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* * * * *

Punch, or the London Charivari

Volume 105, December 16, 1893.

_edited by Sir Francis Burnand_

* * * * *




SEASONABLE SONNET.

(_By a Vegetarian._)

Yes, Christmas overtakes us yet once more.
The Cattle Show has vanished in the mists
Of time and Islington, but re-exists
In piecemeal splendour at the store.
Here, nightly, big boys blue are to the fore
With knives and choppers in their greasy fists;
And now, methinks, the wight who never lists
Yet hears the brass band on the proud first floor.
High over all rings "What d'ye buy, buy, buy?"
The meat is decked with gay rosette and bow,
While gas-jets beckon all the world and wife.
A cheerful scene? A ghastly one, say I,
Where mutilated corpses hang arow,
And in the midst of death we are in life.

* * * * *

AS THEY LIKED IT. - We read of the recent success at Palmer's Theatre,
New York, of _As You Like It_, with all the parts played by women.
Of course, everybody knows that this was a complete reversal of the
practice of the stage in SHAKSPEARE'S own day, when the buskin was
on the other leg, so to speak; but we are not told if the passage
"Doublet and hose ought to show itself courageous to petticoat" was
transposed to "Petticoat ought to show itself courageous to doublet
and hose."

* * * * *

THIS SETTLED IT. - "He may be irritable," observed Mrs. R., "but
remember the old saying that 'Irritation is the sincerest form of
flattery.'"

* * * * *

[Illustration: ALL IN THE DAY'S WORK.

_Critic._ "HOW'S THE _BOOK_ GOING, OLD MAN?"

_Author._ "OH - ALL RIGHT, I FANCY. THE PRESS HAS NOTICED IT ALREADY.
YESTERDAY'S _ROSELEAVES_ HAILS ME AS THE COMING _THACKERAY_!"

_Critic._ "AH, _I_ WROTE THAT!"

_Author._ "DID YOU REALLY? HOW CAN I THANK YOU? ON THE OTHER HAND,
THIS WEEK'S _KNACKER_ SAYS THAT I'VE BEEN FORTUNATELY ARRESTED BY
MADNESS ON THE ROAD TO IDIOTCY!"

_Critic._ "AH, I WROTE THAT TOO!"]

* * * * *

A PLEA FOR PLEADINGS.

DEAR MR. PUNCH, - Last week I begged for a chance for the Briefless,
and the only reply has been, that by a few strokes of the pen the
Judges have ruined and undone the Junior Bar. On a day which will be
known henceforth in the Temple as Bad Friday, we read the new Rules,
by which in future it will be possible to have an action - _without
pleadings!_ Statement of Claim, Defence, Reply, Rejoinder - all
disappear into a beggarly "Summons for Directions," that can be drawn
by a solicitor's office-boy. Of course, amongst the silks, the change
will, no doubt, be popular. These learned gentlemen can with a light
heart and a heavy pocket welcome the change, which will get rid of the
pleadings which it is merely a nuisance to read. But what is to become
of us whose business it is to draw them?

It may possibly be said that this new arrangement will save the
pockets of the clients, but what have the Judges to do with that? Does
anyone imagine litigation to be anything more than a pastime, at which
those who play ought to be content to pay? In a hard winter, when the
wolf is consistently at our door, to take the bread out of our mouths
in this way, is a proceeding which (_pace_ Mr. GLADSTONE) takes the
cake. I am sure Mr. GOSCHEN will welcome such an expression. In any
case I appeal, Sir, through you, from the Judges to an enlightened
paying public.

Yours faithfully,
L. ERNED COUNSEL.

102, _Temple Gardens, E.C.,_
_Dec. 6._

* * * * *

CAUSE AND EFFECT. - A razor and a _tabula rasa_.

* * * * *

JOHN TYNDALL.

BORN AUG. 21, 1820.
DIED DEC. 4, 1893.

