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* * * * *

Punch, or the London Charivari

Volume 105, December 9, 1893.

_edited by Sir Francis Burnand_

* * * * *




[Illustration: JUVENILE PESSIMISM.

_First Youthful Reprobate._ "'SAY, BILLY, 'AVE YER GOT SECHA THING AS
A BIT O' 'BACCA ABOUT YER?"

_Second Y. R._ "AIN'T 'AD SO MUCH AS A W'IFF SINCE LARST TOOSDAY
FORTNITE!"

_First Y. R._ "AH! WOT A WORLD! EH?"]

* * * * *

OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.

A perusal of Captain LUGARD'S _Rise of our East African Empire_ fills
one with a thrill of pride at being also an Englishman. Captain LUGARD
is a Soldier of Fortune, of the type of _Quentin Durward_, only,
instead of lending his sword to a foreign king, he helps to carve
out empire for England in the very heart of Africa. This is, however,
merely an accident. He reached Massowah bent upon joining the Italian
forces then fighting against the Abyssinians. This journey was
undertaken for what, to my Baronite's peace-loving disposition, is
the oddest reason in the world. Finding himself with his regiment
at Gibraltar in December 1888, his health shattered in the Burmah
campaign, Captain LUGARD came to the conclusion that nothing would do
him good except a little fighting. So, with £50 in his belt, and no
outfit except his rifle, he got on board the first passing ship, and
sailed whithersoever it chanced to be going. This turned out to be
Naples, a fortunate stroke, since Italy was the only nation that
chanced at the moment to be at war. Captain LUGARD'S efforts to obtain
permission to join the expeditionary force, made first at Rome, and
afterwards at Dogali, were unsuccessful. He drifted into East Africa,
and finally reached Uganda, with which territory, particularly
interesting just now, much of the book is concerned. It is impossible
even to hint at the marvellous adventures through which he made his
way. They were accomplished with marvellous endurance and superb
courage, the picturesque narrative being written with charming
modesty. No more stirring story has been told in recent years than
Messrs. BLACKWOOD publish in these two handsome volumes, profusely
illustrated and enriched with maps.

A few hints to those about to marry in _Courtship and Marriage_, by
ANNIE SWAN. Miss ANNIE SWAN is a Duck!

The latest "Outs" published by "INNES" are _The Dainty Books_, a
charming series, containing some very pretty stories; that of a little
girl, always aiming at dramatic effects, in _A Hit and a Miss_, by the
Hon. EVA KNATCHBULL-HUGESSEN, is most amusingly told, and The _Lily
and the Water Lily_ is a delicate flowery romance by Mrs. A. COMYNS
CARR, in which flowers and fairies talk and act for the benefit of
some little children.

Those who have bad memories should get the _Dictionary of Quotations_,
compiled by Rev. JAMES WOOD. It is not a Stock Exchange memorandum,
but a compilation of more than the usual stock quoted from various
writers.

Distinguished for his art gems, RAPHAEL TUCK AND SON are as Artful as
ever with their variety show of cards and booklets.

In consequence of the high price of coals this winter, FAULKNER &
CO. have turned our eyes to summer flowers and pictures. Winter being
summarily dismissed, is not on the cards.

A splendid collection of _Good Words_ for 1893, published by ISBISTER,
and edited by DONALD MACLEOD, D.D.; in it will be found a serial story
by EDNA LYALL. "To Right the Wrong," which proves how wrong it is to
write, - but read this, and right through, says the

BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.

* * * * *

HOW TO WRITE A CHEAP CHRISTMAS NUMBER.

_From Editor to Contributor._ - We are going to have a seasonable
extra, but can't go to any unnecessary expense. Want a story of the
old kind. Snow, ice, hunting, and plum pudding. Scene must be laid in
an antiquated country-house, to bring in picture of "Downderry Grange
by Moonlight." Can you manage it?

_From Contributor to Editor._ - Just the thing ready to hand. Scene
Burmah, but can easily bring all the characters to Loamshire. Central
incident. Heroine run over by a wild elephant, easily changed into an
accident on the railway. Have you any blocks you can send me?

