was shown the
new baby. The next day some friends asked him to describe the new
arrival. The bachelor replied: "Um - very small features, clean shaven,
red faced, and a very hard drinker!"
A SOFT ANSWER
The ocean liner was rolling like a chip, but as usual in such instances
one passenger was aggressively, disgustingly healthy.
"Sick, eh?" he remarked to a pale-green person who was leaning on the
rail.
The pale-green person regarded the healthy one with all the scorn he
could muster. "Sick nothing!" he snorted weakly. "I'm just hanging over
the front of the boat to see how the captain cranks it!"
BALLS
A young married couple who lived near a famous golf-course were
entertaining an elderly aunt from the depths of the country.
"Well, Aunt Mary, how did you spend this afternoon?" asked the hostess
on the first day.
"Oh, I enjoyed myself very much," replied Auntie with a beaming smile,
"I went for a walk across the fields. There seemed to be a great many
people about, and some of them shouted to me in a most eccentric manner,
but I just took no notice. And, by the way," she went on, "I found such
a number of curious little round white things. I brought them home to
ask you what they are."
JOE'S DIAGNOSIS
A colored man entered the general store of a small Ohio town and
complained to the storekeeper that a ham that he had purchased there a
few days before had proved not to be good.
"The ham is all right, Joe," insisted the storekeeper.
"No, it ain't, boss," insisted the other. "Dat ham's sure bad."
"How can that be," continued the storekeeper, "when it was cured only
last week?"
Joe reflected solemnly a moment, and then suggested:
"Maybe it's done had a relapse."
PURELY LITERARY
A celebrated author thus sketched out his daily programme to an
interviewer: Rise at 11; breakfast at 12; attention to mail; a few
afternoon calls; a ride in the park; dinner; the theatre, and then to
bed.
"But when do you do your literary work?" he was asked.
"Why, the next day, of course," was the reply.
TOO FORWARD
At a parade of a company of newly-called-up men the drill instructor's
face turned scarlet with rage as he slated a new recruit for his
awkwardness.
"Now, Rafferty," he roared, "you'll spoil the line with those feet. Draw
them back at once, man, and get them in line."
Rafferty's dignity was hurt.
"Plaze, sargint," he said, "they're not mine; they're Micky Doolan's in
the rear rank!"
OBEYING ORDERS
The manager of a big Australian sheep-ranch engaged a discharged sailor
to do farm work. He was put in charge of a large flock of sheep.
"Now, all you've got to do," explained the manager, "is to keep them on
the run."
A run is a large stretch of bushland enclosed by a fence, and sheep have
many ingenious methods of escaping from their own to neighboring runs
and so getting mixed up with other flocks.
At the end of a couple of hours the manager rode up again - the air was
thick with dust as though a thousand head of cattle had passed by.
At last he distinguished the form of his new shepherd - a collapsed heap
prone upon the ground. Surrounding him were the sheep, a pitiful,
huddled mass, bleating plaintively, with considerably more than a week's
condition lost.
"What the dickens have you been doing to those sheep?" shrieked the
almost frantic manager.
The ex-sailor managed to gasp out: "Well, sir, I've done my best. You
told me to keep them on the run, and so I hunted them up and down and
round - and now - I'm just dead beat myself."
TABLE OF COMPARISON
To instill into the mind of his son sound wisdom and business precepts
was Cohen senior's earnest endeavor. He taught his offspring much,
including the advantages of bankruptcy, failures, and fires. "Two
bankruptcies equal one failure, two failures equal one fire," etc. Then
Cohen junior looked up brightly.
"Fadder," he asked, "is marriage a failure?"
"Vell, my poy," was the parent's reply, "if you marry a really wealthy
woman, marriage is almost as good as a failure."
KNEW HIS JOB
It was Easter eve on leap year, and the dear young thing, who had been
receiving long but somewhat unsatisfactory visits from the very shy
young man, decided she might take a chance. Robert had brought her a
splendid Easter lily.
