EDITOR: Well, he was carrying out your ideas.
NO PLACE FOR HIM
On the western plains the sheepman goes out with several thousand head
and one human companion. The natural result is that the pair, forced on
one another when they least want it, form the habit of hating each
other.
An ex-sheepman while in a narrative mood one evening was telling a party
of friends of a fellow he once rode with. "Not a word had passed between
us for more than a week, and that night when we rolled up in our
blankets he suddenly asked:
"'Hear that cow beller?'
"'Sounds to me like a bull,' I replied.
"No answer, but the following morning I noticed him packing up.
"'Going to leave?' I questioned.
"'Yes,' he replied.
"'What for?'
"Too much argument,'"
IN THE OLD DAYS
Lord Northcliffe at a Washington luncheon was talking about the British
Premier.
"Mr. Lloyd George is the idol of the nation," he said. "It is hard to
believe how unpopular he was, at least among the Unionists, once. Among
the many stories circulated about Mr. Lloyd George's unpopularity at
that time there was one which concerned a rescue from drowning. The
heroic rescuer, when a gold medal was presented to him for his brave
deed, modestly declared:
"'I don't deserve this medal. I did nothing but my duty. I saw our
friend here struggling in the water. I knew he must drown unless someone
saved him. So I plunged in, swam out to him, turned him over to make
sure it wasn't Lloyd George, and then lugged him to safety on my back.'"
TAKING NO CHANCES
A big darky was being registered.
"Ah can't go to wah," he answered in _re_ exemption, "foh they ain't
nobody to look afteh ma wife."
A dapper little undersized colored brother stepped briskly up and
inquired, "What kind of a lookin' lady _is_ yoh wife?"
TOO PERSONAL
Upon the recent death of an American politician, who at one time served
his country in a very high legislative place, a number of newspaper men
were collaborating on an obituary notice.
"What shall we say of the former senator?" asked one of the men.
"Oh, just put down that he was always faithful to his trust."
"And," queried a cynical member of the group, "shall we mention the name
of the trust?"
AN ACROBAT IN THE SQUAD
Sergeant (_drilling awkward squad_): "Company! Attention, company! Lift
up your left leg and hold it straight out in front of you!"
One of the squad held up his right leg by mistake. This brought his
right-hand companion's left leg and his own right leg close together.
The officer, seeing this, exclaimed angrily:
"And who is that blooming galoot over there holding up both legs?"
HIS SYSTEM WAS A COMPLETE ONE
We know that the achievements of American business experts are often
beyond belief. Whether the following story is true, or is merely a
satire, must be left to the judgment of the acute reader:
"May I have a few moments' private conversation?"
The faultlessly dressed gentleman addressed the portly business man,
standing upon the threshold of his office.
"This is a business proposition, sir," he said, rapidly closing the door
and sinking into a seat beside the desk. "I am not a book agent, nor
have I any article to sell. I have come to see you about your wife."
"My wife!"
"Yes, sir. Glancing over the society column of your local paper, I am
informed that she is about to take her annual autumn trip to Virginia.
You will, or course, have to remain behind to take care of your vast
business interests. Your wife, sir, is a charming and attractive woman,
still in the bloom of youth. Have you, sir, considered the
possibilities?"
The other man started to get up, his face red with rage.
"You - " he began.
"One moment, sir, and I think I can satisfy your mind that my motives
are pure as alabaster. This is an age of machinery, of science and
invention, and, above all, of efficiency. I am simply carrying this idea
of efficiency into the domestic life, which, as you are doubtless aware,
is so much more important than the physical. One moment, sir. I can
furnish you with the highest credentials. This is purely professional, I
can assure you. Will give bond if you so desire. My proposition is this:
I will accompany your wife on her trip, always, when travelling, at a
respectful distance, you understand, and it will be my pleasure as well
as business to amuse and interest her during her stay. I do
everything - play tennis, bridge, dance all the latest steps, know the
latest jokes, can sing, converse on any subject or remain silent, am a
life-saver, can run an auto, flirt discreetly, and, in fact, am the most
delightful companion for a wife that you can imagine. Remember, sir,
that unless you engage my services your wife is at the mercy of all the
strangers she may meet and being in that peculiar condition of mind
where she is bound to be attracted by things that would otherwise seem
commonplace, there is no telling what the end might be. But with me she
is perfectly safe. I guarantee results. I insure your heart's happiness
against the future. Terms reasonable. I can refer you to - "
In reply the enforced host rose up, and, taking him not too gently by
the arm, led him to the door.