_From Editor to Contributor._ - Sending you heaps of cuts by the
parcels post. Choose those you like best, and return the remainder.
Isn't railway incident rather stale? Better stick to elephant.
Possibly introduce a topical tone. Think you will find in parcel a
sketch of the bombardment of Rio. Do your best.

_From Contributor to Editor._ - Thanks for packet of blocks. I have
kept half a dozen. Have found a fellow who will do for a hero. Only
drawback he's always changing his personal appearance. However, can
make him an amateur detective. Wrong about the bombardment of Rio. No
picture of that incident. Think you must have taken "Illumination of
Jammeripore, on the occasion of the Queen's Jubilee," for it. Can work
in _that_, as it will do for one of my Burmese scenes. Rough sketch
of plot. Hero in love with heroine, who is left alone in lonely
manor-house. She meets him in a circus, where he rescues her from an
infuriated elephant. Brings in three blocks nicely. Hard at work.

_From Editor to Contributor._ - Afraid I must ask you to send
back blocks you have selected. Appears I promised them to another
Contributor, who had written up to them a story called, "Farmer
Foodle's Visit to the Cattle Show." However, retain the Jubilee
illumination, as he says he doesn't want it. Sending you fresh parcel.

_From Contributor to Editor._ - Rather annoyed, as I was getting on
capitally. EDWIN and ANGELINA, on their escape from the mad elephant,
were seeking shelter under the Adelphi Arches. Now come a lot of
pictures of the French Revolution! However, will do my best.

_From Editor to Contributor._ - You are such a good-natured fellow,
it's a shame to bother you. Find I had promised another chap those
revolutionary subjects. He has written a story up to them, called
"Nettleby's Nightmare." Have sent you a heap more in exchange.

_From Contributor to Editor._ - It's really too bad! I had put EDWIN in
the Conciergerie and ANGELINA was trying to bribe ROBESPIERRE. And
now you have altered it all! And what am I to do with a picture which
seems to be an advertisement of somebody's shirts? Haven't you made
another mistake. However, I have got on as fast as I can, and put a
heap of subjects in a mad scene. EDWIN'S brain breaks down, and he has
visions of lots of things, inclusive of some wedding-cakes.

_From Editor to Contributor._ - You are quite right. I _did_ make a
mistake. The last packet of blocks were put into my room by mistake.
Please return them at once - they are required for the advertisements.
Better send in your story as it is, and then I will find something
appropriate. Why _will_ you live in the country? If you were here, you
could settle the whole matter in two twos.

_From Contributor to Editor._ - I stay in the country because I can't
get inspiration in town. And that's my affair, and not your's. Pardon
this tone of irritation, but I hate altering a story after once
panning out the plot. However, I have obeyed your orders. EDWIN and
ANGELINA are born in Burmah (they are cousins), and are taken to an
old English country-house. Then they are told by an old crone
the story of their parents' past. That brings in all the French
revolutionary business. Then I get in the detective part, with a
reference to the undiscovered crime in Cannon Street. You will see it
is all right.

_From Editor to Contributor._ - I have read it, and heartily
congratulate you. Just what we wanted. What do you call it?

_From Contributor to Editor._ - "A Lovely Devonshire Rose." It seems to
me neat and appropriate; or, as it is a story for Christmas, how will
"A Ray of Arctic Sunlight" do?

_From Editor to Contributor._ - "A Ray of Arctic Sunlight" is better
for Yule Tide. I have got the very blocks for the illustrations.
Belonged to a book called _Travels in the Soudan and Syria_. Could not
have found anything more appropriate if I had searched for centuries.
I enclose a little cheque, and offer thousands of thanks for all
the trouble you have taken. It is no idle form when I wish you the
happiest of Christmasses and the most prosperous of New Years!

_From Contributor to Editor._ - Reciprocation of seasonable
compliments. But I say - hang it - you might have made it guineas!

