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PUNCH ***




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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

Volume 108, May 18th 1895.

_edited by Sir Francis Burnand_




[Illustration: HOP PROSPECTS.

SAID PULEX THE SKIPPER TO MISS CICADA, "DO YOU EXPECT A GOOD HOPPING
SEASON THIS YEAR?"]

* * * * *

ODE TO A (LONDON) "LARK."

(_Some Way after Quisquis._)

Oh, "lark," which all the "Comiques" sing,
And every drunken rowdy pup, too;
Sure you're a vicious, vulgar thing
As ever toper swigged a cup to.

Hints of the boozy and the blue
Surround you; sodden brains you soften;
Yet rhymsters make a song of you,
And rowdies sing it - far too often.

The aim of every loose-lipped lout
Appears to be to "lark" divinely;
When from his haunts he gets chucked out,
He deems his "spree" has ended finely.

He tracks the "lark" - aye, "like a bird,"
Upon the turf, among its "daisies";
But, by sweet SHELLEY, 'tis absurd,
Foul bird of prey, to pipe your _praises!_

* * * * *

A KIND OFFER. - A lady who is not well up in Parliamentary matters
writes to us saying that she has seen mentioned in the papers "Mr.
Speaker's Retirement Bill," and would very much like to know what the
amount is. Her admiration for the late SPEAKER is so great that, our
fair correspondent goes on to say, she would willingly defray the
whole amount herself, or if the total be too much for her pocket,
then would she cheerfully head a subscription list. She is perfectly
certain that Mr. PEEL was a very moderate man, and therefore the
entire sum cannot be very startling.

* * * * *

RATHER "BOLD ADVERTISEMENT."

["Advertisements for some time past have been inserted in
Government publications." - _Daily Paper._]

SCENE - _Room of a_ Secretary of State. _Present_ Right Hon. Gentleman
_attended by his_ Private Secretary.

_Right Hon. Gentleman._ Well, TENTERFORE, anything for me this
morning?

_Private Secretary._ I think not. You will find that I have worked out
the answers to to-day's questions - the list is not a very heavy one,
only a couple of dozen queries or thereabouts.

_Rt. Hon. Gent._ That's right. Such a lot of time is wasted in that
sort of thing. And has anyone come for me?

_Priv. Sec._ No one of importance. A fellow with a new invention or
something of that sort. Said you were extremely busy just now, but
that if he would write, his letter would receive the attention of the
department.

_Rt. Hon. Gent._ Was he satisfied?

_Priv. Sec._ (_smiling_). Well, I fear not entirely. I think he must
have had some experience of Government offices. He said he preferred
to see you personally.

_Rt. Hon. Gent._ (_amused_). I daresay he would. Anyone else?

_Priv. Sec._ Only a man about advertisements.

_Rt. Hon. Gent._ (_aghast_). You did not send _him_ away?

_Priv. Sec._ Well, no. I believe he is still in the waiting-room. But
surely you don't want to see him?

_Rt. Hon. Gent._ Of course I do. A most important person. Send a
messenger for him at once. (_Exit_ Private Secretary.) That's the
worst of TENTERFORE - so impulsive! Means well, but so very impulsive!
(_Knock._) Ah, here comes my visitor. (_Enter stranger._) My very dear
Sir, I am delighted to see you. (_He shakes hands warmly and
provides him with an arm-chair._) I am sorry you should have been
detained - quite a mistake.

_Stranger_ (_surprised_). You are most kind. I come about some
advertisements.

_Rt. Hon. Gent._ I know, my dear Sir, I know. Now what can I tempt
you with? You arrive at a most fortunate moment. We are thinking of
letting the sides of our cruisers for posters. The Mediterranean fleet
will be a most excellent medium. We can do sixteen double crowns at
a very reasonable rate; of course the Admiral's flag-ship would be a
trifle extra. Is your leading article soap, pickles, or hair-dye?

_Stranger._ I am afraid you do not understand me.

