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great defect. The best Scottish hotels cost very dear, and, my faith,
the two or three that I visited are not great thing like
comfortable - _ne sont pas grand'chose comme comfortable!_

One day we make a little excursion on the Lake of Lomond. The lake is
well beautiful, and the steamboat is excellent. But in one certain
hotel, in descending from a _breack_, and before to embark, we take the
"lunch." We bargain not, we ask not even the price, we eat at the _table
d'hôte_ like all the world in Swiss, in France, even in Germany, when
there is but one half hour before the departure of the train or of the
boat. _Oh la, la!_ I have eaten in the spanish hotels, on the steamboats
of the italian lakes, even in the _restaurants - mon Dieu!_ - of the
english railways, but never, never - _au grand jamais_ - have I eaten a
_déjeuner_ like that! One dish I shall forget never; some exterior green
leaves of lettuce, without oil or vinegar, which they called a "salad."
_Parbleu_ - by blue! In all the history of the world there has been but
one man who would have could to eat her with pleasure - Nabuchodonosor!

Agree, &c.,

AUGUSTE.

* * * * *

[Illustration: "CANNY"

_Sister._ "Why, Charles, you've got raw whiskey here!"

_Charles._ "Well, it's hardly worth while to bring water. We can always
find that as we go along - when we want it."]

* * * * *

[Illustration: CAUTIOUS

_Visitor (at out-of-the-way inn in the North)._ "Do you know anything
about salmon-poaching in this neighbourhood?"

_Landlady (whose son is not above suspicion)._ - "Eh - no, sir. Maybe it's
a new style of cooking as we haven't heard of in these parts, as you
see, sir, we only do our eggs that way; and" - (_brightening up_) - "if
you like 'em, I can get you a dish at once!"]

* * * * *

[Illustration: A DECIDED OPINION

_Proprietor of shootings ("in the course of conversation")._ "Yes, but
you know, Sandy, it's difficult to choose between the Scylla of a shy
tenant, and the Charybdis of - - "

_Sandy (promptly)._ "Aweel! Gie me the siller, an' anybuddy that likes
may hae the tither!"]

* * * * *

[Illustration: _Chappie (after missing his fourth stag, explains)._
"Aw - fact is, the - aw - waving grass was in my way."

_Old Stalker._ "Hoot, mon, wad he hae me bring out a scythe?"]

* * * * *

[Illustration: Our artist catches it again this winter in the
Highlands.]

* * * * *

[Illustration: A FINE HEAD (BUT NOT OF THE RIGHT SORT OF CATTLE) Perkins
has paid a mint of money for his shooting, and has had bad luck all the
season. To-day, however, he gets a shot, only - it turns out to be at a
cow!]

* * * * *

[Illustration: A "SCENE" IN THE HIGHLANDS

_Ill-used husband_ (_under the bed_). "Aye! Ye may crack me, and ye may
thrash me, but ye canna break my manly sperrit. I'll na come oot!!"]

* * * * *

[Illustration: MR. PUNCH IN THE HIGHLANDS

He is at present on a boating excursion, and describes the motion as
extremely pleasant, and has no dread of sea-sickness.]

* * * * *

[Illustration: "GAME" IN THE HIGHLANDS

_Captain Jinks._ "Birds plentiful, I hope, Donald?"

_Donald._ "Tousans, sir - in tousans."

_Captain J._ "Any zebras?"

_Donald_ (_anxious to please_). "Is't zebras? They're in tousans, too."

_Captain J._ "And gorillas, no doubt?"

_Donald._ "Well, noo an' then we see ane or twa - just like yerself."]

* * * * *

[Illustration: MISS LAVINIA BROUNJONES'S ADVENTURES IN THE HIGHLANDS

Lavinia takes a siesta,]

[Illustration: And the frightful situation she finds herself in at the
end of it.]

[Illustration: Lavinia arrives at a waterfall, and asks its name. The
shepherd (not understanding English) informs her in Gaelic that it is
called (as Lavinia supposes) "Vicharoobashallochoggilnabo." Lavinia
thinks it a very pretty name.]

[Illustration: A bright idea strikes the shepherd, and before Lavinia
can remonstrate, he transports her, in the usual manner, to the other
side.]

