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VOL. 1.


* * * * *



_In Four Chapters._


[Illustration: H]Haberdashers, continued my friend the boot, are wonderful
people; they make the greatest show out of the smallest stock - whether of
brains or ribbons - of any men in the world. A stranger could not pass
through the village of Ballybreesthawn without being attracted by a shop
which occupied the corner of the Market-square and the main street, with a
window looking both ways for custom. In these windows were displayed sundry
articles of use and ornament - toys, stationery, perfumery, ribbons, laces,
hardware, spectacles, and Dutch dolls.

In a glass-case on the counter were exhibited patent medicines, Birmingham
jewellery, court-plaister, and side-combs. Behind the counter might be seen
Mr. Matthew Tibbins, quite a precedent for country shop-keepers, with
uncommonly fair hair and slender fingers, a profusion of visible linen, and
a most engaging lisp. In addition to his personal attractions, Tibbins
possessed a large stock of accomplishments, which, like his goods, "might
safely challenge competition." He was an acknowledged wit, and retailed
compliments and cotton balls to the young ladies who visited his emporium.
As a poet, too, his merits were universally known; for he had once
contributed a poetic charade to the _Ladies' Almanack_. He, moreover,
played delightfully on the Jews'-harp, knew several mysterious tricks in
cards, and was an adept in the science of bread and butter-cutting, which
made him a prodigious favourite with maiden aunts and side-table cousins.
This was the individual whom fate had ordained to cross and thwart Terence
in his designs upon the heart of Miss Biddy O'Brannigan, and upon whom that
young lady, in sport or caprice, bestowed a large dividend of those smiles
which Terence imagined should be devoted solely to himself.

The man of small wares was, in truth, a dangerous rival, from his very
insignificance. Had he been a man of spirit or corporal consideration,
Terence would have pistolled or thrashed him out of his audacious notions;
but the creature was so smiling and submissive that he could not, for the
life of him, dirty his fingers with such a contemptible wretch. Thus
Tibbins continued flattering and wriggling himself into Miss Biddy's good
graces, while Terence was fighting and kissing the way to her heart, till
the poor girl was fairly bothered between them.

Miss Biddy O'Brannigan, I should have told you, sir, was an heiress, valued
at one thousand pounds in hard cash, living with an old aunt at Rookawn
Lodge, about six miles from Ballybreesthawn; and to this retreat of the
loves and graces might the rival lovers be seen directing their course,
after mass, every Sunday; - the haberdasher in a green gig with red wheels,
and your uncle mounted on a bit of blood, taking the coal off Tibbins's
pipe with the impudence of his air, and the elegant polish of your humble

Matters went on in this way for some time - Miss O'Brannigan not having
declared in favour of either of her suitors - when one bitter cold evening,
I remember it was in the middle of January, we were whipped off our peg in
the hall, and in company with our fellow-labourers, the buckskin
continuations, were carried up to your uncle, whom we found busily
preparing for a ball, which was to be given that night by the heiress of
Rookawn Lodge. I confess that my brother and myself felt a strong
presentiment that something unfortunate would occur, and our forebodings
were shared by the buckskins, who, like ourselves, felt considerable
reluctance to join in the expedition. Remonstrance, however, would have
been idle; we therefore submitted with the best grace we could, and in a
few minutes were bestriding Terence's favourite hunter, and crossing the
country over ditch, dyke, and drain, as if we were tallying at the tail of
a fox. The night was dark, and a recent fall of rain had so swollen a
mountain stream which lay in our road, that when we reached the ford, which
was generally passable by foot passengers, Terence was obliged to swim his
horse across, and to dismount on the opposite side, in order to assist the
animal up a steep clayey bank which had been formed by the torrent
undermining and cutting away the old banks.

Although we had received no material damage, you may suppose that our
appearance was not much improved by the water and yellow clay into which we
had been plunged; and had it been possible, we would have blushed with
vexation, on finding ourselves introduced by Terence in a very unseemly
state, amidst the titters of a number of young people, into the ball-room
at Rookawn Lodge. However, we became somewhat reassured, when we heard the
droll manner in which he related his swim, with such ornamental flourishes
and romantic embellishments as made him an object of general interest
during the night.