HONEST JOHN TYNDALL, then, has played his part!
Scientist brain, and patriotic heart
Both still in the last sleep, that sadly came,
Without reproach to love, or loss to fame.
Rest, Son of Science, certain of your meed!
Of bitter moan for you there is small need;
But England bows in silent sympathy
With her whose love, chance-wounded, all may see
Steadfast in suffering undeserved as sore.
_Punch_ speaks for all true hearts the kingdom o'er
When mingling tribute to JOHN TYNDALL'S life
With hushed compassion for his bowed but blameless wife

* * * * *

A FEMININE TRIUMPH. - SHEE, Q.C., appointed Judge of the Court of
Record at Salford. Naturally SHEE likes being courted. Pity it wasn't
in Wales, as then they would Welshly-and-grammatically speak of
"appearing before SHEE" as "appearing before _Her_." This is clearly
an example of the "_SHEE who must be obeyed_."

* * * * *

Murch Praised!

["Mr. JEROME MURCH, seven times Mayor of Bath, &c., and for
thirty years chairman of, &c., has just published a volume,
entitled _Bath Celebrities_."]

_Go to Bath, viâ_ book upon lap; -
No Bath bungler is here, but a rare man.
You are certain to like this Bath chap;
And there never was such a Bath chairman.

* * * * *

UNIVERSITY INTELLIGENCE. - The Oxford undergraduate who was caught
red-(paint)-handed, and sent down for a year, forgot, no doubt, that
_he_ had to be well read, not the town; but a year in the country will
no doubt make him as fresh as the paint itself. Curiously enough, very
popular still in his College, which shows no inclination to cut the
painter!

* * * * *

"SOMETHING LIKE A HUNTING RUN." - In the _Pall Mall_ last Thursday
was the account of a grand run with "the Barlow Hounds." Of course
_Sandford_ and _Merton_ were on ponies, and out with "their
beloved tutor's" pack. Mr. BARLOW, of course, is both "Master" and
"Whipper-in."

* * * * *

THE TOPER'S TOAST. - "_Pot_-luck!"

* * * * *

TRIP-LETS.

[Miss YOUNG writes from North Merton Vicarage to say that her
turkeys have taken to step-dancing. "First two young 'toms'
bowed politely to one another, then passed on with stately
tread, skipped into the air twice in the most ludicrous
manner, turned, and repeated the performance." - _See Daily
Graphic, December 7._]

The lion, fleas, and kangaroo,
Baboon, and shaving baby too,
Have all had shows - here's something new!

Terpsichore and _Turveydrop_
Have taught the turkeycock to hop,
To bow politely, skip and flop.

Like Cheshire cat, I would have grinned,
To see the fowl of Western Ind
Disport itself like LETTY LIND!

Enough of barn-and serpent-dance!
We'll give the poultry-yard a chance -
With _pas de deux_-"_toms_" let us prance!

* * * * *

CHARITY'S CRUX. - Charity begins at home, we are told. Perhaps. But at
present, confused by rival claims and conflicting counsels, Charity
seems to be "all abroad."

* * * * *

[Illustration: CHANGE OF PARTNERS. PRESIDENT CLEVELAND ASKS FOR "JUST
ONE TURN" WITH MISS FREE TRADE.]

* * * * *

[Illustration: "NEXT HER HEART!"

_Young Muddleigh, who has been out buying underwear for his personal
use, purchases at the same establishment some flowers for his
ladyelove - leaving a Note to be enclosed. Imagine Young Muddleigh's
horror, on returning to dress, to discover that the underwear had
been sent with the Note, and the Flowers to him! Muddleigh discovered,
repeating slowly to himself the contents of the Note_: - "PLEASE WEAR
THESE THIS EVENING, FOR MY SAKE!"]

* * * * *

A CHANGE OF PARTNERS.

["The world should be open to our national ingenuity and
enterprise. This cannot be while Federal legislation,
through the imposition of a high tariff, forbids to American
manufacturers as cheap materials as those used by their
competitors.... A measure has been prepared ... embodying
tariff reform on the lines herein suggested." - _President
Cleveland's Message to Congress_.]

GROVER CLEVELAND _sings_: -

(AIR - "_Are you coming to the dancing?_")

Oh! there's only one girl in the world for whom I care a dime,
And I mean to be her partner - if you'll only give me time.
It is nice to see her smiling and a-calling from way over,
"Are you coming to the dancing, Mister GROVER, GROVER, GROVER?"