"My friend," he said, coldly, "your proposition of safety first doesn't
interest me. No, sir! I'm sending my wife to Virginia in hopes that she
will actually fall in love with somebody else, so I won't have to endure
what little I see of her any more, and here you come in to spoil my
future. No, sir!"
His visitor turned and faced him with a bright smile.
"My dear sir," he said, "wait. Business man that you are, you do not
understand the extent of our resources, which cover every emergency. In
accordance with our usual custom, I have already met your wife at a
bridge party, and I might say that she is crazy about me. Now, sir, for
double the price of my regular fee and a small annual stipend, which is
about half the alimony you might have to pay, I will agree to marry and
take her off your hands in six months, making you happy for the rest of
your life. Sign here, please. Thank you."
FACING THE TRUTH
Sanderson was on a visit to Simpkins, and in due course, naturally, he
was shown the family album.
"Yes," said Simpkins, as he turned the leaves, "that's my wife's second
cousin's aunt Susan. And that's Cousin James, and that's a friend of
ours, and that - oh, now, who do you think that is?"
"Don't know," said Sanderson.
"Well, that's my wife's first husband, my boy."
"Great Scot! What a perfect brainless-looking idiot. But excuse me, old
fellow, I didn't know your wife was a widow when you married her."
"She wasn't," said Simpkins stiffly. "That, sir, is a portrait of myself
at the age of twenty."
HE GOT RESULTS, ANYWAY
American troops who during the early days of the European War were
landed in France received a more careful and prolonged training than
could possibly be given the most of the regiments hurriedly raised
during the Civil War. The story goes that a raw battalion of rough
backwoodsmen, who had "volunteered," once joined General Grant. He
admired their fine physique, but distrusted the capacity of their
uncouth commander to handle troops promptly and efficiently in the
field, so he said:
"Colonel, I want to see your men at work; call them to attention, and
order them to march with shouldered arms in close column to the left
flank."
Without a moment's hesitation the colonel yelled to his fellow-ruffians:
"Boys, look wild thar! Make ready to thicken and go left endways! Tote
yer guns! Git!"
The manoeuvre proved a brilliant success and the self-elected colonel
was forthwith officially commissioned.
THE TWO TREATMENTS
President Wilson an ardent advocate of every kind of social reform, is
fond of telling a story about an old teamster.
This old fellow said to the treasurer of the concern one day:
"Me and that off horse has been workin' for the company seventeen years,
sir."
"Just so, Winterbottom, just so," said the treasurer, and he cleared his
throat and added: "Both treated well, I hope?"
The old teamster looked dubious.
"Wall," he said, "we wus both tooken down sick last month, and they got
a doctor for the hoss, while they docked my pay."
COMPREHENSIVE
There is nothing like taking precautions.
In the following colloquy Mr, Casey, so far as we can judge, neglected
nothing. Mrs. Casey said to him:
"Me sister writes me that every bottle in that box we sent her was
broken. Are ye sure yez printed 'This side up with care' on it?"
"Oi am," said Casey emphatically. "An' for fear they shouldn't see it on
the top Oi printed it on the bottom as well."
BITING REPROOF
During a dust-storm at one of the army camps, a recruit sought shelter
in the cook's tent.
"If you put the lid on that camp kettle you would not get so much dust
in your soup."
"See here, my lad, your business is to serve your country."
"Yes," replied the recruit, "but not to eat it."