_Rt. Hon. Gent._ Oh yes, I do; but, if you object to marine
advertisements, I think we can suit you on land. We have several
commanding positions on the colours of some of the most popular
regiments in the service vacant. (_Showing plans._) You see we can
insert type - we object to blocks - on the material without interfering
with the badges or the victories. A most admirable medium, I assure
you.

_Stranger._ You really are in error. I wish to say - -

_Rt. Hon. Gent._ (_interrupting_). Yes, I know. You think that
something would be better. Well, we can put advertisements on the
backs of all petitions presented to Parliament, and let you out
hoardings in front of the more prominent of the Government offices.
How would that suit you?

_Stranger._ Really, you must allow me to explain. Advertisements
of matters interesting to mariners - such as notices of wrecks - are
inserted solely in the _London Gazette_ and - -

_Rt. Hon. Gent._ Ah, you are thinking of the sky signs. Well, of
course, we might utilise the lighthouses, but we have not quite made
up our minds whether such a course might not cause confusion in misty
weather.

_Stranger._ I was going to propose that the Government might feel
inclined to insert the advertisements to which I have referred in a
paper with which I am connected, and which is extensively circulated
amongst seafaring men.

_Rt. Hon. Gent._ (_astounded_). You want _me_ to give _you_ an
advertisement! No, Sir; now that we have taken up advertisements we
insert them and don't give them out. (_Enter_ Private Secretary.) Mr.
TENTERFORE, be so good as to explain to this gentleman that my time is
valuable.

[_Scene closes in upon the_ Secretary of State _performing the
now rather miscellaneous duties appertaining to his office._

* * * * *

BRIEF STAY IN LONDON OF THE EMINENT FRENCH NOVELIST. - He has not quite
mastered our idioms, but he has made a pun in English, when saying,
"_J'y suis, moi, Daudet; je pars demain_," _i.e._, "I am here
_Do-day_, and gone to-morrow."

* * * * *

SUGGESTION. - "_The Attaree Khat Tea Co._" is a nice name. Why
not follow with the "_Attaree Khat and Kitten Milk Co._"? Very
attaree-active to some pussons.

* * * * *

MOTTO (ADDRESSED TO FLUTES, HAUTBOYS, &C.) FOR CONDUCTOR OF THE
STRAUSS ORCHESTRA. - "STRAUSS shows how the wind is to blow."

* * * * *

"INFANT PHENOMENON!" - At Drury Lane, the arduous part of _Don Cæsar_
in the opera of _Maritana_ was last Friday played by a CHILD!

* * * * *

WORD OF COMMAND FOR HOSPITAL SUNDAY. - "Present Alms!"

* * * * *

[Illustration: SOCIAL AGONIES.

_Algy._ "COME AND DINE WITH ME WITH ME TO-NIGHT, SNOBBINGTON?"

_Snobbington._ "SORRY TO SAY I CAN'T, OLD CHAPPIE. AFRAID I'VE GO TO
GO AND DINE WITH THAT OLD FOOL, LORD BOREHAM, FOR MY SINS!"

_Lord Boreham_ (_from behind his Newspaper_). "PRAY CONSIDER YOURSELF
EXCUSED THIS EVENING, MR. - - MR. - - A - I FIND I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU BY
SIGHT!"

[_Which is quite true!_
]

* * * * *

'ARRY AND THE NEW WOMAN.

Dear CHARLIE, - 'Ow are you, old shipmate? _I_'ve bin layin' low
for a time.
'Ard years these 'ere Nineties, my nibs, yus, and bizness 'as bin
fur from prime.
All grind and no gay galoot, CHARLIE, of late 'as bin _my_ little
lot;
An' between you and me _and_ the post, I think most things is
going to pot!

It's Newness wot's doing it, CHARLIE! "Lor! _that_'s a rum
gospel," sez you.
Well, p'raps in your green tooral-looral you don't hear so much of
the New;
But in town with New Art, and New Women, New Drammer, New Humour,
and such,
There seems nothink _old_ left in creation, save four-arf, and
DANNEL'S old Dutch.