* * * * *

[Illustration: PARLIAMENTARY FOOTBALL MATCH. - "FOWLER'S FINE
SINGLE-HANDED RUN." - (_See page 267._)]

* * * * *

[Illustration: A DILEMMA.

_Young Sportsman_ (_to his small nephew, the Parson's son_). "HELLO!
JIMMIE! WHY DON'T YOU COME OUT ON THE PONY? YOU'LL NEVER BE A MAN IF
YOU DON'T HUNT."

_Jimmie._ "NOW LISTEN TO THAT, MOTHER! THERE'S UNCLE JACK SAYS I SHALL
NEVER BE A MAN IF I _DON'T_. THERE'S FATHER SAYS IT'S CRUELTY IF I
_DO_. THEN OLD JOHN SAYS I SHOULD BE LAMING THE PONY; AND YOU SAY THE
PONY WOULD BE LAMING ME! WHAT AM I TO DO?"]

* * * * *

"A SINGLE-HANDED RUN."

["It is interesting to watch the methods of obstruction....
Progress (with the Parish Councils Bill) has been slow enough,
but it is impeded with an artfulness which indicates a
certain division of labour among the different sections of
the Unionist army. The first section includes the Liberal
Unionists, whose _rôle_ is ... to take no overt part in the
game of mere talkativeness; the second is the official Tories,
who mostly hate the Bill ... and lose no opportunity of
expressing a guarded but thoroughly sincere distrust of
every portion of it; the third section consists of the
go-as-you-please Lowtherites - the mere guerillas, who
are allowed to obstruct as much and as long as they
please." - _"House and Lobby" in the "Daily Chronicle."_]

(_Rough, and rather amateurish, reporter's mems. picked up on
the St. Stephen's Football Grounds during the progress of the
big match, Midlothian United_ v. _Unionists. See illustration,
p. 266._)

Football at St. Stephen's looking up! Fine exponents of the Rugby
game. Strong combinations, "Midlothian United" and "Unionists" met to
decide great - postponed - fixture. Though weather favourable, failed
somehow to attract the large crowd usual at matches between these two
"sides" of far-famed amateurs. Enthusiastic followers of the game,
however, who turned up in adequate numbers, rewarded by sight of good,
if slow and unexciting game. Both sides well represented, and the
homesters, who won the toss, played first half from pavilion end of
ground, having wind, which was blowing across ground, a trifle in
their favour.

"Midlothian United," famous team, better known as "GLADSTONE'S Men,"
play well together, and are strong lot, though less speedy perhaps
than their opponents. "Unionists" indeed (made up from two admirable
teams at one time opponents) an extremely clever, not to say artful,
combination. As pick of anciently opposed sides, wonderful how well
they are together, and how unselfishly they play the game. "Midlothian
United" team (which has undergone numerous changes of late) also
fairly well together, and admirably captain'd.

From kick-off, ball was well returned, and play settled down in
homesters' territory. Later, game of very equal character, each side
looking like scoring, but nothing definite obtained before half time.
Game then ruled a bit slow. Showing good combination, the visitors'
forwards caused home-side some anxiety. Forwards, however, played
very self-denying game, and game largely confined to the half
and three-quarter backs, and in this visitors had advantage, as
"Midlothian United" do not so greatly shine in this phase of game,
whereas, among their opponents, BOWLES, LONG, LOWTHER, and one or two
more, very smart and tricky. FOWLER, however, the great Midlothian
forward, played with fine combination of energy and judgment, made
some fine runs, and proved vastly effective in scrum. BALFOUR,
GOSCHEN, and H. JAMES, played very artfully indeed, and "tackled"
strongly, and although that mighty forward CHAMBERLAIN less prominent
than usual, still, in doggerel of football-field, it may be said that,

JOE, the Brum,
Shines in scrum.

