Various.

Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 109, July 6, 1895 online

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houses. Shock very short, but exceedingly severe. In bed all
day. Large bruise on forehead. Headache, &c." There must be many
interesting entries of this kind in diaries which will afford valuable
material for Mr. DAVISON'S work. As to "notice of future earthquakes,"
which he requests, perhaps the Meteorological Office, the Geological
Society and Zadkiel will kindly oblige with probable dates and other
information.

* * * * *

WIZARD AND WITTLES. - Long life to the Glasgow Sir Walter Scott
Club! It "promotes the study of Sir WALTER'S life and writings, and
encourages a more familiar acquaintance with the localities rendered
classic by his pen." Ninety members set off the other day to
Edinburgh, and drove in four-in-hands to the "beechy grove" at
Melville Castle, the Esk and DRUMMOND'S Hawthornden, and then on to
the castle and chapel at Roslin. Lunch at Dalkeith, dinner at the
Balmoral Hotel at Edinburgh, and back rejoicing at eventide to Glasgy,
"after the happiest and most successful excursion in the history of
the club." This is the way to keep up the dignity of literature. Far
better than knighthoods! An excursion "under the presidency of the
genial Sheriff SPENS," too; no Sheriff SAVES _this_ time; and a dinner
at the Balmoral to wind up - it's a Talisman to make the heart of
Midlothian leap up!

* * * * *

A MUSICAL TREAT. A PRONOUNCEMENT AND A HINT. - Herr NIKISCH'S
performance is so brilliant, and has so much real fire in it, as to
have given rise to the suggestion that, to express the _diablerie_ of
his effects, both syllables of his name should be short, and that his
style should be henceforward known as the "Old Nickish" manner. When
the chance recurs, go and hear the symphony by TSCHAIKOWSKY. Only be
prepared. To pronounce this name correctly you must take pungent snuff
and sneeze violently while trying to utter the word "Whisky." Take
care to have a medical man ready at hand; also a tailor, with needle,
thread, and buttons.

* * * * *

FROM the _South Wales Daily News_: -

As Groom, Coachman, or Groom-Gardener, plain; wife good Cook;
or otherwise, if required. Good references.

"Or otherwise, if required," is delicious. She would be a bad cook or
an indifferent one "if required." So convenient!

* * * * *

Half-and-Half.

(_After Reading some recent Political Speeches._)

Although in the queer Party story
There's many a turn, and many a twist;
_'Tis_ strange to see JOSEPH half Tory,
And SALISBURY half Socialist!

* * * * *

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY M.P.

[Illustration: Jesse, the Pilot-Engine, clears the Line!]

_House of Commons, Monday, June 24._ - Back to-day from the booming
Baltic to wan Westminster. Given up the company of Kings and Queens
which formed Don CURRIE'S daily fare; descended to level of Commons.
And what a state of things to come back to! Left less than a fortnight
ago, with House in almost comatose state. Even the Busy B's had ceased
to hum. TANNER no longer disturbed at hour of midnight by poignant
curiosity as to when the Dook would retire. SILOMIO, his head bandaged
after latest buffeting by EDWARD GREY and SYDNEY BUXTON, temporarily
silent. ALPHEUS CLEOPHAS for awhile content with management of House
by "my right hon. friend the CHANCELLOR OF EXCHEQUER." In a moment,
in the twinkling of ST. JOHN BRODRICK'S eye, crisis and chaos come.
Ministry blown up with charge of cordite, surreptitiously brought in;
concealed under Front Opposition Bench; fired in the dinner hour.

"Cordite?" said TOMLINSON. "What is this cordite they're all talking
about? Thought it was something they made trousers of."

"No, no," said Private HANBURY, up in all military matters. "You're
thinking of corduroy."

House crowded from furthest bench of side galleries to gangway steps
on floor. A buzz of excitement completes fulness of chamber. Only
two empty seats. These on front benches, where SQUIRE OF MALWOOD
and PRINCE ARTHUR were wont to face each other. JOSEPH'S seat below
gangway filled by COURTNEY, who, in honour of occasion, has put on a
white waistcoat and a smile. Wears both throughout proceedings. A loud
cheer welcomes arrival of PRINCE ARTHUR looking graver than usual.
Three minutes later another rings forth, and the SQUIRE OF MALWOOD
enters with slow step and countenance set, suitable to the obsequies
of an assassinated Ministry. JESSE COLLINGS comes in; startled by
cheer from Irish Members.

"JOE'S not far off," said TIM HEALY, grimly. "In times like these
sends JESSE on ahead, like the pilot-engine that goes before CZAR'S
train. If there were any murderous plot on hand, by JUSTIN MCCARTHY or
any other brigand, the blameless figure of JESSE would be blown into
space, and JOSEPH would proceed on his journey with his hair
unsinged."