_Chorus_ - Are you coming, are you coming,
Are you coming to the dancing, Mr. GROVER, GROVER, GROVER?
And I say, I guess I'm coming, Miss Free Trade, dear - as your lover!

"Come, GROVER, come!" my love will say; "just one turn in the dance,
And _we_'ll show all competitors they have but little chance.
That's why I love you GROVER, 'cause you're limber in your feet
And defy the other fellows, to compete, pete, pete!"

_Chorus_ - Are you coming, &c.

Miss Protection, my old partner's a bit _passée, entre nous_,
Yet I mustn't all forsake her; she's exacting and a shrew;
And to leave her quite a "Wallflower," and entirely in the shade,
Would mean ructions; yet I _must_ try just one turn with dear Free Trade!

_Chorus_ - Are you coming, &c.

So I'll kiss her little finger, and invite her to the waltz;
Though the other turns her nose up (temper's one of her worst faults).
But I say, "I cannot help it, dear; you're danced quite off your feet,
And a rest will do you good, dear, I repeat, peat, peat!"

_Chorus_ - Are you coming, &c.

"The ball-room should be open to a dancer's enterprise.
I _must_ try a change of partners; your high-tariff step so tries.
It's so stiff, and so exhausting, and a little Freedom's sweet;
Whilst _I_ take one turn with Free Trade. _You_ can take a seat, seat, seat!"

_Chorus_ - Are you coming, &c.

"Oh! she's been and asked her mother, and her mother's said she might.
So sit down and don't show tantrums, for they make you look a fright."
_May_ I ask you for just one turn, Free Trade, before this dance is over?
And she answers "With much pleasure, Mister GROVER, GROVER, GROVER!"

_Chorus_ - Are you coming, are you coming,
Are you coming for one turn, my dear, before this dance is over?
And she smiles - and I'm her partner - and hope soon to be her lover!

* * * * *

"VARIETY! VA-RI-E-TY!"

"The Kilanyi Troupe" at the Palace Theatre of Varieties, with their
strikingly realistic _Tableaux Vivants_, might well change their name
_pro tem._ to "The Kill-any-other Troupe" that might be venturing in
the same line. Of course, they are a great attraction, and would be
still greater, were the Show varied from night to night, altogether
omitting No. 6 in the present programme, and, in view of the
popularity of "A tale of the tide," the humour of which is perceptible
to everyone on account of the waggery in the tail, by substituting two
or three comic for the simply classic _poses_. Mr. CHARLES MORTON,
trading on his acquired store of operatic knowledge, might give us a
statuette of _Les Deux Gendarmes_, who could just vary their attitudes
according to the movement of OFFENBACH'S celebrated duett. After a
short interval of patriotic song about NELSON and "doing duty" there
is a capital French clown, or clown of some nationality, whose fun is
genuine, and whose imitations, animal and orchestral, are excellent
and really amusing. This is a case in which, if a real bassoon or a
real hen intruded itself, either would be hissed, and the false
honestly preferred to the real. Altogether, except that the ballet
which plays the people out, and does play them out effectually, is
old-fashioned, it is an excellent evening's entertainment. The County
Council ought to come in their thousands, and, like the little dog who
was so pleased to see the cow jumping over the moon, they would "laugh
to see such sport."

* * * * *

UNDER THE ROSE.

(_A Story in Scenes._)

SCENE XIX. - _The Drawing-room._ Mrs. TOOVEY _is still regarding_ Mr.
JANNAWAY, _after the manner of an elderly bird in the presence of a
young and somewhat inexperienced serpent_.

_Mr. Toovey_ (_coming to the rescue_). Excuse me, young Sir, but
I don't think you quite realise who that lady _is_. (_With mild
self-assertion._) She is my wife, Sir, my Wife! And she is not
_accustomed_ to being hunted all over Upper Tooting, or anywhere else!