_She_'s old, and no hapricots, CHARLIE. But DANNEL'S a decentish
sort,
And the way as _she_ lays down the law about up-to-date woman _is_
sport.
'Er nutcrackers clitter and clatter; and when she is fair on the
shout,
Concernin' fresh feminine fashions, you bet it's a reglar knock-out!

I took LIL, DANNEL'S youngest, larst week to the play, with some
tickets I'd got.
Well, paperers mustn't be choosers. But oh, mate, of all the
dashed rot
They ever chucked over the footlights, this 'ere Probblem Play wos
the wust!
It left me with brain discumfuddled, the blues, and a thundering
thust.

It gave poor LIL 'ARRIS the 'orrors. "Lor, 'ARRY," she sez, coming
out,
"They've styged it, no doubt, tol-lol-poppish, but wot _is_ the
'ole thing about?
I feel just as creepy and 'oller, along o' these 'ere warmed-up
ghosts,
As if I'd bin dining on spiders. Eugh! Let's 'ave a glarss at 'The
Posts.'"

It took two 'ot tiddleys to warm 'er. An' when I was blowin' a cloud
A-top o' the tram going 'ome, she sez, "'ARRY," sez she, "_I_
ain't proud,
But don't tyke me never no more to no New Woman nonsense," sez she.
"It's narsty; and not one good snivel _or_ larf in the whole
jamboree.

"I don't call them _people_, I don't." "No; they're probblems,
_Lil_, that's wot _they_ are.
She-probblem a tearin' 'er 'air, whilst the he-probblem sucks 'is
cigar;
Two gurl-probblems sniffing at Marriage, that played-out old
farce - at sixteen! -
I thought we was fair up-to-date, _Lil_, but, bless yer, we're
simply pea-green!"

And when we arrived at Lamb's Conduit Street, old DANNEL 'ARRIS'S
shop,
His old Dutch got fair on the grind, and when started she's orkud
to stop.
"New Woman?" sez she. "_She_'s no clarss, LIL, and don't know a
mite where she are.
Yah! _We_ used to call 'em Old Cats; and a sootabler name, too, by
far.

"There ain't nothink new in _their_ Newness; it's only old garbige
warmed up.
Mere bubble-and-squeak. The stale taters and greens on which poor
people sup
Is 'olesome compared with sich offal. Yah! Weddings'll outlast
_that_ lot;
And while gals is gals the old Eve'll jest make the new evil seem
rot."

The jawsome old guffin wos right, _Charlie_; leastways, she wosn't
fur out.
Yer female footballers and bikers, as swagger and go on the shout,
And spile a good sport _and_ their hancles, are not more complete
off the track
Than them as "revolt" - agin Nature, and cock their she-bokos - at
fack!

All splutter-sludge, CHARLIE! On styge or on cinder-path, sillypop
things
As want to play Man and _be_ Woman are trying to fly without wings,
Or fight without fistes. Are Men, the world's masters - like you,
mate, and Me -
To be knocked out by probblems in petticoats? Wot bloomin'
fiddle-de-dee!

The Old Dutch, and young LIL, and myself are all much of a mind on
this job.
Old 'ARRIS sez men are not in it. _He_ don't mean it, I'll bet a
bob.
It ain't very likely, not now, that Yours Scrumptiously ever
_will_ marry;
But _if_ I should tyke a Old Woman, it won't be no New Woman!

'ARRY.

* * * * *

[Illustration: _Edith._ "I DON'T BELIEVE JACK WILL EVER LEARN TO
DANCE!"

_Alice_ (_whose dress has suffered_). "WORSE THAN THAT - HE WILL NEVER
LEARN NOT TO ATTEMPT IT!"]

* * * * *

FAIR CHILDREN IN GRAFTON STREET.