"I'll give you a kiss for that lily," she promised blushingly.
The exchange was duly, not to say happily, made. Robert started
hurriedly toward the door.
"Why, where are you going?" asked his girl in surprise.
"To the florist's for more Easter lilies!" he replied.
AN ANGLOMANIAC
"What are you studying now?" asked Mrs. Johnson.
"We have taken up the subject of molecules," answered her son.
"I hope you will be very attentive and practise constantly," said the
mother. "I tried to get your father to wear one, but he could not keep
it in his eye."
YANKEE FODDER
Senator Hoar used to tell with glee of a Southerner just home from New
England who said to his friend, "You know those little white round
beans?"
"Yes," replied the friend; "the kind we feed to our horses?"
"The very same. Well, do you know, sir, that in Boston the enlightened
citizens take those little white round beans, boil them for three or
four hours, mix them with molasses and I know not what other
ingredients, bake them, and then - what do you suppose they do with the
beans?"
"They - "
"They eat 'em, sir," interrupted the first Southerner impressively;
"bless me, sir, they eat 'em!"
ONE EXPLANATION
At the meeting of the Afro-American Debating Club the question of
capital punishment for murder occupied the attention of the orators for
the evening. One speaker had a great deal to say about the sanity of
persons who thus took the law into their own hands. The last speaker,
however, after a stirring harangue, concluded with great feeling: "Ah
disagrees wif capital punishment an' all dis heah talk 'bout sanity. Any
pusson 'at c'mits murdeh ain't in a sanitary condition."
REMORSE
"I got son in army," said a wrinkled old chief to United States Senator
Clapp during his recent visit to an Indian reservation in Minnesota.
"Fine," exclaimed the Senator. "You should be proud that he is fighting
for all of us."
"Who we fight?" the redskin continued.
"Why," the Senator replied, surprised. "We are fighting the Kaiser - you
know, the Germans."
"Hah," mourned the chief. "Too dam bad."
"Why bad?" protested Senator Clapp, getting primed for a lecture on
Teutonic kultur and its horrors.
"Too dam bad," repeated the old Indian. "Couple come through reservation
last week. I could killed um, easy as not. Too dam bad."
He wrapped his face in his blanket and refused to be comforted.
THE REAL CULPRIT
The Crown Prince had been so busy that he hadn't had time to get
together with his father and have a confidential chat. But one evening
when there was a lull in the 808-centimeter guns, they managed to get a
few moments off. The Crown Prince turned to his father and said:
"Dad, there is something I have been wanting to ask you for a long time.
Is Uncle George really responsible for this scrap?"
"No, my son."
"Well, did Cousin Nick have anything to do with it?"
"Not at all"
"Possibly you did?"
"No, sir."
"Then would you mind telling me who it was?"
The anointed one was silent for a moment. Then he turned to his son and
said:
"I'll tell you how it happened. About two or three years ago there was a
wild man came over here from the United States, one of those rip-roaring
rough riders that you read about in dime novels, but he certainly did
have about him a plausible air. I took him out and showed him our fleet.
Then I showed him the army, and after he had looked them over he said to
me, 'Bill, you could lick the world,' And I was damn fool enough to
believe him."
A MATTER OF NOMENCLATURE
A Negro was recently brought into police court in a little town in
Georgia, charged with assault and battery. The Negro, who was well known
to the judge, was charged with having struck another "unbleached
American" with a brick. After the usual preliminaries the judge
inquired:
"Why did you hit this man?"
"Jedge, he called me a damn black rascal."
"Well, you are one, aren't you?"
"Yessah, I _is_ one. But, Jedge, s'pose somebody'd call you a damn black
rascal, wouldn't you hit 'em?"
"But I'm not one, am I?"
"Naw, sah, naw, sah, you ain't one; but s'pose somebody'd call you de
kind o' rascal you _is_, what'd you do?"