_Mr. Jannaway_ (_to himself_). I've got this dear lady on toast. _I_
can see! But I mustn't do anything ungentlemanly or I may get the sack
if the governor gets to hear of it. (_Aloud._) If I'm mistaken I'm
ready to apologise; but the lady bears such a really remarkable
likeness to a Mrs. TOMKINSON JONES, residing (so she gave me to
understand) at The Laburnums, Upper Tooting, that - -

_Mrs. Toovey_ (_finding her voice_). I do _not_ reside at Upper
Tooting!

_Mr. Jann._ (_in silky tones_). Precisely _so_, Madam. No more does
Mrs. - hem - TOMKINSON JONES!

_Charles._ And is _that_ the only point of resemblance between your
friend Mrs. JONES and my Aunt, eh?

_Mr. Jann._ That's a matter of opinion, Sir. I've my own. But neither
the lady nor yet myself are particularly likely to forget our meeting.
It was only last Saturday evening, too!

_Mr. Toov._ Why, then you must have met Mrs. TOOVEY at the Zenana
Mission Conference?

_Mr. Jann._ Well that isn't the name _I_ know it by; but if the lady
prefers it, why - -

_Mrs. Toov._ (_hoarsely_). I - I deny having ever met the young man
before, anywhere; that is, I - I don't remember doing so. Take him
away!

_Mr. Jann._ I should be most averse, of course, to contradicting a
lady, and I can only conclude that she is so much in the 'abit of
fetching unoffending strangers what I may venture to term, if
you'll permit the vulgarity, a slap in the jaw, that such a trifling
circumstance makes no impression on her. It did on _me_!

_Mr. Toov._ (_outraged_). Young man! are you endeavouring to suggest
that my wife goes about - er - administering "slaps in the jaw" to
perfect strangers at Zenana meetings?

_Mr. Jann._ Pardon me, I said nothing whatever about any - er - Pyjama
meetings. I don't know what may go on _there_, I'm sure. The incident
_I_ alluded to occurred at the Eldorado music-hall.

_Mrs. Toov._ (_to herself_). There; it's out at last! What _have_ I
done to deserve this?

_Charles_ (_to himself_). The Eldorado! Why, THEA _said_ - - What _can_
Aunt have been up to? She's got herself into the very deuce of a hole!

[CURPHEW _and_ ALTHEA _exchange significant glances_.

_Mr. Toov._ At the Eldorado? Now, do you know that's very
singular - that really is very singular indeed! You're the _second_
person who fancied Mrs. TOOVEY was there last Saturday evening! So
that you see there _must_ have been a lady there most extraordinarily
like my wife!

_Mrs. Toov._ (_to herself_). Dear, good, simple Pa; _he_ believes in
me! After all, I've only to deny everything; he can't _prove_ I was
there! (_Aloud._) Yes, Sir, and on a mere resemblance like that you
have the audacity to bring these shameful charges against me - _me_!
All you have succeeded in establishing is that you were in the
music-hall yourself, and I doubt whether your employer would approve
of a clerk of his spending his time in such places, if it came to his
ears!

_Mr. Jann._ It's very kind of you to concern yourself on my account,
Madam; but there's no occasion. It was Mr. LARKINS himself gave me the
ticket; so I'm not at all uneasy.

[Illustration: "Why, Cornelia, my love, so you've _found_ your
spectacles!"]

_Mr. Toov._ Why, dear me, that must have been the ticket Mr.
CURPHEW - I should say, Mr. WALTER WILDFIRE - sent me. I remember I left
it with Mr. LARKINS in case he could find a use for it. So you were in
_my_ box; quite a coincidence, really!

_Mr. Jann._ As you say, Sir, and not the only one neither, seeing
that - -

_Mrs. Toov._ Pa, isn't it time this young man finished the business
he came about, and went away? I am not accustomed to seeing my
drawing-room made use of as an office!

_Mr. Toov._ (_snatching up the transfer_). By all means, my love.
(_To_ Mr. J.) Er, I really think we should be more comfortable in the
study. There - there's a bigger inkstand.