Matthew Tibbins had already taken the field in a blue satin waistcoat and
nankeen trousers. At the instant we entered the dancing-room, he had
commenced lisping to Miss Biddy, in a tender love-subdued tone, a couplet
which he had committed to memory for the occasion, when a glance of
terrible meaning from Terence's eye met his - the unfinished stanza died in
his throat, and without waiting the nearer encounter of his dreaded rival,
he retreated to a distant corner of the apartment, leaving to Terence the
post of honour beside the heiress.

"Mr. Duffy," said she, accompanying her words with the blandest smile you
can conceive, as he approached, "what a wonderful escape you have had. Dear
me! I declare you are dripping wet. Will you not change your - clothes?"
and Miss Biddy glanced furtively at the buckskins, which, like ourselves,
had got thoroughly soaked. "Oh! by no means, my dear Miss Biddy," replied
Terence, gaily; "'tis only a thrifle of water - that won't hurt them" - and
then added, in a confidential tone, "don't you know I'd go through fire as
well as water for one kind look from those deludin' eyes."

"Shame, Mr. Duffy! how can you!" responded Miss Biddy, putting her
handkerchief to her face to make believe she blushed.

"Isn't it the blessed truth - and don't you know it is, you darling? - Oh!
Miss Biddy, I'm wasting away like a farthing candle in the dog-days - I'm
going down to my snug grave through your cruelty. The daisies will be
growing over me afore next Easther - Ugh - ugh - ugh. I've a murderin' cough
too, and nothing can give me ase but yourself, Miss Biddy," cried Terence

"Hush! they'll hear you," said the heiress.

"I don't care who hears me," replied Terence desperately; "I can't stand
dying by inches this way. I'll destroy myself."

"Oh, Terence!" murmured Miss O'Brannigan.

"Yes," he continued: "I loaded my pistols this morning, and I told Barney
M'Guire, the dog-feeder, to come over and shoot me the first thing he does
in the morning."

"Terence, _dear_, what do you want? What am I to say?" inquired the
trembling girl.

"Say," cried Terence, who was resolved to clinch the business at a word;
"say that you love me."

The handkerchief was again applied to Miss O'Brannigan's face, and a faint
affirmative issued from the depths of the cambric. Terence's heart hopped
like a racket-ball in his breast.

"Give me your hand upon it," he whispered.

Miss Biddy placed the envied _palm_, not on his brows, but in his hand, and
was led by him to the top of a set which was forming for a country dance,
from whence they started off at the rate of one of our modern
steam-engines, to the spirit-stirring tune of "Haste to the Wedding." There
was none of the pirouetting, and chassez-ing, and balancez-ing, of your
slip-shod quadrilles in vogue then - it was all life and action: swing
corners in a hand gallop, turn your partner in a whirlwind, and down the
middle like a flash of lightning.

Terence had never acquitted himself so well; he cut, capered, and set to
his partner with unusual agility; _we_ naturally participated in the
admiration he excited, and in the fullness of our triumph, while brushing
past the flimsy nankeens worn by Tibbins, I could not refrain from
bestowing a smart kick upon his shins, that brought the tears to his eyes
with pain and vexation.

After the dance had concluded, Terence led his glowing partner to a cool
quiet corner, where leaving her, he flew to the side table, and in less
time than he would take to bring down a snipe, he was again beside her with
a large mugful of hot negus, into which he had put, by way of stiffener, a
copious dash of mountain dew.

"How do you like it, my darling?" asked Terence, after Miss Biddy had read
the maker's name in the bottom of the mug.

"Too strong, I'm afraid," replied the heiress.

"Strong! Wake as _tay_, upon my honour! Miss Biddy," cried Mr. Duffy.

(The result of Terence Duffy's courtship will be given in the next

* * * * *


No. IV.

O Dinna paint her charms to me,
I ken that she is fair;
I ken her lips might tempt the bee -
Her een with stars compare,
Such transient gifts I ne'er did prize,
My heart they couldna win;
I dinna scorn my Jeannie's eyes -
But has she ony tin?

The fairest cheek, alas! may fade
Beneath the touch of years;
The een where light and gladness play'd
May soon graw dim wi' tears.
I would love's fires should, to the last,
Still burn as they begin;
And beauty's reign too soon is past,
So - has she ony tin?