"IT IS FORBIDDEN"
Early in the war J.B. adopted a French soldier and furnishes him with a
monthly allowance of tobacco. Incidentally, he is also lubricating his
rusty French by carrying on a correspondence with his "_filleul de
guerre_" who writes him from the trenches, "somewhere in France."
In a recent letter, the soldier informed his American benefactor that
"_hier j'ai tué deux Boches. Ils sont allés à l'enfer._" (Yesterday I
killed two Boches. They went straight to hell.) The censor wrote between
the lines, "_Il est defendu de dire où est l'ennemi._" (It is forbidden
to tell where the enemy is!)
HER PRAYER
A visitor to a Glasgow working woman whose son was at the front was
treated to a fluent harangue on the misdeeds of that "auld blackguard,"
the Kaiser. She ventured to suggest that we should love our enemies and
pray for them.
"Oh, but I pray for him, too."
"What do you say?"
"I say, 'Oh, Lord, deal wi' yon old blackguard, saften his heart, and
damp his powther.'"
CAUTIOUS MOURNER
Walking through the village street one day, the widowed Lady Bountiful
met old Farmer Stubbs on his way to market. Her greeting went unnoticed.
"Stubbs," said she, indignantly, "you might at least raise your hat to
me!"
"I beg your pardon, m'lady," was the reply, "but my poor wife ain't dead
moren' two weeks, and I ain't started lookin' at the wimmen yet!"
UNPREPARED BASE THREATENED
Tommy Tonkins was keen on baseball and particularly ambitious to make
his mark as a catcher. Any hint, however small, was welcomed if it
helped on his advance in his department of the game. When he began to
have trouble with his hands, and somebody suggested soaking them in salt
water to harden the skin, he quickly followed the advice.
Alas! a few days later Tommy had a misfortune. A long hit at the bottom
of the garden sent the ball crashing through a neighbor's sitting-room
window. It was the third Tommy had broken since the season began.
Mrs. Tonkins nearly wept in anger when Tommy broke the news.
"Yer father'll skin yer when 'e comes 'ome to-night," she said.
Poor Tommy, trembling, went outside to reflect. His thoughts traveled to
the strap hanging in the kitchen, and he eyed his hands ruefully.
"Ah!" he muttered, with a sigh. "I made a big mistake. I ought to 'ave
sat in that salt and water!"
INCONSIDERATE
A more kind-hearted and ingenuous soul never lived than Aunt Betsey, but
she was a poor housekeeper. On one occasion a neighbor who had run in
for a "back-door" call was horrified to see a mouse run across Aunt
Betsey's kitchen floor.
"Why on earth don't you set a trap, Betsey?" she asked.
"Well," replied Aunt Betsey. "I did have a trap set. But land, it was
such a fuss! Those mice kept getting into it!"
ANOTHER ENGAGEMENT
An Italian, having applied for citizenship, was being examined in the
naturalization court.
"Who is the President of the United States?"
"Mr. Wils'."
"Who is the Vice-President?"
"Mr. Marsh'."
"Could you be President?"
"No."
"Why?"
"Mister, you 'scuse, please. I vera busy worka da mine."
A HARD KNOCK
During the cross-examination of a young physician in a lawsuit, the
plaintiff's lawyer made disagreeable remarks about the witness's youth
and inexperience.
"You claim to be acquainted with the various symptoms attending
concussion of the brain?" asked the lawyer.
"I do."
"We will take a concrete case," continued the lawyer. "If my learned
friend, counsel for the defence, and myself were to bang our heads
together, would he get concussion of the brain?"
The young physician smiled. "The probabilities are," he replied, "that
the counsel for the defence would."
DURABLE
The admiration which Bob felt for his Aunt Margaret included all her
attributes.
"I don't care much for plain teeth like mine, Aunt Margaret," said Bob,
one day, after a long silence, during which he had watched her in
laughing conversation with his mother. "I wish I had some copper-toed
ones like yours."