[_He leads the way to the door._

_Mr. Jann._ (_following_). As _you_ please, Sir. (_Turning at the
door._) I must say I think I've been most cruelly misunderstood. If
I've been anxious for the pleasure of meeting Mrs. TOMKINSON JONES
again, any revengeful motives or lowness of that description was far
from my thoughts, my sole object being to restore a piece of property
which the lady, whoever she may have been, left behind her, and which,
as I 'appen to have brought it with me, would, if recognised, settle
any question of identity on the spot. But that can wait for the
present. Business first, pleasure afterwards!

[_He goes out. A silence. Presently a succession of violent
sniffs proceed from behind "The Quiver." All rise in concern._

_Charles._ I say, Aunt, you're not going to give way _now_, are you?
That fellow hasn't frightened you?

_Alth._ (_kneeling down and embracing_ Mrs. T.). Dearest mamma,
_don't_ you think you'd better tell us all about it? It was _you_ who
slapped that horrid little man's face - now, _wasn't_ it? And serve him
right!

_Mrs. T._ (_in a burst_). I took him for your father! Oh, what have I
_said_? I never meant to admit anything! And what must you all think
of me?

_Curph._ No one who has had the benefit of your opinions of
music-halls or their entertainers, can possibly imagine you went to
one with any idea of _amusing_ yourself, Mrs. TOOVEY.

_Mrs. Toov._ (_without heeding him_). And Pa, what will _he_ say? When
I think of all the wicked stories I've had to tell that poor dear man!
And after he once finds them out, there's an end of all his
respect for me, all my influence over him, all my power in this
house - _everything_! Why, for anything _I_ can tell, Pa may actually
believe I went to that detestable place on what (_to_ CURPHEW) I
suppose your friends would call the - the (_utterly breaking down_)
Tee-hiddle-dy-hi!

_Charles_ (_after a highly suspicious fit of choking_). Don't think
there's any danger of that, Aunt; but look here, how if I went into
the study and kicked that little cad out, eh?

_Mrs. Toov._ And have the whole affair in the police reports! _You_'re
a pretty solicitor, CHARLES! But Pa _knows_ by now, and oh, what in
the _world_ am I to do?

_Charles._ Well, my dear Aunt, it sounds an immoral suggestion, but,
as you seem to have given Uncle a - hem - slightly picturesque version
of your doings last Saturday, hadn't you better _stick_ to it?

_Mrs. Toov._ What's the use? Didn't you hear that wretch say he'd
found something in the box? It's my spectacles, CHARLES; a pair in
a Rob Roy tartan case, which Pa gave me himself, and couldn't _help_
recognising! I remember now, I left them there, and - - (_The door
opens._) They're coming back!

_Mr. Toov._ (_entering_). That's really a very honest young fellow, my
love, nothing will satisfy him but bringing in the article he's found,
and seeing whether it belongs to you or not.

_Mrs. Toov._ (_breathlessly_). And have _you_ seen it, Pa - have you
_seen_ it?

_Mr. Toov._ Not yet, dear love, not yet. He's getting it out of his
great coat in the hall.

_Curph._ (_starting up from behind_ ALTHEA). I think, if you will
allow me, _I_'ll go and speak to him first. It strikes me that I may
know the lady who was in that box, and I'm naturally anxious to avoid
any - -

[_He goes out._

END OF SCENE XIX.


SCENE XX. - _A few minutes later._

_Mrs. Toov._ (_to herself, in a fever_). Why doesn't he come back?
What are those two plotting together? Oh, if Mr. WILDFIRE imagines he
will get a hold over me, so as to obtain my consent to - - I'd sooner
tell Pa everything! (_To_ CURPHEW, _who reenters, smiling_.) W - where
is - the other?

_Curph._ The other? Oh, _he_'s gone. I made myself known to him; and
you would have been surprised, my dear Mrs. TOOVEY, at the immense
effect my professional name had upon him. When he realised I was
WALTER WILDFIRE he was willing to do anything for me, and so I easily
got him to entrust his find to me.

_Mr. Toov._ (_inquisitively_). And what is it - a fan, or a glove?
There would be no harm in showing it to _us_, eh?

_Curph._ Well, really, it's so very unlikely to compromise anybody
that I almost think I _might_. Yes, there can't be any objection.

[_He takes something out of his pocket, and presents it to_
Mr. T.