On stroke of half-past three SQUIRE OF MALWOOD made formal
announcement of familiar fact that Government had resigned; THE
MARKISS had been sent for; Ministers kept their places only till their
successors were appointed.

"I would ask leave to say," the SQUIRE, with unwonted tremor in his
voice, observed, bringing to close his brief, business-like speech,
"that for every man who has taken part in the noble conflict of
Parliamentary life, the chiefest of all ambitions, whether in a
majority or in a minority, must be to stand well with the House of
Commons."

How in this respect the Leader of the House through two Sessions of
peculiar difficulty stands with both tides, testified to by a ringing
cheer, repeated when PRINCE ARTHUR, who always does these things well,
voiced the common feeling as he recognised in the blushing SQUIRE "one
of the greatest ornaments of this House."

"That's all very well, TOBY," said the SQUIRE, when I offered him
my congratulations on deliverance from a situation long become
intolerable. "You put it prettily. But I hope the experience of the
last fortnight will be a lesson to you. You hadn't been gone a week
and two days when the cordite bomb was exploded. Never forget what you
must have learned in your nursery kennel:

When the dog's away,
The rats will play."

All business set aside. All Bills dropped save Seal Fisheries. This
Cap'en TOMMY BOWLES, master of himself though Ministers fall, proceeds
to discuss as calmly as if nothing had happened. Whilst other Members
already have their eyes on their constituencies and their faces
towards the door, TOMMY, buttonholing Time as it were with his hooked
arm, leisurely discusses the close season for Seal Fishing.

_Business done._ - The Government's.

_Tuesday._ - House met again, expecting further particulars about the
Ministerial crisis. Benches full, but not so crowded as yesterday.
Again the SQUIRE, PRINCE ARTHUR, and JOSEPH absent. The two latter not
expected. When they reappear they will sit side by side on Treasury
Bench. But where was the SQUIRE?

Preliminary business finished. House waiting for next move. Must be
made by SQUIRE. Where was he? Members tossed about on seats. All
eyes strained towards space behind SPEAKER'S chair, whence Ministers
approaching Treasury Bench emerge. Minutes passed; SQUIRE still
tarried. Horrible rumour that cordite had done fresh stroke of work.
FREDERICK MILNER said he distinctly heard sound of explosion in
neighbourhood of room of Leader of House. Another report was that
SQUIRE had been kidnapped, shipped off to distant colony by direction
of new SECRETARY OF STATE. Whilst probability of these wild guesses
balanced, SQUIRE entered, whole and hale. Had been waiting to hear
from THE MARKISS. Nothing had come, so must adjourn.

_Business done._ - House adjourned.

[Illustration: THEIR NEW SUITS.

_Admiral G-sch-n._ "Oh, I say, Joey old man, what a comical costume!
It does make me laugh!"

_Colonial Ch-mb-rl-n._ "Well, hang it, Jokey old boy, _you_ can't say
much!"]

_Wednesday._ - All settled: SQUIRE announces that MARKISS has
undertaken to form new Ministry. Writs moved for elections to fill
vacancies consequent on acceptance of office. Amongst them West
Birmingham, JOSEPH having undertaken to care for the Colonies.
Prospect of "Our JOE," as SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE affectionately
calls him, sitting in Cabinet Council with THE MARKISS, strangely
moves House. Irish Members in particular give vent to feelings in
cries that forebode lively times for new Minister.

House lost crowded appearance of earlier days of week. Interest
already transferred to constituencies. GORST among absentees. SARK
looking for him everywhere. Been reading article in magazine where
GORST writes: - "A lady resident in East London informed me that she
once knew a man who was attending fourteen doctors at the same time.
The man died."

SARK wants to know what was the matter with the doctors? Why the man
was attending them? And whether this is cited as case of overwork, or
of death resulting from infectious disease?

The worst of SARK is that his curiosity is almost feminine in its
intensity.

_Business done._ - Foundation stones of new Ministry laid.

[Illustration: Cap'en Tommy Casabianca Bowles.]

_House of Lords, Thursday._ - Quite a crowded House. THE MARKISS, not
seen in his place since he became Prime Minister, now there faced by
ROSEBERY. Large attendance and eager interest explained by attempt to
purloin Seals of SECRETARY OF STATE FOR WAR. In dim and distant future
this likely to rank with the Diamond Necklace Affair. SARK, who has
been reading Radical newspapers on incident, tells me all about it.