A splendid show, though some of the children are neither fair nor
beautiful. Note No. 114, "_The Chinese Boy_," by Sir JOSHUA. He is a
boy, certainly, but his complexion has a mahogany tinge not usually
associated with loveliness. CATHERINE DE MEDICIS, if we may judge by
No. 67, was a plain, decent, housewifely body, with a family of four
horrors, three male and one female, all of whom, eventually, wore
a crown. Can it be possible that _La Reine Margot_ ever looked like
_that?_ If so, the great DUMAS is convicted of gross deceit. For a
screaming farce in oil, let the visitor look at No. 155, "_The Infant
Johnson_," by Sir JOSHUA. Some one has evidently suggested to the
baby lexicographer that he should have a bath. Naturally enough he
is furious at the idea. "Sir," he seems to say, "let us take a
perambulator down Fleet Street, or anywhere else, but let us not
bathe." Can there not be found a companion picture of the mighty
infant in a cheerful mood, prattling out a "What, nurse, are you for a
frolic? Then I'm with you." In a case labelled No. 454 are to be seen
toys, dolls, and playthings found in Children's Tombs in Egypt.
Here, too, is the "_Mummy of a Baby_." "I see the baby," observed an
intelligent child-visitor; "but where is its Mummy? _My_ Mummy never
ties baby up like that."

* * * * *

NOT DUE NORTH. - The _North British Daily Mail_, referring to the
rumour that the Prince of WALES may go to New York in the autumn
to see the contest for the America Cup, says: "There will be better
racing on the Clyde than there was last year. Let the PRINCE come
north at midsummer this year." Very likely the race on the Clyde will
be a good one. But our Scottish contemporary forgets that a visit to
the United States on the part of H.R.H. would be to the advantage of
two races - the American and the British. It would be sure to cause
good feeling on either side of the Atlantic. Why should not Caledonia
wait?

* * * * *

BY OUR OWN CRICKET ON THE HEARTH. - For any ordinary English team to
attempt tackling the Australian Eleven coming over here next season,
would show not so much the merit of the team, but its team-erity.

* * * * *

THE PRIVILEGE OF THE PRESS.

SCENE - _Anywhere_. _Present_, BROWN _and_ JONES.

_Brown_ (_perusing paper_). Capital speech of ARTHUR J. BALFOUR at the
Newspaper Society's Dinner the other evening. His compliments to the
Press were in every way deserved.

_Jones_ (_also reading a journal_). Quite so. I am glad to see that
the admirable publication I am now devouring objects to gambling in
all its branches.

_Brown._ So does this. There is an excellent leader on the fourth page
exposing the scandals of the Stock Exchange.

_Jones._ And here I find on page two a most earnest attack upon the
abuses of the turf.

_Brown._ Such intelligent comments should do a world of good.

_Jones._ I am sure of it. I know, speaking for myself, I feel much
better after perusing a column that might have supplied the pabulum of
a sermon.

_Brown._ Just my case. It really strengthens one's moral perceptions
to come across such noble sentiments. Well, as we have both read the
leaders, let us exchange papers.

_Jones._ With pleasure, only I want just to glance at the latest odds.
This journal gives the latest information on all matters connected
with racing and the turf generally.

_Brown._ Just so, that is why I wanted to read it. Well, I must fill
up the time by looking at the money article. Commend me to the city
editor of this favourite production when you want to have a gentle
flutter!

* * * * *

"KEY-NOTES." - In anticipation of H.R.H. the Prince of WALES visiting
the Isle of Man later in the year, though at present

The Prince of WALES declines, with thanks,
The invitation sent from Manx,

the House of Keys has put every quay on the bunch at His Royal
Highness's disposal for landing.

* * * * *

FLOWER SHOWS AND CITY BUSINESS. - "_Preference Stocks._ Chatham Seconds
_Rose_." What a sweet combination of colour and scent per scent!

* * * * *

EXPECTEDNESS.

"Inevitable" is the new cant phrase, and certain phrases _are_
inevitable, it would seem.

It is inevitable, if you should happen to beg the pardon of one of the
lower middle class, that he (or more generally _she_) will reply with
"Granted!"