ACCURACY
An American editor had a notice stuck up above his desk that read:
"Accuracy! Accuracy! Accuracy!" and this notice he always pointed out to
the new reporters.
One day the youngest member of the staff came in with his report of a
public meeting. The editor read it through, and came to the sentence:
"Three thousand nine hundred and ninety-nine eyes were fixed upon the
speaker."
"What do you mean by making a silly blunder like that?" he demanded,
wrathfully.
"But it's not a blunder," protested the youngster. "There was a one-eyed
man in the audience!"
HAD HIS RIGHTS
"Why did you strike this man?" asked the Judge sternly.
"He called me a liar, your honor," replied the accused.
"Is that true?" asked the Judge, turning to the man with the mussed-up
face.
"Sure, it's true," said the accused, "I called him a liar because he is
one, and I can prove it."
"What have you got to say to that?" asked the Judge of the defendant.
"It's got nothing to do with the case, your honor," was the unexpected
reply. "Even if I am a liar I guess I've got a right to be sensitive
about it, ain't I?"
A READY-WITTED PARSON
The evening lesson was from the Book of Job, and the minister had just
read, "Yea, the light of the wicked shall be put out," when immediately
the church was in total darkness.
"Brethren," said the minister, with scarcely a moment's pause, "in view
of the sudden and startling fulfilment of this prophecy, we will spend a
few minutes in silent prayer for the electric lighting company."
A STOCK SUFFRAGE ARGUMENT
A member of Congress and his wife had been to Baltimore one afternoon.
When they left the train at Washington, on their return, the wife
discovered that her umbrella, which had been entrusted to the care of
her husband, was missing.
"Where's my umbrella?" she demanded.
"I fear I have forgotten it, my dear," meekly answered the statesman.
"It must still be in the train."
"In the train!" snorted the lady. "And to think that the affairs of the
nation are entrusted to a man who doesn't know enough to take care of a
woman's umbrella!"
A DEEP ONE
Johnny stood beside his mother as she made her selection from the
huckster's wagon, and the farmer told the boy to take a handful of
cherries, but the child shook his head.
"What's the matter? Don't you like them?" asked the huckster.
"Yes," replied Johnny.
"Then go ahead an' take some."
Johnny hesitated, whereupon the farmer put a generous handful in the
boy's cap. After the farmer had driven on, the mother asked:
"Why didn't you take the cherries when he told you to?"
"'Cause his hand was bigger'n mine."
PROVING IT
A woman owning a house in Philadelphia before which a gang of workmen
were engaged in making street repairs was much interested in the work.
"And which is the foreman?" she asked of a big, burly Celt.
A proud smile came to the countenance of that individual as he replied:
"Oi am, mum."
"Really?" continued the lady.
"Oi kin prove it, mum," rejoined the Irishman. Then, turning to a
laborer at hand, he added, "Kelly, ye're fired!"
PRAYER OF THE UNRIGHTEOUS
We had a new experience the other day (relates a writer in the _Atlantic
Monthly_) when we picked up two boatloads of survivors from the - - ,
torpedoed without warning. I will say they were pretty glad to see us
when we bore down on them. As we neared they began to paddle
frantically, as though fearful we should be snatched away from them at
the last moment. The crew were mostly Arabs and Lascars, and the first
mate, a typical comic magazine Irishman, delivered himself of the
following: "Sure, toward the last some o' thim haythen gits down on
their knees and starts calling on Allah: but I sez, sez I, 'Git up afore
I swat ye wid the ax handle, ye benighted haythen; sure if this boat
gits saved 't will be the Holy Virgin does it or none at all, at all!
Git up,'sez I."
MUCH SIMPLER
For an hour the teacher had dealt with painful iteration on the part
played by carbohydrates, proteids, and fats, respectively, in the
upkeep of the human body. At the end of the lesson the usual test
questions were put, among them: "Can any girl tell me the three foods
required to keep the body in health?" There was silence till one maiden
held up her hand and replied: "Yer breakfast, yer dinner, and yer
supper."