DISCRIMINATIVE
On a road in Belgium a German officer met a boy leading a jackass and
addressed him in heavy jovial fashion as follows:
"That's a fine jackass you have, my son. What do you call it? Albert, I
bet!"
"Oh, no, officer," the boy replied quickly. "I think too highly of my
King."
The German scowled and returned:
"I hope you don't dare to call it William."
"Oh, no, officer. I think too highly of my jackass."
NOTHING TO LOSE
An author has favored us with the following anecdote, which is taken
from the opening of a chapter in a forthcoming book dealing with the
war. It is another example of the pioneer character of ministerial
service with us. The varieties of opportunity are constantly changing,
but out in the front, according to the needs of our day and generation,
there stands the Unitarian with the equipped mind and the ready hand. "A
year ago, in London, a man originally from New York State came up and
spoke to me as a fellow-American. He wore the garb of a Canadian
officer. After I had answered his query as to what I was doing in
England, he said: 'My work is rather different. I am looking after the
social evil and venereal diseases in the Canadian Army.' 'Then you are a
medical man?' 'No, said he, 'I tried to get my English medical friends
to take hold of the work, but they said that they had their reputations
to look after. I have no reputation to lose. _I am simply a Unitarian
clergyman._'"
BAIT
When Mike Flaherty abandoned South Boston for Lynn and hired a cottage
with a bit of a back yard the first thing he did was to hurry back to
the Hub of the Universe and purchase a monkey. "Divil a wurrd" of his
scheme would he disclose to his old cronies in Boston. But afterward he
let out:
"'Twas like this: I chained the monk to a shtick in me yard, and the
coal thrains do be passin' all day foreninst, and on iv'ry cairr do be a
brakeman. In one waik, begorra, I had two tons of coal in me cellar, and
the monk never wanst hit."
BASEBALL "OVER THERE"
In a camp "Over There" the Turkish prisoners are allowed some freedom
and among other things our American boys introduced them to the game of
baseball. The Turks did remarkably well at it. One of them stepped up to
the bat one day, and taking it firmly in his hand turned to the east and
salaaming said in a reverent voice "Allah, assist thy servant." He then
made a three bagger.
The next player to the bat was an American boy who was not going to let
that Turk beat him. He also stepped up to the bat, clasped it firmly in
his hand, salaaming to the east said, "You know me, Al,' keeping up with
the Turk."
INDEX OF TITLES
Accounting for It 23
Accuracy 101
Acrobat in the Squad, An 243
Advice to Mabel 141
Alas! Too Late! 35
Allegro 119
All or Nothing 159
Always Get the Facts 4
Always Safety First 216
Anglomaniac, An 93
And He Succeeded 173
Another Engagement 100
Anticipating the Pleasure 184
Appraised 71
Appreciation 119
Apprehending the Kaiser 168
Archie's Neck 109
Arrival of Wilhelm, The 31
Automatic "Efficiency" 149
Bait 251
Balls 89
Bargain-counter Golf 116
Baseball "Over There" 251
Bay State Solomon, A 83
Beginning Early 222
Benefactor of Mankind, A 228
Best of Reasons 235
Better Way, The 147
Beyond Him 200
Beyond the Sense of Humor 224
Big Chances Both Ways 206
Biting Reproof 249
Blissful Ignorance 137
Boiled 144
Bootblack's Generosity, The 162