* * * * *


Her ladyship, at her last _conversazione_, propounded to PUNCH the
following classical poser: - "How would you translate the Latin words,
_puella_, _defectus_, _puteus_, _dies_, into four English interjections?"
Our wooden Roscius hammered his pate for full five minutes, and then
exclaimed - "A-lass! a-lack! a-well a-day!" Her ladyship protested that the
answer would have done honour to the professor of languages at the London

* * * * *




"GROUND ARMS!" - _Birdcage Walk._

LION. - So! how do you feel now?

UNICORN. - Considerably relieved. Though you can't imagine the stiffness of
my neck and legs. Let me see, how long is it since we relieved the

LION. - An odd century or two, but never mind that. For the first time, we
have laid down our charge - have got out of our state attitudes, and may sit
over our pot and pipe at ease.

UNICORN. - What a fate is ours! Here have we, in our time, been compelled to
give the patronage of our countenance to all sorts of rascality - have been
forced to support robbery, swindling, extortion - but it won't do to think
of - give me the pot. Oh! dear, it had suited better with my conscience, had
I been doomed to draw a sand-cart!

LION. - Come, come, no unseemly affectation. _You_, at the best, are only a
fiction - a quadruped lie.

UNICORN. - I know naturalists dispute my existence, but if, as you unkindly
say, I am only a fiction, why should I have been selected as a supporter of
the royal arms?

LION. - Why, you fool, for that very reason. Have you been where you are for
so many years, and yet don't know that often, in state matters, the greater
the lie the greater the support?

UNICORN. - Right. When I reflect - I have greater doubts of my truth, seeing
where I am.

LION. - But here am I, in myself a positive majesty, degraded into a
petty-larceny scoundrel; yes, all my inherent attributes compromised by my
position. Oh, Hercules! when I remember my native Africa - when I reflect on
the sweet intoxication of my former liberty - the excitement of the
chase - the mad triumph of my spring, cracking the back of a bison with one
fillip of my paw - when I think of these things - of my tawny wife with her
smile sweetly ferocious, her breath balmy with new blood - of my playful
little ones, with eyes of topaz and claws of pearl - when I think of all
this, and feel that here I am, a damned rabbit-sucker -

UNICORN. - Don't swear.

LION. - Why not? God knows, we've heard swearing enough of all sorts in our
time. It isn't the fault of our position, if we're not first-rate

UNICORN. - That's true: still, though we are compelled to witness all these
things in the courts of law, let us be above the influence of bad example.

LION. - Give me the pot. Courts of law? Oh, Lord! what places they put us
into! And there they expect me - _me_, the king of the animal world, to
stand quietly upon my two hind-legs, looking as mildly contemptible as an
apoplectic dancing-master, - whilst iniquities, and meannesses, and tyranny,
and - give me the pot.

UNICORN: - Brother, you're getting warm. Really, you ought to have seen
enough of state and justice to take everything coolly. I certainly must
confess that - looking at much of the policy of the country, considering
much of the legal wickedness of law-scourged England - it does appear to me
a studied insult to both of us to make us supporters of the national
quarterings. Surely, considering the things that have been done under our
noses, animals more significant of the state and social policy might have
been promoted to our places. Instead of the majestic lion and the graceful
unicorn, might they not have had the - the -

LION. - The vulture and the magpie.

UNICORN. - Excellent! The vulture would have capitally typified many of the
wars of the state, their sole purpose being so many carcases - whilst, for
the courts of law, the magpie would have been the very bird of legal
justice and legal wisdom.

LION. - Yes, but then the very rascality of their faces would at once have
declared their purpose. The vulture is a filthy, unclean wretch - the bird
of Mars - preying upon the eyes, the hearts, the entrails of the victims of
that scoundrel-mountebank, Glory; whilst the magpie is a petty-larceny
vagabond, existing upon social theft. To use a vulgar phrase - and
considering the magistrates we are compelled to keep company with, 'tis
wonderful that we talk so purely as we do - 'twould have let the cat too
much out of the bag to have put the birds where we stand. Whereas, there is
a fine hypocrisy about us. Consider - am not I the type of heroism, of
magnanimity? Well, compelling me, the heroic, the magnanimous, now to stand
here upon my hind-legs, and now to crouch quietly down, like a pet kitten
over-fed with new milk, - any state roguery is passed off as the greatest
piece of single-minded honesty upon the mere strength of my character - if I
may so say it, upon my legendary reputation. Now, as for you, though you
_are_ a lie, you are nevertheless not a bad-looking lie. You have a nice
head, clean legs, and - though I think it a little impertinent that you
should wear that tuft at the end of your tail - are altogether a very decent
mixture of the quadrupeds. Besides, lie or not, you have helped to support
the national arms so long, that depend upon it there are tens of thousands
who believe you to be a true thing.