SILENT CONTEMPT
A certain man whose previous record was of the best was charged with a
minor offense. Law and evidence were unquestionably on the side of the
defense, but when the arguments had been concluded a verdict of "guilty"
was given and a fine imposed.
The lawyer for the defense was sitting with his back toward the
magistrate. Without changing his position or rising to address the
court, he remarked:
"Judge, please fine me for contempt of court."
The magistrate inquired:
"What d'ye mean, sir? You haven't committed contempt."
"I have," came from the old lawyer. "It's silent."
WHAT DID SOLOMON SAY?
London children certainly get some quaint views of life. An instance of
this recently occurred in an East End Sunday-school, where the teacher
was talking to her class about Solomon and his wisdom.
"When the Queen of Sheba came and laid jewels and fine raiment before
Solomon, what did he say?" she asked presently.
One small girl, who had evidently had experience in such matters,
promptly replied:
"'Ow much d'yer want for the lot?"
HIS ULTIMATUM
Quite recently a warship of the Atlantic Fleet found it necessary to
call for a few hours at a military port on the coast of Ireland. Tommy
Atkins, meeting a full-bearded Irish tar in the street a couple of hours
later, said:
"Pat, when are you going to place your whiskers on the reserve list?"
"When you place your tongue on the civil list," was the Irish sailor's
reply.
A GIFTED YOUTH
Although Alfred had arrived at the age of 21 years he showed no
inclinaton either to pursue his studies or in any way adapt himself to
his father's business.
"I don't know what I will ever make of that son of mine," bitterly
complained his father, a hustling business man.
"Maybe he hasn't found himself yet," consoled the confidential friend.
"Isn't he gifted in any way?"
"Gifted?" queried the father. "Well, I should say he is! He ain't got a
thing that wasn't given to him."
IT HAPPENED IN ILLINOIS
The time was registration day; the place was a a small town in Southern
Illinois. There was no girl. He was a gentleman of color, and the
registrar was having considerable trouble explaining the whys and
wherefors of the registration. At last Rastus showed a faint glimmer of
intelligence.
"Dis heyah registrashum fo' de draf' am a whole lot like 'lection
votin', ain't it?" he asked uncertainly.
"Yes," answered the kindly registrar.
Rastus scratched his head in troubled doubt. He was thinking deeply.
Presently his brow cleared and a smile spread over his face. He had
come to a decision.
"Den I votes for Julius Jackson ter be drafted," he said. "I nebah did
hab no use fo' dat niggah."
GETTING EVEN
James, 4 years old, had been naughty to the point of evoking a whipping
from his long-suffering mother, and all day long a desire for revenge
rankled in his little bosom.
At length bedtime came, and, kneeling beside her, he implored a blessing
on each member of the family individually, his mother alone being
conspicuous by her absence. Then, rising from his devout posture, the
little suppliant fixed a keenly triumphant look upon her face, saying,
as he turned to climb into bed:
"I s'pose you noticed you wasn't in it."
ARCHIE'S NECK
Little Willie - in small boy stories the central figure is nearly always
named Little Willie - came running into the house, stuttering in his
excitement.
"Mommer," he panted, "do you know Archie Sloan's neck?"
"Do I know what?" asked his mother.
"Do you know Archie Sloan's neck?" repeated her offspring.
"I know Archie Sloan," answered the puzzled parent; "so I suppose I must
know his neck. Why?"
"Well," said Willie, "he just now fell into the back-water up to it."
THEIR ONE TOPIC
"The Kaiser and Hindenburg," said Edsell Ford, son of Henry Ford, "and
the crown prince and the other German big-wigs can never mention the war
without saying that it was forced upon them, that they are fighting in
defense of the fatherland, that their enemies are to blame for all the
bloodshed, and so forth.