[Illustration: MISS LAVINIA BROUNJONES

She comes suddenly on a strange structure - apparently a native fort, and
is just going to sketch it, when a savage of gigantic stature, and armed
to the teeth, starts from an ambush, and menaces her in Gaelic!]

* * * * *

TWENTY HOURS AFTER

EUSTON, 8 P.M.

I'm sick of this sweltering weather.
Phew! ninety degrees in the shade!
I long for the hills and the heather,
I long for the kilt and the plaid;
I long to escape from this hot land
Where there isn't a mouthful of air,
And fly to the breezes of Scotland -
It's never too stuffy up there.

For weeks I have sat in pyjamas,
And found even these were _de trop_,
And envied the folk of Bahamas
Who dress in a feather or so;
But now there's an end to my grilling,
My Inferno's a thing of the past;
Hurrah! there's the whistle a-shrilling -
We are off to the Highlands at last!

CALLANDER, 4 P.M.

The dull leaden skies are all clouded
In the gloom of a sad weeping day,
The desolate mountains are shrouded
In palls of funereal grey;
'Mid the skirl of the wild wintry weather
The torrents descend in a sheet
As we shiver all huddled together
In the reek of the smouldering peat.

A plague on the Highlands! to think of
The heat that but lately we banned;
Oh! what would we give for a blink of
The bright sunny side of the Strand!
To think there are folk that still revel
In Summer, and fling themselves down,
In the Park, or St. James? What the d - -
Possessed us to hurry from town?

* * * * *

"OUT OF TUNE AND HARSH." - _First Elder_ (_at the Kirk "Skellin'"_). "Did
ye hear Dougal? More snorin' in the sermon?"

_Second Elder_, "Parefec'ly disgracefu'! He's waukened 's a'!"

* * * * *

[Illustration: OVERHEARD IN THE HIGHLANDS

_First Chieftain._ "I say, old chap, what a doose of a bore these games
are!"

_Second Chieftain._ "Ah, but, my dear boy, it is this sort of thing that
has made us Scotchmen _what we are!!_"]

* * * * *

[Illustration: "SERMONS IN STONES"

_Tourist_ (_of an inquiring and antiquarian turn_). "Now I suppose,
farmer, that large cairn of stones has some history?"

_Highland Farmer._ "Ooh, aye, that buig o' stanes has a gran' history
whatever!"

_Tourist_ (_eagerly_). "Indeed! I should like to - - What is the
legend - - ?"

_Farmer._ "Just a gran' history!" (_Solemnly._) "It took a' ma cairts
full and horses sax months to gather them aff he land and pit them
ther-r-re!!"]

* * * * *

[Illustration: JETSAM AND FLOTSAM

Smith being shut out from the Continent this year, takes a cottage ornée
on Dee-Side. Scotland. The children are sent up first. The house is
described as "conveniently furnished" - they find it so!]

* * * * *

[Illustration: IN THE WILDS OF THE NORTH.

_Hungry Saxon_ (_just arrived, with equally hungry family_). "Well,
now - er - what can you give us for dinner, as soon as we've had a wash?"

_Scotch Lassie._ "Oh, jist onything!"

_H. S._ (_rubbing his hands in anticipation_). "Ah! Now we'll have a
nice juicy steak."

_Lassie._ "A - weel. We'll be haein' some steak here maybe by the boat i'
the morn's morn!"

_H. S._ (_a little crestfallen_). "Oh - well - chops then. We'll say
mutton chops."

_Lassie._ "Oh, ay, but we've no been killin' a sheep the day!"

[_Ends up with boiled eggs, and vows to remain at home for the future._

]

* * * * *

THE DUKE OF ATHOLL'S SHILLING (1851)

The _North British Mail_ assures us that the Duke of Atholl exacts one
shilling a head from every person taking a walk in his ground at
Dunkeld. This is rather dear; but the impost would be insupportable if
his Grace insisted upon also showing himself for the money.

A HIGHLAND CORONACH

_Or Lament over the Acts and State of the Duke of Atholl._

After Scott.