Business Is Business 161, 212
Cæsar Visits Cicero 30
Camouflage 191
Can This Be True? 4
Cash! 50
Cautious Mourner 98
Change for the Better 206
Charity 140
Clincher, A 26
Coaxer, A 149
Comparison 58
Compliments of the Day 46
Comprehensive 249
Comrades! 57
Conclusive 130
Connoisseur, A 28
Considering Father 207
Couldn't Be Bothered 85
Crown Prince Called Down 220
Curiosity 156
Dad Was Wise 205
Danger Signals 87
Deep-laid Plan, A 136
Deep One, A 104
Delayed 198
Delightful Experience, A 201
Depended on the Mule 219
Deserved the Legacy 75
Diagnosed 187
Diagnosing Himself 81
Didn't Suit Him 49
Didn't Want to Rob Him 114
Difference, The 118
Difficult Passage, A 123
Dignities of Office, The 143
Diplomat, A 117
Disadvantage, A 84
Discerning 223
Discriminative 249
Doing His Duty, But 183
Doing Unto His Neighbor 124
Dual Reputation, A 215
Durable 101
Easy Adjustment, An 70
Easy Matter, An 72
Ecclesiastical Dues Enforced 69
Eclipse, The, to Order 27
Effective! 122
Elimination 166
Endurance 180
Enough! 174
Envy? 38
Equatorial Michigan 236
Evidence 126
Experienced 113
Expert, An 227
Facing the Truth 246
Fact Was, The 237
Fair Warning 175
Fame 144
Figuratively Speaking 134
Flattering Explanation, A 49
Following Instructions 240
Forced Into It 145
French Politeness 231
Frugal to the End 239
Full Particulars Free 19
Full Spead Ahead 177
Futile Experiment, A 39
Future Statesman, A 127
Gastronomical 151
Gentle Dissolution, A 39
German Arithmetic 122
Get-rich-quick Scheme, A 48
Getting Even 109, 187
Gifted Youth, A 107
Give Him Time 82
Give Us the Chance 201
Grateful to the Doctor 138
Great Relief in Heaven 7
Guide! 167
Guilty 38
Guilty Conscience, A 153
Had Had Treatment 29
Had His Rights 102
Had Heard Him Before 54
Had to Be Settled 21
Happy Ending Wanted 192
Hard Knock, A 100
Hard Up for Wind 157
Heaven Sent 47
He Couldn't Have Missed It 37
He Got It Twice 142
He Got Results Anyway 247
He Knew Bryan 158
He Knew the Law 10
He Might be, but She Wasn't 138
He Obeyed 175
Her Domestic Instincts 55
Her Own 64
Her Prayer 98
He Scorned the Thought 171
He Understood 195
He Was Broad Minded 6
He Was Not a Prohibitionist 170
High Finance 15
His Application 25
His by Right 234
His Complaint 184
His Favorite Beast 214
His Generosity 114
His Great Ambition 167
His Lack 23
His Need 159
His Search for the Practical 157
His System Was a Complete One 243
Historical 63
His Ultimatum 107
Hoodooed 145
Horse Psychologist, A 148
How Could He Know? 131
How He Got Them 29
How Mary Lost a Tip 199
How to Tell a Well-bred Dog 128
How War Began 180
Humbled 221
Ian Hay's Fate 191
Immortal! 33
Impersonal 172
Improvement! 76
In Advance 131
Inconsiderate 99
Indissoluble Partners 218
In Memoriam 83
In Our Melting Pot 81
Intelligent Cat, The 196
In the Old Days 241
Is This Tact? 221
It Happened in Illinois 108
"It Is Forbidden" 97
Its Name 200
Jeems Henry Was Conjured! 73
Joe's Diagnosis 89
Joy of Eating 115
Just Answered 120
Justice to T.R. 169
Kaiser's Last Word, The 163
Keeping It in the Family 74
Kindness 204
Knew His Business 188
Knew His Job 92
Knew More About Hens Than History, 140
Last Resort 56
Last Word, The, as Usual 238
Lesson in Manners, A 154
Life, The 84
Life's Eternal Query 14
Limit, The 124, 232
Limited Dissipation 232
Literal Censor, A 151
Little too Thrifty, A 199
Long Story, A 215
Looked That Way 57
Makes a Difference 186