"The way the Germans insist on this defense talk of theirs, in season
and out of season," he went on, "reminds me of the colored preacher who
always preached on infant baptism.
"A deputation waited on him one evening and asked him if he wouldn't
please drop infant baptism for a time. He said he'd try to meet the
deputation's wishes and the following Sunday he announced as his text,
'Adam, Where Art Thou?'
"This text, brethern and sistern,' said the preacher, 'can be divided
into fo' heads. Fust, every man is somewhar. Second, most men is whar
they hain't got no business to be. Third, you'd better watch out or
that's whar you'll be yourself. Fo'th, infant baptism. And now, brethern
and sistern, I guess we might as well pass up the first three heads and
come immediately to the fo'th - infant baptism.'"
PROBABLY RIGHT
Here is a story of the late Lord Haversham's schooldays. Glancing
through his pocket-book, his mother saw a number of entries of small
sums, ranging from 2s. 6d. to 5s., against which were the letters "P.G."
Thinking this must mean the Propagation of the Gospel, she asked her son
why he did not give a lump sum and a larger amount to so deserving a
cause.
"That is not for the Propagation of the Gospel," he replied. "When I
cannot remember exactly on what I spend the money I put 'P.G.,' which
means 'Probably grub.'"
UNRETURNED FAVORS
A Connecticut farmer was asked to assist at the funeral of his
neighbor's third wife and, as he had attended the funerals of the two
others, his wife was surprised when he declined the invitation. On being
pressed to give his reason he said, with some hesitation:
"You see, Mary, it makes a chap feel a bit awkward to be always
accepting other folks's civilities when he never has anything of the
same sort of his own to ask them back to."
THE PROPER SPIRIT
Here is a story our wounded boys have brought back from the front about
Sir Douglas Haig.
Sir Douglas was, some few weeks ago, in a great hurry to get to a
certain place. He found his car, but the chauffeur was missing. So Sir
Douglas got in the car and drove off by himself. Then the driver
appeared and saw the car disappearing in the distance.
"Great Scot!" cried the driver, "there's 'Aig a-driving my car!"
"Well, get even with him," said a Tommy, standing by, "and go and fight
one of 'is battles for him."
EXPERIENCED
A judge presiding over a court in Washington, D.C., was administering
the oath to a boy of tender years, and to him put the following
question:
"Have you ever taken the oath? Do you know how to swear, my boy?"
Whereupon the lad responded: "Yes, sir. I am your caddie at the Chevy
Chase Club."
PERPETUAL MOTION
Alderman Curran, of New York City, worked his way through Yale College.
During his course he was kept very busy by the various jobs he did to
help with his expenses. On graduation he went to New York, and was even
busier than he had been in New Haven.
After some months of life in New York, a friend met him and said,
"Henry, what are you doing?"
"I have three jobs," replied Mr. Curran, "I am studying law, I am a
newspaper reporter, and I am selling life insurance."
"How do you manage to get it all in?" said the friend.
"Oh," replied Mr Curran, "that's easy enough. They're only eight-hour
jobs."
PRIDE IN THE DAILY TASK
A quaint story is told to exemplify the pride that every man should take
in the work by which he makes a living.
Two street sweepers, seated on a curbstone, were discussing a comrade
who had died the day before.
"Bill certainly was a good sweeper," said one.
"Y-e-s," conceded the other thoughtfully. "But don't you think he was a
little weak around the lamp-posts?"
DIDN'T WANT TO ROB HIM
His face was pinched and drawn. With faltering footsteps he wended his
way among the bustling Christmas crowd.
"Kind sir," he suddenly exclaimed, "will you not give me a loaf of bread
for my wife and little ones?" The stranger regarded him not unkindly.
"Far be it from me," he rejoined, "to take advantage of your
destitution. Keep your wife and little ones; I do not want them."