He has shut up the mountain,
He has locked up the forest,
He has bunged up the fountain,
When our need was the sorest;
The traveller stirring
To the North, may dogs borrow;
But the Duke gives no hearing,
No pass - but to sorrow.

The hand of the tourist
Grasps the carpet-bag grimly,
But a face of the dourest
Frowns through the Glen dimly.
The autumn winds, rushing,
Stir a kilt of the queerest,
Duke and gillies come crushing
Where pleasure is nearest!

Queer foot on the corrie,
Oddly loving to cumber -
Give up this odd foray,
Awake from your slumber!
Take your ban from the mountain,
Take your lock from the river,
Take your bolt from the fountain,
Now at once, and for ever!

* * * * *

[Illustration: The sad fate of our only ham. - The pursuit.]

* * * * *

[Illustration: A RARA MONGRELLIS

_Tourist._ "Your dog appears to be deaf, as he pays no attention to me."

_Shepherd._ "Na, na, sir. She's a varra wise dog, for all tat. But she
only speaks Gaelic."]

* * * * *

[Illustration: "IN FOR IT"

_Innocent Tourist._ "No fish to be caught in Loch Fine now? And how do
you support yourself?"

_Native._ "Whiles she carries parcels, and whiles she raws people in ta
poat, and whiles a shentleman 'ull give her a saxpence or a shillin'!"]

* * * * *

[Illustration: A BLANK DAY

_The Keeper_ (_to Brown, who rents the forest_). "Doon wi' ye! Doon wi'
ye! Get ahint a stang!"

_Brown_ (_out of temper - he had been "stalking" about all the morning,
and missed several times_). "Yes, it's all very well to say 'Get behind
a stone.' But show me one! - show me one!!"]

* * * * *

[Illustration: Mr. Punch passes a night at McGillie Cullum Castle.]

[Illustration: The Laird, as a delicate compliment, serenades him.]

* * * * *

[Illustration: A BAD SEASON

_Sportsman._ "I can assure you, what with the rent of the moor, and my
expenses, and 'what not,' the birds have cost me - ah - a sovereign
apiece!!"

_Keeper._ "A' weel, sir! 'Deed it's a maircy ye didna kill na mair o'
'em!!"]

* * * * *

[Illustration: CANDID

_Sportsman._ "Boy, you've been at this whiskey!"

_Boy_ (_who has brought the luncheon-basket_). "Na! The cooark wadna
come oot!"]

* * * * *

[Illustration: "UNCO CANNY"

_Noble Sportsman._ "Missed, eh?"

_Cautious Keeper._ "Weel, a' wadna gang quite sae faur as to say that;
but a' doot ye hay'na _exactly_ hit."]

* * * * *

THE SONG OF THE SCOTCH TOURIST

Those Scotch hotels! Those Scotch hotels
Are fit for princes and for swells;
But their high charges don't agree
With humbler travellers like me.

Twelve shillings daily for my board
Is more than I can well afford,
For this includes nor ale nor wine,
Whereof I drink some when I dine.

Bad sherry's charged at eight-and-six,
A price that in my gizzard sticks:
And if I want a pint of port,
A crown is what I'm pilfer'd for 't.

For service, too, I have to pay,
Two shillings, as a rule, per day:
Yet always, when I leave the door,
The boots and waiter beg for more.

So, till a fortune I can spend,
Abroad my autumn steps I'll bend;
Far cheaper there, experience tells,
Is living than at Scotch hotels!

* * * * *

[Illustration: A VERY DIFFERENT MATTER

_Southern Lord_ (_staying at Highland castle_). "Thank you so much.
I - ah - weally enjoy your music. I think of having a piper at my own
place."

_Sandy the piper._ "An' fat kin' o' a piper would your lordship be
needin'?"

_Southern Lord._ "Oh, certainly a good piper like yourself, Sandy."

_Sandy_ (_sniffing_). "Och! Inteet! - Ye might easily fin' a lord like
your lordship, but it's nae sae easy to fin' a piper like me whatever!"]

* * * * *

[Illustration]

THE END

BRADBURY, AGNEW, & CO. LD., PRINTERS, LONDON AND TONBRIDGE.







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Online LibraryVariousMr. Punch in the Highlands → online text (page 5 of 5)