Later BOWLES, TOMLINSON, STANLEY, LEIGHTON, LOWTHER, and HANBURY,
were very active for the "Unionists," though one or two of them seemed
sometimes "within measurable distance" of being pulled up for fouls.
COLLINGS once made tracks but failed to pass RIGBY, who throughout
played a sound game at back for the Midlothianites. Not to be denied,
the "Unionists" again advanced to the attack, LONG and LEIGHTON
especially being conspicuous. FOWLER deprived latter, but BALFOUR and
CHAMBERLAIN rushing up relieved. Fast and even play then became
order, the ball being taken from one end of ground to other with great
rapidity. FOWLER broke up a determined attack by "Unionists." From a
hot scrum he got possession, and put in a fine single-handed run right
down centre of ground, closely pursued by those determined tacklers,
BALFOUR, JAMES, GOSCHEN, and the redoubtable Brum, when - -

[_Here the reporter's mems. abruptly terminate, and it is
presumed they were dropped - actually or metaphorically - by the
evidently amateur scribe._

* * * * *

DIABOLUS EX MACHINA. - Dynamiting Anarchism.

* * * * *

UNDER THE ROSE.

(_A Story in Scenes._)

SCENE XVIII. - _The Drawing-room, as before. The door opens, and_
PH[OE]BE _appears_.

_Ph[oe]be_ (_to_ Mrs. TOOVEY). If you please, ma'am, Mrs.
CUMBERBATCH - -

_Mrs. Toovey_ (_in a rapid whisper_). Not here, PH[OE]BE! Show her
into the study - anywhere. Say I'll come!

_Ph[oe]be._ She said she hadn't time to come in, m'm; she left her
compliments, and just called to let you know the Banana Meeting will
be next Friday. And oh, if you please, m'm, I wished to ask you
about that dress you wore last Saturday. I've tried everything, and
I _can't_ get the smell of tobaccer out of it, do what I _will_, m'm.
(_To herself._) That'll teach her not to accuse me of hiding followers
downstairs!

_Althea_ (_to herself_). Mine had to be left all night in a thorough
draught. Where _could_ Mamma have been, unless - - ?

_Mrs. Toov._ (_with dignity_). I came home in a smoky cab, and you
know perfectly well this is not the place to ask me such questions.
Leave the room!

_Ph[oe]be_ (_to herself, as she leaves_). A smoky cab indeed! There's
no smoke without fire - as Master will find out before long!

_Charles._ Had your cabman been giving a smoking party inside his
fourwheeler, or what, Aunt?

_Mrs. Toov._ I don't - yes, I believe he had. He apologised for it;
it - it was his birthday. (_To herself._) Oh, dear me, _what_ makes me
tell these dreadful stories?

_Mr. Toovey._ His birthday! Why, if you remember, CORNELIA, you _said_
the man had been drinking. That would _account_ for it! But did I
understand there was to be _another_ Zenana Meeting, my love? That
seems _rather_ soon, does it not, after having one only last Saturday!

_Mrs. Toov._ (_to herself_). I _must_ go on, or he'll suspect
something. (_Aloud, severely._) And why not, Pa - pray, why not? You
know what an energetic creature Mrs. CUMBERBATCH is! _Can_ we do too
much for those poor benighted heathen women? And there was a great
deal that we had to leave unfinished the other evening.

_Mr. Toov._ Dear me, and you were home so late, too!

_Mrs. Toov._ Perhaps you disbelieve my word, Pa? If you do, _say_ so,
and I shall know what to think! Though _what_ I've done to deserve
such suspicion - -

_Mr. Toov._ (_astounded_). My own love, I never for one single
moment - - Hem, the wife of Cæsar is above suspicion.

_Mrs. Toov._ (_with relief_). I should hope so, THEOPHILUS; not that
you are _Cæsar_ - but there, that is enough of a very painful subject.
Let us say no more about it.

_Curphew_ (_to himself_). I'm more certain every moment that this
immaculate matron is lying like a prospectus, but what can I do? I've
no proof, and if I had, I couldn't bring myself to - - Well, I must
wait, that's all.

_Mrs. Toov._ What _I_ should like to know is, why Mr. CURPHEW still
remains here after we have distinctly informed him that we do not
desire his further acquaintance?