HIS GENEROSITY
A "Tommy," lying in a hospital, had beside him a watch of curious and
foreign design. The attending doctor was interested.
"Where did your watch come from?" he asked.
"A German give it me," he answered.
A little piqued, the doctor inquired how the foe had come to convey this
token of esteem and affection.
"E 'ad to," was the laconic reply.
JOY OF EATING
A well-known banker in a downtown restaurant was eating mush and milk.
"What's the matter?" inquired a friend.
"Got dyspepsia."
"Don't you enjoy your meals?"
"Enjoy my meals?" snorted the indignant dyspeptic. "My meals are merely
guide-posts to take medicine before or after."
TRY THIS
The quick wit of a traveling salesman, who has since become a well-known
proprietor, was severely tested one day. He sent in his card by the
office-boy to the manager of a large concern, whose inner office was
separated from the waiting-room by a ground-glass partition. When the
boy handed his card to the manager the salesman saw him impatiently tear
it in half and throw it in the wastebasket; the boy came out and told
the caller that he could not see the chief. The salesman told the boy to
go back and get him his card; the boy brought out five cents, with the
message that his card was torn up. Then the salesman took out another
card and sent the boy back, saying: "Tell your boss I sell two cards for
five cents."
He got his interview and sold a large bill of goods.
BARGAIN-COUNTER GOLF
"Fore!" yelled the golfer, ready to play. But the woman on the course
paid no attention.
"Fore!" he shouted again with no effect.
"Ah," suggested his opponent in disgust, "try her once with 'three
ninety-eight'!"
UNEASY
It was in a churchyard. The morning sun shone brightly and the dew was
still on the grass.
"Ah, this is the weather that makes things spring up," remarked a
passer-by casually to an old gentleman seated on a bench.
"Hush!" replied the old gentleman. "I've got three wives buried here."
PERFECTLY NATURAL
They gave the old lady the only unoccupied room in the hotel - one with a
private bath adjoining. The next morning, when the guest was ready to
check out, the clerk asked:
"Did you have a good night's rest?"
"Well, no, I didn't," she replied. "The room was all right, and the bed
was pretty good; but I couldn't sleep very much, for I was afraid
someone would want to take a bath, and the only way to it was through my
room."
A DIPLOMAT
An Ohio man was having a lot of trouble piloting a one-tent show through
the Middle West. He lost a number of valuable animals by accident and
otherwise. Therefore, it was with a sympathetic mien that one of the
keepers undertook the task of breaking the news of another disaster. He
began thus:
"Mr. Smith, you remember that laughin' hyena in cage nine?"
"Remember the laughing hyena?" demanded the owner, angrily. "What the
deuce are you driving at?"
"Only this, Mr. Smith: he ain't got nothing to laugh at this morning."
THE DIFFERENCE
Two pals, both recently wedded, were comparing the merits of their
wives.
"Ah, yes," said George, who was still very much in love, "my little
woman is an angel! She couldn't tell a lie to save her life!"
"Lucky bounder!" said Samuel, sighing. "My wife can tell a lie the
minute I get it out of my mouth!"
WORSE!
The worried countenance of the bridegroom disturbed the best man.
Tiptoeing up the aisle, he whispered:
"What's the matter, Jock? Hae ye lost the ring?"
"No," blurted out the unhappy Jock, "the ring's safe eno'. But, mon,
I've lost ma enthusiasm."
THE TEUTON WAY
A story illustrative of the changes in methods of warfare comes from a
soldier in France who took a German officer prisoner. The soldier said
to the officer: "Give up your sword!" But the officer shook his head and
answered: "I have no sword to give up. But won't my vitriol spray, my
oil projector, or my gas cylinder do as well?"
APPRECIATION
It was just after a rainstorm and two men were walking down the street
behind a young woman who was holding her skirt rather high. After an
argument as to the merits of the case, one of the men stepped forward
and said: "Pardon, me, miss, but aren't you holding your skirt rather
high?"