UNICORN. - I have often flattered myself with that consolation.

LION. - A poor comfort: for if you are a true beast, and really have the
attributes you are painted with, the greater the insult that you should be
placed here. If, on the contrary, you are a lie, still greater the insult
to leonine majesty, in forcing me for so many, many years to keep such bad

UNICORN. - But I have a great belief in my reality: besides, if the head,
body, legs, tail, I bear, never really met in one animal, they all exist in
several: hence, if I am not true altogether, I am true in parts; and what
would you have of a thick-and-thin supporter of the crown?

LION. - Blush, brother, blush; such sophistry is only worthy of the Common
Pleas, where I know you picked it up. To be sure, if both of us were the
most abandoned of beasts, we surely should have some excuse for our
wickedness in the profligate company we are obliged to keep.

UNICORN. - Well, well, don't weep. _Take_ the pot.

LION. - Have we not been, ay, for hundreds of years, in both Houses of

UNICORN. - It can't be denied.

LION - And there, what have we not seen - what have we not heard! What
brazen, unblushing faces! What cringing, and bowing, and fawning! What
scoundrel smiles, what ruffian frowns! what polished lying! What hypocrisy
of patriotism! What philippics, levelled in the very name of liberty,
against her sacred self! What orations on the benefit of starvation - on the
comeliness of rags! Have we not heard selfishness speaking with a syren
voice? Have we not seen the haggard face of state-craft rouged up into a
look of pleasantness and innocence? Have we not, night after night, seen
the national Jonathan Wilds meet to plan a robbery, and - the purse
taken - have they not rolled in their carriages home, with their fingers
smelling of the people's pockets?

UNICORN. - It's true - true as an Act of Parliament.

LION. - Then are we not obliged to be in the Courts of Law? In Chancery - to
see the golden wheat of the honest man locked in the granaries of
equity - granaries where deepest rats do most abound - whilst the slow fire
of famine shall eat the vitals of the despoiled; and it may be the man of
rightful thousands shall be carried to churchyard clay in parish deals?
Then in the Bench, in the Pleas - there we are too. And there, see we not
justice weighing cobwebs against truth, making too often truth herself kick
the beam?

UNICORN. - It has made me mad to see it.

LION. - Turn we to the Police-offices - there we are again. And there - good
God! - to see the arrogance of ignorance! To listen to the vapid joke of his
worship on the crime of beggary! To see the punishment of the poor - to mark
the sweet impunity of the rich! And then are we not in the Old Bailey - in
all the criminal courts! Have we not seen trials _after dinner_ - have we
not heard sentences in which the bottle spoke more than the judge?

UNICORN. - Come, come, no libel on the ermine.

LION. - The ermine! In such cases, the fox - the pole-cat. Have we not seen
how the state makes felons, and then punishes them for evil-doing?

UNICORN. - We certainly have seen a good deal that way.

LION. - And then the motto we are obliged to look grave over!

UNICORN. - What _Dieu et mon droit!_ Yes, that does sometimes come awkwardly
in - "God and my right!" Seeing what is sometimes done under our noses, now
and then, I can hardly hold my countenance.

LION. - "God and my right!" What atrocity has that legend sanctified! and
yet with demure faces they try men for blasphemy. Give me the pot.

UNICORN. - Come, be cool - be philosophic. I tell you we shall have as much
need as ever of our stoicism?

LION. - What's the matter now?

UNICORN. - The matter! Why, the Tories are to be in, and Peel's to be

LION. - Then he may send for Mr. Cross for the oran-outan to take my place,
for never again do I support _him_. Peel minister, and Goulburn, I
suppose -

UNICORN. - Goulburn! Goulburn in the cabinet! If it be so, I shall certainly
vacate my place in favour of a jackass.