CURPH. Before I go, let me say this: that I have no intention of
giving up your daughter until she gives up me. I am in a position to
marry and support her, and if you refuse your consent, you will only
reduce us to the painful necessity of doing without it.

[ALTHEA _intimates her entire acquiescence in this ultimatum_.

_Mrs. Toov._ We will never consent to give our daughter to a notorious
music-hall singer - _never_!

_Curph._ That objection is easily met. I am no longer a music-hall
singer. I have left the profession for ever; not that I consider
it any disgrace to belong to it, but I prefer to live by my pen in
future. (_To_ Mr. T.) I appeal to _you_, Sir. You had no objection
before; what can you have now?

[Mr. T. _opens his lips inaudibly_.

[Illustration: "Well, Ma'am, this is the _last_ place I expected to
find you in!"]

_Mrs. Toov._ Tell him, Pa, that in the circle in which _we_ move, the
remotest connection with - with a music-hall would be justly considered
as an indelible disgrace.

_Charles_ (_sotto voce_). No, hang it, Uncle! It's no business of
mine, and I'm not going to shove my oar in; but still you know as well
as I do that _you_ can't decently take that line, whatever Aunt may
do!

_Mrs. Toov._ I heard you, CHARLES. So, Pa, there _is_ something you
have been hiding from me? I felt positive there was some mystery about
that box. Now I _will_ know it. ALTHEA, leave us!

_Mr. Toov._ There is nothing she had better not hear - _now_, my love.
It - it's true I would rather have kept it from you, but I'd better
tell you - I'd better tell you. The fact is that, without being in the
least aware of it - I was under the impression I was investing in
a gold-mine - I - I became the proprietor of several shares in the
Eldorado Music-hall.

_Curph._ (_surprised_). You, Sir! you were a shareholder all the time!
Is it possible?

_Mr. Toov._ (_bewildered_). Why, but you _knew_! I consulted you at
the Junction about whether I ought to retain the shares or not, and
you advised me to go and judge for myself!

_Curph._ I assure you I thought we were talking about _my_ connection
with the Eldorado, not yours.

_Mrs. Toov._ So, Pa, by your own story you found yourself in
possession of those horrible wicked shares, and you actually hesitated
what to do! You considered it necessary to - to visit the scene!

_Mr. Toov._ Indeed. I never actually went, my love. And - and Mr.
CURPHEW assured me the establishment was quite respectably conducted,
under the supervision of the London County Council; and then there
was the dividend - seventy per cent. on only five hundred pounds - three
hundred and fifty a year, CORNELIA; it - it seemed a pity to give it
up!

_Mrs. Toov._ (_to herself, impressed_). Three hundred and fifty a
year! Why we can keep our carriage on it! (_Aloud._) Well, Pa, of
course - as you bought the shares under a misapprehension - and
I'm bound to say _this_ for the Eldorado, that there was nothing
positively objectionable in the performance so far as _I_
could - (_correcting herself hastily_) - have ever been given to
understand - why, I'm the last to blame you.

_Mr. Toov._ (_overjoyed_). Ah, my dear love! I scarcely dared to hope
for this leniency. But I never would have gone - oh, never. Why, I
could never have looked you in the face again if I had!

_Mrs. Toov._ (_with a twinge_). That _depends_, Pa; it is quite
possible to go to such places, and yet - -

_Mr. Toov._ Yes, but you see I _didn't_ go, my dear. I found I
couldn't really bring myself to visit it when it came to the point, so
I went to call on LARKINS instead, as it was on his advice I had taken
the shares, and I told him my difficulty, and he quite sympathised
with my scruples, and most good-naturedly offered to take them off my
hands.

_Mrs. Toov._ But surely, THEOPHILUS, you never gave up three hundred
and fifty a year without so much as consulting Me!

_Charles._ You can't count on such dividends as a certainty, you know,
Aunt, and I've no doubt Uncle got rid of them at a very good figure;
they've been going up like sky-rockets!