It is inevitable, if you converse with a young Oxonian of immature
intellect, that he will murder the QUEEN'S, or (as he would call
it) Quagger's, English by some such expression as "What a beastly
sensagger!" or invite you to "stagger for the dagger" (_i.e._ stay for
the day). But competent authorities are inclined to think that this
laborious form of undergraduate wit, or "wagger," is doomed to speedy
"extigger."

It is inevitable that the would-be smart business person, when
inditing a circular or club notice, will say, "Forward _same_," or, "I
inclose _same_," instead of "_it_," whatever it may happen to be.

It is inevitable that, when 'ARRY wishes to be familiarly polite at
parting, he will take his leave with "So long."

It is inevitable that, when a young City man desires to express his
disapproval of any individual or thing, he will dismiss it as "no
class."

It is inevitable, if you make any surprising or absurd statement to a
Yankee, that his comment thereon will be, "Is that so!"

It is inevitable, if you meet an actor "resting" in the Strand, that
he will ask you to "Name it," and you will proceed to do so (possibly
at your own expense) at one or more of the excellent drinking-bars in
that locality.

* * * * *

[Illustration: A YORKSHIRE GOSSIP.

_First Gossip._ "SO YOU WAS NIVVER AXED TUT FUNERAL?"

_Second Gossip._ "NIVVER AS MUCH AS INSIDE T'HOUSE. BUT NOBBUT WAIT
TILL _WE_ HEV' A FUNERAL OF US OWN, AN' _WE_'LL SHOW 'EM!"]

* * * * *

A-DRESS BY MR. SPEAKER.

["Certain Members object to attending the SPEAKER'S dinner or
_levées_ in full dress."]

_Mr. Speaker._

"Oh, ye must walk in silk attire,
And swords and buckles wear,
Gin ye wad come to dine wi' me,
Or tend my _levées_ mair."

_The Members._

"Oh, what's to us your silken show,
And swords and buckles smart? -
And if you still insist upon 't,
Then you and we must part!"

_Mr. Speaker._

"Then ye shall come in what attire
It suits ye best to wear,
Gin ye 'll consent to mind the Whip,
Nor plague the Party mair."

* * * * *

WORTHY OBJECT. - It is encouraging to hear of a "_Mission to Deep Sea
Fishermen_." The deeper the sea-fishermen are, the more necessary is
the mission. These Deep Sea-Fishermen are generally supposed to be
able to look after their own soles; but now they will receive aid in
their work. As the Bishop of LIVERPOOL is a prominent patron of this
good work, it may be taken for granted that most of these deep 'uns
are fishermen in his Lordship's See.

* * * * *

AN ACQUITTAL. - With what a sense of relief does a _bon vivant_ who has
been brought up by Corporal AILMENT before the Doctor's Court Martial
hear the verdict of "Not Gouty!"

* * * * *

LAW IN BLANK.

(_A Natural Development of the Modern System of Suppression._)

SCENE - _Interior of one of the Royal Courts. Customary
occupants and surroundings._ Witness _in the box undergoing
cross-examination_.

_First Counsel._ And now will you give me the name of the person you
met on that occasion?

_Second Counsel._ I do not wish to interfere without reason; but
surely it is unnecessary to introduce third parties into this inquiry.

_Witness._ Perhaps I might follow the plan I adopted in my
examination-in-chief and write the name on a piece of paper?

_The Judge._ That seems a reasonable course to pursue.

_First Counsel._ As your Lordship pleases. Then be so good as to give
me the name as suggested. (Witness _complies_.) Thank you. (_After
reading the paper._) Do you spell the name with a final "e"?

_Second Counsel._ Really, my learned friend is carrying matters too
far. If the anonymity of third parties is to be preserved, such a
leading question would reveal the identity at once.

_The Judge._ I suppose you mean that the query about the final "e"
would indicate that the veiled name was "BROWNE."