Making It Fit 154
Man He Left Behind, The 135
Manna 47
Mark Twain on Millionaires 64
Matrimonial Endurance 180
Matrimonial Profundity 15
Matter of Nomenclature, A 96
Matter with Kansas, The 146
Memories 69
Might Draw Business 43
Misleading 88
Missed His Chance 6
Missing It 181
Mistaken Identity? 53
Mistakes Will Happen 87
More Scotch Thrift 204
Moving Tale, A 65
Much Simpler 105
New Complaint, A 224
New Régime, The 16
New Servant-girl Story 5
"Next!" 58
No Change in Shylock 174
No Danger 43
Non Fit 234
No Free Advertising 132
No Joque 165
No Peace for Him 144
No Place for Him 240
No Telling 125
No Use for It 121
Not a Native 141
Not Enough Scenery 190
Not For Her to Say 227
Nothing to Lose 250
Not in the Tactics 153
Not Much to Talk About 240
Not So Difficult 75
Nourishment 28
Obeying Orders 91
Obvious Place, The 182
Old Hand, An 193
On Duty Elsewhere 162
One Explanation 94
One on Him 80
One Way Out 179
On Her Nerves 50
Only one Thing for Him 136
Oriental Politeness 34
Original Method, The 201
"Over Here" 13
Perfectly Natural 117
Perfect Program, A 232
Perpetual Motion 113
Person of Discernment, A 193
Pessimists 198
Pigtails and Moustaches 157
Playing Safe 178
Point of Honor, The 3
Poser, A 42
"Prayer of the Unrighteous" 101
Preparedness 176
Pride 197
Pride in the Daily Task 114
Probably Right 111
Proper Spirit, The 112
Proposal, The 139
Proving It 104
Purely Literary 90
Putting It up to the Horse 185
Ready-witted Parson, A 103
Real Culprit, The 95
Record Breaker, A 126
Remorse 94
Revealed 80
Revised Classics 24, 163
Rivalry 172
Robbing Himself 197
Rotund 224
Safe 45
Safe Deposit 146
Same Old Hours, The 133
Scotch Thrills 25
Scriptural 236
Sensitive 121
Sermon on the War, A, By Parson Brown, 10
She Admitted It 228
She Knew Him 48
Silent Contempt 106
Silver Lining, The 230
Simple Faith 231
Simple Political Life, The 156
Skeptic, A 192
Smarty! 26
Smarty! 127
Soft Answer, A 88
Solving a Great Problem 186
Some Fight 225
Some Speed 135
Something! 189
Specially Endowed 165
Sporting Proposition, A 139
Staying on the Job 211
Still Companionable 70
Still Not Satisfied 148
Still Unbeaten 22
Stock Suffrage Argument, A 103
Story from the Front, A 235
Stories about James Gordon Bennett, 209
Sunshine, Mr., and Mr, Gloom 61
Surprising 217
Table of Comparison 92
Taking no Chances 242
Taxed to Capacity 150
Test of Friendship, A 136
Teuton Way, The 118
Their "Bit" 86
Their One Topic 110
Their Opportunity 182
Then Things Happened 188
They Meant to Be Fair 40
They Were so Glad to See Him 19
This Happened in Chicago 53
"Tipperary" in Chinese 233
Tit for Tat 194
Too Forward 90
Too Good to Be Wasted 195
Too Long a Shot 120
Too Much! 52, 142
Too Personal 242
Too Strong a Term 226
Touchy 196
Try It and See 128
Try This 115
True Optimist, A 194, 217
Two Treatments, The 248
Unchangeable 9
Uneasy 116
Unfortunate Affair, An 155
Unprepared Base Threatened 98
Unreturned Favors 112
Up to Him 152
Vulnerable 87
Warned in Twenty Years 222
Warning to Authors 207
Wasn't Calling Her Dear 189
Welcoming the Actor 85
What Did Solomon Say? 107
What He Might Have Been 129
When the "S" Fell Out 18
Where Ignorance Is Bliss 17
Where Vermont Scored 123
Who Could Tell? 36
Why Be Polite Anyway? 31
Why Not? 130, 132, 133
Why Should He Know? 77
Winner, The 150
Words Failed Her 178
Worm Turned, The 185
Worse! 118
Worth a Chance 205
Yankee Fodder 93