_Mrs. Toov._ (_mollified_). Of course if your Uncle did _that_, I - -

_Mr. Toov._ Well, you see, my love, CHARLES very properly pointed out
to me that there was no moral difference between that and keeping the
shares, and - and LARKINS took the same view himself; so (I'm sure,
CORNELIA, you will consider I have only done what was my strict duty!)
I agreed to surrender the shares for just what I paid for them - five
hundred pounds - and my conscience is clear.

_Mrs. Toov._ If it's no clearer than your _head_, Pa - - I never heard
of such downright Quixotism! As if _you_ could be held responsible; as
if anyone here need _know_! I call it folly - sheer ruinous folly!

_Ph[oe]be_ (_opening the door - to_ Mr. T.). A young gentleman to see
you, Sir; says he comes from Mr. LARKINS, with a paper to be filled
up. I've shown him into the study, Sir.

_Mr. Toov._ Ah, to be sure, yes; tell him I'll come. (_To_ Mrs. T.)
It's about those shares; LARKINS said he would send a clerk down to
complete the transfer.

_Mrs. Toov._ So it isn't completed _yet_? Mr. LARKINS has been trying
to get the better of you, Pa; but it's not too late, fortunately.
(_To_ PH[OE]BE.) Show the young man in here. _I_ wish to see him about
this business. (_As_ PH[OE]BE _goes_.) I shall insist on the fair
market value of the shares being paid before you put your signature
to any document whatever; leave this entirely to me, Pa. I _think_ I
shall be a match for any young - -

_Ph[oe]be_ (_returning_). Mr. JANNAWAY.

_Mr. Jann._ (_to_ Mr. TOOVEY). From Mr. LARKINS, Sir. Brought a
transfer-deed for your signature.

_Mrs. Toov._ (_to herself_). Gracious goodness! It's the man whose
ears I boxed at the Eldorado! What _shall_ I do?

[_She seizes the current number of "The Quiver," and retires
behind it._

_Alth._ (_to herself_). He's _awfully_ like the young man in that box
on Saturday! If Mamma really _was_ there! (_She glances at_ Mrs.
T., _in whose hands "The Quiver" is rustling audibly_.) Ah, then I
_wasn't_ mistaken. Oh, how dreadful if he should recognise her!

_Mr. Toov._ My signature? Yes, yes, yes, to be sure, just so; but the
fact is, I - I've been thinking over the matter, and - and - but that
lady by the window will explain my views.

_Mrs. Toov._ (_in a muffled voice, from behind "The Quiver"_). I - I
shall do nothing of the sort. I - I'm busy. Sign whatever the young man
wants, Pa, and don't bother _me_ about it!

_Mr. Jann._ (_to himself_). That's rum. Where have I heard that voice?
And "_Pa_," too! _Very_ rum!

_Mr. Toov._ Oh, very well, my love; I only thought - but I'll sign.
I'll sign. Only, I rather fancy you're sitting just in front of the
writing materials, my dear.

_Mr. Jann._ (_gallantly_). Allow _me_! (_He goes towards_ Mrs. T.'s
_chair. "The Quiver" treacherously collapses at the critical moment;
their eyes meet._) Well, ma'am, this is the _last_ place I expected
to find you in; after 'unting for you the entire Sunday afternoon all
over Upper Tooting, too!

[_General sensation. Tableau._

END OF SCENE XVIII.

* * * * *

THE TYRANNY OF THE UNSUITABLE.

(_A Fragmentary Christmas Tragedy._)

[Illustration]

_The atmosphere of the chamber is heavy with a portentous sense of
paralysing dread; the fire cowers in the grate, cold at its very
heart; the gas-flame shudders with a shuddering not caused by water in
the pipes._ Mr. DREDFERLEY CORNERD, _seated in his arm-chair, glares
at his newspaper with preoccupied and unreceptive eye; while ever
and again his hand passes nervously over his care-lined brow_. Mrs.
DREDFERLEY CORNERD _glances furtively at him through the perforations
of her fancy-work, held between tremulous fingers; her eye is


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Online LibraryVariousPunch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 105 December 9, 1893 → online text (page 1 of 3)