_Second Counsel._ Quite so, my lord; that is a conclusion that would
be accepted by persons of the most ordinary intelligence.

_First Counsel._ But as a matter of fact, the name to which I refer
is certainly neither BROWN nor BROWNE. I will submit the paper to your
lordship.

_The Judge_ (_after perusing the slip which has been handed to him by
an usher_). Dear me! I am greatly surprised!

_Foreman of the Jury._ May we, my lord, learn the name?

_First Counsel._ So far as I am concerned, I shall be only too pleased
to allow the Gentlemen of the Jury to have the fullest information on
the point.

_Second Counsel._ If I object, it is not because I have not the
greatest confidence in the Jury's discretion, but simply as a matter
of principle.

_First Counsel._ I do not see how the affair is a matter of principle,
but if my learned friend objects I have no wish to push the point
further. (_Turning to_ Witness.) And now, where did you meet this
person whose name we have arranged to leave undiscovered?

_Witness._ Perhaps you will allow me to write the locality on a piece
of paper and pass it round?

_The Judge._ I think we may do that.

_First Counsel._ As your Lordship pleases. (_Course suggested
pursued._) And now, have you ever seen any one else on the subject?

_Witness._ Certainly. (_Produces a scroll._) Here is a list. I have
purposely written their names in shorthand, so that they may only be
recognised by those who have a knowledge of PITMAN'S method.

_The Judge._ Certainly.

_First Counsel._ And that, my Lord, is my case.

[_Sits down._

_The Judge._ And now, Gentlemen, before we proceed further, I would
like to make a suggestion. When we commenced this trial we arranged
that the names of the Plaintiff and Defendant should not be made
public. Since then it seems to me that we should learn them. What do
you say, Gentlemen?

_Foreman of the Jury._ We share your Lordship's curiosity.

_The Judge_ (_addressing Counsel_). You hear.

_First Counsel_ (_after consultation with his opponent_). My Lord, I
need scarcely say that both my friend and myself are most anxious
to meet the wishes of your Lordship. But as this is a point of great
importance to our clients, we should like to have an opportunity
of consulting them. No doubt the names asked for might only have a
limited circulation - be known only to your Lordship and the Gentlemen
of the Jury. Still there are objections to even so partial a
publication as I have shadowed forth which make it most desirable
that we should have an opportunity of giving the matter our fullest
consideration. Perhaps we might adjourn until to-morrow morning?

_The Judge._ Oh, certainly, certainly.

[_Court consequently adjourns to meet the necessities of the
situation._

* * * * *

MOTTO FOR THE VINEYARD PROPRIETORS IN A CERTAIN CHAMPAGNE
DISTRICT. - "Make Ay while the sun shines."

* * * * *

[Illustration: THE OLD CRUSADERS!

THE DUKE OF ARG-LL AND MR. GL-DST-NE "BROTHERS IN ARMS" AGAIN!

BULGARIA, 1876. ARMENIA, 1895.]

* * * * *

NEURALGIA.

What do I care if sunny Spring
Come now at last with balmy weather?
What do I care for anything?
I hate existence altogether.
It makes me almost mad, in truth,
This awful aching in my tooth.

What do I care for wealth or fame,
Or woman's charms the most entrancing?
Despised or loved, it's all the same.
You would not catch me even glancing
At any face you ever saw;
I'm only thinking of my jaw.

What do I care if Trunks are low,
Argentines flat, Home Rails neglected?
Though mines may come and mines may go,
I'm indescribably dejected.
They may be, I am, "dull" and "weak."
Confound my throbbing, swollen cheek!

What do I care which party's in,
To take more pennies from my income,
Or, if from tax on beer or gin,
Or milk and water extra "tin" come?
My thoughts are "in another place";
This aching spreads throughout my face.

What do I care for any play,
For dance or dinner, song or supper?
With pangs like these I can't be gay.
They spread from lower jaw to upper,


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Online LibraryVariousPunch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 108, May 18th, 1895 → online text (page 1 of 2)