As soon as Vote of Censure passed on CAWMELL-BANNERMAN, MARKISS became
possessed of uncontrollable passion for instant possession of his
seals of office. How was it to be done? CAWMELL a Scotchman; not
easy to get loose property out of his grip. MARKISS, instinct with
influences of spacious times of Queen ELIZABETH, not to be trifled
with. Clapped his hands. Enter faithful henchman, one SCHOMBERG. A
stoutly-built man of herculean strength, bowed legs, grizzled beard,
short thick hair like hand-spikes standing up above pair of ears
resembling nothing so much as Tower Bridge when, in opening, either
flap stands out at angle of forty-five degrees. A certain piquancy
given to his features by front tooth protruding like tusk of wild
boar.

"SCHOMBERG," said THE MARKISS, hoarsely, "I want CAWMELL-BANNERMAN'S
Seals. His address is 6, Grosvenor Place, S.W. He comes home late,
with a latch-key. Take twenty stout fellows, as like yourself as the
country produces. Await his coming. Take the Seals. If he resists, a
slit weasand will scarcely be noticed in a population of (according to
the last census) 4,349,166. _But bring the Seals._"

That is SARK'S idea of the episode after reading the papers. THE
MARKISS'S version differs in some details.


_Business done._ - THE MARKISS, challenged by ROSEBERY, says new
Ministry have no policy at present. However, since ROSEBERY seems
anxious on point, will send over to WHITELEY'S and see what can be
done.

* * * * *

[Illustration: SUNDERED LIVES.

_Bertie._ "I THOUGHT YOU TWO NEVER MET WITHOUT KISSING. ANYTHING THE
MATTER? THE GREEN-EYED MONSTER?"

_Muriel._ "NO, YOU SILLY! HATS!"]

* * * * *

A DISCOVERY IN LIQUEURS.

SIR, - You remember _Mr. Squeers's_ system of theoretical and practical
teaching, "'_W-i-n-d-e-r-s_.' Go and clean 'em"? Of course you do; and
if the quotation is not letter perfect, it is its "spirit," which is
more suited to my present theme, at all events. Well, Sir, "them's
my principles." Accordingly, after reading your advice as to taking a
Summer Sunday trip to Calais and back by _Calais-Doûvres_, or one of
the large boats in L. C. and D. service, I acted upon it, and went.
The _trajet_ was simply perfect! Such weather! Sea so calm! Breeze
refreshing! Company distinguished! Commander WATTELBLED, and First
Lieutenant CARINI, with all hands, waiting to give us (at a price as
fair and moderate as the Channel breeze on this occasion) excellent
refreshment. But to sing their praise is not my point; they do their
duty, and pay it too, as we _voyageurs_ have to do, on cigars,
teas, and tobacco. I had time to refer to hotel's list of wines and
liqueurs, and among the latter there appeared a name which brought
tears to the eyes of the wanderer far from his English home; and that
name, Sir, coming after "Kümmel, and Marasquin, and Whisky," was "_Old
Tom-Gim_" - "Tom Gi_m_" with an "m." How far superior to "Gin" with an
"n." It brought to mind early days of catechism, "_M. or N., as the
case may be_." This was a case of liqueurs. How preferable the soft
liquid "_m_" to the less soft "_n_" in making "_Gin_" into "_Gim_"!
And how much one would like to alter the spelling, and make it "_Old
Tom Jim_." Would he not be seized upon by a French librettist as the
very name, _par excellence_, for a typical Ancient English Mariner in
an opera? Don't you see it? "_Capitaine_ John Smith; _First Mate_ Old
Tom Jim" with song (nautical). _Vive_ Gim! Now, with my discovery,
I regain the good ship, and, once aboard the lugger ... by the way,
there is an eighteen-penny tax now levied by the French on those who
land at Calais. "_Happy Thought._ Don't land." But, _Unhappy Thought_,
if we don't land in the _pas-de-Calais_, the result will be _pas de
déjeuner_. So - "bang goes sax-pence," for "We don't kill a pig every
week."

Yours,
THOMAS LE VIEUX.

P.S. - And another one-and-sixpence extra on landing at Dover! All the
"fun of the fare," eh?

* * * * *




Transcriber's Note


= = represents Old English font.

Page 12: 'Cawmel-Bannerman' corrected to 'Cawmell-Bannerman' (a.k.a.
Campbell-Bannerman, Sir Henry (1836-1908), Scottish statesman, M.P.)

"SCHOMBERG," said THE MARKISS, hoarsely, "I want CAWMELL-BANNERMAN'S
Seals."

* * * * *








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Online LibraryVariousPunch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 109, July 6, 1895 → online text (page 3 of 3)