* * * * *



The first examination for the degree of bachelor of medicine has taken
place at the London University, and has raised itself to the level of
Oxford and Cambridge.

Without doubt, it will soon acquire all the other attributes of the
colleges. Town and gown rows will cause perpetual confusion to the
steady-going inhabitants of Euston-square: steeple-chases will be run, for
the express delight of the members, on the waste grounds in the vicinity of
the tall chimneys on the Birmingham railroad; and in all probability, the
whole of Gower-street, from Bedford-square to the New-road, will, at a
period not far distant, be turfed and formed into a T.Y.C.; the property
securing its title-deeds under the arms of the university for the benefit
of its legs - the bar opposite the hospital presenting a fine leap to finish
the contest over, with the uncommon advantage of immediate medical
assistance at hand.

The public press of the last week has duly blazoned forth the names of the
successful candidates, and great must have been the rejoicings of their
friends in the country at the event. But we have to quarrel with these
journals for not more explicitly defining the questions proposed for the
examinations - the answers to which were to be considered the tests of
proficiency. By means of the ubiquity which Punch is allowed to possess, we
were stationed in the examination room, at the same time that our double
was delighting a crowded and highly respectable audience upon Tower-hill;
and we have the unbounded gratification of offering an exact copy of the
questions to our readers, that they may see with delight how high a
position medical knowledge has attained in our country: -



1. State the principal variations found in the kidneys procured at Evans's
and the Coal Hole; and likewise name the proportion of animal fibre in the
rump-steaks of the above resorts. Mention, likewise, the change produced in
the _albumen_, or white of an egg, by poaching it upon toast.

2. Describe the comparative circulation of blood in the body, and of the
_Lancet, Medical Gazette_, and _Bell's Life in London_, in the hospitals;
and mention if Sir Charles Bell, the author of the "Bridgewater Treatise on
the Hand," is the editor of the last-named paper.


1. You are called to a fellow-student taken suddenly ill. You find him
lying on his back in the fender; his eyes open, his pulse full, and his
breathing stertorous. His mind appears hysterically wandering, prompting
various windmill-like motions of his arms, and an accompanying lyrical
intimation that he, and certain imaginary friends, have no intention of
going home until the appearance of day-break. State the probable disease;
and also what pathological change would be likely to be effected by putting
his head under the cock of the cistern.

2. Was the Mount Hecla at the Surrey Zoological Gardens classed by Bateman
in his work upon skin diseases - if so, what kind of eruption did it come
under? Where was the greatest irritation produced - in the scaffold-work of
the erection, or the bosom of the gentleman who lived next to the gardens,
and had a private exhibition of rockets every night, as they fell through
his skylight, and burst upon the stairs?

3. Which is the most powerful narcotic - opium, henbane, or a lecture upon
practice of physic; and will a moderate dose of antimonial wine sweat a man
as much as an examination at Apothecaries' Hall?


1. Does any chemical combination take place between the porter and ale in a
pot of half-and-half upon mixture? Is there a galvanic current set up
between the pewter and the beer capable of destroying the equilibrium of
living bodies.

2. Explain the philosophical meaning of the sentence - "He cut away from the
crushers as quick as a flash of lightning through a gooseberry-bush."

3. There are two kinds of electricity, positive and negative; and these
have a pugnacious tendency. _A_, a student, goes up to the College
_positive_ he shall pass; _B_, an examiner, thinks his abilities
_negative_, and flummuxes him accordingly. _A_ afterwards meets _B_ alone,
in a retired spot, where there is no policeman, and, to use his own
expression, "takes out the change" upon _B_. In this case, which receives
the greatest shock - _A_'s "grinder," at hearing his pupil was plucked, or
_B_ for doing it?

4. The more crowded an assembly is, the greater quantity of carbonic acid
is evolved by its component members. State, upon actual experience, the
_per centage_ of this gas in the atmosphere of the following places: - The
Concerts d'Eté, the Swan in Hungerford Market, the pit of the Adelphi,
Hunt's Billiard Rooms, and the Colosseum during the period of its balls.



1. Mention the most liberal pawnbrokers in the neighbourhood of Guy's and
Bartholomew's; and state under what head of diseases you class the spring
outbreak of dissecting cases and tooth-drawing instruments in their

2. Mention the cheapest tailors in the metropolis, and especially name

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