_Mr. Toov._ (_mystified_). Why, it's only a hairpin! What a
scrupulously honest young man that is, to be sure!

_Mrs. Toov._ (_relieved_). Only a hairpin? (_Then, uneasily, to_
CURPH., _in an undertone_.) Where is - you know what? Have you kept it
to use for your own advantage?

_Curph._ (_in the same tone_). I am a very bad man, I know; but I
don't blackmail. You will find it behind the card-basket in the hall.

[Mrs. T. _goes out_; ALTH. _draws_ CURPH. _aside_.

_Alth._ CLARENCE, I - I _must_ know; how did you come to have a - a
hairpin? where did it come _from_? (_As he softly touches the back of
her head._) Oh! it was _mine_, then? _What_ a goose I am?

_Mr. Toov._ (_as_ Mrs. T. _returns_). Why, CORNELIA, my love, so
you've _found_ your spectacles! Now where did you leave them _this_
time, my dear, eh?

_Mrs. Toov._ Where I shall not leave them _again_ in a hurry,
THEOPHILUS!

_Mr. Toov._ Don't you be too sure of that, my love. By the way, Mr.
CURPHEW, that lady of your acquaintance - _you_ know, the one who
made all this disturbance at the Eldorado - is she at all _like_ Mrs.
TOOVEY, now?

_Curph._ (_after reflection_). Well, really, there _is_ a
resemblance - at a distance!

_Mr. Toov._ (_peevishly_). Then it's annoying - very annoying; because
it might compromise my poor dear wife, you know. I - I wish you could
give her a quiet hint to - to avoid such places in future!

_Curph._ Do you know, Sir, I really think it will be _quite_
unnecessary.

[PH[OE]BE _enters to announce dinner_.

_Mr. Toov._ Dinner, eh? Yes, yes, dinner, to be sure. Mr. CURPHEW,
will you take in my dau - - (_correcting himself_) - oh, but, dear me, I
was quite forgetting that - h'm! - -

_Curph._ - - that Mrs. TOOVEY has been expressing an ardent impatience
to close your doors on me for ever?

_Mrs. Toov._ (_not over graciously_). That was before - - I mean
that - considering the manner in which we all of us seem to have been
more or less mixed up with the music-hall of late - we can't afford to
be too particular. If Mr. WILDFIRE chooses to stay, he will find as
warm a welcome as - (_with a gulp_) - he can _expect_!

_Curph._ Many thanks, but I'm sure you see that I can't stay here on
sufferance. If I do stay it must be as - -

_Mrs. T._ As one of the family! (_She chokes._) That - that's
understood, of course. (_To herself._) They know too much!

_Mr. T._ (_to_ Mrs. T., _chirpily, as the others precede them in
to dinner_). Do you know, my love, I'd no more idea you would ever
have - - Well, well, it might have been worse, I daresay. But we must
never let it get out about the _music-hall_, eh?

_Mrs. T._ Well, Pa, _I_'m not very likely to allude to it!

THE END.

* * * * *

"CRYSTAL-GAZING." - The Crystal Palace Company should adapt some of Mr.
ANDREW LANG'S article on "Superstition" in this month's _Fortnightly_.
Far more entertaining is the Sydenham building than any amount of
"Crystal-gazing," and the directors have only to say (we make them
a Christmas present of the suggestion), quoting from the article
above-mentioned, "it is an ascertained fact that a certain proportion
of men and women, educated, healthy," &c., &c., can obtain curious
information, combined with amusement, by looking into the Crystal ...
Palace.

* * * * *

EXAMPLE OF "BURNING WORDS." - Lighting the dining-room fire with the
torn pages of an old book.

* * * * *

[Illustration: OUR COSTLY CLIMATE.

"HULLO? OFF OUT OF TOWN SOMEWHERE?"

"OFF TO CAIRO, MY BOY!"

"CAIRO? WHY, ONLY THE OTHER DAY YOU TOLD ME YOU WERE AS POOR AS A
CHURCH MOUSE!"


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Online LibraryVariousPunch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 105 December 16, 1893 → online text (page 1 of 3)